I've endured gaslighting from people who are close to me.
I was hurt by and hated the experiences before I even knew they had a label.
The basic message of gaslighting is: That didn't happen. I didn't do anything wrong. There's something wrong with your memory or perception. The problem is YOU. And I'm the actual victim because you are accusing me of something I never did.
If you're very clever and very strong, that message doesn't matter. You know what happened. You have faith in your memory. You have faith in your perceptions and emotions. You know you're not the guilty one.
But I think with those of us who endure gaslighting, we're not often that clever and strong. We doubt ourselves.
I'm guessing this is especially true with those of us who have been gaslighted by parents or other caretakers. It might have started at an early age that we don't consciously remember, and who knows how pervasive it might have been.
So...some of us have probably been programmed from a very early age to have self-doubt. Then as we become teens and adults, it becomes easier and easier to gaslight us.
But...I can't say that the gaslighting people in my life are gaslighting me on a regular basis. They do it every so often during a conflict. It's an occasional thing not a regular thing.
Guess who DOES gaslight me on a regular basis.
Me!!!
I gaslight myself.
A lot.
Did that really happen?
Are you sure?
Okay, but was it really that bad?
Yeah. It was maybe kind of bad. But are you 100% sure it happened?
So...I write things down a lot, even more so now than I did in the past. I also often take screenshots of texts and emails that annoy or offend me. I feel like I need to record everything, because later someone might gaslight me. Or I might gaslight myself.
In some ways, I think recording things is helpful to someone like me. On the other hand, I think it makes things worse, because if I forget to write something down or can't find a text, I begin to distrust the memory.
I feel a lot of relief when I find something that validates my memories or feelings. Sometimes these are things that I also have memories of but seeing them written down gives me some extra validation. Other times, there are things I forgot about but seeing them gives me validation for the feelings I have towards someone or something.
Lately, I've been gaslighting myself about an old family video. I remember something creepy about it. But I worry that I have it wrong. A part of me wants to see the video to validate my memory. But another part of me is worried that I'll end up finding out I'm wrong. And if I'm wrong, where will that lead me?
Well, it will lead to it being even easier to gaslight myself.
Anyway, to summarize.
A) if you are gaslight by other people, you're also probably likely to end up gaslighting yourself...even more so than the other people gaslighting you.
B) Writing things and collecting evidence can prove to yourself that what you remember is actually real.
C) You can become too dependent on evidence and become even more doubtful of your own memories.
At least that's what has happened to me.
I was hurt by and hated the experiences before I even knew they had a label.
The basic message of gaslighting is: That didn't happen. I didn't do anything wrong. There's something wrong with your memory or perception. The problem is YOU. And I'm the actual victim because you are accusing me of something I never did.
If you're very clever and very strong, that message doesn't matter. You know what happened. You have faith in your memory. You have faith in your perceptions and emotions. You know you're not the guilty one.
But I think with those of us who endure gaslighting, we're not often that clever and strong. We doubt ourselves.
I'm guessing this is especially true with those of us who have been gaslighted by parents or other caretakers. It might have started at an early age that we don't consciously remember, and who knows how pervasive it might have been.
So...some of us have probably been programmed from a very early age to have self-doubt. Then as we become teens and adults, it becomes easier and easier to gaslight us.
But...I can't say that the gaslighting people in my life are gaslighting me on a regular basis. They do it every so often during a conflict. It's an occasional thing not a regular thing.
Guess who DOES gaslight me on a regular basis.
Me!!!
I gaslight myself.
A lot.
Did that really happen?
Are you sure?
Okay, but was it really that bad?
Yeah. It was maybe kind of bad. But are you 100% sure it happened?
So...I write things down a lot, even more so now than I did in the past. I also often take screenshots of texts and emails that annoy or offend me. I feel like I need to record everything, because later someone might gaslight me. Or I might gaslight myself.
In some ways, I think recording things is helpful to someone like me. On the other hand, I think it makes things worse, because if I forget to write something down or can't find a text, I begin to distrust the memory.
I feel a lot of relief when I find something that validates my memories or feelings. Sometimes these are things that I also have memories of but seeing them written down gives me some extra validation. Other times, there are things I forgot about but seeing them gives me validation for the feelings I have towards someone or something.
Lately, I've been gaslighting myself about an old family video. I remember something creepy about it. But I worry that I have it wrong. A part of me wants to see the video to validate my memory. But another part of me is worried that I'll end up finding out I'm wrong. And if I'm wrong, where will that lead me?
Well, it will lead to it being even easier to gaslight myself.
Anyway, to summarize.
A) if you are gaslight by other people, you're also probably likely to end up gaslighting yourself...even more so than the other people gaslighting you.
B) Writing things and collecting evidence can prove to yourself that what you remember is actually real.
C) You can become too dependent on evidence and become even more doubtful of your own memories.
At least that's what has happened to me.
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