Friday, January 30, 2009

What I Plan to do Today

Last night I was very disappointed in myself because I was thinking about Tasmania and couldn't remember the name of the famous Aboriginal woman. I can see her face in my mind. But I can't get her name in my head. I tried to remember other names and I did. That made me feel a little better. I remember Pemulwoy and Bennelong. I also remember Windschuttle. He's not Aboriginal, but rather he's the man who tries to deny really bad things happened to the Tasmanian Aborigines.


I decided I'm going to go back and read my old research posts, the ones I did before I started doing the biography ones. I did all this research on the places we'd be visiting and now I've probably forgotten too much of it. I need to re-educate myself.

I'm also going to print out some maps. Tim had wanted me to do that and I forgot. We have a navigation system, but who knows if it will work.

I've been less excited about this Australia trip than I was for the last one. I mean I've had moments of excitement (as I wrote in the post a few weeks ago), but feelings of anxiety have overshadowed the good feelings. Last night I finally realized and faced what I'm nervous about. Once I came to terms with it, I felt much better. Now I'm much more excited. I even feel much better about that which was distressing me.

Sometimes in life I'll feel really down or anxious. I can't figure out why I'm upset so I'll start believing that it's a chemical imbalance type of thing. But I usually find, if I really think hard, I can find what's upsetting me and feel better about it. Often, it's something really trivial. I'll have this dark cloud over me. I'll feel really nervous. And then when I think about it, I'll realize I dread having to call the vet to make an appointment for the cat. It's silly and stupid. But for some reason, it makes me feel down.

Last night I had a weird theological lucid dream. I had hopes of finding something I was looking for. I found myself suddenly praying to God. Please God. Let me find it.

 I stopped in my tracks, surprised at myself. I wasn't surprised to be be praying, just surprised to be praying to God. I AM a believer, but I don't believe in God....or so I thought. I started wondering why I was praying to God. Was it because I was dreaming? I wondered to myself if I'd still believe in God when I woke up. If I truly had this belief, would it carry over to my waking life? And I also wondered if my beliefs would be influenced by whether I found what I was looking for or not. Is it easier to believe in a God that gives us what we want?

I didn't find what I was looking for and I didn't wake up with a sudden firm belief in God.

But I woke up open to exploring the possibility.

I do believe in a generic higher power type thing....kind of like The Force in Star Wars. I don't believe in a personal God, one who watches over me and loves me. I don't believe in a God who wants and/or needs to be worshiped. I refuse to believe in a God conceited enough to send people to hell simply because they picked the "wrong" religion.

I don't know. Now that I think of it. Maybe my dream prayer was a simple gut reaction--brought on by my many years of Judaic-Christian. I often find myself wanting to write or say something like Oh my God! I don't think that means I truly believe. It's probably just ingrained in me.

I decided since I won't be posting for over thirty days, I'm going to write thirty posts today. That way I'll feel caught up. No, I'm joking. But I may post a few times....if I have something to say.

I'm going to miss this blog. I'm going to miss the blogs I read.

I'm going to be missing some Australians even though I'll actually be in Australia. I'm very amused by that irony.