Sunday, April 29, 2018

My Life in 1994 (part 13)

My 1990's life continues.....

I just wanted to take this moment to note that these posts are about as real as reality TV.

It's distorted. 

A) My diaries tell only my side of the story.  

B)My younger self didn't write down every feeling, thought, event, etc.

C) My current self is choosing what excerpts to include here.   

Anyway...on with the show (which no one is probably watching)

I went out to dinner with Luke and Charles. I am a tiny bit interested in Charles, but not too much. (12/1/94)

Not too much....yet.

If I remember correctly, Charles was the president of ACE (Association of Campus Entertainment). I think I became attracted to his power. 

I saw a terrible movie tonight. It was called The Professional. I saw it with Luke, Matthew, and Ryan. The four of us and Hagit hung out together at temple. It was fun, but we saw a guy barf into his cup and drink it again. He was so calm about it. It was terrible. (12/2/94)

Well, THAT is something I've blocked out of my memory. Yikes. Was it someone at the temple who did that? 

Luke mentioned something about Charles liking me. Then he said he was kidding and changed the subject. I kind of am interested in him. (12/2/94)

Knowing how things turned out, I'm guessing that Luke was actually not kidding.

I am in another waiting for a guy to call situation. I hate this so much. He might have called though because my roommate said someone called and did not leave a nameBut still, he could have left a name. (12/3/94)

I'm wondering why I said roommate instead of the name of my roommate. Is there some kind of deep psychological reasoning behind that?

I think I am really starting to like Charles a lot. I don't know why. I think mostly because he is such a good listener. In that way, he reminds me of David. He seems very interested in me, not just to own as a girlfriend, but interested to know about me. (12/5/94)

This is still a trait that I treasure. 

I don't just want people in my life who have good listening and conversational skills. Though I prefer that to conversational narcissists! But I want people who find me fascinating. I want people that ask me questions that they truly want the answers to. I want people that want to read my blog, want to read my novels, and want to know as much about me as possible.  I guess part of that can be vain, selfish, etc. Maybe. But another part of me just likes people who are curious in general. And I guess I feel that if you have a strong relationship with someone, that person should be one of the things that sparks your curiosity.  

That being said...things ended up not working out with Charles. I think one of the reasons is he was maybe a bit TOO interested in certain things about me.  

Today was okay, but pretty lonely. I was alone all day studying. (12/6/94)

Final exams time.

Sometimes he acts as if just by kissing me that it means we are having a serious relationship. He seems to eager to tell the world we are dating. And me. I am afraid. I feel I have no control and that any day may be the last he calls. So far, this has lasted 3 days. I hope it lasts at least until I go home so I don't come home heartbroken like last year. (12/6/94)

I think, because of Mike #2 and Hayden, I was weary about getting my hopes up and becoming attached to anyone. 

I love Luke. Charles is cool too. (12/7/94)

I wish I was still friends with Luke.

Besides these diaries, I've also been reading my bag full of college letters. Snail mail! It makes me miss everyone, and I regret not keeping in touch.

Though now I'm thinking, which would be worse A) not keeping in touch at all B) keeping touch only via likes/favorites on social media apps.

I think I prefer where I'm at now.  

I realize that I love having relationships with NEW people through only social media. For example. I kind of love some of the people I follow on Flickr, though all I know about them is through their photos. I feel a connection to them. I think that's great. The same goes for Twitter, Instagram, etc.

What I HATE is when you have IRL friends, relatives, etc. and the relationship has been reduced to brief and infrequent social media interactions.  That, to me, is depressing.

So...going back to what I said about wanting my loved ones to be interested in me. I guess...I'd want them to to want to know about me, but they'd also have to want to interact with me. 

I don't know how to feel. I keep worrying that Charles will stop liking me, but it has to stop. Otherwise it will be me who stops liking him. I'll won't be able to handle the stress. 

I think he is nice, but too therapeutic. He thinks he is my psychologist and physical therapist. He always wants to help me. I think it is nice, but sometimes I want to scream, I am a person, not a patient! (12/10/94)

I wonder if Charles could be the type of person who ends up being controlling and abusive. 

But anyway, that's what I meant earlier about him being a bit TOO interested. 

Somewhere between not-caring and caring too much is a healthy, tolerable balance.  

I don't like Tim's low level of concern regarding my health and safety. But I also wouldn't want someone who seemed obsessed with it.  

Today, no tonight, Charles called and I made an effort not to whine. Instead, when he insulted me, I just joked back, and in a way, I think it bothered him.

I think Charles, in a way, is like the guy in When a Man Loves a Woman. He wants me to be helpless and troubled. But I will try hard not to be that way. (12/11/94)

I wonder what was the nature of the insults. 

But yeah. The more I read, the more he seems like someone who could be a controlling-abuser. further down. Here's one insult.

Tonight he said, "I like to play hard to get sometimes."

I said, "Me too".

And he said, "Do you even know how to play hard to get?"

What is that supposed to mean? (12/11/94)

Yeah. What is that supposed to me? I still want to know!

Maybe...that I would act too desperate?

I don't think there's anything awful in that insult. But I can imagine, if remarks like that were frequent, it would not be good.  

I don't feel very good. I have been so tired all day. I had lucid dreams this morning and that was good.

Today I talked to Luke and Jenny on the phone. I'm so worried that I'll start abandoning friends. (12/12/94)

That isn't the first time I've seen myself mentioning a fear of abandoning friends because of Charles.

I'm not sure why I had that worry.

Did I usually have it when starting a relationship?  I remember reading something when I first started dating a Matt in my freshman year.  I'm not sure if it happened other times.

Was there something in Charles' personality that gave me that fear? This would go well with my theory of him maybe being the abusive-type.

Or...Did I simply not want yet another change in my social life?  I had already gone through so many social group changes. I might have simply wanted some stability.  

I like that Matthew comes to temple because it gives me someone to joke with. He annoys me sometimes. Everyone annoys me sometimes. (12/12/94)

It's very nice to have someone to joke with.

Today I took a nap from 10-3. It was pretty nice. I had interesting dreams. (12/13/94)

WTF!  I pretty much slept all day.  Did I not sleep the night before?

These days, my naps are more like 20 minutes.

I think I am falling in love with Charles, but I'm not sure. I think in some ways he likes me because I am not the kind of girl he usually chooses. Then I think one of the reasons I like him is because he is so the norm. (some stuff here I can't read). His favorite show is Melrose Place. He loves Christmas. And he likes top 40 music. His taste in music just cracks me up. (12/14/94)

I can't imagine I truly liked Charles because he was in the norm. I think it was more a case of liking him DESPITE him being in the norm.

I had fun shopping today.  I dread going to the doctor tomorrow. I don't like her much. I think she is really bitchy, and last time I had such a bad experience there. (12/15/94)

I don't often like doctors.

Wednesday I have an appointment with our new doctor. I'm expecting to not like this doctor as well.

I went to the doctor and she said something that Charles probably won't like too much. She said there is really nothing I can do about my back. (12/16/94)

My kyphosis was one of the things that Charles wanted to fix.

I do actually remember that appointment. The doctor said something along the lines of you can't get a new back, but maybe you should get a new boyfriend.  Though I don't usually like doctors and I also didn't adore that particular doctor; I DO appreciate what she said there.