Monday, September 24, 2018

The Flowery Journal My Sister Gave Me (part 23)

More journal stuff.

The blue is what was printed in the book. The green is how I answered the questions/prompts.

Being out in the world brought new feelings and thoughts-A feeling of anger about constantly being screwed by companies, corporations, etc.

I'm lost.

I'm not sure what I was referring to there.

Yeah. Corporations have a lot of evil within them. I've been aware of that for a long time. But was I speaking about something specific? Something personal?

I guess it depends on when I filled this page out. If it was after Jack was born...I did start to become passionately against infant formula companies.

Before that?

Did I have any passionate anger at a particular corporation?

How I saw myself among other women-I usually feel uncomfortable around women, but now because of the teaching career, I am starting to have more women friends.

( was before Jack was born)

I used to be one of those people who kind of took pride in the fact that I got along better with men than women.


I'm not actually sure I got along that much better with men.

Now I'm thinking the men over women thing really only applied to college.

Before that, I was shy with guys. Most of my friends were girls.

In college, I was a bit boy crazy.

Social reality aside, I think I longed to be the Smurfette of a group. I liked the idea of being the only girl among a bunch of guys...who adore me.

I'm over that now.

How I felt about men-Because of this teaching career, my contact with men is limited. I talk to men on the Internet.

I wonder where I talked to them at that point? AOL chatrooms, probably. And message boards.

What held me together-My boyfriend.


You need to hold YOURSELF together.

Do not rely on a man to hold you together.

Holy shit. No. No. No. No!

If you can't rely on yourself to hold yourself together, for Pete's sake...get a cat or something.

And what tore me apart-Career confusion. Worry about money.

Money worries really suck.

My greatest strengths-Sense of humor, ability to be silly, good with children, open-minded.

I guess I'd still agree with those things.

But I think my favorite thing is the imagination of my subconscious. If there's one thing about me that impresses's my dreams.

My biggest vulnerabilities-Moody, bad temper, indecisive.

I wonder how moody I am.

I have come to know someone who has major ups and downs...sometimes within a day. They can go from super cheerful to sullen within a few hours.

I'm not sure I'm like that.

I feel my moods are more stable...though that's not saying that the stable mood is a good mood.

Then again....

Maybe not.

Maybe I do have unstable moods.

I have waves of feelings throughout the day. There are moments where I'm content, hopeful, excited, etc. Then there are other moments where I'm worried, depressed, hopeless, etc.

Does my behavior and demeanor reflect this?

I guess I can't answer that question.

I think it's the kind of question that other people have to answer for you.

What I was most afraid of-Losing Tim. Death.

I wonder if I was more scared of losing Tim through death or from other causes. How secure did I feel in our relationship?

I don't remember having many doubts about him staying with me. I think I had more doubts about him staying with me for the wrong reasons.  Or did that not come until later?

I'm still afraid of death—not my own, really, at this point. And I'm probably as often comforted by death.

It's amazing to me that we all get to drop out of the game someday.  Personally I wouldn't want to be the one to take myself out of the game. Why should I make the effort when it's guaranteed to someday happen for me without that effort?