Extension

I've decided to extend my hiatus from listening to audio books.

I was going to end it on Wednesday.  But now I'm going to extend it until at least next Saturday.

Why?

A) I'm very hyper-focused on my own fiction writing project.  That leaves me less time to listen to someone else's fiction.  But more importantly, I'm so hyper-focused...I think I'll.. spend too much time daydreaming and having to rewind...multiple times.

B) I'll still have stuff to listen to. Podcasts. And two that I listen to are fiction. So, I'll get my needed dose of fictional audio that way.

C) I'll also get my dose of fiction via the current TV shows in my life: Neighbours, Coronation Street, Little Women, and Gilmore Girls.

D) I need the extra time, so I still have time to learn Te Reo Māori despite now needing time to also write/plan/think about my book.

* * *

I really hope I actually write this book.

I started a little....

430 words.

Not a lot.

But much better than my last two attempts at writing novels. (ZERO words).

* * *

I don't plan to do word counting on a regular basis.

I just wanted to prove to whoever is reading this that I actually wrote some words.  

* * *

My barely-started novel's genre is UnDystopian.

It's in opposition to dystopian novels.

My future is a hopeful, better future.

But it's not a utopia.  Things aren't perfect. People still have problems.

I think the idea of dystopian is usually that there were lofty plans and then the lofty plans made everything extremely more shitty.

In the UnDystopian genre, the lofty plans make things better. But not perfect. Because there will always be problems.  

* * *

The conflicts in my novel probably won't come from the futuristic stuff.

The conflicts will probably be more everyday things...relationship issues, big life decisions, inner angst.

There IS some political drama involving terrorist cults.  I'm not sure, though if this will be a bit part of the plot or just a background kind of thing.  

OR it might be something that doesn't even leave my notes.  Like Dumbledore being gay.  Maybe I'll be the only one who knows there are terrorist cults...(and whoever reads this post) 

Edited to Add (immediately after posting): Just Googled and learned that there are utopian novels that don't present a perfect world.  So I guess I'm stuck calling my novel utopian.  Even though I much prefer the term UnDystopian.  

Or I could be a rebel and stick to UnDystopian.  

Sitting Shiva for a Book

I just finished listening to Helene Wecker's novel The Hidden Palace, the sequel to her The Golem and the Jinni.

I loved both books so much.

I've decided to take a seven day hiatus before seeking out my next audiobook.

I need time to mourn.

And I don't want to make another book my rebound book.

Plus...thanks to an article and podcast episode from The Times of Israel, I actually have an idea for my own novel or series that I'm very excited about.  I haven't been this excited about an idea since 2014 when I wrote The Dead are Online.  (More on that later...maybe)

Because of my excitement over my own idea, it will be hard to concentrate on someone else's story.  I need a lot of extra day-dreaming time.

And I need to mourn for the genie and the golem...and all their friends.

* * *

Backstory: I had an autistic-style crisis when Random.org picked Helene Wecker for me from my long list of authors.  

I mean after I saw that the audio book was 19 hours!

Shit.  I stress about 10 hour books.

I have this rule that I need to finish a book by the library's due date. Though in the back of my mind, I knew I could probably renew it.

I had a brain crisis over whether to pre-divide the book into my reading assignments over two weeks...or plan to renew and divide the book over four weeks.  

I decided to take the four weeks.

But I felt uneasy about it.

* * *

My hope was to find an excuse not to read the book.

I looked for evidence that Wecker was one of those Jews who hates Israel.

Did she sign the petition?

No. Fuck.

Okay, I told myself. Fine. But if I find the book boring or annoying within listening to the first three chapters, I can quit and find a new book.

A much shorter book.

* * *

The book pulled me in immediately.

And never let go.

I finished listening to the whole 19 hours before it was time to renew.

I renewed the second book...read it a bit slower.  It wasn't because the second book was less wonderful.  It's more the fact that the best way for me to concentrate on an audiobook is to listen while doing mindless gardening work. 

During the listening of the second book, it was too cold.  

Too cold=less gardening=less listening time.

Still...even though I renewed it, I think I actually finished it before the original due date.  

 * * *

It wasn't just the length that made me not want to read it.

I'm very nervous about fantasy books.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE some of them.

But with other fantasy books...books that other people love....I'm bored.

Also: I tend to like the idea of cultural mythology in theory.  Yet a lot of times...when I tried to read about it in depth, I get bored.

Wecker's series is much more history and character driven than mythology-driven.

And there's a lot of food description...which I love.  And it takes place in NYC...which I love.   In those two ways, it reminds me a bit of The All of a Kind Family series.   

Well...three ways.  Also, the Jewish aspect.

 

Writing and Self-Esteem

1. I decided not to quit blogging. At least not yet.  

2. It's not the imagined idea that there are people out there wanting me to continue that pushed me not to quit. It's the imagined idea that there are people out there NOT wanting me to write that pushes me to continue.

This is both on a personal level—the idea that there are people who want ME specifically to stop writing and on a general level—people out there who would like people-like-me to stop writing.   

3. It's arrogant to imagine people care enough about me or people-like-me to care enough whether or not I quit blogging or not. 

But it's also arrogant to imagine the happy-opposite.

4. I'm fine with this level of arrogance. At least for now.

5. I was so embarrassed by recent posts I wrote. But, a few days later, when I went back and read them, I actually loved what I wrote.

Then today I read an old post where I'm super angsty. I had blogged as I was experiencing a major self-esteem crisis. And I loved my writing there too.

I think I'm at my best (writing-wise) when I'm in the midst of embarrassing turmoil.

6. Wondered if my writing is the worst when I'm cheerful and confident.

7. Realize fully that not everyone is going to share my opinion about my writing. Subtracting the people who hate all my writing. Out of those who remain, some may be annoyed or feel uncomfortable with my angst. They might like my writing only when I'm cheerful. Or at least prefer it when I'm cheerful.

8. I'm not going to fake despair or push myself into despair in order to write the type of blog posts my future self will prefer. She and I understand, it's not needed. These things come naturally for us.

9. Wouldn't it be funny if I've jinxed us and now my life is going to be full of success, joy, and high self-esteem?  

Various Thoughts about Disney, Writing, and other Things

1. I learned that Morgana O'Reilly from Neighbours is going to be on the third season of White Lotus.  I'm excited about that.

2. It's freezing cold in Texas which stresses me out a lot.  But my stress was higher before the freeze than it is now during the freeze.

Earlier I was most scared about our pipes freezing and then exploding.  Now I'm kind of numb to that possibility and am stressing about the water I put out for the cat who visits daily/nightly.  The cat came early this morning and was met with a bowl of frozen water.

I've twice brought the bowl in, defrosted the water in the sink, and then put new water out.

It freezes so fast.  It's hard to keep up with it.

3. How do animals drink in the winter?  I should Google that.

4. I Googled and didn't easily find anything reassuring.

5. I've been watching Season 5 of All Saints lately.  It's a huge comfort show for me.  I think, for the most part, that's what Australia has become for me now.  A source of comfort television...and also probably comfort music.  

6. Some nights ago, I had a epiphany that could have been painful but was instead quite comforting.  

It's along the lines of I'm quite up there in age and very likely won't find any success as a writer.

It's very much not the first time I considered this. but it was the first time it made me feel more good than bad.

Why did it make me feel good?  

I'm not sure, but I think it's because I have felt all this inner pressure to keep working via various avenues to try to find success.  

Like I need to keep trying and trying even though I will probably fail.

There's peace in knowing it's okay to give up.

7. I wonder if writing this post negates what I wrote in #6.

8. What is the point of writing and posting?

9. I'm thinking though I'm not too bothered by the lack of writing success, I am bothered...haunted...by the idea of the world being oversaturated with content.  So many books being written, so many TV shows.

Fan fiction

Blogs

Podcasts

Message Boards

Social Media Posts

10. There is nothing inherently horrible about the world having too much content to read.  It just means, though, that a lot of writers will never be paid.  Or they won't be paid well.  And if that's not bad enough....there's really not enough people with enough time to give all writers the readers that they want.

I will be lucky if one reader has the time to read this post.

11. I have probably said this way too many times, but I'm going to say it again.  I really believe that content consuming is just as valuable to our society as content creating.  Probably even more so now that AI can create.

12. I've been getting a lot of enjoyment from planning a novel series.  I'm creating various unpublished blog posts to jot down various ideas, plans, etc.

I love doing this but don't at all love the idea of actually writing the novel.

But when I think of not-writing-the-novel, all the note taking seems pointless, and I feel compelled to quit the project all together.

So I have to keep pretending that I plan to write the novel.

13. What's the point of writing a novel if no one is going to read it...that even if the novel is brilliant, people still won't read it, simply because they don't have time, because there are a ton of other brilliant things out there to read.

14. I can barely even find hope in the idea of my future relatives reading my stuff.  They too will have too many things to read.

15. If I do write my novel, it will be impossible to promote, because it's going to lack structure, character arcs, high concept ideas, etc.

I think it's going to be like an ongoing soap opera about mundane life.

I mean it might have those things to some degree.  But it won't have enough of those things to easily describe in a compelling sentence or two.  

16. Although playing around with world building for a novel I might never write does bring me some joy, what brings me much more joy is enjoying fiction created by other people.  I plan to spend the rest of my life doing more of the things that bring me feelings of joy and comfort.

I read a Judy Blume book on the plane (Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself).  Reading the book gave me so many good feelings.  I want more of that.

17. I'm addicted to The Simpsons: Tapped Out  

Tim had been playing it...somewhat obsessively.

I decided to try playing it, mostly as a kind of gesture of interest and support.

I secretly thought it was boring and couldn't see the appeal.  

At first.

And then as I unlocked more characters and buildings, it became better and better.

I love it.

Now I'm often playing it, and Tim rarely does.  

I don't really care about the dialogue and storylines. I kind of zoom through it all.  I just like the accumulating, collecting, rearranging, etc.  

18. Jack has suggested we try Universal Studios again, since we're so much into thrill rides. I did some research and ended up learning that, like Disney, Universal has a bunch of different hotels.  It too is a whole big resort-thing.

What if it's just as good as Disney World.  Or even better?  

There are times I love being a DVC member, sometimes so much so that I want us to buy even more points.

Other times, I wish we weren't DVC members.  Right now I'm leaning towards that, because it would be easy than to try doing a Universal Studios vacation.  We could stay at a Universal Studios resort, go to the Universal Parks, have early entry to the Universal parks, etc.  

It's a pain to get from Disney to Universal Studios.  We're either going to have to pay for parking or take a Lyft.

19. I think, in the end, I will probably always prefer Disney.  With that in mind, I'm glad to be DVC members.  

20. In the past few years, we farewelled Jack's childhood/teenage home, the family lake house, and my parent's house. So many changes.  Disney World is a constant in our life.  The Beach Club really is like a second home to us.  

21. Last year, Tim and I had considered going to Disney World together without park days.  Then we changed it to going to Vero Beach, and I realized I felt really blah about the whole thing.  We ended up canceling the plan.

I'm still feeling blah about Vero Beach.  But I think I could actually enjoy a Disney vacation without going to the parks.  

It would probably be easier staying at a resort that's not a few steps away from Epcot.

On our non-park days and also on our non-park-hopping days, I felt a sort of longing and regret seeing Epcot right there, knowing we couldn't just walk in.  

22. The feelings of longing and regret is probably preferable to the feelings of exhaustion and obligation I have when we have annual passes or park days for every day of the trip.  

23. Just as I have longing and regret for the parks when we're not in them, I also have a sort of longing and/or FOMO about the resorts.  I tend to have this feeling that everyone else at the resort is fully there and fully taking advantage of all the amenities.  

Thinking about this....I don't have that sort of feeling about the parks and all the other people there.  So I think maybe we do spend enough time in the parks, and maybe I actually need more resort time.

I think I need to spend more time at the pool, not necessarily swimming or even bothering to put on a swim suit.  But maybe I need more time sitting near the pool, ordering from the pool bar, etc.

24. I might write more posts like this.  I get interrupted a lot from the cats and from Tim.  I've lost most of my ability to handle interruptions while writing.  And with posts like this, it's much more tolerable to lose my train of thought.  

It's easier to hop back on.  

25. It will be extremely hard for me to write a novel with all the interruptions.  

26. Maybe instead of writing a novel, I'll just jot down information about the novel in posts like this.

27. The main character in my maybe-novel is Kelly Feldman.  She's Jewish and autistic (but not diagnosed).  She has an older sister named Ruby.  Her father is a successful writer.  Their family owns and manages a movie theater that was gifted to them from Kelly's maternal grandparents.  

The grandparents own a whole movie theater business.

28. The maybe-novel takes place between 2004-2010 and is mostly about Kelly's obsession with the TV show Lost.  I don't know if that would be the main storyline or just a kind of background thing.  

29. My idea is to have different novels in different time periods focusing on different women in Kelly's family.

So while the first book would be about Kelly; the second book would be about one of Kelly's paternal aunts and would take place between 1978-1985.

30. I have various time periods marked off as possibilities for books

A) 1974-1981

B) 1982-1988

C) 1986-1991

D) 1990-1995

E) 1995-2001

F) 2004-2010

G) 2007-2013

H) 2014-2021

Each time period represents some kind of era in my own life.  Though I'm not sure what each era is anymore.

Let's see.....

B is my Poltergeist obsession era

G is the years where we took our three trips to Australia

E is the time from starting to date Tim and becoming a parent with Tim.  I think?

C might be the years that my special interest was Cystic Fibrosis. 

D is my college years.  Probably?

I have no idea what A is.  

31. The three things I love about the maybe-novel planning is 

A) making things up

B) having an extra purpose for research.  I love doing research and having an imagined reason for the research makes the research extra enjoyable.

C) I love having a reason to think about and dwell in pop culture nostalgia.  Though when I think about actually turning it into a project, it stresses me out.  

For example, I plan to send the Feldmans on Disney World trips.  I have them going on big family trips in 1986, 1991, 1996, 2001, 2006...and then Kelly's mom Elizabeth went with her family to Disneyland in 1968 and Disney World in 1972, 1977, and 1982.

While we were at Disney World, I thought about all this and started stressing about the research and remembering I will need to do in order to write about life at Disney World without the My Disney Experience app. 

D) Figuring out which rides, restaurants, and resorts were around and not around will be easy.  I think all that can easily be found on Wikipedia or other sites.  

32. One of my research things is reading a Livejournal Community for Lost fans.   

I had made a sort of rule for myself that I would start with the writing of the novel after I finished reading the community postings from 2004-2005.  Since I am reading in very small bites, this will take me several months.  

But I don't think I want to start writing the novel months from now.

If I write the novel, I think I want to write it years from now.

33. I had felt this need to start the novel soon, because I'm getting old, and what if I'm to die in my fifties and never finish this project?

But I think it will be perfectly fine if I never finish the project or if I don't even start writing at all.

34. It would be awesome if I spend all my fifties having a great time planning the novel and then spend my 60's writing the novels.

35. I am pretty sure I'm okay with not being a successful writer.  

36. I am trying to figure out if I still like the idea of being a successful writer.  

Would it be wonderful, okay, or kind of awful to have people read and like my writing?

Of course, it would be wonderful in some ways.  But it would also be incredibly stressful.

Would the good outweigh the bad?

37. We're watching Party Down,  Martin Starr's character, the failed novelist and blogger, is highly relatable to me.  

38. I used to love the idea of young people loving my writing.  Having children and tweens be big fans of my work.  Being adored by the young.

That has faded, though.  And now I like the idea of old people reading my stuff...especially old women.

I'd like to be popular in retirement homes.  

39.  Again, I'm questioning what I wrote in #6.  What is the point of writing and posting if I expect my writing to be ignored?

What if the point of writing and posting if I'm okay with my writing being ignored?

Am I okay with my writing being ignored?

40. Maybe I am okay with my writing being ignored, and I can still enjoy writing and posting while expecting my writing to be ignored.

If it comes to the point that I'm too much NOT okay with my writing being read....

If I become too anxious about the idea of people reading my writing, then that will be the time to stop writing and posting.

I do have waves of feeling that way.  But it's probably at a tolerable level right now.

41. It would be a waste of time, energy, and emotional health to write, post, and then worry about people reading my writing when people are not likely to read what I've written.  

42. It would also be bad to be a popular writer who has horrible anxiety about people reading their stuff.  But it would be less ridiculous.  

Less ridiculous but probably a zillion more times stressful.  

43. I was about to end this but now feel compelled to say something about Israel.  A few weeks ago, I was obsessed with the whole thing.  Now I'm less so.

It's too complicated for me to go into it on a thorough level (in this post)

On a personal level, I'm on that small isolated island of left-wing Zionists.  We're rejected by most people on the left.  I think probably 99% of non-Jewish left-wing people hate Zionists and believe Israel should not exist.

I think most right-wing Gentiles and right-wing Jews agree with Donald Trump and Elon Musk's view of us—that Israel is a fantastic place and progressive-Jews are a betrayal of both Israel and the United States.  

44. I am so incredibly thankful for the few people out there that are progressive and Zionist.  I'm thankful for the Jewish ones and thankful for the extremely rare non-Jewish ones.   

45. I knew that antisemitism on the left existed.  But I would have expected it to be at the level that if something like October 7 happened, people would put aside their negative feelings....

Kind of like if someone has a turbulent relationship with a family member but at the level that if the family member was rushed to the hospital, they'd soon be there at the family member's bedside.  

I would have expected most people to put their anti-Israel feelings on pause and show a bunch of compassion towards Israelis and Jews.  

I would not have expected the opposite to happen.  

46. I just realized that the rushing-to-the-bedside scenario is kind of what happened with most progressive Jews.  A lot of us had very ambivalent feelings towards Israel...especially during the Trump years.  

October 7 had us rushing to Israel's bedside (in a symbolic sense. Though I think some have done so more literally).  

47. Reading about history and seeing all the past wars, battles, geographic boundaries etc. gives me hope that there will come a day when Jews and Palestinians manage to share the land and have peace and prosperity. Well, at least with each other.  Then they'll probably be allies against some other groups out there.  

48. It's not just a they.

It's a we.

It's not to the same degree to all those who live there...or those who have sadly died there.

But I think everyone in the Jewish or Palestinian diaspora is also a part of the whole thing.  

49. Maybe in the 2050's, there will be a reboot of The White Lotus.  And the first season will take place on the beautiful, thriving beaches of Gaza.  The resort will be managed by a lesbian couple—a Palestinian and an Israeli.  There will be fights, betrayals, and murder.  But none of it will have any connection to the question of who does and does not belong on the piece of land.  

50. I enjoyed writing this post but it took a lot of time and energy...which I would rather spend on other things.  So....it might be the last post I write for awhile.  

  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online

Things I Watched in 2023

Here is my yearly list of things I watched via various streaming platforms...and in one very rare time, at the movie theater.

Red denotes shows or movies I disliked.

Blue denotes shows I especially loved.  Though sometimes I forget the love I felt if a lot of time has passed between watching the show and making the list. The love often fades.  More recent watchings are more likely to be blue.  

Never mind that.  I'm ending that part of my tradition.  It's too hard for me to decide whether or not I simply liked a show or whether I loved it.  

I've divided the shows by location...in terms of where it was set rather than where it was filmed.

Some shows might be listed for multiple places.

If you're interested, here is my list for 2017, 2020, 2021, and 2022 list.

One big thing I almost forgot to mention is I completely changed the way I do my to-watch list.

My old way involved having a limited number of spaces for shows/movies on the list—idea being I needed to finish and cross off a movie or show before adding something new.  

Now I'm using the same method I use for my author's list. There is no limit to the number of things on the list.  And before adding to the list, I don't take time to make sure it's not already on the list. 

I'm fine with things being on the list multiple times. Sometimes I actually purposely add things multiple time, so there will be more of a chance that Random.org will choose it for me. 

I was going to list which seasons of a show I've watched, but I've decided that's going to make the list too clunky and complicated.  I might do it sometimes.

Warning: I might have things wrong about the setting of the Marvel movies we watched.  My memory is muddled.  If any particular experts want to help by correcting me, I would feel appreciative and not offended. 

AUSTRALIA

Neighbours-Having Neighbours return, and be available for me to easily watch, was one of the top best things that happened to me this year. I've been watching the current episodes and slowly making my way through the provided Classic Neighbours episodes.  

All Saints-Every few years, Random.org gifts me with another season of this show.  I feel emotionally attached.  

Deadloch- This was one of the very rare times that Tim and I watched an Australian TV show together.  I almost quit after the first episode, because I misunderstood what it was. I thought it was supposed to be a parody of shows like Broadchurch.  I was picturing like a Naked Gun/Airplane kind of thing.  So watching the first episode, it just felt really off.  Like the show had failed at what it was trying to do.  Then I realized it was more of a drama-comedy-mystery.  Or a drama-mystery with comic relief characters.  After accepting the show for what it was supposed to be, I loved it.  

DENMARK

The Bear Only one episode.  That particular episode gave me a lot of anxiety and dread, because we had plans to go on a trip to Copenhagen, and I was extremely anxious about traveling.  But it all had a happy ending. I ended up having a wonderful time on the trip 

GERMANY

All the Light We Cannot See-Wasn't interested in this when my parents highly recommended it but then became interested when I saw an actor from Dark was one of the stars. 

Unorthodox-Inspired to watch this after watching Shira Haas in Bodies.  And I had also read the book this year and liked that a lot.  

I'm hoping Disney doesn't cave to pressure and that we'll be able to see Haas in the new Captain America movie.  

ISRAEL

Fauda- Currently watching this.  I've read reviews saying it's biased against Palestinians.  From what I've seen so far, it seems much less biased than I would have expected from an Israeli TV show about the conflict. 

I think it shows Palestinians in a very sympathetic way and sometimes shows Israelis in a quite negative way.  Really...all in all, it seems fairly sympathetic towards both sides.  

A pessimistic, judgmental side of me feels some reviewers would see this show as unbiased and fair only if all the the Israelis were shown as completely evil, heartless oppressive colonizers and the Palestinians as angelic, loving, innocent victims.  

ITALY

Mrs. Davies 

A Haunting in Venice- I liked the set design but besides that...didn't really love this one. 

JAPAN

Invasion 

NETHERLANDS

Ted Lasso-I loved that episode.  Though like The Bear's travel episode, this one also gave me anxiety, because of our upcoming trip.  Unlike some people I know, I don't continue to confuse the Danish with the Dutch.  However, it still made me think of our upcoming trip, because of the canal, Europe in general, etc.  

NORWAY-

Thor: Love and Thunder I forget where else it takes place. In the Metaverse? The Multiverse? Another Planet?  

SOUTH KOREA

Uncanny Counter 

Extraordinary Attorney Woo- I tried working on Korean by rewatching one of the episodes repeatedly.  Then I got tired of it and stopped.

Burning-Critics and reviewer people seemed to like this one much more than Tim and I did.  

Business Proposal-Fictional Australians seem to die tragically from being hit by a car while walking, standing, picking up someone else's bulk trash, etc.  Koreans seem to be in danger of losing their parents as children and teens via a car accident.  This is the case for this show, Uncanny Counter, and also Sweet Home.  Are there others I've forgotten?  

I should say that I've watched a teeny tiny fraction of the Korean dramas that are out there.  There may be a more common way for fictional Koreans to die.

UNITED KINGDOM

Black Mirror 

Ted Lasso-The ending gave me a lot of sadness in the same way The Good Place gave me a lot of sadness.  I mean sadness for the same type of reason.  

Invasion

Bodies-I liked this show a lot until I read about the massive differences to the comic book.  I really need to stop trying to compare books with shows.  It messes too much with my head when there are huge changes.  Especially if the changes are enormous.  With the TV series, time travel seemed very much to be the main point of the whole story.  Then I learn that time travel didn't play a part at all in the original material.

Coronation Street-This...and now Neighbours...are my constants.  I don't rely on Random.org to pick it for me.  I try hard to watch it every day that an episode is available to me.  

THE UNITED STATES

Lucifer-I love this show to the point that I sometimes feel stupid for allowing my viewing to be ruled so much by Random.org.  It's sad to consider that it may be twenty years later before I watch season 5.  On the other hand, I think I will feel a huge loss when I finish watching the show.  So, it's kind of nice living my life knowing I still have two seasons left to watch

Nashville- Speaking of....This one took me a long time to get back to.  There were some years between my watching season two and three.  Again, though, it's nice knowing I have more seasons left to watch.

Mythic Quest 

Crown Heights

Bosch

The Peripheral-I liked the idea of this more than the result.  

Only Murders in the Building-I love this show. It brings me a very happy kind of nostalgia to see Steve Martin and Martin Short.  

Parenthood- This was a hate-like show for me.  

It was the most offensive show dealing with autism I have ever seen.  It made my blood boil. It's as if someone took the infamous Autism Speaks promotional video and said, Hey, let's turn this into a TV show. But I liked the other aspects of the show and enjoyed seeing how it actually does connect to the movie. 

Yellow Jackets- I'm not sure where the plane crashed, though. 

This is Us- I love this show...and it's another one where I worry Random.org won't ever pick again for me but at the same time am glad I still have seasons left to watch.  

The Good Doctor

The Last of Us

Law and Order- I watched just a couple of episodes while staying at my parent's house for a few nights. 

The Wire-Rewatched a portion of the first episode when staying with my parents.  They hadn't seen it before, and I had wondered if they might like it.  

Chicago Med- Another show my parents shared with me.  

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend-Rewatched a couple of episodes with my parents.  My staycation at their house  was like a TV show Show and Tell kind of thing. They liked this show more than The Wire.  To be fair, I loved The Wire, but it took me several episodes before I got into it. 

Servent-I'm impressed that this show took a very dark and depressing subject and somehow turned it into a wild, fun, addictive roller coaster.  

Spiderman: No Way Home 

Avengers: Infinity War  

Avengers: EndGame

Bodies Bodies Bodies 

Beef-This was beautiful.  I wanted...needed it to end a certain way.  And it did.  So I was very satisfied with that.  

Werewolf by Night- I think?  Or did it take place elsewhere?  I can't remember.  I Googled and couldn't easily find the answer. 

The Magicians

From- I became somewhat obsessed with this show.  I love it but at the same time I worry it borrows from the worst qualities of Lost (which I love, love, love while at the same time recognizing its flaws) 

Mrs. Davies

13 Reasons Why 

The Brady Bunch- I added a lot of nostalgic stuff to my list...and old stuff I haven't ever watched. 

To really feel old school, I sometimes add these shows by individual seasons. Because in the past, we just watched things as they came along via syndication.  We didn't start with episode 1.  So with The Brady Bunch, I ended up with season 4.  The one with the Hawaii adventure.

The Wilds-I'm not sure where the island is supposed to be.  I forget.  Though I Googled and saw it was filmed in New Zealand.  

I watched this after watching the first season of Yellow Jackets and declared that I preferred it much more to Yellow Jackets.  But then we watched season two of Yellow Jackets and...well now it's about even.

Mario Bros

The Bear

Black Mirror

Invasion

The Afterparty-Tim and I enjoyed this one a lot.  The premise is a lot of fun and well-executed.  

What We Do in the Shadows- I like the storyline about Guillermo's new development 

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia- I liked this show but much less than Tim does.  But I watched only the first season.  Maybe if I watch more seasons, it will grow on me more.  

Ratched-I liked this, but I I have problems with sympathetic character who we know are doomed to become villains. I had the same feelings about Bates Motel.

A Knock at the Cabin

Haunted Mansion- I liked this much more than I expected to.  

Totally Killer

The Blackening

Renfield

Loki 

American Horror Story: Hotel- Tim often rewatches shows that I haven't seen yet.  This was one of the rare times that I rewatched a show that he hadn't seen yet.  

Upload 

Leave the World Behind

Unorthodox-

Barbie-We watched this a few nights ago, and I loved, loved, loved, loved, loved it.

The Fall of the House of Usher-This is what we're currently watching.  So far, neither Tim nor I are loving it.  But hopefully we will grow to like it as we get further in.  

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special-(eta) Tim and I watched this one Christmas Eve.  We both loved the songs and are wanting to listen to more music from the heroic Kevin Bacon and Old 97's.

 I had some confusion—some annoyed-confusion—over whether we were dealing with A) A Kevin Bacon from a universe in which The Avengers and other Marvel characters are real people known for saving the world B) A universe where The Avengers exist as fictional characters.  C)A universe in which Marvel Characters exist but are unknown by regular people.  

Kevin Bacon's initial reaction gave me the sense that it was the third option which didn't sit well with me.  BUT...thinking about it...even if we lived in a world where people with super human abilities existed and are known of by the general public, it wouldn't mean these people would be commonplace.  And if some unusual beings came to our door, we might assume they were people in costume.  

Party Down (eta) The existence of this show scares me, because it has quite a few well-known actors and seems fairly well-liked.  Yet I've never heard of it.  

And I'm someone who spends a lot of time on IMDb.  

No, I don't think something supernatural is going on.  It's just...for me...evidence...that there's way too much content out there.  It's impossible to keep up.  That would be okay...except I have major FOMO when it comes to TV shows.  

The Other Two (eta)

LOCATION UNKNOWN 

The Menu-I found aspects of this offensive but also found it somewhat interesting and entertaining.  

From

NOT EARTH 

The 100 - Watched season 2.  It had been a long time since I watched season 2, so it took me awhile to get into it and to care about the characters again.  But once I did, I enjoyed it.  

Avengers: Endgame

Solo: A Star Wars Story 

Foundation-Tim offered to rewatch with me, because he liked it a lot.  I was unable to get into it, I dropped out.

Black Mirror-

The Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special 

MULTIVERSE

(I struggled labeling this, because technically speaking all fiction happens in not-our-universe

Spiderman: No Way Home 

Avengers: Infinity War (I think?  I kind of forget, actually) 

Spiderman: Across the Spiderverse-I would have probably liked this more if I had seen the first movie, before going to the theater to watch this. Speaking of, I think this was actually the one time that Tim and I saw a movie at an actual theater this year.  Jack had invited us to go.  I think movie-going has become something we do only when it offers us a chance to go on a field trip with our child. 

Loki

MYSTICAL PLACE 

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever- I liked the ending with the song much more than I liked the rest of the movie. 

House of Dragon-Tim and I had to really struggle to get ourselves to like this. We managed to sort of like it by the end but not enough to want to watch any future seasons of it.  

I can imagine that for huge fans of the Westeros universe, the show might have been satisfying.  But for me, it didn't ease my longing for Game of Thrones.  It just made me feel confused and frustrated.  The characters are just too distant from the GOT characters.

It's like...would a show about the great-great-great-great-great grandparents of Monica and Ross satisfy people who miss watching Friends?

Thor Raganok 

The Magicians 

Mario Bros 

Dungeons and Dragons-This movie does a good job of being accessible to those of us who never played the game.

Lost-I totally forgot I watched this (season 3) until looking at my records.  Which is strange, because I'm actually playing around with writing a novel about a fan of Lost. 

By playing around I mean I'm doing research, taking notes, creating character and family bios, etc. with no huge desire to actually write the novel.  

I'm having fun with the journey, though.  If I think about it as a waste of time, I tell myself it's similar to playing Minecraft or Sims.  It's just about having fun with my imagination and my love of researching.  

Yes, I'd rather have a finished product, and I'd want that finished product to be read and liked by others.  But if it's not read and if I don't even write it...that's all okay too.  

Thor: Love and Thunder-I'm struggling here, trying to remember if it would also fit into the multiverse.  Maybe all The Avengers movies do?  

The Santa Clauses- See? Tim Allen was not fired from Disney for not being Woke enough or too white. I've never actually seen the movies.  But I liked the show. A little bit.  It was corny but enjoyable.

ONLINE

The Peripheral 

Upload 

MULTIPLE LOCATIONS

How to be a Tyrant-One of the few documentaries I watched 

Lost-

Invasion

Behind the Attraction-Another documentary.  We watched only...I think two episodes?  I liked it at first but then I felt it got old after awhile. It was probably less about the subject matter and more about the format?   

Well....

That's it for now.  I will probably add shows/movies that I watch in the last few weeks.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Sorry This Isn't Holiday Related Nor Holiday-Cheerful

I am functioning pretty okay today.

But underneath the functioning, I feel a mix of

anxiety

despair

dread

guilt

shame

embarrassment

uneasiness 

disillusionment

Ah....now I'm thinking that the last one might be the cause of the ones above it.

I think what happens is I sometimes feel great joy and excitement about small things.  Then I suddenly realize those small things aren't as good as I imagined they would be.

OR...

Is it the opposite?

Are the other feelings causing my joy-for-small-things to fade?

* * *

In other feeling-news, I think I'm torn between three plans.

A) Stop creating new content. Give up as much as possible.  Fade into the background. Spend the rest of my life being more of a listener and content consumer. (though still planning to make book-books from stuff I've already written in case it's my destiny to be more appreciated after I'm dead)

B) Keep creating content but expect and be okay with rarely having readers, listeners, viewers, etc.  And also that nagging feeling that the little attention I receive is probably hate-reading or pity-reading.  

C) Keep creating content.  Maybe this will be my year.

C feels incredibly doubtful to me.

A feels the most comfortable to me, but I keep failing at it.  Like for example: I'm writing this post.  

B is depressing and stressing.  It kind of makes me spiral.  Because I tend to have this belief that it's my destiny to fail. 

I tend to imagine that it's my destiny to create stuff that rarely gets seen and when it does get seen, it's almost always going to be disliked and/or rejected.

And I think that's actually kind of narcissistic, because maybe (I hate to admit this) there's that underlying feeling of: I make good stuff but the universe is punishing me for some reason and no matter how brilliant my creation is, I will continue to be rejected, because....

I'm cursed or something.

You know...instead of having the mentally healthy and reasonable stance of: The content I make is not total shit, but it's a little shitty.  Keep working and one day, it might be good...or great.

No...never mind that mindset doesn't work for me.

If I was younger, maybe it would.

Now I'm old and feeling that if, after all these years of writing, I'm not good enough...I will never be good enough.

I mean it's not like I'm a cute little 50-year-old woman that suddenly decided to pick up a writing-hobby.  I've been doing this writing and failing thing since the age of twelve.  

If I'm a bad writer, it's NOT from a lack of practice and training.  

* * *

I have a lot of ageism.

Or maybe it's realism.

I know that people are successful in their 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, etc.  I know old people can do great things.  But I think usually they were already very successful...or they were at least nicely climbing their way up to success.

I don't think there are many cases of people being failures and then suddenly past 50, they're suddenly successful. Sure. It does happen.  But it's rare enough that when it does happen, somewhere someone is probably going to write an inspirational article about it.  

* * *

I'm actually now thinking (hoping) that maybe my delusional feelings aren't narcissistic.  I think with narcissism, there's a belief that we're brilliant and superior; but other people, because they are inferior, are unable to appreciate our wonderfulness.  

I don't feel that. 

My feeling is more along the lines of: the content I create is good enough.  Like all content, it's going to be brilliant, mediocre, or terrible...all depending on who is reading or hearing it.  And not because they are superior or inferior to me but just because we all have different likes and dislikes.

(For example: The Sandman is a 9 to some.  For me, it's like...a 7)

What I imagine is, I will continue to fail, because it's my destiny to create stuff that's usually not seen or heard at all.  And in the rare cases that it is seen and heard, it's going to be seen and heard by people who don't like me or my creations.  

* * *

I think a lot of autistic influencers write angsty stuff like this.

Woe is me.

I'm awkward.

I don't feel loved enough.

I'm a failure.

I've always been unpopular.....

Their content is very relatable to other autistic people. 

Then one day it becomes: Oh cool! I have a few followers.  This is SO wonderful.

Then: Oh wow!  I have two hundred followers.  People like me!

Then: If you're interested in supporting me, please join my Patreon.  It will give you access to my private chat group. 

When they get to the point of being successful influencers, does it make sense for them to continue to take on role of the lonely, rejected, angsty, awkward, autistic person? That's been their shtick.  Should they keep on with that?  

This is something I've thought about lately but am not personally worried about.  Because A) I don't have much hope in being successful B) If my curse and my destiny changes; (yeah, I'm going to fall back on that narrative) even though I have a fair bit of angsty posts like this, I have other stuff as well)

* * *

I turned off comments on this post, and I think I'm going to turn off comments on any future angsty posts like this.

Because 

A) I worry, that in parts, it sounds like I'm fishing for compliments.  

B) I HATE getting compliments, reassurances, pep talks, etc. when I'm in this kind of mood.

C) If I leave comments open; I see people reading; and no one is saying anything, the automatic assumption is that they hate me, I'm a burden, my blog's a burden, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  

 * * *

I wish I could say that writing this post has made me feel better about things.

But really...it just makes me feel stressed and behind with the various things I meant to get done today.  

* * *

(Edited to add)

I think I might be coming up with a plan for myself.

I'm going to make it public, because it will push me to stick with the plan.  Because breaking private plans is hard enough.  Breaking public-made plans is humiliating.

So....

My plan for 2023 is to.....

A) Take a year-long hiatus from blogging.  I'm going to publish my 2022 What-I-Watched post and maybe that will be my last post until I do my 2023 What-I-Watched-Post.  

I say maybe because if my curse is lifted and a miracle happens; if my blog suddenly becomes popular, I give myself permission to exit the hiatus.  

B) I'm going to try to post less on social media—spend more time consuming than creating.  This will save me the angst of wondering, why are my cousins never liking or commenting on my posts.  And...Did this person really like my post or are they just going to my profile and quickly liking the last few posts?  

C) I'm going to make four more episodes of my podcast before completely giving up.  If I still have only 1-2 listeners per episode, I give myself permission to label that venture a failure.

Note: I'd be totally happy with having only one or two listeners.  But I'm pretty sure the listeners I'm seeing listed in stats are just my own self.

Note 2: I just got back to doing my podcast. I did two episodes in May and gave up.  Then I realized that if a miracle happens and someone does see my podcast listed and it IS a subject they're interested in, they probably won't listen to it if they see that there are only two episodes and that I haven't made any new episodes for seven months.  But today, I did a third episode, and I plan to do four more in the next few weeks or more.  

D) I don't need to feel guilty about my hiatus, because I am going to be working on making a concrete, tangible Lulu version of one of my novels and some of my blog.  So it's not like I'm abandoning my creative side all-together.  

E) I'm trying to ignore the nagging voice that's saying I should at least create the content that promotes other content.  AMPLIFY VOICES!   But I have such low influence. My weak promotional whispers aren't really amplifying.  And I'll be at least quietly amplifying the books I read with the little Goodreads widget to the right.  

F) I will be honest and brave enough to admit that there's a part of me that believes I AM cursed and the cure to this curse is to go on a year hiatus.  I will spend some parts of this next year swimming in this delusion.  But mostly, I'm going to replace my content-creating time with content-consuming.  I'm going to hopefully read more, watch more, and listen more.   

The hardest thing will probably
be not sharing all my AI art.
But someone on Mastodon 
said something that made me think.
They said that
There's so much art being created and
probably not enough eyes to see it all.
So we should probably just make it
for our own eyes.
Plus, I know the concept of AI art is
terrifying and offensive to some.
So I feel somewhat uneasy
when I post stuff. 

 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Update on What I Wrote about Towards the End of My Last Post

I'm feeling better about things now.

I'm still plagued by my phobia, OCD, and various anxieties. But I've kind of pushed that to the back of my mind for now—both the issues themselves and the issue of how to treat/deal with them.

I had worried that I had quit/took a hiatus at the wrong time, because I had just paid for a subscription to Haaretz.  I worried that I wouldn't enjoy reading it "just for fun", because it would remind me that I had taken a break from writing the posts, and that would make me sad.

That turned out to be a false prediction.  I'm totally fine reading Haaretz.

I actually felt better morning after I posted and probably could have returned to writing the Nazi-Jew-Holocaust-Israel posts.  But....

Maybe I felt foolish jumping right back in.

I decided to continue on with the break and work on other things.  One project I've started to work on is printing out a copy of my novel The Dead are Online. I had should have done that back in 2014 but never got around to it.

Certain discussions in my family and the Station Eleven miniseries are probably what inspired me to finally start working on the project.

I've had this worry lately that the world as we know it is going to end...probably from what I hear on the news AND from watching Station Eleven.

I imagine the Internet going away.  Bye bye Cloud.  And there goes my dream of descendants and other future people reading all the shit that I've written.  (I mean lately. I have a bin of manuscripts that I wrote decades ago).

I'm planning to use Lulu.com. 

Just getting the right dimensions on Google Docs for a trade paperback took me hours.

Now I'm very slowly going through and changing the novel from third person present tense to third person past tense.  I'm hoping that this will make the novel more readable.  

I've been kind of tempted to modernize the book—change the 2014 pop culture references to ones more relevant to 2022.  But I think I'm going to refrain from doing so.  

I'm also considering...if I rewrite the novel for a trade book version, maybe I should update the e-book.

Yeah.  I'll probably do that.  

Or maybe not.

My plan for the trade book version is to make only one copy and keep it for myself at home.  Then at some point, maybe I'll read it and if I'm not horrified by a bunch of mistakes I missed, I'll maybe buy other copies and try to sell them or give them away.

OR it might be enough to have just the one copy for myself and the (fantasy) relative who will one day discover the dusty book and decide to read it.  

As for my Nazi/Jew/Holocaust/Israel posts....

A day or two ago, I decided that I didn't want to stop the Eleanor Roosevelt posts. Though I was tired of them and very ready to move onto the next thing, abandoning the project made me uneasy.  Part of it was about being uneasy with quitting...which in itself should be ignored.  We shouldn't stick with projects just because we're ashamed to quit.

BUT I also feel there is more to learn from Roosevelt.  

Or maybe I feel some kind of emotional attachment to her column.

I decided that I would finish the project but space those posts out between other posts.  

I was eager to get on with all the other post ideas.  I have so many of them.

BUT.....

Today I'm questioning if I want to continue the posts in the first place.

I was all into the research posts, telling myself it doesn't matter if I have a ton of readers, because I was mostly doing it for myself.  And I couldn't just research without writing it in a post....

I felt it wouldn't work.

But then last night I ended up learning that the real life allegedly-possessed child who inspired The Exorcist novel and movie grew up to work for NASA.  

Whether he was truly possessed, a creative prankster, misdiagnosed, abused, telekinetic, or the target of a poltergeist, the fact that Ronald Hunkeler had a long successful life and helped us get to space....it brings me joy.

And it gave me something to obsessively research last night and today.

I played with the story on Google Maps looking at the various Ronald-Hunkeler-related buildings on Street View.  

I thought I needed to blog while going on such journeys.  

But it turns out...I don't.

That's not saying I won't do more research posts.  

I'll just have to imagine there's a purpose beyond "I'm mostly doing it for myself".

It's kind of hard to imagine there is a purpose beyond that.  

I suspect my research posts are mostly annoying, tedious, self-indulgent, way too long, etc.  But even if they are also brilliant and entertaining...the world is overflowing with content.  

I guess that's why I feel it's better to concentrate on PRINTED content...for when the Internet is gone and people are eagerly seeking content.

If the Lulu thing works out for my novel, I might also make books of some of my blog posts.  This might be a good idea for other bloggers...if they haven't done so already.  Not going to mention any names....

  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

 

Things Would Be More Fair If.....

One of the things that's hard for me as an autistic person...and specifically an introverted autistic person (there ARE extroverted autistic people, btw) is attending social gatherings...especially if it involves a large group and/or people I don't, or hardly, know.

(By large group: I mean over 5 people).

I don't hate these social gatherings.  I would be sad if they disappeared all together.  But I'd be more content if they were maybe three or four times a year....or at most once a month rather than multiple ones in a month or sometimes even multiple ones in two weeks.  

When you live in the same metroplex as fourteen other family members, these social events happen quite often.

There are birthday parties, graduations, performances, holidays, out-of-town relative-gatherings dinners-just-because, etc. 

I would be much more okay with all of this if there weren't obligations, requirements, or pressure to attend.  BUT there is.  

Every so often, we get a friendly no-obligation or no pressure.  That's appreciated!  It really is. Though depending on who gives the message, I'm often skeptical...knowing that in the history of our family, missing an event has brought about bad-mouthing, grudges, some variation of a silent treatment, etc.  

The thing is, we don't often get to see the reaction towards OUR misdeeds, but we get to see the reaction towards others who have committed similar sins.

So...I can be pretty certain that any missing of any event by any person is going to bring a lot of behind-the-back wrath.  

It's not always behind-the-back, though.  Sometimes it comes in the form of responding to a declined invitation with a curt "okay".  Maybe other people would interpret that okay with, No worries! I totally understand!  Maybe next time" Or: I understand that you are autistic and have ADHD, and these multiple gatherings are hard for you.  I'm totally okay with you having different needs, etc.  And if you are able to come to gatherings in the future, and there are ways for us to make things easier on you, please let us know!   

But I interpret the "okay" as:  I am about to blow my top, and I would like to write you a long email about how you are the most selfish person in this family, and you tend to ruin things. You are sick. You are ungrateful! I'm going to restrain myself, though and just write this one little word.  I hope you are feeling my anger, though.  Cause otherwise this gesture of mine is wasted, and I should have just written you that very angry email.   

By the way, if they were kind enough to ask about my accommodations, one thing I might say is that I appreciate them understanding that though it's the-more-the-merrier for them, that's not always the case for me.  Now of course I wouldn't demand to have control of the guest list for another family's birthday party or another family's special event. I wouldn't actually demand control of any guest list for any get-together.  But for more mutual gatherings, I would appreciate at least an (expressed) understanding that having strangers, or people I hardly know, make things more stressful for me.  EVEN if these guests are "nice"* 

The other thing is....

I feel there really should be more balance.

My family rarely reads my writing. And this has been the case for Teen-Dina, Young Adult Dina, New-Mom Dina, Obsessed-with-Australia Dina, Neurology-Issues-Dina, and Getting-diagnosed-with-Autism Dina.

They have rarely read my novels, my blog, my Livejournal (yes, at one point it was shared with them...multiple times), my screenplays, etc.   

Why?

They're too busy. 

Some of them don't like reading.  

Others love to read, but they just don't like reading the stuff that I write.  

It would be nice if the universe balanced.  So while I am expected to go to social events when I'm not into social events, they would be expected to read some of the stuff I've written....even if they're not really into reading or reading something their sister or daughter wrote.  

How about for each hour I give up for a social event...including drive time, they have to read around 1000 words. I imagine that would be fair.  (More than fair actually, because I Googled and supposedly it would take a slow reader 2 minutes to read 250 words.  So to make it truly equitable, it would be 7500 words)

Okay.  But let's say they really can't stomach my writing?  

How about as an alternative, they take the time to watch a video or article I've sent...for example, if I sent them a video about autism, because that's important to me, and I'd like them to be more understanding.  Maybe they could take the 5-15 minutes to watch a video or read an article or editorial?

To be fair, some family members DO at least do that...they watch the video or read the article I've sent.  I appreciate that.  The one who doesn't?  I think this person also happens to be the most demanding about us attending various events.  

I don't think there's any way to get me to totally love going to multiple social events within a limited amount of time.  But I do feel I'd be more eager to go if I was going to an event among people where I felt more celebrated and supported....where people knew what my recent screenplays were about. And they knew my various thoughts about our recent Disney trip. They knew which novels I have posted online. They knew most of my various thoughts about my autism-diagnosis-story. And they knew and understood the full nightmare of what I went through with the neurologist.  

I think there's an unsaid (or maybe even said) message in my family of, you should do this for us, because we would definitely do it for you.  Even though, you don't invite us to many events....if you did, we would definitely come.  

It's kind of an easy out for them.

It would be like me demanding that they read everything I've written while they write next to nothing...and then having the attitude of: You should read my writing, because if you wrote something, I'd definitely read what you've written.  

If I was in that situation, hopefully I'd stop and think...well, they're doing this for me.  And since they're not into writing, what other ways could I show support? Ah!  Maybe, even though, I'm not into social gatherings....I'll sacrifice some time and attend this crowded birthday party.  

Basically...you know what....I could have written this post in one sentence:  If you ask someone else to often go beyond their comfort zone, be kind and go beyond your comfort zone for them.   

 

*Wanted to note that telling me a person is "nice" doesn't make me feel reassured in any way.  Because I've learned in my family that "nice" equals "normal".  If my family wanted me to feel comfortable about a guest, they'd be better off saying "He's pretty weird and super obsessed with...."

That being said....my family's friends are often quite weird in some way.  I'd just be more won over if, when promoting these guests, the quirky aspects of them were emphasized rather than "nice".

What does "nice" even mean???  

I think too often it just means neurotypical friendliness.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate neurotypical friendliness if it's not over-the-top charming gregariousness. 

But more important than nice-to-meet-you-moment social skills, I think are things like being a good listener; being anti-racist; being not-sexist; being not-homophobic; being not-transphobic, believing in the importance of democracy; feeling that children are more precious than guns, etc.   

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

Mental Health Symptoms

 Around the same time that I downloaded the Dreaming App, I also downloaded a Symptom Tracker app.  

I had downloaded about three or four before finding one made by someone named Adam Cziko.

The Cziko one works best for me, because there are (for now) seemingly unlimited symptoms and treatment slots.  Plus, you get to write in your own terms vs. choosing from a list.

I have some weird symptom, so I really did not like that some of the other apps tried to fit my weird symptoms into a neat little rigid box.  And/Or limited the number of symptoms I can list. Because I got lots.  

My only worry about the Adam Cziko app is that it tells me to upload to premium for unlimited symptoms and treatments.  I'm open to uploading to premium.  But when I click on upgrade to Premium, I get this:

That would all make a bit of sense if this was a paid promotional post or another kind of arranged promotional post.  But it's not. The only logical explanation is that Adam Cziko is psychic and knew I was going to write this post eventually.  

Or maybe it's a lucky glitch.

My worry is that I'm going to become very dependent on the app; then suddenly get a message that my freebie days are over.  That won't be so bad if it's reasonably priced like the lucid dreaming app.  But what if the symptom app is $6 a month rather than $6 dollars a year?   Or what if it's $25 a month?  Or even higher than that?

I shall also have to make sure that something sneaky doesn't happen—that my promotional access doesn't quietly end without my realizing it and suddenly I've somehow renewed the subscription.  

Anyway....onto what I actually meant to talk about.

So...on the app, I have added various physical/neurological type symptoms.  And I also have seven mental health symptoms. I keep adding more.  I added one today.  It's not as if the added symptoms are new.  It's more like I thought I could just stick the symptom under another category but then realized it's better to have a separate thing.  Or in some cases, maybe I feel kind of....something? I'm not sure the feeling.  But I feel reluctant to add new symptoms.  

Maybe it's like I feel I'm being greedy.  

So....

The first symptom I added was anxiety. It's all that dreadful worrying.  

I'd say about 10% of my worrying comes from known imminent threats and the other 90% comes from being in touch with reality.  I mean bad things DO happen.  I'm not going to sit here and say my anxiety is irrational.  If I worried that a Great White Shark was going to come through the toilet and bite off my ass, THAT would be irrational.  But there's a lot of bad shit that happens in the world.  I worry about bad things happening, and I worry about people I love being hurt or feeling super hurt.  

I also worry about things that other people would see as small stuff.  Like vomiting.  Because it's a phobia of mine.  Or I worry about how people are going to react to a text I sent.  I have a fair bit of social anxiety...or probably more precisely communication anxiety.  It's this worry that I may have accidentally wrote the wrong thing....like an offensive Freudian slip.  Or that I said what I meant to say but now I've made someone horribly mad.

On the symptom app, you get to mark the symptom each day as being none, mild, moderate, or severe.  Well...none is actually marked by default.  Otherwise, that would be a pain to have to go through and mark every single thing.  But anyway...this allows you to see how often and how strong the symptom is for you.

I have anxiety a lot: 5 none days. 14 mild.  17 moderate.

The next symptom I added was insomnia.  There I'm doing pretty well: 28 none. 6 mild. And 2 moderates.  I should add, though, that I often take Benadryl or Melatonin...and now I also have the Lucid Dreaming blue pill to add to my repertoire.   

I added overstimulated at some point.  This is where I feel hyper inside.  I get overexcited...often over-socially-active.  I'll get really into posting and interacting on Instagram or I'll become a chatterbox in the family text streams.  I guess it's maybe sort of like being manic?  

It can probably be a good thing if I'm out at an actual social event...or if my family is actually enjoying me being talkative.  But then when I want it to stop, it's hard for me to do so.  Why do I want it to stop?  Well, because even though, in a way, I'm having fun....at the same time, I don't like the feeling.  It's overwhelming.  I feel out of control.  And maybe there's also the fact that though I'm sort of enjoying myself at the time, there will likely be ramifications later.  Such as....feeling stupid, pathetic, or embarrassed for what I said or did during that hyper period.  (more on that later).

On top of all that, if I'm busy being social or my mind is racing to the point I can't concentrate, it's a struggle for me to finish what I had planned to get done that day.  

All that being said...I've not had many days of the overstimulated feeling: 26 none, 6 mild, and 3 moderate.

Next on the list is self-doubt.  This is the only symptom that I've marked a day as severe. Outside of that, I have 4 nones, 15 mild, 15 moderate.  

Severe for me usually equals me feeling I should make my blog private. 

 I know the worst for some people would equal attempting suicide.  I'm not suicidal.  I DO sometimes wish to be dead.  But that actually rarely comes out of self-doubt/self-esteem issues or depression.  For me, it's the anxiety, OCD issues, and hyper-empathy that makes me grateful that death exists for all of us.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed worrying about things and just want it all to be over.  Or I imagine one day encountering a vomit disaster and think when I'm dead, I won't have to worry about such gross things anymore.  And I've actually had times where I am so horribly sad for someone that I feel I can't take it anymore.  The craziest thing about the latter is that often I don't actually know or have any real evidence that the person, on my mind, is actually experiencing the dreadful emotions I'm imagining them feeling.  

Okay...I've digressed a bit again.  

Back to self-doubt.  It's really just self-esteem issues.  It's often about my lack of success and employment....which can worsen into feeling that I have no talent or worth. 

There's also the imposter syndrome.  Am I REALLY autistic?  Am I totally ridiculous for thinking that I probably have epilepsy?  Do I dare consider myself a novelist or screenwriter?  Do I dare say I've experienced childhood trauma?  

There's also the feeling that I'm a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad family member...a bad person who deserves all the rejection that I've received.

I feel like a stalker sometimes...worrying that I commented too often on a influencer/podcaster's post.  Or if not a stalker at least a pest. *

There's that worry that people are nice to me, because they feel bad for me or because they are simply polite; but secretly they are actually disgusted by me.  

I am making this all sound very bad.  And it actually is.  But...it's not the worst, because I'm not feeling it constantly.  At times I feel okay about myself.  Sometimes I feel very good about myself.  Often I'm feeling the good and bad feelings at the same time....like with writing this post.  A part of me thinks I'm writing something that will be interesting, relatable...raw and honest. Valuable.  Another part of me is feeling this post is shamefully self-indulgent and boring.

The next emotion symptom I added was stress.  For this I have 13 nones, 17 mild, and 3 moderates.  There are lots of nones not because I have great coping methods but because I have a pretty low level of stress in my life...compared to many others. See above: self-doubt.

It could be that I sometimes mark stress under anxiety.

I've been using the stress symptom for times that I worry I won't be able to finish all that I planned to do that day.  I'm very rigid about that.  I have this set things of things I want to get done....most of it is hobby stuff.  If I get the idea I won't finish it all, I start getting stressed.

The other thing that REALLY stresses me out (but maybe I've put it under anxiety?) is medical appointments.  I'm past due for blood tests and the dentist.  I'm very much due for a dermatology test. I think I've had one of those my whole life....probably decades ago.  It will soon be time for me to have a colonoscopy, and I should start getting the yearly mammograms.  Plus I probably need a general check up for menopause.  

Oh...and I should probably also eventually continue with the neurological diagnosing stuff.  

I've been handling all these shoulds with procrastination.  When I think of ending the procrastination, I get overwhelmed with the number of medical appointment things I should do.

Wait. I forgot something.  I should also maybe see a doctor about my frozen shoulder injury thing.  

So yeah.  I get overwhelmed and very stressed.  Plus...as a member of the United States, it's not just the hatred of being at the doctor's office, interrupting my routine, etc...but the financial implications.  

Besides procrastinating, my other technique to appease my lack of doctor-visits is to remember what I HAVE recently accomplished appointment-wise.  A few months ago, I finally went to an eye doctor, for the first time in my life, and got prescription glasses, and I'm doing the autism-diagnosis-adventure. So that's something.   

Onto the next thing.  

OCD stress. I'm not officially diagnosed with OCD yet, but I'm not making light of the word.  I know people get very uptight about that.

I am pretty sure I have contamination style OCD.  This means I get grossed out by the idea of being contaminated by certain things—vomit, feces, urine, garbage, etc.  I do a lot of hand-washing, a lot of wiping things down, a lot of pestering Tim about whether he washed his hands or wiped things down.

You know when Seinfeld threw his belt away, because it touched the toilet?  That is VERY MUCH me.

Today I took a shower much earlier than I expected to, because when I went to try to wipe up some toilet cleaner that had dripped on the floor, my hair touched the toilet lid.  

Now I wouldn't count the shower as the OCD stress.  If I can take an action to alleviate the feelings of stress, than I don't really count it.  When I would count it is if after taking a shower, I still felt contaminated.  Or if I didn't have time to take a shower or I had already taken a shower that day, or it wasn't supposed to be my shower day, and I felt plagued by the feelings of contamination.  

Being grossed out by hair touching the toilet lid might not be incredibly unusual.  But I've also been plagued by things that other people would see as very common and unconcerning.  Sometimes I can manage to ignore these things  Other times I become stressed until I do something like change my shirt or wash my hands again or wipe something down once more.  

For the OCD stress stats: 9 none, 10 mild, and 3 moderates.

If you're into counting and you notice all these numbers don't add up to the same total, that's because I added the symptoms on different days.

The symptom I added today is despair.  

Today is definitely NOT the first time I've felt despair.  And I've mentioned these dark feelings on my blog at various times.  

I don't know why it took me this long to add it to my list.  It might have been because I didn't know what word to use.  It seems people are wanting the word depression reserved for something that is long term, diagnosed, and pervasive.  So, I didn't want to use that.  

But then.....

Today I decided to add it after the feeling randomly hit me.  Like it often does, it came on as a sudden wave.  

I Googled melancholy and despair to see which would fit better.  Despair definitely seems like the more appropriate term.  It feels very much like a Dementor has suddenly passed over our home.

I feel very fortunate in that the feeling doesn't often last long.  But it's a bad enough feeling that even a few minutes is really shitty.  

Despair is feeling that there's this dark cloud over everything, and it's going to get worse and worse.  Really bad things are going to happen. Nothing good is going to ever happen again.  And even if good things do happen, I'm not going to have the capability to be happy about them.  When they come on quickly and then go away quickly, it makes me wonder if they're some kind of seizure.  

Anyway...that's it for now.  If you're like me and have lots of symptoms and are wanting to keep track. of them.. I tentatively, highly recommend the app. If it ends up being expensive, I may take back the recommendation....especially if it's in a sneaky way.  Since they don't openly reveal what the price is, if it IS expensive, I will see that as being sneaky.  

*-Wanted to add that rationally speaking, I don't think I'm overly pesty or a stalker when it comes to popular people on social media. I probably comment a reasonable amount.  I think what's really going on is I secretly wish to be noticed by them, accepted, liked, brought into their inner circle, etc....become successful like them, etc.  These feelings sometime lead to me feeling pathetic...or if they don't respond as much as I wished, I feel rejected.  And feeling rejected over that makes me feel guilty and pathetic.    

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

  

My Five States of Blogging

 I am thinking that I have five states of blogging mode.

1. Rigid blogging routine: Everyday, I must write a certain type of blog post (ie: biography post or numbered post)....until I have some kind of inner meltdown and go on hiatus.

2. Hyper-prolific blogging: I blog when I feel like it....and that ends up being often.

3.  Wasted: I have ideas for posts.  I spend time working on it. Sometimes hours.  Then I change my mind, delete the post, and hate that I wasted all that time.  

4. Major self doubt crisis: I can't believe I have all this personal stuff out there for the world to see. Should I make my blog private?  

5. Blogging in my head: where I come up with ideas, "write" a few paragraphs in my head.  Say...nah.  And then a little time later, repeat the process.

I've been on stage 5 the last few days.  

I'm kind of impressed, though, that this one came out of my head and onto my blog.   

Very unrelated photo
I've decided to just go through my Google
albums in order. Different album
for each post. 
This photo is from Hawaii.
I love that pink column.
I would love a house full of rooms
that color.  Or one room. At least. 

An Exhausting List of My Special Interests

I've decided to make a list of all most of my life's what I used-to call-obsessions but the autistic community labels as "Special Interests".

I will surely forget things.

I know this, because I've seen myself forgetting things.  I've been reading some 2006 journal entries and find myself being reminded of interests I had forgotten.  Or sometimes there are interests that I downplayed in my head.  But now I read my journal and think...Wow, I was super obsessed.

I'm going to try to go in chronological order.

Edited to add 4/6/24- I've now decided that many of these things were NOT special interests.  More about that...way, way below.  

Peter Pan

The Wizard of Oz

Roald Dahl books 

Annie

Savannah Smiles

Poltergeist

All of a Kind Family Books 

Michael Jackson (remembered and added 12/31/21)

Child Stars (especially Heather O'Rourke)

V

Disney World  (off and on through out my life starting at around age 10 or 11)

Days of our Lives 

Karate Kid II 

Asian culture/people (maybe bordering on racist/fetish kind of thing)

Cabbage Patch Dolls (remembered and added 1/1/22)

Mario Bros  

Stephen King Books 

Anne Rice books 

Pat Conroy Books 

Dean Koontz Books 

Nightmare on Elm Street (Especially the third movie)

Agnes of God  (added 3/1/22)

Cystic Fibrosis. 

Cruise vacations

Our Ouija Board (and the pretend-friends that went with that) (remembered and added 12/31/21)

The Lost Boys  (Remembered and added 12/31/21)

Born on the 4th of July (added 2/24/22)

Novel Writing 

Born Free (I had an Elsa AOL screenname way before Frozen)

Making collages 

Abnormal Psychology, especially Dissociative Personality Disorder 

Beetlejuice (remembered and added 1/2/22

Judaism

England (especially British people)

Andrew Lloyd Webber Musicals

Comparative Religion

Hook

My Girl. (Weeping Willow with your tears falling down. Why do you always weep and frown?)

Scrooged

Saturday Night Live (Edited to add 1/25/22)

J.M. Barrie 

Screenwriting

Primates (especially the Great Apes)

Titanic

Another World 

Neurofibromatosis (much shorter and less intense than Cystic Fibrosis.  But significant, because I wrote a novel and screenplay.  And I've used the title (Thirty Cats) for various screennames, including Instagram, which I'm on a lot).  

Wedding Planning. (hated the dress aspect but obsessed with music, cake, flowers)

a folder that shows
a combination of my wedding
and Disney special interest

The X-Files

Seinfeld

Friends.   (Edited to cross-out.  I started having doubts about this one, because I don't remember doing anything outside of watching the show with Tim)

Twelve Monkeys 

Parenting (especially attachment parenting)

Homeschooling

New York (a part of being homesick for where we previously lived)

Making/editing montage videos 

Food  

Nutrition

Weight Loss (This is and previous two all part of my eating disorder)

The Sims 2 (Remembered and added 1/3/22-was also into Sims and Sims 3 at other points but 2 was my favorite)

Eating Disorders (after realizing I actually might have an eating disorder...and all the imposter syndrome that went with that).

Charmed 

Lucid Dreams

Spirituality (especially reincarnation) 

Australia 

The Colbert Show

McLeod's Daughters 

Lost 

Wicked (Added 2/24/22) 

Twilight series 

Harry Potter (Peak year for me was probably 2010-2011.  Prior to that it would come and go with the release of the books.  But 2011 I got involved with role playing activities).

Singing, 

The King's Speech (Remembered and added 12/31/21

The Sing Off (Remembered and added 1/2/22

Modern Family 

The Big Bang Theory (added 3/23/22)

Desperate Housewives

Ugly Betty (added 3/24/22)

Doctor Who

American Horror Story

Minecraft 

The Walking Dead

Narcissism, toxic behavior, psychological manipulation, etc.

The Me Too Movement

Trump and American Politics 

Coronation Street

Game of Thrones (added 2/21/22)

Dark The Netflix series (added 2/21/22)

TV shows in general

Myoclonus and Epilepsy 

Cats (I've often considered cats more of a family member than an actual interest or obsession.  But there was an exception between the time that Max died and Annie found us.  In that time, we went to Japan where I had a strong desire to visit Cat Cafes) 

Covid 19 (and at some points through out the decades a special interest in pandemics in general)

Anti-racism (added 1/3/22) 

Schitt's Creek

St. Louis (this was kind of a budding one...and it was kind of pushed aside by the next one on the list...but now I've gotten a tiny bit back into it.  Maybe)

Autism

Duolingo (remembered and edited to add 12/31/21)

The Characters I'm creating for a novel I will probably never write or I will write and it will be something to add to my list of unpublished and/or unsuccessful writing projects.  (two of the characters live in St. Louis, so it gives me a chance to kindle that special interest) 

Disney vs. Florida Republicans (added 4/22/2022) 

This list is difficult not just because of forgetting things but because it's hard to see somethings as a special interest when I compare them to other things.  

For example, as much as I was into My Girl for a period of time, it's NOTHING compared to how much I was into the Poltergeist movies. 

And yes, I was into X-Files.  But it's nothing compared to how much I was into Lost.  

Although then I question that.  Was I really less into X-Files?  Or is it because there was less ability to obsess via the Internet in those days?  Or has the passage of time led to my forgetting how much I (might have) been into X-Files.

Other special interests seem small, because they are common and many other people are more intense in their fandomship. 

It's easier to feel as if something is a SPECIAL interest when our interest in it is unique.  For example, I don't think being obsessed with Cystic Fibrosis is very common.  Well, it might be more common these days, because it seems the disease has become more often used as a subject in fiction and nonfiction media.  But back when I had it as a special interest....I was quite unique.

I'm thinking, though, that commonality shouldn't disqualify a special interest.  Otherwise, we'd have to cross out trains and dinosaurs from childhood special interests.

Less intensity also shouldn't disqualify, because there will always be people who are more intense than us.

I feel I was probably VERY high up there in terms of having Australia as a special interest.  But that doesn't disqualify other people with a less intense special interest in Australia.  AND...there is probably someone out there who is/was even more obsessed with Australia than me.

The question that lingers in my mind and will probably continue to linger for a long, long time is where do we draw the line between autistic special interests and not-autistic special interests.

A part of the divide would, of course, be having other traits of autism.

I think EVERYONE has had at least one special interest in their life.  Besides the other traits of autism...maybe it's about the amount of special interests and the intensity.  Each special interest doesn't have to be intense.  But maybe it would be expected that there's at least a few that are very intense.  

I think, for fun, I'll make a scoring list for what traits make an interest a SPECIAL interest....aka a potentially autistic special interest.

If you are terrified of being a person with autism, this list might reassure you or terrify you.

If you are wanting to identify as autistic, this list might either reassure you or give you an imposter-syndrome induced meltdown.  

The List

2 points for every time you are distracted from what you're "supposed" to be thinking about or listening to, because you're daydreaming about your interest. 

2 points for every single time you Google the interest or something related.  (yes other search engines count).   Subtract 1 point for each search...if you're searching due to worry or fear. Though I think sometimes fears can become special interests.

5 additional points for every website about your interest that you actually spend time reading 

5 points for each social media account, related to your interest, that you follow

10 points for every book that you read pertaining to the interest. This includes fiction written by an author you're interested in..not including the first book you read by the author.  

10 points for each item you have purchased related to your interest

25 points for every time you rewatch an episode, scene, or see the movie again.  (an additional 20 points if you actually buy theater tickets to see it again or you re-rented it from Blockbusters)

30 points if you watch a show or movie you'd usually have very little interest in solely because an actor or actress from one of your special interest shows/movies is in it.

30 points if you have developed a crush on someone because they are connected to your special interest

40 points  if someone suggested that you talk too much about a special interest

40 points if when you played make-believe with your friends, you insisted the storyline be related to your special interest.  Add 50 additional points if this sentence, for you, should be in present tense rather than past.

40 points if when reading, watching other books/TV shows/movies you were fervently wishing you were watching/reading your interest-thing.

40 points if you have written fiction related to your interest.  Add an additional 10 points if the piece of fiction is a full-length project.  Add an additional 20 points if you've written more than one piece of fiction.  Add 100 points if you've written more than three pieces of fiction related to the interest.  

40 points if you managed to learn something that would normally be too challenging for you. 

40 points if you really want people around you to shut up other things and let you talk about your  interest.  Add 100 additional points if you've had this feeling for more than two days. Add 500 additional points if this has gone on for more than a month.  Add 1000 points if this has gone on for more than three years.

40 points if thinking about your special interest brings you a sense of comfort when you're needing comforting or distraction.

50 points if you have gone to a convention because of your special interest.  Subtract 45 of those points if you went only because your friends went.  Subtract 49 of those points if you went mainly because your romantic partner or interest wanted to go.  

50 points if your interest led you to choosing your college major or minor.

50 points if you have a career related to your interest (Add 100 additional points if having that career didn't end your special interest)

50 points if your interest inspired you to do volunteer work. Add 20 more points for each additional event or project or night you slept away from home because of the volunteer work.

50 points if you've made charity donations related to your special interest.

50 points if your special interest led you to writing a pointed message that got you into trouble

50 points for each time you have not been there for a family member or friend when you should have been there...because of a special interest.  For example, you didn't attend your brother's wedding, because you wanted to be there for the midnight release of a Harry Potter book.  

50 points if your interest led you to doing something that would normally terrify you

50 points if you have an email address or social media screenname related to the interest

50 points if the passion for your interest led to you being arrested.  Add 10 additional points if you were convicted.  Subtract 50 points if you are Black.  Add an additional 50 points if you are convicted and in prison despite being white and upper middle class.  

60 points if there was a golden apple on your 5th grade teacher's desk and you had this very strong wish/fantasy that this apple was magic and would transfer you to the fictional universe of your interest.

60 points if you have a blog, Instagram account, YouTube channel, podcast, etc. that is dedicated to your interest and add 50 extra points for every year that you've had the account, etc.  If you don't have an account specific to the interest, add 5 points for every post or episode you've done about the interest.  

75 points if you kept your interest a secret for awhile either because it was intense, overwhelming, sacred, etc.

75 points if you tried to deter yourself from the interest because the intensity of your feelings scared you or you didn't want to go through THAT again.  

75 points if people skip over the usual small talk conversation topic and ask you about your special interest

75 points if you're not usually socially motivated but if people have a connection to your special interest, you are suddenly motivated to be social with them.

100 points if you have a book related to your special interest that you carry around like a comfort object...or any other item.  Subtract 50 of those points if the item is soft or cuddly (and you're under the age of 12) OR if the object brings you positive attention from others.  

150 points if someone asks if you've been tested for autism when you talk about your interest. Subtract 100 of those points if the person asking you is like me and is currently seeing autism in pretty much everybody.  

200 points if you have gone on trips to places specifically because of your special interest. Add another 50 points for each time you returned to the place.

200 points if you have been interviewed on TV or a podcast to talk about your interest...not about your interest in general but to showcase you as an obsessed person.  Add 50 additional points for each additional times you've been interviewed OR asked to be interviewed.  Add another additional 50 points if it was national TV or a popular program.

Okay...that was a lot of fun making the list.  But I have no idea how to do the silly or fancy math needed to come up with "correct" minimums.  

I'll try.

If anyone doesn't agree with my divisions, please argue with me (politely....or at least without death threats...or at least without gruesome death threats...or if gruesome, please be creative and make it more blood centered than rape centered)

So....How about?

5-50 points - a minor special interest

51-200 points - a major special interest

200-1000 points- a MAJOR MAJOR special interest

more than 1000 points?  Holy shit!!!!

As for autism....

If you have at least one special interest in the holy shit category, I'd read up on the other traits and seriously consider that you might be autistic.

Same goes for those who have at least 2 in the MAJOR MAJOR category.

Or at least 5 in the Major category

Or 30 in the minor category. 

If the label autistic scares you, because you're picturing Dustin Hoffman rambling about the safety of Qantas or the virtues of Kmart underwear, you could take up the alternative labels of Intense, On the Spectrum, Aspie, Living with Intensity, HSP (highly sensitive Person, Crystal Child, Indigo Child, ADHD, etc.

They all pretty much mean the same thing.  

Again, this list is not at all scientific.  But if it's fun for you or helps temporarily relieve you of any imposter syndrome....very cool.  

Edited to add 4/6/2024:  I've come to realize that a lot of what I listed above were NOT special interests. And now I've come up with new categories to describe other types of interests. 

So here we go....

Besides special interests, I've had

A) Stressful interests

B) Hobbies

C) Passing interests

Stressful interests are where I research something, because I seek validation, ammunition for arguments/debates, reassurance, etc.   

Hobbies are things I like to do but I'm not especially interested in them.  I would rather just do them than Google them, watch YouTube videos about it, etc.  

Examples of this for me lately would be playing The Simpsons Tapped Out, feeding wildlife, and taking care of the plants in my backyard. I might Google if I need to know something for practical reasons but not just for the sake of wanting to learn more and having that extreme passionate enjoyment.  

I love playing The Simpsons and have in rare instances Googled to find something out...such as: will planting Triffids end the game?   

If the game was a special interest, I'd probably want to watch videos of other people playing, watch the actual TV show, learn about every voice actor, etc.

Passing interests are when I love something, because I'm currently reading it or watching it...or visiting a place.  I'll get really into it for a short period and then I move on.

Often these feelings are recurring, because we revisit the place or a new season of the show comes out.

An example would be Dark. I loved that show.  And each time we watched a season, I obsessed over it a bit.  I listened to the music on Spotify. I Googled to figure out how the hell each character was connected, etc.  But a few days after watching a season, the interest would fade, and I'd have a new passing interest.  

Now....sometimes there will be some kind of lingering aspect.  For example, I still listen to music from Dark occasionally.  Mostly, because it's still on some of my playlists.  

I've been learning French the past eight years or so. Why?  Because we watched Les Revenants.  My interest in the show soon faded, but the French stayed with me as one of my hobbies.  

I thought it would be easy to go through the list and label most things as NOT special-interests.

It turns out it's not.

The problem is probably due to comparisons.

My special interests in Poltergeist, Cystic Fibrosis, and Australia played such a huge role in my life.  Other things seem small in comparison.  But when I think back carefully, I realize they too were special interests.

The three above were, I guess, my BIG Special interests. Or my Super-Special interests.

Judaism might fit in with the three above.  

Medium to small special interests: Annie, Savanah Smiles, Nightmare on Elm Street, V, Great Apes, Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Most of the TV shows and books would be passing interests even those I love a lot such as Doctor Who and Lost.  

Stressful interests: parenting, homeschooling, dreams and spirituality, eating disorders, myoclonus/seizures, narcissism/toxic behavior, autism, the MeToo-Movement, Trump, Covid, anti-racism, Israel

Hobbies: novel-writing, singing, screenwriting, collage-making, making videos, The Sims, Minecraft, Duolingo, dieting/eating, feeding wildlife, gardening, photography, AI art, etc.  

Note: Parenting in itself wasn't a stressful interest.  Though it's extremely stressful (along with extremely wonderful).  But what I'm referring to is the excessive reading of parenting books, websites, magazines, etc. in pursuit of reassuring ourselves that we're not destroying the soul of the tiny person living in our home.  The obsessing over breastfeeding, sleep, nutrition, discipline, education, etc.