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Never Mind about Biographies

I spent the last 2-3 days watching videos of Charlotte Nicdao's work, and I wrote a lot of stuff that was mostly shit. Last night I impulsively deleted the whole thing and decided I was done with blogging.  And I also decided I didn't want to work on screenwriting either. I didn't feel relieved about the situation.  Instead I felt aimless and kind of worthless. I was feeling pretty awful last night. This morning I felt much less awful and much less married to the idea of going on a long writing hiatus. I want to keep blogging, and I want to keep on with the screenwriting. But for now, I think I need to do it as a way to keep busy and a way to express myself and not as a way to make myself feel more...worthy.  Because in order to feel worthy in terms of writing, I need to get lots of blog visits, win contests, make money, etc.  And that stuff is out of my control.   I've been making screenwriting plans with things like, If I do well in a contest, I'll keep up with th
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Back to Biographies

I've decided to return to writing my massively long biography posts . When I say decided, it wasn't like:  I'm going to go back to writing biography posts! It was more like: I need something creative and productive to do while waiting to hear back about the autism diagnosis. I'm going to go back to writing biography posts! Never mind. I am not going back to writing biography posts.  Maybe instead I will make my blog private, because suddenly I'm mortified that I have revealed so much of myself on the Internet. I'm going to go back to writing screenplays instead. No, I really don't want to write screenplays right now.  Maybe having a blog is not so bad. Maybe writing biographies will be fun. What if the subject of the biography happens to find my blog, reads my post about them, and hates me? What if no one ever really reads my biography posts, and I'm talking to myself? Maybe I should write screenplays. What screenplay should I write? I don't want to
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I Passed the First Part!

I'm happy to say I'm on the way to becoming officially diagnosed with autism. I got my initial screening results yesterday.   I marked the occasion in my Minecraft tunnel. A bat was screeching...probably in support. I'm no more autistic than I was two days ago or two weeks ago. And I won't be more autistic after I finish the second part of the diagnosis process. This is just about getting validation...an official stamp. An analogy I used with a family member today is:  In terms of getting vaccinated with Covid... It would be like the vaccine has gone into my arm.  But now I'm waiting for the nurse to fill out my card. Being autistic is not the shot in the arm in this analogy.  I don't have anything to fit that.  Instead it would be getting the initial screening.  A psychologist has read about my life and looked at my test scores and said...Yes, you look autistic to me.  But to make it more official, I have to fill out more stuff and take more tests...AND ha
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Wanting to Wake Up and Go Home

I've been struggling think of a way to describe the strange feeling I've had the past few months. I came up with a description that might work. Let's say for some reason you were stuck in a dream. Maybe you're in a coma.  It's not a horrible dream.  It's fairly okay. There are good parts, bad parts, mediocre parts, etc.   You don't usually realize you are dreaming.  You go with the flow.  But sometimes you realize it, and though it's not a horrible dream, there's a part of you that thinks: Okay. This is nice and all.  But I've had enough. I want to wake up and go home. Fortunately, I do NOT have this feeling 24/7.  It just comes in waves...usually once or twice a day.  And I feel like I'm having it less lately.   In other news, we saw the movie Coda , and it has inspired me to slowly start learning American sign language.  I'm using this YouTube channel for that. AND.... I finally managed to find my second City in Minecraft.  It involved
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Found and Lost

I've had an interesting Minecraft experience. So, here's the story. A couple of months ago, I created a Minecraft survival world with plans of building a small city.  I wanted to build skyscrapers.   I initially spawned in the midst of a rainforest.  I walked around trying to find a place to start the city...preferably not in a rainforest.   The best I could find was a bamboo forest. There was a lot of bamboo.   I started to make a ground for my city. I decided to use polished diorite (which I sort of regret. I wish I had chosen gravel instead). I started working—alternating between mining, chopping down the bamboo, and replacing the dirt with the diorite. I also started a small wheat farm and did some other exploring. Then one day, I got lost and couldn't find my way back home. I tried and I tried. Then I gave up. I found a.... I think it was a forest biome?   I'm not sure, actually. I just know it wasn't rainforest.  Though there was rainforest very close by. I st
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I'm Doing Great! I'm Okay. I'm Falling Apart

 I feel like such a confused mix of emotions lately. Because of that, I'm not sure I can get my thoughts together in a coherent way. So I think I'm going to do a numbered post of related and unrelated things. 1. I've cried at bedtime at least 4 times lately.  I was going to use the phrase "Cried myself to sleep" but that's really not true.  The crying prevents me from falling asleep, because my nose gets all snotty.  I have to stop crying and blow my nose; then fall asleep. Two times the crying was due to hyper-empathy related to my nieces/nephews.  Once it was for missing Jack who is at college.  The other was for missing Disney World.   2. I feel I have an idea now about the difference between sadness and depression.   I don't think depression is limited to only those who have been officially diagnosed or those who fail or struggle to function or those who have been feeling very sad for a certain minimum of time.  I think depression is a sadness that als
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Putting Fences In Front of Caves

I had a shitload of anxiety last night. I think most of it was due to a big (but normal) change in our lives. But I think playing Minecraft before bed made it a lot worse. I've been thinking that the way I choose to play Minecraft is somehow symbolic of my mental state.  With my current world, I've been building skyscrapers. THAT must mean something. Some of my overlying anxiety has shown up in the form of putting torches everywhere.  I've been somewhat obsessed with making things light enough so that monsters don't spawn. This is in contrast to when I played a few years ago, and I was all about hunting monsters...so I could have enchantment points. I have also felt a need to stay close to my budding city and not venture too far off. BUT then I managed to craft some maps.  That was exciting. I started to feel more courageous. I went on a little adventure. I found my way to a mountain biome. Then I put down a bed inside one of the mountains, so I wouldn't have to wal
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