Advice From My Past Self (Too Many Questions)

Lately, I've been reading my LiveJournal from 2006.

Sometimes I find really good advice from myself...advice that makes me wish I didn't have to go back and read the old entries in order to remember the advice.  I mean...that I'd probably be a much better friend, family member, acquaintance, etc if this stuff was ingrained in my brain. And I'd probably have much better mental health.

A post I read today was titled "more about questions". (note: I have locked most of my old journal entries for privacy reasons but am unlocking the ones I share in this blog...so it doesn't look like I'm writing new stuff and pretending my past self wrote it.  Why would I do that?  I don't know.  But....)

I'm still thinking about asking questions.

I probably do it too much.

I'm going to try to cut down on the questions I ask.

I think I was taught to believe that asking questions is a virtue of being a good listener.

I no longer agree with this.

People talk about what they want to talk about. I think asking questions is our way of saying "We don't want to hear about that. We want to hear about something else."

OR we're just trying to prove how much interest we have in others by bombarding them with questions.

I think questions can be useful when there is too much silence. Or you DO feel the need to show your interest or memory. Like you meet someone at a cocktail party and ask about their children. Proving that you not only remember they have kids....you remember their name.

But people we're close to? I don't think we need to ask questions. Well, beyond very general ones. I think a "How was work?" is fine. Then let them talk about it or not. And let them go in the direction they please. We don't need to sit there asking "Did you ask your boss about the raise?" "Did you have time to eat lunch?"

I know I've interrupted one of Jack's monologues to ask him a question that has nothing to do with what he was talking about. Or I make him linger on a subject when he's ready to move on.

I'm really going to try and stop doing this. Let people talk about what they want to talk about. Let people reveal what they want to reveal. And then actually listen.

I think what happens a lot is we ask someone a question. When their answer doesn't bring us satisfaction (they're not as miserable as we'd like them to be or their answer just bores us) we start asking other questions. But meanwhile, they're still trying to talk about the first question. They're not ready to move on.

Oh and yes there are times that someone is just plain boring and won't stop talking about their dog. So EVENTUALLY, yeah, I think it's fine to ask a question in order to change the subject. Or you could just excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.

I not only forgot this advice but have gotten annoyed at people through the years for not asking questions.  I would be annoyed at people for blabbing on about themselves in any email; then saying something like, I hope you are doing well.  I took that as probable dismissiveness: Thanks for listening.  I hope you're well.  But please don't talk about it. Let's keep the subject on ME.  

BUT....maybe I-hope you're doing well actually means: I hope you're doing well. And I want to hear about it!   

And maybe with some extra compassionate folks it meant: Tell me about the good stuff going on but I'm also hear to listen if there's shitty stuff going on.  

Now, this morning is not the first time I've returned to the idea that asking so many questions is not a great thing.  In the past year or so, I've come to realize too many questions annoy me.  It's pretty much for the same reasons I wrote in 2006.   Although it's probably less about interrogation these days and more about people asking and not listening.  Well...and I'm probably just as guilty as anyone else.  Unfortunately. 

My foot back in those olden days.
I still wore those shoes.
But sadly I rarely wear pretty
toenail polish these days

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