After writing my last post, I did some thinking, and more thinking, and then even more thinking.
I want to say things, but I'm not sure what.
I think what I have is a problem with putting things in perspective. I think it's a self-esteem issue.
I'm not sure if my problem is super common or just common.
I'm not sure if I was simply born this way, or if I could lay most of the blame on my parents...sisters? Teachers? Classmates. A bad dream?
I too often think that I'm not enough.
I'm not thin enough, but I'm not fat enough to have a right to complain about my weight.
My eating disorder wasn't serious enough. Was it even an eating disorder?
I have a neurological problem maybe, but is it too small to matter? Am I being silly by talking about it?
Were all the traumas of my childhood too small to matter?
Am I talented enough? If people are more talented than me, does that mean I'm not talented?
No, of course not. But I feel that way sometimes. I see someone better than me, and sometimes that makes me feel I'm not good at all.
I look on Instagram and feel my food is not good enough. I haven't traveled enough. I'm not muscular enough. I'm not popular enough. I haven't overcome enough.
You know what. Holy Shit. I just realized something awesome.
I AM enough when it comes to something. I think I'm on the top of the scale.
I'm on the highest level when it comes to self-esteem issues.
Okay. Maybe I'm not on the highest level. But I'd put myself in at least the 80% percentile.
I'm wonderfully insecure. I'm often anxious and wondering if I'm a super good person, an okay person, or a horrible person.
I love myself, but the love is weak and volatile. One day I'm thinking I'm awesome and another day I'm feeling worthless.
I feel like I've just diagnosed myself with a borderline personality disorder.
Well...just went and read the symptoms. If I got diagnosed and went to a support group, it would be yet another thing where I feel I don't measure up. There would be someone in the group who has a much more dramatic case, and I'd be thinking, do I really have a borderline personality disorder? Do I have a right to be here? I'd end up feeling inadequate for not cutting myself and not attempting suicide.
You know...maybe I'll just use mild as the keyword of my life. I might have a mild borderline personality disorder. I'm mildly overweight. I once had a mild eating disorder. I had mild traumas in my childhood. I have mild singing talent. Though I think there are random moments where my singing talent is way above mild. But that COULD just be a delusion. And that's another thing. I have mild delusions. I have mild hallucinations. I might be having mild seizures. I am mildly talented at writing. I have mild relationship problems. I'm mildly depressed. I'm mildly deformed. I'm a mild fan of a bunch of TV shows—I wouldn't measure up to many other people in the fandom. My blog is a mild failure. I'm mildly unpopular on social media. I have mild migraines....
I AM mild.
I need to learn to embrace that.
I want to say things, but I'm not sure what.
I think what I have is a problem with putting things in perspective. I think it's a self-esteem issue.
I'm not sure if my problem is super common or just common.
I'm not sure if I was simply born this way, or if I could lay most of the blame on my parents...sisters? Teachers? Classmates. A bad dream?
I too often think that I'm not enough.
I'm not thin enough, but I'm not fat enough to have a right to complain about my weight.
My eating disorder wasn't serious enough. Was it even an eating disorder?
I have a neurological problem maybe, but is it too small to matter? Am I being silly by talking about it?
Were all the traumas of my childhood too small to matter?
Am I talented enough? If people are more talented than me, does that mean I'm not talented?
No, of course not. But I feel that way sometimes. I see someone better than me, and sometimes that makes me feel I'm not good at all.
I look on Instagram and feel my food is not good enough. I haven't traveled enough. I'm not muscular enough. I'm not popular enough. I haven't overcome enough.
You know what. Holy Shit. I just realized something awesome.
I AM enough when it comes to something. I think I'm on the top of the scale.
I'm on the highest level when it comes to self-esteem issues.
Okay. Maybe I'm not on the highest level. But I'd put myself in at least the 80% percentile.
I'm wonderfully insecure. I'm often anxious and wondering if I'm a super good person, an okay person, or a horrible person.
I love myself, but the love is weak and volatile. One day I'm thinking I'm awesome and another day I'm feeling worthless.
I feel like I've just diagnosed myself with a borderline personality disorder.
Well...just went and read the symptoms. If I got diagnosed and went to a support group, it would be yet another thing where I feel I don't measure up. There would be someone in the group who has a much more dramatic case, and I'd be thinking, do I really have a borderline personality disorder? Do I have a right to be here? I'd end up feeling inadequate for not cutting myself and not attempting suicide.
You know...maybe I'll just use mild as the keyword of my life. I might have a mild borderline personality disorder. I'm mildly overweight. I once had a mild eating disorder. I had mild traumas in my childhood. I have mild singing talent. Though I think there are random moments where my singing talent is way above mild. But that COULD just be a delusion. And that's another thing. I have mild delusions. I have mild hallucinations. I might be having mild seizures. I am mildly talented at writing. I have mild relationship problems. I'm mildly depressed. I'm mildly deformed. I'm a mild fan of a bunch of TV shows—I wouldn't measure up to many other people in the fandom. My blog is a mild failure. I'm mildly unpopular on social media. I have mild migraines....
I AM mild.
I need to learn to embrace that.