Friday, January 30, 2009

What I Plan to do Today

Last night I was very disappointed in myself because I was thinking about Tasmania and couldn't remember the name of the famous Aboriginal woman. I can see her face in my mind. But I can't get her name in my head. I tried to remember other names and I did. That made me feel a little better. I remember Pemulwoy and Bennelong. I also remember Windschuttle. He's not Aboriginal, but rather he's the man who tries to deny really bad things happened to the Tasmanian Aborigines.

So.....

I decided I'm going to go back and read my old research posts, the ones I did before I started doing the biography ones. I did all this research on the places we'd be visiting and now I've probably forgotten too much of it. I need to re-educate myself.

I'm also going to print out some maps. Tim had wanted me to do that and I forgot. We have a navigation system, but who knows if it will work.

I've been less excited about this Australia trip than I was for the last one. I mean I've had moments of excitement (as I wrote in the post a few weeks ago), but feelings of anxiety have overshadowed the good feelings. Last night I finally realized and faced what I'm nervous about. Once I came to terms with it, I felt much better. Now I'm much more excited. I even feel much better about that which was distressing me.

Sometimes in life I'll feel really down or anxious. I can't figure out why I'm upset so I'll start believing that it's a chemical imbalance type of thing. But I usually find, if I really think hard, I can find what's upsetting me and feel better about it. Often, it's something really trivial. I'll have this dark cloud over me. I'll feel really nervous. And then when I think about it, I'll realize I dread having to call the vet to make an appointment for the cat. It's silly and stupid. But for some reason, it makes me feel down.

Last night I had a weird theological lucid dream. I had hopes of finding something I was looking for. I found myself suddenly praying to God. Please God. Let me find it.

 I stopped in my tracks, surprised at myself. I wasn't surprised to be be praying, just surprised to be praying to God. I AM a believer, but I don't believe in God....or so I thought. I started wondering why I was praying to God. Was it because I was dreaming? I wondered to myself if I'd still believe in God when I woke up. If I truly had this belief, would it carry over to my waking life? And I also wondered if my beliefs would be influenced by whether I found what I was looking for or not. Is it easier to believe in a God that gives us what we want?

I didn't find what I was looking for and I didn't wake up with a sudden firm belief in God.

But I woke up open to exploring the possibility.

I do believe in a generic higher power type thing....kind of like The Force in Star Wars. I don't believe in a personal God, one who watches over me and loves me. I don't believe in a God who wants and/or needs to be worshiped. I refuse to believe in a God conceited enough to send people to hell simply because they picked the "wrong" religion.

I don't know. Now that I think of it. Maybe my dream prayer was a simple gut reaction--brought on by my many years of Judaic-Christian. I often find myself wanting to write or say something like Oh my God! I don't think that means I truly believe. It's probably just ingrained in me.

I decided since I won't be posting for over thirty days, I'm going to write thirty posts today. That way I'll feel caught up. No, I'm joking. But I may post a few times....if I have something to say.

I'm going to miss this blog. I'm going to miss the blogs I read.

I'm going to be missing some Australians even though I'll actually be in Australia. I'm very amused by that irony.

12 comments:

G'day Y'all.. said...

Was it Truganini?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Truganini

G'day Y'all.. said...

http://www.abc.net.au/schoolstv/australians/truganini.htm

Dina said...

G'Day Y'All,

Yes! Truganini! Thank you.

I thought the name began with a T. But I couldn't get the right syllables in my head.

I felt like the guys in Pete's Dragon...when they're trying to remember the name of the town.

kyles said...

was going to suggest Truganini too, but G'day beat me to it!

Relax Dina...sounds like you have a lot on your mind, relax and enjoy your time down here, u coming past Coffs Hbr in NSW?

Mr Spooky said...

It's always the small niggley things - like ringing the vet, that get in the way of the grand plan.

For me it's always the 101 last minute things that have me chasing my tail to the point where I start asking myself if it's worth it??

AND it is, because once you've sorted them all out, you will have a blast!!!

Dina said...

Kyles: Thanks. No we're not gong to Coffs Harbour this time. Maybe one day.....

Mr. Spooky: Yeah. I think the last minute stresses can get to us. But I think you're right. We'll have a lot of fun.

Marty said...

You could write thirty posts of one sentence each! That would catch you up.

Dina said...

Marty,

Good idea! It might be my only way to accomplish this. It's already 6 pm here and I'm WAY behind on writing my 30 posts.

Lee said...

Passing Coff's Harbour is the best way to deal with Coff's Harbour :)

Hope you have a great trip, Dina.

kyles said...

Gee Lee, thats a little harsh, I live outside Coffs and I think it's beautiful....

Dina said...

Lee and Kyles:

No Geography wars on my blog!

EVERY single place in Australia is wonderful.

No one can disagree with me because this is my blog and I will put an evil spell on them if they try.

Is Coffs Harbour the one with the giant banana?

Lee said...

Was just having a go, Kyles :) I think Coff's itself is probably a bit overrun with tourism, but I like that part of the world. Bellingen is a beautiful little town and some surrounding areas are great.

And yes Dina, it's the Big Banana place.