Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Feeling Ugly and Naked

I often love having a blog.

I often love my blog...sometimes with too much self love.  I read my posts and think I'm so damn funny, deep, and brilliant.

Then there are other times.

There are the times where I feel like I'm this very ugly, naked person standing in the middle of a crowd with everyone looking upon me with disgust. 

This happened to me last night and I went into a distressed mental state.  I kept questioning whether I should make my blog private.  Should I hide from the world?

Yes?

No?

I went back and forth.

I tried to find signs from the universe by reading old blog posts, looking at blog stats, consulting online Tarot cards, etc.

I had a strong desire to disappear.

But in the end, I decided to keep my blog.  It wasn't a decision that ended with great relief.  It was one that ended with sadness, tiredness, and doubts. 

Then after all that, someone texted me and told me they had read my blog, AND not only that, they read some my most embarrassing recent post.  This person hardly ever reads my blog, or at least they don't mention that they so. So I'm not sure what the universe was trying to tell me with that little event.

Anyway...I'm wondering if it's common or rare for people to have feelings like this.  Do other bloggers have these moments?  How about people who post a lot about their lives on social media?  Or famous people who are very public about their lives?

Well it might be common.  It might not be.  But one thing I AM pretty sure about:  It doesn't feel good.