An Exhausting List of My Special Interests

I've decided to make a list of all most of my life's what I used-to call-obsessions but the autistic community labels as "Special Interests".

I will surely forget things.

I know this, because I've seen myself forgetting things.  I've been reading some 2006 journal entries and find myself being reminded of interests I had forgotten.  Or sometimes there are interests that I downplayed in my head.  But now I read my journal and think...Wow, I was super obsessed.

I'm going to try to go in chronological order.

Edited to add 4/6/24- I've now decided that many of these things were NOT special interests.  More about that...way, way below.  

Peter Pan

The Wizard of Oz

Roald Dahl books 

Annie

Savannah Smiles

Poltergeist

All of a Kind Family Books 

Michael Jackson (remembered and added 12/31/21)

Child Stars (especially Heather O'Rourke)

V

Disney World  (off and on through out my life starting at around age 10 or 11)

Days of our Lives 

Karate Kid II 

Asian culture/people (maybe bordering on racist/fetish kind of thing)

Cabbage Patch Dolls (remembered and added 1/1/22)

Mario Bros  

Stephen King Books 

Anne Rice books 

Pat Conroy Books 

Dean Koontz Books 

Nightmare on Elm Street (Especially the third movie)

Agnes of God  (added 3/1/22)

Cystic Fibrosis. 

Cruise vacations

Our Ouija Board (and the pretend-friends that went with that) (remembered and added 12/31/21)

The Lost Boys  (Remembered and added 12/31/21)

Born on the 4th of July (added 2/24/22)

Novel Writing 

Born Free (I had an Elsa AOL screenname way before Frozen)

Making collages 

Abnormal Psychology, especially Dissociative Personality Disorder 

Beetlejuice (remembered and added 1/2/22

Judaism

England (especially British people)

Andrew Lloyd Webber Musicals

Comparative Religion

Hook

My Girl. (Weeping Willow with your tears falling down. Why do you always weep and frown?)

Scrooged

Saturday Night Live (Edited to add 1/25/22)

J.M. Barrie 

Screenwriting

Primates (especially the Great Apes)

Titanic

Another World 

Neurofibromatosis (much shorter and less intense than Cystic Fibrosis.  But significant, because I wrote a novel and screenplay.  And I've used the title (Thirty Cats) for various screennames, including Instagram, which I'm on a lot).  

Wedding Planning. (hated the dress aspect but obsessed with music, cake, flowers)

a folder that shows
a combination of my wedding
and Disney special interest

The X-Files

Seinfeld

Friends.   (Edited to cross-out.  I started having doubts about this one, because I don't remember doing anything outside of watching the show with Tim)

Twelve Monkeys 

Parenting (especially attachment parenting)

Homeschooling

New York (a part of being homesick for where we previously lived)

Making/editing montage videos 

Food  

Nutrition

Weight Loss (This is and previous two all part of my eating disorder)

The Sims 2 (Remembered and added 1/3/22-was also into Sims and Sims 3 at other points but 2 was my favorite)

Eating Disorders (after realizing I actually might have an eating disorder...and all the imposter syndrome that went with that).

Charmed 

Lucid Dreams

Spirituality (especially reincarnation) 

Australia 

The Colbert Show

McLeod's Daughters 

Lost 

Wicked (Added 2/24/22) 

Twilight series 

Harry Potter (Peak year for me was probably 2010-2011.  Prior to that it would come and go with the release of the books.  But 2011 I got involved with role playing activities).

Singing, 

The King's Speech (Remembered and added 12/31/21

The Sing Off (Remembered and added 1/2/22

Modern Family 

The Big Bang Theory (added 3/23/22)

Desperate Housewives

Ugly Betty (added 3/24/22)

Doctor Who

American Horror Story

Minecraft 

The Walking Dead

Narcissism, toxic behavior, psychological manipulation, etc.

The Me Too Movement

Trump and American Politics 

Coronation Street

Game of Thrones (added 2/21/22)

Dark The Netflix series (added 2/21/22)

TV shows in general

Myoclonus and Epilepsy 

Cats (I've often considered cats more of a family member than an actual interest or obsession.  But there was an exception between the time that Max died and Annie found us.  In that time, we went to Japan where I had a strong desire to visit Cat Cafes) 

Covid 19 (and at some points through out the decades a special interest in pandemics in general)

Anti-racism (added 1/3/22) 

Schitt's Creek

St. Louis (this was kind of a budding one...and it was kind of pushed aside by the next one on the list...but now I've gotten a tiny bit back into it.  Maybe)

Autism

Duolingo (remembered and edited to add 12/31/21)

The Characters I'm creating for a novel I will probably never write or I will write and it will be something to add to my list of unpublished and/or unsuccessful writing projects.  (two of the characters live in St. Louis, so it gives me a chance to kindle that special interest) 

Disney vs. Florida Republicans (added 4/22/2022) 

This list is difficult not just because of forgetting things but because it's hard to see somethings as a special interest when I compare them to other things.  

For example, as much as I was into My Girl for a period of time, it's NOTHING compared to how much I was into the Poltergeist movies. 

And yes, I was into X-Files.  But it's nothing compared to how much I was into Lost.  

Although then I question that.  Was I really less into X-Files?  Or is it because there was less ability to obsess via the Internet in those days?  Or has the passage of time led to my forgetting how much I (might have) been into X-Files.

Other special interests seem small, because they are common and many other people are more intense in their fandomship. 

It's easier to feel as if something is a SPECIAL interest when our interest in it is unique.  For example, I don't think being obsessed with Cystic Fibrosis is very common.  Well, it might be more common these days, because it seems the disease has become more often used as a subject in fiction and nonfiction media.  But back when I had it as a special interest....I was quite unique.

I'm thinking, though, that commonality shouldn't disqualify a special interest.  Otherwise, we'd have to cross out trains and dinosaurs from childhood special interests.

Less intensity also shouldn't disqualify, because there will always be people who are more intense than us.

I feel I was probably VERY high up there in terms of having Australia as a special interest.  But that doesn't disqualify other people with a less intense special interest in Australia.  AND...there is probably someone out there who is/was even more obsessed with Australia than me.

The question that lingers in my mind and will probably continue to linger for a long, long time is where do we draw the line between autistic special interests and not-autistic special interests.

A part of the divide would, of course, be having other traits of autism.

I think EVERYONE has had at least one special interest in their life.  Besides the other traits of autism...maybe it's about the amount of special interests and the intensity.  Each special interest doesn't have to be intense.  But maybe it would be expected that there's at least a few that are very intense.  

I think, for fun, I'll make a scoring list for what traits make an interest a SPECIAL interest....aka a potentially autistic special interest.

If you are terrified of being a person with autism, this list might reassure you or terrify you.

If you are wanting to identify as autistic, this list might either reassure you or give you an imposter-syndrome induced meltdown.  

The List

2 points for every time you are distracted from what you're "supposed" to be thinking about or listening to, because you're daydreaming about your interest. 

2 points for every single time you Google the interest or something related.  (yes other search engines count).   Subtract 1 point for each search...if you're searching due to worry or fear. Though I think sometimes fears can become special interests.

5 additional points for every website about your interest that you actually spend time reading 

5 points for each social media account, related to your interest, that you follow

10 points for every book that you read pertaining to the interest. This includes fiction written by an author you're interested in..not including the first book you read by the author.  

10 points for each item you have purchased related to your interest

25 points for every time you rewatch an episode, scene, or see the movie again.  (an additional 20 points if you actually buy theater tickets to see it again or you re-rented it from Blockbusters)

30 points if you watch a show or movie you'd usually have very little interest in solely because an actor or actress from one of your special interest shows/movies is in it.

30 points if you have developed a crush on someone because they are connected to your special interest

40 points  if someone suggested that you talk too much about a special interest

40 points if when you played make-believe with your friends, you insisted the storyline be related to your special interest.  Add 50 additional points if this sentence, for you, should be in present tense rather than past.

40 points if when reading, watching other books/TV shows/movies you were fervently wishing you were watching/reading your interest-thing.

40 points if you have written fiction related to your interest.  Add an additional 10 points if the piece of fiction is a full-length project.  Add an additional 20 points if you've written more than one piece of fiction.  Add 100 points if you've written more than three pieces of fiction related to the interest.  

40 points if you managed to learn something that would normally be too challenging for you. 

40 points if you really want people around you to shut up other things and let you talk about your  interest.  Add 100 additional points if you've had this feeling for more than two days. Add 500 additional points if this has gone on for more than a month.  Add 1000 points if this has gone on for more than three years.

40 points if thinking about your special interest brings you a sense of comfort when you're needing comforting or distraction.

50 points if you have gone to a convention because of your special interest.  Subtract 45 of those points if you went only because your friends went.  Subtract 49 of those points if you went mainly because your romantic partner or interest wanted to go.  

50 points if your interest led you to choosing your college major or minor.

50 points if you have a career related to your interest (Add 100 additional points if having that career didn't end your special interest)

50 points if your interest inspired you to do volunteer work. Add 20 more points for each additional event or project or night you slept away from home because of the volunteer work.

50 points if you've made charity donations related to your special interest.

50 points if your special interest led you to writing a pointed message that got you into trouble

50 points for each time you have not been there for a family member or friend when you should have been there...because of a special interest.  For example, you didn't attend your brother's wedding, because you wanted to be there for the midnight release of a Harry Potter book.  

50 points if your interest led you to doing something that would normally terrify you

50 points if you have an email address or social media screenname related to the interest

50 points if the passion for your interest led to you being arrested.  Add 10 additional points if you were convicted.  Subtract 50 points if you are Black.  Add an additional 50 points if you are convicted and in prison despite being white and upper middle class.  

60 points if there was a golden apple on your 5th grade teacher's desk and you had this very strong wish/fantasy that this apple was magic and would transfer you to the fictional universe of your interest.

60 points if you have a blog, Instagram account, YouTube channel, podcast, etc. that is dedicated to your interest and add 50 extra points for every year that you've had the account, etc.  If you don't have an account specific to the interest, add 5 points for every post or episode you've done about the interest.  

75 points if you kept your interest a secret for awhile either because it was intense, overwhelming, sacred, etc.

75 points if you tried to deter yourself from the interest because the intensity of your feelings scared you or you didn't want to go through THAT again.  

75 points if people skip over the usual small talk conversation topic and ask you about your special interest

75 points if you're not usually socially motivated but if people have a connection to your special interest, you are suddenly motivated to be social with them.

100 points if you have a book related to your special interest that you carry around like a comfort object...or any other item.  Subtract 50 of those points if the item is soft or cuddly (and you're under the age of 12) OR if the object brings you positive attention from others.  

150 points if someone asks if you've been tested for autism when you talk about your interest. Subtract 100 of those points if the person asking you is like me and is currently seeing autism in pretty much everybody.  

200 points if you have gone on trips to places specifically because of your special interest. Add another 50 points for each time you returned to the place.

200 points if you have been interviewed on TV or a podcast to talk about your interest...not about your interest in general but to showcase you as an obsessed person.  Add 50 additional points for each additional times you've been interviewed OR asked to be interviewed.  Add another additional 50 points if it was national TV or a popular program.

Okay...that was a lot of fun making the list.  But I have no idea how to do the silly or fancy math needed to come up with "correct" minimums.  

I'll try.

If anyone doesn't agree with my divisions, please argue with me (politely....or at least without death threats...or at least without gruesome death threats...or if gruesome, please be creative and make it more blood centered than rape centered)

So....How about?

5-50 points - a minor special interest

51-200 points - a major special interest

200-1000 points- a MAJOR MAJOR special interest

more than 1000 points?  Holy shit!!!!

As for autism....

If you have at least one special interest in the holy shit category, I'd read up on the other traits and seriously consider that you might be autistic.

Same goes for those who have at least 2 in the MAJOR MAJOR category.

Or at least 5 in the Major category

Or 30 in the minor category. 

If the label autistic scares you, because you're picturing Dustin Hoffman rambling about the safety of Qantas or the virtues of Kmart underwear, you could take up the alternative labels of Intense, On the Spectrum, Aspie, Living with Intensity, HSP (highly sensitive Person, Crystal Child, Indigo Child, ADHD, etc.

They all pretty much mean the same thing.  

Again, this list is not at all scientific.  But if it's fun for you or helps temporarily relieve you of any imposter syndrome....very cool.  

Edited to add 4/6/2024:  I've come to realize that a lot of what I listed above were NOT special interests. And now I've come up with new categories to describe other types of interests. 

So here we go....

Besides special interests, I've had

A) Stressful interests

B) Hobbies

C) Passing interests

Stressful interests are where I research something, because I seek validation, ammunition for arguments/debates, reassurance, etc.   

Hobbies are things I like to do but I'm not especially interested in them.  I would rather just do them than Google them, watch YouTube videos about it, etc.  

Examples of this for me lately would be playing The Simpsons Tapped Out, feeding wildlife, and taking care of the plants in my backyard. I might Google if I need to know something for practical reasons but not just for the sake of wanting to learn more and having that extreme passionate enjoyment.  

I love playing The Simpsons and have in rare instances Googled to find something out...such as: will planting Triffids end the game?   

If the game was a special interest, I'd probably want to watch videos of other people playing, watch the actual TV show, learn about every voice actor, etc.

Passing interests are when I love something, because I'm currently reading it or watching it...or visiting a place.  I'll get really into it for a short period and then I move on.

Often these feelings are recurring, because we revisit the place or a new season of the show comes out.

An example would be Dark. I loved that show.  And each time we watched a season, I obsessed over it a bit.  I listened to the music on Spotify. I Googled to figure out how the hell each character was connected, etc.  But a few days after watching a season, the interest would fade, and I'd have a new passing interest.  

Now....sometimes there will be some kind of lingering aspect.  For example, I still listen to music from Dark occasionally.  Mostly, because it's still on some of my playlists.  

I've been learning French the past eight years or so. Why?  Because we watched Les Revenants.  My interest in the show soon faded, but the French stayed with me as one of my hobbies.  

I thought it would be easy to go through the list and label most things as NOT special-interests.

It turns out it's not.

The problem is probably due to comparisons.

My special interests in Poltergeist, Cystic Fibrosis, and Australia played such a huge role in my life.  Other things seem small in comparison.  But when I think back carefully, I realize they too were special interests.

The three above were, I guess, my BIG Special interests. Or my Super-Special interests.

Judaism might fit in with the three above.  

Medium to small special interests: Annie, Savanah Smiles, Nightmare on Elm Street, V, Great Apes, Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Most of the TV shows and books would be passing interests even those I love a lot such as Doctor Who and Lost.  

Stressful interests: parenting, homeschooling, dreams and spirituality, eating disorders, myoclonus/seizures, narcissism/toxic behavior, autism, the MeToo-Movement, Trump, Covid, anti-racism, Israel

Hobbies: novel-writing, singing, screenwriting, collage-making, making videos, The Sims, Minecraft, Duolingo, dieting/eating, feeding wildlife, gardening, photography, AI art, etc.  

Note: Parenting in itself wasn't a stressful interest.  Though it's extremely stressful (along with extremely wonderful).  But what I'm referring to is the excessive reading of parenting books, websites, magazines, etc. in pursuit of reassuring ourselves that we're not destroying the soul of the tiny person living in our home.  The obsessing over breastfeeding, sleep, nutrition, discipline, education, etc.  

Pushing Politics on the Kids at Camp Wak-n-Hak

Yesterday, in the car, Tim and I reminisced about the Cystic Fibrosis camp we both volunteered at. I still remember and miss the kids in my cabin. From over thirty years ago!!!!

Anyway...then last night I dreamed about the camp.

I'm watching an old video of the camp. Nancy (a CF volunteer) and a CF mom are in the room with me. I see myself talking to a child. The child and I are chanting something about being politically on the right, and we also chant some anti-left stuff.

I'm quite surprised to learn that past-me was right-winged. I get the idea that, back then, I associated the right with being wholesome and the left with drugs.  

 I'm also surprised that I was talking about politics with a camper. I'm thinking that the camp spent a lot of energy training us to do CF treatments but that they should have also taught us not to talk politics with the campers.

I want to make sure I heard what I thought I heard on the video, but it's hard for me to concentrate because Nancy and the CF mom are talking. 

I can understand why I dreamed about camp...since we were just talking about it.  Not only that, but I have videos I took at camp, and I've been longing to watch them lately. I probably haven't watched it in over twenty years.  They've been calling out to me.

Oh! I think I know why.

One year, for our cabin skit, we did a Twilight Zone thing.  A young girl named Passha played the part of Rod Serling. So since we've been watching the Twilight Zone, I think that has been making me think of the skit, Passha, camp, etc.

As for the right-wing stuff....

I couldn't understand that at first. But while writing the post, I realized it's probably because I've become a fan of The Lincoln Project. They're a group of conservatives fighting passionately against Trump. I enjoy their stuff on Instagram and Twitter, and I've gone to two of their Zoom presentations. The last one was very enlightening and helpful to me. 

I'm wondering if there is a tiny subconscious part of me that's wondering (worrying)...if I spend too much time with this Lincoln Project, will I end up conservative? Although really...it feels like people of The Lincoln Project are more moving towards the left than they are moving me towards the right.  I've never encountered anything from the Lincoln Project that has made me think, Well, I'm glad they've joined the fight against Trump. I just wish they didn't believe....

I feel, for the most, part we're really on the same page about...pretty much everything.  I mean they might not be totally behind things like universal health care. But neither is everyone on the left. 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

The Flowery Journal My Sister Gave Me (Part 21)

More journal stuff.

This is a career page.

My career story doesn't have a happy ending. There's a little voice pestering me. Dina! It's not over yet! You might have a happy ending after all!  

I'm telling that voice to shut up. He's annoying and delusional.

Note: The blue is what's written in the journal and the green is what I filled in (probably in 1996). And sometimes if I'm quoting things now, that will be blue too. I hope it's not too confusing.

After college, I decided to-go to Loyola Marymount for film school even though I didn't want to. I also decided to go to New York to meet Tim although we had already met before.

I experienced a lot of career confusion towards the end of college.

I think for most of my late high school life I went back and forth between wanting to be a screenwriter and wanting to be a novelist.

Now another voice is asking me, Duh. Why didn't you just pursue both?

Note: I'm not literally hearing voices. Just in case you were worried. Or in case you were excited because you thought we had something in common. Sorry to disappoint you.

Anyway...

Recently I told my son that he should do EVERYTHING he wants to do. Don't pick one interest and/or aspiration and neglect the others. Pursue as much as possible.

A person might have multiple careers.

Or they might have one career and several passionate hobbies.

Or they might have a meaningless job and lots of fantastic hobbies.

I have regretted giving into my parent's pressure to go to Loyola Marymount. But now sometimes I regret not staying. I wish I had pursued a film career while at the same time pursuing a writing career...AND a teaching career.

I also wish I had continued doing zoo work.

Deciding factors and influences-Loyola was a result of my parent's influence, my college advisor's influence, and my meddling sister's. Lara W's wedding in New Jersey influenced me to go to NY as well as the fact that I had a crush on Tim. 

I remember getting pressure from my parents but not the college advisor or my sisters.

The Tim thing: We had been talking on AOL and I had a crush on him. My parents were planning to take us to New York for the wedding, so that gave me the excuse to meet Tim. But then my parents decided not to go to the wedding. You know what...I have thought about this story often. And I don't think I've ever wondered why they canceled the trip.  I mean I think I knew why back then, but I've forgotten since then.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't a drama with the Lara W.'s family. We went to her sister's wedding a few years later. Plus, I think I would remember major drama.  I don't think my family has ever had major drama with their family.

Maybe some other event came up?

What I wanted to do most-I wanted mostly to be with Tim and I wanted to work with animals, especially primates.

Oh.

I thought I wanted to be a novelist. I mean not more than Tim but more than working with animals.

How I envisioned my career-The problem was I didn't envision a career. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Every day I had a new idea that seemed stupid the next day.

Really?

Wow.

I don't remember this.

Again, though, if I could speak to my past self, I'd just tell myself to not feel glued down to anything.

As this song says....

Though I'm 99.9% sure I'm not going to have career success, I still try to pursue things that interest me.

The other day I was thinking how I'm so fascinated by medical stuff. I'm not going to be a doctor, but I was thinking maybe I'll keep embracing my passion and learn more and more. It would be fun to see how much I could learn without going to actual medical school.  How much could someone learn through the Internet and medical TV dramas?

Yeah. I know. Medical TV shows have a lot of inaccuracies. BUT they're a good starting off point. I hear of some strange, rare disease. Then I Google and educate myself.

And what really happened-With pressure from my family I decided to try and get a job in publishing. I failed to do that, so I got a job as a receptionist through a temp agency. Then finally I realized I wanted to be a teacher.

I blame my parents for a lot of things, and I think usually I'm in the right about things.

BUT I think with the publishing thing, I was in the wrong. Sort of.

After the film school thing didn't work out, my parents pushed me to get a job in publishing. From what I remember, I found this wrong and insulting. I wanted to be a writer. I didn't want to work for writers!  I wanted to be the one with the book getting published. I didn't want to be the person who helped publish someone else's book!

I had this idea that the two didn't mix.

But through the years I've seen several authors who started off as editors at big publishing companies.

Being an editor would have probably helped me actually get my book published. I might have actually been successful with the whole writing thing.

The question is, what were my chances of becoming an editor?

At the time, I believed I was in competition with young people who had majored in English and/or journalism.

I'm not sure if that's true or not.  I'm guessing it's probably mostly true.

Well, this website says it's best to choose a degree in English, Journalism, or communication.

I had a degree in psychology.

I don't think it would have been impossible for me to get a job...if I was very charming and had great interviewing skills.

I didn't have that. At all.

What I did have?

Letters to publishing houses from my CEO father.

He had this idea that he could write letters from one bit shot boss to another, and that would open doors for me.

I was resistant to the idea, especially since a short time earlier I had gotten into a fight with my dad where he told me everything I've achieved from life came from him.

How much is that true?

Definitely not all of it.

I'm pretty sure my dad wasn't writing to the professors at the  University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, telling them to give me a high grade point average. I'm pretty sure I did that on my own.

I hope.

If I'm wrong, who would I be most disgusted with-myself, the school, or my dad?

Now did my dad sneak a letter into my admissions packed when I applied to the school? Maybe. Though I think that would be kind of foolish. I don't think UTC was above my qualifications.

Anyway... back to the story.

I'm not sure why I gave into my dad's insistence to accept the letters.

I'm also wondering, did he do research and write personal letters to these publishers? Or did he just do a generic letter and send a copy out to every one?

And did he send the letters himself, or did I send them attached to my resume?

Either way....over 20 years later, I'm still humiliated thinking about it.

Now I am NOT against all use of connections.

It makes sense sometimes...in small, reasonable doses. 

If my dad had a relationship with a publisher, it would make some sense for him to help me get in touch with the publisher. He shouldn't have been able to get me a job, but maybe it would have been okay for him to open the door a bit for me.

And a few years after all this, he did have a short term buddy-ship with a publisher, and he used that connections to get the publisher to read one of my novels. That was pretty cool. But it was not super cool, because it didn't work out.  (probably my fault)

Okay, but just writing random letters to people you don't know and thinking your CEO title is going to open doors.  That's NOT cool.

I don't think I opened any doors on my own more than a slight crack. But I think maybe my dad's letter closed any crack I might have opened.

And if by chance, some publisher was actually impressed with the letter, would I want to work for such a person?

No. I don't think so.

Now I'm thinking....

My dad DID write a letter to someone he didn't know, and I DID end up getting the job.

This was at the Fort Worth Zoo.  I wrote a cover letter asking for a job, and he sent a letter along with my letter.

Or maybe he did know someone from the zoo.

If not, though, my parents do donate a lot of money to the zoo. Maybe they were donating back in those days as well?

Money can definitely be an influence.

So did the zoo let me work there because my parents contributed to their cause?

Maybe.

Probably.

But that doesn't guarantee that I couldn't have gotten a job there on my own.

It was during my time at the zoo that I had the fight with my dad where he declared I've achieved nothing without him.

Then there's another time that my dad probably opened a door for me. And unlike the zoo, this one probably would HAVE been closed to me.

It's probably because of his power that I was able to be a counselor at the Cystic Fibrosis camp in Georgia.  You were supposed to be at least 18 to be a counselor there...unless you had CF.  I started working there when I was 16.

The company my dad worked (Arby's) for did a lot of charity work for the Atlanta Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.

I don't think I put two and two together until years later.

BUT....

Here's the thing.

Arby's got involved with the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation because of me. I became passionate about it, and somehow that led to them getting involved.

I forgot how, though.

I'm guessing there was some CF event I was involved with, and the company sponsored something. Then that led to other sponsorships?

Our friend/my dad's coworker (Greg) became very involved. It could be because the CF Foundation does sporting events, and Greg is very much into sports. He also read a novel I had written about CF. Maybe that was a little push? Or am I being delusional?

I'm probably being delusional.

And egotistical.

It would be nice to imagine that I inspired people with my writing and passion. But it was probably more a matter of fate—one person's path being a stepping stone for someone else's path.

Well...anyway.

If it WAS because of my dad that I was able to work for the CF camp, I can't NOT be somewhat grateful, because I really did have a good time there.

And I met my future husband there.

I'm mostly grateful to myself, though. Or proud of myself.

I'm proud of the passion I had for the Cystic Fibrosis cause.

I'm proud of the initiative I took to pursue that passion—writing, volunteering, learning, raising money, etc.

Personal hopes and aspirations-I wanted to get engaged, married, and have babies. Then when the teacher idea came to me, being published and the marriage stuff seemed less important.

Maybe wedding fantasies were sort of a bandaid for my career confusion and disappointments.

I'm sure I did envision getting married and having children.

But maybe, at some point, I became preoccupied with the idea since I was feeling empty in other areas.

Then teaching came along, and part of that hole was filled.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

The Flowery Journal My Sister Gave Me (Part 18)

I was glancing ahead at pages in the journal and saw that, towards the end, I would often answer only one question on the page.

I think I started off diligent; then later got lazy.

I don't blame myself.

Some of these questions are quite annoying.

I kind of feel like I was being interrogated.

So...

This page is another one about college.

Note: The blue is what was printed in the journal. Green is what I wrote (probably in 1996)


How I felt during my college years-Semester #1-happy, popular, excited. #2-Loved, happy. #3-happy, a little confused about my feelings. #4-horrible, lonely, depressed, rejected. #5-happy #6-lonely, alienated. #7-Happy, sometimes sad. #8-happy.

So I guess the second semester of my sophomore year was the worst. Or the hardest.

This was when I fell out of love with Mike, my boyfriend, and fell in love with David. And this happened around the same time. So yeah. Confusing.

Did I fall out of love with Mike because of David?

No. I don't think so.

I fell out of love on the family cruise we went on between 3rd and 4th semester.

I lost those loving feelings. I tried to get them back, because I didn't want to end a relationship. Then in the midst of all that, I started to have feelings for David.

That was the beginning of semester 4. Then the middle and the end had me being rejected by David.

I think my theme song for all that was "The Crying Game" by Boy George. I remember listening to that a lot.

What I wanted most-To be more popular. I wanted people to call me all the time. I wanted messages on my answering machine. I also wanted to learn a lot.  

What would be the use of all those phone calls? Did I ever ask myself that?

I think really it's about boosting one's self-esteem. But I think it would work for only so long. Then I'd start thinking things like, All these people think they like me, but if they knew what I was really like, they'd hate me.

Or maybe not. I might not think that. I'd more likely be thinking, This is a fluke. It's not going to last. Tomorrow everyone will have forgotten me.

The problem is, how do you keep up with all those phone calls?  You'd start having to sacrifice some of your sleep, work, hobbies, etc. And/or you'd end up neglecting loved ones.

What I needed most-I needed people to talk to. I needed to know that there was someone who would notice if I was kidnapped and disappeared.

I think it's important to feel that there are people out there who would notice if we were missing.

I have that now. I think Tim and Jack would very much notice if I didn't come down for dinner...breakfast too.  I think that's mostly on Jack, though. Tim can be very casual. I think if it was just the two of us, and I didn't appear for dinner, he'd think something like, Oh I guess she's sleeping.

I could be wrong. He MIGHT go searching for me. But I have a feeling he wouldn't. I don't think he'd start wondering until the next morning.

My sisters and parents would probably notice within a couple of days.

It depends, though.

Sometimes no one in my family texts each other for a few days. Or sometimes there's a lot of texting, but I don't participate. So if I went missing, they might not suspect anything.

Sometimes texts don't get answered right away, and people think nothing of it.

But other times....

Recently my sister texted me. Soon after I texted her back. I think I asked her questions or told her something? And she didn't write back. That was unusual. It's one thing to not answer a text that someone else has initiated. But to not answer a text after you initiated the conversation?

After an hour or so, I got a tiny bit worried. Then I started getting more worried and asked Tim to text her husband. But I didn't want them to know I was worried, so I asked him to just ask something regarding a different subject. If my brother-in-law answered, it seemed sort of a good sign, because it meant they weren't in the midst of a family emergency. Though I did recognize that my sister could have had a trauma her husband hadn't learned of yet.

BUT...just before or as Tim was about to reach out, my sister texted. By then, I think I actually did have the courage to admit I was worried.

Or maybe not.

I forget.

Experiences I was eager to have-boyfriend, sex, close friends.

I ended up getting all of those. Yay me.

What I wanted to learn-Everything. It was important to me to have variety in my class selections.

I loved that college offered such a variety of subjects and that you could learn from subjects outside your major.

What I wanted to show those around me-That I was fun to be around. I wanted people to know the real me, but few did. Very people knew or cared about my writing or about my camp experiences.  

I changed into a whole new Dina. But sometimes I maybe wished people could see the old Dina.

No.

 It wasn't really the old, because I was still writing and I was still going to CF camp.

I think it was more about people knowing only the surface-me.  But to be fair, I probably only knew the surface of them.

What I wanted to become-I wanted to be a writer and a filmmaker.

Thinking more about superficial relationships.

They're not always bad. In fact, I think they can be fun.

There might be people we don't tell our secrets to. We don't talk about our past. We don't talk about our families. We don't share our aspirations. We don't talk what we dreamed last night.

We just have fun together.

Maybe we have water balloon fights.

Or we go dancing together.

Or we team up to fight a war in a video game.

If on Twitter, maybe we all just talk about hating Trump together.

As long as the superficialness is mutual, I think it's fine.

When it becomes NOT-fine is when one person shares their life a lot, and the other person's life is ignored.

One person's life becomes a storyline and the other is just supposed to listen and support. I don't like when that happens.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

The Flowery Journal My Sister Gave Me (Part 15)

More journal stuff.

Note: The blue is what was printed in the diary. And the green is what I wrote (as in answered their questions).

At this time of my life, my greatest struggle was-with friendships. Or should I say lack of friendships?

Now I'm lacking in friendship and I don't feel I'm struggling. 

That being said, I have people in my life that I love and love me. So I'm not lonely.

If I had no family and no friends...and no cats.  I'd be lonely. I'd be struggling.

Looking back, what I now realize is-I can never have an intense social life. I'm just not a social person. That might be because I don't drink. I think I shall try drinking and see if it improves my social life. 

I don't think I tried very hard. I would take sips of things here and there. Then I do remember trying to drink a whole drink of something. Maybe I did finish it? But it didn't make me feel relaxed, exciting, joyful, inhibited, etc. I think it just made me feel gross. Maybe kind of like I had been mildly poisoned?

What influenced me during these years-The ouija board experience and Alex: the Life of a Child.

I wasn't sure what time period I was supposed to be talking about on this page.

I think this journal is kind of confusing.

But I'm guessing that, by what I wrote, it was my teen years.

The experience that taught me most-was Camp Wak-n-Hak.

That was the Cystic Fibrosis camp. It was a much more positive experience than the ouija board. BUT I think in the end the ouija board experience taught me more.

Important decisions I made-To volunteer for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. To eventually forgive Melissa for the ouija board.

The Cystic Fibrosis stuff ultimately led me to my family (Tim and Jack). So yeah. Pretty damn important.

I'm not sure if forgiving Melissa was that big of a thing. Because though I forgave her for that, she's pissed me off, through the years, for various other reasons.  BUT...I love her lots.

Learning from joy and pain-From pain I learned not to ever completely trust people. From joy, I learned to laugh. Shit, how fucking corny.

I imagine I was fed up with my own corniness, but even more so, the corniness of the journal.

I have a feeling (and vague memories to support it) that I was annoyed by the repetitiveness of the question.

Either they're asking the same thing repeatedly...in different ways. And/or the questions somehow led me to be repetitive  .

Click HERE for the index to my diary/journal posts.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online

The Flowery Journal My Sister Gave Me (Part 13)

I'm getting back to doing my journal posts.

Note: The blue is what was printed in the journal.  The green is what I wrote (back in 1996, probably)

My best friend when I was a teenager was-Jennifer K maybe, but my best friends in high school were like acquaintances compared to the friends I had later in life.

I guess that's true. I was arguing with my past self...at first. But then I realized I was thinking of my friends the first semester of college. Those friendships were pretty shallow.  Later I had more substantial friendships.

The thing is, even with those friends, I have a hard time believing in the friendship because we no longer keep in touch.

When I no longer talk to a friend, I feel it's not just our present relationship that's diminished but the memory of it as well. This is especially the case in the 21st century where it would be SO incredibly easy to keep in touch if both of us cared enough and made the effort.

What I remember most about the time we spent together-I remember Jennifer K's mom insisting on kissing me goodnight which I thought was very strange. I remember going to movies with my friends. 

I vaguely remember the kissing thing. I think it made me uncomfortable.

I hope, in these times, that more and more adults are realizing it is NOT okay to pressure or force kids into affectionate/touchy moments.

What I learned from this friendship was-High school friendships are very hard when you can't drive.

This is what I learned from Jennifer?

I'm guessing I was thinking more about my social life in general.

Maybe I misread the question.

Or....maybe I couldn't think of anything to say about Jennifer, so I just went in another direction.

Other important friends in my life were-April M, Rachel E, Nancy K, Jean T.

Three of those friends were from the Cystic Fibrosis community and the other was a friend I met in Nashville after we moved my senior year.

As I look back on these friends, I think-Age doesn't matter in friendship. No, not that. Age does matter. But it is not necessary to have friends the same age as you. Especially when you hate the age where you are at.

I actually like that.

It still make sense to me.

It fits with what I wrote in the previous question. Because 3 of the 4 people listed were NOT teenagers. Two were kids, and one was an elderly woman.

I don't think I liked the teen years.

I once had this theory. I can't remember it exactly. But it was along the lines of each age group having a kind of culture. And no matter what age we are, there's an age group that best fits are personality.

So, even though I'm in my 40's...I think I still fit into a...probably tween age group.

And I'm not trying to say I'm immature.

I just like kid things.

I like going out for ice-cream.

I love candy.

I like stuffed animals.

I love Disney World.

It's stuff like that.

Then there might be a man in his sixties who likes going clubbing, flirting, drinking, etc.  He would fit best in the 20's age group.

There might be a 25-year-old man who hates clubbing.  He loves playing bingo and watching war documentaries. He'd probably fit best in a 70's age group.

So for the 25-year-old man, if he can't find friends close to his age, he can relate to, it might be better for him to find friends that are in their 70's.

That being said, I don't have any friends right now that are children.

I think my best friends at this point in my life are my two cats...besides my husband, teenage son, sisters, etc.

Are these friends still part of my life-Jennifer K is and April also. Nancy K is dead.

I didn't realize Nancy died that early. I also didn't realize I was still talking to April at this point. Though I think maybe I read it in my old diaries a few months back.  I remember being kind of surprised then too.  I guess my past self has to keep reminding my forgetful present self about certain things.

At this time of my life, in the family I was closet to-Melissa because there was and always be a bond between us.

I'm now equally close to my older sister Dawn. And yeah there will always be a bond between all of us.  Even when we're very mad at each other.

The first person I ever had a crush on was-Mike N.-first or second grade. He looked like Ricky Schroeder. 

I remember Mike, but I forgot the Ricky Schroeder resemblance thing.

The first person I ever fell in love with was-I don't know. I can't tell whether my past feelings were love or infatuation. I don't think what I felt for Mike was truly love. Maybe I loved David first or maybe it's Tim.

I might be wrong, but I THINK I was referring to Mike, my college boyfriend and not Mike my elementary school crush.

My first date was with-Carson.

What I remember most about Carson was being nervous about our upcoming first kiss and then later very much not enjoying that first kiss.

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

The Flowery Journal My Sister Gave Me (part 10)

More Journal Stuff.

Note: The blue is what was printed in the journal and the green is what I wrote (in 1996, probably)

The most influential adults during my adolescence were-Stephen King, my teachers at Hillsboro High School. Steven Spielberg.

So I was greatly influenced by the Stevens. Though the teachers at my high school were not named Stephen/Steven At least as far as I can remember.

What I learned from them-Stephen King made me want to be a writer. Steven Spielberg made me want to be a filmmaker, and the teachers made me want to be both the filmmaker and writer and a teacher.

Huh? I don't remember wanting to be a teacher back when I was in high school.

Important friends-Jennifer K, Olga L, Marni S, Jennifer L.

I became most interested in-CF, the supernatural, writing, death, having a boyfriend, going to college.

Yeah. That seems about right.

And began to think about-Was everyone having sex but me?

I remember feeling that everyone else was MUCH more sexually experienced than me.

I'm guessing these days teens can go to various online message boards and be reassured that they're not alone regarding the things that make them feel like freaks.  Although then there's the risk that once they open up, they'll be viciously attacked for thinking and/or behaving outside the norm.  But...hopefully on balance, they'll find more support and companionship than hatred.

The role school played in my life-I hated it. High school, at least. Well Hillsboro was nice, but the North Springs experience was not.

Yet recently I had been confused when I went back and read my high school diaries, BECAUSE it seemed as if I had been fairly happy at North Springs.

I can't figure out if I had been in denial while in high school or if something later clouded and soured my high school memories.

Actually...you know what. I think it's a combination of both things.

I think I had a fairly bad time in high school but lied to myself and imagined things were better than I wanted to admit. Then as years passed, I warped the bad memories into even worse memories.

Other important activities-CF camp, all the CF stuff.

Experiences that began to shape me-Seeing Alex the Life of a Child, the ouija board, having mono, the death of Jason M, reading the Spoof of Amityville Horror in Cracked Magazine, Dawn's accident.

I remembered and understood all those references EXCEPT for the Amityville Horror one. I was sitting here thinking, what????

But now I think I know.

I think what happened is I read the satire, and then that night had a dream that inspired me to write a short story. After that, I wrote more short stories; then started writing novels and screenplays. So I think the story in Cracked Magazine is what sparked my whole writing thing.

As for the other things, I feel I should explain them all. But I've already done so multiple times in this blog. If by some chance, someone is curious, they can do a search thingie.

Was I happy? No, definitely not. I was a miserable child. It is a complete miracle that I did not commit suicide. Yes, there were happy moments but they are overshadowed by the bad.

Yikes.

I'm thinking I was upset when I filled out that page, and that the present was clouding the past.

That's not to say there isn't truth to what I wrote. I was horribly miserable at times.

I feel my childhood is full of contradiction.

In some ways, I feel I had a very idyllic childhood—especially the Madison, Wisconsin years.  Sometimes I can go on and on about the trivial, wonderful aspects about my childhood. But between all the good stuff, there was also some emotionally traumatic stuff.

I guess, in a way, it's like my life now. There are things that are really bothering me and stressing me out. Yet I'm still having an enjoyable day—eating donuts, watching my TV shows, reading a fantastic book, spending time with my husband, son, and cats, etc.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

The Flowery Journal My Sister Gave Me (Part 9)

The journal continues.

Note: Blue is what is printed in the journal. Green is what I wrote (in 1996)

Oh wait!  I see on this page that I filled some things out AFTER 1996. I went back and wrote some things in 2001.

The first time I felt as if I were no longer a child was when-Hasn't happened yet. And still hasn't happened yet (April 2001)  

I think I wrote the first sentence above in 1996 (or later), and then the other part was written in 2001.

As for now? How about I say, I feel like an adult who has a strong inner child.

Being older brought these changes in my life—Better self-esteem. Bigger breasts. Chubbier thighs. More intelligence. More confidence. More memories of the past. 

I was confused about the last line at first. But now I'm thinking I might have meant that the older you are, the longer your past is. And that would equal more memories.

When I was fifteen, I had memories of only about 12 years. Now that I'm 45, I have memories from my earlier 40's, my 30's, 20's, teen years, and childhood. 

Important physical changes-dry skin, not as thin anymore. Bigger breasts, menstruation.

How I felt about these changes-I hated all of them.

I still struggle with the desire to be thin.

I still strongly hate menstruation.  

I'm fine with dry skin, because I have lotion to see me through the tough times.  

I was now aware of-the fact that Michael Jackson was not the decent human being I had learned him to be.

Really? But in an earlier diary, I had seemed totally fine with Woody Allen.

Maybe some racism there? 

It could have also been me being silly/sarcastic. I think the journal had wanted me to say something deep, but instead I wrote some random thing.

I don't really remember being caught up in the Michael Jackson pedophile drama. I don't think it ever strongly occupied my mind.

What had become important to me- Writing and finding a cure for CF

I'm guessing I was choosing to use this page to talk about my middle school years.  Even though I felt I hadn't left childhood when I started middle school. I think I understood that this was the time period that he journal questions were referring to.  

But yeah. It was seventh grade when I became passionate about CF and writing.

What I liked doing most-Writing, reading, seeing movies. 

The hardest part of growing up-Not being able to play Barbies anymore. Getting clothes for Chanukah instead of toys.

I should have just kept playing Barbies.  

Now I'd probably prefer getting chocolate over toys AND clothes.

And I like make-up.  

But sometimes I like clothes and/or toys.  

Click HERE for the index to my diary/journal posts.

My Life in 1995 (Part 8)...and also a bit of 1996

More of this diary shit....

My mind is spinning with ideas about the future. I know I want to be with Tim. That is one definite. I know I want to write. Right now I'm just interested in making money and establishing a life. (7/4/95)

I think I was pressured to find a career.

My feeling now is it would have probably been better to have just found a job; then go from there. Work; keep writing in my spare time; then see what happens.

I feel sad and stressed out because my family loves me but they give way too much advice. I don't know what to do.

I think the funniest part of my life is Tim. The whole thing is just so hilarious.

I don't know. I love him, but then my family is jealous of him. I guess. I don't know. Tim is the best listener, so if they are going for a listening contest, they should be jealous. But besides that, they don't need to be jealous.

I guess right now I just want to live my own life and be free. (7/10/95)

Wow. That IS hilarious. Because for a LONG time, I've been jealous of Tim's relationship with my family.  It seems crazy that there was a time that I thought my family was jealous of Tim.

Had they met Tim yet? We all went to Chicago, and they met him there. Had that happened and I hadn't yet written about it in my diary?

I'm thinking it hadn't happened yet.

I think what happened is my parents were weary of this man they never met. Then when they met him, they fell in love with him, and he fell in love with them.

I am feeling much better about life. I decided I'm going to write young adult literature, because that is what my writing style is like. I hope that, while in California, I either sell a screenplay or get a book published. I want to be successful. 

I have such a perfect relationship and I am happy and thankful for that. Tim is the greatest guy in the world, and I have no fears or reservations about spending my life with him.  (7/23/95)

I didn't sell a screenplay or get a book published in California. Nor did it happen for me in New York or Texas. I did self-publish some novels. I guess that's okay. But it doesn't make me feel successful.

Anyway there was a big jump between the two diary entries. I'm guessing during those unwritten days, we went to Chicago.

I am sad about April and I miss her a lot. I wish I knew that she was alive. I wish there was a cure for CF, and all the kids would be alive again. (8/2/95)

I'm not sure why I was suddenly thinking about CF. I'm guessing it had something to do with Tim, since I had originally met him at CF camp, and he had three brothers with CF.

If I remember correctly....

The first time Tim kissed me, I think we were looking at his old camp photos. I saw a photo of Passha, one of my campers, who had died, and I started crying.

I am so bored because there is nothing to do. All my stuff is gone. I am a bit excited about moving to a new apartment, but I see no point anymore in film school. It all seems like a complete waste. I feel very forced into this. My parents make me go to school and then they say I shouldn't act like I am going to school only because they force me to.  But I am only acting out the truth. They say I always wanted to go to film school. I wanted to go to school in NYC, not some Catholic school.  (8/12/95)

That kind of reminds me of other situations where someone pressures me to do something I don't want to do; then on top of it, they want me to act happy that I'm doing it.

Anyway....

I have so many crazy-mixed feelings.  I still feel somewhat annoyed at my parents for pressuring me to go to film school when I didn't want to. For them, it wasn't about film school, specifically. They had this idea that I HAD to go to graduate school. I needed to continue my education. I think they feared that if I didn't, I'd waste my life. Or something like that. I think they were just anxious about my future.

Maybe if we had all been more educated in those days, I could have done research and explained to them, the benefits of having a gap year. Sometimes people need a break from it all, so they can learn more about themselves and how they want to spend their life.

In the end, though, I DID get that break from education. I dropped out of film school after a semester.

A part of me is regretting that. A part of me wishes I stayed and pursued a filmmaking career. But that still wouldn't have guaranteed success. And the only thing I might have gotten, from the adventure, is way too many horrific MeToo stories.

I can be pretty dense sometimes. I didn't realize until recently that women were so underrepresented in film.

Anyway, a large part of me does NOT regret leaving film school. I ended up moving to NYC to be with Tim, and those were wonderful years.  If anything, I regret leaving New York.

I am in Los Angeles now. I have mixed feelings sometimes. I have fun. Other times I feel very lonely. I just wish I didn't have to be here. But in a way I don't want to leave, because I like my apartment so much. (8/29/95)

I think that's funny.

I guess I just liked the feeling of living on my own?

It must have been nice in some ways.  I didn't have any roommates. The solitude probably gave me a mixture of fear, loneliness, and freedom.

I've been in California for exactly a month now and I still don't have a real friend. 

I haven't gotten any phone calls from any LA people and I haven't gone anywhere with anyone either.

The big highlight of my day is that the owner of the video store said, "Hi Dina". It was so nice to hear someone call me by name.

Despite my lack of contact with humanity (or animals for that matter), I am still in good spirits, probably because of Tim. I talk to him almost everyday now, and one day we plan to get married. Pretty cool. (9/19/95)

I find it kind of alarming that we didn't talk EVERY day. Was that normal in those days?

Well, it's easier to find time to text someone than it is to have a phone call. I remember Tim was very busy with work.

Rohit keeps calling, and he annoys the hell out of me. He is trying to invite himself over so I can cook for him. (10/11/95)

I don't remember Rohit at all.

Why did he want me to cook for him?  It's not like I've ever been an amazing chef.

This afternoon I dreamed that I was an adopted child in an Asian family. I felt pretty much unloved by them, except for my older brother. I loved him more than anything in the world.

I felt he was my protection, and the person I could lean on.

I feel confused about Tim. I love him, but I think he takes me for granted.  I think I want to feel that I am the most important person in the world to him and that he'd never leave me. I want to be the center of his life. But now I don't feel that way.

He used to make me feel so special. He does still call me a lot. I believe he still loves me. He just isn't very romantic about it anymore.  (11/29/95)

I like that dream. I wonder what it meant.

As for Tim, those feelings of doubt have never left me.

Did Tim's behavior change, or did my perception change?

I think one of the things I always wanted in life is to feel that I'm EXTREMELY important to someone. I wanted to be the center of someone's universe—their top priority. I wanted someone who adored me and worried about me. I wanted to be someone's favorite.

I'm not sure if that's a healthy wish.

I'm not sure it's realistic.

Whether it's a realistic wish or not, I think wishing it has caused me grief. When you have high expectations, it's easy to be disappointed.

I talked to April today which is a miracle for me since I thought I lost her forever. She's 14 now and in 8th grade. What really cracked me up is she said she had been dating Alan since he was 9, and they now had broke up.

I thought it has just been a camp fling.

She remembered "Boys are on this side" and "Cough 3 times for Froggy's breakfast, lunch, and dinner." I was happy because she mentioned them first.  (1/6/96)

Oh! I didn't remember that phone call. I'm very glad it happened.

The stuff in quotes were private jokes between the two of us. Well, they weren't really private. It was just fun/silly stuff that we shared.

I think that was the last time I talked to April, and she died about two years later. I didn't know about her death until recently.

Now Tim has visited and I love him even more.  It was the best time I have ever had with him. I feel so happy and comfortable with him. He is very cute. Now everything reminds me of him. (1/18/95)

That's sweet.

I wonder if Tim made me feel more loved during that visit.  Or did I simply push aside the feelings of insecurity?

I am still in love with Tim. This is the longest I have loved a guy. It's been about 11 months now and almost 10 months of dating.

Tim and I are getting closer and closer. I guess September-December  were one of the low points of our relationship, while Jan-March has been a high point. (3/13/95)

I'm guessing the low point was because of the distance?

I think by this time (March) I was living in NYC.

I vaguely remember a low point then.  But I think it maybe happened towards the summer.

I remember feeling very unloved by Tim—like he was annoyed and disgusted by me.  I remember maybe being in a park and complaining about the nature of things and him snapping, Well, I guess the honeymoon stage is over.  Or something like that.

I also remember going with him to Texas for my sister's high school graduation. We had a dinner with family friends, and I remember Tim spending a lot of time talking to our friend's current girlfriend. He gave her a lot of attention, and I felt lonely, rejected, hopeless, jealous, etc.  It wasn't just that he was giving her attention, but I think there was bad blood between me and him. We weren't getting along.

But that bad patch didn't last...fortunately.

I think it was just the adjustment of going from long distance to living in the same city. It's not always easy.

I'm in NY now. It's almost summer and it's 40 or so degrees. (5/12/96)

Oh! I guess I was wrong about having moved to NYC by March.

But then where was I then?  I dropped out of film school the first semester.  I guess I lived in Texas with my parents for awhile?

Things are pretty good here. At first things were super between me and Tim. We were like the perfect couple. Then we got cable TV and we became a normal couple. (5/12/95)

And NOW we have HBO, Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu. They're pretty much the backbone of our relationship...and also coparenting Jack, Annie, and Yeti.

We have spent too much time together and we are beginning to annoy each other. I still love him, though and I'm not very worried because our problems are so typical. They're very much male/female problems. What TV show to watch. Guy flipping through channel. Looking at other women, etc. 

We have spent too much time together, though. Where you want time away from someone, but then when they leave, you miss them terribly.  (5/12/95)

To me, that kind of sounds like codependency.

I'm starting to see that Tim is definitely not perfect. For one thing he can't admit he was wrong. He'll apologize but he says it in a manipulative way to make it seem like he did nothing wrong and it's just all my fault. (5/22/95)

Holy fucking shit!

I had no idea I noticed it back then.

I didn't know I even really understood manipulation.

I'm kind of proud of my past self.

I still love him but I'm angry with him right now. I don't like the way he is treating me. I feel as though I'm unimportant to him and he made it perfectly clear that his career came before me. That is complicated, though. I know if someone said give up writing or lose Tim, I'd give up writing. If it was Tim who didn't want me to be a writer, I'd give up him. Still, he is being very insensitive lately. I'm not sure what to do. (5/22/95)

And now I'm not proud.

I was just thinking about this recently—wondering if I had pushed Tim to give up his career dreams.

I'm not sure.

He wanted to join the FBI.  In the version I WANT to be true, I got mad because he started talking about his career plans in a way that made it sound like he wasn't including me in the picture.

In the version, I'm scared is true, I pushed him not to follow his dreams because I worried too much about his safety.

I really don't know.

I might be deluding myself, but I'm kind of leaning towards the first. I don't think I'm the type of person to push someone to not follow their dreams.  I AM the type to get easily offended if I feel not loved enough.

Well...and just reread the excerpt. I don't think I'm THAT much of a hypocrite. I don't think I'd say I'd leave Tim if he asked me to stop writing while meanwhile insisting he give up his own career dreams.

Yeah. I think my anger WAS about hearing him making career goals in a way that made it sound like I might not be a part of the picture.

This weekend was the Jewish new year, so I'm supposed to reflect upon the year.

My favorite part has to be Tim. I am still madly in love with him. I get pissed at him sometimes, but I even love the things about him that drive me nuts.  

Update on life.

Melissa is at college now having a party life. 

Dawn hates her job.

I do temp work.

Tim works at Radio Shack.

Mom has a new computer. 

(There's some random stuff here about cousins I don't feel I should relay).

Life is insane! Oh, and Matthew is Jewish now. (3/15/96)

And THAT is the end of my adventures with Hallmark diaries.  I think it's funny that the last thing I ever wrote in them was about Matthew.

I have three writing notebooks I want to go through...I'll start that in a few weeks. Maybe.

In the future, I might also add my pregnancy/early motherhood journals. Right now, those still feel too fresh.  So I'll wait a bit on those.



Click HERE for the index to my diary/journal posts.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

My Life in 1995 (part 6)

My college diaries continued.

These excerpts come from towards the end of my senior year.

The best thing is that Tim called last night and I don't know how he feels about me, but I think he might be the guy I am supposed to marry, if I am supposed to marry.

I am beginning to think that marriage is not in my destiny. Otherwise, why would I find a guy in New York, but then be sent to California.  

I really thought I was supposed to go to New York.

Tim keeps talking about destiny and that always makes me think of Forrest Gump. (4/21/95)

I think that was the first time we had spoken on the phone.  I think we had been emailing for a few weeks prior to that.

Tim later told me he hadn't had feelings for me back then...outside of enjoying a camp-reunion kind of friendship. Or something like that.  

I think Tim is the type of man who gives a lot of friendly attention to women even though he's probably not attracted to them. I think he, James, and David-from-my-first-semester are similar. With many women, they are attentive, funny, jovial, and helpful. And in return, they get lots of adoration.  

Oh! And my dad is the same way.  

Last night I got in a fight with Matthew. Now I don't really want to be his friend anymore. 

He is greedy, a snob, selfish, rude, immature, racist, and cruel.

I think he has serious problems and he tries to control people.

Tim said it seems like Matthew is trying to end the relationship by making it impossible for me to be friends with him.  (4/23/95)

OR could it be that Matthew was the same as I was back then. I would test people by sulking and talking about suicide. Maybe Matthew tested people by being very offensive.

I think we were both disturbed.  It makes me wonder. Is is for the best that we split apart? Or could we have somehow been helpful to each other?

We had fun at Six Flags. I was with Carol and Luke. Then I lost them and I found Russ, Jenni, and Brian so I hung out with them. It was a lot of fun. 

The worst thing was Rachel didn't show up. (4/30/95)

I'm GUESSING that Rachel was Rachel from my CF days. She lived in the same city as that particular Six Flags. I'm guessing we were still in contact and had made plans?

Or I could be totally wrong and it was another Rachel.  

The one thing I remember on this trip is Luke making me laugh. He was poking fun at the fact that people scream when they get wet on water rides. So why don't they scream like that when taking a shower?

BUT now I've come to realize it's probably about water temperature.

I talked to Tim on the phone for about an hour on Friday and we talked on the computer last night for about an hour. (4/30/95)

Cool!

I talked to Dr. H. which was embarrassing since I am sick. I think maybe I learned a lesson about hanging out in wet clothes. I spent 5 hours in wet clothes. That aint good. (5/2/95)

The dangers of Six Flags.

I really think I am falling in love with Tim. My mother says that is totally impossible, because you can't fall in love with someone on the telephone. 

Who ever made up that rule? 

I hate when people make up rules of love and expect you to follow them.  (5/5/95)

I think times have changed, and now a lot of people are open to the idea of falling in love via telephone, text, email, etc.

Linda B. was so sweet. She started crying when she said good-bye to me. Mr. K was nice too. Everyone was so nice, and even the rabbi was friendly to my parents. I was quite surprised.

Matthew came. I haven't seen him for two weeks. He was pretty nice and he said he got me a graduation present.  (5/5/95)

I was referring to synagogue, I assume.

My parents had come in for graduation, so I guess I had invited them to go to a Friday night service with me.  

Today was graduation. It was boring, but not that bad. (5/7/95)

I'm kind of mad at my roommates because they canceled dinner yesterday and I did not see them at graduation. I think that was rude. I'm kind of glad to get out of there. (5/7/95)

Well, now I do kind of feel bad for my past self.  Earlier I had felt abandoned by Matthew regarding the graduation. And now I was rejected by my roommates.

I think also, rejection hurts even more when there is an audience.

I can imagine I felt embarrassed telling my parents and sisters that my roommates weren't going to show up.  If I remember correctly, there was hardly anyone I knew at graduation. I remember feeling a bit like a loser.

On the bright side, it seems I got a lot of love from the Jewish community there.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

My Life in 1995 (Part 3)

It's time for a new diary—the last one I owned.

It has a bunch of cat stickers in the beginning. I wonder if someone gave them to me; or did I buy them for myself?

Last night I had a lot of fun. We played games at Dan F.'s house. 

It was me, Ryan, Matthew, Dan, and Phillip K. 

After we played, we had a long discussion about religion, our childhood, and head injuries. (2/12/95)

Another night where I was the Smurfette in the situation. 

As for head injuries, Dan endured one, and so did my sister. So that's probably why we talked about it.

I gave Matthew his present. Sometimes, and more lately, he's been acting like a spoiled brat. I feel as though he expects too much out of me. As if I'm just supposed to be all these things to him and shower him with love, gifts, and attention. He does give me a lot, but sometimes I don't know. (2/16/95)

I'm not sure what my deal was there. I wanted a lot from Matthew as well. We probably made a good pair. 

Tonight, after studying Judaism for my test, I envisioned my life written as a Bible. The Book of Preschool, The Book of Poltergeist, The Book of Cystic Fibrosis, The Book of Becky F. The Book of Writing. The Book of the Accident. The Book of Judaism. The Book of David. The Book of Jesse.

And now, the Book of Matthew, of course. (2/20/95) 

I can't believe I didn't include the The Book of The Exorcist, The Book of The Ouija Board, The Book of the Cruise, etc.

And why did Jesse and David get a whole book, but there's no book for my actual ex-boyfriend, Mike!

Yesterday and this morning I was feeling very depressed. Now I am feeling a little better. I am listening to Jesus Christ Superstar. (2/22/95)

I get random waves of depression. They're strong but not debilitating, because they don't last long. I wonder if I had the same things back then.

I skipped my first class this morning because I was tired and depressed. I need some more sleep. I think part of the reason I was depressed is because I was so tired. (2/22/95)

Yeah. Tiredness can do it to you.

Today was weird...very weird.  I had weird nostalgic dreams about playing with Colorforms and then we went to see The Brady Bunch movie. It made me sad in a Brady Bunch kind of way. (2/24/95)

Huh?

Well, anyway seeing the word Colorforms, just now, gave me a lovely nostalgic feeling.

I think I had Sesame Street Colorforms when I was a child.

I just Googled and found a whole website about the history of Colorforms.  Awesome!

Well...never mind.  It's actually the website of the Colorforms company. I think the main purpose is to sell their current Colorforms.

Now I'm looking on Ebay. They have a lot of Sesame Street Colorforms. I'm not sure which one we had.

I think Rabbi K. is a real asshole. He wrote on my last page of my test that it was extraneous. His damn cocky attitude is extraneous. (2/24/95)

Oh God! What would the rabbi think if he saw some of my blog entries! I think I'm the queen of extraneous writing.

It was an awful week and last night was another night of despair and terror. Matthew and I got in a fight. He was going to Tennessee Tech and we got in a fight about that and everything. Then we made up somewhat and he said he called but he never did so I thought he was killed. (2/26/95) 

Why was I mad about him going to Tennessee Tech? I hope I wasn't being controlling about what school he attended.  

Well, I just looked, and the school was more than an hour away from where we were. So there'd be a separation. I think there was some co-dependency going on there.

Matthew and I made up. He called me 3 times yesterday. I finally called him back and he was super nice. He said I didn't need to apologize for getting angry. (2/25/95)

If I was angry about his choice of school, I DID need to apologize. But maybe the situation was not what I'm thinking it was.  

I talked to the CF room on the computer. They were nice, but I found out who in Georgia died. Chris S. and Cyndi C. died. Then some other people who I'm not sure if I knew. I think it is too depressing and I don't know if I want to go back. (3/2/95)

It was a CF chat room that eventually led me to getting together with Tim. I wonder if this was the room?

What happened is the chat room transcripts were sent to people on a mailing list. Tim's mom saw it, and I...

I don't remember exactly. Maybe she wrote to me and then suggested I write to her four sons because  they had gone to the camp. Yeah...I think that's what happened.

I don't want any friends. I don't want to live anymore. The only reason I stay alive is because I don't want to hurt my family.

I don't want to be friends with Matthew anymore. I can't stand Ryan or Luke anymore.

I hate Matthew right now and would rather never speak to him again.

I am mad at God. I am so sick of this life and the pain.

I want to be forever alone.

I am sick and tired of all this.

I wish I could go to sleep tonight and never wake up. I think I will stop eating because it is a slow suicide and maybe not so bad.  I don't think I can forgive Matthew, not after what he has done. (3/4/95)

Oh Lord. Now what happened?

The only thing I remember Matthew doing to make me mad (besides laughing when I needed him to be supportive) is he chose to go to some Jewish event rather than my graduation. Would I have actually been that depressed over that?  Or maybe there is something else I blocked out?

Some woman on AOL has really helped me tremendously. She helped me realize that my main problem is that I worry people will leave me and I get in bad moods to test people. She made me realize if people leave, screw them.  (3/5/95)

Thank you, AOL-Woman! I think what she said was very true, and I think her advice was helpful.

I'm not sure if I followed it at that point, but I think I've followed it for the last decade or so.  

I don't worry much about rejection, and when it happens, I feel minimal pain.  

I STILL test people but not in the form of going into bad moods to see if they're going to abandon me or not.

I've been thinking about testing people lately. I know this will probably sound awful, but I'm not against it.  I think as long as it doesn't involve cruelty and dishonesty, it can be helpful. I think the big mistake, though, is testing someone and then confronting them about it. This only gives them the chance to lie, gaslight, explain their way out of things, etc.  

I think if we're going to test, we should accept the answer we're given. If we're still unsure, we can always retest on a different date.

I should probably give an example.

Let's say you have a friend with whom you often text. You start to get the idea that you are always texting her first. You wonder if she even cares about you. Or is she just too polite to ignore your texts?

So you decide on a test. You're going to refrain from texting her. If she doesn't text back, she probably doesn't care that much about you. If she does text back, she probably had just gotten used to you taking the initiative.  

You stop texting her.

You used to talk about every other day.

Now it's been two weeks since you've talked.

I think the best thing to do is conclude that your friend really doesn't care about you. It's time to move on.

But if you instead text your friend and pour out your feelings about feeling unloved and taken for granted; it's likely she'll bullshit you with fake reassurances.  

If there's another reason besides lack-of-love that has prevented her from texting, you'll learn about it eventually, and you can work from there.

Anyway, I'm giving this advice only because I've failed with it so often!  But I'm going to TRY and change that.  

Back to the bad mood thing, though. I think that would be unethical...if done on a conscious level.  If you sit there and say, I'm going to act like a shitty person and see if anyone still loves me; than you deserve to be left.

With me, I don't think it was an actual conscious choice.  OR....

Well, I don't think my bad moods were fake and/or deliberate. I think it was more like I'd be in a bad mood, BECAUSE I felt insecure and had self-esteem issues. I think the tests were more on a subconscious level.  

I know a young child who has behavior issues.  I once saw him misbehave and cause a whole drama at a restaurant. My heart was hurting for him, because I could understand and relate to those feelings.  It's like you want to behave and act like a delightful person, but there is something inside of you that's pushing you to stay in the monster-zone.  It's SO hard to get out.

Fortunately, the child has a mother that is usually very caring and supportive.  I think because of that, the child was able walk away from the dark-side. We were able to end the meal on a happy note.  

Click HERE for the index to my diary/journal posts.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online