Coronation Street has a storyline that's making me uncomfortable.
I'm not alone. I know this, because I see a lot of fans complaining, moaning, and griping on the Coronation Street Instagram account.
The storyline is horrible to watch but at the same time...well, it's important. I hope many people are seeing it and learning from it.
It's about relationship abuse.
Geoff (Ian Bartholomew) abuses his new wife Yasmeen (Shelley King). He doesn't sexually abuse her. He doesn't physically abuse her. He emotionally abuses her.
He lies to her.
He manipulates her.
He shames her.
He isolates her.
He controls her.
She's living in hell but is only slowly beginning to realize it. Well, and I'm two weeks behind, because I'm watching via Hulu, and they're two weeks behind. Maybe in real-time, Yasmeen has fully started to understand what she's been enduring.
Well, and I think where I'm at, Yasmeen feels like she is in hell. But she doesn't see the hell as being created by an abusive partner. She feel her hell is due to her own incompetence and failures.
Anyway, I think there are three reasons why the show makes me personally uncomfortable.
A) Just basic empathy that most of us have. It's horrible to see a nice person being treated so horribly. And really. We need to teach people NOT to turn the other cheek. Really? Why did anyone think that piece of advice was a good idea?
B) Yasmeen''s behavior towards Geoff reminds me of an old friend's behavior with her own husband. My family had an outing with her family several years ago. I won't go into details right now, but there was some strange and rude behavior on their part. At the time, I took it as being annoying and offensive. Later I saw a TV series about spousal abuse, and it reminded me so much of my friend and her husband. I realized what I saw as being annoying and offensive towards us was probably a case of my friend being abused by her husband.
The way my friend acted reminded me a lot of Yasmeen—controlled and submissive. I can't say that her husband reminded me a LOT of Geoff. Because most abuse is going to happen behind the scenes. But there were just odd things that made me uncomfortable. For example, he seemed to have to be friends with every Facebook friend that she had. And okay, maybe that's not overly unhealthy and unusual. Some people do have a desire to collect as many Facebook Friends as possible, and they'll help themselves to the friends of their spouses, siblings, cousins, etc. That just might be a case of being over-gregarious.
BUT...then my friend insisted that I needed to talk to her husband to make the plans for the get-together for our two families.
Like let's see. Who would I rather talk to about plans—my old friend from high school that I've known many years OR her husband who I barely know at all?
And maybe this would make sense if my friend was very shy. But she isn't!
Well, anyway...I'm hoping my friend has realized her situation, and that she has escaped it somehow.
I also hope that more shows do what Coronation Street is doing—raise awareness of emotional abuse.
I really think we need more stories about abuse that does not include physical and sexual components. I think two often victims of abuse discount what is happening to them, because the message provided by our books, movies, TV shows, etc. is that if there's no rape, assault, or severe neglect...then it's not something to worry too much about.
3) The third reason?
Sometimes Geoff reminds me of me.
I HATE that. I really do.
I'm confused about these feelings.
I can't actually remember a concrete time that I did a Geoff-thing.
That doesn't mean I didn't do it. Maybe I've blocked it out of my memory, and all I have is a vague bad-feeling about my past misdeeds.
One of Geoff's main tactics, though, is control through guilt-trips. And I do know I've been guilty of guilt-trips before.
It might be a matter of me OFTEN feeling like how Geoff is acting and only rarely acting the way Geoff is acting.
I think it's also a matter of me having fragile self-esteem and unfairly projecting Geoff's behavior onto myself. For example, there were scenes where Geoff become very pushy towards Yasmeen about cleaning their house. He claimed to have allergies and pretty much wanted their house to be perfectly dust-free. He left to do other things, leaving her most of the work. She took a break to socialize with a friend, and he revealed that he had put up little hidden tests to see if she would actually do the cleaning he asked her to do.
I thought of how I treated Tim last year. We were trying to sell our house and did some major decluttering. I got on Tim's case about not helping enough. That led to some fighting. But that wasn't a case of, you-need-to-do-this-for-me-and-I'll-go-do-other-things. This was a case of I'm-working-very-hard-here-and-I-don't-feel-you're-doing-your-fair-share.
Where do we draw the line between deserved nagging and undeserved, abusive nagging?
I didn't put up little tests to entrap Tim and prove he wasn't cleaning. But I could kind of picture myself doing something like that. Or I could picture myself wanting to do something like that.
One of the things that crossed my mind when watching the cleaning episodes is whether Geoff's behavior regarding the cleaning would be so bad IF he wasn't manipulative and dishonest AND if Yasmeen was someone who actually was neglectful.
What if someone truly had a health problem? They couldn't clean because of their condition. They asked their spouse to do it, and they suspected (with good reason) that the spouse would choose to hang out with friends instead of helping them? I'm not sure I'd fault them on trying to prove that their partner is unhelpful with cleaning or to prove their partner has lied about cleaning.
And Yasmeen DID lie. She assured Geoff that she had done what he asked, and he had proof that she hadn't.
So....
That's the other question. When do we get to the point where the liar is not the one at fault, and instead it's the fault of the person creating an impossible situation where their partner feels they have to lie?
I have been lied to with the message following that the lying was my fault. It was along the lines of your leash was too tight, so I had to lie. But personally, I don't think that was true at all. I think this was more of a DARVO thing (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim, and Offender).
That wasn't the case between Yasmeen and Geoff. With them it was a case of a woman being forced to stay home and excessively clean while her husband left to have his own freedom and fun. And no matter how hard she worked, it wouldn't be enough for him...especially if she gave in, even briefly, to her needs for relaxing, seeing friends, etc.
So though I am horrified to see aspects of myself in Geoff, I'm mentally stable enough to know I'm far from being as bad as him.
I DO often have the feelings he has that cause him to act like a shithead—jealousy, resentment, pickiness, and need for control.
I occasionally act like a controlling shit-head because of these feelings.
In other instances, I have delusions that I'm a controlling shit-head, because someone has manipulated me by twisting the narrative to make me the villain and themselves the victim.
The thing that reassures me the most when watching the show is that I'm missing the the element which takes what would be neurotic/unhealthy behavior and turns it into malicious behavior.
And this is Geoff's blatant dishonesty.
He has cameras hidden in his house, so he can spy on Yasmeen.
He lies to Yasmeen and her granddaughter to turn them against each other.
He infers, to neighbors, that the accidental injury he endured when fighting with Yasmeen, was caused by her physically abusing him.
He spreads rumors about Yasmeen being an alcoholic...though she's not.
He steals Yasmeen's jewelry and lets her think that her granddaughter's friend of a friend robbed them, so he can guilt Yasmeen into being more careful into letting people into their home.
He invents or exaggerates health problems to gain more control of Yasmeen via pity and guilt.
In the episode I watched today, Yasmeen had plans to take a break from work to spend a few hours at the spa with her granddaughter. Geoff was very displeased when he found out about this. He got Yasmeen to cancel by telling her his magic show assistant canceled, and he needed Yasmeen as a replacement. I know from spoilers that Yasmeen is going to learn it's a lie that the assistant canceled. Hopefully that will help her begin to realize that Geoff has also lied about many other things.
What I'm beginning to realize through writing this post is that we ALL use psychological manipulation to some degree. Unfortunately. No amount of psychological manipulation is okay. But a little is better than a lot.
And adding outright dishonesty to manipulation brings it to a whole new level of awfulness.
It's like the person with cancer who uses his disease to make his family and friends feel guilty and do what he wants them to do. This is bad. But much worse is the person who FAKES cancer and makes his family and friends feel guilty and do what he wants them to do.
I'm not alone. I know this, because I see a lot of fans complaining, moaning, and griping on the Coronation Street Instagram account.
The storyline is horrible to watch but at the same time...well, it's important. I hope many people are seeing it and learning from it.
It's about relationship abuse.
Geoff (Ian Bartholomew) abuses his new wife Yasmeen (Shelley King). He doesn't sexually abuse her. He doesn't physically abuse her. He emotionally abuses her.
He lies to her.
He manipulates her.
He shames her.
He isolates her.
He controls her.
She's living in hell but is only slowly beginning to realize it. Well, and I'm two weeks behind, because I'm watching via Hulu, and they're two weeks behind. Maybe in real-time, Yasmeen has fully started to understand what she's been enduring.
Well, and I think where I'm at, Yasmeen feels like she is in hell. But she doesn't see the hell as being created by an abusive partner. She feel her hell is due to her own incompetence and failures.
Anyway, I think there are three reasons why the show makes me personally uncomfortable.
A) Just basic empathy that most of us have. It's horrible to see a nice person being treated so horribly. And really. We need to teach people NOT to turn the other cheek. Really? Why did anyone think that piece of advice was a good idea?
B) Yasmeen''s behavior towards Geoff reminds me of an old friend's behavior with her own husband. My family had an outing with her family several years ago. I won't go into details right now, but there was some strange and rude behavior on their part. At the time, I took it as being annoying and offensive. Later I saw a TV series about spousal abuse, and it reminded me so much of my friend and her husband. I realized what I saw as being annoying and offensive towards us was probably a case of my friend being abused by her husband.
The way my friend acted reminded me a lot of Yasmeen—controlled and submissive. I can't say that her husband reminded me a LOT of Geoff. Because most abuse is going to happen behind the scenes. But there were just odd things that made me uncomfortable. For example, he seemed to have to be friends with every Facebook friend that she had. And okay, maybe that's not overly unhealthy and unusual. Some people do have a desire to collect as many Facebook Friends as possible, and they'll help themselves to the friends of their spouses, siblings, cousins, etc. That just might be a case of being over-gregarious.
BUT...then my friend insisted that I needed to talk to her husband to make the plans for the get-together for our two families.
Like let's see. Who would I rather talk to about plans—my old friend from high school that I've known many years OR her husband who I barely know at all?
And maybe this would make sense if my friend was very shy. But she isn't!
Well, anyway...I'm hoping my friend has realized her situation, and that she has escaped it somehow.
I also hope that more shows do what Coronation Street is doing—raise awareness of emotional abuse.
I really think we need more stories about abuse that does not include physical and sexual components. I think two often victims of abuse discount what is happening to them, because the message provided by our books, movies, TV shows, etc. is that if there's no rape, assault, or severe neglect...then it's not something to worry too much about.
3) The third reason?
Sometimes Geoff reminds me of me.
I HATE that. I really do.
I'm confused about these feelings.
I can't actually remember a concrete time that I did a Geoff-thing.
That doesn't mean I didn't do it. Maybe I've blocked it out of my memory, and all I have is a vague bad-feeling about my past misdeeds.
One of Geoff's main tactics, though, is control through guilt-trips. And I do know I've been guilty of guilt-trips before.
It might be a matter of me OFTEN feeling like how Geoff is acting and only rarely acting the way Geoff is acting.
I think it's also a matter of me having fragile self-esteem and unfairly projecting Geoff's behavior onto myself. For example, there were scenes where Geoff become very pushy towards Yasmeen about cleaning their house. He claimed to have allergies and pretty much wanted their house to be perfectly dust-free. He left to do other things, leaving her most of the work. She took a break to socialize with a friend, and he revealed that he had put up little hidden tests to see if she would actually do the cleaning he asked her to do.
I thought of how I treated Tim last year. We were trying to sell our house and did some major decluttering. I got on Tim's case about not helping enough. That led to some fighting. But that wasn't a case of, you-need-to-do-this-for-me-and-I'll-go-do-other-things. This was a case of I'm-working-very-hard-here-and-I-don't-feel-you're-doing-your-fair-share.
Where do we draw the line between deserved nagging and undeserved, abusive nagging?
I didn't put up little tests to entrap Tim and prove he wasn't cleaning. But I could kind of picture myself doing something like that. Or I could picture myself wanting to do something like that.
One of the things that crossed my mind when watching the cleaning episodes is whether Geoff's behavior regarding the cleaning would be so bad IF he wasn't manipulative and dishonest AND if Yasmeen was someone who actually was neglectful.
What if someone truly had a health problem? They couldn't clean because of their condition. They asked their spouse to do it, and they suspected (with good reason) that the spouse would choose to hang out with friends instead of helping them? I'm not sure I'd fault them on trying to prove that their partner is unhelpful with cleaning or to prove their partner has lied about cleaning.
And Yasmeen DID lie. She assured Geoff that she had done what he asked, and he had proof that she hadn't.
So....
That's the other question. When do we get to the point where the liar is not the one at fault, and instead it's the fault of the person creating an impossible situation where their partner feels they have to lie?
I have been lied to with the message following that the lying was my fault. It was along the lines of your leash was too tight, so I had to lie. But personally, I don't think that was true at all. I think this was more of a DARVO thing (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim, and Offender).
That wasn't the case between Yasmeen and Geoff. With them it was a case of a woman being forced to stay home and excessively clean while her husband left to have his own freedom and fun. And no matter how hard she worked, it wouldn't be enough for him...especially if she gave in, even briefly, to her needs for relaxing, seeing friends, etc.
So though I am horrified to see aspects of myself in Geoff, I'm mentally stable enough to know I'm far from being as bad as him.
I DO often have the feelings he has that cause him to act like a shithead—jealousy, resentment, pickiness, and need for control.
I occasionally act like a controlling shit-head because of these feelings.
In other instances, I have delusions that I'm a controlling shit-head, because someone has manipulated me by twisting the narrative to make me the villain and themselves the victim.
The thing that reassures me the most when watching the show is that I'm missing the the element which takes what would be neurotic/unhealthy behavior and turns it into malicious behavior.
And this is Geoff's blatant dishonesty.
He has cameras hidden in his house, so he can spy on Yasmeen.
He lies to Yasmeen and her granddaughter to turn them against each other.
He infers, to neighbors, that the accidental injury he endured when fighting with Yasmeen, was caused by her physically abusing him.
He spreads rumors about Yasmeen being an alcoholic...though she's not.
He steals Yasmeen's jewelry and lets her think that her granddaughter's friend of a friend robbed them, so he can guilt Yasmeen into being more careful into letting people into their home.
He invents or exaggerates health problems to gain more control of Yasmeen via pity and guilt.
In the episode I watched today, Yasmeen had plans to take a break from work to spend a few hours at the spa with her granddaughter. Geoff was very displeased when he found out about this. He got Yasmeen to cancel by telling her his magic show assistant canceled, and he needed Yasmeen as a replacement. I know from spoilers that Yasmeen is going to learn it's a lie that the assistant canceled. Hopefully that will help her begin to realize that Geoff has also lied about many other things.
What I'm beginning to realize through writing this post is that we ALL use psychological manipulation to some degree. Unfortunately. No amount of psychological manipulation is okay. But a little is better than a lot.
And adding outright dishonesty to manipulation brings it to a whole new level of awfulness.
It's like the person with cancer who uses his disease to make his family and friends feel guilty and do what he wants them to do. This is bad. But much worse is the person who FAKES cancer and makes his family and friends feel guilty and do what he wants them to do.
Read my novel: The Dead are Online
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