Do you admire Brett Kavanaugh?
Do you wish to be more like him?
Well, here's my advice on how you can do that!
1. Learn how to spell his name. Because...uh...I seem to be having trouble with that one.
2. Love women! You have to love women. But with this love, you need to believe you know what's best for women. Because as much as you love women, you know that you're surely superior to all of them.
3. Get drunk and be obnoxious.
4. Attack women sexually when you're drunk. Because...hey! That's yet another way for a Kavanaugh to show his love for women.
5. Have Trump, or a man like Trump, on your side. That's very important!
6. If a woman comes forward and says that you have hurt her in the past, DENY it. Never admit to any wrongdoing. Do not apologize. Repeat to yourself over and over: I am the victim here. I want to do wonderful things for the world, and the bitches are getting in my way.
7. Remember the main theme of the story. And that is: YOU are the hero. YOU are the victim.
8. Cry. You must cry. You can't just believe you are the victim. That's not enough. You must show the world.
9. Lie. Lie a lot. Gaslight your ass off. That's very important. Even if you have to lie to the point of inventing new drinking games...keep going. The truth is your enemy. Seriously. If you admit your mistake, apologize, and actually care that you hurt someone...you could lose a big, important, prestigious job. Okay. I'm joking. You probably won't lose all that...not if you have the GOP in your corner! So Relax. But still...keep up with the lying. You know. Just in case.
10. Get angry. Very angry. Along with the crying, this will push the idea of you being a victim.
11. Bring your family into it. Just in case there are people who don't have enough sympathy for you, play on their potential sympathy for your family.
And that's my advice to you.
Though I have a feeling some of you won't need it, because you were doing a fantastic job already.
