More excerpts from my college diary.
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These excerpts begin with the second semester of my freshman year.
I feel so alone and homesick. I took the wrong choice to not visit anyone and sit in my apartments. I feel so alienated by my 3 bitchy roommates. (1/5/92).
I often felt alienated by roommates.
Then today Rolando got back. My hypothesis on him is he did many "chicks" in Aruba and then decided there'd be no one here for him. So he started remembering how I acted towards him the last week of school and so he said, "Maybe Dina's not so bad" and so he came back saying, "I had not much luck with the chicks." (1/12/92)
I think I've been neglecting Rolando in my transcripts. I'm not sure why. But the reason I'm ending the ignoring-of-Rolando, and copied the above (which I don't even fully understand) is, I dreamed about Rolando last night.
Dream: I go back in time. I'm taking a class with Rolando. There's the idea/invitation that I could have sex with Rolando. I'm not sure if it's a good idea, because it would be changing the time of when I lose my virginity. I am hesitant about changing the past. But then I decide if you want something, it's okay to change the past. It's only wrong to change the past if the only purpose for your action is to purposely change the past.
That kind of actually makes sense to me. If we're given the opportunity to relive the past; then it's kind of all meant to be. And if we follow our hearts (or hormones) maybe what should be will be. How do we know the present we left behind is the right one? Maybe we were sent back to create a better present/future?
I think this mindset makes more sense if the time travel is spiritual/supernatural. If it's science-fiction, then I'd stick with the idea of not messing with the past.
A feeling came over to me today which I've been waiting for. I am ready to start dating someone exclusively. I don't want a boyfriend. I just want a short-term boyfriend. (1/13/92)
I find this so exasperating. How deluded was I?
I've been reading the diaries! There's been seven years of wanting a boyfriend. But here I act like this is a new feeling? WTF?
From what I wrote there, it sounds like I had tons of guys wanting to date me, and now I was ready to pick one and settle down...for a few weeks.
1t was cool. In Bill's apartment, we had, at one time, a Hindu, Baptist, Methodist, Jew, Muslim, and Atheist. (1/14/92)
That IS pretty cool.
I met another guy at this ballroom dancing thing; really cool, looked like the guy in Dead Again. But I don't know if he has a girlfriend. SOUND FAMILIAR? FUCK IT! (1/23/92)
Nick and I got along really well this weekend.
I am happy that the guy likes me, but I am afraid he'll take away my freedom and stuff. (1/26/92)
I wasn't referring to Nick; though it kind of sounds like I was.
At some point I did meet a guy, and we had a very short term relationship. I can't remember his name.
I'm wondering, though, if he's the one from the ballroom dancing.
My guess (from memory and just knowing my own self) is that I finally found a guy in which I had a mutual attraction. But the attraction was mild, so I worried about being trapped by him. I think if my attraction had been stronger, losing my freedom wouldn't be the top thing on my mind.
AND...I don't think the guy was controlling in anyway. From what I remember, I think he was pretty laid back. I think I just feared having a boyfriend—probably realizing that to have one just to have one is less wonderful than one might imagine.
I saw Matt today. I like him. (1/28/92). Ah! I think that's the name of the guy I might have dated...short term.
I've finally had that God awful experience of going out with a guy and then him not calling. It's the worse I believe because you know initially they were attracted to you, but then something in your personality totally repulsed them. (2/2/92).
And that wouldn't be the last time.
I was going to say it would happen many more times. But really it didn't. It happened a few times—two incidents have stuck in my memory all these years.
Why didn't it happen a lot?
Because I started dating my husband the summer after I finished college. And since I started dating fairly late, I really had only four years of the whole dating drama. But...I think I had been on the PROWL since like...kindergarten.
Today was the day of confrontations.
All year my roommates have written nasty notes around the apartment, and today finally I wrote one too.
And I asked Matt if he was mad and he said no and we talked.
I hope he still likes me because I like him so much. (2/3/92)
I get the suspicion that my liking grew because he was acting distant.
I'm wondering what I wrote to my roommates....
Matt did call today but I wasn't there to receive his call, and I returned the call and he never called back. (2/4/92)
Did he call because he liked me? OR did he call because he felt pressured to and tried to call when I wouldn't be home?
I figured out the missing link of my screenplay which is abuse, and it fit so perfectly, but now my comedy will have to be a drama. (2/5/92).
I THINK the word is abuse. I can't read my handwriting.
Anyway, I think that's the first time I've seen my writing (screenplays, novels, etc.) mentioned in a long time.
Did I take a break from writing my first semester and was now getting back into it? Or was I writing all along but not mentioning it?
Jesse is not my friend anymore and I'm sad about that. (2/6/92). I don't think we had a big fight or anything. I think we just drifted apart.
And I can't remember if Jesse was there the next year. He left eventually...earlier than I did. But I can't remember when.
I really like Matt and I think he likes me, so that's working out, Thank God. Nick is still cool and I talked to Jesse today. (2/8/92)
Was I back to being friends with Jesse?
I doubt it.
I think I am in love with Matt.
With Carson, I was repulsed by his presence but when he was away from me, I'd miss him.
With Matt, I am so happy to be around him and I want him with me all the time. I even wish he were with me now.
But 26 years later, I wouldn't remember his name or how we met.
I think I'm one of those people who falls in love too easily.
Rolando was being a real jerk. He is so jealous. He started saying all these negative things about Matt, trying to get me to not like him. (2/9/92).
I'm paying more attention to the Rolando stuff now...since I dreamed about him.
I wish I remembered Rolando's last name, so I could Google him.
I'm hanging out with new people since I've met Matt: Marlo, Marty, Luke and others. (2/19/92)
So Matt didn't take away my freedom, but he did lead me to a new set of friends. I don't remember Marlo or Marty, but I was friends with Luke throughout my college years.
I think the change was for the best.
I was thinking about all this last night. The thing with the first group is, most of them were tennis players. That's why they were at the school. They were pretty much jocks, and I am so not into sports. The group was NOT a good fit for me, and I think I was drawn to them simply because some of them had sexy, cool accents.
Then again....
Maybe I'm being unfair.
It's not like the tennis players played tennis all the time or had constant parties where they got drunk in stereotypical-jock fashion.
I remember, and I saw from my diary, that we went to movies together. I loved movies back then. So maybe I wasn't with the totally wrong group of people.
Now that I am not totally infatuated with Jesse, I can look at him objectively and I find he is a wonderful guy. He is gorgeous, smart, nice, funny, great artist, great tennis player, doesn't overly drink, respects women, has a great accent. (2/22/92).
I'm wanting to scream at my past self, Make Up Your Mind About Jesse!!!!
My new "love" interest is the most outrageous.
First of all, a week ago, I felt dislike toward him because he diverted Matt's attention from me.
2nd of all, he's over Christian.
Thirdly, he looks like a claydude from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
4th he is a computer science major.
The plus sides (word I can't read) is he is fun to talk to, very nice, good but simple, sense of humor, innocent, sweet. And he was opposed to sexual comments toward himself in the school newspaper which shows he is not a Rolando. And he knew the Peter Pan song which is always a plus.
I was a fan of Peter Pan, J.M Barrie, Hook, etc. in those days.
I don't know who I was referring to in the diary entry; nor do I know why I was bothered that he was a computer science major.
I feel bad because as Brent likes me more, I like him less. (3/10/92). And now I don't remember Brent at all. Though I'm guessing he was the Christian computer science major who knew the Peter Pan song.
You know what I wonder. I wonder if he remembers me at all.
Does anyone remember me?
When was the last time someone from my college thought of me?
I saw Kirsty. She was nice but phony. Edie and Sheryl are snobbish towards me. Edie is nice when she's alone. (3/11/92)
I didn't have much luck with female friends in those days. Though it was probably mostly my fault. I was so boy-obsessed.
I think I am in "love" with Mike D. I admit I am fickle. But oh well. I really do like Mike. We went to the art museum together, the movie together, and then out to dinner, and then Doug and him and I had a sleepover till 4:00. Not orgy. I repeat not an orgy. (3/13//92).
Mike ended up being my first long-term boyfriend. And really the only one besides my husband.
As for that day...I had been sitting in the University Center. Mike came by. We talked. We ended up going to the museum together. I had thought it had been all casual coincidences that evolved throughout the day into something romantic. Later Mike told me he had been attracted to me and that meeting in the university center had not been as impromptu as I had believed.
Manipulative...but it's a manipulation I can stand behind.
I think it was sweet.
And I can't blame him, since I had done similar things. If I liked a guy, I would somehow know his classes, and I'd somehow find my way to the same buildings when he'd be walking to or from class.
Stuff like that....
I really think that I am in love with Mike. I am so scared I'll go to school and on Sunday things will have taken a turn for the worse. (3/16/92)
I had felt something between us but couldn't trust those feelings.
It's so hard to figure out if feelings are mutual or not.
When I first came to New York to visit Tim, I definitely had feelings for him. I had a crush from the first phone call, or even before that. He had never given me any strong indications that he had feelings for me. In New York, he started holding my hand. That gave me hope. But even then, I was skeptical. I wondered if he, perhaps, could be the kind of guy who's normally that affectionate with female friends.
I am so anxious to get back to school. I wish I could go back tonight. (3/19/92)
So...I forgot to mention. Mike and I had our potential-romance day on the Friday before spring break. Then I had to go home with the suspense hanging over me.
My family are fucking jerkheads. They gave me the guilt trip about going to Hilton Head and suggested going to Disney World. But then later, now, they give me the guilt trip about making them go to Disney World. The fake father keeps saying things like, "I'm not taking another trip with her ever again." Well, fuck him. I'm not visiting anymore this year and I'm never calling. (3/19/92)
I'm confused about all that. Did I want to go to Hilton Head? I can't imagine preferring Hilton Head over Disney, but maybe I was less of a Disney fan in that time period.
Today Mikey told me that he loved me. I love him so much. (3/28/92).
The "Mikey" thing really makes me cringe. I hope I never used "Timmy" instead of Tim.
Shit. Maybe I shouldn't be so negative. Maybe Mikey wasn't a term of endearment. Maybe it really was his nickname.
April called today. She's not doing too great. I don't think she's doing very bad, though. I hope she does better. (4/5/92).
I miss April. I regret not keeping in touch with her. I wish I had been there for her until the end.
Shit. I am totally in love now. It is so much fun.
I love to walk with Mike and let people be jealous of us. I know that's cruel and stupid, but I always had to be envious of others relationships. (4/16/92).
It would have been nice if, instead, of wanting revenge on the world, I was extra sensitive towards those without partners. I think (hope) I'm better at that now. Instead of purposely doing the shit, to others, that has been done to me, I try hard not to do it.
Change. At Allerton camp, every year was totally different. I'd go there thinking, Oh I can't wait to have fun with so and so like last year. But you'd end up hardly talking to so and so. You'd end up with new friends and whole new experiences. That's what college is like, except I thought it would change year by year, not semester.
Maybe that's what's wrong with me and the Wak-n-Hak camp. For me, every year is the same. Same conversations. Same problems. Same speeches. Same games. Everything is the same!
Fuck you, Dina.
The next time I went to camp, two of my favorite kids weren't there (April and Rachel), and almost all the kids in my cabin were different ones.
Who the hell longs for changes at a camp for kids with a terminal illness? I mean the best thing would be for the same kids to keep coming year after year after year after year. Because that would mean they're still alive, they're relatively healthy; and they're not having to avoid other kids with CF because of a fear of passing around bacterial infections.
I love Mikey forever. (4/28/92).
Nope.
I wouldn't even love him by the next year.
I am feeling doubt about Mikey. At school when we said our goodbyes, I'd worry that he no longer loved me. But in the morning, my fear would disappear when I'd see him. But now I don't see him and the phone doesn't help. I keep on having dreams where he no longer loves me. (5/12/92).
Summer-vacation-angst.
I feel as if my parent are pushing me into 2 directions. One side says, get out you have a boyfriend. No more family trips. The other tries to tell me, Mike and I just have a friendship.
Then Dad said the dumbest thing. When the conversation pointed to the fact that there was no sex, he took that as a conclusion that it is just a friendship. As if to say, if there is no sex, there is no love.
Then he wouldn't even say sex. He kept using the word lust.
How stupid. I already lust over Mike. I want to have sex with him. Well, I've wanted to have sex with lots of people, but wanting and doing are 2 different things. (5/28/92)
That's just all very...strange.
It's almost like my dad was insulting me for not having sex. Or was he just confused by the nature of the relationship? OR maybe he was confused over whether there were feelings of lust or not.
Welcome to Camp Wak-n-Hak.
Rachel's not here.
April's not here.
And all the CIT's are dead.
What a depressing day.
How could things get worse? (6/13/92)
It would get worse in some ways and better in others.
From what I remember learning, the CF camp thing became difficult. There was a certain bacteria—pseudomonas cepacia. It was wreaking havoc on the CF community. I think kids were kept home from camp out of fear of contracting it.
I never went back to camp after that year.
The next year, instead of having camp at a camp place they had something at a hotel. Or something like that. I'm not sure what happened after that year.
Oh! I remember now. A special camp was built for kids with various disorders. Different organizations would rent out the camp for a week.
I want to say the camp was called Crystal Lake. But no....I think that was the Friday the 13th camp.
Okay. I did some Googling. The camp is called Camp Twin Lakes.
They have a long list of disorders/disabilities and CF is not listed. So I'm thinking there might still be resistance to the idea of getting a bunch of CF kids together.
OR CF could have a camp elsewhere.
Anyway, I mentioned worse and better. The worse was that CF camp ended for me and probably ended for a lot of other people.
The good was that there's been significant advancements in CF treatments. When I first got involved, the average life span of someone with CF was in their teens. Now it's about 37. More and more people with CF are living into adulthood.
Click HERE for the index to my diary/journal posts.