Saturday, January 5, 2019

Edited to Add: Then Delete

A few people might have noticed that I wrote a new post the other day.

And now it's gone.

Writing the post made me uncomfortable. I mean literally. I had anxiety symptoms. My stomach had a tremor! Does that happen to anyone else?  It was weird.

And for the rest of the night, after writing the post, I felt that feeling we feel after major (too much) physical exertion. You know that feeling you have before your body calms itself down? I personally hate that feeling, but fortunately it usually lasts only a minute or two. Well, that is when it's due to exercise! Like running to the bus stop when we're at Disney World.

When it's due to anxiety or another mysterious, random reason, it lasts longer.

The night I wrote the post, I couldn't get rid of the feeling. I had it until I went to bed that night.

I get anxiety symptoms a lot when I write about family issues on my blog. I'm sure part of it is the worry and fear that my family will read what I wrote, and I dread their reaction.  I think another thing is just remembering the stuff makes me feel angry and anxious.

Anyway....

In the middle of the night last night, I realized I was probably very wrong about something I wrote.  

I got out of bed and re-edited the post. I put a little amendment. In bright red.

Then later I decided that wasn't enough and deleted the post.

In the morning I woke up and had an uneasiness about the deletion.  

Sometimes I just can't win with myself!

I'm not going to rewrite the post.

But in case, someone or more than one person, read the post I wanted to leave things a little less mysterious for them. It probably doesn't even matter to them. But it kind of matters to me.

So, I'll just say...if you read what I wrote and remember it, my mistake was with the video. I shouldn't have felt left out, BECAUSE I was not the only one left out. 

It's kind of like playing musical chairs. You really don't need to feel too hurt about being kicked out of the game, because other people are going to be kicked out as well. It would be much worse if you were the only one kicked out, and everyone else got to keep playing.  

And....

I 100% still stand by everything I said about the estrangement and gaslighting. Though I guess maybe I had regrets writing all that as well. A few hours after I had posted that post, I saw advice on Instagram. It pretty much said don't use so much of your energy trying to clear up lies that your narcissist has said about you.  

I probably have mixed feelings about that. Sometimes we need to and should speak our truth.

Other times, we're wasting our breath.  

That's not to say what I wrote in the deleted post was a waste of breath. 

I'm not sure.

I do know that the things my narcissist said to me got under my skin.  So when I wrote that post with the evidence showing he was wrong, was I trying to argue my point for a bunch of strangers reading my blog? OR was I trying to prove things to myself?  

You know what....

I'm not going to beat myself up for letting my narcissist get under my skin.  

And I think I might sometimes need to go over what he says to me and write lists (either in my head, on my phone, or my laptop) about why he's wrong. That might clear things up for me a bit. It might be therapeutic?  But I don't necessarily need to make it public.