Monday, April 30, 2018

My Life in 1995 (Part 1)

This is the year I'd start dating my husband.

But that won't happen for awhile....

I also think that the diaries end soon after I get together with my husband. I have the diary shown above; then one more diary. And that diary is not filled up all the way.

I have other notebooks and things I want to go through, though.

I saw Little Women. It was good. Mostly I was impressed with Kirsten Dunst's performance. I think she is a good actress. (1/1/95)

I still like Kirsten Dunst a lot. I think the last thing we saw her in was Fargo. She was great in that. I also saw her in an indie film. What was its name.....

It was funny, because it had three actors known for vampire roles—Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland, and Alexander Skarsgard.

I'll look at one of their filmographies to find the name of the movie....

I found it— Melancholia.

Mom and I had an argument with Judd about Clinton and Vietnam. (1/1/95)

Was my mom on my side? I wonder what the argument was about. Was it Clinton and then Vietnam? Or was the Clinton and Vietnam stuff connected?

It's interesting, because both my mom and Judd are right-winged and I'm left-winged. Though, as far as I know, my mom doesn't like Trump. Judd is a big fan. Though I think he might be becoming less of a fan.

I feel Charles is a boyfriend I hardly talk to, but as long as I still like him, that is okay. I'm sure we will talk more when school starts. (1/2/95)

In today's world of connectivity, I wonder how long people go without talking to their boyfriends and girlfriends.

Although, even back then, I would think it's strange to go a day without talking to the person you're in a relationship with. Though, of course, there'd be an exception if communication ability was limited. For example, when we were on the cruise.

My parents are upset that I want to work on a cruise ship. I think it would be great. I think I'd want to do a low class job, though, because I don't want to hang out with British and American fake snobs. Not to be prejudice or anything. I'd rather be with international party animals with sexy accents. (1/2/95)

I think that was my way of saying, I'm sick of white people.

I didn't know I had those feelings back then.

I'm not sure I like the term low-class jobs. But there is definitely classism when it comes to occupations. So maybe I'm okay with it.

I'm glad I was interested in those types of jobs. Though I can't imagine I'd have the stamina or spirit for it. From what I've heard, cruise ship workers are overworked and underpaid.

Well, I won't sell myself short. If I was in a desperate financial situation, I might be able to survive the work.  I would hopefully persevere.  But if I was doing it just for the experience—to expand my horizons; I imagine I'd probably quit very soon.

I got another letter from an agent who is interested in becoming my agent. That is pretty cool. (1/4/95)

I wonder whether I ended up with this agent or the one who said it would take seven months to give me an answer.

I hope I meet more cool accent people in my life. I'm so stressed out about film schools. (1/4/95)

I still like lovely accents.

I got my grades today. 4.00. I'm happy about that. (1/5/95)

Yay, me!  Despite my relationship dramas and emotional problems, I managed to do quite well in most of my classes.

Jennifer came over. She told me Karin is going out with Russ. So that explains why Karin was acting so strange around me. (1/5/95)

Because I used to have a thing for Russ.

I feel bad because I called Charles to see if he got home safely. Then when he called me back, I was on the computer so I had to run. He seemed a bit hurt that I did not stay on the phone. He gave his little laugh. I also could hardly hear because the television was on. I told him I'd call him later, but now I don't want to.

It's not that I don't want to talk to him. I'm just scared he'll think I'm being pesty. But if I don't call him, he might get hurt. (1/6/95)

Shit. I still have those feelings with people. It's that worry we're pestering someone but at the same time worrying that we're doing the opposite—making them feel rejected.

I also feel it on the other side as well. I get very stressed when my family invites me to a dinner or other type of gathering. But if they didn't invite me, I'd be angry and feel left out. It's a lose-lose situation.

Matthew and I went to see the Jungle Book. It was pretty cool. Jason Scott Lee was in it, and he was so adorable. I think I could have a crush on him again. I think every women wants a wild hero like that. I like Charles, but watching that movie makes me think he is much too civilized. (1/7/95)

I shouldn't have tried to speak for every woman.

I think I can understand what I was trying to say, though, about wild men vs. civilized.

The other day I watched an episode of Being Erica. which kind of dealt with the differences.

Erica (Erin Karpluk) wants more wildness and spontaneity in her sex life with Ethan (Tyron Leitso). She admits she's tired of the whole romantic candlelit sex scenario and says she wants Ethan to stop acting like he's following a script.

Ethan's very hurt and offended by that criticism.

I think there is a difference, though, between a person who acts out of passion and intense love, and a person who performs what he's read in magazines and websites.

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting advice. It's just that if there's no real passion, the performance is going to fall flat.

I have this bad feeling about Charles. I found out where he was. It was very traumatic last night. I called him and he wasn't there. Then I called Luke, and I started calling people trying to find out where the hell he was. It ended up he was in Knoxville because his dad had a mild heart attack. 

I am trying to be understanding, but I am hurt that he never called me to tell me but he called Sam. 

Also he came back today and he never called. (1/12/95)

If I didn't know what eventually happened, I'd assume Charles was just losing interest in me. It's the whole he's-not-really-into-you. Because if we had strong feelings for someone, they'd be one of the first we'd call in an emergency situation.

But from what I remember, there was a point where we got in a fight. I thought we had broken up. Charles later acted like he thought we were still together.  I don't remember him seeming eager for us to end. Though, I also don't remember him being heartbroken.

I don't know.

I get this sense that Charles liked to play games.

Oh! Now I'm remembering what I read the other day. He liked playing hard-to-get. I think maybe this didn't just apply to the pre-relationship stage but also when in a relationship. It seems like he liked to disappear a lot. He probably liked having his partner worrying about him and/or the state of the relationship.

I am so scared right now, but I am comforted by the fact that I feel I have friends.

Last night I was traumatized.

I got upset with Charles and I told him I was going for a walk. 

Then this man came out from behind and started walking towards me. I stayed there because I thought it was (can't read word) When it was not him, I began to freak out. He had a very scary voice and acted like a psychotic bad guy from my childhood nightmares. 

But now I think it might have been a weird blessing because I had an unnatural lack of fear of walking alone late at night. He could have chased me and killed me, but he only followed me enough to scare me. So now I will think twice before ever walking alone. (1/13/95)

I don't remember that.

And I don't often have a fear of walking alone.

So I don't think the lesson stuck very well.

Charles seems so distant. I remember at one time I felt so close to him, but now he seems so distant.  I feel he is only nice when I am upset, and the rest of the time he's mean. Why does he act like that? (1/15/95)

I wonder if he still acts like that...with whoever might have ended up with him.

I got so frustrated that I hung up on him. (1/16/95)

The stuff written before that is a bit too personal.

But I think this is when I thought we had broken up.

The worst part of all this is I am not upset which makes me even more upset. I am nervous, though. I feel bad if I hurt him, but he kept hurting me. He has been extra rude ever since we got back to school.  Why did he have to treat me like shit?  Why did he keep pushing me away? 

I don't know what to do.

He must be super mad, because he hasn't called for over 48 hours. 

What the hell? 

I wonder what I said that bothered him that much? Or was it that I hung up on him? 

I told Catina and she said it's like When a Man Loves a Woman. He wants to play the knight in shining armor.  But the problem is, if there's no villain, he'll take the part of the villain too. (1/17/95)

Catina had some deep insights there.

I'm ashamed to admit that I played this same game when my sister Melissa was a baby/toddler. I liked comforting her. I'd hit her so she'd cry, and then I could give her the comfort.  I would have been only around six or seven, though.  I think for the most part, I realized the wrongs of my ways and grew out of it.

I wonder how often adults behave this way?

Outside of Charles, I don't think I've encountered it.

I know people who seem a bit sadistic—they like pushing buttons; then seeing a reaction. But I can't think of anyone who, at the same time, also wants to play the part of the rescuer.

Catina wants me to listen to her speak at her church. I don't want to go. (1/17/95)

I hope I went.

I do remember going to church with my roommates at one time, but I'm not sure it was when Catina did a speech.

I know how hard it is to want support from people and how much it can hurt when they're not there for you.  So fuck me if I let Catina down.

Now if Catina was one of those people who was inviting me left and right to see her honored but rarely showed any support for me...that would be a totally different story. But I don't think Catina was like that.

Yesterday I made a joke about jumping off the boat and then Matthew had a nightmare about it. I feel bad about this suicide thing. I think sometimes I just do it for attention. I think I want people to say, No, don't do it.

Ryan said it was selfish. That hurt my feelings, but I always get depressed when people say that "selfish" word.  I guess in a way I am selfish. I think I don't trust people. (1/19/95)

I wonder how often I made jokes or comments about suicide.

I don't think it was just for attention, because I write about it fairly often in my diary. And that was least for that time. But maybe there were times I said it for attention. I might have been seeking reassurance.

I'm now reading a suicide website, trying to better understand my past behavior and feelings.

One of the things they say is, Is Talking about Suicide or Threatening to Kill Yourself Just a Ploy for Attention?  It is best to treat talk and threats about suicide seriously. Research indicates that up to 80% of suicidal people signal their intentions to others, in the hope that the signal will be recognized as a cry for help. These signals often include making a joke or threat about suicide, or making a reference to being dead.

I think what I was really was a cowardly suicidal person. My feelings of despair and depression were strong enough. I just didn't have the guts to take action.

Or I could turn it around and say, I was a brave person who persevered despite emotional problems.

Now I'm wondering is there really that thick of a line between those who seek attention with suicide remarks and those who actually commit suicide? I think both types feel desperate, feel hopeless, have low self-esteem, feel unloved, etc.

That being said, I wasn't being fair to Matthew. I think he was quite obvious in the fact that he saw me as a best friend.

Then again, when I'm very low, I can become delusional and feel disliked and unloved by almost everyone.

I know I can't get married. I can't have a family. But it is not the end of the world. How can I have children with these mood swings?  I thought I'd outgrow them, but I never will.  (1/20/95)


I did get married, and I did have a child.

I definitely don't still have mood swings like the ones I'm reading about in my diary. So, that's good.

I think maybe once or twice a year I have those feelings of very low self-esteem and despair.  Or some years there might be two and other years where there are none.

I'm not a picture of perfect mental health, but I think I do fairly okay with parenting. I think I'm a fairly decent mom.  I definitely don't feel I'm worse than my own parents, my sisters, my husband, my two brother-in-laws, my other in-laws, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, etc.

Most of us struggle. We all make mistakes.

I think the thing about parenting is that we ALL have baggage and we all have emotional problems. Some parents have low self-esteem. Some get depressed. Some are overly anxious. Some may be unable to handle stress. Some may have problems with addiction.

If only the super mentally healthy had children, we'd...well, we'd actually solve the overpopulation problem.  So maybe I shouldn't argue against that.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

My Life in 1994 (Part 14)

More excerpts from my 1994 diary entries.

My mom and I had a long talk tonight about stuff. I realized something, that for some reason I have a child locked inside within me. I don't know how she got there, but I have a feeling she got stuck from some past life.

The question is what to do with that child. I don't think I'm ready to get rid of her. I think I need to learn to take care of her. I need to realize I am her mother and that I need to take care of her, not someone else. (12/18/94)

I think I have less of that child within me now. I'm guessing it's because I did what I said I should do. I took care of her and stopped relying on other people to do it for me.

It's not complete. But for the most part, I've learned to rely on myself when it comes to emotional needs. The same can't be said for financial and transportation needs, unfortunately.  I also need help opening jars sometimes.

I don't trust anyone anymore and I wish I was dead. I've been hurt enough in these past 22 years and I don't see any reason for putting myself through so many more years. There is nothing to look forward to now. I don't even care about film school or anything. I am worthless. I'd be better off dead. I don't even want to be dead. I want to be nonexistent. I want to turn back time and disappear from existence. I hate all guys and I hate (can't read word here) all girls.

I think I should jump off the boat, but I am too chicken. (12/19/94)

I was wondering, what boat? Then I realized we must have been on a cruise. cruise. Yikes.

Though now that I think of it, some of our biggest family dramas happen on vacations. There was a dreadful one on our most recent cruise. I was on the outside of it—not directly involved. But still. It caused stress for everyone, I think.

As for the long-ago cruise, I remember there was a British casino worker I had been flirting with on a cruise. He made a comment, or asked a question, about me being pregnant. Because I've always had a pudgy tummy. I remember being upset about that.

Was this that cruise? And is that why I was feeling worthless?

I was thinking that if it is, it's nuts that I got so depressed over one incident. BUT I think it's usually not about one incident. The one incident or comment will bring up memories of many past negative incidents.

I don't understand any of it. It is not fair at all. He should not have done this to me. It is worse that he made me trust him. He is beyond cruel. I'm talking about Charles. I wish I was dead. (12/19/94)

Okay, so maybe it wasn't Casino-boy.

What did Charles do?

I think it was a misunderstanding and I overreacted. Because from what I remember, I broke up with him.  Or really, we had a fight and I thought it was the end. Then I was annoyed to learn that he didn't realize it had ended.

I want to live and I feel bad for what I wrote yesterday. I guess I was just so upset. Today I am upset because I want to live but I have this stupid fear that I am going to die. (12/20/94)

I kind of think I wasn't right in the head.

Well, I don't think I've ever been right in the head. And I don't think there's any human out there that's right in the head. But on that cruise? It sounds like I was very much not right in the head.

I talked to Charles last night. He finally called and we talked for a long time and it was a great conversation. We talked about my doubts, my back, his friend's dirty apartment, Peter Pan, Snow White, spring break, etc, etc. I hope things work out between us. (12/20/94)

I'm not proud of my past self for depending on a guy for my happiness. He doesn't like me...I want to kill myself. Never mind. He likes me. I want to live!

Unfortunately, I do, occasionally, still have days like this.

The last was during Thanksgiving. I went home to stay with Annie, our cat. I had gotten in a big fight with my sister and husband.  We had sort of all made up, but I was still upset. Then the next day, I wasn't hearing much from anyone. I felt neglected and forgotten. Oh also I was estranged from my parents and got this idea that everyone was talking about me. I imagined everyone bitching about me to the point of hating me. I was really diving deep into delusion. I felt worthless and depressed.

THEN I learned that there had been a huge family drama at the lake house while I was safely at home with Annie.  The fight was so bad that it led to everyone leaving the lake house early—Saturday instead of the planned-on Sunday.

The fight was very stressful and awful—depressing. But it did boost my self-esteem a bit, because sometimes I feel (delusionally) that I'm the cause of most family problems. The fight proved me wrong. Plus...they also had that big fight on the cruise.

There is actually a ton of family drama that doesn't directly involve me.

Anyway, though.  I still need to work on keeping my self-esteem at healthy levels when things go wrong...or, even more so, when I imagine they're going wrong.

We went to Target today and bought shit for the trip. (12/21/94)

Now I'm thinking we weren't even on a cruise. I think we were getting ready for one...or some other type of trip.

Plus I should have suspected something before. I don't think we were able to receive phone calls from friends or boyfriends on cruise ships.

Then...what boat was I talking about?

Oh! Wait. Maybe I was talking about the boat we'd be going on...if we were going on a cruise.

Melissa is so rude to mom. It is so annoying. (12/94/91)

Another reminder that I'm not the only one that causes drama in the family.

I think there was a time where, when my parents would fight, I would take my mom's side and Dawn and Melissa would take my dad's.

Mom and I went to Soup and Salad and talked about friendships. It was interesting. (12/21/94)

That's cool.

I'm mad because I accidentally packed one of the books I was going to read on the cruise. (12/22/94)

So...yeah. We were going on a cruise.

Today we sang Christmas Carols which was fun but weird. David was there acting rather foolish. At least Dawn and Melissa thought so. He was mildly amusing to me, but he wasn't very nice. I think he is a little stuck on himself. (12/24/94)

I'm not sure who David is. I assume he's someone we met on the ship?

All day I've been thinking about vampires because I dreamed about Lestat. I want to dream about vampires again. (12/25/94)

I like how dreams influence my daytime thoughts sometimes.

I felt bad because Dawn got mad at Judd and he acted hurt and then he got sick. I feel so bad for him. (12/25/94)

As much as it hurts to feel other people angry at me, I think it's often worse to see someone else being the target of anger.

Melissa and I had fun at nap time. We sang songs from Evita, Annie, Pete's Dragon, etc. It seems like this cruise, the fun is on the 7th deck and at nap time. (12/26/94)

Well, I guess we weren't getting much sleep at nap time.

And where was Dawn? Was she trying to sleep? Were we keeping her awake?

Oh...wait. She was probably sharing a cabin with Judd.

It is hard to believe that Charles and I have been going out for a month. I think that is pretty cool. Nights here on this boat suck, but Lestat improves them. Thank God for Anne Rice. (12/27/94) seems it was actually that my waking life was influencing my dreams.

It actually goes both ways, though. I will dream about something I'm reading or watching. Then the dream will make me become more interested and attached to the book, movie, TV show, etc.

I hate the disco here. (12/27/94)

I think I was unable to greatly enjoy this cruise because I kept comparing it to the magical time we had on the last cruise.

Today I finished listening to The Body Thief. I finished listening to it while the sun was setting. I saw the sky change from light blue to red to dark blue. 

We went on a submarine. It was not so great. I've seen more exciting fish in the pet shop.

I am in love with Lestat.  I think my true happiness and excitement in life comes from watching movies and reading books. Once in awhile, my real life gets glimpses of excitement. (12/28/94)

I still feel the same way...minus the crush on Lestat.

Today we went to Antigua which was very nice. The people there were super nice. A cop asked for my address so we could be penpals. (12/29/94)

I vaguely remember that.

It's been awhile since I've had a positive feeling about a police officer. But that police officer wasn't a US police officer. And if I remember correctly, he wasn't white.

Melissa and I got in a big fight but when we made up, we got along even better. It is funny how when you get in a fight, it brings people closer together.  (12/30/94)

I no longer feel that way.

I think a part of me used to like fights, because I felt it brought things out in the open. I think I felt that they were...maybe...cleansing?

Now I hate them 100%.

They very rarely solve anything. There might be moments of tenderness and bonding. But I think the real problems just get pushed under the rug. Nothing is really solved.  And the same themes are repeated over and over again.

This cruise bothers me a lot on how the cruise staff acts like bums and is treated like royalty while the dining room staff is treated like shit.  (12/30/94)

I wonder if I had also noticed that the higher ranking (and better treated) staff is usually white while the other staff is usually not white.

I many cruise directors are people of color? And how about ship captains and other ship officers? Are there many that are not white?

Oh!  I just read further down!  I DID notice.

Now I'm not sure if I want to work on a ship. All the cruise staff is white while dining room staff is nonwhite or hispanic or Indian. There is something wrong here. (12/30/94)

I was more woke than I remembered.

As for my way of describing race... I guess I thought of only black people as being nonwhite.

The last time we went to Disney World, I finally noticed what I should have noticed long ago. There's something not right with their employment practices.

It seems to me that most people who interact directly with customers are white. This includes the cast members at the entrance, the front desk at the hotels, the people working the rides, the wait staff at restaurants and kiosks, etc.  The exception are places with certain country themes. For example, I see a fair amount of black people working at Disney's Animal Kingdom—the park and the resort. They both have an African theme. Asians work at the China and Japan pavilions in Epcot. The Mexico pavilion has Hispanic people.

What bothered me the most was that there weren't more black and brown people in the other country pavilions.  Canada isn't all white. Neither is the United Kingdom, France, Norway, Germany, etc. But if we were to make assumptions about a country's population based on Epcot World Showcase staffing, I think we'd be making incorrect ones.

I went to bed pretty early last night. 2:00. That is early considering last year we never went to bed. (12/30/94)

On our last cruise, I had all these grand plans of staying up late and hanging out with Dawn. We'd go to shows, hang out at the disco, etc.

I ended up going to bed early each night.

I ended up on an early schedule. I was usually up around 6.

I felt disappointed in myself and the situation.  I keep trying to tell myself it's okay—that you just get another type of cruise experience. I doubt I rarely experienced mornings on a cruise when I was a teen or young adult.

I think on vacations you have to decide are you going to A) be an early riser—enjoy the quiet of the morning. B) party most of the night C) give up sleep.

My personality and sleep style fits much better with A.  I need to just kind of accept that and stop regretting that I no longer do much at night.

Plus...I don't usually feel good at night.

Still. I feel bad. I feel I disappointed myself. And maybe I was a disappointment to Dawn as well. I'm not sure how much she was counting on me.

My Life in 1994 (part 13)

My 1990's life continues.....

I just wanted to take this moment to note that these posts are about as real as reality TV.

It's distorted. 

A) My diaries tell only my side of the story.  

B)My younger self didn't write down every feeling, thought, event, etc.

C) My current self is choosing what excerpts to include here.   

Anyway...on with the show (which no one is probably watching)

I went out to dinner with Luke and Charles. I am a tiny bit interested in Charles, but not too much. (12/1/94)

Not too much....yet.

If I remember correctly, Charles was the president of ACE (Association of Campus Entertainment). I think I became attracted to his power. 

I saw a terrible movie tonight. It was called The Professional. I saw it with Luke, Matthew, and Ryan. The four of us and Hagit hung out together at temple. It was fun, but we saw a guy barf into his cup and drink it again. He was so calm about it. It was terrible. (12/2/94)

Well, THAT is something I've blocked out of my memory. Yikes. Was it someone at the temple who did that? 

Luke mentioned something about Charles liking me. Then he said he was kidding and changed the subject. I kind of am interested in him. (12/2/94)

Knowing how things turned out, I'm guessing that Luke was actually not kidding.

I am in another waiting for a guy to call situation. I hate this so much. He might have called though because my roommate said someone called and did not leave a nameBut still, he could have left a name. (12/3/94)

I'm wondering why I said roommate instead of the name of my roommate. Is there some kind of deep psychological reasoning behind that?

I think I am really starting to like Charles a lot. I don't know why. I think mostly because he is such a good listener. In that way, he reminds me of David. He seems very interested in me, not just to own as a girlfriend, but interested to know about me. (12/5/94)

This is still a trait that I treasure. 

I don't just want people in my life who have good listening and conversational skills. Though I prefer that to conversational narcissists! But I want people who find me fascinating. I want people that ask me questions that they truly want the answers to. I want people that want to read my blog, want to read my novels, and want to know as much about me as possible.  I guess part of that can be vain, selfish, etc. Maybe. But another part of me just likes people who are curious in general. And I guess I feel that if you have a strong relationship with someone, that person should be one of the things that sparks your curiosity.  

That being said...things ended up not working out with Charles. I think one of the reasons is he was maybe a bit TOO interested in certain things about me.  

Today was okay, but pretty lonely. I was alone all day studying. (12/6/94)

Final exams time.

Sometimes he acts as if just by kissing me that it means we are having a serious relationship. He seems to eager to tell the world we are dating. And me. I am afraid. I feel I have no control and that any day may be the last he calls. So far, this has lasted 3 days. I hope it lasts at least until I go home so I don't come home heartbroken like last year. (12/6/94)

I think, because of Mike #2 and Hayden, I was weary about getting my hopes up and becoming attached to anyone. 

I love Luke. Charles is cool too. (12/7/94)

I wish I was still friends with Luke.

Besides these diaries, I've also been reading my bag full of college letters. Snail mail! It makes me miss everyone, and I regret not keeping in touch.

Though now I'm thinking, which would be worse A) not keeping in touch at all B) keeping touch only via likes/favorites on social media apps.

I think I prefer where I'm at now.  

I realize that I love having relationships with NEW people through only social media. For example. I kind of love some of the people I follow on Flickr, though all I know about them is through their photos. I feel a connection to them. I think that's great. The same goes for Twitter, Instagram, etc.

What I HATE is when you have IRL friends, relatives, etc. and the relationship has been reduced to brief and infrequent social media interactions.  That, to me, is depressing.

So...going back to what I said about wanting my loved ones to be interested in me. I guess...I'd want them to to want to know about me, but they'd also have to want to interact with me. 

I don't know how to feel. I keep worrying that Charles will stop liking me, but it has to stop. Otherwise it will be me who stops liking him. I'll won't be able to handle the stress. 

I think he is nice, but too therapeutic. He thinks he is my psychologist and physical therapist. He always wants to help me. I think it is nice, but sometimes I want to scream, I am a person, not a patient! (12/10/94)

I wonder if Charles could be the type of person who ends up being controlling and abusive. 

But anyway, that's what I meant earlier about him being a bit TOO interested. 

Somewhere between not-caring and caring too much is a healthy, tolerable balance.  

I don't like Tim's low level of concern regarding my health and safety. But I also wouldn't want someone who seemed obsessed with it.  

Today, no tonight, Charles called and I made an effort not to whine. Instead, when he insulted me, I just joked back, and in a way, I think it bothered him.

I think Charles, in a way, is like the guy in When a Man Loves a Woman. He wants me to be helpless and troubled. But I will try hard not to be that way. (12/11/94)

I wonder what was the nature of the insults. 

But yeah. The more I read, the more he seems like someone who could be a controlling-abuser. further down. Here's one insult.

Tonight he said, "I like to play hard to get sometimes."

I said, "Me too".

And he said, "Do you even know how to play hard to get?"

What is that supposed to mean? (12/11/94)

Yeah. What is that supposed to me? I still want to know!

Maybe...that I would act too desperate?

I don't think there's anything awful in that insult. But I can imagine, if remarks like that were frequent, it would not be good.  

I don't feel very good. I have been so tired all day. I had lucid dreams this morning and that was good.

Today I talked to Luke and Jenny on the phone. I'm so worried that I'll start abandoning friends. (12/12/94)

That isn't the first time I've seen myself mentioning a fear of abandoning friends because of Charles.

I'm not sure why I had that worry.

Did I usually have it when starting a relationship?  I remember reading something when I first started dating a Matt in my freshman year.  I'm not sure if it happened other times.

Was there something in Charles' personality that gave me that fear? This would go well with my theory of him maybe being the abusive-type.

Or...Did I simply not want yet another change in my social life?  I had already gone through so many social group changes. I might have simply wanted some stability.  

I like that Matthew comes to temple because it gives me someone to joke with. He annoys me sometimes. Everyone annoys me sometimes. (12/12/94)

It's very nice to have someone to joke with.

Today I took a nap from 10-3. It was pretty nice. I had interesting dreams. (12/13/94)

WTF!  I pretty much slept all day.  Did I not sleep the night before?

These days, my naps are more like 20 minutes.

I think I am falling in love with Charles, but I'm not sure. I think in some ways he likes me because I am not the kind of girl he usually chooses. Then I think one of the reasons I like him is because he is so the norm. (some stuff here I can't read). His favorite show is Melrose Place. He loves Christmas. And he likes top 40 music. His taste in music just cracks me up. (12/14/94)

I can't imagine I truly liked Charles because he was in the norm. I think it was more a case of liking him DESPITE him being in the norm.

I had fun shopping today.  I dread going to the doctor tomorrow. I don't like her much. I think she is really bitchy, and last time I had such a bad experience there. (12/15/94)

I don't often like doctors.

Wednesday I have an appointment with our new doctor. I'm expecting to not like this doctor as well.

I went to the doctor and she said something that Charles probably won't like too much. She said there is really nothing I can do about my back. (12/16/94)

My kyphosis was one of the things that Charles wanted to fix.

I do actually remember that appointment. The doctor said something along the lines of you can't get a new back, but maybe you should get a new boyfriend.  Though I don't usually like doctors and I also didn't adore that particular doctor; I DO appreciate what she said there.


Saturday, April 28, 2018

My Life in 1994 (Part 12)

More excerpts from my 1990's diaries.

Now I'm in November of my senior year of college.

All my friends came over and surprised me with a birthday cake. It was super nice, but it didn't make me super happy. It did keep me from crying, though. (11/22/94)

Sometimes there's nothing we can do to make someone happy. But there are things we can do to prevent them from being even more unhappy.

I need to find out about why I have my problem. I do have major sexual problems. I feel when a guy is touching me, he is exploiting me not loving me. (11/22/94)

I think I had this problem because a lot of men ARE exploiting women rather than loving them.

Matthew drove me to the airport. For a second, I considered liking him, but then he started annoying me. I feel too comfortable around him. I put my make-up on in front of him and my deodorant.  I hardly do that even in front of girls. He is like a brother. (11/23/94) a husband you've been married to for many years.

Today for Thanksgiving we ate at Mimi's. I hardly talked to Grandma and Grandpa. The only time...never mind. I was very popular with Arthur and Stephanie. Arthur proposed to me and Stephanie cried because she couldn't sit with me. (11/24/94)

Sometimes it feels so nice to be adored by young children.

I wonder why I didn't talk to my grandparents. Was there a problem? Or was it just a matter of them being at the other side of the table...or something like that?

Another neat thing is we called Evan and we might see him and Darren Saturday. (11/24/94)

Those were two of the guys from our beloved cruise.

Dawn and I got in a fight but we handled it pretty well. I didn't cry. I haven't cried for over 24 hours, so I am proud.  (11/25/94)

I was crying a lot that month. I'm not sure if that was due to hormones or Hayden.  If it was Hayden related, I don't think Hayden was the full cause. It was probably more like a build up of all the relationship/romance drama I had endured throughout college.

Today was one of the weirdest days of my life. We saw Darren and Evan and it was so weird. Darren looked and acted exactly the same. He was still constantly searching for ways to put chemicals in his body. Evan looked a little different but he acted the same. On the cruise, we left him in a bad mood. And now we came back to him in a bad mood. It was all so weird. 

Once when we went into a store and they played Go West. That was the first time since the cruise that I heard that song played in a public place. Also, in another store, Melissa heard them playing her dance song with Darren. It was too weird. (11/26/94)

Did I stress enough that the day was weird?

I don't remember Evan's bad mood—on the cruise or the meet-up. And I'm not sure why that would be weird.

I do think the song thing is wonderfully weird. It's stuff like that which makes me feel there is more to this universe that can be explained by science. It makes me believe in spiritual stuff.

"Go West" was my song from the cruise. I heard it, loved it, and then spent weeks trying to find it. So it's really cool that, on the day we had a reunion with our cruise friends, I heard the song playing.  I mean, if it was a popular song that was often played in stores, that would be a different story. But it wasn't, so....

I love stuff like that.

I don't feel hurt by Hayden right now, just angry and mildly amused. I want revenge. My mom thinks it is because I still like him. I think it is because I am sick of guys getting away with such crap. My one plan is to ask about Theresa when I see him, preferably in a group. The best situation is if he is trying to flirt with some girls. I need to play dumb, though. It needs to look like I really believe they have a relationship. But I sort of want him to suspect me. I want him to fear me. He is shit. (11/29/94)

I fear me a bit. That's very conniving. My plan wasn't diabolical, but if I was actually making plans...yikes.

I think basically what I wanted is to thwart Hayden's flirting by letting his targets know he already had a girlfriend. that I think of it.

Maybe I'm not ashamed of my past self.

Maybe I'm kind of impressed.

It's not a bad plan.

It wouldn't cause anyone great harm—physically or emotionally. And it would help to protect another girl from being used by Hayden the way I had been used.

I guess the problem I had when I read that is I often want to see myself as being sweet, kind, innocent, etc.  But I have to face the fact that I DO have a wicked streak.

Sometimes a wicked streak is good...especially when you're living in a world where men have the power and most of them are assholes.

Friday, April 27, 2018

My Life in 1994 (Part 11)

New Diary Time!

This diary, with its evidence of the Mandela Effect, is my favorite of all my diaries. But apparently my past self wasn't a fan.

This is not my usual type of diary and I'm not sure I like it. Actually I really do not like it, but I won't waste it. (10/21/94)

I don't understand why I didn't like it. I've always liked childhood nostalgia type things.

I came home today. We went to the mall. Melissa and I walked around together. I bought the Evita CD and the Hook video. Melissa bought some jewelry, including a star of David earring. 

I read my old diary and found a repressed memory. Russ bruised my legs. I think that is the main reason I stopped liking him. (10/21/94)

Well, I guess even back then I was forgetting things. 

I got in a fight with my dad today. He was a real asshole. He started denying the whole Exorcist thing and said I made the whole thing up, that he would never do something like that. Then when I said what bothered me was I asked them to turn it off they wouldn't. He said in his stern, disgusted voice that I was selfish. 

Yes a 6-year-old is selfish for asking her parents to turn off a horror movie. When I got quiet, he yelled at me to snap out of it. Later he came to my room and said very angrily that he wanted to tell me what was on his mind. I told him I was getting dressed and would come to see him later. He said, like a 3 year old, I maybe busy later. I said maturely that I did not want to talk about it and that he hurt my feelings and I just needed time alone. He said okay in the voice of an angry toddler.  Then I was listening to music in my closet and about 4 minutes later, I realized he was yelling this long speech from behind my door. I heard only about 3 words of it. Oh well. I think he has mental problems. (10/21/94)

I'm glad I actually recorded some of the gaslighting. Though it makes me feel somewhat physically ill to read it, I feel vindicated. I guess a part of me has somewhat gaslighted myself about the past gaslighting.

Regarding The Exorcist, I think the gaslighting has happened in various forms throughout the decades. Sometimes it happened, but it's not really that big of a deal. Sometimes it didn't happen. I made the whole thing up.

One of the most recent conversations I remember (within the last five years, probably) is my dad admitting yes, he did have us watch The Exorcist. But what's REALLY disgusting and awful is that I made up these lies about him physically FORCING us to watch it. 

In other words, he made a minor parenting mistake. But the real awful person? His daughter who made up horrible lies about him.  

I had no idea where he got that story from, and just kind of sat there shocked and speechless. Later, though, I realized where he got the idea.  He used to tease me about forcing me to watch The Exorcist. He'd make up joking-threats. I think it was along the lines of what happens in a Clockwork Orange.  So he took these threats and twisted it in his head—turned them into something I had invented rather than him.  

I know that when I was a young child I was exposed to things that terrified me because of a conscious choice made by my father. I know I was not comforted and protected. I know throughout the years I've been gaslighted about it.

What I do NOT know is whether this gaslighting is conscious or not.  Does my dad remember everything and purposely manipulates me?   Or is my dad in denial? Does he truly believe that he's this close-to-perfect father who is being victimized by his dishonest, horrible daughter?  

Today we went to the zoo and I was videotaping a gorilla. Right while I was filming, he put his hand to his mouth and barfed into it. (10/23/94)


I vaguely remember that.

By the way, I think I understand my dislike of the diary now. I'm guessing it was not the Bernstain Bears that bothered me but the material of the diary. It feels different. The paper is stiffer and less smooth. I wonder if it felt scratchy when I was writing on it.  Maybe kind of resistant?  

My dad and I got along today. I was tempted to tell him I heard relatively nothing of his raging fit speech, but I figured telling him that would only cause trouble. (10/23/94)

I AM curious now about what he was ranting.  

It is fun to start a diary and to wonder where you will be at the end of it. This diary should probably end sometime in April. (10/23/94)

I just peaked in the back. I was wrong. It ended in February!  

We saw the Shawshank Redemption. It was really good. I felt claustrophobic because I was sitting between mom and dad. (10/24/94)

I'm guessing it was an emotional kind of claustrophobia, because, in a movie theater, don't you usually sit between two people? Well...if it's a crowded theater, at least.

I wish I could go back in time and get rid of Jesus before he would cause so much shit. Jesus, that is that one man the Jews should be ashamed of. Not that he was an asshole, but he did cause a lot of shit. (10/24/94)

Whether Jesus was real, fictional, God, or not-God, I think the believers are the cause of shit. Not Jesus.

If cruel and violent people didn't have religion, they'd find another excuse to hurt others.

Tonight was so horrible. I don't even want to talk about it. I just want to disappear. I wish I was someone else, somewhere else.

I am so afraid that I'm going to kill myself, that one day I will just snap and kill myself. There is a part of me that is so self-destructive. And then there is another part of me who is so against suicide and so grateful to be alive. I don't know how to be all these people at once. (10/25/94)

Well....I've managed it for about 45 years!

I do sometimes still worry about snapping and killing myself. I don't worry about becoming very depressed, planning out a suicide, and then going through with it. I don't think I'd ever do that.  I do worry about having a nervous breakdown and doing something spur of the moment. But it would have to be like I'm having a huge fight on top of a cliff or something, and I just jump.  If I had to walk to the cliff, I'd probably lose my nerve by the time I got there.

In a way, maybe that's what my fear of heights is partly about. It might be that idea of going crazy suddenly and jumping.  

I also used to have lucid dreams where I'd use a high place to jump off and start flying. I'd get worried that one day I'd THINK I was in a dream, but...oops.

All this being said, I've had mini-nervous breakdowns during my life. I've had times where I've been incredibly angry, incredibly hurt, and my self-esteem has plummeted. I've never come close to killing myself.  The worst I've done, in terms of self-injury, is scratched myself with my fingernails. 

I grabbed a bottle of pills during the ouija board drama, but I don't think I even opened it.

Also, around that time period, I tried to suffocate myself in my bed with my blankets, but I think that was more experimental. I don't think I was very determined or serious.

Mom and I both liked Pulp Fiction. (10/26/94)

Funny. I have a hard time imagining my mom liking that movie.

I had a good day but I feel my depression feelings arriving. This morning I felt depressed. (10/27/94)

Matt is really cool. We talked about what foods we don't like. He doesn't like ketchup, mayonnaise, or salad dressing. (10/28/94)

Maybe that's the main reason Matthew and I became best friends. I despise mayonnaise.  

I didn't remember that Matthew and I shared that in common.

The sad thing is, I have felt anger and not-love towards Matthew ever since the MeToo movement started.  It's not that he did anything sexually abusive to me. But he laughed when I shared a story. So I've been angry. My regretful feelings of no-longer being friends with him have changed to a feeling of I'm-GLAD-you're-out-of-my-life.  But maybe reading about the good times will be healing....

Tonight I really bonded with Karen and Brian because they walked me home. Brian is so sweet because he seemed really sad that I would be leaving.

I feel weird talking to a guy who has a girlfriend. But I need to get over that, because it is immature. (10/29/94). Actually with my history, being aware of the risks was probably wise and mature.

I am really happy with these friends. They're cool. Everything is great. Knock on wood. (10/29/94)

I keep talking in a baby voice which I need to stop. (10/31/94)

Yeah. I kind of remember that. I don't know why I did it. I don't think I do it anymore.

It's funny that earlier I had written about my dad talking like a child.

I suppose we all regress at times.  

I fell asleep in psychology again. The girl who sits next to me says I was perfectly still and did not drool, snore, etc. That is a relief. I am starting to feel like I have some form of Epilepsy. (11/1/94).

I'm guessing I meant narcolepsy?

I remember a professor questioning me about falling asleep in class. It would happen despite me getting decent sleep most nights.

I remember feeling somewhat ashamed and guilty, but it wasn't something I could stop. It would just happen.

A black dog followed me home from the bookstore. A girl in 217 helped me feed him and give him water. I think he stayed in New Village all day and people played with him. (11/2/94)

That's sweet. 

There's something magical about a dog or cat following you all the way home.  Well...unless they're scary and have rabies, or something like that.

We went to an ACE meeting in New Village. There was this Australian guy named Haden that I had met before but I pretended not to remember him.  

He was really nice and I thought maybe he was interested in me. But these guys with cool accents are always seeming interested when they first meet you, but then when I see him again, he will probably show no interest.

He is so cute, though, and he sang U2 songs for us in the New Village field. (11/3/94)

Warning: Another crush saga is coming up.

As for pretending not to remember Haden, I'm GUESSING that what I meant is I got the idea that he didn't remember me, so I pretended not to remember him.  I was probably trying to avoid that awkward situation where you remember meeting someone and they don't remember you.

If he did remember me, and I pretended not to remember him?  Well, hopefully that wasn't the case, because it would be rude and manipulative.

Karin and Anne are super nice to me now. I am so happy that Anne is nice to me now. I wonder if she ever liked Russ, still likes Russ, will hate me if she finds out I like Russ. (11/4/94)

Yeah. I still liked Russ. Or crush had gone into remission; then it returned.

I remember Karen and Anne, vaguely. Or one of them, at least. When I was trying to remember Dana and imagined a girl with wavy blondish hair, I think I was remembering Karen or Anne.

I wish I could see Haden. Thursday night we might go to David's and eat so we can end up seeing Haden. We all like him. (11/4/94)

Did Haden work at David's?  Or maybe we just knew he hung out there a lot?

We drove home in the rain and I was really scared again. I went to see Frankenstein with Karin, Luke, Matthew, Chris, and I guess that is all. I loved the movie. (11/5/94)

I don't remember ever loving a Frankenstein movie. But I'll take my past word for it!

After the movie, I hung out with Karin and Luke until 3 in the morning. We told our whole life stories. Karin told more because she had diarrhea of the mouth and couldn't shut up! I like her a lot. She has terrible self-esteem like me. We are a lot a like. (11/5/94)

Well, let's see. I saw Haden today near Holt and I didn't say anything. He didn't even seem to recognize me. I thought look, he has forgotten me already. But then I went to David's to pick up some nachos and he was there! He was really nice and friendly. I said we might go and see him at David's. He said he'd stop by and pick us up. (11/7/94)

What the hell was up with the guys at this school?

It sometimes seems like I went to school not knowing it was a special school for people with dissociative disorders. 

I do not need to write a paper for my philosophy class. That relieves a lot of stress. (11/8/94)

This is another thing on my short list of memorable academic-related college experiences.

My major was psychology and one of the required (?) classes I took was the philosophy of psychology. Or something like that. It was taught by a philosophy professor.  I think he was well-respected and loved by philosophy students, but my psychology class was lost. We dreaded this paper we'd have to write. Then one day he told us we weren't his people and we didn't have to write the paper.  We were off the hook. We probably should have been insulted, but I think most of us were just relieved.

Now I'm wondering if it was some kind of test. Maybe he had wanted us to fight for the right to write the paper. Or maybe he wanted us to run over a bunch of people with a trolley.

I'm not sure.  

I'm wondering now, though...hadn't he taught this psychology class before? Were we the first to be given a pardon from the writing assignment?  

Luke told me that Anne and Jenny are mean to Karin. Everyone seems to talk bad about Karin, but I like her a lot. I feel a need to protect her. I think because she reminds me of myself and I want someone to protect me from the hurt. (11/8/94)

Yeah. I think maybe people with self-esteem issues need to stick together and support each other.  If possible.....

Today in ACE I sat between Haden and Russ. For me to choose Russ is pure stupidity. Haden really seems to like me. He came over twice and when we invited him to the basketball game and the movie, he said he'd go. (11/10/94)

I'm not sure what I mean by choosing Russ. I have this feeling that Russ had no interest in being chosen by me.

I NOW have some ideas about what Haden wanted from me. But I didn't know it back then.

I never would have believed this would happen between Hadyn and I. And I think all this shows God is up there planning little soap operas. 

The first night I met Hadyn was the night I worried whether Austin likes me or not. I was so into Austin until Hadyn came along. Then I found him quite interesting until Austin got jealous and finally gave me attention. And now Hadyn comes to enter my life when I am all worried about Russ. (11/11/94)

I'm confused. Was that all the way back in my junior year when I first liking Austin? Did I meet Hadyn for the first time then?  If so, it's not surprising he'd forget me. I probably remembered him only because of his Australian accent.

Hadyn was a total asshole today and that upset me. I hate when guys show a lot of interest and then drop you, because I keep wondering what did I do wrong? (11/12/94)

From what I remember, Haydn was super sweet—acted very interested and was very romantic. He put on the mask of the perfect potential boyfriend. We got a bit physical but not overly so. Then the next time I saw him, he treated me like dirt.

My theory is he was after one thing, and was putting a lot of creative effort into getting it. Then when he realized, I was less easy than he hoped, he quickly lost interest.

OR...he had a dissociative identity disorder, and the personality, who was madly in love with me, had gone underground.

I hate guys. I hate guys. I hate guys. I hate guys. I hate guys. I hate guys. I hope Hadyn chokes on his vomit and goes into convulsions. He is such an asshole. I thought God was trying to be nice by sending Hadyn my way, but he was just being an asshole. God must be a male. If God was female, I wouldn't have this problem. Fuck this. Fuck all guys. They should all go to hell. I hate men. I hate men. I despise male creatures. I am so depressed and so damn sick of this shit. Why does this have to happen twice in one fucking semester? I don't know what I did wrong. I don't understand at all. Guys like me one minute and then they don't. It is not fair. (11/13/94)

Yeah. It's all a bit frustrating. 

Now, reading it, I just feel like I was experiencing what all humans are bound to experience. But I think back then, I was taking it personal.

I felt bad all day but my mom called and cheered me up. Even if Hadyn is truly a jerk, I can still hold out hope that he'll turn out okay. And that maybe he was in a bad mood. (11/14/94)

I'm wondering what my mom meant about that. Maybe it's that men are assholes, period. And just because a man treats you like crap, it doesn't mean they're not interested in you.

A part of me is arguing with that. But you shouldn't settle! We should find men who are NOT assholes, are not moody, and treat us consistently with respect. But the experienced and realistic side of me says, there is no such thing as a man like that.

I have forgiven Hadyn and will try hard to be nice to him and I'll try not to call him or lose myself or act desperate. Ann saw him yesterday and he was talking to someone about "I keep trying to call and she hangs up on me." So he really is not over his ex-girlfriend. So as much as I am hurting, he is hurting more. Also as much as I'd like to call and say I'm there for him, I know how much I hated when I wanted one person to call and someone else called instead. (11/15/94)

I'm not sure whether I should be touched or disgusted by my compassion here.

Today was quite nostalgic. I saw Rolando today. We talked about old times for awhile. He said he used to see me just as a buddy, and now he sees me as a desirable woman. (11/16/94)

Rolando was one of my first semester friends.

Hadyn has not called yet or sent that big bouquet of flowers. He needs to hurry up and get his butt over here. I feel like I'm over my depression, but I do think of Hadyn quite often and I still have hope. I keep wishing for him to call, but I have enough friends to keep my mind off things. (11/16/94)

I think this was more about me trying to have a sense of humor than me being delusional. Though I'm sure there WAS some delusional wishing going on.

I wonder what ever happened to Hadyn. Did he go back to Australia? Did he stay in the U.S? Did he use many more women?

Then I was near tears and Andrea was pointing at me, saying I looked like I was about to cry. And then in front of everyone, I started crying. I just can't stop crying for stupid reasons. I think I laugh a lot too, so it is at least balanced. (11/17/94)

I guess I was in some sort of heightened emotional state.

Today I saw Hadyn and I saw him from far away and did not know it was him.

I thought that guy could be Hadyn, but it isn't. And it was. And he was rude and unfriendly.

Anne and Karin say they see him, and he is rude to them. 

What happened to our Hadyn?

I just thought of a good story. A woman meets a guy who is perfect for her. But it ends up he is just a multiple personality of a jerk. (11/18/94)

Even back then, I had the multiple personality theory.

I still like the story idea, and it actually seems fairly plausible...unless you're one of those people who don't believe that dissociative identity disorder is real.

I believe it's a real disorder.

And I'm going to let myself believe that there's this Australian entity that's trapped inside an Australian asshole. And that lovely identity was once madly in love with me.  I'll imagine he was a college student falling in love in Tennessee. He went to bed; then the next thing he knew he was waking up at a forty-year-old man in a pub in Broken Hill. How did I get here?

That story is actually kind of depressing. 

Maybe I'll go back to the one where Hadyn is an asshole who was missing his ex-girlfriend and TRIED to use me, because he was also missing having sex.

Today I am full of so much rage. I am just hurting people and hurting myself. I feel terrible and hopeless but I don't want to die. I just want to be all alone. I don't want to go to Thanksgiving. I wish I could go in the graveyard and stay there. (11/19/94)

There was a cemetery near my college, so that's why I sometimes say stuff like that. I mean it's NOT why I was depressed. But it's why I would see the graveyard as some type of place to go to when feeling depressed.  

I wonder if I ever did go alone.

I don't remember ever going alone.

But, as my diary is showing me, there are events and people in my life that I have forgotten.  

I told Karin and Matt about how I think I may have been sexually abused. I don't want to diagnose that, but I don't know why.  Why am I like this? (11/19/94)

It could have been mysterious, forgotten sexual abuse. Or it could have been caused by other things. Emotional (non-sexual) abuse. Past life abuse? Personality disorder?

Who knows.....

There is a part of me that is still a child and it is not a happy child. She is a very mean, selfish, demanding, viscous, manipulative little girl. (11/19/94)

My present self might be too generous, but I don't think I was ever THAT evil.

I did have moments of manipulation. I remember that. I would feel hurt and insecure; then purposely act difficult to test people's love.  

I think, though, that the description of my inner child was more a reflection of my low self-esteem than my behavior.  

Today I was not depressed from about 12 onward. I am very proud. The first good thing was I finished my English paper in about 15 minutes. I was so stressed about it, because I have no idea how to write a poetry paper. My next proud thing was Hadyn. I saw him at the soccer (can't read word here) He wasn't super nice, but I am proud of how I acted. I did not ignore him and I wasn't desperate. I was friendly, asked him questions, and I even joked with him. I did have an urge to grab him and say, Hey Shithead. What happened to you? But I kept my cool. I am so proud. (11/20/94)

I was proud of myself for being nice to a guy who treated me like crap. I think if I could do that moment over again, I would have chosen the ignore-him route.

It would have been different if he had approached me. With that, I think there is strength and courage in being civil. But to approach him? Not necessary and not deserved.

I still feel bad about Hadyn. Today I remembered how I leaned against him and his heart was beating so fast. I listened all day to the song from Miss Saigon and it reminds me of him. 

I want to know why he did it, but it is too common to answer.

The same thing happened to Dana with Tony.  She thought things were great between them.

I think what hurts so much is you start to worry and think, were they having a terrible time while I thought I was having a wonderful time?

I think the lesson for this is more distrust and to not pretend that you like someone a lot if you don't. It's not fair to hurt someone so badly, is it?  (11/21/94)

I think the first half of that lesson was advice for me so I'd avoid getting hurt again. The second half was a reminder not to do the same to someone else.  

Too often people use other people and give them false hope about love...for various reasons: sex, needing a rebound relationship, needing an ego boost, etc. 

My Life in 1994 (part 10)

More diary excerpts from my senior year of college!

I miss dogs and kids. I am starting to like Hagit. She is immature, but so am I, so it works out. (9/23/94)

Hagit was a girl I met from Temple, I believe. She was Israeli, which I, of course, thought was cool. What I wasn't a fan of was the fact that she was a Messianic Jew. I'm not sure if she was a Jew for Jesus...or something else.

Jews for Jesus and similar organizations work to convert Jews to Christianity via manipulative means. There shouldn't have to be something called Jews for Jesus, just like there doesn't need to be Asians for Jesus, Muslims for Jesus, Blacks for Jesus, Tall people for Jesus, etc. If you believe Jesus is God, you should just be called a Christian. If you want to cling to some of your other heritages, no problem with that. But if you're clinging to your heritage only to manipulate other people in your group to come to Jesus; I'm not fine with that.

Mike called AGAIN today. PEST.  I called him back late at night and he said he wanted to take a walk with me. I told him I felt uncomfortable about doing that. He was like, Oh I see." I know I hurt him, but what am I supposed to do?  (9/24/94)

Saying no was probably the right choice. Mike was my ex-boyfriend. We had been broken up for over a year and a half.  Saying yes would have been sending out the wrong message.

Then a little voice in me is saying, But what if he wasn't trying to get back together with you? What if he just needed someone to talk to?

And I've just answered that voice back. What's wrong with the phone? Couldn't we just talk that way? Or is it even best that I'm the listener? Could he find someone else? Or how about writing in a diary?

Oh, someone  (an agent) wants to read my Potential Friends screenplay. My parents were overly excited. I told them it was not that big of a deal. (9/24/94)

My parents were overexcited about my writing?! Why wasn't I overexcited about them being overexcited?

What's strange is about a year or so later, I got in a huge fight with my dad, and he told me I've pretty much never achieved anything in my life without him pulling his powerful strings in the background. I brought up the fact that I had gotten an agent for my screenplay. He acted very unimpressed with that.

Why was he proud at one time and then dismissive later? Maybe he took my statement of it not being a big deal too seriously?  Or maybe it simply didn't fit into his storyline of, the father is a big, important somebody and the daughter is a worthless nobody.

By the way, my dad did profusely apologize for that fight. I appreciated the apology. It was touching. But an apology can't erase what the fight revealed about his personality and his opinion of me.

I made Wynoka cry today. I've never met anyone so sensitive. 

She asked me what religion I was and I said Jewish. She was cool about it. She said, Laurel had been her roommate. We talked about Laurel and then she said, "I'm not trying to stereotype but does your dad give you everything you want like Laurel".

Then her and Joanne started talking about it. I was hurt and got really quiet. Later they asked me what was wrong and I told them and Wynoka had tears just dripping out of her eyes. She felt so bad and I did not know what to do.

I guess it was like how I felt when Dawn thought I was taking pictures of her scars and when Rachel wheezed and I imitated her, not knowing she was wheezing. (9/25/94)

Poor, Wynoka...probably.

I'm older and wiser now, and a part of me is skeptical. Did she really feel sad and guilty? Or was her crying a manipulation technique?

I've experienced both types of crying these past few decades. There's the one where someone truly feels horribly guilty about what they've said or done.  The other is where it feels like the person is using their tears as a distraction.  OR, the tears are for real, but they are not tears of guilt. They are tears of self-pity.

I can't remember the episode with Wynoka, so I can't interpret her tears.

I'm just wondering....

Grizabella blurted out in the middle of a discussion that she was raped. I didn't know what to say so I was silent. I guess it's how people react when I say something about Dawn. (9/26/94)

Another fake name there, by the way.

Anyway...I hate when people do it to me, and I hate that I did it to Grizabella. It's just totally NOT okay.

I've been so hungry lately. I think I may be anemic. I constantly feel tired and weak. Then again, I may just be a hypochondriac. (9/27/94)

I think that's something I want to stop doing—be dismissive of my own health worries by calling myself a hypochondriac. I get enough dismissiveness from my husband, parents, brother-in-law, sister, doctors, etc. I don't need to add to the shit. 

My roommates went to synagogue with me. I had fun with Wynoka. I felt as if we bonded. But Joanna and Catina were in a awful mood. It really bothers me when I bring people to synagogue and they sulk the whole time.  (9/30/94)

I wonder why they were in a bad mood.

I keep trying to see Edward around. I think this is good I like him. It will give me reason to leave my apartment. (10/3/94)

A new crush.

I remember Edward but not the crush. I'm guessing it probably didn't last too long.

Mom sent me a package today. Also, Melissa sent me a Bob Marley tape because it reminded her of the cruise. (10/4/94)

I wish I talked about what my mom sent me. I'm curious.

I got a letter from an agent saying he wanted to be my agent. I thought that was pretty cool. (10/4/94)

I wish I acted more excited about these things.

Wait...I just saw. There's more.

I hope the agent thing works out. I told myself not to tell anyone about the agent, but I already told Chris. (10/4/94)

I hope I wasn't too braggy about it, and I hope Chris acted supportive about it.

I am sick and in a bad mood. I don't feel like dealing with illness at the moment. Oh well. What can you do? (10/6/94)

When is anyone in the mood to deal with illness?

Well, I guess there are times where it's worse.

Yesterday I felt pretty awful, but I had no plans so it wasn't a huge deal. It would be worse if I felt that way while on vacation...or something like that.

I've had a bad day. I want to go to synagogue and go out with friends. Also, I was thinking they never invite me anywhere. That is annoying. I can understand the guys not calling, in a way, but what about Jennifer. (10/7/94)

Answer from Your Future Self: Jennifer probably didn't like you and didn't want you around.

That's one of the important lessons I've learned in life. Well I've learned it, but I don't always listen.

If someone treats you like they don't like you, BELIEVE THEM.  If someone acts like you're a low priority to them, BELIEVE THEM.  If someone acts like they don't want be around you, BELIEVE THEM.

If they treat you poorly once in awhile, that's a different story. We all have our moods. And obviously people have problems outside the relationship. It's very self-centered to assume that someone's behavior is always a reflection on how they feel about us.

But if the problem is consistent, take their actions to heart. Do not question them with hopes that they'll give you an answer that makes you feel better. Because their answer will likely be a mixture of excuses and gaslighting.

I've been trying to smile all day so people think I am happy. I keep a smile by thinking of a silly or happy song. (10/11/94)

I ate 2 muffins. Yikes. I still do like Edward. The worse is happening. Michael came and sat by me at dinner again. He gets on my nerves. He said he was attracted to me since last January. I think he is obsessed with me. (10/13/94)

I think the rule was that I could have crushes on people, but people were not allowed to have them on me.

At synagogue, I met this very interesting guy about age 20 who wants to convert to Judaism. His name is Matthew. (10/14/94)

Matthew became one of my best friends. It was a VERY intense friendship, but it didn't last very long.

Jennifer and Chris suck! Chris treats me like total dogshit. He acts like Jennifer is Mrs. Angel and I'm regurgitated chopped liver. FUCK HIM.  I said that when we got home I would go home so he could be with Jennifer alone so perhaps they could have some time alone. I thought I was being pretty nice. I said after you talk to her, you can come over.

He acted as if I was being so selfish. He said, "I'm not going to rush out of there to talk to you".

He can go to hell. (10/15/94)

I really think Chris and Jennifer had simply stopped liking me. It sounds like I kept pushing myself on them, and I couldn't take a hint.

A miracle has happened. Jennifer and Austin have finally gotten together. Maybe you can get a guy with persistence. The question is who do I pursue, Russ or Edward? (10/17/94)

I no longer feel it's a good thing to win a person over with persistence.

I think persistence is good when it does NOT involve a specific person. For example, I think it's fine to be persistent in the goal of finding someone to be your friend. I don't think it's a good idea to be persistent in making a specific person your friend...especially if they've made it known they're not interested.

I'm not sure, though, if it was actually persistence that brought Jennifer what she had wanted for so long. She and Austin had been friends for a long time. He might have just eventually realized he was attracted to her. Or maybe the chemistry wasn't there, and then suddenly it was.

Jennifer and I had a long talk. I told her I liked Edward. She said she does not recommend him, but we talked about how I don't like Austin and Chris while she does not like Russ and Edward. I almost died laughing because Jennifer started guessing who I liked and she said Austin. (10/17/94)

Oh! Now I'm wondering if that's the reason Jennifer had been giving me the cold shoulder.

The year before, we had been enemies/frenemies because I started dating Austin, not realizing that when Jennifer had once told me she thought he cute, that this was an understatement. She had a massive, obsessive crush on him. Things ended between Austin and me. Jennifer and I got past the hatefest. But I guess then she started suspecting I was still into Austin.

I thought about joining ACE, mostly because Russ is in it, but also because I like that whole group: Luke, Jenny, Karen, but not Ann. (10/19/94)

What was wrong with Ann?

I sat with Dana and Anthony at dinner. Dana talked about moving in but now a girl named Pinky is moving in. I'm not sure if I like her or not. (10/19/94)

Pinky sounds vaguely familar to me.

I don't remember all this stuff about having only two roommates, and a third one being brought in. I really thought there had always been four of us.

I did have a lot of fun today. I went to the ACE meeting at 4. Then I hung out with Luke, Doug, Jenny, Russ, Ann, Karin, and Brian. (10/20/94)

ACE was the campus entertainment organization. I can't remember what it stood for. Maybe Association of Campus Entertainment?

For the last page of this diary I have a summary/list of various things.

Happy about: Jennifer and Austin getting together. going home. Finding a new group of friends. Having nice roommates. Getting along better with black people. Having first real black friends. Maybe having an agent.

I had black friends in middle school and high school, so I'm not sure what I meant by that. Maybe I meant as in having friends that you actually go out and do stuff with?

I don't know.

Black, white, brown...whatever. I have trouble having "real" friendships with people of ALL colors.

I get what I was saying about getting along better, though. I think that goes back to the Jewish-Black conflicts that were happening in general and it seeming to rub off on my relationship with my junior-year roommates.  I think Joanna was nice enough and charitable enough to help me get back on decency.

Sad about: Passha dying, having to leave school in 7 months.

Well, earlier I had been dreading coming back to school, so it was kind of nice that I now was sad about eventually leaving it.

Angry about: Edward for being an asshole. Someone is eating my food w/o telling me. Mike (the one who never called)

Excited about: Cruise, Halloween, graduation, film school, my birthday.

Ashamed about: Messing up Kosher thing last night.

Well, Current-Dina is ashamed that I was ashamed about something like that instead of much bigger the Woody Allen issue. Or how about how I pushed myself on people who wanted to get away from me.

 My past homophobia and racism?

The fact that I was a hypocrite about certain things?

Friends-Joanna, Catina, Wynoka, Danielle, Jennifer, Dana, Luke, Doug, Brian, Jenni, Russ, Chris, Ann, Karin, Temple people.

Favorite foods-Trail mix, oatmeal, hot chocolate.

I still love all those foods.

Interests lately-The Stand, Gary Sinese, AOL, Judaism, Messianic Jews (negative way).  Meaning I was preoccupied with disliking Messianic Judaism.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

My Life in 1994 (Part 9)

More excerpts from my diaries!

It will be so nice to get a break from AOL. Some guy majorly offended me today and then I offended Lostway. (8/11/94)

It was the beginnings of something most of us now experience—the desire for connection with strangers mixed with the need to escape from all of them.

It is strange how a plane crash can bring strangers together. So close. Sometimes when I get on a plane, I look at the people and think these are the people I may be stranded with on a snowy mountain. Sometimes at Synagogue I think, these are the people in the concentration camp with me.

Someone called Judd and yelled anti-semitic things to him and threatened to bomb his house. I remember when I didn't know about racism or anti-semitism.

I think Pierre (not sure if that's the word here?) is wrong now. I don't think education is what can cure the evils of the world. An educated mind can be just as evil as an ignorant mind. Sometimes education helps, but sometimes it causes so much harm. (8/12/94)


I guess the thing about education is it's also indoctrination. When we desire for people to be educated, we imagine they're going learn what WE want them to learn. But this is not always the case.

We went to the circus today. It was a lot of fun. They had a lot of animals. Tigers, camels, llamas, mountain lions, elephants, horses, chimpanzees, and baboons. Oh yea. Buffalo and zebra (8/13/94)

I guess I was ignorant about the mistreatment of circus animals.

One could argue that education would remove my ignorance and lead me to not supporting circuses. BUT that's only if I read the information that was against circus animals. What if, instead, I read things written by people who defended the use of animals in circuses?

My stomach really hurts. (8/11/94)

It seems like almost every diary entry has a mention of my stomach hurting. I'm sparing my blog most of that, but decided I should note that it's there.

I was so proud of my dad today because he admitted his mistakes. (8/11/94)

I wonder, what mistakes?

Big ones he's made through out life or more trivial ones he made that day?

Melissa pretends to hate how she looks, but I think she knows she is beautiful. She has that I-have-a-boyfriend-so-I-must-be-special attitude. Today I thought how the time Melissa did not want to go to the airport because she wanted to spend the day with Brad, because holy shit she would not see him for a full week later while she would not see me for a month or so. (8/15/94)

I remember that. I didn't like that she put more priority over her boyfriend than her sister.

I think I'd be more understanding about it now.

I think there were times that I got mad at Melissa for being so obsessed with a guy. But reading my diary, I don't think I was any different than her!

I just found the address of a mystery dude named Michael Mason. I have no earthly idea who this guy is. He wrote his address in my calendar book. I remember no guy with the name Michael Mason.
This is so weird. 

Maybe someone wrote the address there as a joke. I am utterly confused about this. (8/16/94)

So...even then I was mystified by people I was supposed to remember but didn't.

It is eerily funny. Earlier in my diary, I wrote about a squirrel playing with 2 black birds. Yesterday there was a dead squirrel on the road. 2 blackbirds were trying to eat it. (8/17/94)

It seems the friendship evolved into...something different.

I talked about dreading my class Jewish-Christian polemics. Mom and Dad told me to look the word up in the dictionary. It means controversy and argument. Now I'm pretty excited for the class. (8/17/94)

I don't remember taking that class, but I hope it was as good as I anticipated.

Besides stomachaches, another thing in my diary I've seen a lot but haven't mentioned is, I dreaded returning to school my senior year. I'm not sure why.

I found out Joanne is Effie's friend and she is my roommate. She is very nice. All my roommates are black again, but I think this time it will be better.

I am so uptight and upset though! Joanne is a comforting person though. I need that. At this point I either need people to leave me alone, get the hell out of my way, or be nice and caring towards me. I need someone to be my friend. I don't want phony acquaintance or small talk. (8/18/94)

I think I was just having a lack of social-motivation.

I am so tired but I'm trying to stay up in order to watch The Stand. Doug called me today. I went with Luke and him to the used tape store. (8/20/94)

Jack and I were just talking about stores that sell media, and how they're slowly fading from existence.

Or are they?

The used ones might be doing okay, because people are still needing to get rid of their old stuff.

Oh well. Joanne is leaving for Nashville with Effie and it is 1 AM. I like Joanne so far. I almost locked myself in the bathroom. SCARY. Katina seems nice too. (8/20/94)

I guess Katina was the other new roommate.

It's weird. I don't remember her name at all. I mean seeing it doesn't ring a bell in my brain. But I do have a very vague memory of her. I think she was...sweet, probably.

Well, I don't remember anything negative, at least.

My roommates are very nice. They have more varied interests. It seemed like Stacey and Arenthia didn't enjoy anything too much unless it had to do with black people. (8/21/94)

So, it was okay for me to be into my Jewishness, but it was not okay for my roommates to be into their blackness?

I hate hypocritical attitudes like that.

I am upset right now. Everyone is trying to give me advice or comfort me. I used to like to cry when I was upset so people could comfort me and give me attention. Now I know they just pity me and the next day they will treat me like shit again. (8/22/94)

I don't know what I was referring to there.

I am getting along well with my roommates. Joanne called me into her room and had a long talk with me. She is nice. Katina is too. (8/23/94)

I remember this. It's when Joanne told me she knew I had problems with my past roommates and assured me this year would be better.

I like Gary Sinese and Rob Lowe. They are my new crushes. (8/23/94)

Thanks to The Stand miniseries.

I haven't put up my Israeli calander. For some reason I expect my roommates to hate me as soon as they find out I'm Jewish.

I should put it up. Maybe they will not notice it is Jewish. (8/24/94)

That's a luxury Jews have over black people. We can choose to hide what makes some people prejudice against us.

Well, I suppose black people can hide on the Internet. But in the physical world, they can't.

Not that anyone should need or want to hide. In a perfect world everyone could feel safe and comfortable showing their true selves.

Chris and I talked about making a musical together based on one of my screenplays. (8/25/94)

Oh man. I wish I could reunite with Chris. I'd really love to make a musical.

I ended up telling Joanne I was Jewish. To my surprise, she was really cool about it. She's very nice. (8/26/94)

That's good!

It's funny how having a crush on a guy motivates me so much. I used to think it was a terrible thing to like a guy and go places just because he might be there. But now I see that is what gets me out of my room sometimes. (8/27/94)

I like that.

I'm not sure if I ever thought of that before. But yeah. I think crushes motivate me to be more social.

Life is dull, but not bad. Everyone is leaving me this weekend. But I am not too upset about that. I almost look forward to being alone. I know I'll hate it tremendously when it happens. But now I can sing loud and bond with myself. (8/31/94)

These days I sing loudly even when not home alone.

Brock gave me the I'm-not-obsessed-with-sex-like-other-guys speech. I told him I heard that one a 1000 times. I didn't want to be mean, but I'm sick of that game. (9/2/94)

Yeah. That game is annoying. So is the, I'm-a-nice-guy-why-am-I-always-rejected game.

I had a awesome time tonight. I felt like Patricia Arquette in True Romance. "You're so Cool".  I met these people. One was a girl who worked for animal rights organization. Her husband was a member of a band. He is gorgeous and from England. Then there was a guy Mike who is a sports broadcaster. I thought he was awesome. I pretty much forgot about him, but then when I got home there was a message from him on my machine. And it bugs the shit out of me that I have to go out with Brock tomorrow. (9/3/94)

I remember a sports broadcaster. I'm not sure if that was Mike or not. I don't remember any of the others!

I survived the date with Brock. I barely made it. I tried to be nice, but I think he knew I was not having a great time. I feel bad, but I shouldn't. By being nice, I'm leading him on.

Mike the sports due asked me out. I'm going out with him tomorrow. Now he is cute! I look forward to that. Perhaps because it is doubtful that I'll see him again. So there is no pressure. (9/4/94)

The Mike thing would end up backfiring. He kissed me. I thought he liked me. I developed feelings for him, and then he didn't call again.

I don't remember Brock at all.

I went out with Mike. I like him a whole lot. I think he is the best looking guy I've ever gone out with. (9/5/94)

I am sad because Mike didn't call and he said he would. Oh well. I guess it is just a bunch of disappointments. (9/6/94)

I love many Jewish Chattanooga people. It's too bad I have to leave and never see them again. (9/6/94)

I don't remember many of them individually, but I do remember liking the community. That's something. Right?

Supposidly a girl named Tara is moving in with us. That name sounds so familar. But who is she? I have no idea. (9/6/94)

I thought we already had the full occupancy of 4 in the room. I thought it was Joanne, Katina, Me, and Effie. But I guess not. I guess Effie wasn't living with us. Oops.

I am not devastated about Mike yet. I am trying to avoid that, the poems, the tears, etc. I must be strong about such things. (9/7/94)

Happiness is leaving me. Now I feel worse because I fear that Mike calling me is not just rejection but an omen. I remember now that on Tuesday not only did Mike not call me but Marlyn C. stood me up. Oh what a great way to start New Years. (9/9/94)

I was referring to the Jewish new year—Rosh Hashanah.

I keep praying and praying for Mike to call me. This is becoming so important. I keep waiting for the phone to ring. I don't understand. Is God testing me? What is this game we play? (9/9/94)

It all seems a bit silly and desperate now. But I do remember how hard it was. You go on a date. You might have a little worry and skepticism, but for the most part, you imagine it's the beginning of an exciting, wonderful romance.  You look forward to the first phone call, and it never happens.

I'm starting to worry about Mike. He still has not called. But then I think if he died, I would have heard. On the other hand, he may not have frequent contact with his parents, so they may not know he is missing. (9/10/94)


What do you call that kind of thinking?  It's like a mixture of delusion, fantasy, avoidance, worry, and fear.

I'm sure it does happen, though—that someone's waiting for that phone call; they feel rejected; then it turns out that there was a dreadful tragedy.

I was supposed to go out with Chris and he stood me up. Then I called Luke. He didn't even want to talk to me because he was watching football. Then out of the blue, Joanne enters the apartment with 4 kids. At first I was mad, but then the kids warmed my heart. They're cute and fairly well behaved.

I cooked spaghetti today. 

I asked Jennifer what she is doing tonight. She said me, Austin, and Chris are going to the Sandbar. Does she invite me? No! What the fuck?

The only fun thing of today was Catina, Joanne, and Cicely came into my room and we talked about girl talk sort of stuff. They're funny and nice. I got good roommates, Thank God. Too bad the rest of my life sucks. (9/10/94)

I'm glad I had nice roommates to make up for all that rejection.

Catina, I assume is Katina.  I was probably spelling her name wrong at first; then saw it written out and corrected myself.

Okay. He has still not called. I sent him the letter. Oh well.

The good thing is James wrote me today. He wrote on my computer. Now I might have to go back to liking him. 

 I just realized I asked for my troubles.

I kept thinking I missed that feeling of waiting for some guy to call and wondering if he liked me. What was I thinking? How could I wish that upon myself? I worry about myself sometimes. (9/11/94)

Well, in defense of my wish. It IS fun and wonderful if/when they do call.

I love that I referred to email as "he wrote on my computer".

Now I know why Buddha saw desire as being bad. I want him to call so much that it hurts. I think I may mean this literally because my body has been aching lately. (9/13/94)

Life is easier when I'm not in a want/wishing mode. It's a little more boring, though.

But I'd rather have the boring than the rejection, drama, disappointment, etc.

I called him tonight even though I made a rule not too. (9/16/94)

I think it's usually much better NOT to break such a rule.

I cried today, but only for a little while. I called Mike and he was alive. I know this will sound terrible but I am mad at him for that. I hated his guts a few hours ago, but now I am mellow. I still think of him a lot, but I think things will get better. At least now I know he is a typical male asshole and not a romantic dead hero. (9/17/94)

OR maybe it was good to break the rule. By calling, I helped shut down the delusion and could move on with life.

I think the better, trick, though, is to let go.

If you go on a date with someone and they die, it's sad, but it's really not your problem. If you're meant to know, somehow the news will travel to you.

Evelyn P. called. We talked for a long time. She told me Passha died last summer. I wasn't surprised but I was sad still the same because I hoped for some miracle.

I hope I can go to camp next year. I want to get back in touch with that part of my life.

I WOULD get back in touch with that part of my life...but not via camp.

Note: I forgot to record the date of the last excerpt and that diary is in the garbage dump now. Oops.