My Advice on How to Be Kind and Accommodating Towards Quiet People

I write this post with people-who-have-annoyed-me in mind.

But I also write it as my younger quieter self towards my sometimes overly talkative self.

The advice below is simply how I would have preferred to be treated when feeling very quiet.  Not all quiet people will necessarily feel the same.

1. Don't be overly talkative and energetic. This is rude of me to say. I'm pretty much saying don't be yourself. I'm sorry. And again...as I said above, I'm sometimes overly talkative and energetic.  So I can relate to the difficulties in trying to control this.

When I was quiet, though...having someone be overly talkative and friendly intimidated me and made me feel even more shy.

2. If you're going to ask the quiet person a question, make sure you actually care about the answer. If they have the courage and ability to answer you, for shit's sake, please don't interrupt. Please don't talk over them. Now if you end up opening the flood gates (this happens sometimes), and they start going on and on and on and on....I can't blame you for interrupting them.   

3. If you're in a loud, boisterous group with everyone talking, look over at them periodically to see if their mouth is moving. They may be trying to contribute to the conversation but their voice is too quiet.

4. If the quiet person does start talking, please listen to them. Give them some attention. By this I mean listen and maybe ask them some questions to show you're interested in what they're saying. I don't mean embarrass them by saying something like, Oh! Look who's finally talking! or It's a miracle! She has a voice!

5. Do NOT be a bastard and exclude the quiet person. PLEASE!  Just because someone is quiet...even silent, this doesn't mean they lack feelings.

If you're with quiet-Jill, Karen, and Becky...don't sit there and say, Hey Karen and Becky...do you want to go get some coffee....then leave Jill standing there alone.

Now I'm not saying we always have to include everyone. If you have no connection to Jill, and she's just invaded your group, that's a different story.  

I'm talking about times where there is a connection. Let's say you're all cousins at a family reunion or you're at a birthday party sleepover or you're in a group project together, or you're coworkers in the same department.  

I would be very hurt if I was with my cousins, and they explicitly excluded me like that.

Even if you don't invite the other people by name, I highly suggest that you check to make sure the quiet person is tagging along, and if they're not....if you're walking away, and they're just standing there looking hurt or trying not to look hurt, call out to them and ask them to come along.  

I'm going to assume that most quiet people are like me and have major self-esteem issues.  There's a lot of questioning. Am I wanted? Do they all hate me? Are they trying to get away from me?

6. Be understanding if it turns out the quiet person actually does not want to go wherever you're going. Quiet people are also often introverts and might need their time alone. It's still nice to invite them, though.  I think most of us will appreciate it.  But we will stop appreciating it if you put a lot of pressure on us.  Instead of saying, Oh come on. Don't be a party pooper, say,  Okay. Maybe next time? And if you change your mind, text us.  

Me at my Madison birthday party during my much more quiet days.   From what I remember, those friends were lovely and kind.  

 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online