More excerpts from my college diary.
These begin with the summer before my sophomore year.
I am on birth control pills. Exciting. So far there has been no benefits. Oh well. (7/1/92)
What kind of benefits was I hoping for?
These days I definitely see benefits. If I didn't take the pill, my vagina would be playing out scenes from a Wes Craven movie. I know, because I've stopped taking it for awhile. It wasn't nice.
I still don't enjoy my period, even the one that's influenced by ingested hormones. Because my myoclonus seems to lessen during my period and the week after, both my father and sister have made comments along the line that my period must be a nice break and that I should have more periods.
My periods are MUCH more bothersome than the myoclonus. I try and try to explain this to people. They don't get it. I'm so fucking tired of it. How hard is it to understand that I can be concerned by a symptom even though it doesn't cause me actual discomfort?
I won't lie and say I completely love Mikey and never have doubts. For in truth, sometimes I shudder at the sound of him. But most times my love for him is incredible. (7/12/92)
I'm not sure that shuddering at the sound of someone, this early in the relationship, is a good sign. It seems that would make more sense years after being together.
Today we got to London. We were all exhausted but went to Westminister Abby. There we saw a bunch of dead people. (7/22/92) Out of all the times I've had jet lag from international travel, I think this one was the worst. I feel tired just thinking of it.
Today we went on a bus tour and the zoo. I saw panda bears, lions, and one of the neatest things, an insect zoo. They had neat ant exhibits. I missed Mikey a lot but had fun. (7/23/92). I get the sense that my mind was shifting from "Mikey" to London.
Today we went and fed pigeons and they stood on our arms. Then we went to Kensington Park. I wish I could live here so I could feed all the pigeons every day. (7/25/92). I guess I was charmed by those pigeons.
Today we went to Stratford Upon Avon. I love it here. I wish Mikey would love it so we could live here together. (7/26/92)
I don't like France to much because it's hot and some people are so rude. But on the good side, the food is great and some people are very nice. (7/30/92) From what I remember, what I really didn't like about France was that it wasn't the UK. I really had London in my heart and wasn't ready to let go.
One thing I remember about France is it's one of the first (or first?) times that I purposely became quiet and withdrawn.I do this periodically. It's not like a silent treatment, where someone acts sulky and refuses to talk. It's more like I put on a mask of quiet friendliness. I'll be polite and cheerful but hide a lot of myself.
Now with France, I'm not sure if it was like what I described above or if it was more of a sulky-bitchy kind of thing. I do remember my dad making a comment about how he liked me this way. I'm not sure if that was a way of him being passive-aggressive against a traditional silent treatment; or if he was literally saying that he preferred it when I was quiet in my Stepford Wives kind of way.
Yeah. A Stepford Wife is how I feel when I go through the phase not in the inside but on the outside. The sad thing I've learned is that some men seem to prefer this kind of woman—as their daughter, girlfriend, wife, friend, etc. They want someone who is quiet, sweet, keeps their opinions to themselves, acts very interested and supportive of the man, etc.
Some women seem to prefer it as well.
Some women seem to prefer it as well.
Other news. My roommate is Susan and Jill. Susan and I get along great. I hardly know Jill. (8/25/92)
The main (not other) news was sex stuff. Though I'm a very open person in this blog, I'm not open enough to share everything. So....
Anyway, I can't remember Jill.
I am suddenly remembering that one out of the small handful of Jews at the school was named Jill. Was this her?
I just locked myself out of my room. Jill saved my life and Daniel came and opened the door for me. (8/26/92). Thanks, Jill. Sorry that I'm not sure who you were.
I don't see Nick hardly at all anymore. There's another British guy, Paul. He better have a girlfriend or I'll die. (9/15/92). What I meant was that there better not finally be an unattached British guy now that I had a boyfriend.
I loved Mikey so much today that if he asked me to marry him I'd go straight to a cathedral and do it. (9/16/92)
WHY a cathedral?
We went to the state fair. I hated it. Encountered anti-semitism. I hate that. But if they can be prejudice against Jews then I can be prejudiced against hicks. (9/18/92).
That was with my parents. I had gone home to visit them in Nashville.
I remember seeing Swastika....something. Maybe jewelry. At one point, I spoke up against someone selling it. My parents urged me to keep quiet. I'm not sure why. Did they worry I'd put us in danger? Did they not want an outspoken daughter? Did I embarrass them?
I love Mike. But he said something that hurt. He said I cry for myself. That's true half of the time. I guess I do feel sorry for myself but the other half of the time I'm crying over the sentimental life we all live. (9/18/92)
I still feel sorry for myself on a fairly regular basis. I don't usually cry about it, though. When I cry, it's more often about sentimental stuff. It happens kind of often.
It happens with political things lately. I started crying at the Hall of Presidents, because when they got to Obama a good number of people cheered. I cried at the March for Our Lives thing. I was embarrassed, which is kind of stupid. I'm sure a lot of people were crying or close-to-crying. But I was glad to be wearing sunglasses so nobody could see my eyes.
He was right. I think it is him that makes me depressed. He lowers my self-esteem. He does not accept me and he sees me as something I'm not. (10/10/92)
I remember this.
I remember being hurt, because I realized Mike liked me because I was quiet, sweet, and exotic/"ethnic" looking. I'm cool with someone thinking I look exotic/"ethnic". I'm not okay with someone liking me because they imagine I'm quiet and sweet.
This is something in life that I hate so much. I'll be quiet because of shyness. I imagine people will like me more if I become less shy and more talkative. I overcome the shyness. Then I get the idea that certain people preferred me being quiet.
Note: I'm not sure that Mike used the exact words, "quiet" and "sweet". But it was along those lines.
I am cured of depression. Now I am super happy. I have planned my life. I want to spend time in England, volunteer to help people, especially abused children, and be a writer. (10/12/92)
WELL....Does returning to England as a tourist count?
And I did end up being a writer. I'm not a paid writer, but still...I write.
What would college-age me think of middle-age me?
I don't think she'd be a huge fan. But that's okay.
On balance, I'm not sure how this me is going to feel about old-age-me. And vise versa.
I love Mikey now and things are great with us. We stopped saying "forever" and that's helped tremendously. I think I want him forever and I think he does too. It's just I hate saying it. (10/16/92).
Forever is a scary word.
Nick was super extra nice today. Made me a bit suspicious. But I decided just to enjoy it. I was invited to tag along with him on his student center errands and he asked me questions about my life as if he was truly interested. (10/26/92)
I guess that says a lot about how Nick usually behaved around me.
I'm thinking that there are three reasons why people act extra nice sometimes.
A) They're in a very good mood, and you're one of the beneficiaries.
B) They're in touch with their character flaws and are trying to make a change.
C) They're manipulative and want something from you.
Clinton won. I am happy about that. (11/3/92) I hope I can have that type of happiness again soon.
Oh yea. I've become obsessed with Judaism. Weird. (11/18/92).
I think that might have been the only time of I've been obsessed with a group that included me.
Someone is playing their music much to loud. It makes me angry. They're so inconsiderate. I am too sometimes. (11/23/92). I like the last line. I'm glad I recognized that I'm guilty too.
I think that's the thing about loudness. It's annoying when other people do it but much more tolerable when it comes from us. It's like the loud, obnoxious party sitting near you at dinner. Annoying as hell! But it's great fun when you're a part of a loud, boisterous party at a restaurant.
I saw Aladdin and I love it so much. I love the music. It gives me something to be obsessed with. This year my main obsessions are Judaism and J.M Barrie. Aladdin is just a minor obsession. I love Robin Williams. (12/1/92).
I don't remember J.M. Barrie being a major obsession. But...maybe it was? I did read some of his old books, and I bought a lovely copy of Peter Pan. I think we still have it.
I am so in love with Mikey. Besides him, I "love" Campbell Scott, Branden Fraser, Robin Williams, Kiefer Sutherland, Anthony Hopkins, J.M Barrie, and Aladdin.
He is so cute. I am in love with a cartoon. He is so hot. I just want to rip off his drawn clothes. Just kidding. (12/10/92).
When I was in my thirties, we were at Disney World. We ran into Aladdin at the Morocco Pavillon. I was all shy and flustered.
Then again, being attracted to a man in costume is probably different than being attracted to an animated character.
But you know...it's more than that. I'm starstruck when I see Disney characters. I KNOW it's just an employee in a costume. My brain knows that. My heart feels otherwise.
Anyway, back to my love list. I have a feeling it was guilt and obligation that led me to putting Mike at the beginning of the list.
Today was a rotten, terrible day. First Mike spent our last hour together reading a book and talking to Susan. I overreacted there. Then I forgot my pills.
Next I called Mike and he got mad at me for asking him to explain further a statement he had made. He overreacted. I have never seen him act in such a way and I've done worse things to him than trying to get him to share his feelings.
I wonder if we'd breakup? I'd survive if we did.
Today I remembered the last day I thought we were going to break up. I was actually happy. Of course I was happy too when I realized we were still going out. (12/13/92)
I wonder what I meant by worse things.
I was emotionally unstable when it came to relationships. I think I've been that way for most of my life. So it was probably something with that?
OR it could have been typical female guilt for standing up against male shittiness.
I am "in love" with our waiter Armando. He is gorgeous and adorable. (12/20/92). We went on a cruise. I remember this cruise as the time that my feelings for Mike faded away.
From what I remember, I was hurt by our last hours together. I felt rejected. Then somehow the feelings of rejected faded into a loss-of-interest.
That's not what my diary seems to be saying. There's a lot of Mike-love. I think, though, that I was trying to push myself to feel a certain way.
Okay, I love Mike. But today I felt like being a major slut and sleep with 20 guys in one night. I love to flirt. (12/21/92).
Yep. My heart was drifting.
Today was a rather good flirting day. The bus boy invited me to a crew party and I played blackjack with Matthew the British BlackJack boy. The boat is rocking. I feel sick. I'm trying to remember I have a boyfriend and that I love him. (12/23/92)
Never mind about my diary disagreeing with me. I just needed to read ahead a few days.
I am so confused about things. For the first time I have feelings for guys besides Mikey who are not movie stars. The three main guys are Matthew, Armando, and Vladimir. Matthew is a simple slight crush. Armando is a up-on-pedestal crush. Vladimir is a pity crush.
I hope to get over them by next week because I don't want to kiss Mike with Vladimir on my mind. I tell myself to forget them because I'll never see them again. (12/26/92)
My feeling about having crushes-while-committed is this. I don't think it's likely that someone's going to have a crush on other people when the relationship is going very well. If the chemistry is high...If our partner is our best friend...If there's more happy times than frustrating times; I think crushes will be unlikely. I think at most there will be a mild, vague attraction.
I think crushes happen when we're dissatisfied with the relationship. We might feel neglected. We might be repulsed by an aspect of our partner. We might be hurt or annoyed by something they've done and/or continue to do.
I know (from memory and the diary) that Mike hurt me the last time we had been together. I felt ignored and unappreciated. But I don't think that's the first time I felt that way with him. I think, on the cruise, I was seeking out something better. I seriously doubt any of the cruise-men would have provided that for me. Sometimes it's just about wishes and fantasy. We imagine someone is going to love us more and/or treat us better.
P.S-What is a pity-crush? It sounds harsh!
Today was not a great day. I bought a charm that didn't fit on the chain. The picture place messed up my cruise pictures. My stomach hurt. My camera broke. My unknown cousin didn't show up, etc.
I have forgotten my love for Mikey, but I am trying to remember it. (12/27/92).
I'm intrigued by the unknown cousin thing. Who was I referring to?