Saturday, April 28, 2018

My Life in 1994 (Part 12)

More excerpts from my 1990's diaries.

Now I'm in November of my senior year of college.



All my friends came over and surprised me with a birthday cake. It was super nice, but it didn't make me super happy. It did keep me from crying, though. (11/22/94)

Sometimes there's nothing we can do to make someone happy. But there are things we can do to prevent them from being even more unhappy.

I need to find out about why I have my problem. I do have major sexual problems. I feel when a guy is touching me, he is exploiting me not loving me. (11/22/94)

I think I had this problem because a lot of men ARE exploiting women rather than loving them.

Matthew drove me to the airport. For a second, I considered liking him, but then he started annoying me. I feel too comfortable around him. I put my make-up on in front of him and my deodorant.  I hardly do that even in front of girls. He is like a brother. (11/23/94)

Or...like a husband you've been married to for many years.

Today for Thanksgiving we ate at Mimi's. I hardly talked to Grandma and Grandpa. The only time...never mind. I was very popular with Arthur and Stephanie. Arthur proposed to me and Stephanie cried because she couldn't sit with me. (11/24/94)

Sometimes it feels so nice to be adored by young children.

I wonder why I didn't talk to my grandparents. Was there a problem? Or was it just a matter of them being at the other side of the table...or something like that?

Another neat thing is we called Evan and we might see him and Darren Saturday. (11/24/94)

Those were two of the guys from our beloved cruise.

Dawn and I got in a fight but we handled it pretty well. I didn't cry. I haven't cried for over 24 hours, so I am proud.  (11/25/94)

I was crying a lot that month. I'm not sure if that was due to hormones or Hayden.  If it was Hayden related, I don't think Hayden was the full cause. It was probably more like a build up of all the relationship/romance drama I had endured throughout college.

Today was one of the weirdest days of my life. We saw Darren and Evan and it was so weird. Darren looked and acted exactly the same. He was still constantly searching for ways to put chemicals in his body. Evan looked a little different but he acted the same. On the cruise, we left him in a bad mood. And now we came back to him in a bad mood. It was all so weird. 

Once when we went into a store and they played Go West. That was the first time since the cruise that I heard that song played in a public place. Also, in another store, Melissa heard them playing her dance song with Darren. It was too weird. (11/26/94)

Did I stress enough that the day was weird?

I don't remember Evan's bad mood—on the cruise or the meet-up. And I'm not sure why that would be weird.

I do think the song thing is wonderfully weird. It's stuff like that which makes me feel there is more to this universe that can be explained by science. It makes me believe in spiritual stuff.

"Go West" was my song from the cruise. I heard it, loved it, and then spent weeks trying to find it. So it's really cool that, on the day we had a reunion with our cruise friends, I heard the song playing.  I mean, if it was a popular song that was often played in stores, that would be a different story. But it wasn't, so....

I love stuff like that.

I don't feel hurt by Hayden right now, just angry and mildly amused. I want revenge. My mom thinks it is because I still like him. I think it is because I am sick of guys getting away with such crap. My one plan is to ask about Theresa when I see him, preferably in a group. The best situation is if he is trying to flirt with some girls. I need to play dumb, though. It needs to look like I really believe they have a relationship. But I sort of want him to suspect me. I want him to fear me. He is shit. (11/29/94)

I fear me a bit. That's very conniving. My plan wasn't diabolical, but if I was actually making plans...yikes.

I think basically what I wanted is to thwart Hayden's flirting by letting his targets know he already had a girlfriend.

Well...now that I think of it.

Maybe I'm not ashamed of my past self.

Maybe I'm kind of impressed.

It's not a bad plan.

It wouldn't cause anyone great harm—physically or emotionally. And it would help to protect another girl from being used by Hayden the way I had been used.

I guess the problem I had when I read that is I often want to see myself as being sweet, kind, innocent, etc.  But I have to face the fact that I DO have a wicked streak.

Sometimes a wicked streak is good...especially when you're living in a world where men have the power and most of them are assholes.