These are the things I hope to gain by labeling myself autistic.
1. Find like-minded people in terms of having special interests, sensory issues, awkwardness, etc. Though that's not to say every autistic person is going to be more my type of person than a neurotypical one. A so-called neurotypical fan of Coronation Street is going to be much more my type of person than an autistic person obsessed with cars or gardening.
2. Have a pathway towards being more understanding and sympathetic towards my current self and past self.
3. Have a pathway towards being more understanding and sympathetic towards other people whether they are autistic or not. Although I have be careful this one, because sometimes it leads me back to the path of excusing toxic behavior AND hating on myself instead of the person who is being toxic. I don't want to get myself into the mode of Okay. Yeah. He's gaslighting me. But this is because blah, blah, blah...and it's really sad for him. And why have I not been more tolerant. Is it because I'm a cruel, selfish person? Blah blah, blah.
I'm talking more about not judging people for forgetting to do something they said they were going to do, interrupting a lot, not liking spicy food, only reading nonfiction.... That kind of stuff.
4. Learn more about brainy stuff; learn new cool words like alexithymia and aphantasia.
5. Have a new set of vocabulary that explains aspects of my life such as special interests (which sounds better than obsession), hyperfocusing, info-dumping, stimming, etc.
6. Participate in advocacy that pushes the idea of autism is a difference and usually very cool rather than autism is a disease that needs to be cured, treated, overcome, etc.
7. Embrace aspects of autistic behavior and culture that I highly value such as pursuing special interests; avoiding small talk and pushing for more engaging conversation; being honest and open; stimming, etc.
8. Be okay with not wanting or not being able to do certain things...such as driving, wearing jeans, and often going to social gathering. BUT also be okay with not being okay with not being able to do certain things...and work on improving those things. For example, I've lost a lot of ability to multi-task, and I'd like to be able to gain some of that back.
9. Love my autistic self but also be welcoming and accepting when I'm feeling unusually neurotypical. Yesterday I had a strong desire to stand outside with the neighbors to watch the fireworks together. I usually don't like hanging out with neighbors or watching fireworks. But yesterday I felt differently about all that. I embraced it and had a good time.
And
This is what I want to NOT do or feel with labeling myself as autistic
1. Have an Us vs Them mentality when it comes to autistic vs neurotypical or neurodivergent vs. neurotypical or disabled vs abled.
2. Get the idea that people need to be more sympathetic and tolerant towards me because I have the label of autism...or even (someday) an official diagnosis. People should already be accepting of my quirks. Just as I should be accepting of theirs.
3. Worry that I'm not autistic enough. As in.... fretting that I like grocery stores and people playing with my hair (if they have clean hands!)...or like the other day when I felt shame, because I tried not having eye contact while talking to someone, and I realized that made me even more uncomfortable than eye contact.
4. Get the idea that my sensitivities and challenges are more valid and important than those who do not label themselves as autistic AND/OR believe that getting an official diagnosis will especially make my sensitivities and challenges more valid and important.
5. Change my (rather controversial) set of values and beliefs in pursuit of being more likely to be accepted by the popular people in the autistic community. I want to embrace their teachings that I agree with, consider their teachings I'm not sure about, and reject their teachings that I disagree with.
6. Use my autism as an excuse for why people randomly and mysteriously reject so I can feel less bad about myself....and avoid those borderline-personality-disorder-type-feelings.
No. Fuck that. Every time someone ghosts me, stops following me on Instagram, doesn't respond to my last message, fails to include me on something, etc. I'm telling myself it's because they don't like autistic people. As one of my MANY former friends once taught me. Sometimes delusions are good for our mental health.
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| Cartoon version of one of my younger selves. I was hyper-focused on that app a few weeks ago. |
Read my novel: The Dead are Online
You're really good at using writing to organize your thoughts. I have to let stuff rattle around in my head for a long time and force a structure before I can "let it out."
ReplyDeleteWell...I did have my thoughts a little organized before starting? Maybe. I did know I wanted to do a do and don't list...and had a few ideas before writing it down.
ReplyDeleteIf you're referring to the crossed out bit at the end...that was an attempt at a joke. I didn't actually write that and then change my mind.
No, sorry, I mean this whole exercise you're going through. You have a clear goal, and you're using your writing to get there. (I did get the joke) Anything I write rattles around in my head until I'm sure of what it's going to be, then it kind of explodes out.
ReplyDeleteOh! Okay.
ReplyDeleteI just saw your Tweet about Stacey at Disney. How long was she working for Disney? I think we watched the videos a lot when Jack was younger. But in the last few years, I don't think we often turned on the TV. Or Tim did sometimes but usually to watch regular TV.
She wasn't on the Magic Bus programming...was she?
Anyway....end of an era.
Speaking of...I kind of wish the Epcot changes weren't happening. It was hard enough without a pandemic. But with the pandemic...too many changes. It would be so nice to return to what's familar. Little changes here and there have always been fine...well difficult and then fine. But it seems Epcot's changes are going to be substantial.
Stacey was there 15 or so years. That was the only channel we had on in the room and we had it on in the background all the time. Honestly, I think we're always surprised we're actually there so that helps us believe it. She was part of the family. She wasn't on the busses, that was other videos, alas the busses are going away too. I think they expected the new train line to be in sooner.
DeleteYou're talking to someone who (with a single magic hours exception because my daughter wanted to try it) has boycotted Test Track due to being upset at losing the World of Motion. My vote is to bring all of original EPCOT back. Dreamfinder on Imagination, The Kitchen Kabaret (Cha cha cha!), Seabase Alpha, Horizons, all of it. I know I know "It's a theme park, grandpa, not a museum," But classic EPCOT was this special thing all its own, and its becoming more and more a standard theme park. At least we still have World Showcase.
I am SO with you on your Epcot plan.
DeleteThough....I guess I have two type of nostalgia. I have the childhood nostalgia of World of Motion, Listen to the Land, the Imagination pavilion, Horizons, etc. But then I also have a ton of nostalgia for the Epcot that I have gone to with Tim and Jack. And actually...I spent more time in that one. I think I'm equally attached to the current Epcot...or the Epcot from the past two decades.
Also...when I first read your reply I read it as "That was the only channel we had in the room", and I was thinking...well, THAT'S odd. I missed the word "on".
DeleteI don't know what I was thinking....maybe that in some period in Disney history, they only let you watch Stacey and nothing else.
Same here, I've probably spent much more time with my family in new EPCOT. But since my wife doesn't like thrill rides, my daughter has seen all the youtubes of past attractions and we own all the old Disney World albums, I feel we could transition easily.
DeleteHonestly, if they did only show Stacey, we probably wouldn't have noticed until it was close to the end of the trip and we checked the weather for the flight home.