Wednesday, March 28, 2018

My Life in 1988 (Part 1)

Here are more excerpts from my teenage diary.  In these bits, I was fifteen and in 9th grade.

No one from the cruise wrote back yet. I'm going to be in a Cinderella play. (1/12/88).  I remember going to rehearsals for Cinderella, but I don't think I made it to the actual performance. I think I dropped out.  1988 was one of my worst years, and thirty years later, I still have a negative feeling when I think of Cinderella. Even though...the play itself wasn't the cause of my problems.  It's just a negative association.  

There is a lot of confusion between Carrie, Jennifer, and Marni. They are always mad at someone. When I'm with Carrie, she talks about how she is mad at Marni or Jennifer. When I'm with Jennifer, she talks about the problems she's having with Carrie and Marni. And Marni is always worried about losing her only friends. (1/20/87). Seems to me that this is kind of typical of friends groups...and families.  I wonder if I realized that, when I was not around, they probably talked about me.

A lot of things have happened in my life and I've decided I want to die and become an angel. I've been considering this for 2 weeks since Heather died and tonight I'm sure I want to be one.  (2/17/88). Well, I had some lofty goals! The Heather I'm referring to is the actress Heather O'Rourke. She died in the beginning of February. I was very upset about her death.  It was a double whammy—because A) I was grieving B) I felt like a freak for grieving over someone I didn't personally know. Decades later I'd learn that Heather O'Rourke had other enthusiastic fans and I'm sure some of them also felt grief.  I think grieving over a celebrity is not as crazy and rare as I once believed.  That's the nice thing about the Internet. It's so much easier for people to learn that they're not alone. Back in the bygone days, it was very easy to believe that you were very alone in the world.

I'm trying to like everyone but it's hard. I think I'll just stick to just not hating anyone. (2/19/88). I don't think I stuck to that very long!  This liking everyone was part of my plan to become an angel.  It seems I was more into bettering myself than planning any kind of suicide. I have to say, I'm kind of impressed with that mindset.  

It's hard to believe but Alex and Heather have finally talked to me with the ouija board. (2/23/88). It was hard to believe, and it wasn't true. The whole thing was a hoax.

My sister Melissa was the captain of the hoax. I was about to say it was a trick, but I think it was more of a game/activity that went too far. My guess is my sister moved the triangle thing to see if she could trick me—get away with it.  And when she did and saw how excited I was, she probably couldn't figure out how to end the whole thing.  

I think it went on for months.

Yesterday Carry came with me to school. I didn't know this until last night and she told me that she had to go to the bathroom during science and when she returned I was gone. It made me laugh (3/1/88). Carry was one of the ghosts invented by my sister. I'm wondering if I asked Carrie any questions to verify if she was really there. If I didn't, was it because subconsciously I worried that I'd learn it was all not real?  I'm kind of doubting it. From what I'm reading in the diary, it seems my belief was very strong.

I got in a fight with Carry yesterday. She spelled a word wrong and I couldn't understand it. She got all mad and spazed out.  (3/2/88). It was a misspelled word that eventually revealed that the whole thing was a hoax. I still remember the word—nightgown.  I think what happened is it was misspelled and missspelled the way my sister typically misspelled it.

I learned something interesting last night. Everything on earth has a soul. Food books, everything, and that's what they use in heaven. (3/3/88). I like my sister's idea there.  I think actually there are religions that believe this.  I vaguely remember reading it somewhere. it animism?  

Googled. Yes! It is.  

It's very cool that my sister kind of channelled that idea.  I wonder if she had heard about it somewhere?

One of the sad things about all these entries is I rarely mention Melissa in any of them. It's almost like I was alone with the ghosts. She was just an instrument to help me communicate.

Throughout the years, there is one thing that has periodically come into my head. What if it was NOT a hoax and Melissa pretended it was a hoax because she was so damn sick of the whole thing?  A part of me (small part) has been prepared for some kind of confession.  

I saw the Lost Boys. I love that movie. It is so cool. (someday in March, but not dated for some reason) When I began copying stuff from my old diaries, I said I had four favorite celebrities—Heather O'Rourke, Bridgette Anderson, David Oliver, and Marc Singer.  As I've been reading, I've learned that I was totally wrong.  I'm saying that now, because Kiefer Sutherland, from Lost Boys, was one of them.  I also saw a LOT of entries about Heather Langenkamp. I'm sure there were others as well.

Marni's mom won't let Marni be friends with me because she says I'm sick. (3/24/88). That sounds harsh, but from what I've been reading, Marni had her own issues.  I think her mom probably imagined things would be better for Marni if she wasn't friends with a delusional girl.

Was I delusional?  I mean I was...yeah. In some ways. But do beliefs count as delusions when we're being tricked by someone else?  

And where do we draw the line between delusion and socially acceptable religious belief?  If Marni's mom was not okay with me talking to the dead, would she also be not be okay with someone who believed in Jesus?  If she was Christian, I'm sure she'd see a huge difference between the two.  Marni's family was Jewish, though.  I think many Jews are more into the cultural aspects of it and not the spiritual.  If this was the case for Marni's family, any strong beliefs in the supernatural might have been seen as unhealthy/disturbing.