My Life in 1993 (Part 1)

On our road trip, I thought about my college days and about these diaries.

It's horribly disappointing in some ways.

I'm hating how I come across in the diaries—boy-obsessed and relationship-obsessed.

Those things were obviously important to me. I didn't use my diaries to write about things that didn't matter to me. 

It's not really what's IN my diary that bothers me so much. It's what's missing.

There's hardly anything about the summer of my sister's coma and brain injury. Although I don't feel too awful, because I wrote a whole novel about it.  From what I remember, I changed names and added some subplots that didn't really happen. But I THINK most of the novel is based on real happenings and real feelings. I might reread that someday.  

One thing that's missing, and doesn't have a novel, is my roommate Susan. I saw her mentioned a few times in the diary, but we were close friends for a semester. We talked a lot. We had fun times. We even made each other mixed tapes. 

I also hate that I don't talk more about my classes, my (non-romance) obsessions, my writing, etc.

Maybe the diaries will eventually get better....

HAPPY New Year. I miss my old life. It was like this—Have a crush on a guy—fantasize about going out with him, invision the future. Then realize he has no feelings for me. Get sad. Cry a little. Feel hopeless and then the next day have a new crush. The cycle begins again. (1/1/93) 

Yeah. That describes my high school and first semester of college quite well.

Susan is gone. I feel so alone and sad. I am left with so many memories. (1/4/93). It's too bad you didn't share more of those memories with your diary.

I am glad, though, to see that I at least talked about missing her.

I am in a missing stage. I miss the cruise. I miss Susan. I miss my family. I tried to open Susan's door. I wish she was here. I am so sad. Sometimes I even miss Jesse and I fantasize that the tennis team begs him to come back and he does. (1/8/93). Okay, so Jesse was there for only three semesters. I was pretty sure he left early in the game, but I couldn't remember when. 

Today I was surprised when my teacher liked my poem. I was so ashamed of it. I was dreading reading it in class. (1/10/93).

I'm just glad to see mention of a class and writing. I was wondering what the poem was about and had a sudden memory of writing a poem about CF camp. I wonder if this was that poem.  

Maybe Clinton can't save the world but at least he can give them all hope and people will stop being so cynical.

If people like John (Mike's friend) keep complaining then they'll never be happy anyway. People should stop protesting and start doing something. (1/19/93)

Holy fuck. I sound like Rick Santorum!

This morning I felt so sick and nauseous. Mike was pretty helpful. I love the boy, but sometimes he disappoints me. 

I'm trying to treat him using behavioral approach. When he is late, I act cold toward him. When he is on time, I act super sweet. (1/20/93)

Yeah. I think that's called manipulation...and it's passive-aggressive. Though in my defense, my major was psychology and the university, I went to, stressed behaviorism.  I was probably trying to take what I learned in my classes and apply it to real life.

But I fear I am falling in love with David, not in a physical way. But something deeper than just casual friendship. I know the best thing to do is to ignore and avoid him. But instead I seek him out and stand certain places just for the reason that perhaps he may be passing by.  (1/22/93)

I had some very strong feelings for David. And I felt very conflicted about it, because I was still in a serious relationship with Mike.

As a middle aged woman, looking back, it seems kind of silly. I want to shout, Don't worry about it! You're young. You're not married to the guy. It's your first boyfriend! There's no problem with having a second, third, fourth, etc.

Yet, when we're young and in a relationship, we often take it seriously. We might not have a marriage certificate, but we have this idea that we need to make the relationship last forever.

When we begin a serious relationship, we make a promise not just to our new partner but to ourselves. We promise ourselves that we're going to love this one person for the rest of our lives, and we're not going to have romantic feelings for anyone else. When we start breaking that promise to ourselves, it can feel like a huge failure.

Though I'm guessing some young people might enter relationships with more realistic expectations. They might see it as somewhat long-term but not a lifetime (or forever) kind of thing.

The question is what do I want from David that will not hurt my life or Mikey's. 

I want him to consider me as one of his best friends here. I want him to call me, open up to me, sit by me in class. I think what I've desired it to have a close male friend with nothing beyond friendship. (1/27/93).

This is called, I didn't have the heart or guts to dump Mike, so I wanted to find a way to bring David into my life without officially cheating.  

David said I am haunting him, but he didn't mean for me to hear it.

Is that in a good sense or bad?

I am falling in love with him. (1/28/93)

I think we were haunting each other.

I don't think I like David in that way. But then I'm scared I'm denying my true feelings. (2/1/93).

DEFINITELY in denial there. 

Yesterday I told Kirsty how I feel about Mike and she truly understood. It was the first time someone truly understood what I was going through. (2/3/93)

I wonder who else I had told and what they said to make me feel they didn't understand.

I think when people vent about their relationship woes, we think we'll make them feel better by giving statements of reassurance. But I think often it makes people feel worse. Why? Because a lot of times we're talking out of ignorance and/or selfishness. We think we understand the relationship from those little glances we get. We are attached to the idea of the couple, so we push the couple to stay together.

I don't think I love him anymore.

Oh!  Everyone feels that way at times!  It'll pass.

He doesn't love me.

Yes, he does! He adores you.

I think she's cheating on me.

She'd never do that!

I feel suffocated.

But you guys are SO cute together. You're meant to be together. I know it!

Where the day takes you. In the morning and afternoon, I doubted I'd even see David, less see a movie with him. But I ended up spending 7:30-5:00 am with him. Nothing physical happened. Our just take-it-very-slow friendship ecelerated at a frightening speed. I love him so much but I don't want to go out with him. The most I want to do physically is a hug like kinda...(2/6/93)

There's another word there, but I can't read it.

 I guess Mike and I broke up but we'll still go out sometimes. (2/8/93)

I think this was about the fact that I was too chicken to break up all the way.  It wasn't just a fear of confrontation. It was the dread of hurting someone that badly.  

Then I started thinking about David's belief. He thinks everyone has a special someone (one) out there for them. But maybe to get to that person, we have to go through other people. Maybe Mike was merely a learning experience. Maybe I started loving Mike for future preparations. Then I stopped loving him just in time to meet David. Perhaps David is my someone or perhaps he is another lesson. Or maybe I'm his lesson. Maybe I will help lead him to true love. (2/19/93).

I'm confused about whether I'm the one that thought about prior loves being learning experiences. Or was that David's deep thoughts?  I get that he was the one who said we each had one special someone. I'm just not sure if he's the one who brought up the other idea.

I'm still haunted by something that David said. I'm wondering if I wrote about in the diary. We'll see....

But in the meantime....It was that true love lasts forever. And if you stop loving someone, it means you never loved them in the first place.

At times, I've worried he's right.

But now, I'm thinking it's bullshit.

First of all, who gets the right to define what's real love compared to fake love?

And...

I don't actually have a good second-of-all.

David can believe what he wants about his past relationships and whether or not they were real love or not.

I'll believe what I want about my own relationships and feelings.

For now David has chosen Glinda over me for a girlfriend. But what's beautiful is he chose me over Jason as a best friend.  (2/27/93)

Her name wasn't Glinda, of course. Hardly anyone reads this, but I still get paranoid that the wrong person will.

What happened is, David had told me he was dating someone. But he made it sound VERY casual. I had thought I was the one who was in a serious relationship. I thought it was my situation that was keeping us from going from friendship to loveship. 

Then later he let me know that it was actually kind of serious. This was after our friendship had evolved into something more.

At some point after college, I did Googling and saw that David had actually married this girlfriend. Or, if not that, he had married someone with the same name.  

I have felt guilty for being the other woman. I have felt anger and resentment towards David for leading me on and giving me the wrong idea about his relationship.

But now I'm thinking we were both just really confused. I think this caused us to be dishonest towards with each other and dishonest with ourselves.  

Yesterday I was feeling hate and jealousy toward Glinda. Now I am feeling sympathy for her. Yes, David is funny but humor is not enough to carry a friendship. If I wanted laughter, I can watch Saturday Night Live. I was feeling guilty for kissing David, but now I realize he's too blame. He told me he could see other people.What an asshole! He is shit and I don't need him as a friend. (3/1/93).

Well, I did all that explaining (from memory) for nothing. It was in the diary.

I wonder if he hadn't been lying about seeing other people. Maybe the relationship had been semi-serious, but they agreed to keep it open for awhile?

Maybe I was one of the things that helped David realize Glinda was his soulmate. In that case, I'm glad to have been of service.  Especially since Google seems to be telling me they're still together. Or at least they were a few years ago.  

David is a true love hate feeling. Part of me (majority) despises him with a passion. I want to hurt him, destroy him. I want Glinda to break up with him, not so I can have him but just so he'll cry and be hurt.

Then today my hands smelled like him and I remembered him in my room and I remembered loving him. I want to kill him. I want to kiss him. (3/11/13)

I find it disturbing that I had these dark, bitchy feelings. 

What makes me feel better is I never acted on them. I didn't slash any tires. I didn't shoot anyone. I didn't push David off a cliff.

I'm a woman of strong feelings but not often a woman of strong action.

Though I'm not even sure even my feelings are that strong anymore.  

The truth is, almost every day I think of killing myself. The slightest misfortune makes me suicidal.  I'm good at talking myself out of doing it. But I think I'll go back to the film world where Katherine dwells. 

Real life and socialization hurts so much sometimes. I feel so alone but I don't care. I want to be alone. So there. (3/13/93)

And eventually she discovered Hulu and Netflix, and life became much better for her.

You might think I'd like to go back in time to tell that girl relationships and socialization hurts, but it's worth it. 

Nope.

I'd tell her that for the most part it's just going to be more loss, rejection, humiliation, loneliness, etc.  It's all fine in small doses. But for the most part, I think it's better to enjoy people via fictional characters.

The ex-boyfriend Mike would be very against that. He was very much against TV. I wonder if he still is. I wonder if he feels disdain for those of us who get so much joy from streaming.  

As for the suicide bit, I take my feelings of despair seriously. But I don't think I had any concrete plans. All methods of suicide terrify me.  I think even if I was terminally ill with a painful disease, I'd be scared of euthanasia. On Coronation Street, there was a storyline about a woman using pills to end her struggle with pancreatic cancer. There was no hope of living. Her life was painful. It looked like the death was relatively painless. She just took the medicine, went to sleep, and never woke up. But it was still terrifying and very depressing to me.

The pain over Mike is not over. It's hardly even less.

Today he said he as a wish that one day in the future we'll meet again and fall in love. Secretly, I have that wish too. You have to keep at least a little hope, right? 

Sometimes I can only remember good things about Mike and I regret breaking up with him. Other times, thoughts of him repulse me and I'm so glad he's not my boyfriend. (3/14/93)

From what I remember of Mike and the things he said, I think he was still in love with me. I think his wish was more about me going back to returning those feelings. And I think I was feeling the same. I wanted my love for him to blossom again.

How did I turn into a such a bitch?

Why did I hurt someone so much?

The pain does not go away. It's still here.

I looked for a job today. We met Christina and her mother. She complained about her boyfriend who broke up with her. I am like her boyfriend. I just need to be alone. (3/15/93)

I don't remember Christina.

I felt so much guilt about Mike.  

One thing I learned about myself in that experience is that as hard as it is to be rejected, it's even harder for me to be the one who does the rejecting.  

I think when we're the one being rejected, we can wallow in a somewhat delicious self-pity.  We're a wounded soul who has to be brave enough to find the strength to move on with our life.  It's kind of like a soul challenge. 

I hated breaking up with Mike. I hated seeing him hurt. I hated that I failed to make the relationship last forever. 

I probably also hated that I had wanted something so bad and then suddenly lost interest.

I saw Rich in Love today. It helped me come to terns about Mike. I've felt like a shallow bitch because all of a sudden I stopped loving Mike. But now I realize I didn't just snap, stop loving him. I stopped loving him because I realized going out with him was making me miserable. He brought out the worst in me. With him, I was a whining bitch. No, Mike is not a bad person. But I'm not either. His personality just clashed wrong with mine. (3/19/93) 

I often think of the ending of Sex and the City, and the line about finding someone who loves the you that you love. But maybe it's also about finding the person who brings out the best in us. Who makes us feel funny and entertaining vs boring. Who makes us feel smart instead of dumb? Who makes us feel confident instead of weak?  Who makes us feel mature vs. incapable?

I have often felt that Tim doesn't love the me that I love. I have wanted him to celebrate me as being this great writer, singer, filmmaker, etc.  He more often seems to adore me as the member of the family he has been happy to join and as a supportive wife.  Mike's love was too much about my looks. Tim's love is too much about my parents, sisters, brother-in-laws, family friends, etc.

BUT...despite all that. I do like who I am with Tim. I feel funny and entertaining when I'm with him. I feel smart.  

I don't know if this is about Tim or if I've just grown in self-confidence in general.

I can think of only one person in my life that makes me feel like a pathetic loser. When I'm with this person I often feel weak, immature, mentally ill, very defensive, an embarrassment, etc.  There used to be another person that made me feel that way but not anymore. I'm not sure why things changed...but I'm glad they did.

David isn't treating me like shit anymore. Sometimes I'm under the suspicion that he still "likes me". I still love him. Then I look at him. Those eyes! And he's suck a great listener. (3/22/93)

Good listening skills have been important to me for a long time.  

And you know what. It's not just about having the skills—something you learned from reading the right book or going to the right class. It's actually caring about what someone's saying. It's about being curious and wanting to get to now them more. It's about wanting to understand why they're happy, sad, angry, etc. and wanting to support them.

I went out with David tonight and he was nice again. In the theater, he was sort of leaning against me. It was subtle but I cannot dismiss it as meaningless. (3/26/93)

DAVID!!! Why would you do such a thing?  

I feel like I'm David's little sidekick. I am like the butt of his jokes. Sometimes I like the attention, but other times I feel a little hurt and humiliated. If I knew for sure he liked me, I'd feel better. He does say nice things. He does say I'm smart. I guess he just makes fun of my size and athletic abilities.

I wish Mike would transfer because seeing him makes me sad. (3/29/93)

I understand the athletic abilities, but size?  My weight was average, so it wouldn't have been that. Height? I'm short, but not that short. Maybe compared to him I was?  

I had a great day today even though I didn't celebrate Passover. I got 5 letters and Susan called. Today I didn't feel lonely at all. I had this demented plan of avoiding David all week to make sure he didn't get sick of me. But I ended up seeing him. It was only for 1/10 of a second. (4/5/93)

Kind of like playing hard to get.

I feel torn about that. In some ways, it's a manipulative game. In other ways, it makes sense in a healthy-okay kind of way. It's human nature to get sick of someone we see too much. So if we're on the fence about liking/disliking someone, having space might move us closer to like.  

I think in the beginnings of romance, faking coldness and creating distance is sometimes foolish, manipulative, and sometimes counterproductive. But later in a relationship—whether romantic or platonic, it might help to give the other person some space. Give them time to miss us.  

I still love David. No matter what he does to me, I will still love him. The only thing that could heal my "dyslexic heart" is perhaps time. (4/22/93)

Yeah. Time was the cure. The only thing I ever feel about David now is curiosity. I Google him every so often, wondering what he's up to.

Today I faced the ultimate fear. The Exorcist. (5/5/93).

That's all I say about that, and then I go on and on about David and my friends from Freshman year.

I'm guessing I meant that I watched the movie. Alone? With other people? Was I very scared? Slightly scared? Did I watch the whole thing?

I think of Mike and David a lot. Sometimes I feel more anger and disgust at them. Other times I feel love or I miss them. Sometimes I just want to get back together with Mike to ease his pain.

I hope that one day David and I truly become best friends as he said he would be. (5/6/93).

I do remember David and his (broken) promise of being best friends.

I wonder what was up with that?

Was David in love with me, but since he had chosen Glinda, he wanted to find me another significant role in his life?

OR 

Was David like me with Mike? Did he simply not want to hurt me, so he was stringing me along?

I was considering a third option—that David just liked having me as the eager, following puppy dog. But I don't believe that. I don't picture him being cold and selfish like that.  

I think it was either about loving me or not wanting to see me hurt.

I still sometimes feel terrible for breaking up with Mike. I think maybe there is a teeny tiny part of me that still loves him in that way and is mad at the other part of me for breaking up with him. I'd say 60% of me is mad at Mike, 35% feels guilty, and 6% still loves him. I feel terrible. Today I feel worse about him than about David. (5/7/93)

That was about 3 months after breaking up with Mike. Is it common for break-up guilt to last that long?  With marriage, I imagine it would last much longer...maybe for life...especially if kids are involved. But with high school and college relationships?  

Well, I just googled breaking up with someone and there seems to be a lot of websites dealing with the subject. Most of them seem to be saying that you shouldn't feel guilty.  

I think if I had these supportive websites back then, I probably would have felt guilty for a shorter time.

And maybe three months isn't longer than average. 

Maybe there are people who feel guilt for a much longer time.  

I want David to love me and Mike to forget me. 

I cannot forget them.

My mind shall not leave them. (3/15/93)

It will leave them eventually...thankfully.  

Click HERE for the index to my diary/journal posts.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Absence, The Dark Side, Party Planning, and Tearful Goodbyes

1. Read the Project 2014 blog post about pulling kids out of school. The parent bloggers had mixed feelings about having their kids missing a day of school for a family camping trip. BECAUSE...
The Department spokesperson proceeded to lecture all the Mums and Dads on truancy and how missing a few days of school would result in your child protegee failing to reach their full potential, indeed any potential and how they would be doomed for life.

Once again, I'm so glad we homeschool.

At least, in Project 2014's case, the school told them that a family event is a valid excuse for taking kids out of school. Though Project 2014 thought that wouldn't include a camping event. So, they lied.

I don't know. Why isn't a camping trip a family event?

What IS a family event?

But anyway. I think allowing a family event (whatever that may be) to be an excused absence is more generous than what I've experienced in the United States.

From what I remember, the high school I attended only allowed absences for personal illness and death in the immediate family. Maybe illness and hospitalizations counted too. I missed several days when my sister was hit by a car. I'm assuming that absence was excused.

2. Looked at the guidebook from a school close to us. It's not as bad as I imagined it would be. Students are allowed up to three days of consecutive illness absence. If it goes on longer than that, they need a doctor's note. Death or life-threatening illness in the family is excused. And pre-approved family events are excused. They give examples—wedding, funeral, sibling graduation. This is probably what the Project 2014's school was referring to.  Yeah. And camping probably doesn't count. But I'm glad they went anyway. I imagine kids learn much more on camping trips than they do in the classroom.

3. Started watching an episode of Neighbours.

4. Read another editorial by Anthony Dillon. This one is about self-determination in Aboriginal communities. I think there are two basic ideas in the editorial. One is that people should work to help themselves get out of trouble. Second is that Aboriginal communities shouldn't push away help from non-Aboriginal people and organizations.

I think I might have had the mindset that Dillon is speaking out against in the latter idea. I've had negative feelings about the notion of a white person coming in and saving the day. Communities should have the power to help themselves. What Dillon says is, this ideal pushes an us vs. them mentality.

I'm starting to see his point there.

As for the other point of the editorial. I like what Dillon says here:  What is needed is personal accountability. Being accountable is not about blame. It is about finding solutions. Being accountable does not mean you are responsible for the plight you are in, instead it means you take responsibility for finding a solution. Suggesting that people begin to take responsibility for their lives, often invokes the argument of 'victim blaming'. However, victims are not being blamed.

One example that comes to mind is an alcoholic. Is it there fault they have an addiction to alcohol? No. And we should have sympathy for their plight. But it is up to them to fight against the affliction.

I feel the same way about my past eating disorder. Do I deserve guilt for being that way? Am I to blame? No. It's just something that happened because of my nature and things, in life I encountered. But I feel it was definitely up to me to pull myself out of the problem.

5. Reminded myself that sometimes there are no ways to fix the problem. And sometimes fixing the problem is too close to impossible, and the victim is unable to be okay again. For example, Haley on Coronation Street can't pull herself out of her pancreatic cancer predicament.

6. Watched Paige (Olympia Valance) plan a crusade with the intent of getting naked equality for women. If men can go around without a shirt, why not women?

There's a valid point there. But with Melanoma dangers, it's probably best that both men and women keep their shirts on.

7. Read cancer website about clothes protecting us from the sun. It says all clothing offers some protection, but certain colors and fabrics don't keep you very safe.

8. Thought about a monologue and storyline I saw yesterday on The Secret Life of Us. It's the idea that people have different sides to themselves, and in good situations, we find people that love and accept all our sides.

It sounds lovely, but I had a hard time relating to it.  I don't love all sides of people. I LOVE some of the people. But I strongly dislike some of their sides.

That feeling was driven home for me this afternoon. Because someone in my family displayed the side of them that I strongly dislike—the side that's demanding, uptight, controlling, narcissistic, lacking in appreciation, and taking themselves way too seriously.  I prefer this person when they're being funny, silly, appreciative, and relaxed.

All my family members have their bad and good sides. I often try to stay clear of them when they're at their worse. And no, I don't avoid them when they're sad or troubled. What I'm referring to is when they're unnecessarily bitchy—waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Do I have a bad side? No! I'm totally perfect. I'm wonderful to be around 100% of the time. Well, minus those moments where I storm out of the room, break a plate out of anger, randomly start crying, hold secret grudges, and bring up grievances from 10-20 years ago.

9. Thought about the ending monologue from the last episode of Sex and the City. It was about finding the person who loves the you that you love.  The idea from that monologue has stuck with me through the years.

I don't mind people disliking some of my sides, because it's likely that I dislike some of their sides. And I'm not fond of all my own sides. But I would greatly prefer to be around people who love the side of me that I love. This is the Dina who feels free to open up, acts silly, randomly start singing, laughs hysterically, loves Australia, shares the conversation, etc.  Sometimes I think there might be people who prefers the Dina that is quiet, polite, closed off and lets the other people talk on and on about themselves.

Fortunately though...lately this doesn't seem to often be the case. Lately I've been the Dina I like to be, and people seem to appreciate that for the most part.

10. Started watching another episode of The Secret Life of Us.

I'm wondering if Claudia Karvan isn't going to last through the full third season, because there's talk of her being sent to Edenhope.

11. Tried to decide if I want to look for casting spoilers on IMDb.

Maybe I will.

Curiosity is getting the best of me.

12. Saw, on IMDb that Claudia Karvan is on for a total of only fifty-three episodes. A season is twenty-two episodes. I'm thinking she was on most or all of season one and two. That would total forty-four episodes.  So maybe for season three, she'll only be in nine. I'm guessing most of the nine will happen in the beginning of the season;, and then maybe she'll come back for a guest appearance later on.

13. Looked closer at IMDb, and saw that I'm probably right. Karvan is on the episode I'm watching now and will be on the one after that. Then she disappears and reappears again for episode twenty, twenty-one, and twenty-two.

It looks like she doesn't come back at all for season four. From what I remember hearing, the only original cast member that remains for the last season is Deborah Mailman.

No...never mind.  Simon (David Tredinnick) sticks around as well.

14. Saw that Evan (Samuel Johnson) also appears in some episodes of the last season.

15. Saw that Christian (Michael Dorman) is in season four too. Although I'm not sure if he counts, because he wasn't an original cast member.

But I like him, so I'll count him.

Unless season four is total shit, I might end up liking it. Because Deborah Mailman is my favorite actress on the show.

16. Wanted to say that I'm often intrigued by this scene in the credits.

I have no idea why. It's just those people tend to grab my attention. The girl does some kind of body movement while the man watches. I wonder what they're doing.

And I wonder about the man and woman? Are they actors? If so, have they done other things? Or was The Secret Life of Us credits their one hit wonder?

If they're not actors, are they people who knew the creators of the show and so were given the honor of appearing in the credits? Or was it random people who happened to be around when filming was being done?

17. Wondered if the man and woman in that credit scene tell people, they meet, about their role on The Secret Life of Us. When they meet someone new, do they say Hey, remember that show a few years ago? The Secret Life of Us....

18. Thought of Lily Rabe when I saw that Pamela Rabe is going to be one of the guest-stars of this episode.

I think Lily Rabe is so beautiful.

19. Felt a lot of hatred for the bully doctor (Kim Gyngell) on The Secret Life of Us.  He's so incredibly mean to Alex. I think it puts the patient in danger, because it's making Alex upset and nervous.

This show is not helping me overcome my dislike of doctors.

Yeah. Alex is kind, conscientious, and intelligent. There are good doctors out there! But I wonder if their spirit and decentness is often destroyed by all the shitty doctors.

20. Added Rex (Vince Colosimo) to my list of shit doctors.

Well, actually I don't know if he's a shit doctor. But he's a shit boyfriend. He's awful to Alex. So I'm assuming he's awful to patients as well. Although that's not necessarily the case. Maybe he shows his decent side to his patients.

What happened is, Alex is upset about being treated like shit by the bully doctor. Instead of being sympathetic and supportive, he gives her a hard time about crying and walking out of the surgery.

21. Looked forward to Alex dumping Rex. I hope it happens!

22. Softened a bit towards Rex; because at the end of the scene, he gives Alex a nice hug.

23. Disappointed. Alex isn't dumping Rex. He's dumping her.

24. Reminded of Tim when seeing Gabrielle (Sibylla Budd) on a date with a guy who talks on his cell phone and responds to texts at the table.

Tim's done that at times. Some of the times have been somewhat understandable. Others have not, but I probably pretended to be tolerant.

25. Felt bad for Alex. She has this great opportunity in London. She's excited about it but doesn't want to lose her insensitive boyfriend Rex. She asks him to come with, and he says no. He also doesn't show any sadness about Alex leaving. Now she's acting all desperate— crying about having to lose him.

It's not a good situation.

I'm wondering what I'd want if I was in Alex's shoes.  I'd want someone to support my career. But I'd want them to act sad about me leaving. At the very least, I'd want them to not PUSH me to go. I wouldn't want it to seem like they're happy to get rid of me. That's pretty much how Rex is acting.

26. Got idea that Rex is actually over Alex but doesn't want to dump her. So he's just kind of hoping the universe takes her away.

27. Decided I'm sympathetic towards Rex if he secretly has fallen out of love with Alex and is relieved she'll be leaving for the new job.  I'm not impressed if he DOES love her and is simply an asshole about the whole thing.  Then it's about taking someone for granted and failing to express love.

It's kind of like what happened with Evan and Alex. As soon as a romance started blossoming between them, Evan left the country. Then he hurt Alex by not showing a continuation of the feelings while he was away. He failed to write her anything sentimental or romantic. All her sent her was an impersonal videologue.

All that would have been fine and understandable if Evan had lost interest and/or fallen in love with someone else. But he hadn't. He had feelings for Alex the whole time. He just failed to express himself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's inevitable that we're going to hurt those we don't love enough. But it's foolish and a huge waste when we hurt those we love, simply because we're lazy, stubborn, taking things for granted, and afraid to be vulnerable.

28. Intrigued by psychological experiment on The Secret Life of Us.

Kelly goes into a waiting room to wait to be involved in an experiment. She hears someone screaming for help. She looks concerned and confused about what to do. She looks to the other people in the room to see what they're doing. They just sit there calmly, ignoring the screaming.

Then the show cuts to Kelly watching herself on screen with the person in charge of the experiment (Rhys Muldoon). He reveals that she was the subject of an experiment on group cohesiveness. They wanted to see if she'd follow the group's lead. Or would she be different and help the screamer.

The thing that surprises me is that Kelly doesn't seem ashamed or disappointed in herself. She seems more fascinated.

I think I'd be disappointed if it were me. I'd like to imagine I'd be the one who tries to take action and save the day.

I probably wouldn't, though. I'd probably do the same thing Kelly did.

Kelly is one step ahead of me, because she's accepting and understanding of her behavior.

29. Figured psychologists could do an experiment to see how people react to finding out they were part of an experiment and acted like an average person rather than a heroic person.  Are they okay with it? Do they feel depressed afterwards? Angry? Defensive? Do they make excuses?

Maybe there has been a study like that.....

I'm not sure how to go about finding it.

30. Disturbed by racism scene on the show. Evan and his friends make a controversial advertisement about pads and menstruation. They refuse to skirt around the fact that periods involve bleeding. They show it to the asshole who ordered the ad. He looks displeased while watching it. I was guessing he was uptight about the blood thing. But no. His complaint was that Kelly (who does the monologue about blood) is a black woman. Asshole!

And he was probably a prude about the blood issue as well.

31. Had to admit I was wrong about Rex.  He ends up trying to find a job so he can go to London with Alex. He says he only said no initially, because he didn't want to promise something he couldn't deliver.

Still, that's kind of annoying. He could have told her he'd try to get a job. What's wrong with that? She'd be understanding if he ended up not being able to find one. It's better than making her feel he doesn't love her enough.

Maybe I don't feel wrong about Rex. I think he was being an ass, but in the end, he improved a bit.

32. Started watching another episode of The Secret Life of Us.

33. Delighted because I ended up being wrong about the mean doctor on the show. Well, he WAS mean. But it was one of those things where his bark was worse than his bite.  He gave Alex the idea he didn't like her, but in reality, he was just giving her tough love.

Maybe it goes back to people having different sides to themselves. Maybe the doctor isn't a nice doctor pretending to be mean. Maybe he's a doctor who is sometimes nice and sometimes an asshole.

34. Respected Alex for how she's putting together her own good-bye party. She's planning it with help from her friends. She's leading the way and then delegating responsibility to others. She's very organized about the whole thing.

It's much better than demanding her friends put a celebration together for her; demand that they plan it without her help and input (so she doesn't need to stress about it); then becomes furious and makes threats when someone accidentally mentions the party in front of her.  Because some people  act that way.  Unfortunately.

35. Had a close-to-crying moment when Alex read letter from Kelly.

Kelly was acting like a bitch—not at all interested in going to Alex's party.  But the letter revealed that Kelly was acting that way, because she was too sad about Alex leaving.

I had a feeling it was something like that. Kelly is such a wonderfully nice woman— full of love for her St. Kilda friends. Of course her rudeness would have to be about sadness and not about bitchiness and callousness.

36. Fought back tears during scene with Alex, Evan, and Kelly. It was bad enough with Evan having a  voice-over about how this was the last time, for many years, that he and Alex were alone together.  Then Kelly walks in the room. She hadn't meant to go to the party. She was supposed to go away with her boyfriend. But she had been too sad, and he drove her to the party.

37. Found out the good-bye party wasn't just a good-bye party. It was a surprise wedding between Alex and Rex.

38. Figured if I didn't have an issue with dry eyes this week, there'd probably be tears streaming down my face right now. That being said...Claudia Karvan's exit scene did provide my eyes with a bit of needed moisture.

39. Thought more about the Kelly situation—being a bitch but then explaining herself. I think that's fine.  We all have irrational moments of bitchiness. As long as you apologize and explain yourself; it's usually okay.

I had one of those moments this week. My sister drove me home so I could take care of our cat before returning to the lake house.  Later my sister, my nieces, and Jack came to pick me up.  I get a bit obsessive-compulsive when I leave Max. I worry that I'm going to close off the kitchen with his food, water, and litter box, and he won't be in it. Or I'll close off the laundry room that has his litter box. I become paranoid about something going wrong, and sometimes I check multiple times to make sure things are okay.

My niece and Jack wanted to come into the kitchen. I didn't want that, because I was afraid Max would escape without me noticing. Or something else would go wrong.

It's very doubtful anything would go wrong. I was being irrational. A bit nuts, actually. And bitchy.

When we got into the car, I explained my worries and apologized. My niece and Jack were both very nice and understanding.

Now if someone acts like this too often; then an apology and explanation won't make up for it.

But we all have occasional moments of nuttiness. Most people can be understanding of that, because they've had moments of nuttiness as well.

Alienation, Sluts, Friends, and Towels

1. Felt thankful for my blog after trying to talk to my family. We were all having a fun and friendly chat after ice-cream.  My dad told a couple of stories. Our friend told some stories. My sister told two stories. Then I wanted to tell a story. I announced that I had something to say, related to the conversation. No one gave me any attention.  They ignored me and started talking about their own things. I could have tried again when they finished...if they ever finished. I gave up and left to go exercise. That's the thing about talking to my family.  It usually feels like such a battle. It's hard to find a break in the conversation to say anything. Then if I manage that, there are usually many interruptions. I feel like I talk and stop, talk and stop; wait to see if someone will say the polite, You were saying. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't.

I feel I'm lucky if I can manage to share a brief opinion and/or respond to someone else's story. It's nearly impossible to tell my own story.

It's not as bad when I talk one on one with family members, depending on who I'm talking to.  But when there's more than one person, I usually feel lost.  It's easier and better for me to just stay quiet.

So yeah. It's nice for me to have a blog. It's nice to have a place to tell my stories and share my feelings. It's fantastic to know that sometimes people are reading and paying attention. I love all that.

2. Talked to Tim and my brother-in-law about various things, including Australia.  With them, I was actually able to talk more, even tell a very brief story or two. So maybe it's more of an issue with my immediate family.

Tim and my brother-in-law read my blog on a regular basis. My immediate family reads it very rarely. So if Tim and my brother-in-law are interested in me enough to read my blog, it fits that they also show interest in what I'm saying when I speak.

3. Thought I had forgotten an Australian birthday. Same old story. I got the email from Facebook that her birthday was on Saturday. I meant to say happy birthday on Friday (which is Saturday in Australia); but I forgot.  I remembered on Saturday morning and left her a belated birthday message.  Quickly after, I got a message back from her. She said I wasn't late! It wasn't midnight yet in Australia yet.  I'm glad I was on time.

Now there's another Aussie birthday tomorrow. We'll see if I manage to remember.

4. Read Andrew's post about the slut walk. It made me love him even more. I especially like his honest contradiction at the end.

5.  Lost a basketball game, but I had fun playing.  I'm starting to dislike sports a little less. That's good.  I mean I'm obsessed with a country that's obsessed with sports.  It would work out better if I had a tiny bit of liking for the subject matter.  Plus, Greg is TOTALLY obsessed with sports, especially basketball.  Australia for me is like sports for Greg.

I don't know if I'll ever like watching sports or keeping up with sports news, but maybe I'll like playing a little bit sometimes.

6. Saw a Port Douglas towel outside at the pool.  I had never seen it before.  We have an Australia map towel and an Australian flag towel that we brought over.   I'm assuming the Port Douglas towel came from my parents. They went to Queensland the first time they visited Australia.

7. Looked at a website about the Hotel Radisson Treetops Resorts. This is where the towel's from. I guess I shall be a nice daughter and assume my parents bought the towel at the gift shop.  

8. Decided to read about my Australian of the day on the Australian Dictionary of Biography.  

Today's person is Joseph Francis Allen.  I don't know if he was related to the Reverend William Allen from yesterday.  I also don't know if he's related to Peter Allen.

Joseph Francis Allen was born in Cornwall England, and he came to Parramatta when he was ten.

He became an architect, and made some buildings in Western Australia. He also built a ship.

He did stuff in government. He was the major of Freemantle from 1909-1914.

He did more government stuff.  None of it's too interesting to me.

His death is a bit more interesting.  He was found in the swan river.  The coroner said it wasn't suspicious.  I guess that means they don't think he was murdered.  Maybe he fell in the river?

9. Started to read editorial about the Slut Walk.  Before reading it, I'll say I don't really know how I feel about all that.  I read Andrew's post about it, and I probably have similar feelings.  I don't think women should ever be blamed for men's violence towards them.  On the other hand, I don't know if I like slut fashion.  I don't know if I'm morally against it.   If someone wants to dress that way, that's fine.   Maybe.  But I can't say I won't secretly judge them a bit. I'm sure they'd judge me and my frumpy clothes.  It's not that I'm a bad person or they're a bad person. We might just assume we come from different worlds and have nothing in common.

10. Read the editorial.  Maiy Azize questions whether it's a good idea to reclaim the word slut.   Personally, I think it's fine.  It could give women the right to openly love sex and be proud of their sexuality.  Samantha from Sex and the City is a great role model for all that.

But we're not all going to be Samantha.  That lifestyle and personality is fine for some. It's not for all of us.

Maiy Azize quotes from one of the organizers of the Toronto slutwalk.   She mentions that she rejects man-hating, hairy-legged, Birkenstock-wearing” feminists.  It's fine to be a slut.  It's also fine to be a hairy-legged feminists. Why can't women learn to accept other women?

And I include myself in this of course. I judge other women.  I look at their clothes and think things like, She doesn't look like my type of friend.

It doesn't have to be about clothes. Sometimes the woman will say something that will make me think She is SO not my type of person.  Or she'll say something, and I'll think, this woman is my soulmate.  

11. Liked this quote from Maiy Azize says here:   If, as Sonya Barnett says, so many women are uncomfortable with being labelled as feminists, then why is that not the word she is trying to reclaim? Doesn’t that make more sense than ‘reclaiming’ a word that was never ours?
Feminist, not slut, is the word we should use to describe women who support other women, consensual sex and equality. Feminist is the word that has really been taken away from us.

The word feminist does have a negative connotation.  In the extreme form, I picture a woman with hairy legs and no bra. She hates men. She looks down at women who get married, breed, and then stay home to take care of the children.  I don't like THOSE type of feminists.  I'm fine with the free-moving boobs and hairy legs. I'm not so okay with the anger and attitudes of superiority.  

I like the type of feminism that accepts diversity and choice. We can stay home and take care of our babies. We can pursue a career. We can love pink dresses and sparkly toenail polish, but it's okay if we prefer something else.

12. Felt guilty and hypocritical.  If I was a good feminist, I wouldn't be so quick to decide if a woman was my type or not.  But then I started thinking that while it's not okay to judge other women as bad or good; it's fine to judge a women on whether or not she'd be a good match for me. I've never found a perfect match, and I probably never will.  But certain types of women are more my type, and I prefer being friends with them.

13. Thought about the people in my life and realized I don't really have a perfect type of friend. I don't know my type really.  In the end, I think all you need is at least one thing in common.  Maybe we both homeschool. Maybe we both love Modern Family.  Maybe we both have vivid dreams and have a strong belief in spiritual stuff.  Maybe we both support gay rights.  Maybe we both have blogging as a hobby.  Maybe we have the same parenting philosophies.

Sometimes I can't easily find things in common with someone, but we feel relaxed with each other for some reason.   Sometimes it's just the fact that we can make each other laugh. In the end, shared laughter is often more important than shared interests, philosophies, and clothes styles.  

14. Received attention at dinner tonight. That was nice.  I even got to tell a short story. It was about the last time I ate meat.  It wasn't a long story— probably three sentences.  I'm not sure if anyone actually listened.  Maybe they did.  I don't know.

15. Picked up the Australia Map towel from the ground and put it back on the pool chair.   I then realized that Jive Talking was playing on the radio. The Bee Gees are Australian. So I had Aussie music for my moment with the Aussie towel.

16. Hung out with family outside.  Then on my way back, I saw the towel had fallen again. I started to fix i  but realized the strong wind would make it keep falling.  I also realized that the map towel is kind of special to me, and I don't want to share it. Is that selfish? Probably.

I'm leaving the Australian flag towel. So I'm not too horrible.

The map towel has special meaning to me.  It doesn't have any meaning to my family.   To them, it's just one of many towels. When they use it, they don't even realize it's Australia-related.  Well, at least that's what I'm guessing.

17. Wanted to clarify that I'm not annoyed with my family for not loving the Australia towel. I don't have any special feelings for the many towels we have here.  I probably don't even notice them. I use the towels without giving them any thought or attention.

I wouldn't expect my family to care about my Australia Map towel.  But I care about it, and I want to be greedy and not share.

18. Decided it's probably perfectly okay to be greedy and not share if other people don't have interest in or desire for the beloved object.

19. Tried to remember why I brought the Aussie towel to the lake house in the first place.  I think MAYBE I brought it just for myself to use. I think I wanted to keep that towel just for me and share the flag towel. But then the map towel got mixed up with all the other towels.

So I was probably possessive about the beloved towel from the very beginning.

I'm a little ashamed about all of this...but not too much.  

Sunday Bloody Sunday

In the wee hours of the morning, I woke up from my sleep with the lyrics "Sunday Bloody Sunday" bouncing around in my head. That in itself wouldn't be that eerie. I often have random songs and words popping into my brain. But what's weird is that LAST February, when we were wandering around Sydney, I couldn't get the song out of my head. I had worried it was some kind of awful premonition regarding the upcoming Sunday. Fortunately, the worst that happened that Sunday was that I lost our camera. Well, that's the worst that happened to my family personally. Other people around the world had much worse Sundays. In Australia, people were struggling to recover from recently losing loved ones and property in horrible fires.

Lord Wiki says the U2 song is about a true incident in Ireland. It happened in January 1972. British soldiers killed Irish protesters.

I don't know why I had this song on my mind this February, and last February. But I guess it's good I've learned something new.

I went back to sleep after having the song on my mind. At some point, I dreamed about Australia: My mom, Jack, and I head to Australia for a wedding. We stop at a couple of airports on the way. At one point, we wait at a luggage carousel. I start thinking about whether I should tell people we're coming to Sydney. I'm a bit embarrassed because we're staying there for only two days. It seems embarrassingly wasteful to go all the way to Australia for such a short time. But I worry that I'll run into people I know, and that might be awkward if I don't tell them we're coming. I also think about how I need to buy a dress for the wedding, and that I should probably lose a few pounds.

I also dreamed I got an email marriage proposal. It was very formal...more like a business proposal than a love one. I was very glad to be able to say no, thank you. I'm already married.

I think all this marriage/wedding stuff came from me watching the beginning of Sex and the City before going to bed.

Kate Ritchie

Kate Ritchie. The name sounds familiar. I'm pretty sure she's an actress. I'm going to guess that she's on a soap opera. Now this is not some kind of psychic thing. I'm just remembering seeing her name in that context before. But let's see if I'm right or wrong.

Well, I'm right.

She's an actress, and she was on a soap opera. Home and Away.

Is she still on it?

Nope. She left it in 2008. Lord Wiki says she has the Australian record for playing a soap opera character for the longest time. The role originated in 1988. I wonder what the record in America would be.

Well, Lord Wiki says the record is about playing a role continuously. Days of our Lives (and other American soap operas) have long-running characters. But many times the actor leaves for a few years. Their character usually dies, and then miraculously undies.

The one actress that comes to my mind as playing a continuous role on Days of our Lives is Allison Sweeney. Well, nope. Richie beats her. Sweeney has been on only since 1993.

Lord Wiki has a list of other characters on soap operas that have been around for a LONG time. But they're more recurring characters. They make an appearance every now and then. Sweeney's character has been the center of all the action for sixteen years.

Back to Ritchie.

She played Sally Fletcher on the show. Lord Wiki has a detailed description of this woman. I'm going to read it. What typical soap opera situations has she lived through?

1. alcoholic father
2. Mother killed in boating accident
3. Grandma developed Alzheimer's
4. Had a long lost twin brother
5. Adopted
6. adopted brother died of SIDS
7. Another adopted brother died in boating accident
8. Crush on foster brother
9. Boyfriend burned in fire
10. Man appeared claiming she had been his daughter in a past life
11. Adopted father died while trying to rescue someone from drowning
12. Got lost in the woods after a rafting accident
13. lost her virginity to a guy later arrested for smuggling in illegal aliens
14. Shot during an armed robbery
15. developed obsessive compulsive disorder
16. Ended up with ovarian cancer
17. tried having children via a surrogate mother.
18. Pushed off a ladder by the Summer Bay Stalker. Yikes!
19. Narrowly escaped an exploding building
20. Stabbed by a former gang member she was trying to help
21. Found long lost twin brother
22. Had near death experience

Strangely, it seems she never suffered from amnesia. Maybe I missed that. Or maybe it's just an American soap opera affliction. I think almost everyone on Days of our Lives has had amnesia at least once. It's like a requirement.

Well, enough about Fletcher. Let's go back to Ritchie.

She was born 14 August 1978 in Goulburn New South Wales. We went there!

Ritchie attended Campbelltown North Public School. Is that near Goulburn, or did the family move?

Well, I'm looking at Google Maps. It's near Sydney...or maybe in Sydney. I'm not sure where Sydney officially ends. It's about an hour south of the CBD.

Ritchie later went to Hurlstone Agricultural High School. It's a school for students interested in agriculture. Was this what Ritchie wanted before she went the actress route? Or were her parents farmers? Did they expect her to follow in their career path?

She started on Home and Away when she was about ten. Did she go to these schools before her acting career began, or did she go to school while on the show?

Ritchie is the oldest of four younger siblings. She probably does NOT have a long lost twin out there. But who knows.....

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-departed to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online  a novel by Dina Roberts 

I'm trying to decide whether I want to read about her career with Lord Wiki, or jump over to IMDb. I think I'm going to start with Lord Wiki. Maybe I'll use IMDb to fill in the blanks.

In 1986, Ritchie was in a miniseries called Cyclone Tracey. She would have been about eight then. It was about the big storm that hit Darwin in 1974.

Although Home and Away premiered in 1988, her work with the show began in 1987. Ritchie was not quite nine when she started working for them.

In 2006, Ritchie appeared in a TV movie called Stepfather of the Bride. It was a romantic comedy.

Ritchie has been on something called the Merrick  and Rosso show. I'm confused about that. I think they might have a radio show and a TV show? Okay. Yeah. Lord Wiki says they have both. It seems Ritchie appeared just once on the TV show. But she may have had a bigger part on the radio show. Maybe?

In 2009, Ritchie was on UnderBelly. She's been on two episodes so far. But she may be in more later. I'm a bit confused again.

Currently, Ritchie is the spokesperson for Vaseline. Interesting.

She's quitting a radio show she's been on. That's Nova 96.9's breakfast team. She wants to put more energy into acting.

She's going to be hosting the ARIA awards on 26 November.

She's engaged to a sport guy named Stuart Webb. I'm not sure when their wedding will be.

Oh! She was also the co-host of a contest/game show called It Takes Two. I missed that before. In this show, contestants are matched with celebrities, and they sing a duo together. I think I've seen a clip of it from YouTube.

Speaking of YouTube, I'm going to go and do breakfast with Jack. Then I'm going to try and watch some Ritchie stuff.

One more thing before I leave Lord Wiki. Ritchie won Logie awards in 2006, 2007, and 2008. I guess it took awhile for people to realize they liked her. Well, I'm just surprised she didn't win anything earlier.

Okay.....I'm back from breakfast. It looks like YouTube has a lot of fun stuff. I'll start watching.

I'm going to begin with a montage of Sally Fletcher.

It's fun watching that little girl grow up, but I feel certain scenes were shown for too long.

Ritchie is cute. I think she has a unique type of beauty.

Here's Ritchie being interviewed on her last day on the set of Home and Away.

That brought a few tears to my eyes...especially when Ritchie herself got all choked up.

She talks about how she used to resent people saying they watched her grow up. I can understand. They didn't watch HER grow up. They watched Sally Fletcher grow up. But now Ritchie is okay with all that.

Once Home and Away was done, Ritchie did an interview with Rove.

Ritchie talks about the Logies. She says being at the show is more enjoyable when you're not nominated. I can understand that too. I imagine the nominees are horribly nervous. I'm not sure which is worse....losing, or winning and having to go up to make a speech.

She cries a lot. She's an emotional person.

Rove seems somewhat surprised that Ritchie's mother came with her to the Logies when Ritchie was twelve. I don't get that. I would think it would be strange for her NOT to have her mother there. She was only a child. Maybe I'm overprotective. Maybe I'm thinking of a child Jack's age rather than one that's twelve. I don't know. I just don't see an awards show as something a child should attend alone. Maybe I'm thinking of the stuff that happened to Drew Barrymore.

Ritchie would turn gay for Monica Bellucci. I didn't know who that was, so I had to ask Lord Wiki. She's an Italian actress. She's pretty but not my type. I'd more likely turn gay for Ritchie.

Here's Ritchie winning one of her Logie awards. It's a Gold Logie...for most popular actress. She beat Adam Hills, Rove, Andrew Denton, a guy who looks familiar to me, and some other people I've never seen before. That's pretty impressive. I guess the award is for best person on TV period. Well, it's subjective, of course.

Ritchie received the award after she had finished up with Home and Away. She talks about how it's the end of a long chapter in her life, but she's opening up a new chapter, blah, blah, blah. She hopes this is not the last we see of her......

It's always a risk when an actor leaves a TV show they've been on for a long time. Many huge TV actors disappear into oblivion. But then sometimes they DO come back. It looks like, so far, Ritchie has NOT vanished yet. She's keeping busy and visible.

Oh. It's so sweet and beautiful. The one person she thanked by name was Sally Fletcher. That made me cry.

You know the one other person I've seen do something like that was Kristin Davies during the Sex and the City finale special. She talked about saying good-bye to Charlotte. That made me cry too.

Ritchie was featured on Australia Story. I might not watch the whole thing. I think I'll watch part of it, and then read the transcript.

I love the Feist song they're playing in the background. But it might make me cry too. I'm very emotional today.

Ritchie played Fletcher from the age of eight to twenty-eight. Now that's something that doesn't often happen on Days of our Lives. Children have freaky growth spurts on American soap operas. They're a baby one day and then suddenly they're five years-old. They go away to school or to visit relatives. Then they return as teenagers. Does that ever happen on Australian soap operas?

A friend interviewed on the show says that Ritchie is an extrovert. That surprises me. I picture most actors as being introverts, and Ritchie strikes me that way. I could be wrong, though. Or maybe the friend is confusing outgoing with extroversion. My guess is that most actors are outgoing introverts. They enjoy being alone, but they're good at the whole socializing thing.

Richie's dad was a policeman. That's interesting. In the Rove interview, she said she'd like to dress up as is a policewoman. I wonder if there's a part of her that feels guilty for not following in her dad's footsteps.

I'm having fun playing psychoanalyst here. But I'm probably totally wrong about everything.

She says her parents were NOT like typical stage parents. When I was a preschool teacher, one of our kids DID have the typical stage parents. The child ended up with a role on a soap opera and an appearance or two on some major prime time stuff. I wonder how she's doing. And I wonder if the acting was something she liked or something her parents pushed her into. It could have been a combination of both.

Well, from what this video is saying....it seems to me that Ritchie DID have typical stage parents. Maybe her definition of stage parents is different than mine.

Daddy Ritchie didn't want his kids to be shy, so he put them in situations to get the shyness out of them. I don't know how I feel about that. I was a shy child. I didn't like being a shy child. But I don't know what parents can do to make you overcome that. Did Katie's father manage to fix a shy child?

I don't know.

Ritchie did school while working on the set. She went to school until about noon. Then she worked on the set from then until about eight at night. That's pretty crazy! If I was going to push homeschooling for any family, it would be one like that. When would this child have time to play and be by herself? I'm sure there was a lot of down time on the set. I would have suggested they have a tutor work with her during that time. Then I'd let her be free during the mornings. Although she would need some time to memorize her script.

Ritchie cried the first time an adult asked her for her autograph. It seems she didn't like strangers approaching her. Jack is that way. He doesn't like when unknown adults try to talk to him. I'm trying to teach him that he can be shy, but he needs to be polite. A quick shy response is all I demand of him. He doesn't need to act all loud and outgoing. There are some adults who won't accept that, though. They keep talking....asking question after question. I guess they're oblivious. Some outgoing adults have a very hard time being sympathetic towards shy people.

At some point, it seemed Ritchie didn't like Sally Fletcher. I think she wanted a better character...someone with more exciting storylines. Really? From what Lord Wiki said, she seemed pretty damn exciting to me.

During her high school years, she was teased a bit. The show plays such dramatic music while talking about this. I do feel for Ritchie. Bullying is bad. But it probably happens to every child. If she wasn't picked on for being an actress, she'd be picked on for something else.

I was going to start reading the transcript instead, but it seems a bit incomplete. I'll continue watching the show.

Ritchie talks about how it's helpful to go off and play a different character when you're having a hard time in your own life. That makes sense. I think, though, that sometimes just staying busy helps. It's nice to feel we have a purpose; or at least a reason to get out of bed.

Ritchie says she feels sometimes that Sally Fletcher is upset with her for leaving the show. She and her family think of the character as being real. Ritchie seems somewhat worried about sounding crazy. I don't think there's anything wrong with how Ritchie feels. It all makes sense to me.

Although with all this talk of Fletcher being real, I'm getting one of those horror movies in my mind. Soap opera character becomes real and haunts actress who left her behind....

Ritchie says she considers herself an actress and wants to return to it. And I guess she eventually did (Underbelly) She says it's NOT something she did simply because her parents had one day taken her to an audition.

A man on the show says that Ritchie is a delightful person despite being spoiled as young actresses often are. That doesn't surprise me too much. My guess is the spoiled brats are people who come into fame suddenly. One minute they're nobody. The next minute they're somebody. And they forget how to be nice.

I know the behavior of certain starlets contradict my theory. But I'm going to guess that many children who grow up in the business do slowly learn to be fairly decent human beings. It might take a few trials and tribulations to get there.

Ritchie talks about comparing her life to Fletcher's. Fletcher's life was much more dramatic and exciting. In comparison Ritchie is someone who worked on a TV show for twenty years.

That's something I've wondered about before. How does it feel when the character you play is more interesting than you are. I would think about that when I watched Gillian Anderson on X-Files. She's an actress. And that is exciting. A lot of people would love that job. But her character is this super intelligent doctor who goes on all these exciting adventures.

Does Daniel Radcliffe ever wish he was truly Harry Potter?

Does Kristen Stewart ever wish she truly was Bella Swan?

None of these people are that fabulous compared to the characters they play. I think that would be a somewhat depressing fact to face up to.

While playing the role, it's probably not that bad. You're somewhat living the life of the character. Then when off camera, you're the center of so much attention. But what happens when it ends, and the attention fades?

I think it would be emotionally traumatic.

I think it would be a huge blown up version of how I feel when I finish reading a really good book or come out of the theater after a great movie. There's a sense of loss. I often feel a bit empty inside. I want to go back into the story. I don't want it to be over. Even more so, I don't want to face the fact that it's all pretend.

Anyway, I'm going to end here. I'm tired, and I have lots of stuff to do today.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Sarah Blasko

I had Sarah Blasko stuff on my YouTube Playlist. I can't remember what the songs were, though.

I'm going to go check now.

Okay.

I have Cinders, and her singing an Elton John Song. At least, I think that's an Elton John song....

Oh wait. There's more.

Planet New Year

I often had my playlist music playing in the background. I didn't always pay it much attention; who sang what and all that.

Some stuff did stick out to me. Missy Higgins, Cold Chisel, The Panics, Nick Cave, Ben Lee.....

And then other stuff I kind of just ignored.

I guess I've ignored Blasko. But now I shall be giving her a lot of attention.

It's time to meet up with Lord Wiki.

She's young! I pictured her older for some reason; like in her forties. But she's actually younger than me.

She was born on 23 September 1976.

Birthday Website Time!

She's a Libra and a 1 in numerology. 1 is the independent leader person. 

I think of the Libra as a romantic.

My younger sister is a Libra. I definitely see her as a romantic.

Ah, this is interesting. I never realized this before. This astrology website says that Libra's symbol (the scales) is the only sign that's inanimate. All the other signs represent living things.

The website says that Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.

This sounds like my sister. She's pretty. Blasko is too.

But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident. 

Ah! This really reminds me of my sister. I wonder if she'd agree.

Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism. This is totally my sister! If I'm upset about something, it's pretty much impossible for me to hide it from her. I don't care how happy I pretend to be. She KNOWS that something is wrong.

Blasko was born in Sydney. Her family had just gotten back from Reunion France where they had been missionaries. 

Ah, religious people. This might get interesting.

Oh no. Wait. 

Reunion is not a city in France. It's a French Island near Madagascar. These days I can't think of Madagascar without thinking of Sasha Baron Cohen and David Schwimmer.

Blasko's career began in the early 1990's. She did work with a band called Acquiesce. They toured France together. Ah, the French thing again. When I think of France, I think of Paris and the final episode of Sex and the City. I still haven't seen the movie! I need to.

In 2002, Blasko went solo. It seems she was disillusioned with people she tried to work with. I guess she didn't abandon everyone, though. She did get financial assistance from her manager.

Her music got picked up by community radio and Triple J.

I'm finding this boring, kind of.

I don't find myself much interested in the business aspect of music.

Oh well.

I'll try to survive this.

After Blasko had some independent success, she got signed onto a label with Dew Process. They're located in Brisbane. Other artists that are with them (that I've heard of) include: Ben Lee, Bernard Fanning, and the Panics.

Blasko's debut album was called The Overture and the Underscore.

The musical director of Triple J rated it as number nine on his list of favorite albums of 2004.

It got to #35 on the ARIA music charts. According to Lord Wiki, this is based on music sold in Australia. and the folks on the chart aren't necessarily Australian.

The number one single right now is Jai Ho (You are My Destiny). It's from the movie Slumdog Millionaires. I've never heard of it. I'm telling you. I am so out of it when it comes to music.

The number one album right now is Ronan Keating's Songs for My Mother. Well, that fits for Mother's Day. I never heard of Keating either. He's Irish. He used to be with Boyzone. That sounds vaguely familiar.

Back to Blasko's album. She co-wrote the songs with Robert F. Cranny. The album was nominated for album of the year.

A song from the album (Always Worth It) was featured in the last episode of Rachel Griffith's TV Show Six Feet Under.

Lord Wiki says Blasko did a lot of cover songs. I love cover songs. I like listening to them on YouTube. I love FabtheGap's one for a Joshua Radin song. And I love Midnightfirefly14's Across the Universe.

Blasko did the song Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House. She performed the song at the 2006 Commonwealth Games.

She also did the Cold Chisel song Flame Trees. The song was featured in the movie Little Fish, an Australian movie about Heroin.

I think I like the Cold Chisel version better. But I think I'm always going to choose Jimmy Barnes. I love his voice.

In 2006, Blasko had another album...What the Sea wants, the Sea Will Have. That reminds me of the Prince of Tides thing. Man wonders but God decides when to kill the prince of tides. I don't know why the album made me think of that.   I guess it's just the ocean association.

The album premiered at #7 on the ARIA charts. That's pretty good.

All right. I'm done with Lord Wiki.

Where should we go next? How about the official site? Ah, it's a blog. I got confused for a second, because it looks more like an average regular blog than a celebrity thing.

Her favorite animal is the horse.

My favorite animal used to be humans, but lately they've been annoying me. I think now I'm going to pick lizards and sharks as my favorites.

Ah! Blasko is on Twitter. We'll get back to that later. But while we're on the subject....

I'm becoming self-conscious about the whole Twitter thing. I feel like I keep replying to people and they don't respond back. Now I know people don't respond to every little message. I don't. So it makes sense that we're all ignored SOME of the time. But I feel I'm ignored A LOT. I see these people responding to other people's messages. But they never respond to mine. I'm starting to get a complex here.

Here's an interview with Blasko....on the blog. It seems she's a big fan of Nick Cave. 

I love some of his songs--like The Ship Song. But my Pandora station plays stuff of his I don't like. I'm afraid to give it the thumbs down because I've heard if you do this for two songs of one artist, they ban that artist from your radio station. I can't ban Nick Cave! That's like a sin or something. I think it could get me banned from Australia.

I think it's cute that Blasko has her own blog. She seems like a sweet blogger.

She's on MySpace as well. She's an Internet girl....like me!

She last logged in on May 5. That was yesterday for me. May 5. It seems like an important date for some reason. I'm thinking maybe one of my grandmas died that day.

On the 24th of May, Blasko going to be performing at the Writer's Festival in Sydney. This looks like a fun event. 

Germaine Greer is going to be there. A woman named Monica Ali is pictured on their website. She looks like one of my sister's friends!

Richard Flanagan will be there.

This seems like a big event, People! You should go!

Morris Gleitzman is going to be there!!!!

Sarah Blasko is going to be at a discussion regarding who gets to call themselves a writer. My personal definition of a writer is anyone who writes. I consider myself to be a writer. Anyone who has a blog is a writer. If someone writes me emails, I consider them to be a writer. Now if they make money from writing I'd consider them to be a PROFESSIONAL writer.

Okay. Now I'm on Twitter. It's a bit disappointing. She hasn't done much here. She has only five updates and only 260 followers.

Maybe I'll read more of her blog instead.

Her favorite movie is Annie Hall.

Is that the one that has the annoying guy at the movie theater? I'm going to go check. Yep! It is! Classic scene.

Blasko was in Sweden for awhile. There's that Swedish-Australian connection again....

When she was there, she cooked for a friend. She made one of her signature dishes which is Asian stir fry over mashed potatoes. That's pretty different. I'd like to try it one day.

I'm going to look at other bloggers now, see if anyone says something exciting about Blasko.

Eleven Magazine says Blasko did music for a production of Hamlet. She received a Green Room Award nomination. The Green Room is rather local. I think it's just for Melbourne theater. But still. That's pretty cool.

Ah, I just saw someone mention the parent missionary thing. It reminded me that I haven't found much about her childhood. Maybe she has an Andrew Denton interview? Those always are good at going into the childhood stuff.

No! Crap. I don't see anything. That's kind of crazy.

Okay, but this website has some stuff.

She started writing terrible songs when she was eighteen or nineteen.

I started out writing terrible short stories.

Terrible is probably a common way to begin things.

As a child she wanted to be a veterinarian, but her math and science grades discouraged her.

At her university Blasko studied English Literature and film. 

I did one semester of film graduate school. I absolutely hated it. But before that, I took a film course at Vanderbilt University during the summer. I loved that. We watched a lot of movies and had great discussions. It was here that I saw Meet Me in St. Louis for the first time. I had to leave the room I think because I started crying. My family moved around a lot, so I could really relate to the story. I think the lines that really got to me were from "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas".

Faithful friends who are dear to us will be near to us once more. Someday soon we all will be together If the fates allow..... until then we'll have to muddle through somehow.

Oh and I love that scene at the dance when Garland is dancing with her Grandpa and....Oh, I won't give anything away in case some of you haven't seen the movie.

Maybe I just need to do a Meet Me in St. Louis Post.

We also watched The Exorcist. The professor talked about how a movie monster's fearfulness will often be diminished if it's shown too much. In the beginning of The Exorcist, you hardly see the demon. The bits and pieces here and there are terrifying. But towards the end, the viewer is likely to become habituated to it. If seen enough, it becomes somewhat comical.

As a six-year-old, I never saw the end, though. I made it to where the demon voice says, The Sow is Mine. Then I sat on the hard kitchen floor covering my eyes and my ears...begging someone to turn off the movie. As luck had it, I returned to the room during the head spinning scene.

All that traumatized me for quite a long time. But by the time I was in college, I was mature and brave enough to happily watch the whole movie.

The funny thing is, I don't think it was the movie itself that messed with me. I think it was the fact that I couldn't get rid of something scary. It was that lack of control. For years after that, I'd have bad dreams where there's a scary thing on TV and I can't turn the TV off.

It has definitely had an effect on how I parent Jack. I pretty much let him watch anything....except like porno and extreme violence. But I don't really personally watch that stuff myself. If he's okay with it, I'll let him see it. If something scares him, though, I'll turn it off. The funny thing is....the stuff that scares him is usually stuff that has been made for children.

I think sometimes people believe I baby Jack with his fears. I often quickly rescue him from whatever scares him. I rush him away from it. But I think that comes from my own childhood experiences. I don't want him to feel the same way. Yeah, I might be overcompensating. Who knows. And Jack might overcompensate back. He might PUSH his kids into all that they fear. You're afraid of clowns? Yeah? Well, we're going to the circus and then we'll shake hands with Ronald McDonald. Ah, my poor future grandchildren.

Oh lord. I've really gone off on a tangent here.

Back to Sarah Blasko.

Well, actually that article doesn't have much else about the beginning of her life. Did she not have a beginning of life? Maybe she's an alien that landed in Australia from Venus or something.

Wait. Maybe her fansite has something.

She sang in church.

Her dad liked Paul McCartney, Johnny Cash, and Bob Dylan.

Her mom liked Olivia Newton John.

I guess that's her childhood music.

The music my parents inflicted on me included John Denver, The Sound of Music, Air Supply, Hall and Oates, Alabama, Kenny Rogers, James Taylor, Peter, Paul, and Mary, and the Beatles. To this day, I still love most of that stuff. It's like family memories, you know. 

So, what music did you guys get indoctrinated with?

When she was in year 8, as a punishment Blasko was forced to do a music lesson for the class. Guess what the teacher said..... Young Lady. You do not have a musical bone in your body. 

That's funny but more sad than funny. Sometimes when I hear these stories, I think well maybe it's good that people say these stupid cruel things. I think often it gives people the drive to go out and prove them wrong. One of Tim's teachers (or guidance counselor?) told him he shouldn't go to college. Tim ended up with a college degree.

But I don't know. Do people become successful because someone insulted them during their childhood, or do they become successful DESPITE the insults. And for every Tim who ends up proving their teacher/counselor wrong, how many proved them right? How many kids take these insults to heart and give up?

This article has some information about Blasko's Christian upbringing. Her parents were very religious. Blasko grew up with Church, but she didn't end up being religious. She's actually turned off by the whole thing. She says, So often I heard the Anglican church pay out the Pentecostal church and the Pentecostals pay out the Anglicans. There's no love within the denominations and to me that's just proof that something's really wrong.

I think we're fooling ourselves as parents if we believe our children are going to grow up still believing what we pushed down their throats. I try NOT to push my beliefs on Jack but for now he's adopted what I believe. Like me, he doesn't believe in God but he does believe in spiritual stuff. He has little interest in Judaism.

A few weeks ago, we were singing Abba songs together. We got to the song "I have a Dream". He said we should sing the Darwin version and then belted out, I believe in evolution......(instead of I believe in angels) Then about a week ago, he made a comic in which a waffle fights God. So my child is a little heathen.

My niece has parents that have strongly embraced Judaism. They send their daughters to a Jewish school. The kids know Hebrew. They love the whole Jewish thing.

But you know what's likely to happen? As adults, Jack will probably end up as a rabbi singing Zum Gali Gali with camp children. His cousin will probably give up the Judaism for Wicca.

You just never know.

I once saw this atheist woman's blog, and she said parents who teach their children about fictional gods are awful....blah, blah, blah. She also said homeschooling is child abuse. Yeah, I'm not a fan of this lady, nor am I a fan of our local rabbi who said almost the same thing.

Anyway, I bet this woman will push Atheism on her kids. And I bet her kids are going to end up as snake handlers in a Pentecostal church.

Well, on that note....I shall end this now.

See ya later.


Read my novel: The Dead are Online