Shut Up!

Before almost any planned social encounter, I plead with myself to be as quiet as possible.

When I was young I was painfully shy and hated being that way.

But these past several years, I've wanted to go back to being super quiet.

Before the encounters, I tell myself to silently listen as much as possible. Blend into the background. If someone asks a question, answer it in as simple terms as possible. Try to redirect the question towards them.  But be careful. If you're too weird about it, they might get suspicious and ask even more questions.  OR they might bluntly ask, Dina. Is something wrong?

Maybe they'll say that in a nice way which is a problem, because you could end up crying.

There's more of a chance they'll say it with an aura of: Dina, once again you're being so weird. So, what's the problem this time?  

So yeah.

Keep quiet as much as possible but not too quiet.  

Smile and laugh.  Join in that way.  Be like a studio audience.  That's a safe way to participate.

* * *

I usually fail.

I go in planning to be quiet.  Quiet but friendly.

At some point, I become overstimulated.

I talk.

I talk too much.

I say too much.

I wish I could say that after the event, I feel content with what happened and realize how wrong I had been.

Nope.

Sometimes it happens immediately.  Sometimes it takes an hour or two.  Sometimes it might even take a day or so.  But eventually, I look back and feel regret and shame.

I worry I've revealed too much...that I've overshared.  And some of the stuff might later be used against me.

I worry I've said something to hurt someone's feelings.

I worry I put my foot in my mouth.  

I worry I wasn't warm and loving enough; that I was too cold.

I worry I've said something inappropriate.

I worry I didn't listen well enough or respond the best way.

* * *

I might be giving the wrong impression here.

It kind of sounds like I'm always taking center stage and hogging all the conversations.

In reality, I can be talkative but I'm often talked over and interrupted...especially when there's a group of us.  It's hard for me to get many words in before I'm cut off.  

It bothers me that I'm not heard.

It also bothers me and scares me when I am heard.

Even if I feel comfortable and content with reactions at the moment, later I look back and feel differently.  I feel people were bored by me or annoyed with me.  I imagine that they also miss quiet, sweet, polite Dina.  

* * *

I wish I could say that when I do succeed at being quiet, that I'm satisfied and all is well.

But that would be a lie.

I end up feeling invisible and unseen.  

Often when I manage to be quiet, I feel disgruntled and judgmental.   

Maybe it's because sometimes the other people made it too easy for me to be quiet.

They didn't ask me any questions.  They talked on and on about themselves. When I did try to say anything about my own life, they gave me a blank stare...or cut me off. 

I guess this goes back to the beginning and partly answers the question of WHY I tell myself to be quiet.

A lot of it goes from being embarrassed and ashamed of what I end up saying and the way that I say it.

But It's also predicting from past experience that I'm rarely going to be able to get past the first few words of my story.

That if I do end up getting to share a complete thought, there's a very good chance that I'm going to be bombarded with unsolicited advice.

That if someone asks me a question about something I actually do want to talk about...such as a trip I've just taken, they're going to quickly turn the conversation back to themselves and what happened to them when they went to that same place.  

That even if they listen with kindness...who knows what they're saying behind my back.  

That if I share something special, they will say something that makes me feel silly for thinking it's special or make me feel small with one-upmanship.  Raining on my parade. 

Keep those parades private and sacred.....

* * *

Well...so...that is why I tend to dread social events and why I can feel like my world is crashing when I go to one social event and soon hear that there is another social event I should be going to.

 

* * *

Do many other people feel this way?  A lot? A little? 

A tiny bit?

For the people who never feel that way or hardly feel that way....

I just can't imagine what that's like...to go to a social event feeling confident and to look back at the event still feeling confident and satisfied.  I guess these are the people who keep wanting more and more social events.  Right?  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online