1. Had dreams related to Australia and Australian stuff.
I dreamed about Pilot from Farscape; though now I don't remember anything about it. It's a complete blur inside my head.
There was a dream about Koalas. People are working on some kind of koala project. I expect them to expect me to know nothing about koalas. I feel compelled to surprise and amaze them with something I know. I bring up the fact that koalas are divided into two types.
I don't remember the project people being amazed or even interested. They probably just saw me as an annoying show off.
Then there was a dream where, I'm looking at photos and information about a place in Kakadu Park. Someone (probably my mom) is pressuring me to go there next time we visit Australia. It does sound enticing to me, but I feel conflicted. I had planned to use my special points system to choose where we go in Australia.
2. Thought that the Kakadu dream was inspired by the fact that someone recently was heavily promoting the Great Barrier Reef to me.
I'm not sure why my brain switched it to Kakadu.
3. Thought I should re-explain my point system.
What it is, is every time I get a desire or interest in a place, I add it to the list. If it's already on the list, I add points to the place.
I also add points to places if I see that someone from there has spent a lot of time on my blog.I feel very grateful to people who spend a lot of time on my blog. I guess it makes me feel more love towards their town.
4. Looked at what I have on my list so far.
It's kind of confusing, because I'm a bit unorganized.
My rule so far has been that I don't count a place until I've given it a point. Being listed is not enough. Once it has a point by it's name, that means I've been interested in the place at least twice.
I'm not sure if that's a good rule or not.
But so far, this is what I have:
Northern Queensland/Great Barrier Reef area has five points total.
Brisbane-Gold Coast type area has eight points.
Northwestern Queensland has three points.
South Australia has fourteen points.
Tasmania has nine points.
New South Wales has nineteen points.
Victoria has thirteen points.
Darwin has five. That trip would include Kakadu park.
Western Australia has five.
Central Australia has one.
5. Started watching an episode of Home and Away.
And then finished watching it.
6. Started watching the movie The Hunter.
I think I read the book.
I can't remember for sure.
I do know that I read another book by the same author (Julia Leigh)—Disquiet.
I'm pretty sure I read The Hunter as well.
I know what it's about—the search for Tasmanian tigers. Though I could have gotten that from reading a description of the book.
7. Decided to check my Goodreads shelf. If it's on the shelf, I read it.
8. Found the book.
So, I did read it.
It says I read it April 13, 2014.
I don't think that's true. I'm pretty sure that's the date I transferred my Shelfari books to Goodreads.
There's a lot of books on my shelf with that date.
9. Saw Finn Woodlock's name in the credits.
Isn't he the guy from American Horror Story? Or am I thinking of something else?
10. Saw that Finn Woodlock is NOT from American Horror Story.
11. Saw that the actor I'm thinking of is Finn Wittrock.
Okay. You can't blame me there. Those names ARE pretty similar.
12. Saw that the little girl in the movie is the same one from The Tree.
13. Hoped I like this movie better than I liked the tree The Tree.
14. Saw that the name of the young actress is Morgana Davies.
She was in The Tree in 2010, and The Hunter in 2011. In 2014, she was in the miniseries The Devil's Playground.
15. Saw an actor in The Hunter that looks very familar.
I know I'm going to be annoyed with myself when I find his name on IMDb—annoyed that I wasn't able to figure out his identity without help.
16. Looked at the cast list for The Hunter.
I think the guy I saw was Sullivan Stapleton.
Other people in the cast familiar to me: Dan Wylie!, Callan Mulvey, Jacek Korman, Sam Neil, and Dan Spielman.
I already saw Callan Mulvey for a very brief moment.
I also saw Korman, but wasn't sure who he was. He just looked vaguely familiar.
17. Looked at Frances O'Connor's filmography. She's one of the stars of The Hunter.
She seems familiar to me.
She was in AI, and I feel like I've looked at that fact before. But I don't see anything else in her filmography that I've watched lately.
18, Wondered if O'Connor is married to someone I've looked at before, and that's why she seems familar to me.
19. Saw that Frances O'Connor is married to Gerald Lepkowski. He doesn't seem familiar to me.
20. Took a closer look at Frances O'Connor's filmography and finally found a movie, of hers I've seen.
It was Love and Other Catastrophes—the movie with Radha Mitchell and Matt Day.
21. Felt glad that I figured that out.
22. Thought that The Hunter makes Tasmania seem a bit scary.
There's a lot of wilderness where you could get lost.
23. Wondered what percentage of Tasmania is wilderness.
24. Googled.
Lord Wiki says that the Tasmanian Wilderness World Heritage Area takes up around 20% of Tasmania. But I'm not sure if there's Tasmanian Wilderness that's not included in the Tasmanian Wilderness World Heritage Area.
Maybe not?
25. Got an idea from this map, on the Tasmanian Parks and Wildlife site, that the Heritage area includes all wilderness areas in Tasmania.
No....
Never mind.
I guess I was looking at the wrong map at first.
The Heritage area is kind of in the center.
26. Saw why I got confused.
The map is a...something?
I don't know the term, but it's kind of like a slideshow. It's generalized at first; then evolves into something with more detail.
27. Found this other website.
It says that various wilderness areas make up 40% of Tasmania, and that trees cover up closer to half of the state.
Wow.
28. Remembered seeing The Blair Witch Project, and being amazed that there were places in the world where people could actually get lost in a forest.
I think we were living in Manhattan at the time, so the idea of a wilderness seemed kind of magical.
That being said, I think there were a few times I sort of got lost in Central Park.
29. Saw scene, in the film, involving a lot of grief.
I remember Julia Leigh's other book, The Disquiet, also deals with grief.
The Hunter deals with a woman who has lost her husband. He's gone missing in the wilderness. The Disquiet has a mother who lost her baby. If I remember correctly, it was stillborn.
30. Finished watching The Hunter for today.
I'll watch more of it tomorrow, probably.
So far, I think it's okay.
It's quite slow. I'm glad I'm not seeing it in a theater. It's better at home, because I can play QuizUp while I watch.
31. Read more of Paul Kelly's book, Triumph and Demise. I'm still on the sample. I haven't been reading much these past few days.
Paul Kelly talks about how the 2010 Prime Minister change messed up the careers of both Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard.
Kevin Rudd lost the Prime Minister role, but then Julia Gillard's Prime Ministership was tarnished by how she got the job...the whole backstabbing thing.
The general idea that Kelly presents is that the Labor Party would have been better off if Gillard had waited until Rudd handed her the job. Or whatever. I'm not sure how that goes.
I guess there comes a time when a leader wants to retire?
Do they ever? I'm not sure.
Or maybe if Rudd lost the election to the Liberal party, a new leader would be chosen.
32. Thought about Tony Abbott. Wasn't that situation kind of the same as the one between Rudd and Gillard?
33. Consulted Lord Wiki.
Turnbull did take the leadership from Abbott.
Lord Wiki also says that Rudd won the leadership BACK from Gillard.
I don't know if I remember that or not.
34. Saw that Kevin Rudd was Prime Minister again for like three months in 2013.
No. I totally don't remember that!
Maybe it's vaguely coming back to me....
No, not really.
35. Wanted to say that I can sort of relate to Kevin Rudd losing his job to Julia Gillard.
It happened to me. And my own husband was the Julia Gillard.
I was the family videographer—usually for fun but then also for a fancy shmancy wedding.
I thought I was good at it, and I thought my family enjoyed the films. They definitely acted like it...at least for awhile.
But then nine years later, I wasn't offered the next big videography project—a video for my niece's Bat Mitzvah. Instead my parents hired a professional. They asked Tim to be the liaison. That made me mad. I wasn't overly bothered by the professional being hired, but if someone in the family was going to help the professional, I thought it should be me.
Then something went wrong with the professional video. A few weeks before the Bat Mitzvah, my dad asked us to make a video. Tim took full control and wouldn't listen to my input. I was hurt and furious.
It was really horrible to hear all the people praising Tim for his video, when I was the one that used to get that particular praise. Two things made it even worse. No, three things, actually.
A) I had once talked to Tim about wanting to make videos professionally. He was very down on the idea—talked about how it was very hard to have an entrepreneurship (health insurance and all that). Then, at my niece's Bat Mitzvah, he started talking to the event planner about making more videos— doing it professionally. Don't rain on someone's parade plans and then later plan the parade for yourself.
B) Between the wedding and the Bat Mitzvah, I cut down on making films. The reason was my family's enthusiasm for the videos faded. They seemed much less interested. I was hurt by this, and talked to Tim about it. He responded by swooping in and making his own videos. I did make one video in 2011 that I personally think was kind of fantastic. My family complimented me on it, but they didn't seem very into it. They showed much more enthusiasm for Tim's 2012 San Francisco trip video.
C) Tim already gets so much damn attention already. He's the family technology fixer-expert. He's the family Thanksgiving chef. He's the photographer.
Was it not okay for me to have the one videographer job?
So anyway....
For close to two years, I was hurt and angry. I'm guessing Kevin Rudd felt something similar. Although unlike his drama, my situation was pretty much kept quiet. The only person who knew was Tim. We fought about it a lot. I tried to get him to see how I felt. I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.
It seems, though, that all my bitching, crying, and whining finally sunk in. Tim was asked to make the video for my other niece's Bat Mitzvah. Okay, at first I didn't even know this. We had talked about it many months prior to the Bat Mitzvah, but in the weeks leading up to the Bat Mitzvah, I heard nothing about it. I thought maybe my family had hired another professional. My guess is Tim was trying to keep it quiet, so I wouldn't have another hissy fit.
Jack was the one who brought the whole thing out in the open. He said Tim was going to let him help him with a part. I had the same sick angry feeling I usually feel when it comes to Tim making the videos. But I swallowed my Maleficient side and went to see what Tim was up to.
This time, Tim was super nice about the video. He let me help a lot. He listened to my input, and pretty much used all of my suggestions. He did more work than me, but I made significant contributions. We had a great time working as a team. I still think Tim was a complete shit for the A and B mentioned above (He can't really be blamed for C), but I felt his behavior with the second niece's Bat Mitzvah really helped to make up for his past shit.
All was well. I felt a twinge of unhappiness when the video, at the Bat Mitzvah was announced, and a few people said Tim's name in praise (like he be Jesus). My niece's family was lovely, though. They gave our whole family credit. My niece gave both Tim and me a thank you hug after the video was shown.
I felt things were fairly resolved in my hurt heart until my dad sent out an email. His email thanked all of us for the video, but the general idea was that my main contribution was sacrificing time with Tim so he could busy himself with the video.
Really? That's what I've become? I've gone from the family videographer to the good little wife who loosens the leash on her husband so he can have the time to help the in-laws more.
I tried to just ignore it. But then Tim responded by trying to tell my dad that I actually contributed a lot. Except he worded it wrong and made it seem like I did very little.
I got mad again, and after almost two years of holding in that anger, I finally revealed the truth to my family.
Well, actually I told my younger sister earlier...when I saw the email from my dad. I hadn't planned on telling anyone else. But after I saw the email with Tim, my inner-bitch came forth.
My older sister and her husband were lovely about the whole thing.
My father was not. First of all, he might have lied. His email response said that I had announced my retirement from making family films. My memory isn't perfect, but I'm pretty sure that never happened. I might have said it to Tim...but with the reasoning that I didn't feel appreciated enough. Maybe Tim passed on the information to my parents, leaving out the part about my reasoning? I don't know.
Also, even if I announced my retirement (which I doubt), I made a family film in 2011, and made several Australian trip videos in 2013. This was a year before my first niece's Bat Mitzvah. If there was a time I had retired from making videos, my whole family had evidence that I returned to video-making.
My theories about the whole thing? There is a possibility that my family decided they didn't like my videos. The other possibility is they just totally forgot that it was me that made the videos. This is evidenced by the fact that my old videos—ones that I made by myself—started being labeled as Tim's and Dina's videos.
Well, I think they might have rewritten history in their brains and imagined that Tim and I had always been making the videos together as a team. This is totally not true. The first video we ever worked on together was for the second Bat Mitzvah.
Anyway, my dad's email also requested that I take things down a notch.
36. Wondered if Kevin Rudd was ever told that by anyone when he lost the Prime Ministership.
He was pretty civil about the whole thing...I think.
But so was I.
I expressed anger and sadness, but didn't try to stab anyone or blow anything up. Nor did I make threats about running away to Australia.
37. Thought it would be awesome to have the type of parents who responded with something like, Oh no! We're so sorry! We didn't mean to hurt you. There must have been some kind of confusion or miscommunication. We wish you hadn't kept it secret for two years. You should have told us immediately!
Then again, if I had that type of parents I probably wouldn't have kept things secret for almost two years.
So...I think that's one of the main reasons I'm a blogger and why I sometimes write novels. I need someone to talk to, even if it's for a non-existent audience. I need a real or imaginary person to listen to my grievances without responding with lies and/or excuses. And I need to be able to say what's on my mind without being told to take it down a notch.
38. Thought about how I'm definitely not the first person to be replaced by someone else.
I'm not even the first to be replaced one's my own spouse. I've seen it happen....in fiction, at least.
On Tangle, Tim (Joel Tobeck) lost his seat in state Parliament. He was very unhappy about that. Then his wife Christine (Catherine McClement) made things even worse for him by later trying to get his former Parliament seat. She didn't seem to understand why her husband might not be happy about this.
It's bad enough to lose our job to someone—like Rudd did to Gillard. It's worse when that person is supposed to be on our side. Although, I guess Gillard was supposed to be on Rudd's side. Sort of? Maybe? I don't know. It's not as if they were family or married, though.
I, though, felt doubly betrayed—by my husband for replacing me, and by my family for letting me be replaced so easily.
39. Decided that although I'm pretty sure I never officially retired from making family videos before, I AM doing it now. I don't want to work hard on any big, special projects for people who make me feel I have to keep quiet about the things that are hurting me, worrying me, saddening me, etc.
Tim and his videos can have my family.
Yes, some of them were nice about my hurt feelings...once I expressed them. I'll give them that. But I'd feel better about things if they had noticed Tim had replaced me and if they had shown interest or concern regarding my feelings about this. ESPECIALLY since they know I have often felt that Tim is more loved and appreciated than me.
Also, it would have been nice if someone had publicly spoken up against my dad's request that I turn it down a notch. It would be nice if someone had expressed the wish that our family be one in which everyone feels safe to speak up when they feel sad and slighted.
But no. My dad was allowed to have the last word in the discussion.
He got to be the boss...the king...the one who lays down the law.
40. Reminded myself that Kevin Rudd now has an awesome job in New York City.
He seems quite happy.
That's one of the great things about life. We can lose. We can be replaced. We can be betrayed. But then we can pick ourselves up again and still continue to find happiness.
41. Felt grateful that I read about Gillard and Rudd this week. I needed it. It made me realize my feelings are not ridiculous.
I think there's a part of me that's felt stupid, petty, and selfish for having this anger about the videos.
And there's a part of me that feels a good little wife would let her husband take over—be the woman behind the man, and shut the hell up.
But reading the sample from Paul Kelly's book makes me see that my feelings are....
I don't know.
Well, I think they're what should be expected from someone in my situation.
Who out there would feel smiley inside about the whole thing? I think they'd either have to be on powerful drugs or in serious emotional denial.
OR...they could be an animatronic character at Disney World.
I'm pretty sure the Carousel of Progress man won't mind if he gets replaced by someone else.
Did Mr Toad care that he was replaced by Winnie the Pooh?
Probably not.
Then again...maybe he did?
I dreamed about Pilot from Farscape; though now I don't remember anything about it. It's a complete blur inside my head.
There was a dream about Koalas. People are working on some kind of koala project. I expect them to expect me to know nothing about koalas. I feel compelled to surprise and amaze them with something I know. I bring up the fact that koalas are divided into two types.
I don't remember the project people being amazed or even interested. They probably just saw me as an annoying show off.
Then there was a dream where, I'm looking at photos and information about a place in Kakadu Park. Someone (probably my mom) is pressuring me to go there next time we visit Australia. It does sound enticing to me, but I feel conflicted. I had planned to use my special points system to choose where we go in Australia.
2. Thought that the Kakadu dream was inspired by the fact that someone recently was heavily promoting the Great Barrier Reef to me.
I'm not sure why my brain switched it to Kakadu.
3. Thought I should re-explain my point system.
What it is, is every time I get a desire or interest in a place, I add it to the list. If it's already on the list, I add points to the place.
I also add points to places if I see that someone from there has spent a lot of time on my blog.I feel very grateful to people who spend a lot of time on my blog. I guess it makes me feel more love towards their town.
4. Looked at what I have on my list so far.
It's kind of confusing, because I'm a bit unorganized.
My rule so far has been that I don't count a place until I've given it a point. Being listed is not enough. Once it has a point by it's name, that means I've been interested in the place at least twice.
I'm not sure if that's a good rule or not.
But so far, this is what I have:
Northern Queensland/Great Barrier Reef area has five points total.
Brisbane-Gold Coast type area has eight points.
Northwestern Queensland has three points.
South Australia has fourteen points.
Tasmania has nine points.
New South Wales has nineteen points.
Victoria has thirteen points.
Darwin has five. That trip would include Kakadu park.
Western Australia has five.
Central Australia has one.
5. Started watching an episode of Home and Away.
And then finished watching it.
6. Started watching the movie The Hunter.
I think I read the book.
I can't remember for sure.
I do know that I read another book by the same author (Julia Leigh)—Disquiet.
I'm pretty sure I read The Hunter as well.
I know what it's about—the search for Tasmanian tigers. Though I could have gotten that from reading a description of the book.
7. Decided to check my Goodreads shelf. If it's on the shelf, I read it.
8. Found the book.
So, I did read it.
It says I read it April 13, 2014.
I don't think that's true. I'm pretty sure that's the date I transferred my Shelfari books to Goodreads.
There's a lot of books on my shelf with that date.
9. Saw Finn Woodlock's name in the credits.
Isn't he the guy from American Horror Story? Or am I thinking of something else?
10. Saw that Finn Woodlock is NOT from American Horror Story.
11. Saw that the actor I'm thinking of is Finn Wittrock.
Okay. You can't blame me there. Those names ARE pretty similar.
12. Saw that the little girl in the movie is the same one from The Tree.
13. Hoped I like this movie better than I liked the tree The Tree.
14. Saw that the name of the young actress is Morgana Davies.
She was in The Tree in 2010, and The Hunter in 2011. In 2014, she was in the miniseries The Devil's Playground.
15. Saw an actor in The Hunter that looks very familar.
I know I'm going to be annoyed with myself when I find his name on IMDb—annoyed that I wasn't able to figure out his identity without help.
16. Looked at the cast list for The Hunter.
I think the guy I saw was Sullivan Stapleton.
Other people in the cast familiar to me: Dan Wylie!, Callan Mulvey, Jacek Korman, Sam Neil, and Dan Spielman.
I already saw Callan Mulvey for a very brief moment.
I also saw Korman, but wasn't sure who he was. He just looked vaguely familiar.
17. Looked at Frances O'Connor's filmography. She's one of the stars of The Hunter.
She seems familiar to me.
She was in AI, and I feel like I've looked at that fact before. But I don't see anything else in her filmography that I've watched lately.
18, Wondered if O'Connor is married to someone I've looked at before, and that's why she seems familar to me.
19. Saw that Frances O'Connor is married to Gerald Lepkowski. He doesn't seem familiar to me.
20. Took a closer look at Frances O'Connor's filmography and finally found a movie, of hers I've seen.
It was Love and Other Catastrophes—the movie with Radha Mitchell and Matt Day.
21. Felt glad that I figured that out.
22. Thought that The Hunter makes Tasmania seem a bit scary.
There's a lot of wilderness where you could get lost.
23. Wondered what percentage of Tasmania is wilderness.
24. Googled.
Lord Wiki says that the Tasmanian Wilderness World Heritage Area takes up around 20% of Tasmania. But I'm not sure if there's Tasmanian Wilderness that's not included in the Tasmanian Wilderness World Heritage Area.
Maybe not?
25. Got an idea from this map, on the Tasmanian Parks and Wildlife site, that the Heritage area includes all wilderness areas in Tasmania.
No....
Never mind.
I guess I was looking at the wrong map at first.
The Heritage area is kind of in the center.
26. Saw why I got confused.
The map is a...something?
I don't know the term, but it's kind of like a slideshow. It's generalized at first; then evolves into something with more detail.
27. Found this other website.
It says that various wilderness areas make up 40% of Tasmania, and that trees cover up closer to half of the state.
Wow.
28. Remembered seeing The Blair Witch Project, and being amazed that there were places in the world where people could actually get lost in a forest.
I think we were living in Manhattan at the time, so the idea of a wilderness seemed kind of magical.
That being said, I think there were a few times I sort of got lost in Central Park.
29. Saw scene, in the film, involving a lot of grief.
I remember Julia Leigh's other book, The Disquiet, also deals with grief.
The Hunter deals with a woman who has lost her husband. He's gone missing in the wilderness. The Disquiet has a mother who lost her baby. If I remember correctly, it was stillborn.
30. Finished watching The Hunter for today.
I'll watch more of it tomorrow, probably.
So far, I think it's okay.
It's quite slow. I'm glad I'm not seeing it in a theater. It's better at home, because I can play QuizUp while I watch.
31. Read more of Paul Kelly's book, Triumph and Demise. I'm still on the sample. I haven't been reading much these past few days.
Paul Kelly talks about how the 2010 Prime Minister change messed up the careers of both Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard.
Kevin Rudd lost the Prime Minister role, but then Julia Gillard's Prime Ministership was tarnished by how she got the job...the whole backstabbing thing.
The general idea that Kelly presents is that the Labor Party would have been better off if Gillard had waited until Rudd handed her the job. Or whatever. I'm not sure how that goes.
I guess there comes a time when a leader wants to retire?
Do they ever? I'm not sure.
Or maybe if Rudd lost the election to the Liberal party, a new leader would be chosen.
32. Thought about Tony Abbott. Wasn't that situation kind of the same as the one between Rudd and Gillard?
33. Consulted Lord Wiki.
Turnbull did take the leadership from Abbott.
Lord Wiki also says that Rudd won the leadership BACK from Gillard.
I don't know if I remember that or not.
34. Saw that Kevin Rudd was Prime Minister again for like three months in 2013.
No. I totally don't remember that!
Maybe it's vaguely coming back to me....
No, not really.
35. Wanted to say that I can sort of relate to Kevin Rudd losing his job to Julia Gillard.
It happened to me. And my own husband was the Julia Gillard.
I was the family videographer—usually for fun but then also for a fancy shmancy wedding.
I thought I was good at it, and I thought my family enjoyed the films. They definitely acted like it...at least for awhile.
But then nine years later, I wasn't offered the next big videography project—a video for my niece's Bat Mitzvah. Instead my parents hired a professional. They asked Tim to be the liaison. That made me mad. I wasn't overly bothered by the professional being hired, but if someone in the family was going to help the professional, I thought it should be me.
Then something went wrong with the professional video. A few weeks before the Bat Mitzvah, my dad asked us to make a video. Tim took full control and wouldn't listen to my input. I was hurt and furious.
It was really horrible to hear all the people praising Tim for his video, when I was the one that used to get that particular praise. Two things made it even worse. No, three things, actually.
A) I had once talked to Tim about wanting to make videos professionally. He was very down on the idea—talked about how it was very hard to have an entrepreneurship (health insurance and all that). Then, at my niece's Bat Mitzvah, he started talking to the event planner about making more videos— doing it professionally. Don't rain on someone's parade plans and then later plan the parade for yourself.
B) Between the wedding and the Bat Mitzvah, I cut down on making films. The reason was my family's enthusiasm for the videos faded. They seemed much less interested. I was hurt by this, and talked to Tim about it. He responded by swooping in and making his own videos. I did make one video in 2011 that I personally think was kind of fantastic. My family complimented me on it, but they didn't seem very into it. They showed much more enthusiasm for Tim's 2012 San Francisco trip video.
C) Tim already gets so much damn attention already. He's the family technology fixer-expert. He's the family Thanksgiving chef. He's the photographer.
Was it not okay for me to have the one videographer job?
So anyway....
For close to two years, I was hurt and angry. I'm guessing Kevin Rudd felt something similar. Although unlike his drama, my situation was pretty much kept quiet. The only person who knew was Tim. We fought about it a lot. I tried to get him to see how I felt. I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.
It seems, though, that all my bitching, crying, and whining finally sunk in. Tim was asked to make the video for my other niece's Bat Mitzvah. Okay, at first I didn't even know this. We had talked about it many months prior to the Bat Mitzvah, but in the weeks leading up to the Bat Mitzvah, I heard nothing about it. I thought maybe my family had hired another professional. My guess is Tim was trying to keep it quiet, so I wouldn't have another hissy fit.
Jack was the one who brought the whole thing out in the open. He said Tim was going to let him help him with a part. I had the same sick angry feeling I usually feel when it comes to Tim making the videos. But I swallowed my Maleficient side and went to see what Tim was up to.
This time, Tim was super nice about the video. He let me help a lot. He listened to my input, and pretty much used all of my suggestions. He did more work than me, but I made significant contributions. We had a great time working as a team. I still think Tim was a complete shit for the A and B mentioned above (He can't really be blamed for C), but I felt his behavior with the second niece's Bat Mitzvah really helped to make up for his past shit.
All was well. I felt a twinge of unhappiness when the video, at the Bat Mitzvah was announced, and a few people said Tim's name in praise (like he be Jesus). My niece's family was lovely, though. They gave our whole family credit. My niece gave both Tim and me a thank you hug after the video was shown.
I felt things were fairly resolved in my hurt heart until my dad sent out an email. His email thanked all of us for the video, but the general idea was that my main contribution was sacrificing time with Tim so he could busy himself with the video.
Really? That's what I've become? I've gone from the family videographer to the good little wife who loosens the leash on her husband so he can have the time to help the in-laws more.
I tried to just ignore it. But then Tim responded by trying to tell my dad that I actually contributed a lot. Except he worded it wrong and made it seem like I did very little.
I got mad again, and after almost two years of holding in that anger, I finally revealed the truth to my family.
Well, actually I told my younger sister earlier...when I saw the email from my dad. I hadn't planned on telling anyone else. But after I saw the email with Tim, my inner-bitch came forth.
My older sister and her husband were lovely about the whole thing.
My father was not. First of all, he might have lied. His email response said that I had announced my retirement from making family films. My memory isn't perfect, but I'm pretty sure that never happened. I might have said it to Tim...but with the reasoning that I didn't feel appreciated enough. Maybe Tim passed on the information to my parents, leaving out the part about my reasoning? I don't know.
Also, even if I announced my retirement (which I doubt), I made a family film in 2011, and made several Australian trip videos in 2013. This was a year before my first niece's Bat Mitzvah. If there was a time I had retired from making videos, my whole family had evidence that I returned to video-making.
My theories about the whole thing? There is a possibility that my family decided they didn't like my videos. The other possibility is they just totally forgot that it was me that made the videos. This is evidenced by the fact that my old videos—ones that I made by myself—started being labeled as Tim's and Dina's videos.
Well, I think they might have rewritten history in their brains and imagined that Tim and I had always been making the videos together as a team. This is totally not true. The first video we ever worked on together was for the second Bat Mitzvah.
Anyway, my dad's email also requested that I take things down a notch.
36. Wondered if Kevin Rudd was ever told that by anyone when he lost the Prime Ministership.
He was pretty civil about the whole thing...I think.
But so was I.
I expressed anger and sadness, but didn't try to stab anyone or blow anything up. Nor did I make threats about running away to Australia.
37. Thought it would be awesome to have the type of parents who responded with something like, Oh no! We're so sorry! We didn't mean to hurt you. There must have been some kind of confusion or miscommunication. We wish you hadn't kept it secret for two years. You should have told us immediately!
Then again, if I had that type of parents I probably wouldn't have kept things secret for almost two years.
So...I think that's one of the main reasons I'm a blogger and why I sometimes write novels. I need someone to talk to, even if it's for a non-existent audience. I need a real or imaginary person to listen to my grievances without responding with lies and/or excuses. And I need to be able to say what's on my mind without being told to take it down a notch.
38. Thought about how I'm definitely not the first person to be replaced by someone else.
I'm not even the first to be replaced one's my own spouse. I've seen it happen....in fiction, at least.
On Tangle, Tim (Joel Tobeck) lost his seat in state Parliament. He was very unhappy about that. Then his wife Christine (Catherine McClement) made things even worse for him by later trying to get his former Parliament seat. She didn't seem to understand why her husband might not be happy about this.
It's bad enough to lose our job to someone—like Rudd did to Gillard. It's worse when that person is supposed to be on our side. Although, I guess Gillard was supposed to be on Rudd's side. Sort of? Maybe? I don't know. It's not as if they were family or married, though.
I, though, felt doubly betrayed—by my husband for replacing me, and by my family for letting me be replaced so easily.
39. Decided that although I'm pretty sure I never officially retired from making family videos before, I AM doing it now. I don't want to work hard on any big, special projects for people who make me feel I have to keep quiet about the things that are hurting me, worrying me, saddening me, etc.
Tim and his videos can have my family.
Yes, some of them were nice about my hurt feelings...once I expressed them. I'll give them that. But I'd feel better about things if they had noticed Tim had replaced me and if they had shown interest or concern regarding my feelings about this. ESPECIALLY since they know I have often felt that Tim is more loved and appreciated than me.
Also, it would have been nice if someone had publicly spoken up against my dad's request that I turn it down a notch. It would be nice if someone had expressed the wish that our family be one in which everyone feels safe to speak up when they feel sad and slighted.
But no. My dad was allowed to have the last word in the discussion.
He got to be the boss...the king...the one who lays down the law.
40. Reminded myself that Kevin Rudd now has an awesome job in New York City.
He seems quite happy.
That's one of the great things about life. We can lose. We can be replaced. We can be betrayed. But then we can pick ourselves up again and still continue to find happiness.
41. Felt grateful that I read about Gillard and Rudd this week. I needed it. It made me realize my feelings are not ridiculous.
I think there's a part of me that's felt stupid, petty, and selfish for having this anger about the videos.
And there's a part of me that feels a good little wife would let her husband take over—be the woman behind the man, and shut the hell up.
But reading the sample from Paul Kelly's book makes me see that my feelings are....
I don't know.
Well, I think they're what should be expected from someone in my situation.
Who out there would feel smiley inside about the whole thing? I think they'd either have to be on powerful drugs or in serious emotional denial.
OR...they could be an animatronic character at Disney World.
I'm pretty sure the Carousel of Progress man won't mind if he gets replaced by someone else.
Did Mr Toad care that he was replaced by Winnie the Pooh?
Probably not.
Then again...maybe he did?