I've been thinking about some other manipulation techniques.
I think the main goal of someone, who often manipulates, is to turn themselves into the victim of the situation.
Two of the ways they can do this is by exaggerating or twisting the situation.
And I'll say admit right now that I've at least done the former—maybe mostly in my head.
I'm not sure I do it as a manipulation strategy. I think it's more about being in a temporary state of delusion.
Something happens and it brings me to the point of
No one likes me.
I am boring to everyone.
It would be better if I didn't exist.
Everyone hates my writing.
I'm a bad mom.
I'm a bad wife.
All that fun self-esteem stuff.
I think the difference between exaggeration in delusional self-esteem issues and exaggeration in manipulative strategy is that, in the latter, the statements come as a response to confrontation.
Ashley-You bought the wrong pads. I've told you I need the ones with wings.
Beth-What the hell, Ashley. I can't do anything right, can I? I'm so sick of your nonstop criticism. I do things for you, and what's your response? You hate me. It's NOT fair!
Of course, Beth's response would have merit if Ashley did continuously criticize her. Then: Go Beth!
But let's pretend the majority of Ashley's interactions with Beth are neutral or positive rather than negative. What is Beth's deal then? Why can't she simply say, Oh shit. Sorry. I totally forgot.
The manipulator makes themselves the victim by pretending all interactions have been negative. They paint themselves as being a target of unrelenting abuse.
Rachel-That's not funny. I think it's really offensive, actually.
Michele-You have absolutely no sense of humor. I can't say ANYTHING without offending you. I guess I'll just stop talking so I don't accidentally say the wrong thing.
As for twisting.
Here the manipulator can become the victim by twisting the request or complaint of the person confronting them.
Let's say Shelly is getting married in a few months. She's obsessed with the wedding, and one of the manifestations of this obsession is that she repeatedly asks her sister Wendy when Wendy is going to get married.
This bothers Wendy, because, though, she's in a relationship, they are no where close to getting engaged. And Wendy is not even sure she even wants to get married.
Wendy tries to tolerate her sister's pestering. She tries to let it slide. But then she decides maybe she can just be upfront. So she emails her sister a heartfelt letter, asks her sister to stop asking her when she's going to get married and explains why this bothers her.
Instead of saying something like, Oh sorry. I didn't realize this was bothering you. I'll stop! Shelly twist's Wendy's complaint into Wendy being sick of marriage talk, period.
She writes back. Sorry. I was talking so much about my wedding. I'm just really excited. I didn't realize it was boring you.
So Wendy goes from someone who is sick of being pestered about her own personal life into someone who doesn't want to hear about someone else's upcoming big day.
Shelly refused to accept her role of pest and twisted things to make herself look like a victim.
Now I'm wondering if I've behaved like Shelly before?
I hope not.
And if I have, I hope it was way in the past.
I hope I haven't done anything like that recently.
I'm thinking if we want to be reasonable rather than delusional or manipulative, we need to cut out the words "never" and "always", both in our conversations and inner dialogues. I know a lot of self-help gurus have said this kind of thing. It's probably good advice.
If we are FEELING that there's been never or always, we should probably stop and ask ourselves, what is it really? Maybe often? Maybe just sometimes? Maybe rarely?
Maybe Ashley is SOMETIMES critical of Beth's shopping results, but other times she is neutral. And other times she acts excited and grateful.
I think the main goal of someone, who often manipulates, is to turn themselves into the victim of the situation.
Two of the ways they can do this is by exaggerating or twisting the situation.
And I'll say admit right now that I've at least done the former—maybe mostly in my head.
I'm not sure I do it as a manipulation strategy. I think it's more about being in a temporary state of delusion.
Something happens and it brings me to the point of
No one likes me.
I am boring to everyone.
It would be better if I didn't exist.
Everyone hates my writing.
I'm a bad mom.
I'm a bad wife.
All that fun self-esteem stuff.
I think the difference between exaggeration in delusional self-esteem issues and exaggeration in manipulative strategy is that, in the latter, the statements come as a response to confrontation.
Ashley-You bought the wrong pads. I've told you I need the ones with wings.
Beth-What the hell, Ashley. I can't do anything right, can I? I'm so sick of your nonstop criticism. I do things for you, and what's your response? You hate me. It's NOT fair!
Of course, Beth's response would have merit if Ashley did continuously criticize her. Then: Go Beth!
But let's pretend the majority of Ashley's interactions with Beth are neutral or positive rather than negative. What is Beth's deal then? Why can't she simply say, Oh shit. Sorry. I totally forgot.
The manipulator makes themselves the victim by pretending all interactions have been negative. They paint themselves as being a target of unrelenting abuse.
Rachel-That's not funny. I think it's really offensive, actually.
Michele-You have absolutely no sense of humor. I can't say ANYTHING without offending you. I guess I'll just stop talking so I don't accidentally say the wrong thing.
As for twisting.
Here the manipulator can become the victim by twisting the request or complaint of the person confronting them.
Let's say Shelly is getting married in a few months. She's obsessed with the wedding, and one of the manifestations of this obsession is that she repeatedly asks her sister Wendy when Wendy is going to get married.
This bothers Wendy, because, though, she's in a relationship, they are no where close to getting engaged. And Wendy is not even sure she even wants to get married.
Wendy tries to tolerate her sister's pestering. She tries to let it slide. But then she decides maybe she can just be upfront. So she emails her sister a heartfelt letter, asks her sister to stop asking her when she's going to get married and explains why this bothers her.
Instead of saying something like, Oh sorry. I didn't realize this was bothering you. I'll stop! Shelly twist's Wendy's complaint into Wendy being sick of marriage talk, period.
She writes back. Sorry. I was talking so much about my wedding. I'm just really excited. I didn't realize it was boring you.
So Wendy goes from someone who is sick of being pestered about her own personal life into someone who doesn't want to hear about someone else's upcoming big day.
Shelly refused to accept her role of pest and twisted things to make herself look like a victim.
Now I'm wondering if I've behaved like Shelly before?
I hope not.
And if I have, I hope it was way in the past.
I hope I haven't done anything like that recently.
I'm thinking if we want to be reasonable rather than delusional or manipulative, we need to cut out the words "never" and "always", both in our conversations and inner dialogues. I know a lot of self-help gurus have said this kind of thing. It's probably good advice.
If we are FEELING that there's been never or always, we should probably stop and ask ourselves, what is it really? Maybe often? Maybe just sometimes? Maybe rarely?
Maybe Ashley is SOMETIMES critical of Beth's shopping results, but other times she is neutral. And other times she acts excited and grateful.