In my last post, I gave advice on how to be like Brett Kavanaugh. But I know there are some people (even men!) who want to learn from Kavanaugh's mistake and be better people. For you guys, I write this post.
1. First of all, by admitting you have some Kavanaugh-like flaws, you are already taking a huge step in the right direction. There are other people who take the time to ridicule and scorn Kavanaugh and refuse to recognize that they have some similarities. Instead of self-reflection, they go for the scapegoat route.
2. Respect women. And announcing that you respect women isn't a way of actually respecting women.
HOW do you respect women? I don't really know what to tell you.
If you've never had a woman complain that you're not respecting her, you're probably doing a pretty decent job. But if even one single woman has complained to you about a lack of respect, you can respect HER by listening carefully to her grievances. Try to understand her. Try to see her side of things. Make changes if necessary, and that will be a respectful thing to do.
3. Don't drink. Or drink responsibly. Be moderate. Try not to get drunk. And if people have told you that you're scary and obnoxious when drinking, stop drinking! Or cut back drastically.
4. Don't touch people when they don't want to be touched. This isn't just about penis and vagina interaction. It's about all touching—kissing, breast squeezing, butt pinching, leg stroking, etc.
And this isn't just about strangers or people you hardly know. This includes your coworkers, family members, friends, and romantic partners.
Am I saying you should always keep your hands to yourself? No! Touch can be a beautiful thing. But only between the right people AND at the right times.
Look carefully for a reaction. Does she look happy? Amused? Comfortable? Then proceed on. (but make sure you're not lying to yourself, because you're horny).
If she looks tense, annoyed, or SCARED...stop immediately.
5. If the above seems to challenging for you, work on learning to read facial expressions and body language. If you are very disabled in this area, perhaps talk to your loved ones and explain your shortcomings. You might be one of those who needs to ask for verbal, explicit consent before any physical contact is initiated.
6. If a woman comes forward and says you have hurt her, listen to what she has said and think about what she has said. If you don't remember the incident, you don't have to immediately believe her. But seriously consider the fact that there's a strong possibility she is telling the truth.
7. Do not PRETEND not to remember. This might have worked beautifully a year or so ago. But the things are changing. More and more, people are getting better at sniffing through the bullshit.
8. Take all the compassion you are feeling and aim it at the person you have hurt. Do not aim it at yourself. Do not paint yourself as the victim. Feel sorry for what you have done. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
9. Remember that no matter how long ago it happened (hours ago, weeks ago, months ago, years ago, decades ago)....the person you have hurt is still hurting.
It might be water under the bridge for you but for them it might be a a raging storm that continues to wound.
10. If you feel the accusations against you are hurting your family, don't put the blame on the victim for that. Recognize when you are the guilty one. Don't try to convince the one you have hurt that SHE is the guilty one.
11. If you feel the tears coming. If you need to cry.....
Cry tears of regretful sorrow rather than self-pity.
12. Forgive yourself if you feel you have changed and deserve this forgiveness. But don't expect or demand forgiveness from those you have hurt.
1. First of all, by admitting you have some Kavanaugh-like flaws, you are already taking a huge step in the right direction. There are other people who take the time to ridicule and scorn Kavanaugh and refuse to recognize that they have some similarities. Instead of self-reflection, they go for the scapegoat route.
2. Respect women. And announcing that you respect women isn't a way of actually respecting women.
HOW do you respect women? I don't really know what to tell you.
If you've never had a woman complain that you're not respecting her, you're probably doing a pretty decent job. But if even one single woman has complained to you about a lack of respect, you can respect HER by listening carefully to her grievances. Try to understand her. Try to see her side of things. Make changes if necessary, and that will be a respectful thing to do.
3. Don't drink. Or drink responsibly. Be moderate. Try not to get drunk. And if people have told you that you're scary and obnoxious when drinking, stop drinking! Or cut back drastically.
4. Don't touch people when they don't want to be touched. This isn't just about penis and vagina interaction. It's about all touching—kissing, breast squeezing, butt pinching, leg stroking, etc.
And this isn't just about strangers or people you hardly know. This includes your coworkers, family members, friends, and romantic partners.
Am I saying you should always keep your hands to yourself? No! Touch can be a beautiful thing. But only between the right people AND at the right times.
Look carefully for a reaction. Does she look happy? Amused? Comfortable? Then proceed on. (but make sure you're not lying to yourself, because you're horny).
If she looks tense, annoyed, or SCARED...stop immediately.
5. If the above seems to challenging for you, work on learning to read facial expressions and body language. If you are very disabled in this area, perhaps talk to your loved ones and explain your shortcomings. You might be one of those who needs to ask for verbal, explicit consent before any physical contact is initiated.
6. If a woman comes forward and says you have hurt her, listen to what she has said and think about what she has said. If you don't remember the incident, you don't have to immediately believe her. But seriously consider the fact that there's a strong possibility she is telling the truth.
7. Do not PRETEND not to remember. This might have worked beautifully a year or so ago. But the things are changing. More and more, people are getting better at sniffing through the bullshit.
8. Take all the compassion you are feeling and aim it at the person you have hurt. Do not aim it at yourself. Do not paint yourself as the victim. Feel sorry for what you have done. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
9. Remember that no matter how long ago it happened (hours ago, weeks ago, months ago, years ago, decades ago)....the person you have hurt is still hurting.
It might be water under the bridge for you but for them it might be a a raging storm that continues to wound.
10. If you feel the accusations against you are hurting your family, don't put the blame on the victim for that. Recognize when you are the guilty one. Don't try to convince the one you have hurt that SHE is the guilty one.
11. If you feel the tears coming. If you need to cry.....
Cry tears of regretful sorrow rather than self-pity.
12. Forgive yourself if you feel you have changed and deserve this forgiveness. But don't expect or demand forgiveness from those you have hurt.
Read my novel: The Dead are Online