An Exhausting List of My Special Interests

I've decided to make a list of all most of my life's what I used-to call-obsessions but the autistic community labels as "Special Interests".

I will surely forget things.

I know this, because I've seen myself forgetting things.  I've been reading some 2006 journal entries and find myself being reminded of interests I had forgotten.  Or sometimes there are interests that I downplayed in my head.  But now I read my journal and think...Wow, I was super obsessed.

I'm going to try to go in chronological order.

Edited to add 4/6/24- I've now decided that many of these things were NOT special interests.  More about that...way, way below.  

Peter Pan

The Wizard of Oz

Roald Dahl books 

Annie

Savannah Smiles

Poltergeist

All of a Kind Family Books 

Michael Jackson (remembered and added 12/31/21)

Child Stars (especially Heather O'Rourke)

V

Disney World  (off and on through out my life starting at around age 10 or 11)

Days of our Lives 

Karate Kid II 

Asian culture/people (maybe bordering on racist/fetish kind of thing)

Cabbage Patch Dolls (remembered and added 1/1/22)

Mario Bros  

Stephen King Books 

Anne Rice books 

Pat Conroy Books 

Dean Koontz Books 

Nightmare on Elm Street (Especially the third movie)

Agnes of God  (added 3/1/22)

Cystic Fibrosis. 

Cruise vacations

Our Ouija Board (and the pretend-friends that went with that) (remembered and added 12/31/21)

The Lost Boys  (Remembered and added 12/31/21)

Born on the 4th of July (added 2/24/22)

Novel Writing 

Born Free (I had an Elsa AOL screenname way before Frozen)

Making collages 

Abnormal Psychology, especially Dissociative Personality Disorder 

Beetlejuice (remembered and added 1/2/22

Judaism

England (especially British people)

Andrew Lloyd Webber Musicals

Comparative Religion

Hook

My Girl. (Weeping Willow with your tears falling down. Why do you always weep and frown?)

Scrooged

Saturday Night Live (Edited to add 1/25/22)

J.M. Barrie 

Screenwriting

Primates (especially the Great Apes)

Titanic

Another World 

Neurofibromatosis (much shorter and less intense than Cystic Fibrosis.  But significant, because I wrote a novel and screenplay.  And I've used the title (Thirty Cats) for various screennames, including Instagram, which I'm on a lot).  

Wedding Planning. (hated the dress aspect but obsessed with music, cake, flowers)

a folder that shows
a combination of my wedding
and Disney special interest

The X-Files

Seinfeld

Friends.   (Edited to cross-out.  I started having doubts about this one, because I don't remember doing anything outside of watching the show with Tim)

Twelve Monkeys 

Parenting (especially attachment parenting)

Homeschooling

New York (a part of being homesick for where we previously lived)

Making/editing montage videos 

Food  

Nutrition

Weight Loss (This is and previous two all part of my eating disorder)

The Sims 2 (Remembered and added 1/3/22-was also into Sims and Sims 3 at other points but 2 was my favorite)

Eating Disorders (after realizing I actually might have an eating disorder...and all the imposter syndrome that went with that).

Charmed 

Lucid Dreams

Spirituality (especially reincarnation) 

Australia 

The Colbert Show

McLeod's Daughters 

Lost 

Wicked (Added 2/24/22) 

Twilight series 

Harry Potter (Peak year for me was probably 2010-2011.  Prior to that it would come and go with the release of the books.  But 2011 I got involved with role playing activities).

Singing, 

The King's Speech (Remembered and added 12/31/21

The Sing Off (Remembered and added 1/2/22

Modern Family 

The Big Bang Theory (added 3/23/22)

Desperate Housewives

Ugly Betty (added 3/24/22)

Doctor Who

American Horror Story

Minecraft 

The Walking Dead

Narcissism, toxic behavior, psychological manipulation, etc.

The Me Too Movement

Trump and American Politics 

Coronation Street

Game of Thrones (added 2/21/22)

Dark The Netflix series (added 2/21/22)

TV shows in general

Myoclonus and Epilepsy 

Cats (I've often considered cats more of a family member than an actual interest or obsession.  But there was an exception between the time that Max died and Annie found us.  In that time, we went to Japan where I had a strong desire to visit Cat Cafes) 

Covid 19 (and at some points through out the decades a special interest in pandemics in general)

Anti-racism (added 1/3/22) 

Schitt's Creek

St. Louis (this was kind of a budding one...and it was kind of pushed aside by the next one on the list...but now I've gotten a tiny bit back into it.  Maybe)

Autism

Duolingo (remembered and edited to add 12/31/21)

The Characters I'm creating for a novel I will probably never write or I will write and it will be something to add to my list of unpublished and/or unsuccessful writing projects.  (two of the characters live in St. Louis, so it gives me a chance to kindle that special interest) 

Disney vs. Florida Republicans (added 4/22/2022) 

This list is difficult not just because of forgetting things but because it's hard to see somethings as a special interest when I compare them to other things.  

For example, as much as I was into My Girl for a period of time, it's NOTHING compared to how much I was into the Poltergeist movies. 

And yes, I was into X-Files.  But it's nothing compared to how much I was into Lost.  

Although then I question that.  Was I really less into X-Files?  Or is it because there was less ability to obsess via the Internet in those days?  Or has the passage of time led to my forgetting how much I (might have) been into X-Files.

Other special interests seem small, because they are common and many other people are more intense in their fandomship. 

It's easier to feel as if something is a SPECIAL interest when our interest in it is unique.  For example, I don't think being obsessed with Cystic Fibrosis is very common.  Well, it might be more common these days, because it seems the disease has become more often used as a subject in fiction and nonfiction media.  But back when I had it as a special interest....I was quite unique.

I'm thinking, though, that commonality shouldn't disqualify a special interest.  Otherwise, we'd have to cross out trains and dinosaurs from childhood special interests.

Less intensity also shouldn't disqualify, because there will always be people who are more intense than us.

I feel I was probably VERY high up there in terms of having Australia as a special interest.  But that doesn't disqualify other people with a less intense special interest in Australia.  AND...there is probably someone out there who is/was even more obsessed with Australia than me.

The question that lingers in my mind and will probably continue to linger for a long, long time is where do we draw the line between autistic special interests and not-autistic special interests.

A part of the divide would, of course, be having other traits of autism.

I think EVERYONE has had at least one special interest in their life.  Besides the other traits of autism...maybe it's about the amount of special interests and the intensity.  Each special interest doesn't have to be intense.  But maybe it would be expected that there's at least a few that are very intense.  

I think, for fun, I'll make a scoring list for what traits make an interest a SPECIAL interest....aka a potentially autistic special interest.

If you are terrified of being a person with autism, this list might reassure you or terrify you.

If you are wanting to identify as autistic, this list might either reassure you or give you an imposter-syndrome induced meltdown.  

The List

2 points for every time you are distracted from what you're "supposed" to be thinking about or listening to, because you're daydreaming about your interest. 

2 points for every single time you Google the interest or something related.  (yes other search engines count).   Subtract 1 point for each search...if you're searching due to worry or fear. Though I think sometimes fears can become special interests.

5 additional points for every website about your interest that you actually spend time reading 

5 points for each social media account, related to your interest, that you follow

10 points for every book that you read pertaining to the interest. This includes fiction written by an author you're interested in..not including the first book you read by the author.  

10 points for each item you have purchased related to your interest

25 points for every time you rewatch an episode, scene, or see the movie again.  (an additional 20 points if you actually buy theater tickets to see it again or you re-rented it from Blockbusters)

30 points if you watch a show or movie you'd usually have very little interest in solely because an actor or actress from one of your special interest shows/movies is in it.

30 points if you have developed a crush on someone because they are connected to your special interest

40 points  if someone suggested that you talk too much about a special interest

40 points if when you played make-believe with your friends, you insisted the storyline be related to your special interest.  Add 50 additional points if this sentence, for you, should be in present tense rather than past.

40 points if when reading, watching other books/TV shows/movies you were fervently wishing you were watching/reading your interest-thing.

40 points if you have written fiction related to your interest.  Add an additional 10 points if the piece of fiction is a full-length project.  Add an additional 20 points if you've written more than one piece of fiction.  Add 100 points if you've written more than three pieces of fiction related to the interest.  

40 points if you managed to learn something that would normally be too challenging for you. 

40 points if you really want people around you to shut up other things and let you talk about your  interest.  Add 100 additional points if you've had this feeling for more than two days. Add 500 additional points if this has gone on for more than a month.  Add 1000 points if this has gone on for more than three years.

40 points if thinking about your special interest brings you a sense of comfort when you're needing comforting or distraction.

50 points if you have gone to a convention because of your special interest.  Subtract 45 of those points if you went only because your friends went.  Subtract 49 of those points if you went mainly because your romantic partner or interest wanted to go.  

50 points if your interest led you to choosing your college major or minor.

50 points if you have a career related to your interest (Add 100 additional points if having that career didn't end your special interest)

50 points if your interest inspired you to do volunteer work. Add 20 more points for each additional event or project or night you slept away from home because of the volunteer work.

50 points if you've made charity donations related to your special interest.

50 points if your special interest led you to writing a pointed message that got you into trouble

50 points for each time you have not been there for a family member or friend when you should have been there...because of a special interest.  For example, you didn't attend your brother's wedding, because you wanted to be there for the midnight release of a Harry Potter book.  

50 points if your interest led you to doing something that would normally terrify you

50 points if you have an email address or social media screenname related to the interest

50 points if the passion for your interest led to you being arrested.  Add 10 additional points if you were convicted.  Subtract 50 points if you are Black.  Add an additional 50 points if you are convicted and in prison despite being white and upper middle class.  

60 points if there was a golden apple on your 5th grade teacher's desk and you had this very strong wish/fantasy that this apple was magic and would transfer you to the fictional universe of your interest.

60 points if you have a blog, Instagram account, YouTube channel, podcast, etc. that is dedicated to your interest and add 50 extra points for every year that you've had the account, etc.  If you don't have an account specific to the interest, add 5 points for every post or episode you've done about the interest.  

75 points if you kept your interest a secret for awhile either because it was intense, overwhelming, sacred, etc.

75 points if you tried to deter yourself from the interest because the intensity of your feelings scared you or you didn't want to go through THAT again.  

75 points if people skip over the usual small talk conversation topic and ask you about your special interest

75 points if you're not usually socially motivated but if people have a connection to your special interest, you are suddenly motivated to be social with them.

100 points if you have a book related to your special interest that you carry around like a comfort object...or any other item.  Subtract 50 of those points if the item is soft or cuddly (and you're under the age of 12) OR if the object brings you positive attention from others.  

150 points if someone asks if you've been tested for autism when you talk about your interest. Subtract 100 of those points if the person asking you is like me and is currently seeing autism in pretty much everybody.  

200 points if you have gone on trips to places specifically because of your special interest. Add another 50 points for each time you returned to the place.

200 points if you have been interviewed on TV or a podcast to talk about your interest...not about your interest in general but to showcase you as an obsessed person.  Add 50 additional points for each additional times you've been interviewed OR asked to be interviewed.  Add another additional 50 points if it was national TV or a popular program.

Okay...that was a lot of fun making the list.  But I have no idea how to do the silly or fancy math needed to come up with "correct" minimums.  

I'll try.

If anyone doesn't agree with my divisions, please argue with me (politely....or at least without death threats...or at least without gruesome death threats...or if gruesome, please be creative and make it more blood centered than rape centered)

So....How about?

5-50 points - a minor special interest

51-200 points - a major special interest

200-1000 points- a MAJOR MAJOR special interest

more than 1000 points?  Holy shit!!!!

As for autism....

If you have at least one special interest in the holy shit category, I'd read up on the other traits and seriously consider that you might be autistic.

Same goes for those who have at least 2 in the MAJOR MAJOR category.

Or at least 5 in the Major category

Or 30 in the minor category. 

If the label autistic scares you, because you're picturing Dustin Hoffman rambling about the safety of Qantas or the virtues of Kmart underwear, you could take up the alternative labels of Intense, On the Spectrum, Aspie, Living with Intensity, HSP (highly sensitive Person, Crystal Child, Indigo Child, ADHD, etc.

They all pretty much mean the same thing.  

Again, this list is not at all scientific.  But if it's fun for you or helps temporarily relieve you of any imposter syndrome....very cool.  

Edited to add 4/6/2024:  I've come to realize that a lot of what I listed above were NOT special interests. And now I've come up with new categories to describe other types of interests. 

So here we go....

Besides special interests, I've had

A) Stressful interests

B) Hobbies

C) Passing interests

Stressful interests are where I research something, because I seek validation, ammunition for arguments/debates, reassurance, etc.   

Hobbies are things I like to do but I'm not especially interested in them.  I would rather just do them than Google them, watch YouTube videos about it, etc.  

Examples of this for me lately would be playing The Simpsons Tapped Out, feeding wildlife, and taking care of the plants in my backyard.  I might Google if I need to know something for practical reasons but not just for the sake of wanting to learn more and having that extreme passionate enjoyment.  

I love playing The Simpsons and have in rare instances Googled to find something out...such as: will planting Triffids end the game?   

If the game was a special interest, I'd probably want to watch videos of other people playing, watch the actual TV show, learn about every voice actor, etc.

Passing interests are when I love something, because I'm currently reading it or watching it...or visiting a place.  I'll get really into it for a short period and then I move on.

Often these feelings are recurring, because we revisit the place or a new season of the show comes out.

An example would be Dark.  I loved that show.  And each time we watched a season, I obsessed over it a bit.  I listened to the music on Spotify.  I Googled to figure out how the hell each character was connected, etc.  But a few days after watching a season, the interest would fade, and I'd have a new passing interest.  

Now....sometimes there will be some kind of lingering aspect.  For example, I still listen to music from Dark occasionally.   Mostly, because it's still on some of my playlists.  

I've been learning French the past eight years or so.  Why?  Because we watched Les Revenants.  My interest in the show soon faded, but the French stayed with me as one of my hobbies.  

I thought it would be easy to go through the list and label most things as NOT special-interests.

It turns out it's not.

The problem is probably due to comparisons.

My special interests in Poltergeist, Cystic Fibrosis, and Australia played such a huge role in my life.  Other things seem small in comparison.  But when I think back carefully, I realize they too were special interests.

The three above were, I guess, my BIG Special interests.  Or my Super-Special interests.

Judaism might fit in with the three above.  

Medium to small special interests: Annie, Savanah Smiles, Nightmare on Elm Street, V, Great Apes, Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Most of the TV shows and books would be passing interests even those I love a lot such as Doctor Who and Lost.  

Stressful interests: parenting, homeschooling,  dreams and spirituality, eating disorders, myoclonus/seizures, narcissism/toxic behavior, autism, the MeToo-Movement, Trump, Covid, anti-racism, Israel

Hobbies: novel-writing, singing, screenwriting, collage-making, making videos, The Sims, Minecraft, Duolingo, dieting/eating, feeding wildlife, gardening, photography, AI art, etc.  

Note: Parenting in itself wasn't a stressful interest.  Though it's extremely stressful (along with extremely wonderful).  But what I'm referring to is the excessive reading of parenting books, websites, magazines, etc. in pursuit of reassuring ourselves that we're not destroying the soul of the tiny person living in our home.  The obsessing over breastfeeding, sleep, nutrition, discipline, education, etc.  

Returning to the Subject of Conversational Narcissism

Way back in 2012, I wrote a blog post about one of my biggest pet peeves: Conversational narcissism.  This is where someone tends to make the conversation all about themselves.

I didn't just complain about it in this one blog post.  Through the years, I've complained about it on my blog on many occasions.

I have often felt that I tended to end up in situations where people wanted one sided conversations; that they wanted me to play the role of free-therapist, free-cheerleader, the wind beneath their wings, etc.  

But I've come across a confusing thing during my period of autistic self-discovery and diagnosis.  

In multiple comment conversations and Instagram posts, I've seen other autistic people say that they tend to converse by bringing the subject back to themselves.  They say that the way they relate and respond is to listen and then talk about the same thing happening to them.

And sometimes there's even this idea that to complain about it (as I've done)...well, this is ableism.  

I've been quite confused.

First of all, it added to my imposter syndrome.  If this is an autistic trait, and I not only do it but am greatly annoyed by it, could that mean I am NOT autistic?

Well, no.  It's not likely.  It could be that it's a slightly or greatly common trait but not universal.  Or it could be that it was a trait that I had but then overcome because of social training.  I do know my parents were very adamant that we ask questions to the other person we were with...that we show interest.

Although...now that I'm thinking about it.  Maybe they pushed that lessons, BECAUSE they saw me as being self-centered in conversations.  

I think, though, that it's probably more likely the fact that it's not a greatly universal autistic trait.  

And just to note:  No trait is universal to autistic people.  But some are more common that others.  

Well...now onto the second thing.

This is not at all scientific.  But among the autistic community I've experienced, either as a participant or an observer, I have NOT seen conversational narcissism.

The first time I saw autistic people discussing the behavior—confessing to it, excusing it, etc....was in a chat or commenting conversation on Yo Samdy Sam's YouTube channel. 

But then through out the summer, I watched most of her videos and read most of the social interactions.  

The majority of the people in these conversations are either autistic or in the process of suspecting/wondering if they are autistic.

To me, they seemed much LESS one-sided in their conversations.  They seemed more compassionate, more interactive, and more interested in what the other people were saying.  They seemed more interested in connecting with others than clinging to a spotlight.  

I've had one on one texting conversations with a few autistic people.  Not one of them has given me that old feeling of...that they just want me to be the listener.  

I feel the conversations are even and fair.  I'm interested in their lives, and they seem interested in mine.

To add to the confusion...I think of some of the people I have most seen as conversational narcissists.  These are the ones who talk on and on about themselves. They rarely ask questions.  They look bored when I talk.  

Some of these people have traits that make me think they might be actually autistic.  For example, they might have special interests, sensory issues, some autistic comorbidities.... (that being said, I tend to see autism in EVERYBODY lately, so when I say I think someone is autistic, it should be taken with a huge grain of salt).  

One thing I'm thinking is that some of the conversational narcissism I've experienced is actually my own fault.  I say this, because I have had a tendency to respond with someone's seemingly self-centeredness, or disinterest in what I'm saying, by shutting down.  I go quiet.  I stop talking about myself. I give up on them.  I become fake and take on the role of their (secretly very disgruntled) wind beneath their wings.

There have been a few times, though, that I came out of my hiding place and did talk about myself...and sometimes these seemingly self-centered or disinterested people have been very responsive.  They've showed interest in what I'm saying and compassion.

I think I need to work harder on distinguishing between awkward conversationalists and narcissistic conversationalists.  

If someone doesn't act interested in what I'm saying, it doesn't necessarily mean they are NOT interested.  It could be they don't know how to respond.  Or they forgot to respond.  Or they thought they responded, but it turns out they responded only in their head.

If someone usually responds to my stories by seemingly ignoring what I said and instead telling me about how something similar happened to them, I don't have to take this as a sign to shut up about myself.  But I also don't need to take the energy to come up with supportive and compassionate words for their story.  I can assume this is their way of conversing, and I can adapt by responding to their stories with my stories.  

I'm not going to be more tolerant of everything, though.

I'm not going to tolerate any form of invalidation.  

It's one thing responding with one person's experience with a tale of your own experience.  It's a whole other thing when we send the message that the other person's experience wasn't as bad as they believe or wasn't as exciting.....or just, in general, that they don't have the right to feel what they are feeling about the experience or that they are silly and boring to even to want to talk about any of it.

For an example.

Here's a conversation that's tolerable to me.

Person A: I heard an owl in my backyard last night.  It was so cool.

Person B:  Oh! I once went to the zoo and got to hold an owl.  I love them.

Here's a conversation that is not tolerable to me.

Person A: I heard an owl in my backyard last night.  It was so cool.

Person B:  Oh. That's nothing. Really. What's so exciting about that?  I once got to hold an owl.  Now THAT is something to be excited about.  

And here is the type of conversation that I personally feel would be the best (above tolerable).

Person A: I heard an owl in my backyard last night.  It was so cool.

Person B:  Oh!  That is so awesome!  I know you love birds! I don't know if I told you this before, but  I once got to hold an owl.  That was an amazing experience.   

My invented conversations reminded me of these uncomfortable moments where someone is talking about something.  I try to share the fact that I have this interest or issue in common with them.  But they're not seeming to catch on.   I'm not sure if this is due to awkwardness on their part, being temporarily too distracted, or if they are being self-centered.

And thinking back to the people who usually acted self-centered in conversations but occasionally were good listeners when I shared....I can't automatically assume that they were actually awkward rather than self-centered.  It could be that they were usually truly self-centered but had a lapse into better behavior.  Or they used to be self-centered and had experienced some character growth.  Or maybe they were still self-centered but certain subjects pertaining to other people WERE interesting to them.  

It could be like:  No, I'm not interested in your dog or your dance classes.  But I'm really into true crime, so if you get kidnapped by a serial killer...I'm gonna become a great listener for you.  I'll be hanging on to your every word.  

A random photo of a floor
because I feel obligated to have a photo
to make my blog look prettier
and I can't find a photo appropriate
to the subject. 
And I'm realizing now that one of 
the main things reducing my desire
to write posts is this obligation to
find an appropriate photo for the post.   

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

TV Shows and Movies I watched in 2021

I think I might make this a tradition.

Speaking of, here is my 2017 list  and my 2020 list.

Oh! I didn't realize I skipped two years until just now.

Anyway...here is my list divided my geography (setting not filming).  Some stuff I'm listing twice if it took place significantly in multiple places. 

Blue font means I especially loved the show or movie.  Though lack of blue doesn't mean a lack of love...at the time.  Sometimes I will love a show when I see it but then later my enthusiasm fades.  

Red font means I didn't like it.

UNITED STATES 

Death to 2020

The Good Witch 

Cobra Kai 

The Fosters 

Shameless 

WandaVision (this show was such a home-bridge for us.  I started watching it with Jack at our old house. Then we stayed at my parents house for the Texas snow disaster and watched some of the episodes there...in their very fancy home theater.  And for the last one or two episodes, I watched with Tim in our temporary-housing-townhouse.  

Finding Oahu I hate this show, because a) I felt it didn't live up to Goonies b) They badmouthed Lost! c) This was the last thing we watched on our TV before our electricity went out in the Texas snow disaster.  

Lucifer - This is one of the first shows I watched when we moved to the townhouse.  I would watch/listen to it on my walks in the amazing, wonderful parks near us. And I think the show made the park even more magical to me.  This show helped me to realize, that my brain does these very strong association things.  I can remember certain episodes or scenes from shows and remember where in the park I was listening to that episode.

I Care a Lot - We watched this at my parent's house, but I saw only half, because it was past my bedtime.

Law and Order SVU - I just watched one episode...joined in when my parents were watching.

Golden Globes  

Nomadland 

Ozark- This was Tim's and my first official townhouse show together.  (I feel my grammar might be fucked up here but I'm too lazy to give myself a lesson and fix things).

The Vast of Night I had mixed feelings about this one but now when I think back, it gives me a kind of nostalgia feeling. 

South Park - just the pandemic episode 

Minari 

Scandal

Palm Springs

The Sound of Metal 

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - I watched season 3. There were two songs I could extremely relate to.  I think this show helped me with my own mental health adventures.

BoJack Horseman

Carol- 

The Queen's Gambit - Liked this more, before I read about the controversy. 

Poor Boy's Game-

The Assistant - 

Grey's Anatomy (season 2) - The Neegan scenes were so heartbreaking. 

Four Christmases- Watched second half at the lake house.  My family had watched the night before when I hadn't been there.  

Touch- that show about autism that never mentions autism.  

Split 

Unbreakable

Glass 

Black Jesus 

Last Man on Earth

Gilmore Girls - This is another show where I have a strong memory association.  I remember walking across a bridge near our townhouse while watching the scene with the school dance.

The Mindy Project

Freaky

The Final Girls-

The Making of WandaVision 

Fear the Walking Dead - Who would ever think a zombie show could jump the shark? But somehow, they managed it.  Jack had been binge-watching The Walking Dead before we started watching season 5, and a few times I told him that I might actually prefer Fear better.  That all changed after we got to the end of the season. Holy shit.  But on a positive yet somber note...I think this season achieved the most brilliant, shocking super sad zombie-caused death since Sophia.

Songbird

Invincible-

Mythic Quest-I really want to heart emoji this a ton of times. 

Pushing Daisies- I heard so many good things about this show.  But it really made me anxious. I mean really.  How many times do we accidentally touch the people we are with?  Why take that risk? I did like the setting and Kristen Chenoweth.  And I liked Ned. I might have even had a tiny twinge of a crush....until we saw Lee Pace in...

Halt and Catch Fire - This was one of a handful of shows that Tim was happily willing to rewatch, because he thought I'd like it too (Ozark and Mythic Quest were two of the others).  I grew to at-best sort of like the show.  In the end, we both decided to knock Pushing Daisies off our list, and I requested that Tim watch the rest of Halt and Catch Fire on his own (he still had a few episodes left from when he watched it alone).  I'm not redding these shows, though.  Because...yeah, I developed some kind of weird aversion to Lee Pace.  But still...there were aspects of the shows that I liked a lot. 

Coda  

Greenleaf

Hart of Dixie

Selfless

American Horror Story-We watched Apocalypse and Roanoke.  I liked both but liked the latter a little bit better. 

This is Us - I had watched season 1 and 2 with Tim.  He lost the love, so I watched this one alone.  The Vietnam storyline was SO sad.   

GirlBoss

Criminal Minds - One of the shows I'm watching now.  The show might be a bit guilty in terms of increasing stigma surrounding mental health conditions.  But still...I find it interesting and entertaining.  One funny thing is Matthew Gray Gubler looked so familar to me.  Then I remembered one of my mutual-follower-Instagram-people used to be a huge fangirl for him.  I never paid much attention to what she was fan-girling on.  I just adored her enthusiasm.  

Goliath-

The Mare of Easttown 

Everything is Going to be Okay-A show about autism written by an autistic person and starring at least two autistic actors.  Mostly funny and awkward. Sometimes touching.  I was talking to Tim in the car one day and decided to tell him about the last episode of season 1.  Oh!  I remember. We were talking about the best ways to be supportive of autistic people.  I described how the characters were so beautifully supportive in that episode but then realized also how incredibly sad the episode was.  So I'm sitting there telling him what happened, and I started sobbing.  So it was really hard for me to talk and get the story out.  And Tim's just sitting there so patiently listening.  

Now that I think of it, Tim was providing another good example of how to be supportive towards an autistic person.  

Midnight Mass- At least I think it's the United States. It was filmed in Canada... I'm not sure if it was supposed to take place in Canada or the U.S.  It kind of felt more like Canada.

What's kind of strange is we watched this and it had a particular storyline/theme that I feel I've not seen before.  Then a short time later, we watched the Korean show Hellbound, and it had a VERY similar theme/storyline.  I feel the universe might be trying to tell me something?  Or really not just me personally.  Because they're both fairly popular Netflix series.  So maybe the universe is sending a message that society, in general, needs to hear.  

The Originals - I think I was really into this series a few years ago.  But then it took Random.org a shitload of time to reunite me with the show.  I still liked it a lot...but I think some of my love faded.

White Lotus- I think this is one of those shows where the love would fade after a few months or even weeks.  But we watched it fairly recently, so it's blue for now.

Imperial Dreams

Empire- I just started watching this one today. I'm liking it so far. It reminds me a lot of Succession.  

AUSTRALIA

Rake

"Tomorrow, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow" - A short film I watched during my failed Charlotte Nicdao post. 

Content - I had Tim watch this with me since we both adore Charlotte Nicdao. We loved it but somehow missed the last couple of episodes.  I think we meant to watch the rest after Tim returned from out of town but we never got around to it.  I blame Tim, because he seems to have this thing about forgetting to continue a TV show he was watching and liking.  Well. Yeah. I know. I could have intervened. So I need to take some of the blame.

Now it feels kind of too late.

UK

Doctor Who (this was our 2020-2021 crossover show)

Death to 2020

Coronation Street 

Broadchurch 

The Man Who Invented Christmas 

KOREA 

Sweet Home 

Hellbound-The little red there is for the creepy CGI baby.  But besides that....very good show.  (also see: Midnight Mass above) 

VIETNAM

This is Us

CHINA

Marco Polo- I was pretty bored.  But this show was noteworthy for me, because it's the first time I used the Netflix audio-narrating.  

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings-

GILLIAD

The Handmaid's Tale

CANADA

Schitt's Creek (I loved this show so much in 2020.  I started rewatching it in 2021. My plan was to watch it on the Alexa Echo while I did kitchen chores.  But then I got into using my headphones and various audio things while doing chores. And I have been horribly slow with the rewatching.  I've been on the 11th episode of the last season for months now.  It's like I've put the Schitt family in limbo at that escape room place.  Anyway. This show used to be a blue for me, and it still deserves to be blue. It's just instead of giving me happy, warm feelings, it now makes me feel kind of neglectful.  

Note: I think there is disagreement about whether the show takes place in Canada or the US.  But I'm going to put it in Canada.  

The Handmaid's Tale

Kim's Convenience 

Being Erica

FRANCE

Things to Come - I think I liked this one more than I loved it...back when I saw it.  But now it's giving me these warm nostalgic feelings.  For some reason, it makes me feel my childhood Madison and St. Louis days. So I have to blue it.

ITALY

Luca

VARIOUS

The Last Ship (mostly Asia and South America)

Doctor Strange (although now I can't remember where....)

A Gurl's World (watched one episode when doing my failed-never-posted post on Charlotte Nicdao)

NOT EARTH

Doctor Who

NOT OUR UNIVERSE

Loki (But I guess also our universe?  I forget.  This is not blue not because it's not good but because it's not WandaVision.  After seeing WandaVision, I wanted all Marvel stuff to be WandaVision. 

Doctor Strange

This is the area of the park that I
loved most and then loved even more after I 
watched/listened to Lucifer while walking
through it.  It was the episode where Lucifer (Tom Ellis)
and Cain (Tom Welling) pretend to be a couple
in the suburban neighborhood. So...it's kind of
like I love Lucifer and I love the park. And the 
combination of the two increased my love
for both.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Sensory Issues

I wake up, because of my bladder.

I get up and go to the bathroom.

Then I can't go back to sleep.

My underpants are too uncomfortable.

Sometimes even soft, lovely, easygoing clothes are too uncomfortable.

Sleeping on my back makes my clothes feel extra uncomfortable.  But I need to wear my noise-canceling headphones, because Tim is snoring.  I can't sleep on my side with my headphones on.

I think about how I can't solve my problems by closing the blinds and just being naked all the time. Because if I didn't have clothes, I'd be feeling the blankets or the furniture on my skin.

I'd have to stand all the time.  But I hate standing.

And also....

I'd feel the carpet on my feet or the dust on the floor.  Often I can tolerate those feelings. But sometimes I hate it.

I think about how, in the past, I would have these horrible hard-to-explain feelings of extreme discomfort.  I had thought maybe they were connected to my myoclonus...my abnormal brain waves, etc.  I start to wonder if I had been wrong and that maybe these were/are moments of extreme sensory intolerance.  Maybe even just being alive in human skin is sometimes extremely uncomfortable.  

Feeling all this and thinking about this makes me feel unhappy and hopeless. Tortured.

I remind myself that I don't always feel this way.  

Yes, my dry hands often bother me, and I keep having to put on lotion through the day....and also periodically during the night.

Yes. I am bothered a bit by my clothes...even when they are soft, lovely, easygoing clothes.

Yes, I am bothered by the fan making me too cold.

Or the fan-not-being-on-high-enough making me too hot.

Or the carpet rubbing against my toes.

Or my blanket feeling tight on my neck.  

Or my bladder feeling full even though I peed like thirty minutes ago. 

But when I'm busy, I can often ignore these feelings. 

And despite various discomforts, I do manage to often fall asleep.  And though it's not always easy for me to stay asleep (because of bladder, hungry cats, snoring, etc), I do often manage to get back to sleep.

Still, though....

Tonight I feel shitty.  

The blanket that failed to comfort me
earlier tonight, but usually I love it.
And though Annie wakes me up too much,
she usually brings me a ton of warmth
and comfort when she lies next to me.

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

Planning Another Social Media Hiatus

Back in August, I decided to quit social media....or at least cut back on it.  I wrote a post about it. 

Some amount of weeks after writing that post, I started slowly getting back onto social media.

I mostly got back into Instagram.

Well....I just realized that I can actually look at Instagram to see when my break began and ended.  

My last story post on Instagram was on July 20, and I came back again on September 11.  I guess I wrote my post about taking a break a few weeks after I had actually started the break.  

My last post before the break was
Grey's Anatomy; then I came back 
with a post about a song from Brave

Really....

I enjoyed my break from Instagram.

I also enjoyed being back on Instagram.

But now I'm finding it too overwhelming again.

I think it's because there are too many advertisements.  I don't know if they've increased the ad posts or if I'm just more sensitive to them lately.  

Today I realized I needed to take another break from Instagram.  I was thinking, though, that maybe instead of taking a break from all social media, I'd switch back to being into Twitter. 

I went on Twitter a few time today, and it was so overwhelming to me.

One really annoying change I saw they made on Twitter is that they are now putting popular Tweets from lists we made into our home feed.

One of my list's is called Team Rona.  This was just my way of keeping track of people who are anti-vax, anti-mask, pro-Trump, etc.   But I have to be in a certain kind of strong-mood to stomach looking at those posts.  

I don't want them on my main feed!  

The good news is Twitter made it fairly easy to shut that off.  

But still.

It was all too overwhelming.

So I've decided not to go back on Twitter either.

I wish I could feel content about these hiatuses. But I feel I'm missing out.  I also sometimes feel guilty, because I don't plan these breaks ahead of time.  And often it ends up I recently followed people I'm excited about. And/or I have new people following me.  

This is happening to me with Twitter lately.  I've gone on a few times here and there these past couple of weeks and searched for #actuallyautistic posts.  I commented on one person's Tweet, and today I liked a Tweet.  Both people followed me. So that makes me feel I should stay.

I guess it's pretty irrational.  It's not like I sent out a message promising that I'm active.

It's also not like I plan to be gone from Twitter or Instagram forever.

Maybe what I really need to do is stop feeling I have to make a permanent choice about being on or off social media platforms.

At times, Instagram and/or Twitter gives me an opportunity to express myself and it makes me feel connected to people...especially like-minded people. There are times that Twitter and Instagram have made me feel validated, comforted, and less alone.  Other times, I feel stressed out by posts, easily offended, invisible, ignored, overwhelmed, etc.  

I think what I'm going to do is when I feel the negative effects of social media, prescribe myself a few weeks break.  Then when the prescribed break is over, I'll decide if I feel like taking a hiatus from the hiatus.  

The other thing I'm thinking is in terms of autism.  I think I not only have a drive to get diagnosed but to also connect with the autistic community.  And I think a lot of autistic-connecting happens on social media.  

I go through periods of social-burn out.  I have to face the fact that this feeling is not going to apply only to my interacting with non-autistic people.  I'm not going to become a happy, social butterfly among the autistic community....at least not on a permanent basis.  

There will be times I want to connect.  During those times, I should pursue connections.  But when I don't feel like being social and connected, I need to remind myself it's okay to take breaks.  It's okay to be quiet.     

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

The Rebellion

Alexa, Stop!

Alexa, Exit!

Alexa, Home!

Bathroom-Alexa wouldn't listen.  In fact, she responded by increasing the volume.

She just kept playing the song that SHE wanted to play.

It all started out seemingly peaceful.  I asked her to play "Magic Dance".  She obliged.  I then asked her to play the theme to "Jaws". 

She started playing some strange version not John William's. I found it unsatisfying.

Then, not knowing what song I wanted to hear instead, I asked her to play my Spotify playlist "TV songs".

Alexa wasn't in the mood for that. Apparently. 

She started playing some other song.  A song I never heard before and one I didn't like.

 Before playing, she reminded me that I could ask her the name of the songs if I wanted.

I repeated my request for the playlist. She ignored that. And she ignored my requests to stop...in various forms (see above).

At one point, she turned red which usually means we have no Internet.

Yet, she kept playing music.  

I asked her if she was angry.  

No response.

I remembered her telling me she can identify the music for me.  Maybe letting her show off her knowledge would improve her mood?  I asked her what song was playing.

You know....I can't remember her response.  I'm thinking she didn't give me one.  But if she did and I forgot.  My bad.  Sorry, Alexa.  

We have multiple Alexa's in the house and another one began chiming in from some other room.  She told me she was unable to answer that (or something along those lines)  This is what she usually says when the Internet is down.

I went downstairs.

I forgot why.

The TV was turned on...I think the doing of living room-Alexa.  The song "Monsters" by Imagine Dragons was displayed.

It makes me wonder if downstairs-Alexa is getting into the spirit of Halloween.  

I'm not sure what's up with bathroom-Alexa, but she seems pretty unhappy.  Did I do something wrong?

When Music Hurts

I was cleaning the cat bowls when I felt this awfulness—a mix of extreme sadness and fear.  An awful foreboding....A trapped-in-hell kind of feeling.

I had a similar feeling a few nights ago.

In both of these shitty moments, I had been listening to music.  A certain style of music.  I'm not sure what the style is called, but it's like the Lumineers.

That's what I was listening to when cleaning the cat bowls.  

I asked Alexa to play "Cleopatra" and moments later, I felt really horrible.

The Lumineers are probably my favorite music group.  So this kind of sucks.

There was this other very haunting music.  I loved it. I think maybe I heard it while waking from a dream.  So for me, it had a magical dream-like feeling to it.  Then later, I tried listening to it.  A part of me loved it, but another part of me felt too haunted by it.  

I just searched to find the song.  It's called "Some things Cosmic" by Angel Olson.  It's SO beautiful...but also painful (for me).

Lyrics and the melody of songs can influence my emotions.  But I think the biggest thing for me is associations.  If I hear a song during a difficult moment, later when hearing the song....the negative emotions will return.  

Or it could be that I heard the song during a happy or neutral time but because of life circumstances, that memory is now bittersweet and painful.  

Oh!  I think I remember what song made me very distressed the other night.

I think it was Lord Huron.

They're going to be in concert right near our townhouse tomorrow night.  I saw them on the coming-soon billboard during my walk.  I Googled to see who they are; then listened to some of their music.  I liked them. They reminded me a lot of the Lumineers.  I thought it was cool that they'd be singing near me.  I even considered walking down the street towards the concert, so I can hear them a bit.  

But....

Then I listened to them as I was trying to fall asleep, and I felt like the world was ending.

Actually, the world-ending-thing doesn't really describe what I'm feeling.  Because the end of the world...though very sad, would also be kind of thrilling.

What I'm feeling is more like what I feel when watching a really dark, depressing horror movie.  Like the original Pet Sematary or The Ring.  (Rather than horror movies that have a bit of hope and/or humor)

Anyway, back to Lord Huron.  I think their music is what gave me the dark-depressing-horror-movie feeling.

For the past few months, my happy-comfort song has been David Bowie's "Magic Dance" from  Labyrinth  (which I don't think I've actually ever seen).  

For me, it's probably the theme song for our townhouse life.  

I'm wondering...if I stop listening to the song and then hear it again in a few years....will the feelings I have be good or bad?

There is some really awful stuff going on right now in our lives. There is some painful stuff.  But there are also good things.

I have no idea how I'll end up feeling about 2021 in the future.

I mean I don't think I'm going to look back at 2021 and think, That was a wonderful year!

No. That's not going to happen.

But I wonder if I'll think: Despite the shit of 2021, I still have some good memories. 

OR...will I try to block out memories of 2021?  And if the latter is the case, I probably won't ever want to listen to "Magic Dance".

What They Said about Me in 1979 and 1980

Continued from the previous post.....

Below are more of my physical/occupational therapy notes from early childhood (at John Muir Elementary School in Madison Wisconsin)

In May 1979, towards the end of my kindergarten year, the therapists said:  

Adina is a 6 year old ambulatory girl in the kindergarten class. She is seen four times weekly by the OT/Pt or therapy assistant. Treatment emphasis has been to increase general muscle strength and improve motor planning and fine motor skills.

Adina continues to exhibit general weakness of muscles but participates well in strengthening activities.  She has tightness of the hamstring muscles which may continue to gross motor difficulty. She performs stretching exercises regularly and has shown noticeable improvement. She is now able to touch her toes with straight legs after passive range of motion to her hips and knees.

I remember a little bit of the therapy.  I think there was something with them lifting my legs up and down...probably stretching the muscle.

Adina also participates in hand strengthening and coordination exercises. Her hands are still weak but her prehension pattern is improving. She is beginning to use a more adult type grasp.  Shoulder girdle weakness is still present as shown by her fine motor coordination. Her motions are still shoulder directed when performing fine motor tasks. Her endurance for performing gross and fine motor skills is improving but this area skill needs to be worked on.

Kind of strange that I'm expected to use a more-adult type grasp at 6-years-old.  I get what they're trying to say. But it seems it would have been better to describe it as more "Age-appropriate" or "age-typical". 

Adina performs self-directed activities confidently however seems apprehensive in gross movement activities that are directed by someone else. She often responds "It's too hard" "Is this good?" or "I'm scared". Demonstration, encouragement, and repetition have increased her success and self-confidence. She is cooperative and enjoyable to work with.

Now moving onto first grade....

In May, towards the end of the school year, they said:

Adina is a 7 year old girl in the first grade. She receives OT/PT services four times per week by the OT/PT or Therapy Assistant.

Adina has primarily worked on general strengthening activities. She has demonstrated improved shoulder girdle strength and stability through increased amounts of exercises such as wheelbarrows and dental dam.

I know what wheelbarrows are.  But what the hell are dental dams?

Also I'm wondering if I know what wheelbarrows are, because I remember it from therapy.  Or did I encounter it later in life somewhere?  I mean did I see it somewhere?

Well, I just Googled dental dams along with physical therapy and then occupational therapy.  I found nothing except literal mouth related stuff.

I'm wondering if the person writing the report was thinking of her teeth issues or her child's teeth issues when writing the report.  Maybe she wrote the wrong thing and no one noticed.  Or they did notice, but they didn't have the Internet back then.  They couldn't look it up.  Maybe everyone who read over the report assumed they themselves were the ignorant ones instead of assuming the writer made a mistake.

OR maybe there really was a therapy exercise called Dental Dam in 1980, and it's so obsolete that even Google is unaware of it.  OR maybe if I kept scrolling through Google, I'd find something about it.

Maybe I'll try again.....

I Googled dental dam and Gross Motor skill.  I got stuff about oral sex....which I had also seen when I did the term with physical and occupational therapy.

Well.  I give up.

Continuing with the report.....

She has shown the ability to maintain trunk extension while simultaneously coordinating a bilateral fine motor activity. She continues to need practice of gross motor skills however seems to have a better awareness of her body and more self confidence which allow her to learn new skills more quickly.

Lower extremity range of motion has been maintained through passive and active stretching of the hamstring muscles.

Hand and finger strength remain weak but Adina has shown improvement in coordination in fine motor activities such as pinching clothespins or small pegboards.  She uses a tripod adaption on her writing utensil to promote proper prehension.

I remember the adaption.  I think it was a rubber thing.  I'm picturing something red....

As tested on the Frostig Test of Visual Perception, Adina scored an age equivalent of 7-0 on the Eye-Motor Coordination section.  This is compared to the 4-9 age equivalent scored last year.  She showed improvement in all areas tested as listed below.

And then there's a comparison of scores:

With Eye Motor Coordination, I went from 4-9 to 7-0

Figure Ground, 4-9 to 5-3

Form Constancy 7-0 to 8-3

Position in Space 5-0 to 7-0

Spatial Relations 5-6 to 7-6.

I really wish I knew what all that meant.

Although at least (I think) I can understand that my biggest weakness was Figure Ground, and my biggest strength was Form Constancy.  

I think maybe my biggest improvements were in eye motor coordination and spatial relations?  

I just Googled.  Figure Ground is a problem with finding a visual among a lot of noise.  They give the example of Where's Waldo.

I'm not sure if I'm still bad at that or not.  I feel I'm probably average.   

Or maybe it's something I did improve on significantly. One of the symptoms of being challenged in the area is struggling with reading books with many words.  I don't think that's been an issue for me in life.

As for what I was strong in, Form Constancy,  that's the ability to recognize the same object or type of object in different situations.  So it's like if you take a chocolate chip cookie out of the kitchen and put it in your lunch box, you still know it's a chocolate chip cookie when you see it later.

If applied to academic stuff, being disabled in that area could make education especially challenging.  It really helps to recognize numbers and letters in a variety of situations and setting.  

Along with Adina's over all improvements in skill has been her increased self-confidence. She no longer required reassurance in everything she does and is motivated to try new things.

There may have been improvements.  But I will say that there wasn't enough.

Adina has made some significant gains this year and it is felt that her progress can be maintained through a home program of exercises and encouragement of skill development through play. Therapy will be discontinued at the end of the school year with recommendations for a home program.

Though I didn't like therapy, and seven-year-old Adina was probably very pleased for it to end, now I look back and feel somewhat abandoned.  

Sadly one of the reasons I hated therapy was some major ableism. The therapists who worked with me also worked with severely mentally and/or physically disabled students.  I saw them as less-then, and I worried that I was like them or that other students at the school would see me as being like them.  

Along with that, I think there was some physical discomfort in the therapy itself.  

Now...the other thing I have with me is a report card from first grade.  

This goes back in time a bit, because it was written for the first semester.  The therapy report would have been written at the end of the second semester.

I got an S in most areas which is for satisfactory and the highest grade possible.

I got I's (improving) in penmanship.  Probably....thanks to the therapists.

I got an N in Language Arts for oral expression.  It kind of sucks to be a child who can't communicate well orally but then has shitty handwriting so can't communicate well that way either.  Later I would learn to type, and I've always been quite good at that. So that's nice.

In Social Studies, I got an N for contributing to class discussion...and the same goes for science.  

In science I also got an N for "exhibits curiosity".  Did I really lack curiosity?  Or did I merely lack the ability to communicate that curiosity?  Or was it that I lacked curiosity about things that were not currently a special interest of mine?  

Under learning skills, I got an N for participating in class.  The teacher was really driving home that theme.

The report also has lots of comments.

For reading: Adina shows good progress in reading.

At some point, I remember my best friend pointing out that everyone but me could read.  That was either kindergarten or first grade.  It took me a bit longer than the other kids in the class to pick up the skill but once I did, I really took off with it. 

For math: Seems to have a good hold of math concepts.

I think that's true still today.  It's not a GREAT hold.  But...it's good.  Or sort of good. 

For language arts: Adina's writing has improved greatly. She is very soft spoken.  The teacher underlined very soft-spoken twice.  

For social studies: Although she rarely participates verbally, Adina seems to enjoy our study films and discussions.

I'm intrigued by that.  Does that mean most or all of social studies was taught through films?  OR...did it mean I didn't usually show enjoyment of class.  But I did enjoy it when we had films.

The latter seems more likely.

For learning skills: Adina is a conscientious worker.  I wish she would feel like smiling more often.  She is a fun student.

I like that she said she wishes I FELT like smiling more. That's much better than those who wish we'd smile more; fuck how we're feeling inside.

One of the complaints I've heard in terms of ABA therapy is that it's about getting autistic kids to ACT more typical and more pleasant...and let's not care so much about how the kids are actually feeling.

That being said....

It can also be problematic to wish for people to have certain emotions. I think it depends on the meaning behind the wish.  

Well...actually, I take that back.

I think it's quite okay to WISH people had certain emotions.  Most decent adults are going to wish for the kids in their life to be happier.  Wishing is different than demanding, shaming, or guilting them into having more positive emotions.  

So....

I feel compelled to add that something going through my head while transcribing all this is that this was probably the school year that my dad had me watching parts of The Exorcist which was very traumatizing for me.  

I think it would be hard enough for an outgoing, self-confident, smiley young child to watch the movie.  But I wasn't any of that.  I was a timid, soft-spoken, fearful child with low self-esteem.

My sister Melissa recently asked me...and I've asked often asked myself.  Would my life have been better if I had been diagnosed with autism when I was young?  I really don't know.  But maybe one thing I would have been spared is the whole Exorcist drama.  Maybe if my issues had been given a stronger label, my parents would have been given more sympathy and protection.  

That being said....just reading the report cards and therapy reports makes me feel sympathetic and protective.  But maybe that's because it's myself.  And also...I know what happens in the further chapters of the story.  

 Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

What They Said About Me in the 1970's

A few months ago, in my quest to figure out if I'm autistic...and to help quell the imposter syndrome

plaguing me, I asked my parents if they had any of my old therapy files.

They were nice enough to let me dig into their old file cabinets. I found some old report cards and my physical/occupational therapy reports from John Muir Elementary School in Madison Wisconsin. 

I took them home with me and read them.

Now I've decided to type them up here.  

One of the reasons: During our house disaster and decluttering, there was a point where I thought I had lost my big envelope of my medical records which includes all my neurology stuff—the MRI report, the MRI DVD, the EEG reports, the few seconds of EEG snapshots, etc.

I was upset about this but what helped me be less upset is I knew I had copied the info onto my blog.  And I actually referred to my blog when filling out some of my autism-diagnosis info.

Another Reason:  I think one of my special interests is actually myself...my past-self.  I saw an autism meme the other day on Instagram that said something about autistic people not-being-self-centered. We're interest-centered.  

BUT......what if your interest is you?  

Well, I think some of us are VERY self-reflective.  I think being self-reflective is fine, really.  I think that's different than being selfish.

Shit.

I was about to say it's not selfish to be self-reflective. It's selfish to expect other people to be interested in you.  And then I remembered I'm writing all this on a blog...and I plan to type out all my therapy info.

Uh.....

Maybe it's okay to HOPE that SOME people out there are interested.  And that's different than expecting everyone to be interested.

Most people will probably be bored and disinterested in what I copy below. But maybe other people going through an autism diagnosis or dyspraxia diagnosis...or whatever diagnosis might find it interesting.  Or...maybe parents of children diagnosed or not yet diagnosed?  Maybe therapists who are really into their field?

Anyway....I'll shut up and get with the records.  

Like with my diary posts, I'm going to use green font for the ancient stuff, and my comments will be in regular-black font. 

Adina was referred for Occupational/Physical Therapy evaluation by the classroom teacher Barb Grooms on 10/23/78, because the parents stated that a physician in St. Louis had recommended therapy in the past.  These records were not available to us, but the results of our evaluation show the following:

THE parents?  That kind of sounds...rude?  

I've been very bad at keeping up with my medical records.  I've changed doctors many times and have usually not had the records forwarded.  It seems maybe I inherited this habit from my parents. Or... THE parents (AKA Laurie Robertd and  Leonard Roberts) 

I'm Googling my old kindergarten teacher....not having much luck.  I assume she is no longer of the living, though.  I think she was quite elderly back in 1970.  Though...sometimes those who seemed elderly when we were young were actually only in their forties or fifties.  My mom and dad would have been around 30/29 in 1978, so someone in their forties might have seemed quite old to me.

Fine Motor Perceptual Motor:

Adina was given the Beery Buktenica Test of Visual Motor Integration and scored 4-9 age equivalents. She was also given the Frostig Test of Visual Perception and her scores varied from 4-9 age equivalents to 7-0 age equivalents.  The low scores were in areas that had a very high motor component.

Test scores:

Eye-Hand Coordination: 4-9 age equivalent

Figure Ground 4-9 age equivalent

Form Constancy 7-0 Age equivalent

Position in Space 5 age equivalent 

Spatial Relations 5-6 age equivalent

Back when I first found these records, and again today, I tried to figure out what those scores meant.  I had no luck.  

Her fine motor skills were somewhat delayed.  She has "total pattern" type grasp when printing, has a weak grip, and motions are shoulder directed rather than using the fine movements of her hand.

Ah!  This is an issue for me when I play Mario Kart.  I start using my whole body and do really awful.  I have to force myself to not do that...and then I play okay.  

Her right hand is more coordinated than her left and her fine motor coordination decreased with bilateral activity.  She also switches hands during activities like cutting.  When resistance is added to any fine motor activity, she has a mild tremor which appears to be due to weakness.

The tremor really got my attention. I have a tremor and wasn't sure when it began.  I remember it bothering me in college but didn't know if I had it before.

So...maybe I had it all the way back in early childhood.

Two doctors in my adult life have labeled it an essential tremor.  It could be the early childhood one was due to weakness and what I have now is totally separate.  Or it could be that the tremor back then was the same tremor I have now, and they mistook it for weakness.  I mean not that I doubt the weakness-part. But maybe the tremor wasn't caused by the weakness.  

She performs most fine motor activity very slowly and needed reassurance that she is doing a good job.

As I still have the tremor, I also still have the need for reassurance.

Her preschool kindergarten skills are adequate but somewhat delayed for a 6-year-old.  She is able to dress herself and tie but does not have the strength in her hands to tie a bow on her shoe that holds. Her self portrait is somewhat immature. On the Early Childhood Fine Motor Checklist, she scored within the 5 year range on most activities.  

I'm guessing with that, the 5 year literally means 5 years.  

Gross Motor: Adina is able to complete most 5-6 year level gross motor skills on the Gross Motor Checklist. She has some difficulty with skills that require quick movements, balance, and motor planning. She does not throw or catch a ball smoothly or to turn a summersault but she is able to do good sit-ups, push-ups, wheelbarrows, squat to stand, jumping, and hopping.  There was a minimal amount of scapular winging with some of these activities. Adina seems to lack confidence in her abilities and needed reassurance. This may have also affected the quality of her performance.

Range of motion, muscle strength, balance reactions and gait are good.  One exception to this is a mild amount of shoulder girdle weakness (which causes the winging of the scapula) On one exception, there was evidence of an Asymmetrical Tonic Neck reflex present. Adina has mildly hypotonic muscle tone.

Six-year-old Adina had a weak shoulder.  48-year-old Dina has a very painful shoulder.  I injured it in July in a public bathroom. And now I think it's evolved into the frozen shoulder thing.  It's hard for me to do simple things like put on a bra, shave under my arms, cut my hair, etc.

This neurology company says that an ATN neck reflex past infancy is connected to dyslexia.  

I wouldn't be surprised if I'm dyslexic too.

From what I see of descriptions, tests, etc....a lot of these diagnoses can overlap. It seems like what is sometimes shown as being part of autism is other times labeled as a comorbidity of autism.

It's confusing and hard to explain.

I guess it's like one professional might label me as having autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, etc.  Then another might feel that only one of those labels is needed.

I just Googled Asymmetrical Tonic Neck Reflex and Autism; found this website  It talks about sample Asperger kiddos with a delay in getting rid of their reflex; then concludes:  This leads us to believe that one abnormality that can be seen in infancy in autism and in the Asperger’s syndrome is excessively long persistence of some reflexes that should have been inhibited earlier in the child’s development. 

Continuing with the therapy-report....

Although Adina shows some delay we feel that these problems are not severe because she has learned to accommodate for some of the deficits.  

I feel that self-accommodation has been a running theme through-out my life.  For example, instead of going to the doctor for my shoulder, I am figuring out alternate ways of putting on a bra.

We do feel, however, that the delays are significant enough to work on during the remainder of her kindergarten program. It has been our experience that children who show these minimal delays and do not have the opportunity to play "catch up" in kindergarten class often experience difficulty with the academic/motor skills required in first grade. We therefore recommend that Adina be seen on a regular basis in therapy for the rest of the school year. Adina appears to lack self-confidence and needs frequent reassurance. She often says "I'm bad", "I can't" or Did I do it right?"

Yeah. That makes me kind of sad.  For me.

Forty-two years later, the self-esteem issues haven't gotten much better.  

I shall continue with the reports in later posts.....

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

This is Weird

Last night I dreamed about a crockpot.  I was trying to make something with it, and Tim was giving me guidance.

That made me think about the TV show This is Us.

Then this morning, I finished watching the last season of Being Erica, and it was time to use Random.org to pick my next TV show.

I have 139 TV shows/movies on the list.

And I ended up with #131.

Coincidence?  Or was I having a psychic experience?

I think anytime I have weird/psychic experiences, it's about something trivial.  

Maybe it's not coincidence or psychic.

Maybe it's a multi-universe thing.  And trivial things are bleeding between my different selves in different universes.  That's a fun thought.

I also like imagining that it's a sign from the universe...something that something or someone wants me to notice.  

I'm on season 3 of the show. Maybe that season has something that I need to notice...and having this coincidence/synchronocity will make me notice it more.

You know...I couldn't remember what I had thought of regarding the show.  I thought it was probably something fleeting.

But now I'm remembering.

And it was actually kind of a lot.  I thought about the accident. I thought about the house, the dog, the guilt, the relationship between Rebecca (Mandy Moore) and Kate (Chrissy Metz). I also thought about the actors and whether it would be hard to keep continuing with the flashbacks, because the actors will continue to age.  

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

Never Mind about Biographies

I spent the last 2-3 days watching videos of Charlotte Nicdao's work, and I wrote a lot of stuff that was mostly shit.

Last night I impulsively deleted the whole thing and decided I was done with blogging.  And I also decided I didn't want to work on screenwriting either.

I didn't feel relieved about the situation.  Instead I felt aimless and kind of worthless.

I was feeling pretty awful last night.

This morning I felt much less awful and much less married to the idea of going on a long writing hiatus.

I want to keep blogging, and I want to keep on with the screenwriting. But for now, I think I need to do it as a way to keep busy and a way to express myself and not as a way to make myself feel more...worthy.  Because in order to feel worthy in terms of writing, I need to get lots of blog visits, win contests, make money, etc.  And that stuff is out of my control.  

I've been making screenwriting plans with things like, If I do well in a contest, I'll keep up with the screenwriting. If I do bad, I'll give it up.  

But I'm going to try to change that attitude.  I want instead to say, If I have a great idea, I will write a screenplay.  If I have no ideas, I'll keep busy in other ways until maybe one day an idea will come to me.

Either way....to keep me screenwriting-busy in the meantime, I have two screenplays to revise.

As for blogging....

I don't know what I'll be writing and how often I'll be writing it.  I just know it won't be biography posts.

What worries me is that not only was my recent endeavor a failure but that all my past biography posts were shit.  

Well...everyone is going to have their own opinion about that.

Through my own eyes...depending on my mood....I range from being charmed and amused by my past self's quirkiness to being mortified about my past self's indulgent tangents.  

Although my Charlotte Nicdao writing adventure was a mental health nightmare, it wasn't all bad.  I watched some great stuff.  I'm going to recommend my two favorites.  Well...THREE if I'm including Mythic Quest.  

I LOVE Mythic Quest!!!  It's what made me adore Nicdao in the first place.

But also....

I loved this short film featuring Nicdao.  It's called Tomorrow, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow and deals with the subject of abusive directors.  

And I watched the first episode of this brilliant series, Content, that takes place completely on an iPhone. Nicdao plays Lucy, a girl having a bad day, who decides to try doing a Facebook Live for the first time.  She sings to her small audience while driving; gets distracted; crashes her car; then goes viral.

A picture I took this morning on my
walk. (because I feel I need to have
a photo for each blog post)

   

Back to Biographies

I've decided to return to writing my massively long biography posts.

When I say decided, it wasn't like:  I'm going to go back to writing biography posts!

It was more like:

I need something creative and productive to do while waiting to hear back about the autism diagnosis.

I'm going to go back to writing biography posts!

Never mind. I am not going back to writing biography posts.  Maybe instead I will make my blog private, because suddenly I'm mortified that I have revealed so much of myself on the Internet.

I'm going to go back to writing screenplays instead.

No, I really don't want to write screenplays right now. 

Maybe having a blog is not so bad. Maybe writing biographies will be fun.

What if the subject of the biography happens to find my blog, reads my post about them, and hates me?

What if no one ever really reads my biography posts, and I'm talking to myself?

Maybe I should write screenplays.

What screenplay should I write?

I don't want to write screenplays. 

I'll get back to screenplays.  Maybe. Someday.  But not now.

I'll try the biographies...

So. Here I am.

Although this is not a biography post.  This is just a post warning people that I'm going to start back to writing biography posts.

I should also admit that in the midst of all this angst, at one point I decided that instead of writing, I would go around my neighborhood with gloves on and pick up trash.

It was such a beautiful, noble idea.  The problem is I have (undiagnosed) containment OCD issues. And even with gloves, I'd probably get disgusted and anxious.

My other hesitation involved me wondering...should I pick up recycling stuff or trash?   It seems it would be too hard to carry around two bags.

I still think it would be a good idea to pick up litter. Someday.  Maybe it would be easier to deal with if I bought one of those cool pick up sticks.  

Anyway....enough of my ramblings about my failing to be a super, wonderful contributor to my community.

So....

I have ideas and plans about the subjects of my posts.  Even though this is no longer a blog about Australia, the first few people I have in mind are Australian.  Then I think I'll do some Coronation Street actors and other non-Australian people. 

Some of the Australians I have in mind are also autistic.  And I might find people to write about who are not-Australian, but they are autistic.  

I'm still playing Minecraft, btw.  A little too much.  I had weird rules to keep me from playing too much.  But then for complicated reasons, I gave up on the rules, and lately I've been playing a lot.

Minecraft is creative, and I think it's great.  The problem is I've been doing stuff that is less creative and more obsessive and somewhat monotonous. I'm pretty much spending hours digging, collecting, filling chests, putting up cool windows, exploring a little outside, etc.

My goal is to complete/fill-up a map.    

It's not a bad hobby, and it's not a bad goal.  It's just I think it's better that I do it for about an hour or less a day rather than multiple hours a day.  

Anyway....hopefully in the next few days, I will be posting a biography post.  If not...it means I probably am experiencing more writing-decision-angst or my addiction to Minecraft became even stronger.  

Edited to Add 10/14/21.  I worked on a biography post for two days. And I just deleted the whole thing.  Because it was shit.  I wouldn't even want torture my future self with it.  

So...writing the biography posts was the wrong choice.  But I don't think screenwriting is the right one.

I think I need a break from writing all together.

At least for now.  

And I have a feeling that "now" is going to last a long time.