Questions about Trump and Gaslighting

I've been gaslighted before. It's painful.

It's confusing, because something happens that bothers you. In a better world, you'd be able to express this hurt and  anger. There'd be acknowledgment and remorse. There'd be apologies. There'd be some sort of resolution and closure. 

Instead, with gaslighting, there's denial and/or minimizing. You're left wondering if there is something wrong with YOU. Did you remember things wrong? Are you insane? Are you too sensitive? Are you over-reacting?

And unless you have witnesses that stand by you, it can be really lonely. There's often no one around to say, Yes. That happened. Yes it was awful. Yes you have every right to be upset.

So I think that's where Trump's gaslighting is different from personal gaslighting. I think it's less lonely because we experience it together. There are MANY people saying yes, that happened. Yes, it's awful. And yes we have a right to be upset.

Not only do we have other witnesses, we have it on record. We have the Tweets and videos.

Trump can say he didn't say something, and we can watch a video that says otherwise.

Maybe that will actually be my first question.

A) Does it help (psychologically) to have actual video/Tweet documentation that Trump is gaslighting us. Or does that actually make it more frustrating?  And how about with personal gaslighting? If we have an email, recording, text, etc that proves that such and such happened and that we're being gaslighted, does that make things easier?  Or is frustration less detrimental than self-doubt?

Other questions....

B) Are passionate Trump-haters more likely to have been gaslighted in their life? And is this one of the main reasons we hate Trump?  If Trump had the same policies but was relatively honest, would we hate him with less passion? 

C) And how about for conservatives who are anti-Trump. I'm guessing they'd be okay with most of his policies. So does the gaslighting play a big part in their dislike of him?  Or is it usually more about the Russia and Ukraine mess?

D) For people who are big Trump fans, are they bothered by the gaslighting at all?

I'm guessing they're not...in most cases.

So....

E) Are they ignorant about the concept of gaslighting?

F) Are many Trump fans gaslighters themselves? Are they not bothered by the gaslighting, because they themselves do the same thing?

G) How about anti-Trump people who happen to be also guilty of gaslighting? Are they less bothered by this aspect of Trump than victims of gaslighting? Or...if they are bothered, do they deny their own gaslighting? Or has seeing Trump's gaslighting been a wake up call, and they're trying to change their own behavior? 

H) For anti-Trump people who have never been gaslighted but speak out against Trump's gaslighting, do they really hate gas-lighting or is it just a matter of Trump-can't-do-anything-right?  Like if Trump wore purple glasses, then purple glasses would be a horrible thing to wear.

I) Do people on the right gaslight more than people on the left? Are people on the left more likely to be bothered by gaslighting?

If one day we end up with a Democratic president that gaslights as much as Trump, will the left tolerate the gaslighting as much as the Trump fans tolerate/support Trump's gaslighting?  I imagine we will, in general, be much more tolerant of the president, because we like his/her policies. But will we speak up against the gaslighting?  And is there a point where we'd say, Enough is enough. We like what you stand for, but you're toxic. We want you out.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

But this Other White Guy Said It was Okay!

Dear White Heterosexual Men:

Yes, it's hard to be politically correct sometimes.

And what's life without some edgy jokes?

How can we relax if we keep having to watch what we say?

Yes, sometimes there can be too many rules about political correctness. Plus, it gets confusing. What's okay today might not be okay next week.

It's hard to keep up.

We all make mistakes. We all put ourselves into positions where we feel ashamed, guilty, or sometimes...defensive.

But here's one piece of advise I can give.

If there is a person in your social circle that's from a marginalized group—person of color, female, transgender, gay, etc.  It should be THEIR opinion that matters when it comes down to whether a comment, joke, phrase, or label is acceptable or not.  I mean if it pertains to the marginalized group that they are a member of. 

Now I'm just talking about within your social circle or your relationship to that person. What's fine with your one black friend might not be fine with your other black friend.

You might have a gay uncle who tells you not to ever say that again in front of him and a gay friend who thinks you have a very good point.  

But if someone from a marginalized group speaks out, the best thing to do is listen to them, try to learn something, try to understand, and respect their wishes.

It's not the time to try to prove that they're wrong.

It's not the time to argue that other people from the group are okay with it, so they should be too.

It's certainly not okay to try to convince them that they're wrong by finding another white  heterosexual male who seems to argue your point more eloquently than you do.  

And yes, I'm targeting white heterosexual men. Because they seem to be the ones who feel the most victimized by political correctness.  But it applies to many of the rest of us as well...those of us who are part of marginalized groups and also part of the more dominant groups.

For example, in my household. I'm marginalized as a woman. Then Tim is marginalized as an Asian.

I should get the last say in our home over whether something is misogynist or not. He should get the last say in what is acceptable or offensive in terms of Asian-related stuff.  

And....

The advice I write here is also directed at me.

Because when I joked about Tim having the Coronavirus at the airport, he got a little uneasy. I wasn't used to that, because he's usually very accepting of that kind of humor.  I mean not just accepting, but he has that type of sense of humor as well.

Anyway, I got a bit defensive, and I shouldn't have done that. Well, also because as Tim has told me it's not really about offensive or not offensive. It was actually a safety issue. I mean what if someone heard us at the airport, believed us and panicked? Or what if our joking provoked a nervous, racist person to get violent?

So...yeah.

Tim sometimes does the misogynist act of mansplaining...and I do my best to not throw things at his face.  BUT there are situations where he does know more and his opinion has more weight...and in those times I should listen and accept.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Kangaroo in Adelaide

Today I saw a video of a kangaroo hopping around the city of Adelaide.

It reminded me of the olden days when I was confused about wildlife in Australia. Are kangaroos and koalas like our squirrels? Are they commonplace—hopping and climbing pretty much everywhere?

After questioning people, reading, and visiting Australia, I learned koalas and kangaroo are NOT like our squirrels. At least they're not that way in the city and suburbs.

They're probably more like deer where I live. We don't see deer roaming around our city or suburban streets.  BUT at our lake house, which is a bit more rural, we have had sightings. Yet even there, it's rare and very special for us to see a deer.

I'm not even sure if I've seen one. I can't remember.

I do know I've seen their poop. And I think my dad has mentioned seeing them.

I kind of remember my sister being worried about a deer that got on our property, and she wanted to maybe wrangle him out?

Anyway....

Yesterday I went on my first walk around the neighborhood since World War C began.  I've been satisfied with just walking around our backyard the past several weeks. But I decided I should probably venture out a bit.

I was kind of hoping to see some kind of rare wildlife; the stuff we've been hearing about—animals feeling more secure and free since humans are in hiding.

Maybe a fox or a bobcat...or a rabbit.

No such luck.

I saw the usual suspects—a bird, a squirrel, and a roly poly.

Our backyard actually gets more excitement—bees, spiders, lizards, squirrels, cardinals, doves, crows, etc.

Last year a baby raccoon was swimming or drowning in our pool. I assumed drowning and got him out. But then he was soon back in, so it made me wonder.

Oh! The other day I got a frog out of the pool. He was incredibly adorable.

I often feel confused when I take stuff out of the pool. I feel like I'm rescuing the various animals. But then I wonder, what if they wanted to be in there?

Well.....

You know, I'm not outside 24/7. There is plenty of time for them to swim without me pulling them out.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online

Expecting Future Gaslighting

I think as much as Trump is hated now, he will be hated even more so by history.

I think if we hadn't had World War C, Trump would have been somewhat forgotten. He might have been an obscure blip that people remember every so often. Decades from now, or a century or two, people might have said, remember when that reality TV host was president?

And another person might reply. Oh yeah. That racist, narcissist. What an ass. 

Or well...maybe he would be remembered for being impeached. That's not too common, so...sort of memorable.

Anyway, but now Trump is pretty much a wartime president, so I think he will be strongly remembered.

Though he has a lot of haters, he still has some very strong and vocal supporters...and also some quieter supporters.

I think, though, as time passes, some people will try to distance themselves from their past lives as Trump supporters. I imagine certain people in my family will eventually realize they're on the wrong side of history, and they'll try to write themselves onto the right side.

But I'm going to work hard to NOT be gaslighted.

I'm going to try to remember who spoke out against China's secrecy and early mismanagement of Covid 19 but didn't offer (even close to) equal criticism of Trump's early denial and mismanagement of Covid 19.

I'm going to remember who never spoke out against all the shitty things Trump did and said but on multiple occasions spoke out against people speaking out against Trump...and even used the term Trump-Derangement Syndrome. But strangely there was never any mention of an Obama-Derangement-Syndrome.....

I'm going to remember who spoke out multiple times against CNN but said nothing when Trump Tweeted support of the protesters risking all our lives...AND encouraged them to protect their Second Amendment. 

Now....

I could end up being totally wrong.

The Trump supporters in my family might end up staying loyal to Trump. They might continue to insist that he was a good president....or at least not as bad as media and the history make him out to be. And then they won't try to gaslight us about their Trump-supporting behaviors.

But I have a feeling....

Well, I think some gaslighting is going to happen.

Either they will try to gaslight us about the stuff Trump did and/or said...Tweeted.  OR they will try to gaslight us about their support of Trump.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Edited to add 2023:  I was VERY right about the gaslighting.  I don't feel a joyful feeling of vindication.  I feel...well, I feel the usual feelings that come along with gaslighting.

This House is Clean

I'm having more Poltergeist Covid 19 analogies.

In a recent post, I talked about how some of us are in the World War C stage akin to the chairs going funny in the Freeling's kitchen and Carol Ann (Heather O'Rourke) sliding across the kitchen floor. (I should also add the sports game magically switching to Mr. Rogers)

Then other people are in the more unfortunate stage akin to Carol Ann being sucked up into the closet void.

Later Tangina (Zelda Rubinstein) comes into the story. She pulls Carol Ann back from the void. Then she announces that the house is clean. I think the Freeling family was probably relieved; the audience members as well. 

Or the ignorant audience members at least. The smart ones probably knew it was too soon for the movie to be over.

World War C is probably far from over.

But Donald Trump and some of his minions have been trying very hard to Tangina us. 

I mean they're not literally telling us that this is over—that we're fine now. BUT I think their push to open up the economy pushes that message. 

And it's not a hard message to push seeing that many people don't believe there's a true danger in the first place.   

I just heard that our Texas Governor Greg Abbott is planning to open up things very soon. In 10 days. 

His initial plans are somewhat conservative. I'll give him that. He plans to open national parks, retail stores are going to have curbside pick up programs, and elective medical stuff will be back on the table.

Are we ready for that?

Probably not.

Seeing that in Texas, we haven't gotten to the child-stealing-closet stage yet. Well, I shouldn't say that. Some Texans have.  As of today, 428 Texans have died of Covid 19.  That's 428 families experiencing trauma and grief.

But we still haven't gotten to the point of hospitals being overrun.

Might we simply skip that stage?

Maybe.

I doubt it, though. Because there are just too many people being too relaxed with the rules. 

If this whole thing was a screenplay that I was writing, what I would feel compelled to write is this:

In the next few weeks, several cities/states relax their rules. People become more and more relaxed. Then in June....

Well, June makes March and April look like the easy good old days.  

I'd be killing off most of my main characters.

The thing is, Tangina saw a happy moment—a family reunited. And from this, she declared that the house was clean. The horror was over.

Or maybe, since she was a medium, she had some kind of psychic feelings to back up the declaration.  

Still, it would have prevented some grief if she or the family....or the parapsychologists showed some more diligence.  

But you know....my analogy isn't even really that appropriate.

It would work better if toys were still flying around the kid's bedroom and Tangina declared the house was clean. She might say, Yes, I know things look a little hectic in there. But it should be safe. And your kids really need to get back to playing in their bedroom with their toys. So go on. I give you permission to get back on with your lives.

Or the analogy would fit better if the curve was flattening. We were seeing hardly any deaths, hospitalizations, or positive test results.  It looks like things are okay. We open up the world again. And then...BOO.  The virus was simply hiding.  THAT would be more like Poltergeist.  

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

Missing Places

Some are advising that we don't read too much news about Covid 19.

We need to take breaks from it.

Of course.

Yeah. We do.

But I feel I'm actually better off getting a consistent dose of World War C via news articles, Twitter, Instagram, discussions with Tim, etc.

I do other things, of course. But World War C is frequently sprinkled in-between the other things.

Sometimes I take a long break, though. Or maybe it's not about length. Maybe it's the strength of the distraction.

It sometimes happens when I'm writing my screenplays. It happens when Tim and I sit down to watch our TV shows together—The Outsider and now The Handmaid's Tale.

I'll forget.

And then I remember.

Sometimes it's not even a negative feeling. 

Sometimes it's remembering and feeling, Wow.  Our life is actually as interesting, or more interesting, than fiction now.

Other times I feel a little bit trapped.  

I think I feel much less trapped than many other people—people who are in tighter spaces and people that are extroverts who love going out.

But I do feel a tiny bit trapped occasionally. 

In those moments, I feel like we're haunting our house. And like in Beetlejuice, if I step too far from the perimeter, the sandworms will get me. 

I think one thing that probably makes people feel more trapped is missing things—favorite restaurants, school, movie theaters, Starbucks, their grandma's house, etc. 

I haven't missed many places yet. The biggest urge/twinge I've had is for the food shop in IKEA.  It just came to me randomly one day.  I want to go to IKEA.

I also maybe miss the movie theater a little bit. That was one of the last places we went, so maybe that's why.

We've grown to love the Alamo Drafthouse. It's kind of far from our house, though. So we made a rule that we'd go once a month. 

We missed February. I think?

And then in the beginning of March, we went to see Birds of Prey.  I had the idea that things might be closing down and suggested that we should maybe see multiple movies in March...before the shit hit the fan.

The shit hit the fan before we got around to implementing that plan.

Anyway....

I had to take a bathroom break while writing this post.

While on the toilet, I started to think that this is kind of stupid. This post. Missing things. Because though, lately, I do miss certain places a little bit. It's nothing new. I often miss places when we're NOT stuck inside our houses. 

I long for places like Disney World, Sydney, New York, Japan, London....

So what's the difference between being stuck in my house when I feel like going to IKEA vs being trapped in Fort Worth when I want to be in Epcot or walking around Tokyo?

Still. It would be nice if we can all get back to life outside our homes. Someday. It doesn't have to be next week or even next month.  But I do hope in a year or so, we're saying things like, Remember that one spring where we all had to stay in our homes and so much in the world was closed? INSTEAD of saying things like, Remember way back when we used to leave our house and see other people...and we didn't wear masks and we didn't have to stay six feet apart? Sometimes we even hugged each other.  And we used to go to restaurants and stores and movie theaters. And we rode on airplanes? Remember that..... 

Well.... but more importantly. Hopefully we're alive.

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

My Coronavirus Update

I thought I would do a post about what's going on in my Coronavirus life.

First of all, I'll say it's easy for me so far.  It's mostly about staying home, and I'm one of those people in which that comes quite easy.

I'm quarantine-privileged.

We have a large house and a nice backyard.

Jack is homeschooled, so we didn't have to deal with the conversion from classroom to online instruction. Though he's college-bound fall 2020, and we're not sure how that's going to work out.

I have been cutting and coloring my own hair for the last sixteen years. I've only gotten pedicures and manicures for my wedding, my two sister's wedding, and one other time besides that. So that's not something I'm missing.

When we're not traveling, I'm a homebody. I prefer staying home to watch TV, read, surf the Internet etc.

We had no trips planned that needed to be canceled because of Covid 19.

All in all, staying at home has not caused me any psychological distress.

I actually like this world where we don't wear bras and our holidays and get-togethers are done on Zoom.

I AM scared of the virus. I'm scared of getting sick. I'm scared of family members getting sick.

I'm terrified of being on a ventilator.

But as long as I'm not reading horror stories or thinking about that stuff, I'm quite okay.

Right now, the horror is something that is pretty much happening outside of my life. Our personal stories are benign and/or distant.

One of my uncles tested positive for Covid 19. He was sick and in the hospital a bit. It was worrisome, because he has health issues. But he seems to be fine now....at least Covid 19-wise.

One of my cousin's lost a friend.

My nephew's teacher's husband died.

Right now, for my personal circle, we're like in the stage of Poltergeist where the chairs went all funny and Carol Ann slid across the kitchen floor.

It's like...Wow. This is all so weird. Tom Hanks is doing his Saturday Night Live monologue in his living room.

We haven't yet gotten to the stage in Poltergeist where Carol Ann gets sucked up into the void, and the clown doll tries to strangle Robbie.

I do recognize, though, that many people HAVE gotten to that stage.

For some of us, this is all very quirky. For others, it's a horrific nightmare. And there's no guarantee that any of us get to stay in the quirky box. Although, let's not pretend it's all equal. It's much easier to stay in the quirky box if you're not a medical professional or you don't work in a grocery store. Or if you live in a house with a yard rather than a cramped (aka cozy) apartment.  OR....if you don't have a home, period.

Anyway, back to me and MY life.

At this point, the most difficult thing is dealing with Covid 19 discussions with my family.

Information that we have shared from the mainstream media has been labeled by my dad as headline porn. I'm talking about something that was on USA Today, our local newspaper, and even Fox News.

But meanwhile right-wing propaganda is passed onto us without any sort of vetting. And I'm not talking just during World War C. Too many times, the past few decades, I've been sent links that are easily disproven by Snopes.

Today I got an email, from my dad, with a link that pushes the idea that the threat of Covid 19 is exaggerated, a hoax, not something to worry so much about, etc.

But you know how Trump goes back and forth?. One day he downplays it and then the next time he seems very concerned. We're getting the same mixed messages from my dad. 

On some days, Covid 19 is something to worry about, so blame China or the Democrats for distracting Trump with the impeachment. Other days, it's, this is just like the flu. People are making a big deal out of nothing, and we're screwing up the economy.

Anyway,

I prefer having Covid 19 discussions with people who do NOT easily believe conspiracy theories. Yes, I think having an open-mind is important, but that should be accompanied by research and critical thinking skills. And I especially do not want to have Covid 19 discussions with people who are prolific in sharing their links and viewpoints but then are antagonistic when others share the opposing viewpoint.

In other news....

I was very eager to use Zoom and finally got the chance to try it out.

I made little attempts to get people interested in doing it with me. That kept failing.

Then finally I caught the last bits of the family Passover seder. I was late seeing the invitation. But I enjoyed the two or three minutes.

That inspired me to be a little more assertive, and I started sing-a-longs. They've been complete disasters. It's hard to hear anyone and hard to coordinate and hear the music. But I have fun with it. I'm not sure if anyone else is having fun or if their participating to be charitable. Or if they're just really bored and needing some stimulation.

I've had two so far. The first was folk songs. The second was movie tunes. The upcoming one will be musicals...if there IS an upcoming one. I'm really not sure whether I'm contributing to my family or if I'm torturing my family.

Are they sitting around thinking, when is Dina going to have one of her sing-a-longs? I hope it's soon! Or are they thinking, Please God. Don't let me see a message today about another sing-a-long!!!

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Wanting Serena Waterford to do the Heel-Face Turn Thing

I have an unhealthy habit of giving people not only second chances but third, fourth, fifth, sixth....you get the drill.

This matches up quite well with my soft spot for bad characters turning good—Cole Turner on Charmed, Ben Linus on Lost, Scorpius on Farscape....

Joe Walsh from American politics.

So with this in mind, it makes sense that I have very strong desires for The Handmaid's Tale Serena Waterford (Yvonne Strzechowski) to turn good.

Okay, and there's also another factor. It was hard for me to get used to Mrs. Waterford being awful in the first place, because I'm used to Strzechowski playing such a sweet character in Chuck.

And no, I'm not saying Strzechowski isn't a good enough actress to make the two roles distinguishable. Quite the opposite, actually.  I'd say it's more like the stark differences make Mrs. Waterford's behavior even more painful to watch.

I am wondering now, though. Would I have even less sympathy for Mrs. Waterford if I never watched Chuck?

I'm not sure.

Anyway....

My feelings towards Serena Waterford really jumps around.

One minute I'm absolutely hating her and wanting to watch her suffer. Another minute, Serena  softens a bit, and I'm filled with so much hope.

I'm guessing our feelings are supposed to match what June, Waterford's surrogate slave (Elizabeth Moss), is feeling.

June and the viewers see a very tolerable version of Serena when she and June join forces and break the rules that forbid women from reading and writing. Serena writes, and June edits.

During this time, Serena confesses to June that she actually hates knitting. This indicates that she's not as married to being the domestic goddess as she pretends to be. There's actually is a part of her that misses the world where woman could read, write, go out to brunch, have jobs, etc.

But her husband, the Commander (Joseph Fiennes) finds out about the transgression and punishes severely Mrs. Waterford with his belt.  June visits Mrs. Waterford's room later to offer her compassion and/or help. Mrs. Waterford backs away from the closeness that seemed to be developing between the two women and orders June to go away.

Mrs. Waterford was rude...cold in her rejection of June.  But this is far from the worst we've seen from her.

Well, there's the main issue. Mrs. Waterford is party to June's kidnapping and June's separation from her husband and daughter. And  Mrs. Waterford watches and participates in her husband's monthly rape of June.

Mrs. Waterford is a slave owner who believes her happiness and freedom is more important than June's and all the other Handmaid's happiness and freedom.

In the first season, Mrs. Waterford drives June to where June's daughter Hannah (Jordana Blake) is now living.  Mrs. Waterford gets out of the car and talks to Hannah while June is locked in the car to watch, unable to talk to and hug the daughter that she loves.

Mrs. Waterford does this to punish, taunt, and threaten June. She comes back to the car and tells June that if HER baby (the one growing in June's uterus) stays safe, June's baby (Hannah) will stay safe.

Let me remind you of two things here.

A) The baby Mrs. Waterford claims as hers is actually June's. This wasn't just about borrowing stealing June's uterus but also her eggs. Not that it's at all wrong for eggs or children to go to another mother. But it's only okay when it's by choice. Not by force.

B) Miscarriages happen fairly frequently...well and especially in the Handmaid's Tale's universe.  Healthy pregnancies have become a rarity.  So Mrs. Waterford is asking June to promise the impossible.

Now I'm remembering another horrible Mrs. Waterford moment. In the beginning of the first season, she becomes suddenly less awful towards June. Why? Because June didn't ask for her menstrual "napkins". Her period is a bit late, so Mrs. Waterford assumes June is pregnant. When June gets her period and informs Mrs. Waterford, Mrs. Waterford angrily sends June to her room and keeps her prisoner there.  I'm not sure how long. A week? A few weeks.

Serena Waterford is selfish, cruel, and irrational. It's a horrible combination.

Yet, every time she acts a tiny bit decent, my heart fills with hope that she'll turn good, and she and June will eventually become BFF's.

What's worse is sometimes, in her soft moments, she's not even actually being nice to anyone. Sometimes it's just a matter of her showing that she remembers and misses the way things were in the past. For example, some of the handmaids start chatting about their favorite brunch places from the before.  Instead of scolding the girls for bringing up the past which, like in Wayward Pines, is a big no no; Serena jumps in and talks about her favorite brunch restaurant and meal.

So....

Will my messed up wish come true? Will Serena Waterford turn to the good side?

I'm not sure. I'm leaning towards yes.

I AM fairly sure, though, that if she does turn good, I'll somehow be able to forgive her for all the really shitty things she did in the past.  Just like I forgave Ben Linus for mental torture, murder, mass murder, manipulating others to murder, etc. 

Read my online novel The Dead are Online.  Please. I beg you.   

Victims Don't Have to Be Perfect or Completely Innocent

We're currently watching season 2 of The Handmaids Tale.

For those who don't know, the show is a dystopian tale where American women are raped and forced into surrogacy by infertile, Christian couples. 

The women-handmaids-are not only raped but also separated from their families, shamed, threatened with hanging, punished with cattle prods, forbidden from reading, forced to give up their names, and must speak with each other in hyper-religious phrases.

In the first thirteen episodes of the series, June Osborne (Elizabeth Moss), one of the victims of the dystopia, is resourceful, brave, and defiant.

She knows all this shouldn't be happening to her or the other women. She knows the people who are doing this are the villains. She knows she needs to fight back the best that she can.

In the 14th episode, "Other Women" that changes.

In most episodes, we get flashbacks of what life was like for June in the Before Times.  It shows how her world went from normal to things-are-getting-a-bit-crazy to shit-we-are-now-running-for-our-lives. The main thing in all this, though, was that June, her partner/husband? Luke (O-T Fagbenle) and their daughter Hannah (Jordana Blake) were happy together and loved each other.

In "Other Women" we are reminded of something we've been told before in small doses. Luke was a married man. June was the other women. We meet Luke's wife (Kelly Jenrette) for the first time  and she is far from happy. We see her hurt and anger.

Whether we can have sympathy and understanding for the other women or despise them...I hope most of us would not believe they deserve to be kidnapped, raped, and emotionally and physically abused.

June remembers this transgression as her escape from hell fails.

This memory alone doesn't break her. It's a more recent transgression that throws her over the edge.

During her complicated almost-escape, one of the helpers, Omar (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II), gets news that makes him try to break away from the plan. He tries to leave June.

June insists on him helping her. And by insist, I mean she stands in front of his truck and refuses to let him drive away.

He reluctantly brings her home to his unwelcoming wife (Joanna Douglas). Why is she not welcoming? She doesn't want to risk her own family.

And it turns out it was quite a risk.

June later learns that Omar was murdered by hanging.  And his wife now faces the same fate as June. She's been separated from her son and is now a handmaid.

The evil Aunt Lydia (Ann Dowd) a sort of headmistress of the handmaids, uses the news of the family's fate to get June to finally swallow the message that Aunt Lydia has been pushing thus far.  This is that June is a bad person and what's happening to her is NOT abuse. It's a path to redemption.

At the end of the episode, we see June is no longer strong-willed and rightfully angry about her situation. Instead, she's completely meek.

I think in our own minds and within society that in order to be deserving of sympathy, we need to be perfectly innocent. We have to be 100% good...or at least 90% good in order to not deserve shit being done to us. 

Another show I've been thinking about is Big Little Lies.  Celeste Wright (Nicole Kidman) doesn't believe she's the victim of abuse. Why? Because she has hit her husband back. She has fought back.

That was actually eye-opening for me, because I don't think I had ever seen an abuse victim presented that way.  I think, because of what I've seen in movies/TV/books, etc. the abuse victim is like June at the end of "Other Women". They're shown to be meek. 

What happens in the media and the courts when a person becomes a victim of rape or another crime? Their past is brought up to show how they haven't always been so innocent.

The idea is if they've smoked pot maybe they're kind of deserving of being shot.

If they have a lot of sexual experience, maybe they deserved to be rape.

Or if we're not going to go as far as saying they deserve being shot or raped...maybe we're just going to give them a little or a lot less sympathy. 

It's horrible for society to withhold sympathy and justice because the victim isn't perfect or completely innocent from wrongdoings. 

Note here: I am NOT trying to say that being sexually experienced or smoking pot is a wrongdoing.

But we all have our morals and our own moral judgements.

Anyway....

What I was trying to say, before I interrupted myself, is that although it's horrible for society to withhold sympathy, I think what is worse and more dangerous is when the victims themselves internalize the blame and shaming. 

It's often questioned why people stay in abusive situations. If it's not a matter of there being physical danger in escaping, why don't they walk away?

Well, I think "Other Women" provides one of the main answers. They stay, because the abuser brainwashes their victim to believe what they are experiencing is NOT abuse but instead rightful, needed punishment. 

If you confront a toxic person about something they've done to hurt you, instead of apologizing...or ALONG with apologizing, they will point out the wrong that you have done. Sometimes they lie. They say you did things you never did. But other times, they tell the truth. You did do something wrong.

A strong-willed person would reply with something strong and clever like, Yeah. I did do that. But we're not talking about all that right now. We're talking about this. Let's stick to the subject and we can discuss your grievances against me later.

But instead what sometimes happens is the hurt person is successfully distracted. Their anger is replaced with guilt and self-doubt. They feel this guilt and self-doubt about the mistakes THEY made in the past, and they also feel guilt and self-doubt for bringing up what had bothered them. 

Now, of course, if the so-called victim IS equally bad...or WORSE, that's a whole different story.

Like if June herself kidnapped women, separated them from their child, raped them, abused them, etc....would she be deserving of the same or equal fate?  I'd say...yeah.

But she doesn't deserve that fate for having an affair with an unhappily married man or for wanting a family to help her escape extreme atrocities. 

And maybe that's another thing to remember. It's not June who hanged the father and forced the mother to be a handmaid. She's not the one who committed these crimes, but Aunt Lydia convinces June to blame herself.   

That's another tactic of toxic and abusive people. They'll admit to a wrongdoing but then put the blame on you. 

I'm sorry I got so angry. You bring that out in me.

I'm sorry I'm so controlling. It's just that you.....

I'm sorry I hit you. It's just because.....

Yeah. We hanged that man, but it's because he was helping you. So it's your fault and you should now hate yourself and be eternally grateful to us. 

It IS okay to feel guilt and regret...even if it's for small things and even if it's for things that are not actually our fault.  This keeps us from being shitty people. But if we start to believe we deserve punishments that don't fit the crime or punishment for things that are not our fault, then....

Well, hopefully we'll soon come to our senses and regain our inner strength.