Thursday, May 17, 2018

My Life in 1995 (part 7)

More excerpts from my 1995 diary.

I'm onto the part of my life where I had just finished college.



Today I had a job interview with the zoo. I might work in the petting zoo. 

Last night I talked to Tim. He left this really long message on the answering machine. 

Melissa and Dawn thought he sounded nice. (5/9/95)

And when they met Tim, Melissa and Dawn grew to love him. They are two of the many women that Tim has charmed with his magical Tim powers.

At dinner we all laughed a lot because Melissa kept singing this weird phase, "Oh a biscuit". Melissa has been practicing her monologue all day.  (5/9/95)

I think this was the time that Melissa was the star of her school play.

I wonder if "Oh a biscuit" was something they used in drama class.

Well, I just Googled "Oh a Biscuit" to see if it was some kind of acting acting. I didn't find anything.

Maybe she just made it up. She IS very creative.

I went to the grocery store with my mom. We also ate lunch. I am in need of a Mother's Day Present. (5/11/95).

I like reading about times I did stuff with my mom.

I talked to Tim for more than 2 hours, and now I think my parents will kill me. I hope I get a job soon. (5/11/95)

Those were the days where long distance relationships were highly monetized.

I can't wait to see Tim. Melissa and I laid out all day and we got very sunburned. (5/13/95)

I wonder why I laid out like that. I'm not often a lay-in-the-sun kind of person. Was I trying to get tanned for Tim?

I was kind of expecting my diary to tell the story of how I ended up deciding to visit Tim in New York. But I'm not seeing it. Fortunately, I have some memories.

Our family friends were having a wedding near NYC, and this gave me an excuse to go visit that guy from camp I now had a crush on. Otherwise, it would seem a bit full on. You know....

But then for some reason, my parents canceled the wedding plans. That was very disappointing. I no longer had a reasonable excuse to visit Tim. Somehow I convinced them to let me go anyway. And somehow I made plans to visit Tim without seeming like a total stalker.  I'm not sure how I managed that.

I think my dad is drunk. Well, at least he is acting weird. He is always seeming to put on an act. (5/13/95)

Yeah. I still see this in my dad a lot.  It's like he's on stage even though he's not on stage.

I haven't gotten in a fight with anyone in my family yet, but that is not saying much because I've been only home for a week. (5/15/95)

The grammar there is messed up. It sounds like I hadn't left the house in a week. If that was the case, I think there probably WOULD be fighting.

It is 2:42 in the morning, and I'm listening to music. I put new pictures on my bulletin board. Ran across many old faces. It is memory lane now. (5/18/95)

While traveling down memory lane, I'm reading about past journeys down memory lane.

We saw Dichard. It is a great movie. My mom didn't like it. She called it unrealistic. These days whenever my parents don't like a movie they call it unrealistic. (5/19/95)

I have no idea what movie I was talking about there. I'm guessing I misspelled it. I Googled similar words and couldn't find anything.

Maybe if I look in May 1995 film releases?

No...didn't find anything.

I looked in April as well.

It could have been something we rented?

I just realized I am going to NY on the anniversary of Dawn's accident. May 26. I think this is the 5 year anniversary.  (5/21/95)

I think Dawn would have been mad if she knew I had forgotten. Knowing myself...if I was her, I'd be offended as well.

Well...at least I remembered eventually.

I really like Tim a lot. I talked to him on the phone for 2 hours last night. He is just so nice and funny. I feel a strong connection to him. 

The funniest thing is I said I'd never date anyone again. 

I guess even I break promises to my own self. (5/21/95)

Was this my way of complaining that people break promises they've made to me, and I was joining them in that game?  Or did I mean, lots of people break promises to themselves, and now I'm one of them as well.

Grandma is doing better, but people think she won't make it through the summer. (5/24/95)

She DID make it through the summer, but she died a year or two after that. I often forget if she died in 1996 or 1997.

I'll go check.

Okay.

She died on May 5, 1997.  So it was close to two years later.

Work was fun. I think my new friend is Elliot the cat. He stayed in the room with me a lot. He is a nice animal. After work I went to the zoo and visited the apes. The orangutan was leaning against the glass. It was special because I've never been that close to an orangutan. He was very cute. 

I was kind of jealous because he was giving this little girl all the attention. I wanted him to give me attention. Oh well. You can't have everything. (5/24/95)

I had gotten the job at the zoo.

Reading the above makes me kind of wish I had given up (at least temporarily) on writing and film and pursued a career in animals instead.

Maybe I could have been a zookeeper.

On the other hand, I'm quite satisfied having Annie and our new cat, Yeti.

There have been many times where we've said no more pets. We're going to give ourselves more freedom to travel. But...I think I'm realizing I need animals in my life. And not just animals I observe from the window or in the backyard. Those experiences are lovely. But I think I also need animals that are my best friends.

I am in love with Tim and he's in love with me. I think he will be the man I end up marrying and he thinks so too. (5/29/95)

Well...I guess a lot happened on that one weekend.

Did we really talk about marriage so soon?

I think he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just hope things work out because things seem to good to be true. I love him so much. 

It is pretty funny. This weekend has really changed my life and now I am so happy. (5/29/95)

I think back then I relied way too much on life events for happiness and sadness.

I'm sure if Tim hadn't returned my romantic feelings, I would have come home depressed and suicidal.

I think the best mental health advice comes from the poem by Rudyard Kipling: If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same.

And, of course, I'm not criticizing a young woman for being happy about finding love. Who wouldn't be happy in that case?

I just know, from reading my diaries, and seeing my track record...it was too easy for me to ride those ups and downs.

In New York, we hung out and went shopping and did fun things. It was one of the best and happiest times of my life. I hope it stays happy. I really do. (5/29/95)

It stayed PARTLY happy. But since I live in real life and not a fairy tale, there's also been sadness, anger, disappointment, etc

I really am in love with Tim. He wrote me 3 very sweet letters tonight. He is so special to me. I hope I spend my life with him because he is so nice.  Tim told me about really awful things in his childhood and he is so strong. It makes me realize that no matter how bad your life was, you can't use it as an excuse to be a bad person. Tim is very inspirational to me. He is great and wonderful. (6/2/95)

I wonder if I told him about the negative things that happened to me in my childhood. And if I did, how did he respond? And what was he thinking and feeling?  Was it along the lines of, well, that's nothing compared to what I've been through?  Or was he as touched by, and interested in,  my life story as much as I had been by his?

The thing is, the inspiration I once felt gradually morphed into resentment. A feeling developed of Tim being the star of our story, and I have often felt like a supporting character. Often it seems like my problems, aspirations, and backstory matter less than his.

Some of those feelings come from my own self-esteem issues. But I won't give myself all the credit. I believe a lot of it comes from things Tim has said, done, not said, and not done.

There is no way to please my mother and my father will always take credit for what I do and who I am. That is their nature. I can't change them. I can only work on myself. My mother is displeased with everything and she keeps sticking up for Matthew. That is because he is like Dad. 

I need to realize this is my life and to do things on my own, because I can't do things to please my parents. They can never be pleased. (6/8/95)

That IS so not true! They were very pleased when I developed an eating disorder and lost tons of weight.

Okay, and they've also been pleased at other times.

They're very pleased that I brought Tim into the family.

They're pleased I gave them a grandchild.

They were very pleased when I made family videos, and that was wonderful. I felt I was contributing something important to the family. But then, a few years later, they turned around and gave the filmmaker role to Tim.

I'm trying to think of other times that I've been able to please or impress them.

Singing! My mom is very nice about my singing. I like that. Also my mom has given me nice compliments on how I interact with the children in the family. That was very sweet of her.

My dad once gave me really nice compliments on a screenplay I had written. Or was it a novel?  Maybe both?

This summer, my dad acted pleased that I had unloaded the dishwasher. I think he was working on being more appreciative of other people doing chores. It was nice of him to be thankful.  But it was kind of a mess on that occasion, because it ended up that there was confusion over whether those dishes had been clean or dirty.

Lately I feel a yuckiness in my heart and I feel weird. (6/6/95)

I wonder if it's related to the weird feelings I get today.

Usually, they ARE yucky feelings.  Yesterday, though, I had one that wasn't bad,  I felt this pressure in my head, but it felt kind of cool instead of awful.  Maybe it felt like being on drugs?

Last night Tim called and said he might come to Chicago. I love him so much.  He is the best guy I have ever met. (6/8/95)

We were visiting family and having a graduation party for my cousins and me.

I am so happy because Tim is definitely coming to Chicago. That is the nicest thing a guy has ever done for me. (6/11/95)

Yes. It was very nice!

I really love Tim, but sometimes I worry he is too great and he is not a gift from God, but a cruel trick where something too perfect is snatched away from me. But I know I must stop thinking that way. (6/22/95)

I can't blame myself for that skepticism. It's hard to have faith in love when you've had negative prior experiences. And what person hasn't? It's a miracle that any of us have faith in love.

Sometimes I feel so detached from my life. It is like I am watching one of those movies where I don't feel like I am part of it. It is strange. 

I am waiting for Tim to call.

We have been dating for a month now.

I love him.

Sometimes I am scared because I am growing up and there are so many changes. 

In the movie yesterday they said people are afraid of change but they shouldn't be because they should find comfort in knowing that the one thing that will always be guaranteed is that there will be change. Nothing stays the same. (7/1/95)

It's like that song from Avenue Q—"For Now".

There HAVE been lots of changes.

I no longer see Tim through rose-colored glasses.

I no longer work at the zoo.

I AM back to living in the same house, though!  Sometimes change involves going back to where you started.