Bethany Had No Love Handles

I’m sadly no longer watching Coronation Street full time, because Hulu stopped carrying it.  But I step back into Weatherford here and there, such as when having extra digital credits from Amazon or Cyber Monday sales makes temporarily subscribing to BritBox a good deal.  

Anyway… I’ve been catching up by watching sporadic episodes from the last few months.

One storyline has Bethany (Lucy Fallon) hospitalized with a stoma bag situation, because her discounted liposuction in Turkey went very wrong.  

Her Uncle David (Jack P Shepherd) confesses he might be partly to blame.  Bethany had mentioned to him that she was researching Liposuction for a story… and, I guess, seemed intrigued by it on a personal level.  

David had made a joke along the lines of her having extreme love handle issues.

Even though she didn’t.  And David didn't think she did. He was just trying to be funny, not realizing she had body image issues.

The drama reminded me of times that men in my family have made little jokes/comments that crushed my self-esteem.

It could be that they actually wanted to lower my self-esteem… take away some of my power to make themselves more powerful.

But it could have also been that they were totally joking and wrongly believed I had a ton of confidence about the issue and would have taken it in stride. 

I also worry that I may have jokingly-insulted people, at points in my life, believing that they had self-confidence about the issue and therefore would be amused rather than wounded.

I don’t want to preach that we should stop joking and teasing.  

Maybe we just need to be more mindful… 

Maybe clarify we’re joking… if we suspect the joke wasn’t received in the way we intended.

And....

Maybe if we tend to roast someone in most of our interactions, we need to surprise them with a compliment here and there.

I Might Have Autistic Feet and Maybe Also Autistic Hair

Yesterday during a Googling adventure, I learned there are clues to autism in the feet.  

Oh!  Now I remember.  I was Googling cowlicks/hair whorls.

It came about because a conversation on Twitter.

Someone compared being defined by autism to being defined by diabetes. 

I think the point is that saying someone is autistic dehumanizes them to their autism when they are so much more than that. I would much rather be called someone with diabetes than a diabetic. I am more than just diabetes.

I joked back that almost everything about me is autistic except maybe my nose and hair.  I then added: Diabetes is about your pancreas.  And it would be strange for someone's pancreas to play that big of a part in their personality.  Autism is about our brains.  And our brains play a HUGE part in who we are.

Someone then reminded me that THERE is autistic hair.  Supposedly autistic people are supposed to have hair whorls and cowlicks.  It's actually on one of the autistic tests.  

I wasn't and am still not sure if I have these hair things.  Though I got some indication that the ugly part I sometimes see in the back of my head might be one of these things.  I'm not sure.  

Anyway,  whether or not I have hair whorls, I decided my hair IS autistic.  For the past few years, I wore it up even though I preferred how it looked down (if I didn't see the back via a mirror or photograph), because of sensory issues.  And now I have it cut short...for sensory issues and also the hope it was a step up appearance-wise from wearing a pony tail all the time. (One thing: I can no longer easily see that ugly back-hair-part thing). 

I should also not that my hair is OCD, because having it short reduces the chance that it ends up touching gross/contamination type stuff.  

Onto the feet thing.  While trying to figure out the hair thing, I learned that in a study, 59% of autistic subjects were found to have a space between their big toe and the next toe.  This is called a sandal gap toe.  

I have this.  

My sandal gap toes + the rash-that-ended
up being a DVT

My sandal gap toes in their usual
winter glory. 

I didn't read the whole study....just read about it on a medical blog and a parent blog.  

In the latter, Laila Zain talks about her son being able to pick things up with his feet.  I used to do this.  I remember being at a friend's house when I was a child, and her Dad was amused/impressed.  I think I thought it was more about desire than ability.  I still don't know if that's the case.  Do other people not pick up things with their feet simply because they can't?

Please let me know if you have normal toes and pick up things with your feet.  

So....

Last night, after reading this, I became hyper-focused on feet.  I Googled while watching the final season of Ozark. 

After Ozark, I Googled images of celebrity feet and looked through my Google photos to try to see the feet of my family members and some friends.  

Hopefully feet won't be my next special-interest.

It would be somewhat tragic if this blog went from being about Australia to being a foot blog.  I might get more traffic, though.  

The other thing I feel compelled to confess is that I realized that through the years, I've taken a LOT of photos of my own feet.  It's definitely more because of medical intrigue and not because I have attractive feet.  

Before starting this post, I had considered making this a research-type post. I'd read more about WHY autistic people might have these weird toes.  But this is long enough.  If I do end up with a special interest in foots, maybe that will be a future post idea.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online  

 

Beware of the Neurotypical Ableist

It might NOT be the same people.

But it seems like it's the same people.....

The ones who anger over the use of the word narcissism or narcissist outside of official clinical conversation (because it's incredibly hurtful to people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder) are the same people who throw around the word neurotypical as if it applies to some kind of awful, cruel, unsympathetic person that could never understand how difficult it is to be neurodivergent.  

There's a so-called neurodivergent umbrella that holds a lot of people underneath it.  

Listed under this umbrella: ADHD, ASPD, DID, OSDD, BPD, NPD, Dyslexia, CPTSD, Dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder, Dyscalculia, PTSD, dysgraphia, bipolar, autism, epilepsy, OCD, ABI, tic disorders, schizophrenia, misophonia, hpd, down syndrome, and synthesia.   

How many people do not fall under the umbrella?

I'm not just talking about people officially diagnosed or even self-diagnosed.

How about all the people who have the traits but just never really consider attributing the condition or disorder to themselves? Or maybe they considered it briefly and then moved on to think about other things....because they're just not really that interested in psychology.  

How many people would fall under the umbrella if they stopped masking?

Neurotypical might not always be about BEING neurotypical. It might be about WANTING to be neurotypical and clinging to that mask.  

There's a part of me that believes there is no such thing as a neurotypical person. Another part of me argues with that and says...well, there probably are a few people who don't fit under the umbrella,

But if there's only a few, how would that be typical?  

I think it's much more likely that most (or all) of us are neurodivergent. And I'd probably vote to change the word neurotypical to neuro-expected. There is a certain way society expects us to feel and act...and there is variation to how much each of us values those expectations, how much each of us follows those expectations, and how much each of us struggles to follow those expectations.  

Circling back to the narcissist thing. It's this feeling I get from some people online that someone diagnosed (professionally or self) with NPD is deserving of more compassion and consideration than someone who hasn't yet undiagnosed or unidentified themselves with the shameful condition of being neurotypical.  

I've come to hate the word ableist.

No. That's not right.

That implies I liked the word and then grew to hate it.

I don't think I've ever liked it. But with my diagnosis adventures this year, I've tried to be okay with it.  Because it's very often used in the autism community.  

I think I could grow to like the word if it was used to apply to all of us.  

My guess is if you got into a deep conversation with most people using that word, they would agree that disabled people too can be ableist. 

BUT...I think it's seen more as a common affliction of the abled that in rare cases can also afflict the disabled.  Kind of like insulin malfunction belongs to diabetics but some of us non-diabetics sometimes have a bit of a problem with it.  

The question I have is who is disabled and who is not disabled?

I think a lot of people who have parked themselves under the neurodivergent umbrella would count themselves as disabled. And then if it's disabilities in general, we have to widen the umbrella to include ALS, diabetes, chronic fatigue syndrome, asthma, heart disease, blindness, deafness, autoimmune conditions, Cystic Fibrosis, cancer, chronic skin conditions, gout, diabetes, mobility disorders, Meniere's disease, POTS, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Multiple Sclerosis, addiction disorders, migraines, lyme disease, Parkinson's Disease.  

How many people do not have one of the above or one that I've forgotten? And we can't exclude all the people who struggle with these disorders but haven't gotten a diagnosis. Or how about the people with very rare conditions that don't have a name yet?  

I witnessed an argument on Twitter between two people about whether it's ever okay to make jokes about disability.  Person A said yes it's okay. Person B said it was not okay.

At one point, person B angrily said something like, I am here as a disabled person telling you it's not okay to joke about disability, and that it hurts me, and you're still having the nerve to disagree with me.

I then joined the conversation and asked Person A whether they have any disease, disorder, or condition that makes life more challenging for them.... whether diagnosed or undiagnosed.

Person A answered yes.

Why did person B assume that she was the only one with a disability in the conversation? Was it because it allowed her to believe that her opinion about humor was more valid? Would she have felt equally comfortable debating someone who also was open about having a diagnosis?

Circling back AGAIN to narcissism. 

I saw an argument today that it's not okay to use the word narcissist or narcissism outside of psychiatry, because the word originated from psychiatry.  Or something like that.

Even if it did originate from psychiatry, within psychiatry it exists outside the disorder. Some psychiatrists have seen it as something that exists in all of us to various degrees.  

Language is constantly evolving. (What used to be what we did to to Poodles to make them look stylish is now what Disney World is doing to children by no longer saying "Girls and Boys" during shows)

Maybe the people holding up that neurodivergent umbrella will be the winners when it comes to the word narcissism. Maybe it will get to the point where it's universally offensive to use the word narcissist or narcissism outside describing someone struggling with NPD.  

I hope, though, that it doesn't turn out that way. I hope that the majority of society will accept the use of the word narcissism whether it's to describe a healthy elevated self-esteem, an annoyingly elevated self-esteem, a harmful-to-others elevated level of self-esteem, or someone who struggles with a personality disorder.  

Shit, though. I'm picturing a day where people cry ableism if you say something like....

I'm so anxious about going back to school.

Excuse me! That's very ableist. It's offensive to people who suffer from anxiety disorder.

OR....

I totally panicked when I thought I had forgotten my dad's birthday.

Excuse me. That's very ableist. It's offensive to people who suffer from panic attacks.

I'm so depressed, because my best friend is no longer speaking to me.

Excuse me. What you mean is you're sad. You're being ableist to people who suffer from depression.

I was so obsessed with Australia.

Excuse me. That's very ableist. You're minimizing the experience of people who struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder.  

But see with that last one, I have been diagnosed with OCD!  For me, it's quite possible to see the word obsession as part of something I struggle with while also being able to accept the word in a non-clinical context.  

P.S-I'm going to stop with my rigid rule of including a photo in every post, because it's probably actually the thing that has been causing my blogging-block. Also, I thought I was being cute by posting totally unrelated photos. But I've looked back at those posts...and I'm cringing more at it than self-adoring.  

P.S (2)- I'm not really up to arguing about any of this, so I'll probably not respond to angry-disagreement. Though I will appreciate you helping me with my algorithm. If you don't want to help someone who has angered you so much, I suggest you not leave a comment and instead suggest you say your piece on your own blog...or whatever platform you have.   

P.S (3)- If you are diagnosed (self or professionally) with NPD and are an example of what I heard about today...people with NPD that are not abusive. If you have lived-experience in this and have a blog or have written in some type of platform, I'd be interested in gaining more insight into your feelings and experiences. If you'd like to leave a link in comments, I'll take a look. I can't say you'll change my opinion above. But I can't say for sure that you won't.  And I really don't want to be the type of person who absolutely refuses to even entertain an opposing viewpoint.   

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Sensory Issues

I wake up, because of my bladder.

I get up and go to the bathroom.

Then I can't go back to sleep.

My underpants are too uncomfortable.

Sometimes even soft, lovely, easygoing clothes are too uncomfortable.

Sleeping on my back makes my clothes feel extra uncomfortable.  But I need to wear my noise-canceling headphones, because Tim is snoring.  I can't sleep on my side with my headphones on.

I think about how I can't solve my problems by closing the blinds and just being naked all the time. Because if I didn't have clothes, I'd be feeling the blankets or the furniture on my skin.

I'd have to stand all the time.  But I hate standing.

And also....

I'd feel the carpet on my feet or the dust on the floor.  Often I can tolerate those feelings. But sometimes I hate it.

I think about how, in the past, I would have these horrible hard-to-explain feelings of extreme discomfort.  I had thought maybe they were connected to my myoclonus...my abnormal brain waves, etc.  I start to wonder if I had been wrong and that maybe these were/are moments of extreme sensory intolerance.  Maybe even just being alive in human skin is sometimes extremely uncomfortable.  

Feeling all this and thinking about this makes me feel unhappy and hopeless. Tortured.

I remind myself that I don't always feel this way.  

Yes, my dry hands often bother me, and I keep having to put on lotion through the day....and also periodically during the night.

Yes. I am bothered a bit by my clothes...even when they are soft, lovely, easygoing clothes.

Yes, I am bothered by the fan making me too cold.

Or the fan-not-being-on-high-enough making me too hot.

Or the carpet rubbing against my toes.

Or my blanket feeling tight on my neck.  

Or my bladder feeling full even though I peed like thirty minutes ago. 

But when I'm busy, I can often ignore these feelings. 

And despite various discomforts, I do manage to often fall asleep.  And though it's not always easy for me to stay asleep (because of bladder, hungry cats, snoring, etc), I do often manage to get back to sleep.

Still, though....

Tonight I feel shitty.  

The blanket that failed to comfort me
earlier tonight, but usually I love it.
And though Annie wakes me up too much,
she usually brings me a ton of warmth
and comfort when she lies next to me.

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

What They Said About Me in the 1970's

A few months ago, in my quest to figure out if I'm autistic...and to help quell the imposter syndrome

plaguing me, I asked my parents if they had any of my old therapy files.

They were nice enough to let me dig into their old file cabinets. I found some old report cards and my physical/occupational therapy reports from John Muir Elementary School in Madison Wisconsin. 

I took them home with me and read them.

Now I've decided to type them up here.  

One of the reasons: During our house disaster and decluttering, there was a point where I thought I had lost my big envelope of my medical records which includes all my neurology stuff—the MRI report, the MRI DVD, the EEG reports, the few seconds of EEG snapshots, etc.

I was upset about this but what helped me be less upset is I knew I had copied the info onto my blog.  And I actually referred to my blog when filling out some of my autism-diagnosis info.

Another Reason:  I think one of my special interests is actually myself...my past-self.  I saw an autism meme the other day on Instagram that said something about autistic people not-being-self-centered. We're interest-centered.  

BUT......what if your interest is you?  

Well, I think some of us are VERY self-reflective.  I think being self-reflective is fine, really.  I think that's different than being selfish.

Shit.

I was about to say it's not selfish to be self-reflective. It's selfish to expect other people to be interested in you.  And then I remembered I'm writing all this on a blog...and I plan to type out all my therapy info.

Uh.....

Maybe it's okay to HOPE that SOME people out there are interested.  And that's different than expecting everyone to be interested.

Most people will probably be bored and disinterested in what I copy below. But maybe other people going through an autism diagnosis or dyspraxia diagnosis...or whatever diagnosis might find it interesting.  Or...maybe parents of children diagnosed or not yet diagnosed?  Maybe therapists who are really into their field?

Anyway....I'll shut up and get with the records.  

Like with my diary posts, I'm going to use green font for the ancient stuff, and my comments will be in regular-black font. 

Adina was referred for Occupational/Physical Therapy evaluation by the classroom teacher Barb Grooms on 10/23/78, because the parents stated that a physician in St. Louis had recommended therapy in the past.  These records were not available to us, but the results of our evaluation show the following:

THE parents?  That kind of sounds...rude?  

I've been very bad at keeping up with my medical records.  I've changed doctors many times and have usually not had the records forwarded.  It seems maybe I inherited this habit from my parents. Or... THE parents (AKA Laurie Robertd and  Leonard Roberts) 

I'm Googling my old kindergarten teacher....not having much luck.  I assume she is no longer of the living, though.  I think she was quite elderly back in 1970.  Though...sometimes those who seemed elderly when we were young were actually only in their forties or fifties.  My mom and dad would have been around 30/29 in 1978, so someone in their forties might have seemed quite old to me.

Fine Motor Perceptual Motor:

Adina was given the Beery Buktenica Test of Visual Motor Integration and scored 4-9 age equivalents. She was also given the Frostig Test of Visual Perception and her scores varied from 4-9 age equivalents to 7-0 age equivalents.  The low scores were in areas that had a very high motor component.

Test scores:

Eye-Hand Coordination: 4-9 age equivalent

Figure Ground 4-9 age equivalent

Form Constancy 7-0 Age equivalent

Position in Space 5 age equivalent 

Spatial Relations 5-6 age equivalent

Back when I first found these records, and again today, I tried to figure out what those scores meant.  I had no luck.  

Her fine motor skills were somewhat delayed.  She has "total pattern" type grasp when printing, has a weak grip, and motions are shoulder directed rather than using the fine movements of her hand.

Ah!  This is an issue for me when I play Mario Kart.  I start using my whole body and do really awful.  I have to force myself to not do that...and then I play okay.  

Her right hand is more coordinated than her left and her fine motor coordination decreased with bilateral activity.  She also switches hands during activities like cutting.  When resistance is added to any fine motor activity, she has a mild tremor which appears to be due to weakness.

The tremor really got my attention. I have a tremor and wasn't sure when it began.  I remember it bothering me in college but didn't know if I had it before.

So...maybe I had it all the way back in early childhood.

Two doctors in my adult life have labeled it an essential tremor.  It could be the early childhood one was due to weakness and what I have now is totally separate.  Or it could be that the tremor back then was the same tremor I have now, and they mistook it for weakness.  I mean not that I doubt the weakness-part. But maybe the tremor wasn't caused by the weakness.  

She performs most fine motor activity very slowly and needed reassurance that she is doing a good job.

As I still have the tremor, I also still have the need for reassurance.

Her preschool kindergarten skills are adequate but somewhat delayed for a 6-year-old.  She is able to dress herself and tie but does not have the strength in her hands to tie a bow on her shoe that holds. Her self portrait is somewhat immature. On the Early Childhood Fine Motor Checklist, she scored within the 5 year range on most activities.  

I'm guessing with that, the 5 year literally means 5 years.  

Gross Motor: Adina is able to complete most 5-6 year level gross motor skills on the Gross Motor Checklist. She has some difficulty with skills that require quick movements, balance, and motor planning. She does not throw or catch a ball smoothly or to turn a summersault but she is able to do good sit-ups, push-ups, wheelbarrows, squat to stand, jumping, and hopping.  There was a minimal amount of scapular winging with some of these activities. Adina seems to lack confidence in her abilities and needed reassurance. This may have also affected the quality of her performance.

Range of motion, muscle strength, balance reactions and gait are good.  One exception to this is a mild amount of shoulder girdle weakness (which causes the winging of the scapula) On one exception, there was evidence of an Asymmetrical Tonic Neck reflex present. Adina has mildly hypotonic muscle tone.

Six-year-old Adina had a weak shoulder.  48-year-old Dina has a very painful shoulder.  I injured it in July in a public bathroom. And now I think it's evolved into the frozen shoulder thing.  It's hard for me to do simple things like put on a bra, shave under my arms, cut my hair, etc.

This neurology company says that an ATN neck reflex past infancy is connected to dyslexia.  

I wouldn't be surprised if I'm dyslexic too.

From what I see of descriptions, tests, etc....a lot of these diagnoses can overlap. It seems like what is sometimes shown as being part of autism is other times labeled as a comorbidity of autism.

It's confusing and hard to explain.

I guess it's like one professional might label me as having autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, etc.  Then another might feel that only one of those labels is needed.

I just Googled Asymmetrical Tonic Neck Reflex and Autism; found this website  It talks about sample Asperger kiddos with a delay in getting rid of their reflex; then concludes:  This leads us to believe that one abnormality that can be seen in infancy in autism and in the Asperger’s syndrome is excessively long persistence of some reflexes that should have been inhibited earlier in the child’s development. 

Continuing with the therapy-report....

Although Adina shows some delay we feel that these problems are not severe because she has learned to accommodate for some of the deficits.  

I feel that self-accommodation has been a running theme through-out my life.  For example, instead of going to the doctor for my shoulder, I am figuring out alternate ways of putting on a bra.

We do feel, however, that the delays are significant enough to work on during the remainder of her kindergarten program. It has been our experience that children who show these minimal delays and do not have the opportunity to play "catch up" in kindergarten class often experience difficulty with the academic/motor skills required in first grade. We therefore recommend that Adina be seen on a regular basis in therapy for the rest of the school year. Adina appears to lack self-confidence and needs frequent reassurance. She often says "I'm bad", "I can't" or Did I do it right?"

Yeah. That makes me kind of sad.  For me.

Forty-two years later, the self-esteem issues haven't gotten much better.  

I shall continue with the reports in later posts.....

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

You Totally Deserve It But I Still Feel Bad For You

Tim and I were chatting this morning, and the conversation led me to a realization.

I mentioned an article that I read in which a man made the wrong choices, used his platform to promote those choice, got sick, regretted their choices, and then died.  I said I felt no sympathy for him.   

But then I realized it wasn't true.

I DO feel some sympathy for him.

But...at the same time, I don't regret what happened to him. I feel he totally deserves what happened to him, and I'm glad Karma showed a strong display of her power.

I think I've been confused all my life, because I've had these two seemingly conflicting feelings.  A) feeling sympathy for someone B) Feeling satisfied when Karma kicks someone's ass. 

But now I'm going to try to be okay with having both these feelings. I'm going to try to be okay with the sympathy feelings and not worry about being too soft or weak. I'm going to be okay with my I-love-Karma feelings and not worry that I'm an evil, cold-hearted villain.

I am okay with bad things happening to people who make bad choices especially if they are awful about it.  The example I gave Tim is someone smoking and being obnoxious about it.  They purposely smoke in people's faces. They break non-smoking rules. They're combative about it.  They encouraged and led other people to start smoking.  If a person like this gets lung cancer, I will feel sympathy for their physical and emotional pain.  But I won't think it's wrong that this happened to them.  

It's not only about people making the wrong health/safety choices.  Sometimes it's about someone saying something that is hurtful towards me—insulting, rude, judgmental, ignorant, etc.  Or they acted in a way that was hurtful.  When Karma seems to respond by giving them a little pinch...or a big pinch, I'm okay with being okay with Karma's doings.  But I'm also okay with feeling sympathy and concern for the person. And I'm okay with going back and forth between feeling: I want to be there for this person and support them and: this person was shit towards me when I was going through something similar, so why should I be there for them?  

I was looking through my photos
to find one that might fit with the post. I
decided to use one of my test result screenshots.
My plan was to jokingly say that
in case you read my post
and think I'm evil, this test proves you wrong.
(I picked this one sort of randomly)
But then I realized the result for
this particular test is super-fitting. 
I actually made an Arya-type list
a few months ago.
I didn't plan to actually kill anyone.
It was more like a
wish list.  
Oh. Okay. I found the list.
I made it last October and 
it's actually called 
"My Arya List" 
They're all political figures, btw.
As my dad would probably see it:
a display of my "Trump Derangement Syndrome"
Just as I'm super proud of my probable autism "disorder"
I'm also very proud of having a strong case of TDS

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Reasons For Me NOT to Get an Autism Diagnosis

I've been struggling to decide if I will someday pursue getting an official diagnosis of autism.  At this point, I'm leaning towards no.  This post shall go over the reasons swimming around in my brain for such a decision.  

1. It's way too expensive.  From what I've seen, it costs around $2000-$3000 dollars.  

At a place I know of in Dallas, base rate for a general evaluation for adults is $2500.  That looks at various psychological things. And then autism is an add-on for $500.  So that's $3000.

I have found only one therapist who does autism testing for adults in Fort Worth (where I live).  Their website doesn't provide the fee for testing. But they do say that the therapist, who does the testing, has a $200 per hour fee. I guess I could talk really fast and get a better price that way.

The cost of a diagnosis is not out of our financial range. We would not have to sacrifice housing, medication, meals, electricity, etc.  

But there are other fun things we could buy or do with $3000, such as a virtual reality set, Disney tickets, plane tickets to an international destination, more cat scratching towers.....

Counterargument: I don't have ANY decent counterarguments against using the money for travel adventures instead. But I do see some validity in supporting the career of someone who worked hard to become a psychologist or psychiatrist. Then maybe SHE can buy Disney tickets for her family.  

2.  If I seek a diagnosis, I feel I'm very much playing into the mindset of autism being pathological—a disease, disorder, etc.  

Homosexuality is no longer in the DSM.  

I would like autism to go down a similar path. 

That's not to say autistic people don't need extra support. But a lot of that need is related to societal prejudices and rigid definitions of what kind of minds and behaviors are acceptable.  

Being gay is not a pathology. It's not a disease or disorder. But gay people do need special support. And what does that support look like? Well, a big thing is society letting go of the notion that marriage must be only between people of the opposite gender.  

Acceptance to the point of changing customs, laws, and expectations is a huge form of support.  

I hope for a future where parents don't look out for red flags; then, in tears, rush their child to their pediatrician. Instead they chat casually at playgroup.  Hey, my child is really into lining up her car toys, and she refuses to eat any food covered in sauce. I think she's autistic!  And then another mom replies. Oh, that's so cute!  My kid is autistic too!  

And I know not all autism is easy, casual, or only slightly challenging.

A child might have dangerous stims such as banging their head against the wall or picking at their skin until it bleeds. They might have huge meltdowns.  But maybe instead of getting a diagnosis and treatment for autism, they simply get help for those specific problems.  

Autism does have many comorbidities—epilepsy, eating disorders, OCD, anxiety, depression, gastro-issues, sleep disorders.

But you know what else has comorbidities? Being an Ashkenazi Jew,  But we don't go to a doctor to get diagnosed as Jewish.   

Let's say the kid who lines up the cars begins to have huge meltdowns. The mother wouldn't go to a psychologist to get a diagnosis. She would already know her child is autistic, because A) she can read and do research on what being autistic entails B) She knows her child more than anyone.

So, she goes to the therapist not for a diagnosis but to seek out advice and help for her child.  

I think we need to stop relying on professionals to tell us who we are and/or what we're feeling.  Instead I think going to professionals  should be more about getting help in working through our struggles.   

Counterargument: The future I hope for may never happen or if it does happen, it will probably be decades from now.  I think diagnosism is going to stay very relevant, unfortunately. 

I have felt very invalidated through out my life—about my feelings, about my health problems, about my mental health issues, about my singing, my writing, interpersonal issues, etc.  Being undiagnosed in a world where getting a diagnosis is an important prerequisite to getting understanding, compassion, and validation sometimes seems too hard for me to handle.

Counter-counter-argument: I WAS officially diagnosed with a DVT and the response I've gotten from most people about that seemed to be pretty much disinterest, indifference, and covert attempts at shaming.  So...... 

 3. Getting a diagnosis won't rid me of my imposter syndrome.

When I first started writing about autism in April, I imagined I might be the first person to see imposter syndrome as something that could happen with something like autism rather than a career-related situation.

It turns out I was very wrong. Imposter syndrome is a subject that is often mentioned in the autistic community.

And from what I've seen from autistic influencers who are professionally diagnosed, getting the diagnosis does not fully cure people of imposter syndrome.  Even without hearing their personal experiences, though, I think I'd still have my doubts.  

I don't have full faith in doctors and/or psychologists.  

I think my imposter syndrome would go like this: Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not autistic. No! I am autistic. The psychologist said so!  But...what if she's wrong?  Or what if she's just made a career of giving people the labels they desire for themselves?  

Counterargument: Even if my imposter syndrome isn't cured with a diagnosis, it might lessen it a bit.  And even a small reduction in those feelings might be really nice.

Counter-counter argument: There's the chance that the psychologist says I'm NOT autistic which will greatly increase the imposter syndrome.  

4. I hate appointments 

I haven't gone to a hair appointment in about 17 years.

I went many years without going to the dentist.  I finally started up again after my tooth broke. I did a year or two of being good about doing dental appointments. Then I quit again.

It took me ten months to finally go to a neurologist for my myoclonus symptoms. And that led eventually to a huge horrible mess.  I didn't end the story with a feeling of, wow. I'm so glad I got help for that!

I don't like the dread I feel after making the appointment, and I don't like the one on one interaction of having an appointment.

I had grand plans for this summer. I was going to go to the doctor to get referrals for a dermatologist and psychologist/psychiatrist.  

I kept putting it off and then I decided I just don't want to do it.  

Counterarguments: Avoiding appointments is probably not a very healthy choice and probably something I need to work through.  Though I am pretty okay at cutting my own hair. 

5. I will imagine the therapist doesn't like me

I tend to feel very judged by people. That probably explains the above issue of not liking one on one interactions.

I often feel anxious with worries of being perceived as mentally unhealthy, unlikeable, creepy, a pariah, an attention-seeker, a bad person, etc.   

I did online therapy a few months ago and worried I was writing too much; taking too much of the therapist's time; that my problems were ridiculous to him, etc.  As I wrote in this post, some of these feelings come from projecting my own self-esteem issues onto others.  

Counterargument: It's likely that a lot of my self-esteem issues are related to my autistic traits. And it could turn out that the therapist's mindset is more in line with a neurodiversity view of autism than a pathological/medical viewpoint.  Instead of viewing me as a "very off" neurotypical person, she might view me as a cool autistic person.  There's a chance she might not only give me the gift of a diagnosis but also provide me with inspiration, advice, compassion, etc...various things that might help me with my self-esteem.

Counter-counter argument: It seems just as likely to me that the therapist will be the type who A) thinks I'm not Sheldon Cooper or Shaun Murphy enough to be diagnosed with autism.  B) Sees all my autistic traits as something that needs to be overcome. 

6. I will be all messed up and confused about my behavior. 

Am I taking off the (neurotypical) mask or am I putting on a mask?  In most situations I probably try hard to appear "normal" especially if I feel I'm going to be judged. But in this case, do I try to NOT try to appear normal?  

I've heard multiple stories of people being denied diagnosis, because they were able to make eye contact. Should I then avoid eye contact? 

No, because if I fake any symptom and end up with a diagnosis....that's really not going to do well for my imposter syndrome.  

But then what if I end up making extra eye contact just to overcompensate for these confusing feelings?

I also can totally imagine that I would be hyper-aware of any stimming I end up doing and then question whether I'm doing it subconsciously on purpose. Okay. Yeah. That's a contradiction.  I know.  What I mean is: my subconscious might be doing it for wanting-to-be-autistic reasons.

One day I was in the kitchen and suddenly noticed I was flapping/shaking my hands. It felt so normal and natural to me. But I had no idea if it's something I've always done and not noticed. Or if by reading so much about autism, I subconsciously picked it up.

I'm now realizing it might be something I've done when my hands are wet or I have crumbs or food on my hands.  A couple of years ago, Tim saw me shaking my hands and thought my neurological symptoms had worsened and became more noticeable.  But no...it was more of a habit thing.

One thing I've realized with habit kind of movements/stimming vs involuntary movements is that with the latter I very much notice it.  

I definitely notice immediately when my toe twitches and then both my arms jump.  But it took me awhile to notice that while writing this I've been scratching my right foot with my left toenail. I probably wouldn't have noticed it, at all, if I hadn't been writing about stims.  

Counter Argument: If I go to the appointment, it might be entertaining to my future self (and other readers) to read about all these messed up feelings I end up having during the actual appointment. 

I mean...looking at the bright side, my neurologist nightmare provided me with material for several blog posts.  

7. I feel it is unfair to people who can't afford the diagnosis and despite my best intentions, I might end up seeing my autism as more valid than those who are self-diagnosed.  

People in the autism community tend to say that self-diagnosis is valid. Though then they say and do things that make me feel they don't completely mean that. For example....they might not start their journey as an autistic influencer UNTIL they've gotten that official stamp.  

Though I feel people shouldn't wear their diagnosis as a badge. Though I feel we should stop this mentality of diagnosism when it comes to mental illness or neurological differences....I think if I get a diagnosis, I might go astray from those values.  

Counterargument: I can get a diagnosis but make it a point to stay true to the values that I value. I can make sure to remind myself of the financial and racial barriers to getting a diagnosis. I can also remember how I felt as an undiagnosed person, etc.  

8. Getting a diagnosis will be time consuming.  

I am blessed with more disposable free time than most people.  But I have a huge to-watch list, and I'm really into Minecraft lately.  

Counterargument: Is there one?  I'm trying to build a city in Minecraft with multiple skyscrapers. And this is on survival mode, normal and NOT with a flat world seed.

Architecture is not one of my talents, actually. 

 

Update (3/1/21)  After (despite) saying all the above....I am now pursuing an Autism diagnosis via an autistic therapist in Canada.  We shall see how that goes.  I love the idea of being diagnosed by someone who is professionally qualified and ALSO autistic herself.  I also like that the process involves an initial screening.  If they don't think you're autistic (which will yes be devastating to me), you don't need to go through the second part which is more intensive and expensive.  So I can be devastated and have identity confusion, BUT at the same time, I will feel like I'm saying money.  Maybe I'll use that money to buy myself oh-shit-I'm-not-autistic presents.  

Reading my novel: The Dead are Online 

A Way to Describe My Visualizations

I thought of a way to sort of describe my visualizations (or lack of).

It might be like if you put your phone on the darkest setting; then imagine looking at a picture of something in a not-well-lit room.  AND...you see the image for only about 1/10 of a second.

So...if someone tells me to picture a certain person and I can manage to remember what they look like (because sometimes I can't) this is what it will be like for me.  A very quick dark flash. I can't sustain it enough to notice details.  

When I have random (unchosen) memories of an image...it might linger for a bit longer. Or...well...it's stronger in some way.  I'm not sure how to describe it.  

One night, some decades ago, I "fearlessly" looked at a photo of Zelda from Pet Sematary and then I was haunted by the image most of the night. It was a long time ago, and I can't remember how vivid the image was. But it was strong enough to torment me.  

I don't think my aphantasia is about not being able to visualize. I think it's about my CONSCIOUS brain not being able to do it.  My subconscious seems quite adept at doing it....especially when it's in full control (as in I'm asleep, dreaming).

So...back to my conscious abilities (or lack of). 

In February, we stayed with my parents. They asked which of the guest rooms we had chosen. I couldn't answer them at first, and they found this funny.  For me, I was thinking that they had expected me to notice and care about the room decor and therefore remember it.  But for them, they might have been expecting me to pull up the image whether I had consciously took note of it or not. 

If I remember correctly, they asked me about the colors in the room.  I had no earthly idea.

I was able to eventually tell them that the room faced the backyard. It's not that I could bring up a great, clear image of the backyard.  But I had noticed it, and I did remember that.  

I can't picture the room right now...except in a super dark, vague, way.  But I can answer some questions about the room, not really from visual memory but from knowledge memory.  I know there's a king size bed. I know that there's a large picture of my sister on the bedside table.  I know the carpet is a yellowish color....because I expected it to do well at hiding cat vomit. 

I know the bed has a ton of pillows.

I know there's a small round table, because I left my little plant on it and then forgot to take it with us when we left. (though we finally remembered to get it, and it's hanging out with new buddies in the town house).  

Thankfully I can also use photographs to
help me remember what a room looks like.

All of this aphantasia stuff is making me think that when we say things about putting ourselves in other people's shoes, we really don't put a lot of effort into it.  Because if we did, the concept of aphantasia wouldn't be so shocking to so many of us.  We would have already wondered about and questioned other people's experiences.  Instead so many of us assume that other people are experiencing what we experience.  

It can also be applied to pain. We tend to assume if someone makes a bigger fuss about their physical ailments than other people with the same ailments that these bigger complainers are less courageous, less stoic, etc.  But it could be that they actually feel things differently than us.   

Well, and it can go the other way as well. Some people might feel LESS pain than what is typical for their ailment. So we might assume they're in less dire need of medical attention.  And this could be very dangerous.  

 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online

A Bunch of Thoughts About Autism and Ableism

A few days ago, I learned that this month is Autism Awareness Month and ever since, I've been obsessing about it.

I have so many thoughts and feelings about the whole thing.  I'm not sure how to organize them.  

But I'm going to try. 

First I'll say that I THINK I am autistic. I've thought that for a pretty long time. I mean not decades. I didn't see Rain Man and think, Oh! I think I'm autistic too!

I remember that when I was a preschool teacher, I had some extra love, interest, and compassion for kids who were either labeled as autistic or seemed to be autistic.  I do think I realized I could relate to them in some way, but I'm not sure that I was considering labeling myself as autistic. 

There was a time between then and now where I had negative feelings about autism/aspergers. 

Fortunately I got over those feelings.

So....

Trying to put my thoughts together here.

I think I'm just going to list some feelings/ideas/thoughts.  OR....number them at least.

1. I get very offended and angry when people show sympathy towards someone regarding an autism diagnosis or when they learn someone has autism and they mention it in a gossipy/sympathetic way.  

2. I get annoyed when there's a post online giving major kudus to a popular kid and/or athlete for spending time with an autistic kid.  I really want to write something like Oh look at that very awesome autistic kid being compassionate enough to spend some time with that neurotypical person.

People get so much applause if they get caught on video accommodating an autistic person. But how many times, do we applaud autistic people for accommodating neurotypical people? 

3. I've only heard of imposter syndrome in terms of career and talents. But I think it can exist with disabilities, diseases, disorders, etc.  Well, I think this because I have it. I've had imposter syndrome with my eating disorder. I have it regarding my seizures...or whatever the hell is happening to my brain.  I have it with autism. Even though there are so many nice people in the autism community saying that self-diagnosis is valid with autism, I still feel insecure.  

A lot of autistic people on social media label themselves as autistic and use the hashtag Actually Autistic. I tell myself that I don't do this, because I'm less into it than them. Or that even though I'm totally cool with being autistic, it's not such a big deal that I want it to be one of my main defining features on Twitter and Instagram.  But if I'm honest with myself....If I actually got diagnosed by a professional, maybe I'd have the confidence to use the hashtag.

This week, I did consider seeking out a diagnosis. But I'm not sure if it's worth the money or time to do it just so I can have some extra validation. If it would give me 100% validation, maybe it would be worth it. I think, though, that even then I'd question it. 

And what if a psychologist or psychiatrist thought I was NOT autistic. Would I accept their verdict? Or would I seek out an expert that would give me the answer I wanted?

4. And now my feelings of ableism. It's complex. 

First of all, I've been victimized by it, and I have a lot of anger over it. 

The one that comes to the top of my head is some random stranger coming to my blog and being very combative regarding my obsession with Australia. And it wasn't the first time that someone has let me know that they think something is wrong with me...that having obsessions isn't normal/healthy/okay.  

Okay but here is where I have issues with the concept of ableism.  Who the hell are the ableists???? 

I've learned this week that there's a term used in the autistic community. Allistic. This is the label used for people who are NOT autistic. 

Many people with autism do a thing called masking. I'm not sure that I have this trait. But other autistic people complain about how they hide their autistic traits to fit in better among neurotypicals. 

So....

What if some of these so-called allistics are undiagonosed autistic people who have been masking so long that we and/or they don't realize they're autistic?

I feel like there's an us vs them attitude in the autism community. And I really don't know if the line between the two groups is that clear.

I'm not going to fall in the trap of saying, Maybe we're ALL a little autistic.

No. We're not.

But....

Even people who do not have enough traits to qualify as autistic may have some traits in common with autistic people. And even if they don't have autistic traits, they may have their own issues and quirks. 

Today I saw a post on Instagram advising allistic people on how to show understanding and compassion to an autistic person that's having a meltdown.  

That's cool and all, but what if an allistic person has an issue with THEIR brain that makes it difficult for them to handle another person's meltdown?

What if your meltdown makes me meltdown?

Back to my question above.

WHO are the ableists?

Who are these mythical people who have no physical or mental challenges or differences?

We have fourteen people in our DFW family.  I wouldn't count any of them as being "able". Divided among us we have diabetes, epilepsy, scoliosis, high blood pressure, anxiety, phobias, tics, diagnosed autism, probable autism, probable ADHD, gout, cancer, constipation, high cholesterol, COPD, tachycardia, DVT, cancer, kyphosis, traumatic brain injury, vision issues, restless leg syndrome, overactive bladder, speech issues, language processing issues, migraines, tinnitus, IBS, skin rash issues, tremors, myoclonus....and other things I'm probably forgetting.  

I doubt there's anything unique about my family in this regard. 

I don't think there's anyone out there who who, because of their super duper normal body and mind, could not ever understand what it's like to be disabled.  

I'm okay with the concept of ableism if we agree that EVERYONE is guilty of ableism sometimes...or at least has the potential to be guilty of it.

I think when an autistic person gets angry at an allistic person for ableism, they (we?) need to ask themselves (ourselves)...am I being ableist against the allistic person in someway. Am I not being understanding enough about his anxiety? Am I not being supportive enough regarding his painful migraines? Am I not being sympathetic about her alcoholism? 

Anyway...the other thing I want to do with this post is kind of go over my own history....explain why I think I'm probably autistic.

That being said, some of the lists of autistic traits I've seen are VERY broad. I kind of imagine people getting diagnosed with autism. Then they take every little quirk and decide it might be their autism. They mention it to another person who is professionally or self-diagnosed. They realize they have this trait in common...and that leads to it being seeing as an autistic trait.

Like....

Autistic Person 1: I'm a big fan of a British soap opera!

Autistic Person 2: I am too!

Then next thing you know...liking British soap operas is listed as a symptom of autism.

Anyway here's my list of things that I am sure I've definitely seen  listed as autistic traits and things I think I may have seen listed. 

1. I had fine and large motor issues as a child. I was pulled out of the classroom and seen by special ed teachers. I had physical therapy and occupational therapy. I had handwriting issues. I had problems in PE...did not do well with that physical fitness achievement thing they made you do. What was that called again?  I hated it.  

I couldn't climb the rope. I couldn't do monkey bars. I could never do a cartwheel. I was one of the slowest runners. I was one of the last picked for teams. 

I was late learning to ride a bike.

2. I've always had obsessions...or as other people call them high-interests, special interests, passions, etc.

3. I've always had social problems. I've never been the major outcast, but I've had problems making friends and keeping friends.

I didn't do at all well on job interviews, and I think that was a handicap at times to my career dreams and goals. 

4. I have sensory issues. I've always been a picky eater. I'm VERY picky about clothes. I don't like jeans. I rarely like pants, period. Though sometimes I tolerate very soft pajama pants. I need my skirts and shorts to be elastic...or at worst a draw-string kind of thing.

 I have an aversion to bright lights. LED is hard on me.  I also sometimes have problems with things in my peripheral vision.  LED lights in my peripheral vision really sucks.  

Sometimes I'll be walking down the steps. There will be a little piece of white paper or something on the ground that I see in my peripheral vision. This bothers me at times.

In our temporary housing situation, we haven't put anything on our walls. I realized how much I love this. I love having blank walls.  

I have problems with situations where there is a combination of words and pictures. Although...now that I think of it, I do pretty okay with Instagram.  But I struggle with coffee table books and museums. 

I hate tights and panty-hose.

I hate having dry hands. I have to frequently put lotion on my hands. Well, because of skin/circulation issues I actually physically need tons of lotion in the winter. My hands get horribly dry and chapped.  But even...when my hands are warm and in good physical shape but just a little bit not soft enough....I feel the need for lotion.   

The past year or so, I've been intolerant of having my hair down. I don't like how it feels. So I almost always have it in a ponytail.  Though...not when I sleep.  

5. I have (learned the term today) hyper-empathy. I feel sorry for inanimate objects. Such feelings have led me to spending too much time on Minecraft trying to rescue an animal. I also once lost a koala pincher thing behind a dresser. I stressed out a lot about that. I had to talk myself down from moving the very heavy dresser to rescue it. 

6.  I don't like making eye contact, but I do.

7. I've always been immature. When I was young, I saw a psychologist. She met with me and my parents; told them I was immature. I was SO hurt and offended by that. But now...I'm okay with it.

Looking now at this super long list of female autism traits to jog my brain. I'll just list the ones that really stick out at me and super-apply to me.

8. "Doesn't take things for granted"

9. "Often gets lost in thoughts and checks out"

10. "Experiences trouble with lying"

11. "Escapes routinely through imagination, fantasy, and daydreaming"

12. "Philosophizes, continually"

13. "imitates people on television or in movies"

14. "Mastered imitation"

And now they have a list of comorbidities...including some I mentioned above)

15. OCD (I think I have this but have never been diagnosed)

16. Eating disorder

17."Misdiagnosed or diagnosed with a mental illness"

18. "Experiences multiple physical symptoms, perhaps labeled “hypochondriac”"

19. "Since puberty has had bouts of depression"

20. "Spills intimate details to strangers" (this blog)

21. "Raised hand too much in class or didn’t participate in class".  Sometimes I think there's a bit of the Barnum Effect in this list. But anyway...

22. "Confused by the rules of accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, body stance, and posture in conversation".  

Well...it's not that I'm confused about the rules. It's more that I struggle to follow them. I have a LOT of trouble with my hands and arms...where to put them. When I was watching The Good Doctor I noticed that Shaun (Freddie Highmore) holds his stomach in the same way I often do.  Seeing that made me feel a little better about myself. I guess it made me feel less alone. 

I notice lately that I'm tending to have my hands in the way that people with cerebral palsy tend to have. I have no idea why.  I don't know if it's just a habit I got into or if there's some kind of muscle weakness in my wrist.

23. "Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually"

24. "Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house but at the same time will often harbor guilt for “hibernating” and not doing “what everyone else is doing”. Holy shit. That's someone reading my mind right there.

25. "Dreams are anxiety-ridden, vivid, complex, and/or precognitive in nature"

26. "Highly intuitive to others’ feelings"

27. "Longs to be seen, heard, and understood". Definitely. But I think this may be another Barnum Effect kind of thing.

I think I'm going to start skipping the stuff that is too Barnum Effect. There's quite a bit of it. 

28."Young sounding voice"

29 "has occurrences of slight prosopagnosia (difficulty recognizing or remembering faces)"

30. "Feels significantly younger on the inside than on the outside (perpetually twelve)".  I think most adults probably feel younger on the inside. But...I doubt it's common for people to feel twelve.

31."Remembers exact details about someone’s life".  

32. "Has a remarkable memory for certain details"

And now I'm looking at comorbidities listed by Lord Wiki. 

33. gastro issues.

35. Epilepsy. I have too much imposter syndrome to say I have epilepsy. But I have myoclonus which could be a seizure, and my EEG was abnormal. 

36  I have a daily routine.  I don't usually have a meltdown if the routine is interrupted. But if I have to take many days off from the routine, I look forward to getting back into it. 

Sometimes I get caught up in the excitement around me. This might happen with extended social situations...for example being at the lake house or on a trip with people outside my immediate family. I'm enjoying myself but at the same time feeling out of sorts.  I then push myself to take a break from it all and do some of my quiet, solo routine kind of stuff. Watch one of my TV shows, read a book, do a lesson on Duolingo, etc. Getting back in touch with some aspect of my routine helps to ground me. 

37. (edited to add) I make rules for myself and have a hard time being flexible about breaking them. An illustration of this is that I have a 603 day streak on Duolingo.

Some of the rules, though are...just stupid and not really helpful.

An example is with my TV watching. (note: Most people will probably want to skip the next few paragraphs. I highly suggest doing so) 

A few weeks ago, I learned that Amazon Prime has old episodes of Coronation Street.  I was pretty excited about that. My parents watched a few episodes with me when we were staying at their house. 

My problem was finding a way to watch old episodes after I left their house.

My rule has been that I can watch one episode of CURRENT Coronation Street a day. If I miss a day, I may not catch up by watching more than one episode.

I told myself that if I managed to catch up, I can watch an old episode of Coronation Street. How would I catch up? Well, it would have to mean Hulu slows down on posting episodes.

One day I realized that I don't want to have to wait for that to happen. I considered adding old Coronation Street to my To-Watch List. But I had made a rule that I can't have more than 150 things on that list...well, unless (and this too was a hard amendment to pass) Tim and I watch a show, and it turns out that I want to continue it, but he does not. 

My process is that I have a second list on IMDb.  When I finish one of the 151 TV shows or movies, I add the next thing on the IMDb list. Or sometimes when I use Random.org, the show or movie is no longer available, and I use the IMDb list to replace it.  

I considered adding Coronation Street to the IMDb list, but that list is super long...like in the thousands. 

This is where I had to do some self-therapy and convince myself to stretch/break the rules.

I pretty much negotiated with myself. I added Coronation Street as #152.  But I decided that 152 is way too long. So what I decided is that I would bring the list down to 72 by no longer replacing shows and movies on the first (random.org) list with movies and shows from the IMDB list. When I get down to 72, I'll start adding things to the list again.

It was kind of like I made a compromise with myself. Okay. Yes. You can add old Coronation Street IF you promise to shorten the list. 

And yes...I know the above paragraphs are boring, complicated, and hard to follow.  I think most neurotypical people, who see something they want to watch, would simply be like Cool! I want to see that; then they would watch it as soon as they had some spare free time.  

38.  I've not been sure about is the whole stimming thing which apparently is a huge trademark of autism. I don't do a large amount of fidgeting. I bit my nails in my youth and sucked on a ton of pens. I'll shake my leg sometimes. But I don't think I do any more fidgeting than neurotypical people do. 

I do have something I need to do when I'm very stressed, having strong emotions, am overstimulated, etc.  And that's walking  This can be going outside and walking, pacing inside the house, or going up and down steps.  I think this is a need or habit that I have more than typical people.  I'm not sure whether it would count as stimming.

I'm thinking, though, that maybe this is why I have a really hard time on long airplane rides. I'd be better off if my coping mechanism WAS fidgeting.  

Well...now I've just realized as I'm writing all this...which IS kind of stressful...I'm rubbing my fingers back and forth on my lips. So I probably have more fidgeting stimming that I consciously realize.  

I think I bite my lips too. But the only thing that is at an unusual (not neurotypical level) is the walking.  

I want to explain more about my social issues.  I feel in terms of social anxiety...there's often the question of whether you prefer small groups and whether you tend to have a small number of close friends.

Well, I feel I'm the opposite.

I am fine at a big party if everyone is dancing, and I'm among a crowd. What's hard for me is when things become one on one. I'd rather be at a big party with lots of people than go out to lunch with one person...unless it's someone I'm close to. And even then, I'm often anxious.

I'm okay one on one with writing. I might get along great with you through emails or texting...or social media. But things might be totally different when we meet in person.  There are people I've been emailing and texting a lot lately. I get nervous about the idea of one day getting together with them in person.

I'm NOT nervous about meeting new people. I love meeting new people. I love strangers.  I love having short chats with people in line at Disney World. I love connecting with random people. But...if one of them gave any hint of wanting to become friends or meet up again later, I'd get anxious and stressed.

Shit.

Now that I think of it....maybe this is masking. I didn't think I do masking. I thought it was an autistic thing I did NOT relate to.

I can act very outgoing and social. I can wear that mask, and I even enjoy wearing that mask. But when things become more intimate...when it's one on one and/or the time together is stretching out a bit, I struggle to keep the mask on.

That being said, wearing a mask, in that way, is not at all unique to autism.  Who doesn't sometimes struggle but pretend they're not struggling? 

Now I'm asking myself. Okay. If I didn't wear the mask....if I showed my true self at parties or other social events, how would I act?

The answer is I'd be reading, writing, or watching a TV show. I'd be at my niece's Bat Mitzvah reading a book in the corner. Or I'd have my headphones on watching my British soap opera.

There's this idea I'm getting from some autistic people that masking is bad and that autistic people shouldn't have to mask. 

IF my pushing myself to be a bit social at social events is considered harmful masking; then I'd disagree with these people.  

I think some amount of masking is needed by all of us to get by in this world and get along with each other.  And by all of us, I mean everybody; not just autistic people. 

 Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Wednesday Update

We're now halfway through season 3 of Broadchurch. I like it MUCH more than season 2. 

There was one episode of season 2 where I started to believe I was liking season 2, but that soon fizzled.

I liked season 3 from the start.

I vaguely recognized Sarah Parish who plays the best friend of Trish (Julie Hesmondhalgh). I IMDB'd her last night and was reminded that she's from Blackpool!

I was kind of obsessed with Blackpool a few years ago.  And it's kind of what brought me to Doctor Who.

From what I can remember, this is what happened. My interest in Doctor Who was first sparked a bit by a commenter on my blog. He was a fan, and I have a love for people who are passionate about a specific things. I guess, in a way, I'm a fangirl of fanboys/fangirls. 

And when it comes to popular culture, I think I often have this desire to at least try to join the fandom. 

I found two Doctor Who books at a used book thing...maybe at a New York flea market?

I read them and wasn't really impressed. Well...it didn't seem like the type of thing I could love. 

Sometime later, I was into The Walking Dead. David Morrissey led me to watching Blackpool videos on YouTube. In the comments, there was a lot of enthusiasm for David Tennant, and I think that intrigued me. Plus...maybe around the same time, Jack began talking about watching it? 

Last night I rewatched one of my favorite Blackpool videos. 

One of my favorite actors on Blackpool was Georgina Taylor from Coronation Street.

Later I'd end up watching Coronation Street. Georgina Taylor was no longer on the show but eventually she came back, and she plays one of my favorite characters.  

Speaking of Coronation Street and Doctor Who. In an episode of Coronation Street that I watched recently, two the current villains mentioned the Doctor and the TARDIS. That was fun.

Onto other things....

I'm rewarming up to The Fosters.  So much so that...when it was my self-designated time to take a break from the show and watch an episode of Lucifer, I was less excited about Lucifer than I had anticipated. I was eager to get back to The Fosters.  

The Fosters does have a lot of angst, though. And that's fine. But I think it could use a bit more comic relief.  

It's like the characters on Coronation Street have a TON of problems. I mean that street is full of disaster. But they still manage to have a lot of comedy on the show...and the same for Shameless.

I think the character that brings the most lightness The Fosters is Mariana (Cierra Ramirez). She doesn't have less problems than the other kids. But she has more of a spark. Most of the other characters seem pretty melancholy and/or angry most of the time.  

In my book news, I'm reading Leah Remini's Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology.  I'm liking that a lot and feeling that I've not hated enough on Scientology.

I've always been anti-Scientology...enough so that I become somewhat repulsed by actors when I find out they're Scientologists.  

I understood that Scientology is a manipulative cult that drives people away from their money, common sense, family, and friends.

And I heard of stories of abuse. But I often took the stance of....Well, all religions have abusers in their ranks. 

With what Remini describes, though....It's like the child abuse she experienced is baked into the actual Scientology program...rather than just being an outlier kind of thing. 

As a young teen, her family moves to a Scientology hotel or motel in Florida. Remini is made to do housekeeping work for very low wages. That's bad. But worse is that there's a daycare for the babies of overworked parents. And the babies are pretty much neglected. Remini describes babies soaked in their own urine.

Then again...maybe other Scientology centers/churches are less abusive?  Maybe I'm wrong to assume that each Scientology teen's experience matches Remini's. Maybe it would be like assuming that since a lot of kids are molested by priests, ALL Catholic kids are molested by priests.

I've been following the Impeachment trial to some extent. We were actually all watching Avengers: Endgame yesterday afternoon instead of the impeachment.  Though I found the movie enjoyable and interesting, my heart wasn't into it enough to not-multitask. So I was on Twitter and seeing very entertaining Tweets about Trump's lawyers.  I made a comment to Tim and Jack about how we should be watching the Impeachment.  Jack decided he wanted to take a break from the movie anyway.  I turned on the trial...and still stayed on Twitter, because Twitter was more entertaining than the actual trial.

I don't think I've seen such a stream of funny Tweets since the finale of True Blood.

Eventually, I gave up watching and just watched Impeachment comments and clips from Aaron Rupar

Rupar is very good at providing video highlights of various political events.

This morning I read articles and editorials  about the impeachment via The Washington Post.  Later I decided I should at least put some time into watching the actual live event. As luck had it, I tuned in right as Eric Swalwell began his speech. I watched the whole thing, because I like Swalwell.  I'm very glad he talked about how it's not just about a few random Trump Tweets encouraging people to fight and be wild. It's about months and months and Tweets upon Tweets of Trump pushing his supporters to believe the election was stolen from them.

Trump pushed the idea of the election being stolen from him before the election even began.

In other news....

I did a virtual doctor's (well Physician assistant) visit. It felt futuristic in a Horizon's kind of way.

It was also frustrating. They couldn't do it on the laptop.  I had to use my phone which hurt my vanity. I'm very ugly in phone images.

On top of that major problem, it was hard for me to show the PA what I needed her to see. Especially when she asked me to press down on my fingers. I don't think she realized I was holding my phone with my other hand.  

I did manage to prop up my phone...with some mild struggling. The nearest thing for propping was a metal fruit basket and it didn't provide the best propping.  

So what has happened is that my very dried and chapped hands evolved into swollen fingers. I had that for a few weeks. A few times, I considered making a doctor's appointment and then I'd unconsider it.

Then.... I realized the red spots appearing on my fingers didn't blanch. I've always heard that this could be a sign of major disaster, so I decided I should probably get that checked out.

The PA didn't seem too concerned about the lack of blanching. And she compared it to my past major rash which DID blanch.  I'm not sure if she didn't hear me about the not-blanching...or didn't understand.

She prescribed me antibiotics, Prednisone, and steroid cream.

I did lots of Googling and saw somewhere that this could be a valid treatment for non-blanching rash bits.  So maybe she did understand me.

I'm weary of being on the Prednisone during a pandemic. Despite the statistics in my favor, I've been believing that if Covid finds it's way into me, I'm going to die or spends months in the hospital.  Since Prednisone decreases immunity, the situation seems even more dire.  Plus, I read about how even short term Prednisone increases your chance of getting Sepsis, fractures, and DVT's.  

I think maybe I could have done without the Prednisone.  

But I am glad for the antibiotics, because I'm a little scared that I was on the path to blood poisoning.  

I'm big on the whole thing of not over-prescribing antibiotics. But in this case, I'm glad to be taking them.

The combo prescription of antibiotics and steroids kind of reminds me of that episode of House MD where the doctors were struggling to diagnose and treat a woman. They didn't know if her symptoms were caused by autoimmune or infection.  There was a worry that if they gave her steroids then she wouldn't be able to fight the infection if it was an infection issue.  Or something like that. 

I also read how steroids like Prednisone can maybe SAVE people from dying of Covid....if their body overreacts to the virus.  

It's all very confusing.

Anyway...I've decided that after the pandemic, I'm going to take the plunge and start on the path of getting diagnosed with an auto-immune problem OR ruling out an auto-immune problem. For years, I've suspected I have an auto-immune disease. I'm tired of not knowing.   

In blog reading news, I finished reading about the McGinley trip to Peru and now am reading about their 2011 trip to Denver.  I'm running low on McGinley trip reports. I need the pandemic to end, so they can start traveling again.  

In podcast news, I'm very slowly listening to the Imagineer Podcast about his family's memories of Disney. It's great. They talk about the Disney stuff at the World's Fair, favorite parks, favorite rides, memories of Belgian waffles, etc.

One of my favorite parts was where they talk about bringing the Podcaster to Disney for the first time when he was four months old. They took him on It's a Small World and he was so enthralled by the whole thing. His eyes wide and all that. I imagine most babies would be scared, bored, or asleep.  But he was so into it.  I feel like he was born to be a Disney fan.

Or maybe I'm wrong and this is a typical reaction of infants to Disney rides.

I love hearing about families who have an intergenerational love for Disney.  

I plan to listen to more of the podcasts. 

I guess I might be becoming a podcast person.

In my screenwriting news...I'm now working on revising/proofreading The Dead are Online Version C. I made a decision last night while dealing with Prednisone induced insomnia. I had planned to write a The Dead are Online version D which would be a mix of version A, B, and C.  I decided I'm going to skip that...and end my loyalty to my novel.  

After I end up my contest-entering spree, I'm going to start slowly working on stuff for versions A, B, C...maybe work on further episodes and begin doing show Bibles. Then if I see any of the versions getting traction in the contests, I'll put extra speed and effort into that particular version.

 I feel good about this decision. And it's not like I necessarily will lose characters, because I have crossover characters.  One character is in all three versions and at least three characters are in two versions.  And that's just in the pilot episode. With version A and B, there will be a lot of crossover in later episodes...if I go by what's in the novel.  Version C is much more standalone.  But I can always bring in A and B characters somehow...somewhere. For some reason.  

I also have my pilot screenplay about dreams that I'm excited about.

And I shall have to eventually take a look at my Covid-therapy screenplays I wrote.

I sometimes get ideas for new screenplays but they never take off.

I had one about a dystopian that really wasn't a dystopian. It was a dystopia in the eyes of white supremacists.  It was going to be about how us left wing people got our way, and we're living our happy left-winged fantasy life while white supremacists live together in three star hotels teaching the children about how bad things are outside.

There's one half Black woman living in the hotel who's been brainwashed to believe that she shouldn't leave the community; the message told to her being that out there they despise and discriminate against anyone with white blood.

And the reason why I haven't gone far with the screenplay is that this woman is really the only character in which I have a real storyline for.   

It was too much of me wanting to world build a left wing paradise...and not enough story or character development. But maybe someday that will change.  

I had another idea that was a supernatural parenting kind of thing, but it might be too similar to Travelers.  Or that's my excuse for not try writing it, because I'm lazy and would rather have more time for Twitter.  

My idea is a mother slowly realizes her child is possessed and has been possessed for a long time.  The catch is that it's not an evil entity that has possessed her child but an innocent lost soul; I think a ghost of a child they encounter at a touristy haunted cafe.  

The possession happens gradually. The spirit takes awhile to completely take over.  But then the mother realizes that the child she knew and loved is gone and locked away in some spirit holding room.  She wants that child back, of course but also has grown to love the other child within her child.

I think I was also influenced by some certain horror movies that I won't name, because it would be too much of a spoiler. But it's the whole thing of a child being replaced but the replacement not being evil.  Although in that movie, it's not a matter of possession.  

I had another screenplay idea yesterday...more slow Indie type. It was based on my own personal experiences and things I've witnessed. A young girl with low self-esteem gets a boost when a teen cousin showers her with adoration and attention at a summer family reunion event. But then when she returns the next summer having lost some of her youthful cuteness, she's discarded and replaced with a younger, cuter cousin.  

I sort of like the idea.  The problem is I couldn't figure out how would it work. Do you cast two actresses to play the girl...so you can get the age difference. Or do you film part of the film when the actress is young and then wait until she goes through puberty to do the rest?  What if it ends up she has delayed puberty and you're waiting for years?

Then again, she doesn't necessarily have to go through puberty. She can just lose some of her youthful cuteness.  

I think the screenplay would also explore where do you draw the line between healthy, safe relationships between children and teens/adults and psychologically abusive/exploitive ones.  

I saw a social media post recently that declared grooming should not be seen as something that LEADS to abuse but something that in itself is abusive.  That stuck in my head.  

There definitely should be room in this world for healthy good relationships between children and older people...teens, adults, elderly folks, etc.  But we should also be aware of how easy it can be to fall into toxic behaviors...either out of ignorance or because of our own psychological issues.  And these toxic behaviors can be especially damaging to children.  Then again, toxic shit can happen between kids of the same age, so.....

I really don't know. But maybe one day I'll write that screenplay and know more. Or...more likely, I'll end up even more lost and confused about the matter.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

  

Wednesday Update

I finished my Turkish adventure in Duolingo and have now moved onto Latin. Latin is fantastic, because the voice actors sound like they are in some sort of angry, evil trance.  Since I associate Latin mostly with religious horror movies, it's all so perfect. 

Last night, I finished watching season 1 of Shameless. I used Random.org to pick a new show and ended up with Lucifer. I'm very excited about that. I love Lucifer.

I'm on season 3 with that. I won't get to it for awhile, though. I'll be concentrating on my other show which is The Fosters.  I have a whole system for how I balance my two solo-shows/movies. But it's hard to explain, and I'm not going to try.

It's funny, though because in my last post I brought up old posts related to The Fosters and Lucifer. And now those are both my current shows. 

I'm seeing that the website I've been using to keep up with Congress votes has finally updated.  They're a bit slow, unfortunately. They stopped at Senate vote 10 which was on January 28, and it wasn't until today that they posted Senate vote 11-13 and House votes 19-20.  It's all kind of old news for me, because The Washington Post and Twitter were all more timely. 

But still...now I can see things in more detail.  

Both Republican Senators from Indiana voted Yea for Pete Buttigieg.  That's cool...since he was the Mayor there.

Thirteen Republican Senators said Nay to Pete Buttigieg.  The same Senators keep giving Democrats a lot of no's, including Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, and Marsha Blackburn. I wonder if they'll say yea to anything.

Alejandro Mayorkas as Homeland Security Secretary is more controversial than Mayor Pete.  He received only six yea's from Republicans.  

Shelley Capito, from West Virginia, is one of the GOP Senators who said yea. West Virginia has had my attention lately, because they've been doing so well with vaccine distribution. 

And here's some more bipartisanship.  Three Democrat Representatives voted with Republicans to say Nay to a bill regarding apprenticeships. 

On Coronation Street, they're doing a storyline about liver transplants. It made me think of the liver transplant storyline on Offspring. 

Daniel (Rob Mallard) is offering up his liver to his brother Peter (Chris Gascoyne). I don't agree with Daniel's actions, because he has a young baby, and the mother of the baby is deceased.

The storyline on Offspring was somewhat similar. Nina (Asher Keddie) was faced with the decision of offering up her liver, and she too was the single parent of a baby. With that situation, I was a bit more torn, because the person needing the liver was a very young child. 

Peter is an adult, and his only dependent is a young adult. The death of a parent is always sad, but I'd rather a young adult lose their parent than a baby. 

When it comes to deciding between parents losing their young child vs a baby being orphaned...that's much harder to me.

 It's not like liver transplants are 100% fatal for the donors. In fact, there's a pretty good chance the donor will survive.  The death rate is 4 out of 1000. But the chance of dreadful complications is 1.1%.  That's pretty scary.

I don't think Daniel should take the risk. But in other situations, the risk might be worth it.  

I'm still listening to Trump harass Raffensperger  I lost my place, so now I might end up missing something or re-listening a part.  I know I was somewhere around 48-50 minutes.

I'll be glad when I'm done with that.

I'm still reading Untamed Shore by Silvia Morena-Garcia, and I'm still liking it. 

Tim and I are still watching Broadchurch. Season 2 is split between two murder storylines—one that was the focus of season 1 and the other which was alluded and flashbacked to during season 1.  I'm wondering now what season 3 will be about. One of the lawyers has a son in prison. I'm wondering if season 3 will focus on his case. Or...will there be a new murder?

I think Tim suggested that the murderer of season 1 will win the court case; go free; someone will take justice into their own hands. And then season 3 will be a who-done-it in terms of the vigilante justice.  

I'm back to reading the 2014 Peru adventures in Dog Food for Chairs. I may be at the end, because the title mentions airlines. Or maybe they end up flying within Peru? Or maybe they're having pre-travel airline issues.

The answers to my questions might have been given in the previous post, and I wasn't paying enough attention. I might have been distracted by the mention of Rainbow Looms.

Right now I'm listening to the final season soundtrack of Lost. I think it's one of the best musical scores. 

Last night I dreamed about Lost...mixed with X-Files, because I was trying to get help from Scully. And also, I slit people's throats with a razor. Okay but before you judge me...it was totally in self defense. It was their razor, and they had plans to use it on me. Or...at least I think they did.  

One other thing...on the subject of Lucifer.  I was thinking of Tom Ellis the other day...not in terms of Lucifer but from when he was on the show Miranda. There's an episode where Miranda (Miranda Hart) tells her friends she's on a vacation but in reality she's just in a local hotel.  I thought of that episode because on Coronation Street, Leanne (Jane Danson) tells her family and friends that she's gone to France to visit her mother and sister, but she's secretly actually at home.

The Coronation Street storyline is much darker than the Miranda one, because Leanne is grieving the loss of her three-year-old son and is very depressed. She faked the trip to Paris to keep concerned family and friends off her back.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online