A Moment on Ōpaki Made Me Sad

I had a moment or two of despair as I was watching Ōpaki today.

Pānia Papa was teaching the three guests te reo Māori surrounding drink etiquette.

I think the key lesson, though, was the use of the word rānei...which is the Māori version of "or".

It's put at the end of the sentence instead of the middle.

So...I think it goes something like....

He ti, he kawhe...rānei.

I have a lot to learn still.

I've kind of made a rule that I won't write Māori things unless I know them...(vs just sticking things into Google translate) But I'm grudgingly allowing myself to look up spelling/macrons or check Google Translate to see if they think I'm right or wrong.  Because I do that with English.  I mean not the translating, but I do often have to check spelling.

(And there's also the very helpful online Māori dictionary!)

Anyway...let me get to my point.

The Ōpaki household worked on coffee vs tea; then later also added Milo to the mix.  And something else? I forget what.

They also did kākāriki tea(Green tea) vs some other tea?  Gumboot?  I don't know if that's another name for Black Tea. Or some weird Down Under kind of thing.

Googled.  

It seems to be a specific New Zealand thing.  And it's Black Tea.

IS New Zealand referred to as Down Under???

There was a poster on Flight of the Conchords, but maybe it's only a Flight of the Conchords thing.

I will look into this later.

Back to Ōpaki.

They did huka.  Sugar.

And more rānei work, because there was two types of sugars: huka mā and huka māori.  

Māori isn't just the name of a people but also a descriptor word meaning things like normal, fresh, natural...And in the huka case: raw.

Both guests chose huka mā vs huka māori.

Back up....

I should mention there are three guests.  And one guest was assigned the responsibility of doing the asking/offering/serving to the other two.  

Both of the being-served guests asked for tahi (one) sugar.  

Then they did miraka which is milk.  

More rānei learning. Because they had cow milk and almond milk.

And finally I get to the point that made me sad.

They asked one of the guests what milk they wanted but then skipped over the other guest.

I think it might have been because the first guest made a few mistakes with answering. So they all might have gotten sidetracked.  

Or it could have just been time for the break/transition and off camera they offered the milk choice.

But I had a depressing hyper-empathy moment where I imagined being in the situation. 

I imagined being in a hyper-sensitive mood and feeling very ignored or forgotten.

And I might have spiraled and thought about how I don't deserve milk. And it's not these people here thinking I don't deserve milk. It's very often that all the people feel I don't deserve what other people deserve.

(I should note for accuracy-sake, I don't put milk in my coffee or tea)

I might sit there with tears in my eyes hoping that no one notices and no one asks me what's wrong.  Because if they ask me, I'll start crying-crying.

Hopefully, the guests on Ōpaki are more emotionally stable than me.

* * *

I'm not hyper-sensitive all the time.

Hopefully I'm not even that way most of the time.

It's also probably more of a straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back thing. (I wonder what the Māori say for that sentiment).

If I was having a good day, so far, I'd probably not be bothered that they forgot to offer me miraka.

BUT...later if something else negative happened. Like they looked tense with all the language mistakes I was making, I'd probably think back to the miraka and have a self-esteem spiral.

That being said, so far, Pānia Papa has never looked annoyed at anyone's mistakes. She is a very patient and fun teacher.  

And as a viewer of the show, guest-mistakes are probably the most valuable moments because then things are repeated, slowed down, etc.  

Various Thoughts About Our Experiences at Woke Disney

I was going to do a long drawn out trip report, but it gets too rambly, and I end up revealing things I don't want to...or shouldn't.

So I'm just going to do a list of various thoughts. 

1. Though Disney tried super hard with their magical grooming tactics, I'm still cisgender and lean heterosexual with a tendency towards bisexual celebrity crushes.  

2. We never ended up using Genie + or Lightning lanes.

3. List of attractions I ended up going on:

Epcot: Ratatouille (2x), Spaceship Earth (2x), Living with the Land (2x), Nemo, Test Track, Gran Fiesta Tour, 

Magic Kingdom: It's a Small World (2x), The Carousel of Progress, People Mover, The Haunted Mansion,

Hollywood Studios: Rise of the Resistance (2x), Smugglers Run (2x), Mickey and Minnie's Runaway Railway (2x), Star Tours, Slinky Dog

Animal Kingdom: Nothing.

I rode Gran Fiesta, Star Tours, and one round of Mickey and Minnie alone. The rest I rode with either Jack or Tim or both of them.  

Star Tours was kind of ironic, because for the past several years, it's been the ride that Tim and Jack go on while I go elsewhere.  But I was alone in the park...and had this desire to try it.  

4. After some thinking, I decided (with Jack and Tim's permission) to switch our Animal Kingdom reservations to Epcot. 

Animal Kingdom was scheduled for our last day. I hate last days. And on top of end-of-trip-sorrow, I didn't want to add the heat or the bus experience.   And the Animal Kingdom ride I'm most interested in is Everest.  BUT...this year our desire for thrill rides had lessened. 

5. I feel with thrill rides it's not just about the thrill. It's not just about enjoying the fear or the adrenaline. I think there's also a pleasant physical feeling.  I didn't get much of that feeling on Test Track, and I pretty much just felt unpleasant on Slinky Dog. I don't know if that's a permanent kind of thing. Or if it was just about this trip.  

6. Because of the hot weather and my intolerance of it, I changed my way of doing Disney.  I'm usually a get up early kind of person. This time I had plans to sleep in late.  I worked on this schedule weeks before going to Disney.  I went from being a person who starts getting ready for bed around 9 to one who gets into bed at 11, 12, or beyond.  

My plan was to stay up late, sleep in, and then go to the parks in the evening.

I had serious doubts this would work out for me.

But it did!!

And I should add...that we had the challenge of working in a 6 am flight which resulted in us having to wake up at 3...something.  

The first morning there....I slept until 10.  I was very pleased with myself.  

I wasn't just impressed with myself for sleeping in but also for being incredibly lazy on some of the days.  

I really did well at saving my energy for the evenings.  

7. I had made our park reservations around the late night magic hours. But I won't do that again. Because one of the best nights was at Hollywood Studios with normal closing times.  I followed the advice I heard somewhere, sometime to stay beyond closing. This doesn't mean hiding in a bathroom somewhere or behind a clothes rack while everyone else leaves the park.  Instead what you do is get in line for a ride just before closing.

We got in line for Rise of the Resistance about five minutes before closing. And then afterwards slowly made our way out of the park...stopping for a lovely t-shirt-prompted chat with a cast member.  

So now I more fully understand that park closing time really is less about a forced exit and more saying you need to start your restaurant experience or get into an attraction line BEFORE this time.  

8. We went to Hollywood Studios for the DVC Moonlit Magic.  It was okay. The three not-great things:

A) We spent a large chunk of the time in line for Smugglers Run...which would have been better if the experience didn't include having drama with our TrustedHouse Sitters cat sitter.  

At some point in the drama, I suddenly exclaimed something like, I don't know what it is, but I feel like we've been here a really long time.  I THOUGHT it was just perception.  Like all the drama made it seem longer.  But it turns out what was supposed to be a 40 minute line had turned into about 75 minutes.  Though when I said that...it hadn't reached that amount of time yet.  But it was past the 40 minutes at least.  

B) For some odd reason, Disney didn't post the wait times on the app during Moonlight Magic, so you'd  have to walk to a ride and see. Plus, I think some of the thrill and joy is looking at the app and seeing all the short wait times...even if you're not actually planning to ride.

C) There were free snacks. And a variety...not just the usual popcorn and Mickey ice-cream. Which is lovely.  But there was no information on which snacks were where. There was just a list of which places had snacks...but not what kind of snacks.  I didn't get the snack that I wanted (pretzel) and ended up with popcorn (fairly yum) and a really blah brownie. All in all, the snack experience was a mix of confusing and disappointing.  

9. The only planned-ahead dining reservations we had was Le Cellier. It was an interesting experience, because both the hostess and our waiter had the spirit of Tigger in them.  

10. We ended up with last minute reservations at Be Our Guest. I think that's hard to get...I mean I think it's one of the restaurants that people work hard to get months before they leave. So I feel like we accomplished something huge.

The thing is, appointments stress me out...even eating ones. And I love the thrill of seeing what becomes available last minute.

11. The waiting area outside Be Our Guest is a very good place to see the fireworks. I'm not a big fan of fireworks.  But it's mostly because I don't like the crowds and the waiting for it all to begin. The noise bothers me only in that it startles me...like if there's a long space between the fireworks or when the show first begins.  But once I know it's happening, and I'm no longer startled...I enjoy it.

We waxed poetic to a cast member about the firework experience. She explained that the only problem is we missed the projections on the castle.  We were fine with missing that.

Now...we WERE technically waiting.  But instead of waiting for the fireworks to begin, we were watching fireworks while waiting for our table to be ready.  

12. It just came into my head that it's not just about the crowds and the waiting.  It's also the knowing that after the show is over, we're going to become part of the mass crowd that's trying to exit in order to get to bed on time.  OR if we plan to stay in the park, we have to walk against the crowd...which in Magic Kingdom is kind of a nightmare.  

13. The one I-now-know-I'm autistic accommodation I gave myself on this trip was being more understanding towards myself regarding music.  Like most humans, I do love music.  I listen to a lot of it.  But I also know it can give me intense emotional responses.  And I now know, at certain times, I need to avoid music.  One such time is on airplanes.  I made myself a rule of no-music while flying.  

Though I love Sunshine Seasons, mainly because of the music playing, I was not eager to go there on this trip.  We did go into the Land Pavillon but we didn't eat or step into the Sunshine Seasons area.  

Is the same music playing near the ride?  I can't remember.  I don't remember hearing it.  Even if it's there, maybe in the context of waiting in a line it effects me less than when we're sitting together as a family eating.  

I rarely have strong generational feelings at Disney World.  But I did once at Sunshine Seasons...several years ago.  That feeling/memory of being there as a child with my family. Nostalgia can be so painful sometimes...even when connected to positive or neutral memories.

On top of personal memories...with Sunshine Seasons, there's also the cinematic memories—kids jumping from a dock in South Carolina, dark family secrets...

14. Club Cool has new sodas.  Though they've kept the Beverly.  

On our second visit, I overheard someone say that the Chinese soda tastes like barbecue sauce.  And I realized they were right.  I thought it was pretty cool/interesting.  I also liked the Russian soda.  It's like cucumber Sprite.  The others really didn't make an impression on me.  I mean I don't remember much about them.

15. We ended up sharing a snow cone in Japan.  It was very much the experience I wanted it to be.  The only thing missing was the overly hot weather, because we ended up getting it in the early evening.  Well...and instead of sitting on a bench, we stood.

Oh...and sometime later during the trip, Tim asked if we thought the snow cone had gotten. smaller.  It's one of those things that I didn't consciously notice.  But once he mentioned it, I realized it had seemed smaller.  Usually, it's bigger and therefore messier.

The important thing is, though...what I had wanted is to have a normal experience where we're just kind of taking life for granted and not getting overly sentimental about being back at Disney post-Covid.  

And on that note.....

16. Being back at Disney felt wonderfully, beautifully normal. I didn't expect that to happen.  I had anticipated being hurt by the changes, overcome with nostalgia, and just, in general, having a ton of bittersweet moments.

But no.  Even with the changes, things felt so normal.  It felt same old, same old.  And I'm so grateful for that.  It's exactly what I needed.

17. I have three new vomits to add to my collection of horrifying vomit encounters at Disney World.  

Note: I have a phobia of vomit, so any vomit is horrifying.

They all took place at Epcot...which gave me a paranoid moment or two about the food being served there.  But it's probably just a coincidence.

All the imagery happened very fast, because it's something I quickly look away from. So my memories might not be exactly accurate.

The first was a man..kind of towards a wall.  I think he had just finished with the vomiting.  I have this memory of the vomit puddle being huge.  It was horrific.  The one thing that gave me comfort is he had people with him, supporting him.  I think part of my vomit phobia originated with vomiting as a child and receiving the message that kids in fourth grade do not merit the comfort and assistance that a much younger, more beloved child, deserves.  So seeing an adult receive TLC was kind of maybe slightly therapeutic to me.

Though....with me having a vomit phobia, I'm probably the person who will cause other people to have a phobia, because I'm likely to make a vomiting person feel like a total pariah.  But it might be more likely, I'd be comforting and helpful; then later have OCD type meltdowns where I'm taking multiple showers, throwing away clothes, having flashbacks, not wanting the vomiter to go near me until they've taken ten showers, etc.  

Onto the two other vomits.  It was the last day.  We were walking in World Showcase.  My memory is probably really unreliable.  But I feel maybe I saw multiple cast members cleaning an area in the walkway with chemicals.  It all seemed very serious.  I kind of feel they were on their hands and knees?  And I was thinking...did someone vomit?  And why are they cleaning like this instead of using the sawdust.  Then we walked a few steps further, and there was a sawdust situation.  And one of the cast members asked people in contagion-movie style to please keep away from the area.

I'm guessing what happened is someone vomited twice in a crowded walkway.  They were probably simply probably trying to prevent a bunch of people trampling on the vomit; then spreading it through World Showcase.  

BUT...it kind of felt like a horror movie and that the vomit had some kind of little aliens inside of it...or contained a new extra-scary variant of Covid or Monkey Pox.

18. I very occasionally have these certain super-special feelings that are dream-memory related.  I had these feelings when seeing this wonderful, magical contraption at Epcot.

Just remembering seeing this in person or looking at a picture gives me residual feelings of the feeling.

What gave me huge amount of the feeling is seeing water spraying from that thing.  I stayed behind to try to get some photos and especially wanted to get some water action shots...but gave up after waiting a few minutes.  (it was too hot for me to keep waiting).  

I assumed the thing had something to do with the evening Epcot show. For some reason, I imagined it to be some giant firefighting machine (just in case) which now seems kind of silly. I later saw images somewhere that made me realize it's actually part of the show.

I should do more research into it.  

Okay.  Googled.

The official name seems to be Harmonious Barges...and here's a bunch of various images. 

The Disney Food Blog calls them Epcot's biggest eyesores.  DFB used to be one of my favorite Disney sources but at one point, I realized their taste in food is too different from mine.  They're really big on cupcakes...which to me are just not my favorite thing.  I'm not trying to criticize them in anyway.  I think they're great.  But sometimes...in terms of taking travel advice, it's helpful to know if the one giving advice has similar likes and dislikes as you.

Anyway...yeah....what they call an eyesore might be the most beautiful, amazing thing I have ever seen at Disney World.

So we are certainly not on the same page with that...or with cupcakes being a highly desirable dessert.  

19. My favorite Disney treat this time around was a bag of pink cotton candy.  

We stopped off at the Boardwalk store just before it closed, so Tim could buy a toothbrush.  While waiting for him, I sat there looking at the various fancy bakery and confectionary thingies.  A cast member asked if I was having trouble deciding on something.  I replied that I wasn't even sure if I wanted anything...which was the truth.  It was very much a moment of do-I-want-something-and-if-I-do-how-the-hell-do-I-choose?

Tim came back with the toothbrush.  And the cast member ringing it up suddenly presented the bag of cotton candy, saying something like, And you will need this toothbrush to go with your FREE bag of cotton candy.

It was a very delightful magical moment.

I had this idea that the cast member thought it was financial stress preventing me from getting a dessert, and she was being charitable.  But when we exited the store, we saw other cast members holding bags of cotton candy.  We concluded that it's probably a tradition that at closing, they hand out the leftover bags.  

20. If I was going to ask Disney to make one improvement it would be that if you're going to have rides and attractions opened late that they also have more food options open.  BUT I can't blame Disney for not having that improvement.  Because I think it's a matter of being understaffed.  A cast member in the Disney College program told us she's working 50-60 hours a week.  

What might help, though....  How about hotel vending machines?  

Or maybe they have them...and I just didn't see. They could be in the ice-maker areas.  I didn't check there.

The night that we planned to do the extra evening magic hours at Epcot, we left almost immediately after it started when we realized there was very little food left open.  If we had stayed until the end, we would have then returned to the Beach Club/Boardwalk area where most (or all) of the restaurants were already closed.  

I should add that we had snacks in the room, so we didn't even need a vending machine.  But what if we didn't have snacks, and we couldn't find food anywhere?  I sometimes have low blood sugar feelings...so it's something I think about.  

With our late schedule, though...and erratic eating schedules...what we were usually craving was an actual meal.  So that kind of messed with our let's-stay-late-at-the-park plans.   

21. Back to our Be Our Guest experience.  In the beginning of our time there, they suddenly announced the presence of the Beast.  He came in and just kind of stood there, looking pretty.  It cracked me up a bit.  What made it even funnier is like...fifteen minutes later, they repeated the whole thing.  And I kind of pictured it like people humoring helping a person who needs extra-reassurances.

There's this movement in pop-psychology to replace terms like attention-seeking with support-seeking.  I actually agree a lot with this, by the way.

But...yeah.  It felt like this beast was in need of support and that we as diners were being asked to provide it for him.  

22. Getting back to point 6.  Just to clarify....

I am very lazy when I'm at home...at least when it comes to going out.  In fact, we got back from Disney last Friday.  It's Thursday, and I don't think I've been out since then.  

Though...I have taken a couple of walks in the neighborhood.  

Well...that's actually something. Because I put on a bra.

Yay me.

I've actually been trying to be less lazy at home...even tried making a kind of rule of putting on a bra, getting dressed, and being ready to go out everyday.  

So...here in Texas I'm trying to be less lazy.

While in Disney, I was trying to be more lazy...at least during the hot sun hours.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Not Me!

I finished listening to the rest of Liv and Mik's first episode of their podcast Living Autistically.  Towards the end of it, I found more stuff that I strongly relate to.

They talk about feeling validated in terms of being autistic; that although a diagnosis from a psychiatrist can help people feel validated, getting validation from fellow autistics can be equally or even more validating.

Validation can come from an autistic person telling us they think we're autistic, and it can also come from simply listening to autistic people and seeing how we relate so much to what they're saying.

BUT...sometimes the opposite happens.  

Sometimes autistic people say something, and we do not relate to it.  Then this can feed into our imposter syndrome.

In the podcast,  Liv says: 

Yeah.  And then I think it’s important to keep in mind that...For example, when you are listening to people that are autistic and their experiences that you can still be autistic even though you have different experience.  Because I think that happens to lots of us if we see a video of somebody saying oh I always have this when I do this. 

Liv and Mik then talk about how every autistic person is different, autism is on a spectrum, etc, etc.  

Mik then provides an example:

I had that a lot when I saw people… like a lot of autistic people cannot handle when their food touches each other; you know like when different compartments of foods touch each other.  I do not mind at all.  I love it when everything is mixed.

Liv interjects, Yeah. Me too. 

Mik says,  And I mean not if it’s a cold salad mixed with warm potatoes No please no. 

Liv seems to agree with this but then realizes they don't completely agree.  They seems to gain courage to speak their truth.  They say, oh, that can be delicious. 

Mik: Uh uh.  No.

Liv: You're not autistic. It's delicious.

I can relate to all that on multiple levels.

First, as I've mentioned in a previous post, I get the imposter syndrome when I hear autistic people talking about things I can't relate to.  

Second: I like my food mixed together.  And I'm team Liv in terms of mixing cold with hot. Although that changes sometimes if the food is in some sort of sandwich form.

I was thrilled to find a photo in my collection 
that fit well with this post 

The third thing is their joke about not being autistic...that reminds me of my own kind of sense of humor.

Anyway....

Something I've been thinking.....

When I wrote my post about autism in April, I thought I was kind of original and lonely in using the term imposter syndrome for something like autism rather than a career thing.  But no. Imposter syndrome seems to be very common among autistic people.

It's to the point that I'm wondering if imposter syndrome should be counted as an autistic trait. 

I wonder if autistic people commonly have a history of imposter syndrome with things besides autism?

I have. I had it with my eating disorder, my neurology stuff, being a writer... unschooling.

I even have it with fandom stuff.

Can I count myself as a fan of Lost? The Walking Dead?  Doctor Who?

Just as I compare myself to much-more-obviously-autistic people and feel very-much-not autistic, the same goes when I compare myself to much-more dedicated and intense fans.

Another thing I'm wondering is if imposter syndrome is more common in autistic people than allistic ones.

What if most people talking about imposter syndrome, in general...what if most of them are autistic?  

Circling back to getting imposter syndrome feelings from hearing things we can't relate to.  For me, this can happen when even ONE person says something I can't relate to.  But it's even worse when multiple people say it.  This could be two or three people on a video or podcast talking about something they have in common.  It could also be one person saying something and then many in comments agreeing with them.  

The thing I probably need to remind myself is that people who share the thing in common are probably more likely to comment than the people who don't.  But maybe this should be an incentive for people to speak up when they can't relate. Because it will help other people, who also can't relate to what was said in the video, feel less alone...and maybe stop them from having an imposter syndrome episode.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Episode Two of Two Sides of the Spectrum

Thanks to my sister Melissa, The Imagineer Podcast is no longer the only podcast in my life.  I'm now also listening to Meg Proctor's Two Sides of the Spectrum.  

I recently finished listening to episode two. 

In this episode, she talks to an autistic autism specialist named Damian Milton, who sounds bit a like Alan Rickman. Or Severus Snape, really.  I can't remember if Rickman always sounded like Snape?

Anyway....

Here are some various thoughts I had while, or because of, listening to the podcast.  

1. I find comfort in finding some of Milton's autistic traits relatable. Part of my imposter syndrome is hearing someone's particular autistic trait that does NOT match my own experience and then immediately thinking, I'm not autistic!

 2. Milton reminded me that I have a strong aversion to tuna fish salad. I'm pretty sure I've forgotten to mention that in my blog.

Milton talked about his aversion to parmesan cheese, which strangely despite my vomit phobia, I don't have that particular aversion in common with him. I actually love parmesan cheese. Though my love for the processed powder stuff has lessened in the last year or so.

Tuna fish salad, though.  If I was starving on a deserted island, I might continue starving if the only thing available was that disgusting substance.

I'm sitting here asking myself if I'd eat a bowl of it for a million dollars, and it's actually horrifying for me to even imagine taking a bite.  

But I'd probably do it, because I'd feel guilty not doing it. 

I'd probably cry, though, while enduring it. And I'd probably end up with PTSD.

Okay. I know it probably sounds bad that I'd let myself starve to death to avoid eating tuna fish salad, but I wouldn't give up a million dollars.  

The thing is, with a million dollars...there are other people in the picture. Like charities and family.  I would feel guilty that I gave up a chance to get money I could donate. And I think I wouldn't hear the end of it from family.  If only Dina ate that tuna fish salad, we would be sitting in first class instead of economy.  

Whatever charity I gave the money to....like let's say I gave it to a charity that plants trees, I think every time I'd see a tree, I'd have flashbacks of eating the tuna fish salad, and I would end up hating trees. Or if I gave the money to a charity to help abused children, I'd end up hating all children.  

I really hope no one ever offers me a million dollars for eating tuna fish salad.  

Just having to smell tuna fish salad or look at it is dreadful to me.  

3. Milton talks about being both touch-aversion and touch-seeking. I'm this way.  There are certain fabrics I don't like touching and certain variations of that type of fabric I hate touching. I hate the feeling of having dry skin especially on my hands. I don't like wearing pants, tights, or panty house.  I don't like certain types of touch from people.  I'm very picky about underpants. I hate touching chalk and chalkboards. It's a struggle for me to get to sleep sometimes, because of touch issues.  

But I love touching certain things...like wet, squishy, slimy. Though at the same time, I don't like touching those things, because they  can ultimately end up causing my hands to feel dry. But as long as there is good hand-washing and lotion nearby.....I love the feel of lotion on my hands.

I wash my hands too often and sometimes too long. Most of that is due to my germ/contamination issues, but I also love the feel of the water and the soap.  

I love people playing with my hair and scratching my back.

4. Milton pushes accommodating sensory issues rather than desensitizing.  I like that.

I would much prefer that people not order tuna fish salad when I'm at the table rather than push me to try to get used to the smell.

Fortunately, I'm not often in situations where people order tuna fish salad.  Tim and Jack very kindly don't make it at the house. They do make chicken salad, which I don't love to see, because of the mayonnaise.  But the smell is much less offensive. 

Every so often, someone will eat it when I'm around. I don't think they know of my aversion, and I don't mention it.  I have vague memories of people eating it near me in the last few years. I don't remember being too horrified by the smell. Maybe the air circulation was good? 

I'm feeling guilty in remembering/realizing that maybe I'm not sensitive enough to other people's smell sensitivities.  Tim is sensitive to play-doh. I'm not sure I was compassionate enough about that.  My sister is sensitive to the smell of seafood.  I guess that fish smell?  And my brother-in-law has a sensitivity to fenugreek.  I probably have not been kind enough towards them regarding their issues.

I recently brought a frozen Indian meal to the lake house. Fortunately, I had grabbed the Saag Paneer which (probably) doesn't have fenugreek.  But we have other frozen Indian meals that probably do have fenugreek, and I didn't really have my brother-in-law in mind when I grabbed the less-offensive-to-him meal.

If I want people to be more sensitive to my issues, I definitely need to be more sensitive to theirs.  

5. Either Milton or Proctor (maybe both?) talk about autism as a a culture——a social model of autism vs a medical model.  I really like this and hope as time goes by that this becomes a bigger and bigger thing.  

6. Proctor talks about how she used to use the term peer model but now sees how it is problematic.  Peer model is where autistic child spend time with neurotypical children to be inspired by and learn how to act more neurotypical.  Proctor's and Milton's message is that autistic people shouldn't be the ones to do all the changing and improving.  

I think through the years, autistic people have been pushed to change so they can accommodate allistic (non-autistic) people. It's much more fair if autistic people learn to bend a bit to accommodate allistic people but at the same time allistic people learn to bend a bit to accommodate autistic people.

SO...for every autistic person put into ABA therapy so they can become more neurotypical and/or more functional, a neurotypical person should be put into a conversion therapy that trains them to act more autistic and be more functional when they are among autistics.  

7. Milton had a good analogy for the 40 hours of ABA that some children are prescribed.  He said it was like an adult admitting they hate math and then being forced to do math for 40 hours a week.  This is somewhat similar to the approach I am tempted to take with parents who force their kids to taste something, the dreadful, Just take one bite. That's all you have to do!  I want to take something they'd probably find disgusting like a dead cockroach or a handful of maggots and say, Just take one bite. It's not that hard!

Just for the record: I'd much rather be offered a dead cockroach or handful of maggots to eat, for a million dollars, than a bowl of tuna fish salad.  

Anyway...

On the subject of pushing autistic people to change..... (or taking a detour from it, actually) 

From what I've heard, one of the things autistic people are often forced to do is make eye contact.  I'm not sure if I have the eye contact issue. I don't feel great making eye contact, but I felt weirder recently when I tried not making it.  I started to wonder if I had been born with an aversion to eye contact but was taught that this is the right thing to do and so it came to the point where not-making-eye contact felt wrong.

I do often feel uncomfortable talking face to face with people. I would rather talk to someone on a walk or while we're both busy doing chores than sit across from someone at a restaurant and have a conversation. BUT if I was sitting across from someone, I'd feel weird looking past them, and if they did that to me, I think I would be thinking, You're not listening to me.  OR, at least, I would have thought that in the past.  Now I would be more sensitive to people having eye contact issues. Although that sentiment would compete with the idea that when I daydream, I stare off into space. So I might suspect the other person is doing the same.  

I guess what I'm thinking is I'm better off in situations where eye contact is not expected.  In the past, I would have attributed this to shyness and/or awkwardness.  But maybe it's is an autism thing.  

I was reading some advice somewhere from autistic people, and they talked about tricks to make it look like you're making eye contact...such as looking at someone's nose or eyebrows.  Maybe I'll start trying that.  If it makes face to face conversation easier, maybe this points to me having an eye contact issue.  

Anyway...I'm glad to have another podcast in my life, and I'm eager to listen to more of it! 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

No Cheese Pizza No Soup and Definitely No Mayonnaise!

I'm a moderately picky eater these days.  In my childhood and other younger years, I was a very picky eater.

I am guessing my very-picky status came from being autistic. I'm not sure, though, how much of it was due to sensory issues. I think a lot of it was due to faulty conclusions and associations.

Here are the things I was picky about in the bygone days.

1. I refused to eat soup. This came from not liking tomato based soups and concluding that ANY food with the name soup in it was off limits.

2. I would eat only mozzarella cheese and it had to be cooked. I refused any cold cheeses and any other cooked cheeses. 

3. I refused to eat cheese pizza. I think this is because one time we had a Kosher brand cheese pizza at my grandmother's house, and it was disgusting. So I concluded that all cheese pizza was a no.  Usually I'd be happy with pepperoni pizza. The exception was Tombstone frozen pizza. I didn't like their pepperoni.  But I was not okay eating their cheese pizza.  So I'd insist on being served pepperoni pizza, and I'd take off the pepperoni. Years later we went to a wedding and saw people I hadn't seen since childhood. This woman who hadn't seen me in about twenty years brought up the Tombstone pizza issue. To her, that was like my signature...move.

4. I hated/hate mayonnaise.  I have no idea where this came from.  My earliest memory of the issue comes from being at a restaurant with family.  One of my aunts (cousin by marriage, actually) revealed to me that there was mayonnaise on the bread I was eating. I was horrified.

5. When we ate at McDonald's...I would order a plain burger with just pickles.  I didn't want the tomato and ketchup.  

6. I was picky with meat. I liked some...like the meat in my mom's spaghetti sauce, taco meat, ribs, pepperoni sticks.  I wasn't fond of white meat chicken.  If I remember correctly, I didn't like meat in sauces besides the ones my mom made.  Or maybe it was with only Italian and Mexican food.  

I didn't eat Turkey at Thanksgiving.  

I didn't like any deli meats except for corned beef. 

I was so picky about meat that in order to not be rude, Tim and I started lying and telling people, who cooked for us, that I was vegetarian.  This wasn't great, because I don't like lying and also there was the worry that what if we were in a situation with these same people where I DID want to eat the meat.

Well...all that was solved eventually by me becoming truly vegetarian.

I think actually becoming vegetarian is what moved me from the very picky eater category to the moderately picky eater category. Because the food I was probably most often picky about was meat.

So...now instead of being known as a picky eater, I'm more often known as a vegetarian.

I've also grown out of some of my other issues, though. 

The soup one happened in college. I went to a Seder at the local synagogue. I didn't like any of the foods being served. I guess I was hungry. Or something gave me the motivation to try the matzah ball soup.  A miracle happened, and I finally realized that not all soup is like the tomato based one I used to not like.

It seems especially ridiculous to me now that I even refused to eat those sweet-fruit soups they serve on cruise ships.  

Yeah. Now I like a lot of soups. I even liked tomato based ones.

With the cheese issue. I think one day I was finally brave enough to try nacho cheese. And my memory is lacking in terms of my growth in this issue.  But I eat most cheese these days...cold or warm...various types.  

I also eventually learned that not all cheese pizza tastes like the Kosher one we ate at my Grandma's. 

As for the present....I still have a fair amount of dislikes.

1. Though I like most cheeses, I don't like sweet cream cheese and stay away from cheesecakes and frosting that's made of cream cheese. For a time, I was able to eat cream cheese on bagels.  But now I can't stomach it.  

2. I have a phobia of mayonnaise. There are some foods I might not be a fan of, but I'll simply pick them off of my food and be fine with it. Or if it's a hidden ingredient, I'm cool with it.  That is NOT the case with mayonnaise. If I eat something and later am told it had mayonnaise, I feel very contaminated.  A lot of times I will check food packaging for ingredients. When I do this, it's usually about looking to make sure there's no mayonnaise.

3. I don't like ketchup. For some strange reason, Tim continues to forget this...even though we've been together 26 years.  Every so often, he'll offer me ketchup. But on balance, he's quite good at remembering I don't like mayonnaise.  

4. I don't like sandwiches with soft bread. I usually need my bread to be toasted. I especially don't like peanut butter on soft bread.  I don't like peanut butter on sandwiches. Though I do like peanut butter in candy or dessert sauces.  I'm more okay with the natural peanut butter than the very sticky overly processed peanut butter.  

5. I don't like water chestnuts (for vomit memory reasons). Though if they are big enough to take out of the food, I'm fine with it. It's just usually annoying, because when people put water chestnuts in something, they tend to put a lot of water chestnuts in.  Or maybe it just feels that way?

6. For the last fifteen years or so, I've had this issue where I randomly get nauseated in the midst of eating.  I'm not sure the cause. I don't think it's related to being full. I think it has to do with texture and temperature.  The foods that seem to be bring it on the most are foods that mix soft bread, mushy sauces, and cold vegetables.  

So...I shy away from most vegetarian sandwiches.

Leftover pizza has given me the feeling a few times, so I've avoided that the past several years. But recently I've started to eat it without any ill effects.  

The last time we were at Disney World, I got the feeling when eating at one of the Galaxy Edge restaurants. It was annoying, because I liked what I was eating.  But...I think the soft pitas caused the issue.  

I think autistic people are known for not liking foods touching each other. But...As long as the food doesn't include soft bread, I'm usually fine with foods touching each other.  I actually like clumping everything together.  

7. I like dried scrambled eggs and omelettes but stay clear of sunny side up eggs and hard boiled eggs.

8. Besides the cream cheese issue, I love most desserts.  I'm not always keen on pineapple, though. I like fresh pineapple and pineapple upside down cake. I resisted Dole Whips at first but now am okay with it (but prefer the other flavors).  I don't like canned pineapple...especially the very strong smell.  I also am not too pleased with pineapple flavored candy. It's not a strong enough aversion that I'd spit it out.  But once I know what color equals pineapple, I'll usually avoid that.  

9. I like frozen yogurt but do not like regular yogurt. I wish I did, because the flavors look so fun sometimes.  But the smell is yuck to me.

I've sometimes reluctantly tolerated yogurt mixed in with foods. Or maybe once I did this. I think at one of the Disney World food fairs.

I've also been okay with it in small quantities in smoothies/mango lassi.  

I also shy away from sour cream.

I think I might just be weary of any creamy white food.  Well...savory. Because I do liked whip cream and love white ice-cream.  White soft serve ice-cream might be one of my favorite foods.  

10. Until about four months ago, I labeled myself as a non-coffee drinker. I did like coffee candy...especially dark chocolate espresso beans.  And, at one point, I even started eating regular espresso beans that Tim had in the house.  But it was a big no to coffee-drinking and coffee ice-cream.

Then one day I had this idea that maybe I didn't like coffee mixed with milk. I decided to try black coffee. And now I'm a coffee drinker. I drink it daily. Fortunately for me, Tim is really big on making coffee and during our life together has bought all kinds of fun coffee gadgets that, until recently, I pretty much ignored.  We have an espresso machine, a cold press, and a French press.

What I think is that I have an aversion to creamy coffee because I associate it with a specific feeling/memory/idea.  It's like a mug on a desk of a GROWN UP filled with remnants of the drink.  And next to that drink is probably an ashtray filled with cigarette butts....maybe a bottle of Scotch?  I think it represents my childhood aversion to the adult world.

I could probably slowly get over that aversion and bring myself to like white coffee, but since black coffee is SO much healthier, I'm going to embrace my aversion and try to never get over it.  

Anyway....I've been thinking about picky eating in relation to autism.  I think autistic picky eating is associated with sensory issues, so I question whether most of my issues qualify as autistic picky eating.  

I do wonder, though....

Why are autistic people sensitive about certain things and not others?  Why are some sounds okay and other sounds not?  Why are some food textures fine but others are offensive? Why are some fabrics a yes and others are a big no?  

Could it be related to having strong memory associations?  And maybe autistic people have stronger associations than what's typical?  Or is it mostly a physical difference?  Like a difference in sense receptors?  

I did a quick (lazy) Google to see if there are any answers out there.   Nothing really jumps out at me. If you are an expert on this subject and know of any good research...please recommend!  And by expert, I don't mean you need to have a degree in it.  It could be one of your special interests....

"Mac" and Cheese is another food
I avoided during my childhood. Later
I grew to like it, but I much prefer homemade styles to
the boxed kind. Though I'm okay with the boxed kinds 
if it's not yellow and not the Kraft tubular shaped ones. Tim
made me the ones I don't like the other day. I talked myself 
into eating it, saying it's really not different from the ones
I do like. I forced myself to eat it, did not enjoy the experience,
and regretted  not listening to my picky self.  
The other thing about "mac" and cheese is I'm now weary
of it in restaurants since learning that some people use recipes 
involving mayonnaise!!

 

    

Read my novel: The Dead are Online

When it Comes to Senses My Mind is Kind of Blank

For the most part, I've been watching Yo Samdy's Sam's autism videos in chronological order. Sometimes, though, I peek ahead. One day I saw she has a video about something called aphantasia. I found the word interesting, I guess.  Or the universe wanted to torment me....

I looked it up and learned the term refers to people who can't imagine things in their mind.

It would be nice to be one of those who read that and thinks, Wait! You mean some people can't visualize things? I can't even imagine!

No.

Instead I was one of those that thought, Wait. Holy shit. Do you mean that most people can see things in their mind?

Now it's really confusing. Because we can't know for sure what other people are visualizing...seeing...imagining. Maybe I'm underestimating my abilities. Maybe other people are overestimating theirs.

Things in my life, though, started making sense. Well, what I mean is that aphantasia could explain a few things...such as...

1. I remember my dad finding it cute/amusing when I told him I forgot what he looked like. I guess I was at camp?  He probably thought I was joking. But no. Sometimes I can't picture people in my mind.  If you name a random person in my life, I might be able to picture them. I might not. Sometimes I draw a complete blank.  

If I can picture someone, it's often of a specific memory of them in a photograph. For example, right now I can picture my dad in a particular old photo...probably from decades ago. I can barely picture Jack...my own son. I can't picture Tim.  

Now if I try again later, I might be able to picture some of them or all of them. 

My mind does not lack an ability to see images. I have vivid dreams. And when I am awake, random images...sometimes faces of people pop into my head. It's more like I can't do it on demand.  

2. Aphantasia could explain why I'm bored by scene descriptions in books. I usually skim over them. I'm usually like, who needs all these details?  But now I'm realizing...if you could read a book and actually get an image in your head, how magical that would be.

It also helps me understand why people push books over watching TV.  In the past, I've kind of thought. They're all stories. Who cares if you get the story from words on a page or actors on a screen?

3. I don't picture book characters in my mind.  Or at least I can't create an image based on a description. I do sometimes look at IMDb lists of books made into movies or that have at least begun casting, so I can imagine the characters.  But I'm not sure if I then actually see the characters OR if I'm more doing it out of curiosity.

4. The whole police sketch thing makes so much more sense to me now. I never could understand how someone could describe, in detail, a person they saw for a few traumatized moments. Even if it was not for a few moments....even if it was for many awful moments, I don't think I could do it.  Well, even if someone was sitting right in front of me, I'm not sure I'd have the right vocabulary.  That aside, though, I I wouldn't be able to hold a strong enough image in my head to describe them. I probably wouldn't be able to picture them at all, period. 

5. It now makes much more sense why my past life regression hypnosis experience was so disappointing. It seemed to me that for other people, it's like watching themselves in a movie...or feeling like you're actually there.  I just got very vague images or ideas. It was more like dull flashes. I mean not dull as in boring but dull as the opposite of vivid.  

When first learning about aphantasia, I  probably did overestimate the abilities of the average person. I started to think that other people had like some kind of super power where they could think of something and have it appear clearly in front of them.  Watching The Queen's Gambit set me straight. Because when Beth Harmon (Anya Taylor-Joy) sees the chess board on the ceiling of the orphanage, it seemed like this was being presented as quite an extraordinary ability.  

I guess the average person lies somewhere between what I can do and what Beth Harmon can do.  

Anyway.....

Aphantasia isn't always limited to sight. It can effect the other senses as well.

I am pretty sure I used to be able to imagine smells and tastes.

I say used to, because....

I was listening to the Imagineer Podcast about the best Disney smells.  They talked about a smell called Ocean Breeze.  I didn't remember it. I asked Jack about it, and he said he knew what they were talking about.  This made me come to the realization that not only could I not imagine or remember that smell, but I could also not remember other classic smells like the bromine.  Nor can I smell the orange blossoms in my head.

My mind has gone blank.

I started asking myself, could you EVER smell these things in your mind?  Maybe you never had the ability.  

Then I started realizing I can't really imagine tastes in my mind. And I'm almost positive I COULD do that in the past. Because this is how I'd know if I had a taste for a certain food. I could taste it in my mind and that would make me want it in real life.  

I don't think the taste memory thing is completely gone. I still can sometimes sort of imagine how something tastes. But it's been greatly reduced.

Why?

I don't know.

I also don't know when the ability began to fade.  

If anyone reading this is wondering if they might have aphantasia, there's a test you can take on this website. Or you might be curious about whether you have the opposite—hyperphantasia.  The test can't give us a perfect diagnosis, though. Because what one person thinks is a moderately realistic image, another might label it as dim and vague...

If you want to know more about aphantasia, the same website has an FAQ

I do have some self-pity for not having a super power...or even a power that most people have. Even if it's not at Beth Harmon's level, it does seem pretty magical. And I have even more self-pity for losing a power that I used to have.

But on balance, I've come to realize I have closed-eye hallucinations...which are really cool.  Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see random things. Sometimes I see what looks to be galaxies of stars spinning around. Other times I see what seems to be cartoon characters on fast forward. I saw some kind of chart a few weeks ago. It was moving so fast, I couldn't read it.  But it seemed kind of important. I mean it felt like I was chosen to receive super important information. That made me feel like I kind of had a super power.    

 

I can't really remember what this taste liked
or smelled like. But I know I liked it.

 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Tuesday Update

First things first.

I now like Broadchurch.

The other day I had been thinking to myself, why in the world would I want to be watching a show where everyone is unhappy, because a very bad thing happened to a child.

Okay, but then we were watching the show. I started warming to it a little bit. They had a scene with the townspeople having a meeting with the police at the school. I turned to Tim and told him that it reminded me of Dark.

Because Dark has a scene with the townspeople meeting at the school. And guess what, Dark is about a child who goes missing in a small town. And like Broadchurch, the town is filled with unhappy people. 

Dark is very dark.

Then I soon realized that I love yet another show with a bad thing happening to a child and a bunch of unhappy townspeople. That's Fortitude. In this one, the show begins with a young child getting a horrible case of frost bite.

I noticed another interesting similarity between the three shows, but I think it's too much of a spoiler. So what I'm going to do is put the spoiler way at the bottom of this post.  That way, people can skip if they want. 

It's actually not a huge spoiler. It's just not something you're likely to get from reading or seeing a brief promo of the show. 

Anyway, I AM liking Broadchurch a lot now. I think, though, that I might end up liking it less than Dark and Fortitude, because those two have supernatural elements. I THINK Broadchurch is straight murder mystery. Though there is a psychic. But I'm not sure if they're going to go with the message that psychics are fake and predatory, or they're going to take a more magical realism path.  

Or I could be totally wrong, and young Danny Latimer (Oskar McNamara) was kidnapped by demons. 

Other stuff....

I'm liking Shameless a lot.  Yesterday I watched the Aunt Ginger episode.

As for Coronation Street, I felt some regret for saying that Shona (Julie Goulding and David (Jack P Shepherd) are my favorite couple. I love them. But I also must say that Tim (Joe Duttine) and Sally (Sally Dynevor) are my other favorite couple. I hope they remain a couple for longer than what's average for soap opera couples. 

I finished A Tale for the Time Being and am in the process of selecting my next book. 

I've downloaded The Silkworm by Robert Galbraith (JK Rowling) and started reading it. I'm not liking it so much, but I'm going to give it another chapter or two.

I read the first book in the series years ago and didn't like it very much. But I thought maybe I was having too many Harry Potter desires at the time. 

I have liked Rowling's other two non-Harry Potter books, though—The Casual Vacancy and The Ickabog. 

The vote tracking website I've been following has been finally updated. I've been so excited about tracking the votes in our Congress. The last one was on Friday at 10:31 when the Senate confirmed Loyd Austin as Secretary of Defense.

I had to then wait through the weekend. I hoped to see some action Monday and kept checking.  Well, I guess I checked during the day and not into the evening. Because something finally did happen at 5:30.  The Senate confirmed Janet Yellen as Secretary of the Treasury.  She got passed 84-15.  Democrats all said Yeah. Republicans were split. I think it's good news for us Democrats if the Republicans are split a lot...just because it means some of them are willing to step outside the party and help us get things passed.  

The same players who heavily pushed the of election fraud narrative and/or fawn over Trump are some of the ones who voted against Yellen: Ted Cruz, Marsha Blackburn, Josh Hawley, Rand Paul.....

I'm glad to see that Lindsay Graham and Mitch McConnell are being more cooperative. 

On Duolingo, I've finished with the French lesson "Emergency" and shall be moving onto "Dream Trip".

I'm still listening to the recording of Trump and Raffensperger; though Washington Post reloaded or something, and started me back at the beginning. I'm trying to find my place. The last time I posted I was at 37 minutes. So I think I'm a few minutes past that.  

I'm still working on revising my The Dead are Online (version A) Screenplay and still reading about the McGinley's 2014 trip to Peru. 

In part of my morning YouTube adventures, I watched this The Daily Show video pointing out the hypocrisy of Fox News—complaints about the mainstream media being too gentle with Biden intercut with Fox News pundits kissing Trump's ass.  

In other YouTube news, yesterday or the day before I watched The Take's video about gaslighting. I liked how they defined gaslighting and how they showed examples in film and television...ESPECIALLY because they actually mentioned Coronation Street! That was very exciting to me. They don't often mention non-American shows.  

The term gaslighting is thrown around so much these days. I think it's become if you don't like someone's opinion or the way they've treated you, you accuse them of gaslighting.

I personally feel it should have a more narrow definition and I go along with what The Take says. It's a type of behavior/abuse that leads the victim to question their reality and/or mental health. Or I should say it ATTEMPTS to lead the victim.....

Gaslighting doesn't always work.  

I was going to say that the more people are aware of gaslighting, the less it will work...the less it will hurt people. I used to think that. But now I think the gaslighters know the term, and they're going to use it against their victims.

So someone might say to their parent, I was traumatized by you cooking my pet rabbit for dinner and then gaslighting me about it when I brought it up later. Then the parent is likely going to say. I never killed your pet rabbit. What the hell are you talking about? You're just making things up! You're gaslighting ME and trying to make me imagine I was a bad parent. How dare you!

I don't want to end on that note, so I'll say a bit about food.

My new thing is eating oatmeal with milk and cinnamon. No added sugar. And I'm into green tea.

It sounds like I'm a healthy person. But trust me. I'm not. I love junk food and sugar. I eat too much of it. But I'm weird. With certain things, I don't like them sweetened. I prefer oatmeal unsweetened. With the cinnamon and sugar in the milk, it's sweet enough. And I also don't like sugar in my tea. 

But see...I will sit there and eat sugar cubes plan...just stick them in my mouth.

Another weird thing is Tim recently bought pumpernickel bread. I love pumpernickel bread. I also love bread with butter. But I've come to realize, I do NOT like butter on pumpernickel bread. I like it completely dry.

  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Spoiler: Okay, so in all three of the shows, Broadchurch, Fortitude, and Dark...the father of the dead, missing, or injured child is having an affair.  In both Broadchurch and Fortitude, the dad is doing adultery things the night the bad things happen to the child. In Dark, I can't remember if that's the case.  From what I can remember, most of the town's adults were at a party. I don't think there was any sex happening with the Dad, but I think there was some secret flirting.  

Just Eat the Peanut Butter Cookie

Let's say there's a first grade classroom.

Elizabeth is passing out treats she made with her mother—peanut butter cookies.

She comes to her classmate Lily.  

Instead of reaching out and taking the cookie, Lily takes steps backward.  I can't. I'm allergic.

Come on! It's fine, Elizabeth says. They're really yummy. My mom and I worked really hard to make them. 

I'll die if I eat them.

You won't die! Elizabeth laughs. Trust me. I've eaten them all my life. And I'm fine. They're not poison!  The only way you'll die is if you like try to swallow them whole and end up choking. Just don't do that.

Lily shakes her head and takes more steps backward.

Elizabeth rolls her eyes; then walks away. She mumbles under her breath. Your loss.

Elizabeth's ignorance leads to her lack of empathy. 

And it's not just any kind of ignorance. It's willing ignorance.  If she was open-minded enough, she could have stopped and listened to what Lily was saying. She could have asked what Lily meant by the whole allergic-to-peanut-butter-cookies thing. 

But what Elizabeth has is the mindset, that if it works okay for me, it should work okay for you.

It's an empathy where people can walk in other people's shoes...as long as they're wearing the same shoes.

In conversations about police brutality and murder of Black people, some Trump supporters will push the message that Black people will not be harmed as long as they act obedient with the police.

They say this, because it is very likely that this is what they have been taught. This is what they've seen on TV and movies. And this is what they have experienced.

Those of us with light skin have learned that if we are polite with the police, the worst that will happen to us is we'll get a ticket. We might even get off with just a lecture.  

Well, I'm talking about with things like speeding or running through a stop sign. Hopefully, politeness wouldn't easily get us out of a murder, rape or robbery charge.  Though if we're white, have that superficial charm skill going for us, and can afford a really good lawyer....hey, who knows what we can get away with.

When it comes to Black people, politeness and obedience doesn't guarantee they'll come out of the situation alive.  

And then there's the question of whether it's possible to be perfectly polite and obedient when you're terrified.

When I was driving, I was very scared and nervous about the police. And it was simply just for the threat of being scolded. It was about shame and embarrassment. 

I didn't worry about the police killing me or severely injuring me. I didn't even worry about them giving me a little pinch. 

I can't remember exactly how I behaved when the police did stop me. But I imagine I wasn't perfectly, wonderfully poised. My voice probably shook. I probably looked shifty...guilty. I probably acted like someone who had pounds of cocaine hidden in my trunk. Or a dead body.

Now...what if all my life I had seen stories on the news about police shooting unarmed Jewish women? What if my parents warned me to be careful of the police, because they killed Jewish women and were often not fired and very rarely prosecuted?

What if they gave me instructions on how to behave, so the police are less likely to kill me, but from what I've seen and heard, it seems even if I try to follow those instructions, I might still be murdered.

Then I would probably be very flustered.

I'd probably fail to clearly hear the instructions of the police. I would probably be making mistakes, because being terrified makes it hard to listen and follow directions.

In a split second, I might decide that justice doesn't work in favor of people like me...and I might go into flight or fight mode.  

Is it understandable for a police officer to become nervous when a Black person goes into flight or fight mode?

Certainly. And maybe they go into fight or flight mode as well.

BUT I would hope that they'd be strong enough and trained well enough, and.....

Psychologically fit enough....

Well, I would think they could use some cool Ninja moves to restrain and calm the person in custody rather than shoot someone seven times or kneel on someone's neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds.

I'm being generous, though, with the fight or flight mode thing. I think in most cases it's more likely racism plus looking for excuses to kill a Black person plus knowing that it's quite likely they'll get away with it. They can bully. They can murder. They can terrorize. They can brutalize. And the police union, President Trump, and Trump supporters will have THEIR back.

Although...HOPEFULLY that will be less the case for now on.  Well, it's still the case that Trump, his supporters, and the police union will be sympathetic towards the police who brutalize and murder. But hopefully, the opposition to all of that and all of them is getting stronger and stronger. 

When Lily refused the peanut butter cookies, no one in the classroom spoke up for her. And where was the teacher? Why didn't she intervene?  And why the hell were peanut butter cookies allowed in a classroom with a deathly allergic child in the first place?  

Elizabeth might never change. She might always be small-minded. She might always lack empathy. 

Or maybe with pressure and guidance, she might change. She might learn about peanut allergies. She might even become an advocate for those suffering from allergies. Maybe she'll be inspired by her childhood experience to become an allergist.

Who knows.

But let's say, she doesn't change. She remains a pushy little brat. Well, what I'd hope is that, if this is the case, she'd be the one marginalized by the teacher, her classmates, and the anti-peanut rules...instead of Lily being the marginalized one.  

In the same way, I hope Trump supporters, with their lack of empathy and willing ignorance regarding the unfairness and danger of our justice system, become more and more marginalized by society. I hope they become a pathetic quiet whisper drowned out by the roar of progressive change.  

Anyway....

I just wanted to add some links to videos that have helped me better understand things regarding the police, police brutality, feelings towards the police, etc.

1. Copaganda-How Cop Shows Lie to You...from the Daily Show

2. Why did the Police Shoot Jacob Blake from the Daily Show. 

3. The Hero Cop Trope-A Controversial History from The Take 

4. Police: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.  (And let me just add that I was cruelly prejudiced against John Oliver until seeing this video. But now my anti-John Oliver feelings have melted away). 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Australian Food

I did something today that I haven't done in a long time.

I ordered a package of Australian food.

Why haven't I done that in awhile?

Because A) I'm much less obsessed with Australia and B) When we want international food (including Australian) we pick it up at World Market.

A few months ago, we talked about ordering for a change, but none of us got around to actually doing it.

Today I finally did it. 

After completing my order and paying for it, I remembered that it's probably a good idea to make it a very occasional kind of thing. The delivery price is expensive!!  Well, at least it is compared to Amazon Prime. I'm so used to getting free deliveries. 

I know not every company has the billions-of-dollars ability to offer free delivery. I think we need to make a point of supporting NOT-Amazon delivery.

But I do wish Aussie Food Express offered one of those free deliveries if you spend a certain amount. Because I think I'd be willing to spend that amount.

It wouldn't be hard, because there are bags of candy on there that cost 8 dollars. And I don't think they're big bags. 

I bought one 8 dollar bag of candy. I was about to buy two, because I misread the price. I was going to get Allen's Party Mix AND Allen's Retro Party Mix.  I ended up getting only the regular party mix.

I also ordered two boxes of Shapes—pizza flavor and bacon and cheese.

From the Clearance section, I got Iced Vo Vo's, Marie cookies, and Mango licorice. Although now I see the price has been reduced even more!  Reduced and sold out for the Iced Vo Vo's.  When I ordered, it was 2 dollar something. Now it's 97 cents.

I also got another party mix; this one from a company called Lolliland.  I don't think I've ever heard of that. It's three dollars cheaper than the Allens, so I guess it's a generic-type brand. We used to get stuff from...I think it's Black and Yellow?  I wonder if that's still around at all. 

Well, I just Googled. It's Black and Gold, not Black and Yellow.

I don't think the Aussie Food Express has anything from there.

Now I'm looking at the Lolliland website.  It's a wholesaler.  Hopefully we'll like their party mix better than Allens. If we do, then next time we order Australian food, maybe we'll just stick to Lolliland. 

I was just thinking of Amazon and...well, delivery is not exactly free, because you have to join Amazon Prime.  BUT that also includes some of the TV shows we watch. So we can kind of think of it as we ordered their streaming service and as a bonus we get free delivery of stuff.

We don't get any free delivery from Hulu, Netflix, or Disney Plus. 

What We Didn't Do at Disney in December

We went to Disney World in December.  It was a great trip, but I have some difficult feelings regarding it, because we failed to fulfill some of our usual traditions.

I SHOULD just concentrate on the positive, but this is my blog and I want to dwell a bit on our failures.

So...here's what we didn't do.

1. We didn't go on Everest. Well, Jack went on it. Tim and I did not. I feel extra regret about this, because Jack and I also didn't ride Everest when we visited last April. So that's two trips in a row in which I failed to have an encounter with the Yeti. This is really bad, because our cat is named after that Yeti. 

2. We didn't get ice-cream at the Anandapur Ice-cream Truck. We almost always get ice-cream there. I mean not every time we go to Animal Kingdom but usually at least once per trip. Actually, though, I think we skipped this as well in April. I'm not sure we even went to Animal Kingdom at all in April. For the most part, we kept to Magic Kingdom and Epcot. 

3. I never went into the shop at the Norway Pavilion. I am pretty sure there has never been a time, before this trip that I did not go into that store...multiple times.  What's really sweet, though, is Jack surprised me later, at home, by ordering me the Norwegian perfume they have at the shop. 

4. We did not get the snow cone in Japan!  This is mostly Tim's thing.  The Anandapur Ice-cream is mine. But we share the snow cone and the ice-cream, so it was kind of a loss for all of us.

5. I didn't ride three Magic Kingdom rides that I almost always ride: Tomorrowland Transit Authority, It's a Small World, and Big Thunder Mountain. 

I still feel weird about missing those.

But you know what?  The reason I missed all three? I wasn't in the mood. And the same goes for the ice-cream and Everest. Maybe that's why I have the regret. It's like I feel guilty, because I didn't partake in these things by choice.  I think it would be different if I had wanted to go on and we ran out of time or it was closed.

Except Norway.  That actually was about running out of time. Or...running out of energy. On the last day, I started heading over there.  It was hot and crowded.  Then I saw Jack exiting the Norway Pavilion.  He was heading towards China or Japan to get a drink. I love the Norway store but love being with Jack even more. And he's going away to college soon.....

So I walked with him, thinking maybe I'd turn back around later and go to Norway.  I never did.

I think that's about it for the the things we missed...AND regret.  It's not a full list of every missed attraction.  There's a lot of those. It's impossible to go on every ride, see every show, visit every store, and eat at every restaurant on each of Disney Trip.  There's just certain things that become traditions, and it's hard to miss those. 

On the other hand, we did do some new/unusual things. Well, some of the things are unusual for us...not unusual for people in general.

1. We went on Rise of the Resistance. Twice!  And Tim went on three times!  Our first ride was on the day it opened. I'm so proud of the that fact.

We were boarding group 42.

The ride was fantastic...though probably more appreciated by longtime Star Wars fans. (Tim and Jack fit much better into that category than I do).

What I liked even more was the hassle getting onto the ride. It was such an adventure. We got up before 6 am, rushing to the park. We thought we'd be standing outside the entrance for hours or, worse, told that everyone else got there three hours ago, and the ride was already booked up for the day.

Instead, Disney opened the gates AND the rides. We got to experience short lines in Toy Story Land...which is a rare treat.

2. We rode the gondolas for the first time. That was lovely.  It would have been less lovely if we got trapped up there in the hot weather and had to pee or poo. But that never happened.

3. We ate Mickey Ice-cream treats. We rarely get those. But we did this time, because we did the Magic Kingdom After Hours event. This includes all you can eat ice-cream and popcorn. So, of course, we had to partake in all of that.

You know how you sometimes look back at a food. You miss it and look forward to having it again. I do NOT feel that way about Mickey Ice-cream.  And it's not that I ate a huge amount. I had one and half ice-cream sandwiches.  And yeah. Anything more than one is a lot. But it's not like I had like ten of those things.

We had been so excited about it, though. Even though we're not really into it.

I guess what I learned on that trip is that food doesn't necessarily taste better when it's free.

4. I spent a lot of time chilling at the Beach Club and Boardwalk area. I feel often we spend so much time at the park and neglect the resort areas. But on this trip, I spent a lot of time sitting on the benches outside and the comfy chairs in the various lobbies.  I was going to mention walking around the area, but I actually walk around the area on most trips.  So the walking part wasn't unusual.

5. We ate at the new Japanese Signature Restaurant—Takumi Tei. 

The food was really good.  BUT...strangely, it made me crave the much cheaper mainstream sushi restaurants.  My craving was fulfilled a few days later in Gainesville, and I actually enjoyed that food better. Don't ask me why.

6. We ate at PizzeRizzo in Hollywood Studios. That place always seems to be closed, but this time it was open. The pizza tasted better than it looked. It made me nauseous, though. But that happens to me a lot when I eat pizza, so...not the fault of the rats.

7. I rode Tower of Terror not-alone!!!  In previous visits, Tim and Jack would never go on, so I'd have to go on. I stopped a year or so ago, because it made me feel lonely. I mean I think it's great to go on Disney rides alone.  But there's something about Tower of Terror.....

Anyway, Tim and Jack finally decided to try the ride. And they both loved it!  I ended up going on...I think four times? And never alone!

8. We watched a full Fireworks show. I feel bad that this is rare, because Tim likes fireworks.  I mean not that I stop him from watching. But it doesn't usually become a family event. I'm more in the camp of let's take advantage of the shorter lines while everyone else is watching fireworks. Or actually more often...I'm in the camp of it's about time for me to start heading to bed.

But the fireworks show was starting around the time we arrived for After Hours. It was easier to just hang out with the crowd instead of fighting past the crowd.  And I knew the ride lines would be short once the After Hours event officially began, so there was less of a frantic rush to get to the rides. 

The lights and the music was lovely. I think it gave me a few tears. 

That's about it. I think.

But before I end this post....

I feel I should also briefly list the old favorites that we (or I) did NOT fail to experience.

So that would be: The Haunted Mansion, Splash Mountain, Spaceship Earth, the Mexico Ride, Soarin, Living with the Land!!! (I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I missed that one), the bakery at France, the bakery at Norway (several visits, actually), the ice-cream at the French crepe kiosk, the Japan store, the UK store, Sunshine Seasons.....

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Gill Wilkinson

Gill Wilkinson is a director for Coronation Street.

She directed the episode I'm watching today. Or that I watched today.

I can't remember if I finished it.

The thing is, I don't usually watch my shows all in one sitting. Because I'm weird.

What I do is break it up into ten minute segments. Then in-between I read my book, do some chores, look at houses, check texts, do some Duolingo, etc.

* * *

I wasn't actually sure if Wilkinson is a man or woman. I'm not really familar with the name Gill. I've heard of Gil, and I think of that as a man's name.

So I Googled and saw that Gill Wilkinson is a woman. I checked, because as I wrote in my Daniel Chun post, I'm doing my new biography posts on women and non-white males only.  

* * *

Now I'm looking at Wilkinson's IMDb filmography.

I imagined this post was going to have me digging far back into Coronation Street history, but it turns out Wilkinson started her Corrie directing in 2016.

I go farther back than her.

I actually can't remember what year I started watching. But I think I started with the 2012 episodes. I mean I started with episodes that were a year or two behind from when I started watching.   

Well, I'm pretty sure it was after we went to Australia in 2013.  

I'm guessing it was 2014 or 2015?  

Anyway, for awhile I was a few years behind. But eventually I caught up...well, I caught up as much as you can with Hulu.  

Hulu is about two weeks behind the episodes being broadcast in the UK.

Since I'm behind, I get spoilers from Coronation Street's Instagram page. I don't really mind. I probably kind of like it. Because if I did mind, I'd stop following them. Right? 

Right now the loan shark storyline with Gary (Mikey North) and Rick (Greg Wood) is really stressing me out.  I'm seeing that it's not being featured in the latest Instagram posts I've seen which makes me think the story has been resolved. I'm feeling some relief because of this.

I hope I'm not wrong, though.  

I think some fictional conflict intrigues and entertains me.

Then other conflict causes me stress. I just want it to end.  

* * *

Anyway, let me finally start with the filmography.

It does not begin with Coronation Street.

It begins with a 1995 TV movie called The Golden Collar.

IMDb doesn't have much info about it.

Are there any names in the cast I recognize?

No.

But for some reason, the art director's name sounds familar to me. 

Anita Gupta?

I'm probably thinking of someone with a similar name. Because I'm not very familar with art directors.

Yeah. Looking at Gupta's filmography.  Nothing really seems familar to me.

I also Googled The Golden Collar. I can't easily find anything about it.

Moving on.....

The next thing on Wilkinson's filmography is a TV show called Peak Practice.  It's a doctor show.

Wilkinson directed two episodes—"Walls of Jericho" in 2000 and "Together We Stand" in 2001.

One of the actors in the credits seems familar to me.

John Bowler?

Well, he was on Coronation Street in 2002. That was way before my time.

* * *

Here's a promo for Peak Practice.

It looks like a typical small town British doctor kind of thing.

Well, I'm getting that not just from the promo but also the provided photo on IMDb. Actually I'm getting it MORE from the IMDb photo. The TV promo feels more like a law thing.

I think one of the doctors is in trouble.

Peak Practice was on for 12 seasons.

What is it with medical shows? They seem to go on forever!

* * *

The next show is a sports story called Dream Team.

Wilkinson wrote one episode.

And guess who was one of the stars of the show.

Alison King!  She's Carla on Coronation Street.

I never liked Carla until now. Now that she's had a psychotic breakdown, finally, she's interesting to me and sympathetic.  

I tend to like fictional characters who have lost the plot a bit. I really don't think it would be the same with real life people. Then I'd be sad, stressed, and worried.  

Well, and with fictional characters it depends on how they're treating people. Carla's breakdown has rendered her pretty meek and harmless.

Johnny (Richard Hawley) had a breakdown when his son died. He became incredibly cruel. Abusive. I lacked sympathy for him...even though he just lost his child.  I mean I felt actual hatred towards him. Sort of cold-hearted of me.  BUT I did totally forgive him once he recovered and his behavior changed.

Oh yeah. 

Back to....

Dream Team.

I forgot what I was supposed to be writing about. 

Wilkinson's episode was in season 6-"Hit and Run". 

Alison King wasn't in it.  

Someone has uploaded the episode. I'm going to watch a bit of it.

There's some missing money—millions. 

The show has some very dramatic music.

* * *

Oh shit.

I missed up on the chronological stuff...AGAIN.

I will probably do this at least once in every post.

So it wasn't from The Golden Collar to Peak Practice. Wilkinson did directing for four different shows in the 1990's, before Peak Practice.

What messes me up with IMDb is they list shows in order of the show's ending.

So, since Coronation Street is still running, it's listed last.

Or maybe it's also about the year the person stopped working for the show?  

Yeah. That's it.

Because Eastenders and Hollyoaks is lower on the list, and those two are still on the air.

Anyway, what I think I'm going to do is stop trying to be chronological and just go in the order of how the shows are listed on IMdb.

* * *

So, next is something called Byker Grove. Wilkinson wrote 28 episodes between 1996 and 2003.

Tim and I have given kudos to the UK for not having their shows drag on like American shows. But so far, here, I'm seeing British shows with very long runs.  

Byker Grove lasted for 18 seasons!

Though maybe it's a soap opera.

Those DO last many, many years...if successful. I think it's kind of awesome to have a long running soap opera.

Well...no. I might be wrong.

I just clicked on a random season and it had only 20 episodes. That's too short for a soap opera. At least in terms of the typical soap opera that's on multiple times a week. I know there are American shows considered soap operas (Dallas, Dynasty, etc), and those were weekly.  

I'm consulting Lord Wiki about Byker Grove. He doesn't refer to it as a soap opera. He says it was a show aimed at older teens and young adults.

It's about kids at a youth club.

I'm going to look at one of Wilkinson's episodes. 

Well, that wasn't very exciting.

There's not much information there. They don't even provide much cast information.

This one is better. It even has a plot description: Harry gets rich and a surprise party for Brigid turns sour.

I wonder what happens at that surprise party.

* * *

The next show on Wilkinson's filmography is Family Affairs.  She directed 49 episodes from 2003-2005. 

And now I can see that soap operas look different on IMDb. There are no seasons. Instead there's just a very long list of episodes. I've seen this when looking through Coronation Street.  It's kind of a pain, because you have to do a hell of a lot of scrolling to get to the episode you want.

Well...wait.

It seems if you use the website instead of the app, the show is divided by years. That would be easier to work with.

Anyway....

I think what I'll do is look at Wilkinson's first and last episode.

The first aired on November 24, 2003. That would be two days after my 31 birthday.

And that's all I can say really, because there's not much info provided by IMDb. Not even actors.

Actually, the only name provided is Wilkinson's!

So, what about the last episode?

Nope. Nothing there either. Except that it was broadcast on May 27, 2005.

On the main page for the show, they do list the cast. I'm going to look through and see if any faces or names look familar to me.

David Easter? Do I know that name?

Or am I just thinking of the holiday?

Probably just the holiday.

Jemma Walker!?

That sounds very familar. 

Nope. Another false alarm.

I should probably quite soon.

SPENCER MCLAREN!!!!!!!

I'm so excited to find a name that I actually know. And a face.

He's an Australian who did some acting in the UK.

Was he also on Casualty? I was actually thinking about him today regarding that show. Well, because I saw it on Wilkinson's filmography. I remembered Kip Gamblin spent time on the show and wondered if McLaren was as well. But maybe I confused Casualty with Family Affairs.

Well, I just went and scrolled down on McLaren's filmography. No Casualty. 

I wonder if Wilkinson directed any of McClaren's episodes?

What years was he on?

2005!

So they might have worked together.

I'm going to click on all of McLaren's episodes until I (hopefully) find one that Wilkinson directed.  

Well, I realized that's not going to happen.

Wilkinson's Family Affairs days ended in May 2005 and McLaren's began in October.

I'm glad I figured that out before too much clicking.

* * *

Wilkinson directed eleven episodes of Casualty from 1998-2006. 

I won't try to figure out if she directed Kip Gamblin. It might be a long shot since she didn't direct many episodes.

Here's one of Wilkinson's episodes—"Lost Souls".  It was on TV in October 1999.

Ian Bleasdale.....

His name sounds familar.

And again. Another false alarm.  

Here's Wilkinson's 2006 episode—"Nobody's Perfect".

Ben Price is in that episode. I DO know (of) him. He's Nick on Coronation Street.

I think Nick is a bit of a psychopath. He stole a lot of money from his grandmother. That's bad on it's own. But it's especially cruel, because he's allowed her to believe her deceased boyfriend is the one that stole the money.  

Oh and he might have purposely made a factory roof collapse to collect the insurance money.

I'm at the part where they're hinting towards that. The people who are blessed enough to be caught up might already know if he's guilty or innocent.  

I think Ben Price was probably in more than one episode of Casualty. He might have been one of the stars, because his name is towards the top.

Okay. Yeah. He was in 73 episodes, playing a guy named Nathan Spencer.

* * *

The next show on Wilkinson's filmography lasted only a year (2008). This was The Royal Today. I thought it was going to be about the Royal family. But no. It's about a hospital.  

Wilkinson's 3rd episode dealt with self-harm and a cannabis issue.

Now I'm curious and reading the medical issues of the other Wilkinson episodes.

The first has someone with a grapefruit-drug reaction.  What's the deal with grapefruit causing all these drug interactions? 

What IS it in the grapefruit?  

Looking at Drugs.com.  

Grapefruit has a compound called furanocoumarins that interferes with certain enzymes that break down drugs and toxins.

Cool! I'm glad I finally took the time to look that up.

It's weird that I haven't done it before.

I Googled some more, because I wondered if other foods contain this furanocoumarins. It turns out they do!  Pomelos, seville oranges, and limes!  But there hasn't been enough research, so doctors and pharmacists don't know if it's a risk.

Yikes.  

Other episodes....

The 2nd Wilkinson one deals with a thyroid tumor. The 4th deals with a guy with dizzy spells. 

Oh no! In the 5th one, a guy needs aneurysm surgery.  He goes into the elevator and it breaks down. So the surgeon has to operate him in there.

Holy shit!

* * *

The next show is Grange Hill. 

Wilkinson directed three episodes of that in 2007-2008.  

Oh!

Grange Hill is another family show. And it was very long-running. It was on from 1978-2008. 

Thirty years!

In Wilkinson's first episode, we learn that someone named Baz died of a heart condition.  

And Emma (Daniella Fray) and Kyle (Danny Miller) make love on the rooftops.

I really like the plot of Wilkinson's second episode. While a pedigreed dog show is happening, some other folks have there own competition to find out who has the worst behaved dog. That's cute.

Here's a scene from the dog episode.

The girl in pink is pretty mean.

Wait. There's two girls in pink. The second one seems less awful.

* * *

The Bill.

That's the next show on Gill Wilkinson's filmography. She directed 28 episodes between 1993 and 2008.

Oh!

So The Bill came before The Golden Collar.  Here I had it in my mind that her career began with that mysterious TV movie.

How many episodes of The Bill did she do before The Golden Collar?

Well, she did five episodes before 1995—the year that The Golden Collar was broadcast.

Then there are three episodes IN 1995. But I'm not sure if those were made before, after, or during her adventures with The Golden Collar.

Anyway...about The Bill.

I feel that almost every time I watch a British show and look up an actor, I find The Bill in their filmography. 

But now I have this idea that I'm going to look at the cast of some of Wilkinson's episodes and not recognize anyone.

First of all, though.  How long has The Bill been on? Is it still on?

It is not still on. But it was on for a long time—1984-2010.

Now I'm going to look at some of Wilkinson's episodes.

Her first is called "Having What It Takes".  It's about a young member of a crime family coming into the station to confess a crime.  Wow. That actually sounds kind of interesting. And I'm not a big fan of crime family type storylines.

I'm looking now at Gary Whelan. His name sounds vaguely familar to me. Do I know him from anything? 

Nope! Nothing!

I told you that would happen.

Wait. I should look at more people.....

And moving on......

I'm going to look at more episodes.

There's "Beg, Borrow or Steal".  It's about a loan shark. A violent loan shark. Are there non-violent ones?

The episode was broadcast on my 22nd birthday!

The only actor in this one that looked vaguely familar is Huw Higginson. I think, though, that I might have seen his name in the past couple of days of doing research on Wilkinson. Or maybe Kirsty Fisher. Because Huw was on Home and Away. Maybe he's Australian?

Oh! He IS Australian. Or at least he does acting work in Australia.

He was in the Picnic at Hanging Rock miniseries.

How funny. He was also in the first episode of the third season of The Leftovers.  Jack has been watching that, and the other day I looked at the cast of that episode to see if there were any Australian actors I recognized.

And I would have seen him a few weeks ago in Secret City.

* * *

Here's another episode—"Things That Go Bump in the Night".  It's about a safecracker.

Names seem only very vaguely familar to me.

How about "Red Herrings"?  It's about the theft of fish.

No one looks familar to me.

Maybe I should stop.

This is getting old.

But....

I'll just look at Wilkinson's last episode.  It's a two-parter about sex trafficking.

None of the actor's names are jumping out at me.

* * *

Someone has uploaded Wilkinson's first episode of The Bill onto YouTube. I'm going to watch a little bit of it.  

The theme song is fun.

Maybe the IMDb plot description is wrong. So far, it's not the actual member of the crime family that has come to confess. It's a friend. Or neighbor?

Maybe the crime family guy comes in later?

I just went back to see if it was a neighbor or friend.  It's neither. It's the woman's builder.

Scott Draper the builder (Sean McKenzie) seems proud of his crime. I think the police are trying to figure out whether he's bragging or just trying to relieve his conscious.

Well...skipped ahead to the end.

The police let Scott Draper go. It seems he didn't commit the crime after all. He just wanted to fit in with his crime-family.

That makes sense. It's hard being the black sheep.

* * *

I'm going to move onto the next episode in a moment.

I was thinking, though, that when I get to Coronation Street, I can maybe cross reference some of the cast in Wilkinson's episodes; see if any of the actors were in The Bill. AND maybe they were in a Wilkinson episode.

I'm just not completely ready to let go of The Bill yet.

But for now....I will.

Anyway....

The next show on Wilkinson's filmography is a kid's fantasy show called House of Anubis. It involves a boarding school and an American student.  When one of their number disappears on the same day that an American girl joins their ranks, a group of English boarding school students embarks on solving a mystery.

What?! What are they trying to imply there? That it's the American's fault?

RUDE!

Or is it revenge for all the villains in American movies with British accents?

Wilkinson directed five episodes of House of Anubis is 2012.

Here's the first episode.

There's a Poppy Miller.

That name sounds vaguely familar.

And....

No. I don't know her from anything.

Here's a promo for season 2 of the House of Anubis, the season that Wilkinson wrote for. Interestingly, the announcer has an American accent. (or Canadian). Maybe it was shown in the U.S.  Or Canada?  Canada is probably more likely.

The American is Nina (Nathalia Ramos).

Ramos was actually born in Spain to an Aussie mother. Then she moved to the US. And then...I guess she moved to the UK?

I'm thinking that House of Anubis might have been a joint US-British production.

It turns out Nina isn't the villain. She's the chosen one. Some American exeptionalism?

One of the characters in the trailer has a little dig. He says, It would be the American, wouldn't it.

Yeah.

WHY did they bring in an American to be the chosen one?

It's a bit odd.

* * *

Now I'm consulting Lord Wiki about House of Anubis.

It's based on a Belgium-Dutch show. Maybe in that, all the characters are Dutch and the chosen one is Belgium. Or vice versa.

It seems the show is actually American—filmed in the UK?

It's the first US Nickelodeon show to be filmed outside of North America.

Maybe it was more popular in the UK than the US.  It won the Nickelodeon UK Kid's Choice Awards, but it didn't win for the U.S

Also...I never heard of the show before.

No. I wasn't a kid in 2012.

But I'm a mom and am somewhat aware of Nickelodeon/Disney shows that came out in this century. Like iCarly, Drake and Josh, Victorious, Wizards of Waverley Place, Hannah Montana, etc.

* * *

The next show is Hollyoaks.

A few years ago, I watched one episode of that.

What happened is this:

Tim, Jack, and I used to sit on the couch every evening. We'd eat our dinner there and watch our TV shows together. It was a lovely family time. And no we weren't depriving our offspring of family conversations. Because we were all home most of the day and would chat during breakfast and/or lunch.

Then at some point Jack outgrew TV time.

And then Tim got a temporary job in Atlanta. He commuted back and forth during the week.

I was left alone...and maybe kind of lonely. I mean not lonely all the time. But I missed our TV couch time.

I decided to keep at it by myself. I think one of the reasons is this was also time for Max (our cat) to cuddle in our laps. I didn't want to break THAT tradition!

Tim and I had recently watched Extras which often referenced Emmerdale.

Or wait!

Was it Emmerdale or Eastenders?????

Now I'm not sure.

Well, thanks to Lord Wiki, I now know it's Eastenders.

Is Emmerdale even a soap opera?

Anyway....

I wanted to watch Eastenders, but Hulu didn't have it.

I tried to try another British soap opera. That got me to Hollyoaks.

I didn't like it.

I felt it was too melodramatic.

I want to say it reminded me of 21st century Home and Away, which I wasn't too fond of. But I'm not actually sure that I watched Home and Away before trying Hollyoaks. I'm having timeline confusion!

So....

After watching the episode, I tried Coronation Street. I feel like I tried Corrie immediately after. But maybe I waited until the next day?

I'm not sure.

I'm pretty sure, though, that with Coronation Street it was love at first viewing.

I should probably get more into that later.

I should read/talk about Hollyoaks.

Wilkinson directed nine episodes—four in 1996 and five in 2012.

I'm going to see if there are any actors I recognize.

No one in this 1996 episode looks familar to me.

In the 2012 episodes, James Atherton sounds VERY vaguely familar.

Oh! He played Jamie Bowman in Coronation Street (2015-2016)

I don't remember him.

This reminds me of something I meant to mention.

I was thinking about this post at night...in bed. I realized I totally misspoke when it came to my amazing accomplishment of going from two or so years behind with Corrie; then managing to catch up.

No, that didn't actually happen.

What I forgot is that Hulu lost Coronation Street for a period of time. I think it was several months?

When it returned (Thank goodness!!!!), I decided to start in the most current year rather than going back and watching the entire previous season.

I did watch SOME episodes. What I did was go through the list of episodes, and I watched ones that corresponded to dates meaningful to me. For example, if there was a show that was dated with a family member's birthday, I'd watch that.

Yeah. I'm nuts.

Anyway, this MIGHT explain why I've forgotten Jamie Bowman. Maybe he appeared in the episodes I missed.

Or it could just be I did see him and then forgot about him.

I'm going to Google.....

One of Lord Wiki's cousins is helping me to remember.

I did watch the episodes with Jamie Bowman. He was friends with Luke (Dean Fagen). Or frenemies, really. It was some kind of race car drama thing.

Anyway, I should get back to Wilkinson and back to Hollyoaks. Is there any chance I can find one of her episodes on YouTube?

Well, I did some minor-trying.

And no luck with that.

* * *

The next show on Wilkinson's filmography is Eastenders. NOT Emmerdale.

Wilkinson directed 15 episodes between 2014-2015. They kind of happen in chucks.

There's four in March; only one in June; two in July, four in September; then four in January.

One actress in one of the episodes sounds familar to me. 

Lindsey Coulson?

Oh! She was on Doctor Who!  "Midnight!"  I definitely remember that episode. 

Is she the one that went all weird?

No....

It looks like that would have been Lesley Sharp's character.

* * *

I think I found a scene from one of Wilkinson's March EastEnders episodes.   

There's a woman passing out gifts.

She gives something to a guy named Phil. He seems really stressed. I bet a lone shark is after him!  

Or maybe he's waiting for biopsy results?

Blackmail?

Well, it seems the other adult receivers of the gifts aren't happy either.

It seems maybe they're pissed off at the gift-girl.

The kids in the room seem fairly pleased, though.

Denny's mom annoys me.

Gift-Girl gave Denny a video game. Denny's mom says that Denny doesn't like violent games. But Denny seems quite fine with it.

And Gift-Girl says it's more like Tom and Jerry type violence.

I try to be tolerant of parents who have a different opinion to me regarding not-overly violent kids media. But to sit there and pretend your opinion is your kid's opinion?

That doesn't sit well with me.

I hope I haven't ever done that regarding my own child.

Oh! Gift-Girl was arrested. And Denny's mom remarks that she heard Gift-Girl went completely nuts.  Is that nuts like a mental breakdown or nuts as in doing something wildly illegal?

Maybe both?   

Now Gift-Girl has been accused of being a psychopath.

Is she?

I feel more sympathy towards her in the scene. The other adults seem cold and awful. But maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe they're decent people, and Gift-Girl IS a psychopath? 

Oh! Wait.

I just saw that the video title names the character.

Gift-Girl is Ronnie Mitchell and Denny's mom is Sharon Rickman (played by Samantha Womack and Letitia Dean).

I have to read about Ronnie Mitchell.  Now I'm really curious.

Is she bad?

You know what, though.

I think I could totally get into Eastenders if Hulu had it. Because I just watched 3 minutes of it, and I'm already very curious.

So....

Lord Wiki says that Ronnie killed Carl in self-defense. Carl had been mentioned in the scene by Sharon...in a very accusing-type tone.

Self-defense is not really psychopathic.

BUT Lord Wiki says that Ronnie also tried to poison a guy. What's up with that?

Oh! This is so sad.

Ronnie was told by a girl named Danielle that she's Danielle's mother. Ronnie didn't believe her and rejected her. But then she learns it's true. She goes to apologize and Danielle gets hit by a car and dies.

This leads to Ronnie being obsessed with getting pregnant.

No, she doesn't sound like a psychopath to me. She seems disturbed. Yeah. But probably rightfully so.

I'm glad I didn't misjudge her character when watching the scene.

* * *

Here's another scene from a Wilkinson EastEnders episode.

A young man and woman are looking at homes online and then guess who walks in. Good old Ronnie! She's wearing the same dress as she was wearing in the last scene I watched.  It makes sense, because the last episode was from March 3, and this is from March 4.  

At the end of the scene, there's talk of a police car outside and then some suspenseful music.

* * *

The next show on Wilkinson's filmography is quite recent. 

It's March 2019 episodes of a show called Shakespeare and Hathaway: Private Investigators.

I've not heard of this show before.  

The show began last year.

I went through the cast and clicked on faces and names that looked vaguely familar. Again. Lots of false alarms.

Here's a trailer for the show.

It doesn't really appeal to me, personally.

* * *

And now onto Coronation Street!

Yay!!!!!

Wilkinson's first episode aired on February 15, 2016.

I'm not sure if I watched it or not.

IMDb's Desciption: Robert's plan to surprise Tracy at the wedding fair goes awry due to Carla's presence. Norris decides that a photo shoot will help Sally's cause. Eva endeavours to track down Marta.

I think I remember the Eva and Marta stuff. I think Marta was the woman who was the victim of human-trafficking?  I don't remember the other storylines, though.

I'm going to do what, earlier, I said I might do—click on Corrie actors; see if any were on The Bill, and, if yes, see if any of their The Bill episodes were directed by Wilkenson.

So...Tristan Gemmil who plays Robert on Corrie appeared in six episodes of The Bill in 2001.

I forgot if Wilkinson was directing The Bill in 2001.

Checking now......

Nope.

Connor McIntyre who played the extremely awful Pat Phelan appeared in four episodes of The Bill...each time as a different character.

None of them match up with Wilkinson's episodes.

Finally! I've found someone who has been in a lot of The Bill episodes!  Jane Danson who plays Leanne on Corrie.  She was in several episodes of The Bill, and I think some are Wilkinson episodes.

I'm hoping I can find some on YouTube.

Well, maybe not.  Now I'm seeing that most of Wilkinson episodes were in the 1990's and Danson's episodes were in the 2000's.

I give up. I'm tired of this game.

I'm going to, instead, look at more Corrie episodes.

Here's an episode from February 19: Pat succeeds in turning Anna's public meltdown to his advantage. Nick ponders Carla's suggestion that they leave Weatherfield. Alya's friend Rana turns Zeedan's head. Tim resents Sally's plans for his career.

I'm so glad Pat is dead. He was such an evil manipulator.

Sad about Rana, because she recently died...in that factory roof collapse...that Nick may or may not have caused.

And about a year later: Bethany steels herself to face Sarah after spending the night with Nathan. Toyah tackles Leanne about her continued hostility. Steve and Michelle bid a final goodbye to their son. 

Those were some VERY powerful storylines—sex trafficking of a teenager and a stillborn baby.

I'm pretty sure I did some crying with those.

I wonder if Wilkinson directed a lot of the episodes in that storyline.

The final goodbye of Rory (the baby) was sad, but I think the really heartbreaking episode is where Michelle (Kym Marsh) first loses the baby.  If I remember correctly what happens is the hospital refuses to try to revive him in anyway, because there's some kind of law or hospital rule that says they can't try to save a baby under a certain age.

Well, I just looked.

Wilkinson didn't direct that episode.

The Rory episode that she did was in February 2017. Her most recent episode prior to that was in September 2016.

Funny.

I went to look at the most recent Wilkinson episode, and it's the one I watched today. Gemma (Dolly-Rose Campbell) gets into the wrong caravan. Gary has more lone shark drama.

I hope someone kills that loan shark.

* * *

Now I shall see if I can find any articles or interviews with Gill Wilkinson.

Well, it looks like she has a website. 

It seems to be just a basic resume.

So....

She's from the North of England.  She'd be more Winterfell than King's Landing.

Also, Coronation Street takes place (and is filmed) in the north.  Manchester. That's considered north, right?

I kind of just go by London. To me, North England is above London and South England is below London.

I should probably see what Lord Wiki has to say.

Lord Wiki says it does include Manchester.

He has a lot to say, though, and I'm not in the mood to read all of it. So I'm not going to figure out if he agrees with me about it being everything above London.

I think he'd probably disagree.

He DOES say that there's a lot of disagreement about where it begins.

Back to Wilkinson.

I'm wondering if she wrote the resume, because it talks about herself in third person.

Or maybe it's not a resume. Maybe it's just a short description?

Anyway.....

Wilkinson graduated from two schools—Bournemouth Film School and The National Film and Television School.

* * *

So....

We're having a house-showing today.

We have to be ready in about 45 minutes. I'm taking a break, but I've spent most of the morning and afternoon doing last minute cleaning.

Tim is playing his video game, and I'm left wondering if I'm going to end up needing to do the things I had expected HIM to do—stuff he told me he was going to do or one of those things he does without me nagging.

Is he aware of the time? Is he planning to stop at a certain point to get things done? Or is it going to be a mad stressful rush.

What will really get to me is if I end up doing his jobs, and I get no apologies or thank you's. 

Anyway.....

Enough venting. 

I was going to take this break to look at the film schools Wilkinson went to.

Here's the website for Bournemouth.

I'm guessing it's in a place called Bournemouth.

Is there a place called Bournemouth?

I'm looking at their areas of study—special effects, costume and performance design, creative writing, make-up, film, acting, animation production.

That is so cool.

I wonder if the film area would be for people wanting to be directors. Or is it more cinematography?

* * *

I Googled Bournemouth. 

It's a seaside resort type town in the south.

I wonder if it's known for the film school at all. Is it one of the best film schools in the country?  Did Wilkinson go there because she thought it would be the best school?  Or did she choose the school because of the location?  Maybe she wanted to take some time away from the north?

This website has a list of the best film schools in England. 

I don't know if it's in order, but they do list Bournemouth first. 

How about the other school that Wilkinson went to?  

Here's the website for the National Film and Television School

Oh! Good. Tim DID come down. He's doing dishes now. That's a relief.

Will he have time to wipe down the shower and pick his underpants off the floor?

We shall see.....

Back to the school.....

They have two year programs for people living outside the UK. I'm having fantasies of Jack doing this and getting himself a career in television. Which is really a case of me wanting to redo my life through my child. BAD PARENTING.

Jack does love television, though.

I wonder how hard it is to get accepted into the program. And is it something you do right after high school or are most students older? Is it more of a graduate program?

Oh! Here's the answer. They say:

Students come from a wide range of backgrounds: you may be an independent filmmaker, you might have a degree or you may have experience of working in the industry. While many applicants will have a degree from a British or overseas university, we will consider applicants who do not have a degree if they have an impressive portfolio, a creative track record or an alternative qualification.

I LOVE that. I really admire and appreciate their flexibility.

They also have a really large number of program choices. I actually started naming them all, but then I realized it would be too long.

The programs are located in Beaconsfield.  Lord Wiki says that's 23 miles from London.

Looking at Google Maps. It would be about a 50 minute drive.

Okay. I think I got confused. I thought the programs listed were geared towards international students. But those are their courses in general.

It makes sense now that I know the list was so long.

When I first saw it, I thought it was a short list of programs specifically geared towards international students.

But no. It's a very long list of programs for all students.

I'm looking at their FAQ.  It's definitely a post-college type thing...which was pretty much said in the passage I quoted above.  They want you to be at least 21 and have a degree or three-four years of work experience under your belt.

I wonder about people who didn't get a degree in film. For example, what if they were like Daniel Chun and got a degree in biological anthropology?

Well, I guess if student had an impressive portfolio, the school would consider them. 

* * *

There's some other stuff on Wilkinson's resume thing.

She was a supervising director on the first Croatian soap opera-Zabranjena Ljubav.

YouTube has some episodes of that.

I'll watch a bit of one.

The beginning has a guy making a speech. He looks happy. Or really he looks like he's trying to fake happiness.

Moving on....

Wilkinson made a short film called "Amanda" when she was at the Bournemouth film school. 

I plugged it into YouTube and got this video.  

I mean I plugged "Amanda Gill Wilkinson". I didn't just search for Amanda.

The video is called "Showreel 88-Amanda".  I'm wondering then if it's a mixture of things including "Amanda".  Or is the whole thing "Amanda".

There's a guy in the beginning talking. His voice and accent reminds me of the 10th Doctor.

I'm pretty sure he's not David Tennant, though. 

Okay. No. He's not part of "Amanda". He was just introducing "Amanda".

Amanda is in trouble for something.  She's been told she's going to lose her benefits. She's not at all pleased about this.

Now Amanda has a gun and there's a man throwing papers.

Interesting.....

The film kind of went from realistic drama to somewhat surreal.  

Maybe the gun and paper thing is supposed to be a dream?

* * *

I feel I keep missing things on the resume. I think I'm done with it; then check to make sure I haven't missed something. And I find I missed something!

Such as.....

Wilkinson made some other short films—"Ellie" and "Horses for Courses".  Well, I assume they're short films. They were her graduate films for The National Film and Television School.  Either way. Short or long. One or both films won awards, including best Drama at a Tokyo award thing.

This website (Wilkinson's CV) makes things a little clearer.  It was for "Ellie" that she won the Tokyo award. It also won in a Chicago festival and something called the 3rd Karlovy Vary Festival.

Googling....

Lord Wiki says the Karlovy Vary Festival is a Czech festival.

* * *

I just found an intriguing video featuring a Gill Wilkinson.

It MIGHT be the right Gill Wilkinson, because she has a British accent.

Though maybe Gill Wilkinson is a common name in the UK?

Anyway.....

The video is called "What it's Like to Work With Me-Testimonial by Gil Wilkinson".  It's about a person named Emma Holmes. If I'm understanding things correctly, it's like a video version of a recommendation letter.

It has gotten only two views.

It's about as popular as my uploaded videos.

Okay...so I'm going to watch it now. 

After watching about two minutes, I have decided that it is very likely the wrong Gill Wilkinson.

This Gill Wilkinson is a businesswoman it seems. And I think Emma Holmes helps people with their business stuff. She's probably a consultant.

UNLESS Gill Wilkinson is a filmmaker with a business on the side. Just like Kirsty Fisher is a screenwriter but also had her own stationery company

Well.....

I'm not finding anything else regarding the Gill Wilkinson I WANTED to learn about.

Though I didn't really learn that much about her, I guess I sort of had some fun exploring her filmography.

If anything, it was a nice little journey through British television.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online