New diary time!
I wonder if diaries like this are still sold.
Well, I just checked on Amazon. There are diaries there. They're marketed for children. For adults, there are notebooks. I guess it's only children/teens who desire the whole lock and key thing. Or that's what Amazon imagines.
And now I'll start reading my diary.
I'm going to tell you what I did today with lots of detail. Okay? I want to remember as much as I can. I want to keep the memory. Well, I went to the movie theater and saw Opportunity Knocks. John A. works there. I used to hate seeing People I know like that, but now I cherish it because I know I'll never see them again.
The movie was really funny. Right now the movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is out and it's getting lots of publicity. There was a little kid outside the theater mesmerized by a poster of Joe vs. the Volcano. It reminded me of Ron Kovic as a kid looking at a movie picture.
In the theater there was a navy recruitment booth. It was for Hunt for Red October. I just think they should have Ron Kovic there yelling if they have them. (4/3/90) I'm not sure what I meant by "if they have them".
Wait. Now I think I get it. I meant if they're going to have Navy Recruitment as part of The Hunt For Red October, they should balance it with Ron Kovic. Balance pro-military with anti-war.
I had another stupid driving lesson with Kent M. He's funny but his beliefs are totally against mine. (4/3/90). When trying to remember if I encountered sexual harassment, this driving teacher came to mind. But I don't know if he said anything sexual or misogynist. I just remember being annoyed and offended by him.
Ryan White's still alive. I get so relieved when I hear that but then I remember there is hardly any hope for him anyway. (4/4/90). Yeah...there's something about being relieved when you know the sad-ending is coming soon.
Well, I still like Tim, unfortunately. I looked at a bunch of advice columns in magazines and they didn't act like it was a giant crime to like someone your friend likes. (4/4/90). And those magazines are the boss of the world. Right?
My bodies been hurting a lot. One day it's my knee and then it's my hip. Yuck. I'm major psychosomatic. (4/5/90). I'm more educated now, and the correct term there would probably be psychogenic.
I still have those random pains. One day it's one thing and another day it's the other. I'm guessing it has a psychological cause...or supernatural. I don't think there are any medical problems that cause random pains.
Well, it could be a nerve thing...maybe?
The song "On My Own" is the story of my life. I have liked so many guys without telling them. (4/10/90)
Melissa and I went to Six Flags. It was pretty fun. Melissa made me laugh on this show which made you feel like you were on the ride. She acted like she was on the ride. (4/13/90). I think it's been a long time since I've seen that really silly side of Melissa.
I want to marry someone from North Springs. I want to keep a piece of this memory. (4/14/90). Again...this is all so surprising to me. I really did not remember having such warm memories of my high school.
The ouija ghosts are back. Before they came from Melissa's imagination Now they're coming from mine (4/16/90). I was referring to the fact that I was writing a novel about the whole experience. It was called The Brown Box. Unfortunately, I think I lost all copies of it. But I have a bin of manuscripts. When I do more cleaning, I'll look in there. Maybe I'll find it...or bits of it.
Oh. This sucks. Grandma Goldie is sick, right? So I write her this long inspirational letter about her bravery and how it's okay to cry, etc, etc. (that was a month or so ago).
Then this weekend in the car Dad said Grandma said she survived because of what one of you wrote in a letter. I started beaming with pride.
Then my dad said, "Be Happy,"
"Yea," Melissa said. "It was me. I said Don't Worry Be Happy"
At least my letter was original.
I hate that phrase, Don't Worry Be Happy.
Even back then, I was against being dismissive of people's problems and the whole be-positive movement.
Selfish of me, though, to be more concerned about my pride than happy that my grandmother was cheered up.
I wanted to say, I've changed since then. But no...if that happened today, I'd probably be the same way.
Mr. Peterson told a boring story about Russia in English and then he repeated the whole thing in newspaper. It was a nightmare. (4/19/90). Yikes. The dangers of having the same teacher for two classes.
I am fat. 115 pounds. But I exercised today in the ballet room. (4/23/90). I'd feel wonderfully thin if I weighed that much right now.
My book is approximately 180 pages. It's getting there. (4/24/90). I was really into reporting the number of pages I was up to, but I'm sparing this blog of most of that.
I don't like Tim much anymore. He thinks He's God. I had him on top of a totem pole and now he's slowly coming down. But then I don't think it would be right to bury him at the bottom. He's not that bad. (4/24/90). It's statements like that which make me think if I do have a borderline personality disorder, it's mild...and fairly well-controlled.
I'll be heart-broken and green with envy for the girl who goes to prom with Larry or Tim. (4/25/90). Well, Tim certainly didn't even get close to the bottom of that totem pole.
We had plans to go miniature golfing but that fell through. I ended up going with my family + Jamie to Steak and Shake. Jamie amused me and I like her more than I used to. (4/28/90). Who is Jamie? I have no idea. Maybe she's one of my sister's friends?
I called Larry. He didn't seem to want to talk to me. (5/1/90). I'm glad I was brave enough to call the boys that I liked.
I saw Tim a lot today. He wore a tacky green hat. It's funny because yesterday I was wishing I could wear the khaki green hat I have (I think I meant khaki). In fact I was thinking about it a lot. The only problem is my hat is Communist. I wore it naively in 8th grade. I didn't know Communists were so hated.
In social studies, 6th and 7th grade, we learned about them in China and the teachers taught it as a good thing. (that might not have been completely true. I doubt I paid enough attention in class to understand the teacher's stance on the issue). Now I can never see communism as evil. It might not have worked but capitalism is not superb.
Of course Democratic vs. a government where there is no freedom. Democracy wins in my book. But I think the idea of sharing money is kind of a good idea. I don't think taxes are, but I think people should decide where their money goes. (5/1/90). I think all that is the most political thing I've seen in my diary so far.
Dream: Once we went to a show about Australia. It was a 360 vision show. There were dingos and mom was petting them against my approval. (5/8/90). I was just excited to see Australia mentioned. I like that it was in my dreams way back then.
Most of what's in my diary at this point is dream stuff rather than life stuff.
I'm so used of people dying. So many people are dying that I'm forcing myself not to get upset. Today Jim Henson (Kermit), Sammy Davis Junior, and a guy on Silver Spoons died. Just recently Renee died and Ryan White and then Elizabeth Taylor is sick. To bad they don't live in Salem (D.O.O.L). They would come back from the dead. (5/16/90). DOOL=Days of our Lives. Though I am totally sympathetic about people mourning the famous, I do feel I sounded a bit privileged there. I wonder if I realized there were teenagers in the world who had to come to terms with people they KNEW dropping like flies.
Well, wait. Never mind. I probably was aware, because of all the CF stuff. A lot of families with CF knew other families with CF via camp, charity events, etc. So children and teens would lose their friends who had the same disease. Also Cystic Fibrosis is genetic, so there are families who have multiple kids with the disease.
Kermit is a famous character we all love and so's the other Muppets, but probably the most important thing he did was make Sesame Street. Mom said it made her sad to think he won't be here for our grandchildren. Jennifer K. was a jerk about the whole thing. She thought it was about time for Samy to die and she was convinced that Jim Henson could be easily replaced. (5/17/90).
I wonder if my mom meant HER grandchildren. Or maybe she said that, and I miswrote it. It seems Jim Henson would be very old if he was still alive when I have grandchildren.
Well, I just did the math. Jim Henson would be 82 now. It's younger than I imagined.
I guess I forgot that he had died so young.
Today Jennifer K and I looked at guys and discussed if they looked like vampires or not. (5/18/90). That sounds like a fun game.
When we went to visit Atlanta a few years ago, I played this game with myself. I looked at people and decided if they'd be A) zombies B) part of the prison group C) Part of the Woodbury group.
I am afraid there is a chance I'm going crazy. On the bus, I heard Michael call my name. I said what but he said he had never said anything. He was quietly minding his own business. This, of course, is not enough evidence to put me in the nuthouse for many people think they hear people when they really didn't. But I kept on hearing him talk. I couldn't actually hear what he was saying.
In the hall, I heard someone call my name. Of course that might very well be someone calling my name or a name similar to mine...I am hoping I am not crazy but I think I must prepare for the worst. I have 1/100 chance. So it is best to prepare. If I am schizophrenic, by admitting it, I can treat myself by knowing imaginary things are in my mind and not reacting to them. (5/21/90).
I'm sure everyone worries sometimes about psychosis. For me, the worry might have been a little stronger. I had a cousin who was schizophrenic. She came to stay with us when I was ten or eleven. She became very ill at our house, and the experience was traumatic. Through the years, I worried because of the genetic closeness. But later I learned, it was probable that the illness ran in the other side of her family.
I am so spoiled by my mom. I told her I liked a necklace and she was like Oh, okay. We'll buy it then. I didn't even ask her for it! (5/22/90) My parents have been very generous with money and material things for a long time. I'm not sure if it was always the case, though. They might have been more strict when I was a young child.
Mr. Peterson was being such a jerk today. He spends so much time in that class telling us we have to be serious and lecturing us, we could probably produce twice as many newspapers if he shut up for once. (5/23/90). Yeah, Mr. Peterson! Keep your mouth shut and let us work!
I wonder if diaries like this are still sold.
Well, I just checked on Amazon. There are diaries there. They're marketed for children. For adults, there are notebooks. I guess it's only children/teens who desire the whole lock and key thing. Or that's what Amazon imagines.
And now I'll start reading my diary.
I'm going to tell you what I did today with lots of detail. Okay? I want to remember as much as I can. I want to keep the memory. Well, I went to the movie theater and saw Opportunity Knocks. John A. works there. I used to hate seeing People I know like that, but now I cherish it because I know I'll never see them again.
The movie was really funny. Right now the movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is out and it's getting lots of publicity. There was a little kid outside the theater mesmerized by a poster of Joe vs. the Volcano. It reminded me of Ron Kovic as a kid looking at a movie picture.
In the theater there was a navy recruitment booth. It was for Hunt for Red October. I just think they should have Ron Kovic there yelling if they have them. (4/3/90) I'm not sure what I meant by "if they have them".
Wait. Now I think I get it. I meant if they're going to have Navy Recruitment as part of The Hunt For Red October, they should balance it with Ron Kovic. Balance pro-military with anti-war.
I had another stupid driving lesson with Kent M. He's funny but his beliefs are totally against mine. (4/3/90). When trying to remember if I encountered sexual harassment, this driving teacher came to mind. But I don't know if he said anything sexual or misogynist. I just remember being annoyed and offended by him.
Ryan White's still alive. I get so relieved when I hear that but then I remember there is hardly any hope for him anyway. (4/4/90). Yeah...there's something about being relieved when you know the sad-ending is coming soon.
Well, I still like Tim, unfortunately. I looked at a bunch of advice columns in magazines and they didn't act like it was a giant crime to like someone your friend likes. (4/4/90). And those magazines are the boss of the world. Right?
My bodies been hurting a lot. One day it's my knee and then it's my hip. Yuck. I'm major psychosomatic. (4/5/90). I'm more educated now, and the correct term there would probably be psychogenic.
I still have those random pains. One day it's one thing and another day it's the other. I'm guessing it has a psychological cause...or supernatural. I don't think there are any medical problems that cause random pains.
Well, it could be a nerve thing...maybe?
The song "On My Own" is the story of my life. I have liked so many guys without telling them. (4/10/90)
Melissa and I went to Six Flags. It was pretty fun. Melissa made me laugh on this show which made you feel like you were on the ride. She acted like she was on the ride. (4/13/90). I think it's been a long time since I've seen that really silly side of Melissa.
I want to marry someone from North Springs. I want to keep a piece of this memory. (4/14/90). Again...this is all so surprising to me. I really did not remember having such warm memories of my high school.
The ouija ghosts are back. Before they came from Melissa's imagination Now they're coming from mine (4/16/90). I was referring to the fact that I was writing a novel about the whole experience. It was called The Brown Box. Unfortunately, I think I lost all copies of it. But I have a bin of manuscripts. When I do more cleaning, I'll look in there. Maybe I'll find it...or bits of it.
Oh. This sucks. Grandma Goldie is sick, right? So I write her this long inspirational letter about her bravery and how it's okay to cry, etc, etc. (that was a month or so ago).
Then this weekend in the car Dad said Grandma said she survived because of what one of you wrote in a letter. I started beaming with pride.
Then my dad said, "Be Happy,"
"Yea," Melissa said. "It was me. I said Don't Worry Be Happy"
At least my letter was original.
I hate that phrase, Don't Worry Be Happy.
Even back then, I was against being dismissive of people's problems and the whole be-positive movement.
Selfish of me, though, to be more concerned about my pride than happy that my grandmother was cheered up.
I wanted to say, I've changed since then. But no...if that happened today, I'd probably be the same way.
Mr. Peterson told a boring story about Russia in English and then he repeated the whole thing in newspaper. It was a nightmare. (4/19/90). Yikes. The dangers of having the same teacher for two classes.
I am fat. 115 pounds. But I exercised today in the ballet room. (4/23/90). I'd feel wonderfully thin if I weighed that much right now.
My book is approximately 180 pages. It's getting there. (4/24/90). I was really into reporting the number of pages I was up to, but I'm sparing this blog of most of that.
I don't like Tim much anymore. He thinks He's God. I had him on top of a totem pole and now he's slowly coming down. But then I don't think it would be right to bury him at the bottom. He's not that bad. (4/24/90). It's statements like that which make me think if I do have a borderline personality disorder, it's mild...and fairly well-controlled.
I'll be heart-broken and green with envy for the girl who goes to prom with Larry or Tim. (4/25/90). Well, Tim certainly didn't even get close to the bottom of that totem pole.
We had plans to go miniature golfing but that fell through. I ended up going with my family + Jamie to Steak and Shake. Jamie amused me and I like her more than I used to. (4/28/90). Who is Jamie? I have no idea. Maybe she's one of my sister's friends?
I called Larry. He didn't seem to want to talk to me. (5/1/90). I'm glad I was brave enough to call the boys that I liked.
I saw Tim a lot today. He wore a tacky green hat. It's funny because yesterday I was wishing I could wear the khaki green hat I have (I think I meant khaki). In fact I was thinking about it a lot. The only problem is my hat is Communist. I wore it naively in 8th grade. I didn't know Communists were so hated.
In social studies, 6th and 7th grade, we learned about them in China and the teachers taught it as a good thing. (that might not have been completely true. I doubt I paid enough attention in class to understand the teacher's stance on the issue). Now I can never see communism as evil. It might not have worked but capitalism is not superb.
Of course Democratic vs. a government where there is no freedom. Democracy wins in my book. But I think the idea of sharing money is kind of a good idea. I don't think taxes are, but I think people should decide where their money goes. (5/1/90). I think all that is the most political thing I've seen in my diary so far.
Dream: Once we went to a show about Australia. It was a 360 vision show. There were dingos and mom was petting them against my approval. (5/8/90). I was just excited to see Australia mentioned. I like that it was in my dreams way back then.
Most of what's in my diary at this point is dream stuff rather than life stuff.
I'm so used of people dying. So many people are dying that I'm forcing myself not to get upset. Today Jim Henson (Kermit), Sammy Davis Junior, and a guy on Silver Spoons died. Just recently Renee died and Ryan White and then Elizabeth Taylor is sick. To bad they don't live in Salem (D.O.O.L). They would come back from the dead. (5/16/90). DOOL=Days of our Lives. Though I am totally sympathetic about people mourning the famous, I do feel I sounded a bit privileged there. I wonder if I realized there were teenagers in the world who had to come to terms with people they KNEW dropping like flies.
Well, wait. Never mind. I probably was aware, because of all the CF stuff. A lot of families with CF knew other families with CF via camp, charity events, etc. So children and teens would lose their friends who had the same disease. Also Cystic Fibrosis is genetic, so there are families who have multiple kids with the disease.
Kermit is a famous character we all love and so's the other Muppets, but probably the most important thing he did was make Sesame Street. Mom said it made her sad to think he won't be here for our grandchildren. Jennifer K. was a jerk about the whole thing. She thought it was about time for Samy to die and she was convinced that Jim Henson could be easily replaced. (5/17/90).
I wonder if my mom meant HER grandchildren. Or maybe she said that, and I miswrote it. It seems Jim Henson would be very old if he was still alive when I have grandchildren.
Well, I just did the math. Jim Henson would be 82 now. It's younger than I imagined.
I guess I forgot that he had died so young.
Today Jennifer K and I looked at guys and discussed if they looked like vampires or not. (5/18/90). That sounds like a fun game.
When we went to visit Atlanta a few years ago, I played this game with myself. I looked at people and decided if they'd be A) zombies B) part of the prison group C) Part of the Woodbury group.
I am afraid there is a chance I'm going crazy. On the bus, I heard Michael call my name. I said what but he said he had never said anything. He was quietly minding his own business. This, of course, is not enough evidence to put me in the nuthouse for many people think they hear people when they really didn't. But I kept on hearing him talk. I couldn't actually hear what he was saying.
In the hall, I heard someone call my name. Of course that might very well be someone calling my name or a name similar to mine...I am hoping I am not crazy but I think I must prepare for the worst. I have 1/100 chance. So it is best to prepare. If I am schizophrenic, by admitting it, I can treat myself by knowing imaginary things are in my mind and not reacting to them. (5/21/90).
I'm sure everyone worries sometimes about psychosis. For me, the worry might have been a little stronger. I had a cousin who was schizophrenic. She came to stay with us when I was ten or eleven. She became very ill at our house, and the experience was traumatic. Through the years, I worried because of the genetic closeness. But later I learned, it was probable that the illness ran in the other side of her family.
I am so spoiled by my mom. I told her I liked a necklace and she was like Oh, okay. We'll buy it then. I didn't even ask her for it! (5/22/90) My parents have been very generous with money and material things for a long time. I'm not sure if it was always the case, though. They might have been more strict when I was a young child.
Mr. Peterson was being such a jerk today. He spends so much time in that class telling us we have to be serious and lecturing us, we could probably produce twice as many newspapers if he shut up for once. (5/23/90). Yeah, Mr. Peterson! Keep your mouth shut and let us work!