1. Dreamed that I'm walking alone in Sydney, with the idea that Tim and Jack can meet me later. Some people look towards me and laugh. I wonder, to myself, if they're laughing at me; and if so, why? I look down at my clothes to make sure I didn't forget to put on a whole outfit—that I'm not half naked. Everything is there. I'm wearing contrasting patterns. I wonder if they were laughing at that.
I keep walking. I realize I'm walking north, and that I always walk in that direction. I decide I should turn east and go towards Bondi. First, though, I continue on the street I was walking on. I pass a nice little bathroom. It's just there—a small room, not inside any shop. I go into a store. I overhear people talking about buying flour. Someone asks where they bought it, and the other person says, in a bakery. I am wondering, if I speak to anyone, should I talk with an Australian accent or American one? I'm wondering if I even have it in me anymore to go Australian.
I start walking towards the exit, but then realize I haven't paid for what I was carrying. I go to the shopkeeper and say, I almost walked out without paying.
I think I was carrying flour, and it was one of those sudden dream changes thing. One second I'm overhearing a conversation about flour, and the next it's in my hand. I don't remember picking up anything to buy.
2. Started watching an episode of Neighbours.
3. Liked that Sonya (Eve Morey) and Naomi (Morgana O'Reilly) have a friendly conversation.
I really do have a weakness for enemies becoming friends.
I wonder why.
4. Started to watch an episode of Packed to the Rafters.
5. Learned that twitching is another word for bird-watching.
Cabo (George Houvardas) starts dating a girl who doesn't drink alcohol and doesn't eat read meat. His roommates are skeptical about the relationship lasting. Cabo has hope, but the bird-watching thing is the last straw.
I don't drink alcohol, and I don't eat any meat. I don't do any official bird-watching, but I do love birds.
I don't think Cabo and his roommates would be fond of someone like me.
6. Remembered that season one of Packed to the Rafters had a negative portrayal of a vegetarian.
7. Could relate to Nathan (Angus McLaren) and Chel (Gillian Jones) talking to Tom (John Howard). He's a con artist, and tends to lie. He tells people what they want to hear.
I don't have a con artist in my life, but I do have a couple of people who tell me things, and I sometimes doubt they're telling the truth. I guess it's because I've caught them in lies in the past. Or they too often have convenient reasons for things. Sometimes the reasons make sense, and I can imagine they might be telling the truth. Other times it sounds like complete bullshit.
8. Thought about Tom pretending that he does remember Chel from the past. He's trying to avoid hurting her, probably. I think he's also trying to look like less of an ass.
I've had times where I feel hurt by something. I confront the person who I feel has hurt me, and they come up with all these excuses. Or not really excuses. It's more denial. It's about getting me to think my perception and/or memory is wrong.
Sometimes this type of lying is done to make someone hurt less, but I think more often it's done in an attempt, by the accused, to not be labeled as guilty.
9. Thought of times where one of these people has apologized rather than try to rewrite history. I appreciate that much more than the lying.
10. Decided one of the hardest things is not knowing if someone is lying or not. It leaves me with a feeling of doubt. I doubt them, and I doubt my own perception of things.
I'm left quite confused.
11. Heard Nathan's anesthesiologist try to reassure Nathan by saying, If it's any consolation, I'm not nervous at all. We're not expecting any problems.
Personally, that would probably make me more nervous. The main reason is, I'm superstitious. I have this idea that if someone feels nothing can go wrong, it will go wrong. I think I'd also be bothered by the over-confidence of the doctor. How often, when things go wrong in surgery, was it expected?
12. Did feel the doctor was quite nice, though. He asked Nathan if he was nervous, and when Nathan said yes, he didn't act dismissive. He told Nathan it was normal to feel this way.
13. Thought what the doctor said was much better than saying something like, There's no need to worry. Everything will be fine.
14. Decided the best thing to do with people I feel are being dishonest is let them have their truth, and I'll have my own. There's usually no way for me to prove that they're lying, and they have no absolute way to prove they're telling the truth.
It's a waste of time to argue, usually.
15. Related to Nikki's post about not liking her passport photo and feeling down about that. She much preferred the one she had when she was younger. I have often felt down about aging and not being beautiful anymore.
But yesterday I decided to look at a family photo book. I wanted to admire my youthful beauty. I've had this idea that I was very beautiful in the past, and now I've grown ugly.
Well, guess what? I looked at me as a child, teen, and young adult. In many of them I was ugly! I made a weird face, or I wore unflattering clothes. Sometimes my smile looked faked and forced. There were very few pictures where I looked attractive.
Was I upset about this? No, it actually made me feel better about things. It kind of gave me some peace.
I think I've had this idea in my head that I was this great beauty in my teens, twenties, and thirties, and I didn't fully appreciate it. Or those were the good old days, and now it's all ended for me.
Now I'm thinking that, in the past, I was somewhat pretty but not amazingly beautiful. And I think these days, I'm kind of the same. I'm not some kind of horrible ogre. If I try to stand up straight, brush my hair, put on some decent clothes, and the camera doesn't catch me making an awkward face; I look somewhat pretty.
16. Started to watch another episode of Packed to the Rafters.
17. Amused by Nathan's mindset.
He's given one of his kidneys to his grandmother. He tells his mother that he's decided all the stupid things in his past were the kidney's fault, not his own. And now he's gotten rid of it.
I guess organ donation could be used as some type of cleansing ritual.
18. Thought that scene with Julie (Rebecca Gibney) and Dave (Eric Thomson) visiting Tom in prison was very representative of real life.
Dave is skeptical about his father, and at one point, decides he didn't want anything to do with him. Then he decides to give his dad a second chance. He visits with his wife and new baby. Julie is quite weary, and a bit uptight with Tom. After the visit, Dave gives Julie a hard time about her giving Tom a hard time. She defends herself, saying they need to be careful with Tom and careful about how much they reveal to Tom. He's a prisoner. They shouldn't trust him too much. Dave acts offended about this.
That's the rule about our partners and their family. They can complain. But when we add to the complaints they get defensive. It kind of works in the family member's favor, though. Let's say Tim gets mad at his sister, brother, or mom. He bitches. Then I bitch even more about them. Tim gets annoyed at me for being negative about his family. Then he becomes much less mad at his family member. By being a bitch, I actually help Tim's family relations.
Tim, on the other hand, is much more diplomatic. Or he tries to be. I bitch about certain family members that he adores. He defends them or laughs at them as if their behavior is actually adorable charming, and comedic. I get even more angry and upset, because I feel Tim is not on my side. I'm now mad at my family member AND Tim—feeling that the both of them are on one side and I'm on the other.
19. Thought about how there is a balance with all this. There are times that Tim gets mad at my family member with me. Sometimes he goes far enough that I feel he is on my side but not too far that I feel I need to be mad at him and defend my family member.
There are times where I can tell he is totally not on my side but is faking it in order to be a good husband. That's nice. I appreciate that he's trying, but it works better when he truly is on my side—when we're angry together.
It's not good when he is angry at my family member, and I'm not. This rarely happens, though. I make the mistake more often. I might speak out against one of his family members when he is not at all mad at them. This puts me in the position of being the bad guy in the story. I need to be better at not doing this.
20. Thought that partners can sometimes be helpful in defending family members IF the angry person feels their partner is usually on their side regarding this person.
If I have a family member that usually makes me angry, and Tim usually adores them; his defending them will usually make me more angry at the family member and also make me feel distant from Tim.
If there's a family member that has often angered both of us, if Tim defends the family member, I'm more open to listening to his viewpoint. I know, for the most part, we're on the same page.
So with Julie and Dave, it might eventually help that Dave knows that Julie shares his weariness about Tom. If one day, Dave is mad at Tom; and Julie defends Tom; he might be willing to listen to her viewpoint. Why? Because he knows, deep inside, that they're on the same page.
21. Wondered how Dave would have reacted if, during the visit to the prison, Julie was very warm with Tom and then later talked to Dave about how wonderful Tom is. Dave would probably get defensive and be negative about Tom.
Like I said, it's a major balancing act.
Disclaimer: Wanted to say that although I sometimes bitch about my family members and my in-laws, I love all of them.
22. Went to the Triple J 2014 list.
Today I'm going to listen to the 29th song which is "Somebody's Talking" by The Preatures.
23. Started to watch the video for "Somebody's Talking"
There's surfing, and an almost-empty club. Maybe it's an RSL club?
24. Saw underwater ocean shots of a woman on a surfboard.
Seeing stuff like that makes me expect a shark to appear.
25. Didn't like the song very much.
26. Started watching a Neighbours backstage video. This one stars Jenna Rosenow who plays Amber.
There's some funny stuff with Tim Phillips. He's a funny guy. At least I think so.
27. Thought that Jenna Rosenow seems serious. Or she kind of seems like the person who can easily do a practical joke, because she can keep a straight face.
From the video, she seems like someone who might joke sometimes, but doesn't often laugh.
Would that be defined as a dry sense of humor?
28. Looked up dry humor. Lord Wiki says it's a form of humor where one jokes around while keeping a calm or sincere facial expression.
So I was right about that.
29. Wondered if Jenna Rosenow is like that usually.
Or maybe she was in a dry humor mood just for that particular video.
30. Started watching part two of the Jenna Rosenow video.
31. Amused because Tim Phillips got confused and thought by dating Amber he was joining the Willis family. Jenna Rosenow has to correct him and tell him they're the Turners, not the Willis's
32. Saw Jenna Rosenow laugh for the first time in the video. Tim Phillips made a silly comment about Paige's (Olympia Valance) name. That apparently amused her.
33. Went to Jenna Rosenow's Instagram.
Her most recent photo is from three days ago. There are two other girls in the picture. They both look kind of familar, but I'm guessing they look like other people I've seen.
Or I guess they could be actresses too, and I'm seen them in some movie or TV show.
34. Saw a photo of donuts and chocolate.
Yum.
Rosenow ate at some restaurant with her boyfriend Chris Milligan.
35. Saw that the restaurant is called Mr Miyagi
I just watched a video yesterday that argues that Daniel was the bully in The Karate Kid. I don't think I'll ever be able to think about that movie in the same way again.
36. Saw photo of Rosenow and Morgana O'Reilly being pregnant together. According to people commenting on the photo, O'Reilly is pregnant in real life. Did I know that? I don't think I did.
37. Saw a very cute photo of Jenna Rosenow's grandma with a cat.
38. Liked Rosenow's post about binge watching. It says, I hate watching an episode a week, I'm more of a season a day kind of person.
I'm somewhere in the middle.
I don't like doing an episode a week, but I don't think I can handle a season in a day.
I'm more of a season in a week type of person.
But like a reasonable season. I'm not going to watch a whole season of Neighbours in a week.
39. Laughed at Rosenow's post about almond milk. WTF is almond milk. Almonds aint even got titties.
40. Reminded by this post that Rosenow is a Harry Potter fan. The fact is mentioned on her Instagram bio. I was going to mention it, but got sidetracked.
I miss my Harry Potter fandom days, and my Doctor Who love as well.
I feel like I've abandoned it. Or maybe they abandoned me.
41. Imagined that somewhere in my brain I have a cemetery for past fandoms.
There are so many of them.
Just recently I read an article about Desperate Housewives. That would be in my cemetery. I miss it.
42. Wondered if my Harry Potter love will return when the new movies come out.
43. Wanted to note that Jenna Rosenow has a LOT of dog photos.
I think she likes dogs as much as she likes Harry Potter. Actually she probably likes dogs more. She doesn't actually have many Harry Potter photos.
44. Found a Harry Potter photo. Rosenow is wearing a Harry Potter t-shirt. She looks beautiful in the photo.
She looks beautiful in many photos.
The girl aint ugly.
45. Thought that Rosenow looks a bit like Meg Ryan in the Harry Potter photo.
46. Liked what's said in this post. Sometimes I'm hungry. Other times I'm asleep.
I can relate to that, usually.
47. Saw Jenna Rosenow in an igloo. Did she actually make that?
I remember when I was young, living in Madison Wisconsin. I wanted to build an igloo. I probably tried, but I don't think it ever worked out.
48. Saw that Jenna Rosenow pet a tiger at Dreamworld. I think I'd be too scared. Jack and I just watched a video that talked about tigers killing people.
Then again, dogs kill people too and I pet dogs sometimes.
I keep walking. I realize I'm walking north, and that I always walk in that direction. I decide I should turn east and go towards Bondi. First, though, I continue on the street I was walking on. I pass a nice little bathroom. It's just there—a small room, not inside any shop. I go into a store. I overhear people talking about buying flour. Someone asks where they bought it, and the other person says, in a bakery. I am wondering, if I speak to anyone, should I talk with an Australian accent or American one? I'm wondering if I even have it in me anymore to go Australian.
I start walking towards the exit, but then realize I haven't paid for what I was carrying. I go to the shopkeeper and say, I almost walked out without paying.
I think I was carrying flour, and it was one of those sudden dream changes thing. One second I'm overhearing a conversation about flour, and the next it's in my hand. I don't remember picking up anything to buy.
2. Started watching an episode of Neighbours.
3. Liked that Sonya (Eve Morey) and Naomi (Morgana O'Reilly) have a friendly conversation.
I really do have a weakness for enemies becoming friends.
I wonder why.
4. Started to watch an episode of Packed to the Rafters.
5. Learned that twitching is another word for bird-watching.
Cabo (George Houvardas) starts dating a girl who doesn't drink alcohol and doesn't eat read meat. His roommates are skeptical about the relationship lasting. Cabo has hope, but the bird-watching thing is the last straw.
I don't drink alcohol, and I don't eat any meat. I don't do any official bird-watching, but I do love birds.
I don't think Cabo and his roommates would be fond of someone like me.
6. Remembered that season one of Packed to the Rafters had a negative portrayal of a vegetarian.
7. Could relate to Nathan (Angus McLaren) and Chel (Gillian Jones) talking to Tom (John Howard). He's a con artist, and tends to lie. He tells people what they want to hear.
I don't have a con artist in my life, but I do have a couple of people who tell me things, and I sometimes doubt they're telling the truth. I guess it's because I've caught them in lies in the past. Or they too often have convenient reasons for things. Sometimes the reasons make sense, and I can imagine they might be telling the truth. Other times it sounds like complete bullshit.
8. Thought about Tom pretending that he does remember Chel from the past. He's trying to avoid hurting her, probably. I think he's also trying to look like less of an ass.
I've had times where I feel hurt by something. I confront the person who I feel has hurt me, and they come up with all these excuses. Or not really excuses. It's more denial. It's about getting me to think my perception and/or memory is wrong.
Sometimes this type of lying is done to make someone hurt less, but I think more often it's done in an attempt, by the accused, to not be labeled as guilty.
9. Thought of times where one of these people has apologized rather than try to rewrite history. I appreciate that much more than the lying.
10. Decided one of the hardest things is not knowing if someone is lying or not. It leaves me with a feeling of doubt. I doubt them, and I doubt my own perception of things.
I'm left quite confused.
11. Heard Nathan's anesthesiologist try to reassure Nathan by saying, If it's any consolation, I'm not nervous at all. We're not expecting any problems.
Personally, that would probably make me more nervous. The main reason is, I'm superstitious. I have this idea that if someone feels nothing can go wrong, it will go wrong. I think I'd also be bothered by the over-confidence of the doctor. How often, when things go wrong in surgery, was it expected?
12. Did feel the doctor was quite nice, though. He asked Nathan if he was nervous, and when Nathan said yes, he didn't act dismissive. He told Nathan it was normal to feel this way.
13. Thought what the doctor said was much better than saying something like, There's no need to worry. Everything will be fine.
14. Decided the best thing to do with people I feel are being dishonest is let them have their truth, and I'll have my own. There's usually no way for me to prove that they're lying, and they have no absolute way to prove they're telling the truth.
It's a waste of time to argue, usually.
15. Related to Nikki's post about not liking her passport photo and feeling down about that. She much preferred the one she had when she was younger. I have often felt down about aging and not being beautiful anymore.
But yesterday I decided to look at a family photo book. I wanted to admire my youthful beauty. I've had this idea that I was very beautiful in the past, and now I've grown ugly.
Well, guess what? I looked at me as a child, teen, and young adult. In many of them I was ugly! I made a weird face, or I wore unflattering clothes. Sometimes my smile looked faked and forced. There were very few pictures where I looked attractive.
Was I upset about this? No, it actually made me feel better about things. It kind of gave me some peace.
I think I've had this idea in my head that I was this great beauty in my teens, twenties, and thirties, and I didn't fully appreciate it. Or those were the good old days, and now it's all ended for me.
Now I'm thinking that, in the past, I was somewhat pretty but not amazingly beautiful. And I think these days, I'm kind of the same. I'm not some kind of horrible ogre. If I try to stand up straight, brush my hair, put on some decent clothes, and the camera doesn't catch me making an awkward face; I look somewhat pretty.
16. Started to watch another episode of Packed to the Rafters.
17. Amused by Nathan's mindset.
He's given one of his kidneys to his grandmother. He tells his mother that he's decided all the stupid things in his past were the kidney's fault, not his own. And now he's gotten rid of it.
I guess organ donation could be used as some type of cleansing ritual.
18. Thought that scene with Julie (Rebecca Gibney) and Dave (Eric Thomson) visiting Tom in prison was very representative of real life.
Dave is skeptical about his father, and at one point, decides he didn't want anything to do with him. Then he decides to give his dad a second chance. He visits with his wife and new baby. Julie is quite weary, and a bit uptight with Tom. After the visit, Dave gives Julie a hard time about her giving Tom a hard time. She defends herself, saying they need to be careful with Tom and careful about how much they reveal to Tom. He's a prisoner. They shouldn't trust him too much. Dave acts offended about this.
That's the rule about our partners and their family. They can complain. But when we add to the complaints they get defensive. It kind of works in the family member's favor, though. Let's say Tim gets mad at his sister, brother, or mom. He bitches. Then I bitch even more about them. Tim gets annoyed at me for being negative about his family. Then he becomes much less mad at his family member. By being a bitch, I actually help Tim's family relations.
Tim, on the other hand, is much more diplomatic. Or he tries to be. I bitch about certain family members that he adores. He defends them or laughs at them as if their behavior is actually adorable charming, and comedic. I get even more angry and upset, because I feel Tim is not on my side. I'm now mad at my family member AND Tim—feeling that the both of them are on one side and I'm on the other.
19. Thought about how there is a balance with all this. There are times that Tim gets mad at my family member with me. Sometimes he goes far enough that I feel he is on my side but not too far that I feel I need to be mad at him and defend my family member.
There are times where I can tell he is totally not on my side but is faking it in order to be a good husband. That's nice. I appreciate that he's trying, but it works better when he truly is on my side—when we're angry together.
It's not good when he is angry at my family member, and I'm not. This rarely happens, though. I make the mistake more often. I might speak out against one of his family members when he is not at all mad at them. This puts me in the position of being the bad guy in the story. I need to be better at not doing this.
20. Thought that partners can sometimes be helpful in defending family members IF the angry person feels their partner is usually on their side regarding this person.
If I have a family member that usually makes me angry, and Tim usually adores them; his defending them will usually make me more angry at the family member and also make me feel distant from Tim.
If there's a family member that has often angered both of us, if Tim defends the family member, I'm more open to listening to his viewpoint. I know, for the most part, we're on the same page.
So with Julie and Dave, it might eventually help that Dave knows that Julie shares his weariness about Tom. If one day, Dave is mad at Tom; and Julie defends Tom; he might be willing to listen to her viewpoint. Why? Because he knows, deep inside, that they're on the same page.
21. Wondered how Dave would have reacted if, during the visit to the prison, Julie was very warm with Tom and then later talked to Dave about how wonderful Tom is. Dave would probably get defensive and be negative about Tom.
Like I said, it's a major balancing act.
Disclaimer: Wanted to say that although I sometimes bitch about my family members and my in-laws, I love all of them.
22. Went to the Triple J 2014 list.
Today I'm going to listen to the 29th song which is "Somebody's Talking" by The Preatures.
23. Started to watch the video for "Somebody's Talking"
There's surfing, and an almost-empty club. Maybe it's an RSL club?
24. Saw underwater ocean shots of a woman on a surfboard.
Seeing stuff like that makes me expect a shark to appear.
25. Didn't like the song very much.
26. Started watching a Neighbours backstage video. This one stars Jenna Rosenow who plays Amber.
There's some funny stuff with Tim Phillips. He's a funny guy. At least I think so.
27. Thought that Jenna Rosenow seems serious. Or she kind of seems like the person who can easily do a practical joke, because she can keep a straight face.
From the video, she seems like someone who might joke sometimes, but doesn't often laugh.
Would that be defined as a dry sense of humor?
28. Looked up dry humor. Lord Wiki says it's a form of humor where one jokes around while keeping a calm or sincere facial expression.
So I was right about that.
29. Wondered if Jenna Rosenow is like that usually.
Or maybe she was in a dry humor mood just for that particular video.
30. Started watching part two of the Jenna Rosenow video.
31. Amused because Tim Phillips got confused and thought by dating Amber he was joining the Willis family. Jenna Rosenow has to correct him and tell him they're the Turners, not the Willis's
32. Saw Jenna Rosenow laugh for the first time in the video. Tim Phillips made a silly comment about Paige's (Olympia Valance) name. That apparently amused her.
33. Went to Jenna Rosenow's Instagram.
Her most recent photo is from three days ago. There are two other girls in the picture. They both look kind of familar, but I'm guessing they look like other people I've seen.
Or I guess they could be actresses too, and I'm seen them in some movie or TV show.
34. Saw a photo of donuts and chocolate.
Yum.
Rosenow ate at some restaurant with her boyfriend Chris Milligan.
35. Saw that the restaurant is called Mr Miyagi
I just watched a video yesterday that argues that Daniel was the bully in The Karate Kid. I don't think I'll ever be able to think about that movie in the same way again.
36. Saw photo of Rosenow and Morgana O'Reilly being pregnant together. According to people commenting on the photo, O'Reilly is pregnant in real life. Did I know that? I don't think I did.
37. Saw a very cute photo of Jenna Rosenow's grandma with a cat.
38. Liked Rosenow's post about binge watching. It says, I hate watching an episode a week, I'm more of a season a day kind of person.
I'm somewhere in the middle.
I don't like doing an episode a week, but I don't think I can handle a season in a day.
I'm more of a season in a week type of person.
But like a reasonable season. I'm not going to watch a whole season of Neighbours in a week.
39. Laughed at Rosenow's post about almond milk. WTF is almond milk. Almonds aint even got titties.
40. Reminded by this post that Rosenow is a Harry Potter fan. The fact is mentioned on her Instagram bio. I was going to mention it, but got sidetracked.
I miss my Harry Potter fandom days, and my Doctor Who love as well.
I feel like I've abandoned it. Or maybe they abandoned me.
41. Imagined that somewhere in my brain I have a cemetery for past fandoms.
There are so many of them.
Just recently I read an article about Desperate Housewives. That would be in my cemetery. I miss it.
42. Wondered if my Harry Potter love will return when the new movies come out.
43. Wanted to note that Jenna Rosenow has a LOT of dog photos.
I think she likes dogs as much as she likes Harry Potter. Actually she probably likes dogs more. She doesn't actually have many Harry Potter photos.
44. Found a Harry Potter photo. Rosenow is wearing a Harry Potter t-shirt. She looks beautiful in the photo.
She looks beautiful in many photos.
The girl aint ugly.
45. Thought that Rosenow looks a bit like Meg Ryan in the Harry Potter photo.
46. Liked what's said in this post. Sometimes I'm hungry. Other times I'm asleep.
I can relate to that, usually.
47. Saw Jenna Rosenow in an igloo. Did she actually make that?
I remember when I was young, living in Madison Wisconsin. I wanted to build an igloo. I probably tried, but I don't think it ever worked out.
48. Saw that Jenna Rosenow pet a tiger at Dreamworld. I think I'd be too scared. Jack and I just watched a video that talked about tigers killing people.
Then again, dogs kill people too and I pet dogs sometimes.