Yasmeen Calls Geoff from Prison

This morning I watched a very satisfying scene on Coronation Street.  I think a lot of viewers have been waiting for it for a long time.

Yasmeen (Shelley King) finally and firmly comes to terms with the fact that her husband Geoff (Ian Bartholomew) is abusive and that she's been a victim of his abuse.

She's entertained the idea before. A few people have tried to tell her that Geoff is a horrible person. On multiple occasions, Yasmeen's granddaughter Ayla (Sair Khan) has tried to get Yasmeen to see the light. A few times, Yasmeen had started opening up the idea. But she would shut it down, believing Geoff's victimhood narrative of Alya always being out to get him.  

One of the number one tricks in an abuser's playbook is to get his victim and bystanders to believe that HE himself is the one who is abused.  

But no more.

Hopefully.

What finally turns the tide for Yasmeen is a visit from one of Geoff's exes. She visits Yasmeen in prison and reveals that she went through the same abuse Yasmeen went through. Yasmeen isn't at all receptive. She stands by her man. The visiter takes it in stride and simply suggests that Yasmeen go to the prison library and read about coercive control.

Yasmeen must have found a very well-written and convincing book. Because that book manages to do what Ayla and the prison visiter couldn't do.

Anyway, I wanted to write down the dialogue between Geoff and Yasmeen.  Because it's brilliant and satisfying. And I'll probably comment on it as I transcribe.

Geoff: Hello?

Yasmeen: Hi Geoff!

She's cheerful even though she has wickedness up her sleeve. 

Playing mind games with people isn't a nice thing to do. But playing mind games with an abuser? That has to be excused....and maybe even enjoyed.

Geoff: Boy am I glad you called. You're on the naughty phone?

Naughty phone refers to the phone being a prison cell phone—contraband.

Now if Geoff wasn't an abuser, I think he'd just be making a silly, private joke. But since he IS an abuser, I think his little comment is a dig at Yasmeen. He says it lightheartedly, but it's an attempt at reminding her that SHE is naughty. Obedient, well behaved women don't deserve to be abused. But naughty women who use no-no phones?  That's a different story. 

Yasmeen: Yes, I probably shouldn't stay long.

She's still being quite pleasant.

Now I think all this pleasantness might be partly revenge mind games. But mostly, I think the writers are playing games with the viewer. We're led to believe that Yasmeen is still hooked by Geoff. I think this is so we're more surprised when the phone call goes the other way.

Yasmeen-How are you doing?

Geoff: How do you think I'm doing? I'm lost without you. I feel like my right arm is being cut off. And my left.

That would be maybe romantic if it wasn't coming from an abuser.

But with abusers, when they say stuff like that, it's either love bombing or hoovering.  Love bombing is what abusers do to first reel in their victim. Hoovering is what abusers do to their victims when their victims start walking away.

Geoff: And someone's feeding me mashed up rubbish to keep me alive.

This is in reference to Geoff's son recently being kind enough to bring over a meal to Geoff. 

I wonder if this would be a trigger for Yasmeen. Because part of Geoff's abuse was hating on Yasmeen's cooking, severely limiting how much she was able to buy at the grocery store, killing her favorite hen and feeding it to Yasmeen.....

Yasmeen: It's not a barrel of laughs here either.

Geoff: Well, I'm sure. But at least you know I'm doing all that I can to get you back home. How lucky are you. 

He doesn't show any sign of interest in what Yasmeen is actually going through. A narcissist rarely cares. The important thing to them is what THEY'RE doing to fix things. Narcissists may lack emotional empathy, but they love playing hero. And they thrive on getting credit for it.  

 

Yasmeen: I'm the luckiest woman alive.

I think this is where I knew Yasmeen had some tricks up her sleeve; not just because of her ridiculous hyperbole but also because of her tone...which is hard to describe.

Geoff: It's a nightmare isn't it.

Yasmeen: What is? 

Geoff: Trials. Tribulations. This whole thing is.....

Yasmeen: Heartbreaking?

Geoff: Massively inconvenient for me. 

I would call this...maybe de-hoovering?

I think what happens is an abuser becomes bored with the hoovering, They get bored playing Mr. Nice Guy. So they start throwing in little digs.

Geoff verbally abused Yasmeen; threatened her with a knife. Out of despair and fear, she attacked him and is now in prison. And to Geoff, it's all just inconvenient.

Well, re-listening to that line.

It's not just a dig...as in a basic insult.

It's also a guilt trip. It's manipulative.

It's a reminder to Yasmeen that her presence in Geoff's life is a burden.

Yasmeen: Is it?

Geoff: Oh no. I didn't mean that to sound self-centered. It's just...How can I put this? It almost feels like I'm the one in the spotlight. Unassuming Mr. Cellophane me.

Poor, Poor Geoff.

It REALLY gets to me when people like him play victim.  I hate the whole mask of I'm-such-a-gentle-innocent-person-what-kind-of-monster-would-want-to-hurt-me?

Yasmeen-You know, I'll be home...soon.  By your side. Just you and me. Dream Team. 

Geoff: You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that. 

Yasmeen: I sometimes wonder why I was put on this planet. And the only reason I can come up with is—

Geoff: To make me happy?

It's pretty ugly and self-centered to imagine that someone else on the planet exists solely for our happiness. But it's even worse when that happiness tends to come from the sadistic satisfaction of causing psychological and/or physical suffering.

Geoff: I love you so much.

Silence....

Geoff: And this is where you say it back to me, Dear?

More silence.

Not awkward. But cold....

Geoff: Yasmeen? Are you still there?  Yas?!

Yasmeen: Oh shut up, Geoff.

Yay, Jasmine!

Hearing that was so good for my soul.

I'm kind of re-thinking things.

I thought Yasmeen was playing mind games in the beginning of the conversation; that the book had fully converted her, and she was just waiting to strike.

But maybe what really happened is the book made her think and question. Maybe she was still on the fence but no longer ignorant about emotional, manipulative abuse. Maybe Yasmeen needed to talk to Geoff one more time to get confirmation on the fact that he was what her granddaughter, Geoff's ex, and the book had been trying to tell her.

Yasmeen: I had a visit today.

Geoff: Oh. That's nice. Or wasn't it?

Yasmeen: Illuminating.

Geoff: Was it a traveling torch salesman?

It took me a second to get that. I thought it was some kind of subtle insult. But now I see that it was just a corny joke in response to Yasmeens "illuminating".  Geoff prides himself on being a harmless, dopey, caring man who likes to make corny jokes. That's the persona he tries (and often succeeds in) trying to project.

Yasmeen: You always think you're so funny. Don't you?

Geoff: Yeah.

Yasmeen: When in reality, you are as funny as a car crash.

Geoff: Who was it Yasmeen?

Yasmeen: I had a visit from a woman who said.

Geoff: Said what?

Yasmeen: She said she knew you. Said she'd been in a relationship with you.

Geoff: Who?

Yasmeen: And that you controlled and abused her the same way you did me.

Geoff: I asked you who it was?  

This kind of reminds me of Jonathan Swan asking Trump about the mystery people that Trump kept bringing up in the conversation. But Swan's questions actually have merit. He's like saying...if you're going to vaguely bring up people who agree with your outlandish shit, you need to back it up with specifics.

In contrast, Geoff is demanding to know who, so he can either potentially harm the whistleblower OR try to manipulate Yasmeen into believing the whistleblower is untrustworthy. 

Geoff: You can't bandy those accusations around. On an illegal phone I might add.  Without telling me who you're actually talking about.

Yes. He brings up the illegal phone again.

Let's remind Yasmeen that she does bad things. 

I love how Yasmeen replies (below)

Yasmeen: Well you should know who it is. Shouldn't you? 

Geoff: Should I?

Yasmeen: Unless she's one of many. Like me. A list as long as your arm.

Geoff: You're unbelievable.

Abusive people will rarely give up attempting to get their victim to believe that the victim is the one that's problematic.  

Yasmeen: You lied to me. Didn't you? 

Geoff: About what?

Yasmeen: About those exes. And how they treated you.

Yeah. Okay. I didn't give the full story above. Geoff doesn't paint himself just as the harmless, dopey, caring man who makes corny jokes. He's also the harmless, dopey, caring, silly man who suffered abuse from his exes. Poor, Poor Geoff.

Yasmeen: How they bullied you. Belittled you. Made you feel worthless. 

Geoff: You really are quite something. Aren't you. 

Yasmeen: I believed you. And all the time, you were projecting. 

Geoff: I thought you loved me.

Yasmeen: I did.

I am so thankful she spoke in the past tense.

Yasmeen: In fact. Dear Reader. I married him.

Geoff: And yet you'll believe some random woman's word over mine.

Yasmeen: Correct!

Now I think Geoff's fighting words WOULD have merit if they were in the pre-abuse stage. If a person comes up to us and tells us our darling partner abused them, how do we know that person is telling the truth?  How do we know that it wasn't our partner that was abused and now their ex is trying to further abuse them by turning their new partner against them?  

I'm not saying we should reject warnings. But we should listen to them with an open-mind. We shouldn't dismiss them but nor should we take them as gospel.

If we've already experienced the same abuse, though? That's a totally different story. If we're already seeing it for ourselves...yes, we should definitely believe it.

Geoff: So I was right. Or...Or was I? 

Yasmeen: What are you on about now?

Geoff: No, no, no. I was wrong. Because you're actually more stupid than I thought you were.

The hoovering is officially over.

Yasmeen: You manipulated me. And I fell for it. But I shan't again.  I will never...EVER go back to you again. And even if I'm found guilty, it will be a good result. Because I shan't ever have to go to bed with you.

Yeah. I think the prison of Weatherfield is a much better place to be than at home with Geoff.

Geoff is the real prison.

Yasmeen: And if I'm not guilty, then the same.

Geoff: Well, if that's the way you want to play it. 

Yasmeen: It is.

Geoff: Your choice, bitch.

Yasmeen: Oh. How charming.

Geoff: But just remember this. 

Yasmeen: What?

Geoff: Get used to the view from your window. Because you're going to be in that prison for a very long time! 

The conversation loses a lot written down on my blog.

The actors definitely add a huge bunch to it.

Let me see...if the scene has been uploaded to YouTube.  

Well, in looking for that, I just noticed that I've been spelling Yasmeen's name wrong this whole time. I'm hoping that isn't the case for past posts. But I'm afraid it probably is. 

I'm going to go through and try to change most of those. 

Okay, did that.

I feel better now.

And apologies to Yasmeen for messing up her name so many times. If it's not bad enough, she's had to deal with Geoff. It's like I've been throwing more salt into her wounds. 

The good news is, Coronation Street has uploaded the scene to YouTube. It's much better to see and hear it than just read it. 

Well...I just started watching. Unfortunately, it's not the whole conversation. It skips the pleasantries in the beginning and begins with I had a visit today....

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

  

Watching More of Jonathan Swan's Interview with Trump

Last night I started watching Jonathan Swan's interview with Trump. I had decided to turn my experience into a blog post, because I had learned from Jack that Swan is Australian.

This used to be an Australian blog.

I sometimes miss blogging about Australian stuff.

So that's why I decided to write a post. Well...and also I think writing can be therapeutic.  I think a LOT of us need some kind of therapy after or while we're listening to Trump speak. 

Back to the subject of Australians....

Another Australian I've been introduced to lately is Rod Taylor. He was in the Twilight Zone episode we watched the other night—"And When the Sky Opened". I read through his biography this morning. Then I added some of his movies to my to-watch list. But I'll probably never get to them, because my to-watch list is way too long.

Speaking of to-watch stuff. We were going to take a break from The Twilight Zone after season one and start watching Doctor Who. But now I'm getting really into The Twilight Zone. Tim and I just discussed it, and I think we're going to go ahead and...well, NOT go ahead with watching Doctor Who. But we'll get to it someday, Probably. 

Anyway....I should get back to Jonathan Swan's interview with Trump.

Swan moves away from the Covid 19 discussion and dives into the topic of Russians putting a bounty on American soldiers.  Swan asks if Trump discussed this with Putin during their recent phone call.

Nope. They did not talk about it. The call was for different purposes.

What bullshit. 

And then Trump says many people say it's fake news.

Bringing imaginary people into the conversation to back you up is a manipulation technique.

Well....if it's real people, then I think we call it triangulation; whether it's true or not that the person, brought up, truly agrees with the manipulator. 

I'm not sure what it's called when the people are unnamed or imaginary. 

Swan does his thing of asking who these unnamed people are.

Trump says it's lots of people.

He does actually get specific, saying it's people from the Bush administration.

A lot of people from the Bush administration. Or like...one or two? Or...zero?

Trump tries to change the subject by complaining that no one brings up China. They all want to talk about Russia. And when he says this, he repeats the word "Russia" three times. Is this like a Candyman or Bloody Mary type of thing? 

Maybe Beetlejuice?

Is Trump hoping that Putin will appear and vanquish Jonathan Swan? 

Trump says the intelligence about bounties never reached his desk.

Okay. Let's pretend that this is true.

I think a decent president human being would be furious about this—furious that he wasn't told and furious at Russia for doing it.

Trump seems more preoccupied with his own ego.

Swan asks Trump if he reads his briefs.

Trump says he does. AND he adds that he comprehends really well, probably better than anyone else Swan has interviewed.

Oh my Lord.

Trump has done a cruel disservice to any comedian who does satire. How can any of them compete with him?

My heart goes out to all the comedians. Fuck Trump for messing with their livelihoods.

Trump does some bragging about Afghanistan.

I wonder how long Trump has ever gone in a speech or interview without bragging.

Now I'm on the part about the elections. Swan brings up what Trump said in another interview; that Trump doesn't know if he'd accept the results of the election.

Trump compares his suggestion that he might not accept the results to Clinton complaining about 2016 results.

Swan tries to get Trump to understand that there's a difference between conceding and grumbling about election results and literally refusing to accept the results.

They get into the subject of voting by mail.

Trump says that in World War 1 and World War 2, people went out and voted. But now because of the CHINA virus, people want to vote by mail.

Hello?

I'm not an expert on American history, but.....

Were Americans trying to stay at home and social distance during the war?

Was there a daily threat of bombs?

Were people worried that going to the polls would get them very sick or even kill them?

And you have to remember that in America, being severely ill doesn't just bring the threat of suffering, disability, or death. We also have to be terrified of going into severe financial hardship. 

Now they're on the subject of Ghislaine Maxwell.

It boggles my mind that there are people who believe that Trump is some kind of anti-child-sex trafficking superhero. For those who believe this, how do they reconcile with Trump sending well wishes to a woman arrested for alleged sex crimes?

Do they say it's fake news?

How?

Trump himself is seen and heard saying it.

Do they believe the videos out there are manipulated? 

Trump tries to paint himself as the type of person who wishes EVERYONE well. He's just so kindhearted. He even has sympathy for people arrested for sex crimes against children.

Yeah. Right.

I'd maybe believe it if I hadn't seen his venom against Obama, protesters, athletes kneeling during the national anthem....

Did he wish the Governor of Michigan well when anti-lock down protesters were threatening her life?

Fuck Trump.

And now....he goes into a rant about Antifa.

Why isn't Trump showing anti-fascist people the same TLC he offered Ghislaine Maxwell?

Next subject: racism.

Trump uses the time to brag on and on about how he has done more for Black people than any other president. And things were going so well for Black people until China brought on that virus.

If what Trump says truly had merit, we would see that in terms of the pandemic.

If Black people were doing better in terms of financial hardship and systemic racism, then they wouldn't be dying in disproportionate numbers. 

My feeling is narcissists don't care about how people are actually doing. What the narcissist does care about is the narcissist's "good deeds, their achievements, and their accomplishments. Even if these things didn't actually make things better for the person they brag about helping. 

It's like, I did this for you! BE GRATEFUL! KISS MY ASS!

But I'm still not doing okay.

Well...I don't care about THAT!  The more important question is why aren't you showing me more gratitude. Why aren't you giving me the adoration I deserve?!

Jonathan Swan ends the interview by asking Trump about John Lewis.

Trump's main focus there is that Lewis didn't come to his inauguration. I think this is much more offensive to him than anything Ghislaine Maxwell might have done.

I will have to give Trump credit for how he ends the interview. Swan thanks him for the interview, and Trump does the same. Trump even says it's a great honor. Although he might have been saying it's a great honor for Swan.

By the way, here's something kind of weird.

I had to struggle to hear some of the interview at times. Well, don't worry. I'm not saying. I heard it incorrectly. I'm just saying I had to turn up the volume really loud.

Why? Our next door neighbor is having some trees cut down. And also, there was a weird loud wind chiming sound. I have no idea what that was.

But why is that weird?

Because last night, I dreamed that Tim and I heard loud noises coming from that same neighbor's yard. Then the neighbor came over and asked Tim to help him carry something. Tim and I were both worried about Tim injuring his back doing that.

Well, our neighbor hasn't come over to ask Tim to carry anything. But one of the tree cutters rang our doorbell to ask if they could work from our yard.

So...maybe that dream was a little psychic?

OR maybe they did some of this work yesterday, but I didn't notice it consciously...only subconsciously.

I don't know.....

I also had a psychic dream a week or so ago about The Big Bang Theory.

Maybe I'm suddenly growing psychic powers.

And MAYBE this is a precursor to me growing head-exploding powers. These days, that power would really come in handy. 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Some Problems with the White Savior Trope

Lately I've been very annoyed with the white savior trope.

This is where a story's or situation's focus is on what white people have done to help people who are not within the circle of whiteness.

Movie examples of this include The Help, The Blindside, Green Book, Dances with Wolves, and Avatar.

The funny thing is, I've not seen any of those movies...except for a portion of The Blindside.  I remember finding it annoying. But I can't remember why.

Well, I'm guessing it was the white savior issues. I think maybe I had already been educated in why these types of stories are problematic. If I was ignorant of the issue, I might have been more receptive to the movie.

Although....

Now I'm wondering if I have some kind of natural aversion to the white savior mentality. Because I seem to have been born with an aversion to Avatar. The movie looked very unappealing to me when it came out. AND I kind of hate Pandora in Disney World.

I've also never had any bit of interest in seeing Dances with Wolves. Though I do like the music from it.

The Help did look good to me...before I knew it had white savior issues. The Green Book became a no for me as soon as my parents so strongly recommended it. Then I read about how it has white savior issues, and I understood why my parents would like it so much.

There are probably white savior movies and books that I HAVE enjoyed in the past...back when I was more ignorant of the trope.

So anyway.

I was hating on white savior stuff.

Then Schindler's List came into my head...for some reason. I'm not sure why.

I think that's been labeled as white savior. Even, though, it's white Jews being saved, they're saved by a white gentile. And it's the same sort of mentality. A marginalized, abused group of people is rescued or assisted by a person in the dominant, powerful group.

Well, I'm looking on Google to see if I'm right about Schindler's List being labeled white savior. In this film review, Noah Berlatsky labels it (and The Zookeeper's Wife) as being gentile savior.  That's probably a better term.

Okay, so I was thinking about Schindler's List. And I loved that movie.

When seeing it (multiple times) in the 1990's, I felt no ill will towards Oskar Schindler or other "righteous gentiles" who helped Jews in the Holocaust.

I still don't.

I feel gratitude.

So I started to feel some cognitive dissonance.

Why do I have a problem with storylines or situations that center around white people helping black people but I didn't/don't have problems with storylines centered around gentiles helping Jews?

Well, one thing is, I haven't seen Schindler's List or any gentile savior film lately.

If I saw Schindler's List today, I might be more bothered by it.

And back in the 1990's, I would have probably exited a white savior film feeling choked up and inspired.

Another thing is, I think I've been so annoyed with white savior mentality that I was throwing away the baby with the bathwater.

Well, I definitely wasn't of the mindset that white people should stop helping black people. But maybe I was thinking they should be 100% quiet about it and not expect any recognition or gratitude.

Now after rethinking things, I think white people (or gentiles) should be 90% quiet about it and be satisfied with a very minimal amount of recognition and gratitude.

What I really wanted to talk about in this post, though, is why I don't like the whole white savior thing. Instead, I ended up rambling on about how I might have been judging it too harshly.

So let me try to get to where I actually wanted to be in the first place.

What do I not like about the white savior mentality?

I think there are two main problems with it.

A) By focusing on the positive, it draws attention away from the negative. And when it comes to things like racism, sexism, and anti-semitism, we really need to be not dropping the ball when it comes to the negative.

If we're so touched by a white family adopting a black football player, we might give much less attention to the white policemen who are shooting black men. Or we might not know that black people are STILL slaves, in prison, via the very unfair and racist criminal justice system.

The white savior complex can give people the idea that racism has ended...thanks to nice white people.

When it comes to racism at this point in our history, I think we should be slightly thankful and inspired, but those feelings should be very overshadowed by our anger, concern, and disgust.

Do I have a right to tell people how to feel?

No. Of course not.

But then I'd say put down your Green Book and watch some things like Roots, The Underground, When They See Us, and 13th. And then see how you're feeling. OR just go to this Google Doc and read some of the stories behind the various petitions. 

There's a saying that's been going around. If you're not angry, you're not paying attention.

I agree.

Because, a few years ago, I was one of those people not paying attention.

Michael Brown

Trayvon Martin.

I wasn't paying attention.

I heard the word:  Zimmerman. Hoodie. Police. Stand Your Grand, Ferguson.

I knew it was bad stuff. I knew it was wrong.

But until I started paying attention, I was only THINKING it was wrong...in a vague kind of apathetic way. I wasn't feeling it.

Well, and that wasn't the fault of me being blinded by white savior stuff. I think I was more preoccupied with my Australia obsession and other things.

If I had seen any white savior stuff, though....it might have lulled me further into complacency.

Okay and onto my other reason.....

B) White saviors may be narcissists.

These narcissists may not be officially DSM level narcissists.  But subclinical can be shitty enough.

For narcissistic white saviors, it's not about the cause. It's about the narcissist.

They want recognition. A LOT of it.

They want gratitude. A LOT of it.

I think one sign of this is that the narcissist show very little concern or interest in how the cause is doing after they've finished doing their part.  They made their contribution. They were awesome. Story over.

They're not very interested in updates.

They certainly don't want to hear that the problems are continuing.

There's an attitude of, I donated my time. I donated my money! What more do you want from me?

Well...we just wanted you to know things are still really shitty. We don't necessarily want more of your time or your money. But we want you to listen and understand.

And we'd also like you to stop imagining that you're the main character in this drama!!!!!!

The white savior narcissist downplays the problems of the present and over-glorifies their contributions from the past.

The white savior narcissist cares very little about the actual cause. They care a lot about being one of the main protagonists of the cause.

Well...and I should be fair and open-minded. For some of these narcissists, they didn't do work just in the past. They may be helping in the present as well.  But they're the ones who have to share stories of all or most of their good deeds.

Their Instagram is splattered with selfies taken at protests.

They forward emails of praise and thanks they've received to all their family and friends.

They write long overdramatic emails about how they have helped someone; then to try to soften the braggingness, they add a bit about feeling changed and inspired by the person they helped.

All of this is much less awful when the person truly cares about the cause. I think there are people who can truly care about and work hard for a cause while, at the same time, being overly needy of attention and adoration.

It's much more awful when the person doesn't really give a shit about the cause.  OR...when the person pretends, in public, to be inspired by the people they're helping while in private they act disgusted. There's an attitude of, These damn losers would be completely lost if people like me weren't helping them. 

And maybe this mindset is partly the fault of the white savior or gentile savior tropes. Maybe we'd have less of the above attitude if we'd put more focus on antisemitism stories where Jews are the main protagonists and more racism stories where Black people are the main protagonists.

Or maybe it wouldn't help.

Maybe some people are going to always gravitate towards the white savior stories, because it feels more comfortable to them and more rewarding. But I think there are a lot of other, stronger, people that are open to seeking out movies, shows, books, etc. that turn away from the white savior (or gentile savior) narrative.

On the other hand...when some of us become angry to the point that we've lost all hope and love, a tiny dose of the white savior trope might be the medicine we need.  Well....unless we've become too cynical, and it just pisses us off even more.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

You Have a Lot of Black Friends!

You have a lot of black friends.

You don't judge people on the color of their skin.

You're not racist. 

You don't have a racist bone in your body.

You love black people.

Okay. 

Let's imagine you have a friend.

We'll call her Polly.

Why?  

Because that name just popped into my head.

Anyway...Polly says she is your friend. She tells other people that you and she are friends.

Let's say your parents abuse you. Your whole life they've been letting you know that they think you're worthless, ugly, unimportant, unloveable, dumb, etc.  They've made you feel horrible about yourself.  But you start to fight back. You start to realize they're wrong. 

One day you are talking to Polly. In tears, you proclaim, I am important!  I matter. 

How does Polly respond?  She says, EVERYONE is important. Everyone matters!

Okay. Let's move onto another scenario.  

You are in an abusive relationship. Your partner hits you, kicks you, and throws things at you when he is angry.

You go to your friend Polly, because you need a friend that you can talk to. You tell Polly what your partner has been doing to you.

She says. Yeah. That's not nice of him. But he's not always that bad. Right? Sometimes he just has his bad moments. Everyone has their bad days.  And also, what you should really worry about is how YOU treat you. I've noticed you put on a little weight lately. Are you eating healthy enough? Are you exercising? Are you taking your vitamins?  

Next scenario:

You've been having a really difficult life. Things have always been hard for you. No one has really taken that much notice. And you have felt you almost always have to struggle on your own.  But now a new bad thing has happened to you. It's not actually the worse thing that's happened. Not by a long shot.

But....

The difference is, finally, lots of people have noticed. They are giving you extra attention and extra love.

They are saying, I'm so sorry we didn't pay attention to your crying in the past. This is our fault. We were shitty friends. But now we are going to do everything we can to help you. We are going to fight so hard to help you. 

Polly sees all this happening. She gets angry and says. Why are you getting all this attention? I have problems too. Why is everyone ignoring my problems?

Another scenario:

You've been bullied by your coworkers. Polly works there too. She doesn't bully you, but she also never sticks up for you. She just watches and shrugs her shoulders. 

You ask the bullies to please stop. You also write an email to your boss asking for her to help you. Your boss says to just ignore the bullies. 

No. You're not going to just ignore them. That's not acceptable.

You decide to try something. You don't put on your work uniform one day. Instead you put on an anti-bullying t-shirt.

Polly rolls her eyes when you come into work.

The bullies laugh at you.

Your boss says she understands you don't like being bullied, but the T-shirt is highly offensive and inappropriate. She says wear your uniform tomorrow or don't come back.

You stop wearing the shirt and you go back to wearing your uniform.

The bullying keeps happening. It gets worse and worse.

One day....

Enough becomes enough.

You are so angry. You are so sad.

You take your coffee mug and you throw it. It loudly hits the wall. Then you scream. And you start sobbing.

Polly insists that you calm down. She says, You know. I think it's horrible that you were bullied this week. Of course we all want to help you. But you didn't need to throw the mug and scream like that. You should have just quietly and peacefully said something. Violence helps no one!

So.....

Do you think Polly is a good friend?

If she a supportive friend?

Is she a helpful friend?

If she was your friend, would you feel loved by her?  And would it be a love that helps you stay strong? Would it be a love that helps you feel safe?  

It makes me feel hopeful that so many citizens (around the world!), companies, politicians, etc. are standing strongly behind Black Lives Matter.  Yeah. A little late. A lot late. But better late than never.

And some folks might be doing it because it's the new cool thing to do.  I think even that, though, has glimmers of hope.  Because all of our passions begin somewhere. 

Yes, there will be people who drop the interest as soon as the noise quiets down. 

BUT.... 

There are also going to be people who become huge fighters for Black Lives Matter. They will fight for decades. They might keep fighting until they are old. And they will look back and say, It all started in those days when we were wearing masks and that black man was murdered by the police. His name was George Floyd.  

And there will be presidents, senators, governors, mayors, etc. who truly care about Black Lives Matter, and they will hopefully manage to make some changes.

There will be corporations and other companies that actually truly want to better themselves. Or they don't truly care about black people. But they care about looking good to the people who DO care. So they will make changes that help bring us all to a better place. 

And then there are all the Polly's. 

Maybe some of them will eventually change. They'll become good friends—supportive and loving rather than toxic.

For those that refuse to change?  The ones who won't help. The ones who won't listen. The ones who don't care. The ones who whine, But what about me??? Where is MY parade? Where is MY special month? The ones who scold, Not now! It's not the time! Calm down! Be polite!

Well, I hope they find themselves isolated and disenchanted.  I hope they find themselves lonely in a changed world that no longer entertains and accepts their toxicity. 

Polly can say, I have a lot of friends.

And we'll say. We know this girl named Polly. No. She's not our friend. She's just someone we know. She's pretty damn annoying.  

Instead of Saying it to You I'll Say it To My Blog

Edited to add 11/2022: This was written after a political debate with my right-wing, Trump-supporting parents after I said something along the lines of left people need to speak up against left-wing violence and right-wing people need to speak up against right-wing violence. My dad furiously criticized me for suggesting that the right has anything to do with white supremacists.  

I know they're asking white people like me to talk to our other white people—get them to understand racism and get them to be less racist and more anti-racist.

Sometimes I've not tried hard enough. And sometimes I've tried really hard.

Recently I tried hard.

And I'm realizing that sometimes you can talk and talk...and it's just not going to make a difference.

Some people will never change. They will always be more racist than anti-racist.

Some people will change but not at the speed we wish them too. They might change months later. Years later. Maybe decades later.  The words we spoke might finally sink in and make sense to them. Or not. Maybe they will need words different than ours to get them on the road to being anti-racist.  

But anyway....

Though I have ended the conversation (on my end) because it just felt hopeless, I still have words bubbling up inside me. So I'm going to let them out here.

1. We try to talk about racism. (Because of Amy Cooper. And George Floyd. And also your little joke about hoping a local murder is taken care of in the Chicago Police way)

You counter with black on black crime.  No. No. Of course. You think racism is a problem. But the real problem to you is black on black crime.

I do what I learned on Instagram. I counter with white on white crime.

Yeah. That doesn't seem to work.  

Oh and since black on black crime tactic isn't seeming to work in YOUR favor; it isn't changing the subject away from racism fast enough, you try pivoting further afield to the Democratic hypocrisy regarding the Me Too movement. 

2. A day later, you say the whole country was ready to listen and have a conversation about George Floyd, but the rioters are ruining all that.

But again, when we had tried to have a conversation with YOU about George Floyd, you changed the subject to black on black crime.

3. We're supposed to believe you support peaceful demonstrations. But then why did I never get the message that you supported the athletes kneeling during the national anthem?  You do love to share your political views. So why was there never an email applauding Colin Kaepernick and condemning Trump for his reaction to Kaepernick? 

I mean kneeling quietly during a patriotic song?  How can you get any more peaceful than that? There's no vulgar gestures. No loud voices. No violence. No damage to property. No blocking traffic. 

4. You say protest is okay but violence is not. Really?

Oh. You also say I shouldn't bring anti-semitism and the Holocaust into the conversation. But this is my blog, and I'll do what I want.

So...if violence is not the right way to respond to violence......Because I don't know. Kneeling on someone's neck is pretty fucking violent. Right?  But Black people are not supposed to respond to that violence with their own violence.

If we're going to stand by that philosophy; then how about this?

When the Palestinians throw rocks at the Israeli soldiers or dig tunnels in pursuit of hurting Israeli citizens, why do the Israeli soldiers fight back?  Why don't THEY turn the other cheek?

Is it okay for them to fight back, because they're Jewish?

Is that what it means for Jews to be the chosen people?  That they are allowed to fight back against harm, but others are not?

5. You say that you would support.  No wait. You would LEAD a revolution if it were Nazis that were governing us. A revolution that would involve destruction of Nazi property and the killing of Nazis. 

Okay.

And would you still lead that revolution if Jews aren't the main target? What if Muslims are the target? What if it's Hispanic people? Black people? Gay people? 

Would you still want to be the leader of the revolution?  

Would you at least join the revolution? 

Or would you be one of the people speaking out against the revolution?

Let's just be traditional and say the Nazis have once again chosen Jews as their main target.  When would you start your revolution?  

After a million Jews are murdered? A thousand? A hundred? A handful? 

When would it start to matter to you—matter enough that you'd be willing to start your violent and destructive revolution?

6. You blame the riots on Antifa. You ignore the fact that there's no proof it's Antifa or that there's also speculation of white-supremacist agitators.  

I see a video of a Black protester asking the violent and destructive people to stop.

I say that it's good when the left people in power speak out against violent people on the left. And the same for the right.

I expect you to agree with me.

We disagree on so much.

But with this, I imagine you will agree.

Instead you criticize me for implying that conservatives are connected to white supremacy and Neo Nazis.

It boggles my mind that you don't see any connection between conservatives and white supremacy and Neo Nazis.  

That while you felt moderate Muslims needed to speak out against Muslim terrorists, you don't feel that moderate conservatives need to speak out against conservative-extremists.

And where was your criticism of me connecting the left with violent people on the left?

If we're being logical and fair.....

If conservatives can't be connected to white supremacy and Neo-nazis, can't we also say that Muslims have absolutely no connection to Muslim terrorists and that those of us on the left have absolutely no connection to violent far-left anarchists?

7. You say I have insulted you by pointing out that you speak out more against Antifa than the KKK. 

But am I not supposed to be insulted by you inferring that the left is responsible for left violent extremism while the right is NOT responsible for right violent extremism?  Because you do know that I'm on the left, right?  

Why is there such a double standard in your head?

Where and when were you radicalized????????????????????

So.....

Anyway.....

I'm thinking about talking to people about racism.

And in order for people to be on the road to anti-racism, I think they need three things. A) empathy B) logic C) fairness D) openness towards analogies. 

Here's a pretend conversation.

ME: Black lives matter.

PRETEND PERSON: All lives matter.

ME: Yes, but that's not the point.

PRETEND PERSON: I think all lives matter. You don't?  Why do you think black people's lives matter and others don't.

ME: See...Well, pretend we're back in the late 1930's. The Nazis are killing Jews. Then some Jews start protesting with slogans and some gentiles join in. They say "Jewish Lives Matter."  Would you be offended by that?

PRETEND PERSON: Oh!!!!! Okay. Now I see where you're coming from.

Because though Mrs. Pretend Person is Jewish, she doesn't see Jews as being extraordinarily sacred or exceptional. So though she might not be fully sympathetic and understanding of what Black people endure, by using what she has learned from being Jewish and facing antisemitism, she can apply it to other abused and marginalized people.

These are the type of people that can be reached.  

I was one of those people.

I am STILL one of those people. Because if you're white, you never reach the end of the path when it comes to being anti-racist. You have to keep walking. Indefinitely.  

But for those who have a huge boulder blocking their path?

A friend told me that you just need to pray for understanding.

I don't believe in God, but I do think he's right.

Sometimes you just have to stop trying to have the conversations and just wish, pray, hope, etc....that the boulder slides away.  

Click here for more like this

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

He Kills His Wife's Chicken and Offers to Pay for His Son's Wedding

The Geoff and Yasmeen drama on Coronation Street continues. Although eventually it's going to pause because of Covid 19. But that's a whole other story.

So....

One evening, Yasmeen (Shelley King) angers Geoff (Ian Bartholomew) by making a meatless dinner. Her reason?  She ran out of the strict allowance he has given her.

He takes on the task of making dinner while Yasmeen does something else. I forget what.

When it comes time for eating, Yasmeen heavily praises the chicken dish Geoff has prepared. With joyful sadism, Geoff finds a way to casually let it be known that the chicken Yasmeen is eating is the egg-laying hen she adored.

Yasmeen is angry, horrified, disgusted, and traumatized. 

Geoff reacts in various stages. At first he's defensive: The hen was no longer laying eggs. Yasmeen herself had said the chicken aren't pets. 

Then later he switches to hoovering mode. He goes from super-asshole husband to sweet, apologetic husband. Why? Well, probably to keep Yasmeen confused and trapped. If a person is 100% horrible all the time, it would probably be easier to leave them....at least in a psychological sense. It's harder, though, when the toxic person is horrible only 80% of time or 40% of the time. Or whatever percentage. And the rest of the time, they're benign. Or even more confusing...sometimes they may put on a mask of wonderfulness.  

The toxic person doesn't just put on the mask of wonderfulness for their victim. They'll do it for others as well.

Around the same time that Geoff murders Yasmeen'ss chicken, he talks to his son Tim (Joe Duttine). . He learns Tim is stressed about paying for his upcoming wedding. Geoff responds by offering to pay for the whole thing. Tim is extremely grateful.

It seems to me that when the toxic person is treating their victim the worse, they up their wonderfulness towards the other people.

They become even more charming.

They become more generous. They'll buy expensive gifts for others.  

They'll become more helpful. They'll do huge favors for others.

They'll show of their talents to impress others.  

I think there are two reasons behind this.

A) To maintain their high self-esteem.  I think some people imagine that narcissists, and other very toxic people, LIKE being evil; that they do evil things and then rub their hands together and laugh their villain laugh.  

That might be the case for some.  But I think most narcissists actually want to be the heroes of the story, not the villain.  They want to be the main character, and they want to be the favorite character. 

A lot of their toxic behavior comes from the manipulations they employ to keep themselves on their high pedestal. 

Then with some toxic people, like Geoff, sadism is also part of the picture. 

I guess it's like they have to balance their love of hurting others with their love of adoration.  

One thing I suspect is that if a narcissist has a lot of adoration, their acts of sadism will be less frequent and more mild.  They get their kicks out of the adoration, so the thrill they'd get from sadism is less needed. Also, they have more to lose if the truth comes out. Therefore, they're more careful.  

But Geoff on Coronation Street is not very popular in the community. I mean he's not a pariah, but I don't think anyone really loves or likes him much besides Yasmeen  

He's not in danger of losing a huge fan-base. 

Okay...and onto the other reason.

B) To build up a defense against their target/scapegoat.  The toxic person collects flying monkeys, enablers, fans, etc.  Then when the victim of their shit seeks out support, it's very hard for the victim to find anyone who will listen, believe them, and take their grievances seriously.

Fortunately for Yasmeen, Geoff is actually not great at collecting flying monkeys. I think most people in the community prefer her to Geoff. And Yasmeen'ss granddaughter Ayla (Sair Khan) actually hates Geoff and suspects that bad things are happening in the marriage.

Will Geoff be able to turn Tim into a flying monkey by paying for the wedding? I think it's quite possible, although it was Tim who found Yasmeen locked in Geoff's magician box a few weeks ago. And I think he got a bit suspicious.  

Actually, now that I think of it...MAYBE that's why Geoff is working to get on Tim's good side. Maybe he understands that Tim is likely to start suspecting that things are very wrong in the marriage. So Geoff is taking strong action to mitigate that. 

Anyway, we shall see what happens. Eventually.

From the brief glimpses of spoilers I've seen....it seems Geoff is going to be the winner.  It's horrible. But it unfortunately matches what too often happens in real life.

The victim ends up either dead, injured....or disbelieved, unsupported, and psychologically traumatized. 

Narcissism and the Ableist Argument

Dear People Who Say It's Ableist to Complain about Narcissists,

If you're going to speak out against people, like me, speaking out against narcissism.  If you're going to say that's ableism and not fair to people suffering from their narcissism disorder....

Well, guess what then. I'll just say I suffer from narcissism-intolerance. So you are being ableist by not being sensitive to the fact that I've been hurt by narcissism and want to talk about all that shit.

Oh wait?

You're saying it's unethical to call someone a narcissist when we don't know their diagnosis?

No.

It's wrong for a person to diagnose someone with NPD (narcissism personality disorder) without a professional degree that allows them to do such things. 

But there is narcissism that exists outside the DSM-5.

Narcissism is not just a mental disorder.

It's also a noun and an adjective.

It's a way that we can describe someone who has certain shitty toxic traits.  

Do you know what else is in the DSM-5?

Pedophilic Disorder—The diagnosis for people who sexually desire children who have not yet entered puberty.

So, if a person is sexually abused as a child and calls out the abuser—calls the abuser a pedophile. Would you say that's ableist as well?

Would you insist that the pedophile gets the same type of compassion for their mental illness as someone who has depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, OCD, and borderline personality disorder?

Now look. If you want to have sympathy and compassion for people officially diagnosed with things like NPD or pedophilia OR people that fit the description of words like narcissist and pedophile.....

That's very big-hearted of you.

But if you have more sympathy towards them than the people they've hurt?  If you call people ableist for wanting to talk about narcissistic warning signs?  If you shit on people who speak out about Trump's narcissism because it reminds them of the toxicity they've had to deal with from partners, parents, bosses, etc?

Well....

Maybe one day the DSM committee will come up with a disorder to describe those who think and feel the way you do. And then it will become ableist of me to be angry and disgusted with your ignorance.  But until then....

For more of my posts about narcissism, click here. 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Voting Blue

We did early voting yesterday for the Democratic Primary.

It was Jack's first vote. So that was exciting.  He's very much into politics which makes it even more exciting.

I voted for Sanders.  

I'll be happy if he wins.

But I'm happy with most of the other candidates.

Throughout the months and campaigning, I've gone along with the stance of voting blue no matter who.  

I'd love to have any president who has viewpoints and policies that differ strongly from Donald Trump's.

I want better healthcare, whether that's completely public or a combination of public and private like Australia has.

I want university educations to be more affordable.

I want a president who understands institutional racism and fights against it. 

I want a president who believes in climate change and other scientific things.  

I want a president who won't make pleasing the NRA one of his priorities. 

I want a president who is not a misogynist.  

I want a president who is well-educated and intelligent.

I want a president who does not seem to be a malignant narcissist. I mean I expect all presidential candidates are a bit narcissistic. But Trump takes things way too far in that regard.

Anyway, so yeah.  Bernie is probably my favorite. But I'd be happy with the others as well.

EXCEPT....

I'm not so sure about Bloomberg.

I don't know much about him.

I saw only a few snips from the last debate.  In those, he sounded like a dishonest, manipulative asshole.

I'm wondering if he's as bad as Trump.  

If he's as bad as Trump but shares some of my political beliefs, should I vote for him anyway?

I don't think so.  Because then I'll be like the awful Republicans who know Trump is a bad person and a bad president, but they vote for him anyway...because they imagine socialism is so much worse. Or they just like for their team to be winning...no matter what.  

That being said, I need to learn more about Bloomberg before making my decision. If he ends up being the candidate, I'll do my research and decide whether it's best to keep Trump or get a (sort-of) Democrat version of Trump.  

Hopefully he won't be the candidate, though.  OR if Bloomberg is the candidate, maybe I'll learn about him and think, Well, he's a bit of an asshole. But he actually has a lot of good qualities.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Woe is Me but Woe is Not You

The Geoff and Yasmeen storyline on Coronation Street continues.

In an episode I recently watched, Yasmeen (Shelly King) tones down her subservient behavior and began speaking up for herself.  She confronts Geoff (Ian Bartholomew) about his lying and his cruelty.

His son Tim (Joe Duttine) had rescued Yasmeen from the scary, locked, claustrophobic magician's box. Tim expresses concern, and Geoff blatantly lies to him.  He says Yasmeen had put herself in the box to practice the magic stuff. He hadn't purposely locked it. Something went wrong with the latch.

This all is far from the truth. In reality, Geoff had bullied Yasmeen into going into the box. He refused to let her out when she begged. Then he left her in the box and went to the pub.

Prior to the episode I watched yesterday, the dynamic between Geoff and Yasmeen had Geoff belittling, blaming, and shaming Yasmeen, while Yasmeen acted very apologetic. But now, it seems, Yasmeen is realizing the fault in their relationship does not lie with her.

So, Geoff changes his tactic.

Well, I went to re-watch the scene, because I want to make sure I remembered things correctly.

It's a brilliant scene.

But anyway, I'm thinking I'll go through the dialogue step by step and examine Geoff's various escalating tactics.

He starts by bringing up the song "Everything I Do I Do For You". He tells Yasmeen he'd like to play the song for her, because it's true.  He does everything for her.

Really?!

I think it's the most self-centered, egotistical people who make that sort of claim. It's like the celebrity who works long hours, is rarely present, buys extravagant stuff for themselves, wins prestigious awards that they proudly display; then tells their kids, It's all been for you.

Yasmeen has suddenly become less accepting of his bullshit. She tells him this doesn't feel like love and if her mother were alive, she'd tell Yasmeen to run.

Geoff leaves behind the Super Husband angle and jumps to the victim angle. AND he changes the narrative about the box.  It's no longer an accident. It was a trick. Why did he do this trick?  It's in his nature. He's a magician. In other words, I can't help myself. It's your duty to accept me the way I am.

And once again, he brings up the failed magic trick—the one he blames Yasmeen for.

She says, But I didn't do that on purpose. What you did WAS, and it was so calculated.

It's such a relief to see her fighting back. BUT...she still has a lot of fighting left to do.

The next step in Geoff's manipulative defense tactics is crying.

He cries. Then he brings up the abuse from he endured from his former wife.  Now I'm not sure if this abuse really happened or not. It might have. Or it might be completely invented. Or it could be that Geoff was the abusive one in that relationship as well.

Anyway, Geoff's main goal here is to turn Yasmeen's anger into pity.

Tears can work wonders with that.

But he also adds on verbal self-flagellation.

Oh and along with this is a seemingly sincere apology. He says the right words.  He says, I'm sorry I scared you so much, and a little later, please, forgive me.

I'm very glad the Corrie writers had him give an apology. I've too often seen claims that toxic and/or narcissistic people never say the word sorry.  I think they're actually very often capable of saying those words. But their apologies are much more manipulative and self-serving than they are compassionate and redemptive. I wrote about this in my part one and part two posts about apologies. Speaking of self-serving, that's what I'm doing here. I really love those posts that I wrote and hardly anyone has read them. So...

Anyway.....

Really, there are a lot of posts I wish more people would read.

Back to Yasmeen and Geoff.

Yasmeen watches Geoff crying.

I've been in that place before. I sit there thinking, should I continue being angry? Do I have the right to be angry? Am I being unfair? Should I drop the anger and comfort this wounded person? If I choose anger over compassion, am I a cold-hearted person?

It's a horrible feeling.

Okay...had to skip through some scenes of other storylines....

Now I'm seeing that Geoff actually apologizes again.

Yasmeen tells Geoff that she's scared of him.

His response?

He tells her he'd never hit her. He says cowards only hit women.

Yes, and the decent, brave men just ridicule, manipulate, and criticize their partners...and play terrifying tricks on them.

Geoff goes on to talk about his ex-wife. He tries to push the narrative that he's the real victim. He says, She scared me. Physically. That's real abuse.

Fuck him.

So basically, Geoff's message is I'm sorry BUT....What you endured wasn't that bad. It wasn't malicious. I'm the real victim here. And I know what real abuse looks like.

The lines at the end of the episode are brilliant.

Yasmeen tries to steer the conversation back to reducing Geoff's abusive behavior.

She starts to say, I love you too, my darling. But at the end of the day—

Geoff interrupts and asks her to hold him.

She does what he asks her to do. She embraces him and pats him on the back as if he's a young child. She says, I got you. I got you.

And he says. And I've got you. Haven't I?

In a healthy relationship, this could simply mean we have each other's back. But I think the underlying message, when Geoff says it, is that he has her trapped. She's his prisoner.

There's hope, though. Because Yasmeen doesn't say. Yes, you do. Or, Of course you do.

Instead she says, It certainly would appear so.

Did Geoff's tactics work on Yasmeen?

I think to some degree they did.

I think she's better aware now that something is not right in their relationship, and that the blame doesn't lie with her.

I think she's frustrated that the conversation became more about him and his woes and very little about her own woes.

But I think he did manage to tug at her heart strings.  I don't think she'll be ready to pack up and leave just yet. She'll probably have a mixture of anger and pity towards him.

Unfortunately, if she does realize the cruelty in the relationship greatly outweighs the love, fun, and happiness, she won't find it easy to escape.  In the past, Geoff used his manipulation skills to take control of Yasmeen's finances, and he also manipulated himself into buying part of the family business.

So he definitely HAS her.

Another thing I want to say about Geoff's psychological manipulation, in this scene, is that the initial act didn't have to terrifying for his apology to be toxic.

Let's take something more benign.

Let's say.....

Friday is Julia's birthday.  She and her husband Mike talk on Wednesday about going out for a nice birthday dinner.

Friday comes along. Julie gets a text from Mike at 6:00, saying he needs to talk to some coworkers, so he'll be a little late.

Julie doesn't complain. She doesn't want to interfere with her husband's job.

She waits for him to get home.

And waits, and waits, and waits.

He comes home at 9:00. He casually tells her they got to talking and decided to go out for some drinks.

She bottles up her anger but does remind him that they had planned to go out.

He says,  Sorry. I didn't know we had to go out on your exact birthday. Could we go out for Saturday instead?  How about we go for lunch AND dinner?

Julie decides to agree with this. She doesn't want to turn her birthday weekend into a drama.

Saturday comes along and Mike tells Julie his cousin called. She needs help moving into her new apartment.

Julie reminds him about the birthday lunch.

Mike reminds Julie that his aunt has cancer, and things are really hard for his cousin.

She doesn't fight this, because she doesn't want to be the person who doesn't seem to have sympathy for families dealing with cancer.

Julia doesn't hear from Mike for hours.

He returns home close to dinner and says he has a birthday treat for Julie. He and his cousin and some of her friends went to a street fair near her neighborhood. While they were there, they picked something up for Julia.

Mike presents Julia the treat. It's a double chocolate chip muffin.  Julie has told Mike multiple times, in the past, that she likes chocolate baked goods, and she likes baked goods with chocolate chips. BUT she doesn't like chocolate over chocolate.  It's one of the quirky things about her.

This is Julia's breaking point. With her voice-raised, she tells him she doesn't like chocolate chips. She also complains about his going out on her birthday night and breaking the lunch plus dinner plans.

Mike tells Julia he's sorry. He would never ever purposely hurt her. He loves her more than anything in the world and nothing is more important to him than her. 

She says, You say that but it's not how you act. Actions speak louder than words.

Mike starts tearing up.  He says, I guess my parents were right about me. I'm careless and stupid. They would punish me by taking away my birthday. Every year. No gifts. No special dinner. No cake. Now THAT is a true bad birthday. He starts sobbing.  Julie comforts him.  Instead of having a Julia's-birthday weekend, they have a poor-dear-Mike weekend.

Being birthday-neglectful is much less evil than locking someone in a claustrophobic box. But the manipulation is still hard to deal with. It's still toxic.

The message Julia gets is that she shouldn't speak up. She should keep her grievances to herself. She should let things slide.  In a relationship like this, confrontation doesn't bring resolution or compromise. It just brings more drama to the table. It just makes things worse.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online

Anna from The Fosters

In my post about God-narcissists and demon-narcissists, I used Anna from The Fosters (Alexandra Baretto) as an example of a demon-narcissist.

Demon-narcissists are how I describe narcissists who are disliked by most. They're pathetic, desperate, and an embarrassment to their family. They're the type of narcissists who will lie and manipulate their children in order to get money from them.

Anna is a addict who abandoned her twins when they were five. Later she pretends to want a relationship with them, and all along she just wanted money from them...so she could buy drugs.

BUT....

Now Anna has been clean/sober for a few months. She's working on the amends stage of the AA program.  It SEEMS that she might have actually changed.

It makes me wonder.  If a person is a narcissist/toxic person only when using, are they really a narcissist or toxic person?  Or is it just the drugs that make them that way?  Is their need to get high so strong that they'll do ANYTHING to get what they need even if it involves manipulation?

I'm also wondering, are all addicts that desperately manipulative?  Are there some addicts who manage to have standards?  Like, I'll steal to get high. But NOT from my own children!

If some addicts have lower standards and are more manipulative, could these manipulative traits be there before the addiction began and after they've become sober?  Could it simply take a more subtle and different form?

I guess basically what I'm wondering is if some people's narcissism/toxicity is situational and whether their behavior will improve once their situation changes.

The same goes for God-narcissists. These are narcissists, who despite their toxicity, are highly respected by the community. They're wealthy, powerful, charming, etc.  

Would they change if something forced them off their pedestal, and they came down to earth? What if they lost a huge chunk of their fortune?  Or what if they lost some of their prestige? 

For example, let's say a movie director is wealthy, winning awards, and very popular. He's THE big thing in Hollywood.  Everyone adores him.  Not only is he very creative and brilliant, but he's very fun and generous. Yet to members of his family, he's self-centered, arrogant, and manipulative.

If he starts making crap movies and the public loses interest in him, will he lose some of his toxic traits?  Or might he become even worse?

I guess the answer might partly depend on how he was before the fame. If he was non-toxic before; then it could be a simple matter of the fame going to his head.  If he was self-centered and manipulative before the fame; then the narcissism is probably just a permanent part of his personality.  

I think there are also cases where the God-state can actually make a narcissist somewhat less toxic.  Before the fame, they might have boosted their self-esteem by making others else feel small.  They might bully people in their life with cruel jokes, yelling, belittling, teasing, etc.  Then once they start gaining wealth and prestige, they might not need that bullying-self-esteem boost, because they're getting a boost from all the adoration from the public and community. 

Well...I shall see what happens with Anna.

I'm GUESSING her desire for redemption is genuine and not trickery. But I could be wrong.  

And what if Anna starts a YouTube channel about her struggles and it becomes very popular?  What if she has millions of subscribers and makes a ton of money?  Is there a chance she might transform into a God-narcissist?

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

God Narcissists and Demon Narcissists

I've been thinking more about my God/narcissistic parent analogy that jumped into my head when watching Lucifer.

There are various established ways to label and divide narcissists (covert, communal, grandiose etc.)  I've decided to come up with my own. It's not going to include ALL narcissists—just two types.

One would be the God-narcissist that I thought about when watching Lucifer. The second would be the demon narcissist.

The demon narcissist, unlike the God narcissist, severely lacks in power. They are powerless and pathetic. They are also disgustingly obvious....like Pazuzu spinning his head around and projectile vomiting green pea soup.

Now... I don't think enough people are educated about things like gaslighting, emotional blackmail, darvo, etc.  I think most people are unable to spot narcissism unless the self-adoration aspects are extremely obvious. So when I say obvious, I'm not necessarily talking about the narcissism of the person but instead some other trait that makes them very unappealing.

They might be too loud and boisterous.

They might be very negative.

They might be overtly racist or sexist.

They might yell a lot.

They might be overtly controlling.

They might be drug addicts.

They might be alcoholics.

They might say and do embarrassing things.

They might be criminals.

They might be in prison.

Sometimes when people come out of an abusive situation, they will say something like, Everyone kept warning me against him. None of my friends liked him. Finally. I listened.

That would be a demon narcissist.

I'm wondering. Why did they fall in love in the first place—if the narcissist was so unlikable; so lacking in charm?

Maybe they have just enough charm for the object of their affection?  Or maybe, in some cases, it's their lack of charm that's appealing.  Yeah. He's a bit rough around the edges. But he's a softie inside. You just have to understand he doesn't mean what he's saying.  

Demon narcissists are unappealing to most people. And they lack power. They usually don't have a lot of money. They probably don't have secure employment. They're not well-liked by their neighbors, coworkers, relatives, etc.

I want to stop here and make sure to clarify something.

Not all people who are drug addicts or alcoholics or financially disadvantaged or negative or friendless or... etc. are narcissists!!!!  Most of them are probably not.

But if these people are also very selfish, self-centered, and most importantly...MANIPULATIVE; then they are probably narcissists.

Anyway....

In the past few weeks, I've seen three examples, on TV shows, of demon-narcissist parents.

On Jane the Virgin, there's Magda (Priscilla Barnes), the mother of Petra (Yael Grobglas). Magda spends years manipulating her daughter, pretending to be stuck in a wheelchair so her daughter will take care of her. Later she kills a man in (maybe) self defense. Then she goes as far as framing her daughter for the murder. She makes it obvious that she does not have any love for her daughter and will hurt and use her daughter to get what she wants.

I've only finished two seasons and already Magda has gone to prison for two different violent crimes. So yeah. She's not exactly a pillar of the community.

Not only does Petra have to live life without a mother's love, but she also has to live with the embarrassment and shame of being related to a criminal.

On The Fosters, there's Anna, (Alexandra Barreto) the biological mother of Jesus (Jake T Austin) and Mariana (Cierra Rameriz).

Anna is a junkie who abandoned her twins when they were young. She later seeks them out, pretending to want a relationship with them. But then, like two minutes later, she's asking them for money.

First she gets Marianna to steal her brother's ADHD medicine and sell them at school. That's bad enough, of course. But she doesn't stop there. She tries to convince Marianna to steal expensive stuff from her adopted parent's home. She doesn't tell Marianna she needs money for drugs. She says she needs the money so she can escape from her abusive boyfriend. She manipulates Marianna by trying to get Marianna to pity her.  I can't remember exactly, but I think she also pushes the whole thing of sticking by family and helping them out. Yeah. This coming from a women who abandons her children and later uses them to get drug money.

On The Good Doctor, there's the unnamed mother (Sharon Teal) of Claire (Antonia Thomas).

Before her mother appears on the show, Claire foreshadows the appearance by telling a sob story from her childhood. She saved up money for a laptop (I think?), and then her mother stole all the money and spent it...somewhere.

Claire is very angry at her mother about this. She rightfully holds a grudge.

Then Mom comes for a surprise visit to the hospital. If I recall correctly, the mother and daughter haven't seen each other for years.  Claire is cold towards her mother at first. But then she warms up a bit, because Mom seems more loving and honest. She seems willing to change. She talks about how she now realizes she was mentally ill, and she's had treatment for that. She also shows interest in Claire's life.  It seems to Claire that her mother might have actually changed.

And then very quickly, before Claire's heart can warm up too much, her mother asks for help with the rent.

I think that might be the key trait of demon-narcissistic parents. They often need something and will manipulate their children to get it. This will usually be money or something similar—like a place to live or nursing care.

The God-narcissistic parent, in contrast, doesn't usually need anything from their children. Or at least they don't need material things. They have enough money of their own. They GIVE to their children rather than take.

They shower their children with expensive gifts.

Financially, they are very generous.

Unlike the demon-narcissist, they are not lacking in appeal. Quite the opposite...they are beautiful, charming, and well loved by many.

This is the person who not only pays for dinner but entertains everyone throughout dinner with their hilarious stories.

So, what's the problem?

Well.....

Beneath the charm and generosity, there's manipulation and an excessive need for gratitude and adoration from others.

They hate being told that they're not they wonderful beings they imagine themselves to be. If you bring up something they have done to hurt you, they will tell you it never happened. You must be imagining things. You must be remembering things wrong.  OR they'll go as far as accusing you of purposely making things up to hurt them. Jesus had Judas, and they have you.

If they don't deny, they might distract by reminding you of all the gifts they have given you. Or maybe it's more along the lines of, it's okay that I say things to hurt you sometimes, because I helped pay for your apartment.  

It's like God. We're supposed to be super duper grateful for any nice thing He does for us. We're supposed to go to our houses of worship to sing praises and bow to him. Then when He does something to us we don't like, we're supposed to just accept it as His plan.

And if we fail on all this, our fellow Christians, Jews, Muslims, etc. will try to pull us back in line.

The children of narcissist parents will hear the same things that those drifting from the faith might hear. He DOES love you!  He wants the best for you!  Think of all the good that's happened in your life. That's down to HIM!

While those dealing with a demon-narcissist will talk about how others tried to warm them against the narcissist, those dealing with a God-narcissist will likely say the opposite.  I kept telling them he's not always that great, and they don't believe me.

Or more likely, it will be in present tense. I KEEP telling them he's kind of awful sometimes, and no one believes me. Getting people to believe the narcissist is toxic rather than close-to-perfect is something they will struggle with until they die. It's a battle they shall rarely win.

The only people who are likely to take their grievances seriously are other people who have relationships with a God-narcissist. Those dealing with demon-narcissists are very unlikely to get it. What the hell are you talking about.  He GIVES you money rather than trying to steal it from you?????!!!!  How is that a problem????!!!  Plus he's SO nice and funny. You're lucky!!! I wish he was my dad!!!!

Some God-narcissists might be physically and sexually abusive. Then it will likely be a case of the victim being blatantly disbelieved. They will be seen as liars. Well....if they come forward.

I am guessing, though, that many God-narcissists are much more subtle in their cruelty.  They might do things that are hurtful to those experiencing it, but to outsiders it's funny, normal, harmless, etc.

For example, they might often use emotional invalidation.

I'm too hot. I feel sick.

Give me a break!  The weather is beautiful today.

I'm hungry.

You just ate! You can't be hungry.

I'm so depressed.

Don't be overdramatic.

She hates me.

You're imagining things.

They try to dictate emotions by saying things like Smile more or Snap out of it.

They will be controlling. They might not say, Do this. Do that. Or else!  Instead they might say. You can do that, but it's your funeral.  Or, you can do that, but I think it's really selfish of you.

I'm totally okay with it. But if you do that, it's going to really hurt your mother.

Do what you want. But you're going to be sorry.

Your sister is really hurt by what you're planning to do. 

They might get great pleasure from seeing you terrified. They might have you watch a terrifying movie or pressure you to go on the scariest ride at Disney World.  They might tease animals in front of you, because they know that bothers you. But it's all just for fun! Don't take it too seriously! They just like pushing your buttons.  OR because they're so wonderful and God like, maybe they're doing it out of benevolence...because they love you. They're trying to toughen you up! 

Like God-God, the God-narcissist will keep you on your toes.

One day, he's super nice. He's asking you questions about your life. He's showing interest. He's showing compassion. He's the one person who understands your controversial viewpoint and isn't bashing you for it.  Then another day, he's lashing out because you made the wrong comment, weren't grateful enough, or didn't come through on a favor he asked.

Like God-God, the God narcissist will sometimes display his wrath with loud anger, angry emails/texts, or a a punishment.

God will send destructive floods to one village and pleasant sunshine to another. It's the same with the God-narcissist. He will punish one child with threatening, angry, manipulative emails and then, on the same day, shower the other children with extra charm and compassion.  To one child, he will be a monster. To the other, he will be the nicest and funniest guy ever.  And so cool! He's going to take us all to see Hamilton!!!!  He's even letting us invite our friends along!

He'll even maybe take the bad one to Hamilton...because he's generous and forgiving like that. He's so wonderful.

But the bad one is thinking, I don't even want to go to Hamilton. And I don't want YOUR forgiveness. I want YOU to apologize to ME. Because that "abusive" thing you accuse me of?  It was simply me calling you out on your hurtful behavior.

Another similar thing between God and the God-narcissist is they will take credit for anything you might love about yourself.  Well, God probably doesn't actually take credit. But those who worship Him will push you to give God credit.  Like how you sing? Well thank God for giving you that voice! Happy that you got that raise? Praise God. Glad you stopped eating all that junk food and lost a hundred pounds? Well, don't have too much pride. Thank God for giving you the willpower and strength!

The God-narcissist might say things like, You got my genes! Or in anger they might blurt out something like, everything you've achieved in life comes from me pulling strings for you!  You would have accomplished nothing without me.

Well, the demon narcissist would probably say those things too.

I'm going off on a tangent about the God-narcissist and really a lot of what I said would apply to the demon narcissist as well.

The big difference between the two is that the former is seen by others, outside the dynamic, as being wonderful—charming, benevolent, and generous, while the demon-narcissist is seen as...well...yuck.

I guess what I was trying to say in all my ramblings is that the God-narcissist is probably more subtle with their toxicity. Because they need to hide it to keep their glowing reputation and their very high self-esteem.

In public, they might lash out in extremely subtle ways so to be seen as benign by bystanders. Or they will put on their super-nice mask on when in public. In private, they might be obviously awful or they might still be subtle in their awfulness.

The demon-narcissist is usually far from subtle.  In private, they are obviously awful, and in public, they are obviously awful as well. They are embarrassing.

What is worse?

Neither.

I think they're both bad.

Dealing with narcissists is always very painful and emotionally damaging.The victims of both have that in common.

The differences?

Those who have a demon-narcissist have to deal with the extra burden of embarrassment. They have the shame of being connected to the demon. I also suspect that they might be more likely be in physical and sexual danger. And financial danger as well!!

Those who have a God-narcissist have to deal with the loneliness of not being believed and/or taken seriously. They are often the black sheep and/or scapegoat in their family or social circle, and they have to deal with the pain that comes along with that.










Edited to add-5/29/19:  I thought of another name for a group of narcissists. Well, another name has already been given to them: Communal Narcissists.  But to go with my Gods and Demons, I'm going to give them the alternate name of Angel Narcissists.

Angel Narcissists get their feelings of specialness and superiority by doing good deeds. These can range from being the guy in the office who spends all his spare time planning an awesome surprise birthday party; the stranger who stays with you, to give support and comfort, after a car accident, and that friend who is on the board of seven charity organizations.

Not all giving people are Angel Narcissists. Some of them truly do care, and some do acts of goodness because it makes them feel simply decent (rather than extraordinary).

Here are my signs of someone being an Angel Narcissist rather than simply kind, caring, and charitable.

1. They spread the news of their good deeds. They often post about it on social media. You see it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. They describe their acts of kindness in group emails and group texts.

2. There is a Jekyll and Hyde quality to their behavior. To those they want to impress, they are beyond awesome. They're giving. They're kind. They're hardworking. They're self-sacrificing. They are the ones that people can count on. For those they're not interested in impressing, they can too often be lazy, grumpy, self-centered, distracted, callous and even maybe sadistic.

3. They use their good deeds as a manipulation tool against you.  You're angry at them because they said something hurtful to you? Well, they're too busy to deal with that right now ever. They have to go feed the homeless. And later, they're going to be speaking at a charity ball for abused children.

Do you have a problem? You're dealing with an eating disorder? You're depressed? You're anxious. You're upset because your boyfriend pressured you into having sex? You're worried about your biopsy results?  If you're someone that the Angel Narcissist wants to impress, he'll be your shoulder to cry on. If you're not?  He'll likely make you feel ridiculous and selfish. You're worried about a biopsy? What about people who actually have cancer?! Eating disorder? You're not that thin! Come on. Depressed? What do YOU have to be depressed about?

The giving mother has a very important charity event on the same day as her child's school play. She feels terrible about it. She apologizes over and over to her daughter. She makes sure to get the play video-taped. She watches the video with joy and excitement. She takes her daughter out on a special outing to make up for not being there.

The Angel Narcissist pushes the guilt on her daughter. You don't want Mommy missing the luncheon do you?  You don't want the sick children to die. Right? And come on...you're not even the main star of the play?  You have three lines.  Let's not make a big deal out of nothing. We didn't raise you to be selfish.  

Read my novel: The Dead are Online