Monday, April 9, 2018

My Life in 1991 (Part 3)

More excerpts from my diaries!



These ones are from when I first started college.

Today my family left. I'm not homesick yet, but I started to feel a little rejected. I was exploring the campus and everyone I greeted seemed highly disinterested. 

I did meet a guy named Brian in the bookstore, and I talked to my roommate Edie and her boyfriend Jeff. They're both nice and easy to talk to.  (8/24/91). I would end up not getting along very well with Edie...or any of my other roommates.  I don't remember if there was very strong animosity, or if it was just a subtle feeling of not connecting.  

So far college is pretty cool. I like the independence, freedom with money, TV in my room, etc. Of my roommates, I like Brandi the least. I can tell she is insecure by her way of giving so much. It's like she tries to buy friendship. She came in my room today and offered me a brownie. When I politely refused she seemed offended. (8/25/91). 

 I wish I had been more sympathetic towards Brandi. Shit, I'm sure we were all insecure that first year, and we were all struggling to adjust, meet friends, etc. I imagine Brandi didn't WANT to look offended when I refused the brownie, but sometimes you can't hide your reactions very well.  

I still like Jeremy Irons. I dreamed about him. Oh, I overheard someone saying that there's a freshman from England. Hopefully it's a guy. (8/25/91) There ended up being TWO guys from England.  I ended up having crushes on both of them...of course.

Well, I talked to the guy that I'm interested in who's in my freshman seminar class. His name is David S. Of course if I had my ultimate choice of boyfriends at this time, I'd have to pick Jeremy Irons or some other English dude. (8/29/91).  I remember my crush on David being very intense. But I don't think it lasted long at all. I jumped from guy to guy. 

I saw Robin Hood. Kevin Costner showed his ass which was more impressive than his English accent. (9/1/91)

I visited my family. It was fun. I pity Brandi. I like her in a weird way. It's like she can't help that she's a sadistic bitch. (9/8/91).  I'm not sure why I thought she was so evil....

You'll never guess which roommate I'm tolerating best now. Yea. Edie speaks too much of her problems. I don't blame her. She certainly has big problems. But I had problems today and needed a good ear. 

Sheryl is too perfect. She's a ballerina, a singer, a violinist, and now she's going off to join the Peace Corps. How the hell do you compete with that? (9/10/91). Yeah. It's probably better to just compete with a sadistic bitch instead.

I feel very jipped in life. All my life I've "liked" guys from a distance that have not liked me back. Then for the first time I like a guy who seems to like me. When I start falling in love I realize he probably doesn't like me. I want David so bad I could cry. Why does everyone else get who they want? I feel like I'm being punished for something. (9/12/91).

The word "jipped" reminds me of something my dad would say. I wonder if he uses the word a lot? 
  
David was at the oozeball thing. He was so nice to me. He came up and tickled me and he talked to me and he laughed with me. I love him. I really believe I do. Mom said when you love someone you think of them all the time and you want to spend every second with them. That's how I feel.

(9/14/91).  I think that's how love feels in the very BEGINNING...for a lot of people. I don't think feelings that intense are sustainable.

As for David's behavior. Reading it now. It definitely seems like flirting to me. It's hard to know, though. What's flirting to one person is normal-friendly behavior for another.

I think problems arise from both sides. There's the person who purposely flirts even though he or she doesn't have any true interest. Why do they do this?  Maybe...

They might like that feeling of being adored. They might like proving that they have the ability to attract someone. They might like the side of them that comes out when they're flirtatious.

On the other side, there's the person who over-interprets every interaction.  I probably did this with Han in my middle school years. And...other times. He asked to borrow my pencil! Did he really need a pencil? Or was that an excuse to talk to me?

I think the over-interpreting can be innocent and okay IF it doesn't lead to anger, resentment, punishment, etc.   

College life is weird. I feel like I'm trapped in some weird sitcom or something. I have a whole new set of people in my life.  (9/22/91).  I'm not sure why I thought that was weird. We had moved five times by then. All those different schools, plus camp, extracurricular classes, cruises, etc. You'd think I'd be used to my life having whole new sets of people. 

Today was a terrible day for me. In freshman seminar, I got a real scare when I didn't recognize about 3 people in the class. I got a 72 in biology test, and everyone did better than me. And all my roommates are engaged and Kirsty has 50 guys after her. (9/24/91). 

Kirsty was one of those girls who likes to have many guy friends. She liked male attention.

Actually, I think I was that way too. Well, I wanted to be that way, but never succeeded.

Now the idea doesn't appeal to me at all.  

I am totally messed up with some mystery ailment affecting my body and mind. I am so different from everyone. I could try to explain, but I won't.  (9/25/91).  I wish I had explained. It might help me better understand what's happening with my body/mind these days.

Back to Kirsty. She is the biggest flirt. She has every guy after her, at least 50. At first I thought no big deal. Not all of them can have her. Some will come to me. But no, because they'll just be wishing for her. (9/26/91)

I understand what I was thinking and feeling there. My conclusion sort of made sense. But I think it's wrong.  These 50+ guys might enjoy the flirting, but it's unlikely all will be deeply attracted to her.

OR...actually, maybe that could be the case.

I talked to Scott and he's British but without an accent. Now that's kind of screwed. What's the point of being British if you don't have the accent? That's like eating chocolate with dead tastebuds or swimming laps without burning calories. It's crazy! (9/26/91)

It makes me think about how, through the years, I've had many British and Aussie online friends/acquaintances. And sometimes I think things are greatly diminished by the fact that I'm not hearing their voices. What's the point of knowing people with awesome accents if you're not hearing them talk? 

Wow. I hate it here and I wanna leave. People are prejudice of me and people who comfort me are prejudice too. (9/30/91)

I remember what that was about.  I had been talking to a guy on the phone. He said something I didn't understand. I asked what he said. And then he said something like, Never mind. I'm just being Jewish. I asked what he meant by that, and he said it meant he said something stupid.  

That hurt, but what was worse was that when I tried to vent to so-called friends, they thought it was no big deal. They just laughed it off.  

I think that's the thing about encountering bigotry, harassment, cruelty, etc.  Sometimes the reaction, or lack of reaction, from those you imagine should support you is worse than the original offense.  

I had to tell James I only like him as a friend. I offered to be his friend but he refused. I feel guilty as if it's a racial thing but I don't think it is. I'm just not attracted to him and he's too possessive and will never take no for an answer. That drives me nuts. (10/1/91)

It's probably somewhat racist to worry that your rejection of someone is due to their race.  

Or maybe not. I don't know. Is it racist to worry about being racist? Or maybe racist is the wrong word. Maybe it's just prejudice...subconscious bias.

If James had been white, I would have probably felt less conflicted about rejecting him. Or...if I had been attracted to another guy who happened to be black. Then I could say, well it's not about James being black, because I'm attracted to this other guy.

By the way, it probably was NOT about James being black. It probably was about him acting possessive and controlling. I've never been a big fan of that.  

Brandi is puking her guts out. (10/3/91). I'm thinking my vomit phobia must have been so mild back then. I'd be so horrified now to have someone vomiting in the toilet that I later have to use 

I am so confusing tonight. I sat with a bunch of guys and some of the time they talked about disgusting things. I complained to myself about their crudeness. But then I remembered how it is worse when people say, "Oh we shouldn't say that in front of her." (10/4/91)

If I remembered what they said, I could have used it as a me-too story. The thing is, I probably don't remember what was said because it bothered me much less than the stuff that wouldn't be traditionally included in me-too lists.  

I think basically that story, though, represents the general feeling of having to put up with stuff that makes you uncomfortable. Because if you don't, there's the risk of being excluded.  I imagine most people have been through that. Also, I imagine most people have been the cause of other people feeling that way. I bet I have, unfortunately.  

I think John likes me. He came by and visited me and it just seems that way. Oh, life is strange. I like him a whole lot. I like Nick, though, too and a week ago from this second I was madly in love with David. Now I despise him. (10/6/91)

It had ended up that David had a girlfriend...elsewhere. Was he bored without the girlfriend and keeping himself entertained with flirting? Did he have the mindset, well, I'm not going to cheat on her, but flirting is okay. Right?  Or was he just friendly towards me in the way he personally was typically friendly, and I misinterpreted the behavior?

Brandi got pissed at me today because I had to use the phone. But she has done the same to me before. Plus she has locked the phone in her room many times. (10/14/91).

I feel like I'm reading something from another planet. Four roommates sharing a phone and not having one they carry around with them everywhere. SO WEIRD.....  

I have to change. I've become too social and believe me this is not good. I have nothing left for me. I am just interaction. I have nothing inside. I hardly dream. I don't fucking day dream. (10/15/91)

I agree with my past self here.  The old diaries were full of passion for fighting Cystic Fibrosis, watching movies, dreams, what was happening on my soap operas, writing novels, writing screenplays, hating on my family, etc.  These college entries? It's just one crush after another.

What is the best advice I have ever given myself? Don't trust anybody. (10/17/91)

I'm not sure that's the best advice, but I still completely agree with it.

Today was a great day because I am back to liking a bunch of people. The top guy on my list now-a-days is a gorgeous English dude named Jesse. He is so nice and so gorgeous. I hope he doesn't have a girlfriend. (10/21/91)

He did have a girlfriend.

About eight years later, I was walking home from the subway station in New York. I heard a British person calling out to me.  I assumed he was going to ask about shampoo. Why? I can't remember exactly.  I guess British people were being used  to solicit hair-related business.

But no. It ended up being Jesse. He was living in NYC too.  

I am simply dying to go out with Jesse. He is so cute. He gave me a grape today and he touched my nose. See when you're in "love" shitty little things can make you happy.  (10/26/91)

I'm still left wondering about all this behavior. From what I'm reading in the diary, a lot of these guys had girlfriends, but still acted in a way that was somewhat flirtatious.  Did they have some feelings for me, but kept things at a level that wouldn't be labeled as cheating? Or were they just playing games?

Lately guys have been asking me out when I first meet them and I can't stand that. 2 guys have asked me to come up to their apartment with them right when I meet them.  (10/29/91).

Yeah. I think I actually prefer the guys, with girlfriends, who give mixed messages.

Well, I was thinking about Nick and how many good memories I already have of him. Like hitting him with a golf ball and how he visited me in the laundry room and when he asked me not to leave the balcony and that he'd defend me against Rolando if I was offended; that he'd be my knight in shining armor. (10/31/91)

Oh yes! All my memories of hitting people with golf balls! They are my happiest memories.  I've started a photo album to record all these fabulous golf-ball moments. It used to be that I did it on accident, but now I do it on purpose. Because I need to fill all those album pages!! Nick's smiling face is on the cover of the album....since he was my first.

Yeah.

Nick was another guy with a girlfriend back home.  

Really. I'm starting to think that all colleges should have a rule: All students must break up with their girlfriends and boyfriends before starting school here.

You know back then I felt bad for myself for not having a boyfriend. But now looking back, I feel I was lucky to enter the college experience unattached. I feel  worse for all these people (and according to my diary, it seemed to be like 99% of students) who had relationships.  I think part of the fun of college is finding love, or at least trying to find it.