There's only a few more things left in the book, so I'm just going to dump them all in this post.
Note: Blue is what was printed in the journal and green is what I wrote.
For me, thinking about having a child meant-Major changes, sacrifices. Sometimes it seemed like something wonderful. Other times the thought was horrifying (December 2001)
I wrote that when Jack was about three months old. But I think I was remembering how I felt before I had him,
Well, yeah. Rereading the question. It says THINKING about having a child, not having a child.
Joys and anticipations, worries and insecurities-I worried (and still worry) that I'll be one of the mothers who tries so hard to be perfect that she actually ends up being a bad mom. (December 2001).
And guess what.
My worry came true 100%.
Although it didn't happen until about three years later.
I was a shit mom from when Jack was about 3-6.
I think PART of the reason is I put a huge amount of pressure on myself to be perfect. Since I had been a preschool teacher, I think I felt that I needed to be perfect at parenting. I was supposed to be good with kids...especially young kids!
Also. I chose to practice attachment parenting. And no, I definitely don't think attachment parenting itself caused me to have issues. I think, though, since aspects of it are controversial, I felt in order to prove my choice was the right one, I needed to be a perfect mom with a perfect child. I worried that any cracks or blemishes would show the world I had made the wrong decisions.
Anyway, I failed at being a perfect mom.
AND....
I wasn't a not-perfect mom. I was a toxic mom.
In the time period that I was a toxic mom, there were probably also times that I was a super, awesome, fun mom.
I don't think the super, awesome stuff makes up for the toxic stuff. In some ways, I think the mixture makes things worse.
What does make me feel sort of okay about things is that I changed.
I'm not perfect, of course. But I got rid of a lot of the toxicity.
Now I'd label myself as a moderately cool mom who....
Well, I like who I am as a mom now. Even though I worry I've fucked up in some ways. Not just during my toxic years but in the later years as well.
I hope Jack likes me as a mom too, because his opinion of my mothering is the most important one.
And whatever he thinks now....
His assessment of me might change when he's out of the teen years. In some ways, he might think worse of me. In other ways, he might appreciate things that pissed him off in the past.
How my life has changed-Less sleep! No time alone. Greatest feeling of love I have felt felt (Dec 2001). I question mainstream society more (July 2004). I am less shy (2004). I have more of a social life (2004). I know now what true unconditional love feels like.
The love I felt/feel for Jack. No other love has come close.
I think when I love other people, there's a need for the love to be reciprocated.
With Jack....
Of course I want him to love me. But it's more important to me that he be okay.
If I had a choice between him staying nearby, at my side, but having a miserable life vs. him having a super fun, exciting, fulfilling life but never hearing from him again; I'd pick the latter.
Hopefully I'll be lucky enough to have him in my life AND know he's content. I'm just saying if I had to choose.
Anyway...with other people, if they disappeared and never spoke to me again, I'd either be indifferent or I'd be thinking, in my head, a very loud FUCK YOU. Because I don't love anyone else unconditionally.
Well...maybe my sisters to some degree. But my sisterly unconditional love is small compared to my parental one.
Rewards and frustrations-Biggest reward-Jack's smile. Biggest frustration-Lack of help, appreciation, support, and understanding from other people (2001). Rewards-Jack's laugh, watching Jack reach new milestones, being so appreciated by Jack. Frustrations: Trying to control my own anger and trying not to be overcome by death anxieties. (2004).
Yeah. I didn't feel very supported. That was hard on me. And so were those death fears.
New Sense of self-I never thought I could survive and function on less than 5 hours of sleep. But fortunately things are improving. (2001). I am more confident. I am less shy (2004).
I feel sick just thinking about that tired feeling I'd have when Jack was a baby. It's not just exhaustion. It's a hopeless exhaustion. It's like, when will I be able to sleep? And once I'm asleep, how long will I be allowed to stay asleep?
I hated that pressure to sleep when Jack was sleeping. Should I sleep or get work done? Okay, I'll sleep. But wait. I can't fall asleep.
Finally! Now I'm starting to drift off.
And then...
He'd wake up.
Nap time is over.
To a much smaller degree, I'm having that with one of my cats now.
So, here's the difference between my insomnia and Tim's insomnia.
He has trouble sleeping? On most days, he just sleeps through the morning or even through the day.
I have trouble sleeping? Well, I know that around 6 am, Annie is going to insist our day begin. It doesn't matter if I was up 1-4 hours in the middle of the night.
The good news is she's quite independent during the day, so I usually can take a nap.
What I see when I look in the mirror now-Someone who could probably use a little plastic surgery (2004).
I'm even uglier now but am way too cheap, financially challenged, and lazy to get elective surgery done!
I think I was actually very beautiful in 2004.
I couldn't see then what I see now.
And if I live to 90, I'm sure my elderly-self will look at pictures of me in my forties and think I was fantastic looking.
The woman my family sees-"The weird one". I think they see me as some kind of hippy person (Dec 2001)
Yeah. I think I've always been less mainstream then most of them.
I think MOST of them find me weird but lovable.
The other one (my dad) seems to have feelings for me ranging from, She's a curse that has a put a dark shadow on my wonderful existence to She's a pathetic loser that I "love" rather than abandon, because I have a huge heart and am up to meeting the challenge.
Read my novel: The Dead are Online
