Saturday, March 24, 2018

My Life in 1987 (Part 3)

More excerpts from my teenage diary.  The ones on this post are from the summer before I started high school.



I haven't mentioned this yet, but in this diary, almost every entry contains a short summary about what's been happening on the soap opera Another World.  I guess I was really into it at the time. The other time I remember being really into the show was the years leading up to our wedding. I guess it would be around 1997-1999. It was the years before the show ended.

Melissa ripped my nightgown. I was mad because Mom wasn't. (6/16/87)  That was an ongoing storyline in my relationship with my mom and sister.  I felt my mom was too often on my sister's side.

I called Violet today. She is nice, but boring on the telephone. (6/18/87) This isn't the first time Violet has been mentioned.  I don't remember her....

I am excited about the garage sale. I think we will make $50 because we don't have much stuff and it is all very cheap. I wish we could get at least a hundred. (6/21/87) This was our way of trying to raise money for CF. I think it did fairly well, but I'm not sure.  I'm sure my younger self will eventually tell me. 

I went to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation today. There was a volunteer there named Nancy. At first I disliked her. She talked to much, but then I began to like her. (6/23/87). I do remember Nancy. She was quite talkative, which, as a shy person, was hard for me to deal with. I think when you're shy, talkative people make you feel even more shy. Or at least it was that way with me. But still...I remember Nancy being very kind and loving, like a surrogate aunt or grandmother.  She made me feel like I was worth something.  

I got in a big fight with Grandma and Grandpa at the Chinese restaurant. Grandpa says I pick on Grandma too much, but Grandma said some horrid things, like Since I had to listen to you sing yesterday, let's do what I want to do. (6/25/87). Sorry defenders of the elderly, but I'm totally on the side of my teenage-self there.  Reading this is giving me a bout of self-pity. I have had such shitty support in terms of my singing. And I'm going to stop questioning whether I'm a good singer or not. I'm going to trust my own ears. And I'm going to trust the people who have given me high praises. But it's hard to have that faith when your grandmother says something like that to you; your husband doesn't mention or compliment your singing—tells you not to quit your day job, etc. Your brother-in-law also says the day job thing; your father infers that you are embarrassing yourself with karaoke, etc.  

To be fair to my grandmother, though. I was shy back then and when I'm feeling shy I think my singing falls from excellent to slightly below average. On the other hand, I think I was able to sing with confidence in front of certain people. I think my younger sister and Marni were two of those people, and I'm guessing maybe my grandmother was included.  Either way, why would listening to your grandchild sing be a chore?  I think it's fun listening to people sing, whether they sing good or bad.   

Our garage sale was pretty sucky. The results were as follows. Dawn raised $24 which she gave 12.00 to CF. We got 140 which we gave about 80 to CF. (6/27/87).  I didn't remember that we kept some of the money. I was less charitable than I thought!

Melissa and I went out and spent all are money. Just kidding. We didn't even spend half. I bought candy, 3.99 for a pound. I bought silver heart earrings at Spencers (6/28/87). I have these old silver heart earrings I still wear.  I wonder if these are the earrings! One of my trademarks is wearing very old clothes, shoes, earrings, etc.

I have a funny feeling that I'm going to meet Matthew Broderick. (6/29/87). Was that some kind of psychic prediction? Well...it hasn't happened yet.  What happened to Matthew Broderick?  I never see him on Twitter. And if a a celebrity isn't on Twitter, it kind of feels like they don't exist.

We saw Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Matthew Broderick is cute. (6/30/87). Funny. I've told people (probably just Tim, actually) that I've never seen that movie. Oops. 

I saw Shannon from drama class here. She is so good at acting. She is the best in the class. I am the worst. (7/4/87). Was that my low self-esteem talking, or was I really the worst?  It's probably a little of both.  

While we got ready, I watched War Games. I like Matthew Broderick. He is nice, but he gets mad easy. (7/15/87) WTF. I would think I would have understood that actors are not their characters. Or maybe I read something in a magazine?

No one likes me anymore. I mean no one at all. I'm so different from everyone else. I wish Freddy would come and kill me. Except first I wanna see Poltergeist III and Nightmare IV.  (7/7/87). I laughed when I read that, but then wondered if I was using humor to hide deep pain. I think I tend to do that. It's like, Hey...I'm kind of close to having a nervous breakdown. But look. I'm not really mentally ill or anything, because I can still make jokes. 

 Melissa says I'm ugly and she means it too. Mom likes me but she likes Melissa much more. Now Beau and Toby hate me. Erin just uses me so she can have someone to talk to. I wanna die and come back a good person. Mom and Dawn say I'm selfish. I don't understand. (7/7/87) I have remembered my father calling me selfish. I didn't remember my sister and mother doing so. I wonder what I had done to make them say that.

Today was pretty depressing. I felt like committing suicide, but suicide is a sin so I would never do it. (7/8/87). I really wish I was more forthcoming about what was happening.  

Melissa and I worked on the newspaper thing. Then this afternoon we went to turn my film in. We had taken pictures of each other dressed in different clothes. (7/18/87). I think I remember these photos.

I wrote Grandma's life story. She really liked it. She wants to move to California. (7/19/87). Away from her grandchildren and daughter.  Well.....

Shit. I'm getting angry at a woman who's been dead for almost twenty years. 

I'm not going to quote anything really, but I just wanted to mention again that a large portion of my diary is made up of soap opera plot descriptions. AND we watched Nightmare on Elm Street...a lot. It seems like we watched it every day.

Melissa was crying today because Toby (the dog) was eating a daddy long leg. Sometimes she can be real obnoxious like when she pokes me in the stomach and says "Tom Dixon". Mom was mean today. She kept on ignoring me and giving me dirty looks. (7/31/87). Strange. I feel like I can almost remember the Tom Dixon thing. I wonder where my sister got that name.

I bought a monkey stuffed animal. It is so cute. It is a puppet and looks real. (8/8/87)  Some years ago, we watched videos of my sister and me playing with those monkey puppets (apes, actually). My father asks the name of my puppet and I say "Fred J.". We were quite surprised when we saw this video, because my sister ended up marrying a Fred J.  And I actually gave the right full name, not just the initial. It's just I'm not sure it's a good idea to give the full name of my brother-in-law here.

If I ever have a bad dream, Heather comes and helps me out. (8/18/87). I was referring to Heather Langenkamp. I had a pretty strong crush on her—though it was probably more of a wish-you-were-my-best-friend-crush than a romantic/sexual crush.  This wasn't the only time I received the love and support I desire need via celebrities in my dreams. I wonder if this is common, or if it's more of a thing that happens to people with self-esteem issues. Actually, I think I might have read that somewhere.  I guess, on the bright side, I don't think I've had many wonderful dream encounters with celebrities lately. So maybe that's a sign that my self-esteem is doing well.     

Well...I'm looking for the info about celebrity dreams and low self-esteem. I'm not finding it. So maybe I imagined that. Or dreamed it.  

Actually I think maybe it wasn't labeled as low self-esteem. It was more wish fulfillment. So a lonely person might find love and friendship in their dreams if they're not feeling it in their real life.  

I would guess that most celebrity dreams are actually random.  But if there's a lot of love coming from the celebrity, maybe wish fulfillment.  On the other hand, it could be about having strong self-confidence. In some instances, it could be about believing we are awesome enough to attract a celebrity's attention and adoration.  I guess the psychology of the dreams could be determined by what's happening in the person's daily life.  In the summer of 1987, I seemed somewhat down on my self and dissatisfied with my relationships. So I would guess the Heather Langenkamp dreams were trying to make up for what I was lacking.

BUT...Fuck all that psychology shit.  It's so much more fun to believe celebrities are truly visiting us in our dreams (Freddy Krueger style), because we're simply so awesome and they want to spend time with us.