We can do it!! Maybe...Probably?

I've been having lots of deep thoughts this week...about certain things. It's really about trying to understand how I feel about certain subjects.

I read a quote that I thought might help me get things more clear in my head. But then I tried writing the post, and I deleted it. I didn't like it.

I'm going to try again. Hopefully, this one will be better than the last.

The quote is from Peter Kocan's book Fresh Fields.

Diestl didn't despise anyone for being weak. He knew too well how cruel the world was and how it could frighten a person to their very core. What Diestl despised was a person who wasn't entirely weak, who had the potential to hit back, to make the world grin on the other side of it's face, but who shirks the duty.

I might be reading more into what Kocan meant to say. I'm not sure if that quote exactly fits what I'm thinking, and trying to say.

Oh, I'll just imagine it does.

Here's the thing. I don't believe that hard work + positive thinking = guaranteed success. I believe some people get a really tough break in life, and it's a HUGE struggle to overcome it. I think for some people, it's impossible to overcome the problems, and an entity (like the government) has to step in and help them. That's why I'm politically left rather than politically right.

On the other hand, I think many people (including me) fall into a trap of making excuses for themselves.

This week I've been dealing with the subject of eating disorders. Why? A couple of weeks ago, I decided I want to go on a diet. I really want to lose weight...a lot of weight. This has made me feel like a total hypocrite because in my eating disorder blog, I said I'm against dieting.

So what should a girl do? How about making the blog private, so there's no public record of me saying I'm against dieting? Yeah. That's what I did. If you realize you're a hypocrite, quick and hide the evidence.

Anyway, I started the diet. I've increased my exercise. I can't say I've quickly dropped several pounds. Things are working quite slow here.

I decided to seek help via the Internet. I googled dieting after recovering from an eating disorder. Somehow that led me to a term called Wannarexia. The idea here is that some people don't have true eating disorders. They're not mentally ill. They're just....well, they're fools. They fall into a trap of wanting to be thin. They're overly influenced by the mainstream media, comments of family and friends, and vanity. Those who believe in this Wannarexia say one of the ways to distinguish this from the REAL Anorexia is that Anorexics are ashamed of their thin body and wear baggy clothes to hide themselves. Although they're really not ashamed of their thinness. They think they're fat. They're delusional. They're a bit insane. They're mentally ill....seriously and truly mentally ill.

Wannarexic people know they're thin, and flaunt it.

That was me. I was HAPPY to be thin, and I knew I was thin.

I mean there was a point where I felt fat at 108 pounds. But I don't think that's being delusional. I think it's a matter of comparison and perspective. Compared to 97 pounds, 108 DOES feel fat. Today, my scale said 134.5. That feels thin compared to the 140 lbs I was several months ago.

Anyway, I was angry and sad when I first read the wannarexic stuff. It's insulting. So I did the usual, Those bitchy know-it-alls have no idea what they're talking about. I DID have an eating disorder. And many websites, psychotherapists, and medical folks would agree with me.

Then I went into the other thing I think about lately....my belief that mental illness is overdiagnosed.

These days, so many of us supposedly have some kind of mental illness.

Am I mentally ill because I wanted to be very thin? Am I destined to end up killing myself with this new diet?

No.

Was my behavior in the past okay? Is it okay to exercise extremely excessively, count calories, weigh yourself multiple times a day, and totally obsess over food?

No.

But now instead of saying I had an eating disorder, I prefer to say In the past, I made very unhealthy and dangerous choices.

Choice.

That's the keyword there. I do not believe I have some kind of something in my brain/soul that FORCES me to go on extreme diets. There are things in my genes/brains that push me to make the wrong choices, but nothing forces me to make them.

I think there probably ARE people with real mental illness. They truly can't help themselves, and need major medication and psychotherapy. But I think a lot of mentally healthy people use the excuse of mental illness to make choices they don't need to make.

I can't go to work. I'm too depressed.

I have to eat that whole box of Twinkies. I have an eating disorder.

I have to waste my paycheck. I have a shopping addiction.

I'm a goal-oriented attention-seeking competitive perfectionist that overly worries about what others think of me, and longs to feel in control. I'm a perfect candidate for someone to want to be extremely thin. But I'm not CRAZY. I'm smart enough and mentally healthy enough to set myself straight...when I'm ready to set myself straight.

I've been mildly depressed before. But it's not mental illness depression. I have times in my life where I feel blue. I don't lie in bed and let the world pass me by. I get up, go about my life, and think awful depressing stuff while I do it. Then my life improves eventually, and I feel better. I think other people might fall into the trap of believing they are ill. Woe is me. I'm sad. When you're depressed, you're supposed to lay in bed, eat ice-cream all day, and think of ways to commit suicide. So this is what I shall do. I think some people make a choice to do this because they've mistaken normal human fluctuations of emotion with true mental illness.

I'm nervous people are going to think I believe there's no such thing as mental illness. Uh, not because I have an anxiety disorder, but because sometimes humans get nervous about things.

Anyway, I do think SOME folks are mentally ill....bipolar, schizophrenic, anorexic...whatever. But I don't think mental illness is some kind of epidemic, that some would like us to think.

I think some of us have hurdles to climb that others don't have....or they have them to a greater degree than average. Some of us have more baggage than others. Some of us have higher mountains to climb. Some people are tied down by major shit, and it's literally impossible for them to go upwards. But I think many of us CAN climb the mountain. We just have to believe we're capable....even if it's a hell of an effort. The problem is we have so many mental health advocates telling us we're sick. We start to believe them, and sit on the bottom of the mountain....waiting and moaning.

I have a challenge here. Because of my bad eating CHOICES, my metabolism is still screwed up. I'm dieting, exercising, and the weight loss is annoyingly slow. I could give up, and be happy with my body the way it is. I've tried that. I'm not obese (or even overweight if you go by the BMI thing). But I'm honestly NOT happy with my weight right now. I look at photos of myself and cringe.

My metabolism can have some kind of happy recovery, and I can go on another crazed weight loss thing. Maybe I can go back to being 97 pounds! But no. I'm not going to go down THAT path. Nor am I going to give up anytime soon. I'm going to keep trying to lose weight, but I'm not going to lose too much weight. I'm going to make SMART healthy choices.

I know I'm capable.

I may be pathetic, but I know I can rise above that sometimes!

Priorities

I'm reading Peter Kocan's Fresh Fields. So far, it's a BEAUTIFUL book. It's about a lonely teenager...a great illustration of alienation. I can relate to the lost and lonely feelings in the book, but fortunately for me, those episodes in my life were sporadic. For the kid in the book, it's pretty much a constant.

The book makes me think about how hard it is sometimes to live in this world. For some, it's hard to find the very basic necessities of life; food, water, a place to shower, and a place to sleep. Then it can also be hard to find the other necessities, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone to take your side, someone to BE there for you.

There IS human kindness on this earth, but it can be far and few between. And sometimes I think we have our priorities messed up.

I watched a clip, from Body Work on the Australian screen website. It's a documentary about death. The clip I watched shows the cremation process. It looks awfully complicated to me...and expensive. They burn the body with a wooden coffin. Isn't that a waste of resources? I mean maybe it's not a big deal. Trees are wasted quite often. Why should I pick on a cremation coffin? But whatever. It seems to me there'd be a more efficient way of disposing of the human body. We don't look for efficient though. Why? The human corpse is sacred. And that's fine. It seems to be a cross-cultural thing. For some reason, we care about dead bodies and want to take care of them.

The problem is we sometimes seem to care about dead bodies more than living ones. You can go to a funeral and see people sobbing hysterically about someone who has just been lost. I have to wonder, were all those people there for that person when they were alive? I mean no one can be there for everyone ALL of the time. Of course not. But how many people at the funeral frequently ignored the starred attraction when he or she was alive?

In our world, it seems much easier to love someone once they're dead. It's harder to give love and attention to the living.

And another group showed with love?

Embryos.

I have talked to people recently who are VERY passionate about unborn humans. They are the most innocent of all, and should be protected.

It would be nice if all embryos could have a chance at life. Although if they ALL had a chance, things might get even more crowded. Do we have a room for all these embryos? I seriously doubt it.

The other question is do we have enough love for all these embryos?

I really don't think so.

Now for the record, I'm with Peter Singer when it comes to issues of abortion. Unlike Christians (and people of other similar religious groups) I'm not a speciest. I don't see humans as being more valuable than other animals simply because they're human. If I had a choice between saving a cow calf or a toddler, I'd pick the toddler. A toddler is smarter than a calf (I think?). And humans are usually more intelligent than cows. An increase in intelligence is going to equal an increase in the sense of loss. I think the human parents would miss their child more than the cow parents. And I'd want to take the action that would bring the least amount of suffering.

But if the choice was between saving a calf or a cluster of human cells, I'd choose the calf. And I WOULD make the same choice if the human pregnancy had progressed beyond a cluster of cells.

Let's pretend though that I am a speciest like most other humans. Let's pretend I believe human life IS more valuable than other life....no matter what the circumstance or stage of development. What is the point of preventing abortion? What is the point of putting so much emphasis on saving these unborn babies?

Is there really a place for all of them in this world? Is there enough love to go around? Are there enough adults out there willing and wanting to adopt a child? Is there enough free medical care to go around (for those with families who can't afford it)? Is there enough healthy and affordable food for everyone? Is there enough affordable housing?

If I was one of those people who valued human life over all other life, I'm not sure fighting against abortion would be the best way to save innocent little fetus things. I think the best way to fight would be to....

a)adopt a child
b) give assistance/sponsor a single mother (emotional, practical, AND financial)
c) give money to a charity that builds homes for families in need. That way if a family gets pregnant with their fourth child, they have a place to keep it.
d) Fight for gay couples to adopt children. That way more homes open up to potential humans.
e) Encourage the government to offer better work benefits for parents....make it less of a hardship to HAVE children.

Just basically....do things for the children who are already born and ALIVE.

I'm trying to think of an analogy here. I think I got one....probably a bit crazy.

Well, it's kind of like throwing a fit because no one has come to your party. You invite everyone, no one shows up, and you act like it's the worse thing in the world. BUT you did nothing to prepare for the party. You need to buy/prepare awesome food, get cool decorations, have music ready, and make things great for your guests. THEN you worry about inviting people, and having them show up.

I think we need to make the world more awesome and welcoming. Then we can hope that makes less people want to opt out of bringing new babies into the world.

Are We Speaking of Dr. Halifax?

Rebecca Gibney sometimes plays a forensic psychiatrist.

According to my Statcounter, this is important today for some reason.

I am quite mystified.

Disturbing

I wanted to come up with a clever title for this post, but I'm speechless. Well, sort of.

I just watched a VERY disturbing video. I'm wishing that it's not true, just one of those things that are exaggerated by conspiracy theorists. But I have a feeling it's not....a STRONG feeling.

I know some Australians hate Americans, and that annoys me. Some of us are decent people, and it's not nice to lump us together with the crappy folks. It's rude.

But I do think Australians have every right to hate the American government, or at least the Ryan Kwanten look-a-like government. And while they're at it, they might want to also spit venom at Bush's Aussie mate, John Howard.

The video clips I watched come from a 2005 documentary called Blowin in the Wind. The first clip I watched is about the health dangers of weapons using depleted uranium. It shows how the American government is dishonest about all of this. Then I watched the third clip which shows that America uses Australia to test these bombs. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH (that's me screaming in disgusted anger).

Okay, I've heard vague things about America testing bombs in Australia before. I didn't pay much attention. But I guess this video helped it all sink in a bit more.

Lord Wiki has a lot to say about depleted uranium. I don't want to read it all, because I'm not scientific-minded enough to understand it. I skimmed it a bit though, and the basic idea is you have some scientists saying it's BAD stuff, and other scientists saying it's fine. Which side do you trust?

I get the sense that Lord Wiki isn't trusting those who say it's NOT unhealthy for humans. From what I AM reading in his post, he seems to be taking a side here.

There is some belief that the cause of the Gulf War Syndrome may have been caused by the uranium. But then there's some belief that there is no Gulf War Syndrome, that the symptoms experienced by veterans are no worse and no more prevalent than symptoms experienced by veterans of other wars.

One day I was browsing around at the bookstore. I picked up this book written by a very pro-science person. He was writing about the awful people like me who question science...the ones who annoyingly ask, are we sure vaccines are safe? Are we sure it's okay to take that medication? What if doing this makes us feel worse instead of better? This guy who wrote the book believed there was a group of anti-science people gaining momentum, and that they were wreaking havoc on society.

I WANT to trust science. I really do. I want to have buttloads of faith in it. It would make my life much easier. But how can we trust science when one study says one thing, and another study says another thing? How do we trust science when we're frequently assured an ingredient in our food is FINE, and we shouldn't trust those fringe weirdos who say otherwise. Then years later, science comes out and says well, guess what. Those fringe weirdo loud-mouths were right.

I'm not anti-science. I do try to keep up to date on the latest studies....especially health-related ones. I think scientific studies have SOME validity. But I think it's incredibly foolish to believe something is safe just because a government health body assures you that it is. On the other hand, it's also foolish to assume something is dangerous, and should be avoided just because radical conspiracy theorists are against it.

There are no easy answers.

There's just a lot of questions.

Is the American government evil, or just greedy and stupid? I don't know.

Are the Democrats just as bad as the Republicans? I hope they're not, but they might be.

Life sucks. It really does. But it has it's nice people and nice moments. We should enjoy them, because you never know when you're going to end up being the victim of awfulness. And then some scientists might come along and insist you weren't really a victim of awfulness. It was all in your head, or just a random coincidence. Maybe they'd be right. Maybe they'd be wrong. Who knows.

Counting Sheep

I'm done looking at the City of Melbourne site for now. Now I'm exploring Freshwater.net. It's a Melbourne website that talks about Aboriginal people, natural history, and conservation...maybe other stuff as well.

I learned something fun and interesting on this page regarding the adoption of Aboriginal words into the society of white folks.

In the song "Waltzing Matilda", the sheep is referred to as a jumbuck. The word comes from an Aboriginal language. BUT there was no sheep in Australia before the white people came. So, why would they have a word for sheep? Well, the word jumbuck originally meant cloud. And the sheep reminded some Aboriginal people of clouds.

I liked that little story.