Synchronocity Leads Me to Bonding With 2011-Me

Last night I had a dream that involved a discussion about how some Australian people sound more British to me than Australian.

Then...this morning I started reading an old blog post of mine.

Okay. Detour here.  Because of annoying changes on Blogger, I had to change my already somewhat complicated way of choosing which blog post to read.

So now what I do is look at the stats for my most popular posts in the last 24 hours. I go to the 7th post...and if that one already has my new labels, I move to the 13th post.

Well, I guess I should explain that my purpose in reading old blog posts is not just to reconnect with my past self but also to label or relabel old posts.

If both the 7th and 13th post don't need to be labeled or relabled, I move to the NOW stats and do the 7th or 13th post there.  My blog isn't super popular, so sometimes the blog posts don't even go up to 7.  In that case, I just have a day off. 

Anyway, my purpose of explaining this is to A) show my probable-autism in action B)illustrate the randomness to which I pick the blog post.

Well, is it still random?  It's actually very systematic. 

But...it's more like the universe is picking the post than me deliberately deciding I want to read this particular post.  

Am I making any sense?

I hope so.

So...to get back to my story.

It ended up that in the post, the universe has chosen for me today, I talk about British and Australian accents.  I had been a bit satisfied, because, while we were in line at the Epcot Food and Wine Festival, Tim finally made some acknowledgment of my ability to speak in an Australian accent.  

Now I'm going to read the rest of the post and see if there is any more synchronocity...or other fun stuff. 

The post has a lot of stuff about bucket filling and bucket dipping....the analogy.  I was really into that.  

Okay. Here's some more synchronocity.  Back then (in 2011, by the way) I wrote: Situations like that happen to me sometimes.  Someone will vent to me, and it's hard to give them sympathy, because I relate more to the person they're mad at.  I feel defensive about my own past actions, because they're like the guilty party's actions in the venting person's story.

That happened to me this week. Sort of. I related to the object of the venting and had sympathy, but I also (and more) strongly related to the person venting.  It's like I've been on both ends of the situation.

Oh! I just read further and see that I said, I think often, though, I manage to be reasonably sympathetic.  I guess the trick is to realize, in most cases, I CAN see both sides of the story.  I just have to think hard and carefully about it.

I feel I'm really bonding with 2011-Me right now.

2011-Me had a good example-story for the situation: 

Let's say an email-pal goes on and on about their annoying friend who's a vegetarian.   Of course I'm going to relate more to the email-pal's friend. I'm a vegetarian too.

And I'll probably be annoyed at my email-pal for being so intolerant of the vegetarian.

However, if I think hard about it, I can remember times when I've been annoyed by someone's alternative food lifestyle.  This is especially the case when the person is especially fanatic about it.

Once I remember these feelings, I can be empathetic instead of bitchy.

Oh no!!!!!

I just realized (saw) that this is the trip where I had the American Idol audition-trauma at Hollywood Studios.   

It was a horrible experience that filled me with major self-doubt.

I'm finding it kind of funny...both ha ha and sad/funny, because back then I had so much confusion and self-doubt about whether or not I'm a good singer. And now I'm having all this confusion and self-doubt about whether I'm autistic or not.

Now when I'm in a more mentally stable mood, I have a (probably) realistic idea of my singing ability. I think what is comes down to is I'm a FANTASTIC singer every so often. This is usually when no one is listening, and I haven't turned any camera on to record myself.  I also have to be in the right mood.

I'm sometimes lucky enough to be a good or great singer when I'm in the right mood, and there are some people listening...like family members.

Besides those times, I am a mediocre singer or a bad singer.  

When I auditioned at Hollywood Studios, I was horribly nervous, and I was probably a bad singer. On top of that, the nervousness likely made the audition people uncomfortable. And they probably didn't want to make the audience feel that discomfort...especially since the audience is supposed to be on vacation at the happiest place on earth.  

On top of all that that, I strongly believe there was some ageism involved. I think if I was of the age that American Idol preferred, they might have thought my nervousness was charming.  

In the 2011 post, I try to be light about the whole thing.  Or sort of light.  But I was very hurt...and my self-esteem took quite a plunge.  I say, I know all the people who get annoyed by my almost-constant singing will be glad to know that I'm as bad as they believed. They win.

This connects well back to the accent thing. I had often felt hurt by Tim (and other people in the family) not complimenting/acknowledging my singing and my fake accenting. 

I was desperate for validation.  I'm still often desperate. That hasn't changed.

I think maybe I should seek validation from my past self and give the same back to her.  I'll assure her that she's a sometimes a really good singer and also sometimes good at faking accents, and she can assure me that I'm not imagining that I'm autistic.  

A photo of me on that 2011 trip. I'm wearing a 
T-shirt I had made. I really think that should be
a question on all Autism tests: "Have you ever
made your own T-shirt about your special interest
and then wore it in public?" 

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

My Life in 1995 (part 7)

More excerpts from my 1995 diary.

I'm onto the part of my life where I had just finished college.

Today I had a job interview with the zoo. I might work in the petting zoo. 

Last night I talked to Tim. He left this really long message on the answering machine. 

Melissa and Dawn thought he sounded nice. (5/9/95)

And when they met Tim, Melissa and Dawn grew to love him. They are two of the many women that Tim has charmed with his magical Tim powers.

At dinner we all laughed a lot because Melissa kept singing this weird phase, "Oh a biscuit". Melissa has been practicing her monologue all day.  (5/9/95)

I think this was the time that Melissa was the star of her school play.

I wonder if "Oh a biscuit" was something they used in drama class.

Well, I just Googled "Oh a Biscuit" to see if it was some kind of acting activity. I didn't find anything.

Maybe she just made it up. She IS very creative.

I went to the grocery store with my mom. We also ate lunch. I am in need of a Mother's Day Present. (5/11/95).

I like reading about times I did stuff with my mom.

I talked to Tim for more than 2 hours, and now I think my parents will kill me. I hope I get a job soon. (5/11/95)

Those were the days where long distance relationships were highly monetized.

I can't wait to see Tim. Melissa and I laid out all day and we got very sunburned. (5/13/95)

I wonder why I laid out like that. I'm not often a lay-in-the-sun kind of person. Was I trying to get tan for Tim?

I was kind of expecting my diary to tell the story of how I ended up deciding to visit Tim in New York. But I'm not seeing it. Fortunately, I have some memories.

Our family friends were having a wedding near NYC, and this gave me an excuse to go visit that guy from camp I now had a crush on. Otherwise, it would seem a bit full on. You know....

But then for some reason, my parents canceled the wedding plans. That was very disappointing. I no longer had a reasonable excuse to visit Tim. Somehow I convinced them to let me go anyway. And somehow I made plans to visit Tim without seeming like a total stalker.  I'm not sure how I managed that.

I think my dad is drunk. Well, at least he is acting weird. He is always seeming to put on an act. (5/13/95)

Yeah. I still see this in my dad a lot. It's like he's on stage even though he's not on stage.

I haven't gotten in a fight with anyone in my family yet, but that is not saying much because I've been only home for a week. (5/15/95)

The grammar there is messed up. It sounds like I hadn't left the house in a week. If that was the case, I think there probably WOULD be fighting.

It is 2:42 in the morning, and I'm listening to music. I put new pictures on my bulletin board. Ran across many old faces. It is memory lane now. (5/18/95)

While traveling down memory lane, I'm reading about past journeys down memory lane.

We saw Dichard. It is a great movie. My mom didn't like it. She called it unrealistic. These days whenever my parents don't like a movie they call it unrealistic. (5/19/95)

I have no idea what movie I was talking about there. I'm guessing I misspelled it. I Googled similar words and couldn't find anything.

Maybe if I look in May 1995 film releases?

No...didn't find anything.

I looked in April as well.

It could have been something we rented?

I just realized I am going to NY on the anniversary of Dawn's accident. May 26. I think this is the 5 year anniversary.  (5/21/95)

I think Dawn would have been mad if she knew I had forgotten. Knowing myself...if I was her, I'd be offended as well.

Well...at least I remembered eventually.

I really like Tim a lot. I talked to him on the phone for 2 hours last night. He is just so nice and funny. I feel a strong connection to him. 

The funniest thing is I said I'd never date anyone again. 

I guess even I break promises to my own self. (5/21/95)

Was this my way of complaining that people break promises they've made to me, and I was joining them in that game?  Or did I mean, lots of people break promises to themselves, and now I'm one of them as well.

Grandma is doing better, but people think she won't make it through the summer. (5/24/95)

She DID make it through the summer, but she died a year or two after that. I often forget if she died in 1996 or 1997.

I'll go check.

Okay.

She died on May 5, 1997.  So it was close to two years later.

Work was fun. I think my new friend is Elliot the cat. He stayed in the room with me a lot. He is a nice animal. After work I went to the zoo and visited the apes. The orangutan was leaning against the glass. It was special because I've never been that close to an orangutan. He was very cute. 

I was kind of jealous because he was giving this little girl all the attention. I wanted him to give me attention. Oh well. You can't have everything. (5/24/95)

I had gotten the job at the zoo.

Reading the above makes me kind of wish I had given up (at least temporarily) on writing and film and pursued a career in animals instead.

Maybe I could have been a zookeeper.

On the other hand, I'm quite satisfied having Annie and our new cat, Yeti.

There have been many times where we've said no more pets. We're going to give ourselves more freedom to travel. But...I think I'm realizing I need animals in my life. And not just animals I observe from the window or in the backyard. Those experiences are lovely. But I think I also need animals that are my best friends.

I am in love with Tim and he's in love with me. I think he will be the man I end up marrying and he thinks so too. (5/29/95)

Well...I guess a lot happened on that one weekend.

Did we really talk about marriage so soon?

I think he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just hope things work out because things seem to good to be true. I love him so much. 

It is pretty funny. This weekend has really changed my life and now I am so happy. (5/29/95)

I think back then I relied way too much on life events for happiness and sadness.

I'm sure if Tim hadn't returned my romantic feelings, I would have come home depressed and suicidal.

I think the best mental health advice comes from the poem by Rudyard Kipling: If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same.

And, of course, I'm not criticizing a young woman for being happy about finding love. Who wouldn't be happy in that case?

I just know, from reading my diaries, and seeing my track record...it was too easy for me to ride those ups and downs.

In New York, we hung out and went shopping and did fun things. It was one of the best and happiest times of my life. I hope it stays happy. I really do. (5/29/95)

It stayed PARTLY happy. But since I live in real life and not a fairy tale, there's also been sadness, anger, disappointment, etc

I really am in love with Tim. He wrote me 3 very sweet letters tonight. He is so special to me. I hope I spend my life with him because he is so nice.  Tim told me about really awful things in his childhood and he is so strong. It makes me realize that no matter how bad your life was, you can't use it as an excuse to be a bad person. Tim is very inspirational to me. He is great and wonderful. (6/2/95)

I wonder if I told him about the negative things that happened to me in my childhood. And if I did, how did he respond? And what was he thinking and feeling?  Was it along the lines of, well, that's nothing compared to what I've been through?  Or was he as touched by, and interested in, my life story as much as I had been by his?

The thing is, the inspiration I once felt gradually morphed into resentment. A feeling developed of Tim being the star of our story, and I have often felt like a supporting character. Often it seems like my problems, aspirations, and backstory matter less than his.

Some of those feelings come from my own self-esteem issues. But I won't give myself all the credit. I believe a lot of it comes from things Tim has said, done, not said, and not done.

There is no way to please my mother and my father will always take credit for what I do and who I am. That is their nature. I can't change them. I can only work on myself. My mother is displeased with everything and she keeps sticking up for Matthew. That is because he is like Dad. 

I need to realize this is my life and to do things on my own, because I can't do things to please my parents. They can never be pleased. (6/8/95)

That IS so not true! They were very pleased when I developed an eating disorder and lost tons of weight.

Okay, and they've also been pleased at other times.

They're very pleased that I brought Tim into the family.

They're pleased I gave them a grandchild.

They were very pleased when I made family videos, and that was wonderful. I felt I was contributing something important to the family. But then, a few years later, they turned around and gave the filmmaker role to Tim.

I'm trying to think of other times that I've been able to please or impress them.

Singing! My mom is very nice about my singing. I like that. Also my mom has given me nice compliments on how I interact with the children in the family. That was very sweet of her.

My dad once gave me really nice compliments on a screenplay I had written. Or was it a novel?  Maybe both?

This summer, my dad acted pleased that I had unloaded the dishwasher. I think he was working on being more appreciative of other people doing chores. It was nice of him to be thankful.  But it was kind of a mess on that occasion, because it ended up that there was confusion over whether those dishes had been clean or dirty.

Lately I feel a yuckiness in my heart and I feel weird. (6/6/95)

I wonder if it's related to the weird feelings I get today.

Usually, they ARE yucky feelings. Yesterday, though, I had one that wasn't bad,  I felt this pressure in my head, but it felt kind of cool instead of awful.  Maybe it felt like being on drugs?

Last night Tim called and said he might come to Chicago. I love him so much.  He is the best guy I have ever met. (6/8/95)

We were visiting family and having a graduation party for my cousins and me.

I am so happy because Tim is definitely coming to Chicago. That is the nicest thing a guy has ever done for me. (6/11/95)

Yes. It was very nice!

I really love Tim, but sometimes I worry he is too great and he is not a gift from God, but a cruel trick where something too perfect is snatched away from me. But I know I must stop thinking that way. (6/22/95)

I can't blame myself for that skepticism. It's hard to have faith in love when you've had negative prior experiences. And what person hasn't? It's a miracle that any of us have faith in love.

Sometimes I feel so detached from my life. It is like I am watching one of those movies where I don't feel like I am part of it. It is strange. 

I am waiting for Tim to call.

We have been dating for a month now.

I love him.

Sometimes I am scared because I am growing up and there are so many changes. 

In the movie yesterday they said people are afraid of change but they shouldn't be because they should find comfort in knowing that the one thing that will always be guaranteed is that there will be change. Nothing stays the same. (7/1/95)

It's like that song from Avenue Q—"For Now".

There HAVE been lots of changes.

I no longer see Tim through rose-colored glasses.

I no longer work at the zoo.

I AM back to living in the same house, though!  Sometimes change involves going back to where you started.




Click HERE for the index to my diary/journal posts.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

My Life in 1994 (Part 14)

More excerpts from my 1994 diary entries.

My mom and I had a long talk tonight about stuff. I realized something, that for some reason I have a child locked inside within me. I don't know how she got there, but I have a feeling she got stuck from some past life.

The question is what to do with that child. I don't think I'm ready to get rid of her. I think I need to learn to take care of her. I need to realize I am her mother and that I need to take care of her, not someone else. (12/18/94)

I think I have less of that child within me now. I'm guessing it's because I did what I said I should do. I took care of her and stopped relying on other people to do it for me.

It's not complete. But for the most part, I've learned to rely on myself when it comes to emotional needs. The same can't be said for financial and transportation needs, unfortunately.  I also need help opening jars sometimes.

I don't trust anyone anymore and I wish I was dead. I've been hurt enough in these past 22 years and I don't see any reason for putting myself through so many more years. There is nothing to look forward to now. I don't even care about film school or anything. I am worthless. I'd be better off dead. I don't even want to be dead. I want to be nonexistent. I want to turn back time and disappear from existence. I hate all guys and I hate (can't read word here) all girls.

I think I should jump off the boat, but I am too chicken. (12/19/94)

I was wondering, what boat? Then I realized we must have been on a cruise.

Well...fun cruise. Yikes.

Though now that I think of it, some of our biggest family dramas happen on vacations. There was a dreadful one on our most recent cruise. I was on the outside of it—not directly involved. But still. It caused stress for everyone, I think.

As for the long-ago cruise, I remember there was a British casino worker I had been flirting with on a cruise. He made a comment, or asked a question, about me being pregnant. Because I've always had a pudgy tummy. I remember being upset about that.

Was this that cruise? And is that why I was feeling worthless?

I was thinking that if it is, it's nuts that I got so depressed over one incident. BUT I think it's usually not about one incident. The one incident or comment will bring up memories of many past negative incidents.

I don't understand any of it. It is not fair at all. He should not have done this to me. It is worse that he made me trust him. He is beyond cruel. I'm talking about Charles. I wish I was dead. (12/19/94)

Okay, so maybe it wasn't Casino-boy.

What did Charles do?

I think it was a misunderstanding and I overreacted. Because from what I remember, I broke up with him.  Or really, we had a fight and I thought it was the end. Then I was annoyed to learn that he didn't realize it had ended.

I want to live and I feel bad for what I wrote yesterday. I guess I was just so upset. Today I am upset because I want to live but I have this stupid fear that I am going to die. (12/20/94)

I kind of think I wasn't right in the head.

Well, I don't think I've ever been right in the head. And I don't think there's any human out there that's right in the head. But on that cruise? It sounds like I was very much not right in the head.

I talked to Charles last night. He finally called and we talked for a long time and it was a great conversation. We talked about my doubts, my back, his friend's dirty apartment, Peter Pan, Snow White, spring break, etc, etc. I hope things work out between us. (12/20/94)

I'm not proud of my past self for depending on a guy for my happiness. He doesn't like me...I want to kill myself. Never mind. He likes me. I want to live!

Unfortunately, I do, occasionally, still have days like this.

The last was during Thanksgiving. I went home to stay with Annie, our cat. I had gotten in a big fight with my sister and husband.  We had sort of all made up, but I was still upset. Then the next day, I wasn't hearing much from anyone. I felt neglected and forgotten. Oh also I was estranged from my parents and got this idea that everyone was talking about me. I imagined everyone bitching about me to the point of hating me. I was really diving deep into delusion. I felt worthless and depressed.

THEN I learned that there had been a huge family drama at the lake house while I was safely at home with Annie.  The fight was so bad that it led to everyone leaving the lake house early—Saturday instead of the planned-on Sunday.

The fight was very stressful and awful—depressing. But it did boost my self-esteem a bit, because sometimes I feel (delusionally) that I'm the cause of most family problems. The fight proved me wrong. Plus...they also had that big fight on the cruise.

There is actually a ton of family drama that doesn't directly involve me.

Anyway, though.  I still need to work on keeping my self-esteem at healthy levels when things go wrong...or, even more so, when I imagine they're going wrong.

We went to Target today and bought shit for the trip. (12/21/94)

Now I'm thinking we weren't even on a cruise. I think we were getting ready for one...or some other type of trip.

Plus I should have suspected something before. I don't think we were able to receive phone calls from friends or boyfriends on cruise ships.

Then...what boat was I talking about?

Oh! Wait. Maybe I was talking about the boat we'd be going on...if we were going on a cruise.

Melissa is so rude to mom. It is so annoying. (12/94/91)

Another reminder that I'm not the only one that causes drama in the family.

I think there was a time where, when my parents would fight, I would take my mom's side and Dawn and Melissa would take my dad's.

Mom and I went to Soup and Salad and talked about friendships. It was interesting. (12/21/94)

That's cool.

I'm mad because I accidentally packed one of the books I was going to read on the cruise. (12/22/94)

So...yeah. We were going on a cruise.

Today we sang Christmas Carols which was fun but weird. David was there acting rather foolish. At least Dawn and Melissa thought so. He was mildly amusing to me, but he wasn't very nice. I think he is a little stuck on himself. (12/24/94)

I'm not sure who David is. I assume he's someone we met on the ship?

All day I've been thinking about vampires because I dreamed about Lestat. I want to dream about vampires again. (12/25/94)

I like how dreams influence my daytime thoughts sometimes.

I felt bad because Dawn got mad at Judd and he acted hurt and then he got sick. I feel so bad for him. (12/25/94)

As much as it hurts to feel other people angry at me, I think it's often worse to see someone else being the target of anger.

Melissa and I had fun at nap time. We sang songs from Evita, Annie, Pete's Dragon, etc. It seems like this cruise, the fun is on the 7th deck and at nap time. (12/26/94)

Well, I guess we weren't getting much sleep at nap time.

And where was Dawn? Was she trying to sleep? Were we keeping her awake?

Oh...wait. She was probably sharing a cabin with Judd.

It is hard to believe that Charles and I have been going out for a month. I think that is pretty cool. Nights here on this boat suck, but Lestat improves them. Thank God for Anne Rice. (12/27/94)

Well...it seems it was actually that my waking life was influencing my dreams.

It actually goes both ways, though. I will dream about something I'm reading or watching. Then the dream will make me become more interested and attached to the book, movie, TV show, etc.

I hate the disco here. (12/27/94)

I think I was unable to greatly enjoy this cruise because I kept comparing it to the magical time we had on the last cruise.

Today I finished listening to The Body Thief. I finished listening to it while the sun was setting. I saw the sky change from light blue to red to dark blue. 

We went on a submarine. It was not so great. I've seen more exciting fish in the pet shop.

I am in love with Lestat.  I think my true happiness and excitement in life comes from watching movies and reading books. Once in awhile, my real life gets glimpses of excitement. (12/28/94)

I still feel the same way...minus the crush on Lestat.

Today we went to Antigua which was very nice. The people there were super nice. A cop asked for my address so we could be penpals. (12/29/94)

I vaguely remember that.

It's been awhile since I've had a positive feeling about a police officer. But that police officer wasn't a US police officer. And if I remember correctly, he wasn't white.

Melissa and I got in a big fight but when we made up, we got along even better. It is funny how when you get in a fight, it brings people closer together.  (12/30/94)

I no longer feel that way.

I think a part of me used to like fights, because I felt it brought things out in the open. I think I felt that they were...maybe...cleansing?

Now I hate them 100%.

They very rarely solve anything. There might be moments of tenderness and bonding. But I think the real problems just get pushed under the rug. Nothing is really solved.  And the same themes are repeated over and over again.

This cruise bothers me a lot on how the cruise staff acts like bums and is treated like royalty while the dining room staff is treated like shit.  (12/30/94)

I wonder if I had also noticed that the higher ranking (and better treated) staff is usually white while the other staff is usually not white.

I wonder...how many cruise directors are people of color? And how about ship captains and other ship officers? Are there many that are not white?

Oh!  I just read further down!  I DID notice.

Now I'm not sure if I want to work on a ship. All the cruise staff is white while dining room staff is nonwhite or hispanic or Indian. There is something wrong here. (12/30/94)

I was more woke than I remembered.

As for my way of describing race... I guess I thought of only black people as being nonwhite.

The last time we went to Disney World, I finally noticed what I should have noticed long ago. There's something not right with their employment practices.

It seems to me that most people who interact directly with customers are white. This includes the cast members at the entrance, the front desk at the hotels, the people working the rides, the wait staff at restaurants and kiosks, etc.  The exception are places with certain country themes. For example, I see a fair amount of black people working at Disney's Animal Kingdom—the park and the resort. They both have an African theme. Asians work at the China and Japan pavilions in Epcot. The Mexico pavilion has Hispanic people.

What bothered me the most was that there weren't more black and brown people in the other country pavilions.  Canada isn't all white. Neither is the United Kingdom, France, Norway, Germany, etc. But if we were to make assumptions about a country's population based on Epcot World Showcase staffing, I think we'd be making incorrect ones.

I went to bed pretty early last night. 2:00. That is early considering last year we never went to bed. (12/30/94)

On our last cruise, I had all these grand plans of staying up late and hanging out with Dawn. We'd go to shows, hang out at the disco, etc.

I ended up going to bed early each night.

I ended up on an early schedule. I was usually up around 6.

I felt disappointed in myself and the situation.  I keep trying to tell myself it's okay—that you just get another type of cruise experience. I doubt I rarely experienced mornings on a cruise when I was a teen or young adult.

I think on vacations you have to decide are you going to A) be an early riser—enjoy the quiet of the morning. B) party most of the night C) give up sleep.

My personality and sleep style fits much better with A.  I need to just kind of accept that and stop regretting that I no longer do much at night.

Plus...I don't usually feel good at night.

Still. I feel bad. I feel I disappointed myself. And maybe I was a disappointment to Dawn as well. I'm not sure how much she was counting on me.

Click HERE for the index to my diary/journal posts.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online

My Life in 1994 (Part 9)

More excerpts from my diaries!

It will be so nice to get a break from AOL. Some guy majorly offended me today and then I offended Lostway. (8/11/94)

It was the beginnings of something most of us now experience—the desire for connection with strangers mixed with the need to escape from all of them.

It is strange how a plane crash can bring strangers together. So close. Sometimes when I get on a plane, I look at the people and think these are the people I may be stranded with on a snowy mountain. Sometimes at Synagogue I think, these are the people in the concentration camp with me.

Someone called Judd and yelled anti-semitic things to him and threatened to bomb his house. I remember when I didn't know about racism or anti-semitism.

I think Pierre (not sure if that's the word here?) is wrong now. I don't think education is what can cure the evils of the world. An educated mind can be just as evil as an ignorant mind. Sometimes education helps, but sometimes it causes so much harm. (8/12/94)

Yep.

I guess the thing about education is it's also indoctrination. When we desire for people to be educated, we imagine they're going learn what WE want them to learn. But this is not always the case.

We went to the circus today. It was a lot of fun. They had a lot of animals. Tigers, camels, llamas, mountain lions, elephants, horses, chimpanzees, and baboons. Oh yea. Buffalo and zebra (8/13/94)

I guess I was ignorant about the mistreatment of circus animals.

One could argue that education would remove my ignorance and lead me to not supporting circuses. BUT that's only if I read the information that was against circus animals. What if, instead, I read things written by people who defended the use of animals in circuses?

My stomach really hurts. (8/11/94)

It seems like almost every diary entry has a mention of my stomach hurting. I'm sparing my blog most of that, but decided I should note that it's there.

I was so proud of my dad today because he admitted his mistakes. (8/11/94)

I wonder, what mistakes?

Big ones he's made through out life or more trivial ones he made that day?

Melissa pretends to hate how she looks, but I think she knows she is beautiful. She has that I-have-a-boyfriend-so-I-must-be-special attitude. Today I thought how the time Melissa did not want to go to the airport because she wanted to spend the day with Brad, because holy shit she would not see him for a full week later while she would not see me for a month or so. (8/15/94)

I remember that. I didn't like that she put more priority over her boyfriend than her sister.

I think I'd be more understanding about it now.

I think there were times that I got mad at Melissa for being so obsessed with a guy. But reading my diary, I don't think I was any different than her!

I just found the address of a mystery dude named Michael Mason. I have no earthly idea who this guy is. He wrote his address in my calendar book. I remember no guy with the name Michael Mason.
This is so weird. 

Maybe someone wrote the address there as a joke. I am utterly confused about this. (8/16/94)

So...even then I was mystified by people I was supposed to remember but didn't.

It is eerily funny. Earlier in my diary, I wrote about a squirrel playing with 2 black birds. Yesterday there was a dead squirrel on the road. 2 blackbirds were trying to eat it. (8/17/94)

It seems the friendship evolved into...something different.

I talked about dreading my class Jewish-Christian polemics. Mom and Dad told me to look the word up in the dictionary. It means controversy and argument. Now I'm pretty excited for the class. (8/17/94)

I don't remember taking that class, but I hope it was as good as I anticipated.

Besides stomachaches, another thing in my diary I've seen a lot but haven't mentioned is, I dreaded returning to school my senior year. I'm not sure why.

I found out Joanne is Effie's friend and she is my roommate. She is very nice. All my roommates are black again, but I think this time it will be better.

I am so uptight and upset though! Joanne is a comforting person though. I need that. At this point I either need people to leave me alone, get the hell out of my way, or be nice and caring towards me. I need someone to be my friend. I don't want phony acquaintance or small talk. (8/18/94)

I think I was just having a lack of social-motivation.

I am so tired but I'm trying to stay up in order to watch The Stand. Doug called me today. I went with Luke and him to the used tape store. (8/20/94)

Jack and I were just talking about stores that sell media, and how they're slowly fading from existence.

Or are they?

The used ones might be doing okay, because people are still needing to get rid of their old stuff.

Oh well. Joanne is leaving for Nashville with Effie and it is 1 AM. I like Joanne so far. I almost locked myself in the bathroom. SCARY. Katina seems nice too. (8/20/94)

I guess Katina was the other new roommate.

It's weird. I don't remember her name at all. I mean seeing it doesn't ring a bell in my brain. But I do have a very vague memory of her. I think she was...sweet, probably.

Well, I don't remember anything negative, at least.

My roommates are very nice. They have more varied interests. It seemed like Stacey and Arenthia didn't enjoy anything too much unless it had to do with black people. (8/21/94)

So, it was okay for me to be into my Jewishness, but it was not okay for my roommates to be into their blackness?

I hate hypocritical attitudes like that.

I am upset right now. Everyone is trying to give me advice or comfort me. I used to like to cry when I was upset so people could comfort me and give me attention. Now I know they just pity me and the next day they will treat me like shit again. (8/22/94)

I don't know what I was referring to there.

I am getting along well with my roommates. Joanne called me into her room and had a long talk with me. She is nice. Katina is too. (8/23/94)

I remember this. It's when Joanne told me she knew I had problems with my past roommates and assured me this year would be better.

I like Gary Sinese and Rob Lowe. They are my new crushes. (8/23/94)

Thanks to The Stand miniseries.

I haven't put up my Israeli calander. For some reason I expect my roommates to hate me as soon as they find out I'm Jewish.

I should put it up. Maybe they will not notice it is Jewish. (8/24/94)

That's a luxury Jews have over black people. We can choose to hide what makes some people prejudice against us.

Well, I suppose black people can hide on the Internet. But in the physical world, they can't.

Not that anyone should need or want to hide. In a perfect world everyone could feel safe and comfortable showing their true selves.

Chris and I talked about making a musical together based on one of my screenplays. (8/25/94)

Oh man. I wish I could reunite with Chris. I'd really love to make a musical.

I ended up telling Joanne I was Jewish. To my surprise, she was really cool about it. She's very nice. (8/26/94)

That's good!

It's funny how having a crush on a guy motivates me so much. I used to think it was a terrible thing to like a guy and go places just because he might be there. But now I see that is what gets me out of my room sometimes. (8/27/94)

I like that.

I'm not sure if I ever thought of that before. But yeah. I think crushes motivate me to be more social.

Life is dull, but not bad. Everyone is leaving me this weekend. But I am not too upset about that. I almost look forward to being alone. I know I'll hate it tremendously when it happens. But now I can sing loud and bond with myself. (8/31/94)

These days I sing loudly even when not home alone.

Brock gave me the I'm-not-obsessed-with-sex-like-other-guys speech. I told him I heard that one a 1000 times. I didn't want to be mean, but I'm sick of that game. (9/2/94)

Yeah. That game is annoying. So is the, I'm-a-nice-guy-why-am-I-always-rejected game.

I had a awesome time tonight. I felt like Patricia Arquette in True Romance. "You're so Cool".  I met these people. One was a girl who worked for animal rights organization. Her husband was a member of a band. He is gorgeous and from England. Then there was a guy Mike who is a sports broadcaster. I thought he was awesome. I pretty much forgot about him, but then when I got home there was a message from him on my machine. And it bugs the shit out of me that I have to go out with Brock tomorrow. (9/3/94)

I remember a sports broadcaster. I'm not sure if that was Mike or not. I don't remember any of the others!

I survived the date with Brock. I barely made it. I tried to be nice, but I think he knew I was not having a great time. I feel bad, but I shouldn't. By being nice, I'm leading him on.

Mike the sports due asked me out. I'm going out with him tomorrow. Now he is cute! I look forward to that. Perhaps because it is doubtful that I'll see him again. So there is no pressure. (9/4/94)

The Mike thing would end up backfiring. He kissed me. I thought he liked me. I developed feelings for him, and then he didn't call again.

I don't remember Brock at all.

I went out with Mike. I like him a whole lot. I think he is the best looking guy I've ever gone out with. (9/5/94)

I am sad because Mike didn't call and he said he would. Oh well. I guess it is just a bunch of disappointments. (9/6/94)

I love many Jewish Chattanooga people. It's too bad I have to leave and never see them again. (9/6/94)

I don't remember many of them individually, but I do remember liking the community. That's something. Right?

Supposidly a girl named Tara is moving in with us. That name sounds so familar. But who is she? I have no idea. (9/6/94)

I thought we already had the full occupancy of 4 in the room. I thought it was Joanne, Katina, Me, and Effie. But I guess not. I guess Effie wasn't living with us. Oops.

I am not devastated about Mike yet. I am trying to avoid that, the poems, the tears, etc. I must be strong about such things. (9/7/94)

Happiness is leaving me. Now I feel worse because I fear that Mike calling me is not just rejection but an omen. I remember now that on Tuesday not only did Mike not call me but Marlyn C. stood me up. Oh what a great way to start New Years. (9/9/94)

I was referring to the Jewish new year—Rosh Hashanah.

I keep praying and praying for Mike to call me. This is becoming so important. I keep waiting for the phone to ring. I don't understand. Is God testing me? What is this game we play? (9/9/94)

It all seems a bit silly and desperate now. But I do remember how hard it was. You go on a date. You might have a little worry and skepticism, but for the most part, you imagine it's the beginning of an exciting, wonderful romance.  You look forward to the first phone call, and it never happens.

I'm starting to worry about Mike. He still has not called. But then I think if he died, I would have heard. On the other hand, he may not have frequent contact with his parents, so they may not know he is missing. (9/10/94)

Oye.

What do you call that kind of thinking?  It's like a mixture of delusion, fantasy, avoidance, worry, and fear.

I'm sure it does happen, though—that someone's waiting for that phone call; they feel rejected; then it turns out that there was a dreadful tragedy.

I was supposed to go out with Chris and he stood me up. Then I called Luke. He didn't even want to talk to me because he was watching football. Then out of the blue, Joanne enters the apartment with 4 kids. At first I was mad, but then the kids warmed my heart. They're cute and fairly well behaved.

I cooked spaghetti today. 

I asked Jennifer what she is doing tonight. She said me, Austin, and Chris are going to the Sandbar. Does she invite me? No! What the fuck?

The only fun thing of today was Catina, Joanne, and Cicely came into my room and we talked about girl talk sort of stuff. They're funny and nice. I got good roommates, Thank God. Too bad the rest of my life sucks. (9/10/94)

I'm glad I had nice roommates to make up for all that rejection.

Catina, I assume is Katina.  I was probably spelling her name wrong at first; then saw it written out and corrected myself.

Okay. He has still not called. I sent him the letter. Oh well.

The good thing is James wrote me today. He wrote on my computer. Now I might have to go back to liking him. 

 I just realized I asked for my troubles.

I kept thinking I missed that feeling of waiting for some guy to call and wondering if he liked me. What was I thinking? How could I wish that upon myself? I worry about myself sometimes. (9/11/94)

Well, in defense of my wish. It IS fun and wonderful if/when they do call.

I love that I referred to email as "he wrote on my computer".

Now I know why Buddha saw desire as being bad. I want him to call so much that it hurts. I think I may mean this literally because my body has been aching lately. (9/13/94)

Life is easier when I'm not in a want/wishing mode. It's a little more boring, though.

But I'd rather have the boring than the rejection, drama, disappointment, etc.

I called him tonight even though I made a rule not too. (9/16/94)

I think it's usually much better NOT to break such a rule.

I cried today, but only for a little while. I called Mike and he was alive. I know this will sound terrible but I am mad at him for that. I hated his guts a few hours ago, but now I am mellow. I still think of him a lot, but I think things will get better. At least now I know he is a typical male asshole and not a romantic dead hero. (9/17/94)

OR maybe it was good to break the rule. By calling, I helped shut down the delusion and could move on with life.

I think the better, trick, though, is to let go.

If you go on a date with someone and they die, it's sad, but it's really not your problem. If you're meant to know, somehow the news will travel to you.

Evelyn P. called. We talked for a long time. She told me Passha died last summer. I wasn't surprised but I was sad still the same because I hoped for some miracle.

I hope I can go to camp next year. I want to get back in touch with that part of my life.

I WOULD get back in touch with that part of my life...but not via camp.



Note: I forgot to record the date of the last excerpt and that diary is in the garbage dump now. Oops. 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

My Life in 1993 (Part 3)

New diary time!

I like this one. It has a French cafe kind of feel to it. Plus I like pink.

These excerpts are from my junior year of college.

I thought of something today. I worry that I'm being too nice to Russ and that he'll catch on to the fact that I like him. I worry about going over there or asking him not to leave, etc. 

Then I remembered before I had any feelings for him, I was sickly nice. I remember once saying "I won't go unless you go". I was always so nice to him. (10/17/93)

I definitely don't agree with the motto "Treat them mean; keep them keen".  But I do think it's easier to be very nice to someone when we don't have feelings for them. Once we have feelings, it's harder to be very nice, because there's the risk of rejection. Well, rejection hurts even if it's from a platonic type of relationship. But I think rejection stings much more when it comes from a romantic interest.

I feel so bad because Doug came here and I was so mean to him. I know he deserved it, but I still feel bad. I hate to hurt people. I hate to say no to people. I just feel so guilty all the time. (10/20/93)

I'm still this way.

I wonder what Doug did that was deserving of my wrath.

For a moment today I was really attracted to Chris. I was in his room with Vance and him. I don't know. I really don't think anyone will take me serious until next semester. Russ probably still sees me as Austin's ex-woman. (10/21/93)

Tonight I went out with Dana and Jennifer and Tony. We ate at Chili's. It was fun and I appreciated being invited. (10/22/93).

Yeah. It's nice to be invited.

Well...when you want to go, and you want to be included.

It's much less fun when you don't want to go, and then you have to feel stressed out about saying no.

Today was homecoming and I participated in none of it. This weekend was a female bonding thing.

This afternoon I hung out with Vanessa. She is nice, but a bit weird. She gets on my nerves sometimes. (10/23/93)

Vanessa was like me in that she became obsessed with cultures she didn't belong to.  Although she might not have jumped around like I do.

When I knew her, she was obsessed with Islam and Muslims. Is that still the case? Is she still passionate about that? Has she found new passions?

I wore bright pink today, which I like to do sometimes. (10/25/93)

Funny seeing that after mentioning that I like the pink on the diary.

But maybe that's why I bought the diary in the first place.

I still like Susan, though. She might transfer back here. Oh and I'm not being dishonest with myself. I said over and over that I love Mike when really he repulsed me. I'll try to be honest. Susan is still my best friend, but in some ways I feel like I'm outgrowing her or perhaps she is outgrowing me. And that is such a depressing thought because I had so much fun with her. 

Oh, now that I think of her being here, I think it wonderful and I regret my words above. We could have so much fun and maybe I shall feel more secure. (10/26/93)

I know it sounds like I pulled Susan suddenly out of thin air. But, no. We did have a strong, fun friendship the year before. It's just I guess I took her for granted when writing in my diary.

Susan did end up transferring. When I think back to that time, I feel it was more about her rejecting me. But who knows... She might have rejected me, because she felt I was rejecting her.

Dana locked her key in her car. It gave me an excuse to call David. He was super nice on the phone. Then later I ran into Dawn who was going to see David. I saw him and he was super nice again. He joked with me and when I sprayed him with water, he made a comment about me not talking to him all semester. 

Of course I started liking him again. (10/29/93)

Uh...oh.

Susan and I are definitely drifting apart. This sucks. In a way,  I think we are both jealous of each other. She's jealous because I hang out with other female and I'm jealous because she spends more time with Ashley than me. (10/30/93)

I'm guessing Ashley is a male name in this case. Otherwise, I'd probably say something like we're both jealous of each other's other female friends.

Today was a terrible day. River Phoenix died and Melissa was in a car wreck. Melissa's okay. River is not. (10/31/93)

I remember River Phoenix dying, but I don't remember my sister's car accident. But...I think it was pretty minor. I think I'd remember her having a major accident.

Today Eric was in the library looking at microfilm about River Phoenix. He said his death upset him because he had hoped to one day meet River Phoenix.  It reminded me a lot of me and Heather O'Rourke. I started thinking about how River Phoenix and Heather O'Rourke were in the movie Surviving together. Now they're both dead. (11/1/93)

I think maybe that's why some of us are hit hard by celebrity deaths. It's not just the loss of a favorite...something.  It's the loss of a fantasy. It's the loss of an imagined future-friend, future-coworker, future lover, etc.  But maybe those fantasies are more likely when we're young...and/or delusional.

And even if there's no delusional fantasies, there's still the loss of potential future enjoyed movies, TV shows, books, concerts, etc.

Maybe River Phoenix would have made more great movies.

Maybe he'd now be the star of a Netflix TV show.

Today I got an 89 on my test which upset me. Libby understood how I felt. 89 isn't bad, but I really deserved an A. (11/4/93)

I like that I had the confidence to believe I deserved an A. OR...at least pretended to my diary that I had confidence.

I think an 89 is quite relative. If you're struggling in a class, an 89 would be fantastic. If you think you're doing excellent work, an 89 might feel unfair and/or disappointing.

I want a stuffed animal for my birthday. (11/4/93).

I still love stuffed animals. Though we have way too many, and I'm not sure what to do with them.

Throw them away? Donate them to a thrift store? Save them?

I might save them, because I once got rid of my childhood favorites, and I still kind of regret that.

I just want to be alone. No roommates. No anything. I want to go to the graveyard alone. I'm sick of people. Everyone annoys me, even nice people. I just see someone and I feel like hiding. (11/5/93)

I still get that way sometimes. It's much better now. It's easy to find time alone when your child is a teenager.

It's probably not so easy when you're living on a college campus.

Tonight no one got on my nerves. I liked Effie. I even felt forgiving towards Doug. Maybe it's all because of Scrooged. That miracle can happen to you! (11/6/93).

I love that movie. It's been so long since I've seen it.

I'm still wondering what Doug did to make me so mad.

The only thing offensive I remember him doing is having information about Holocaust denial. But I don't remember getting mad at him about that. I think I just felt...exasperated? There's that feeling when someone starts to believe something ignorant, and you're at a loss about what to do. Should you try to reason with them? Is it worth it? Are you smart and persuasive enough to get them on your side?

You know what I'm thinking. My first sexual experience sucked. It was terrible, painful, and mundane. I hate for Mike for that. I don't blame him for the pain but for the conning me into it. (11/7/93)

I had planned to avoid most of the sex stuff, but I felt that was significant.

It reminds me of this editorial—"The Female Price of Male Pleasure".

I was about to say how many women have been coerced into sex?  But that seems like a silly question?  It would be better to say how many women have NOT ever been coerced into sex? Or: How many women have been coerced into sex multiple times?

The number might not be overly high if we're talking about the traditional idea of coercion—rape, threats of violence, ridicule, etc.                 

But it's a different story if we include things like begging, puppy dog eyes, flattery, guilt trips, sulking, silent treatments, etc.

I'm getting sick of the Holocaust and Zionism. Now I'd rather read about Jewish customs, Hasidism, etc. (11/8/93).

I don't often mention my Jewish-obsession, but it was there. Though I guess it wasn't as strong as my obsession with Russ, Austin, David, etc.

I just almost swallowed a part of my pen. I could have choked and died right here, right now while writing in this diary. What an embarrassing way to die. (11/14/93)

Well, I'm glad I survived.  Back in the days when pens were used by almost everyone on a daily basis...I wonder how many people choked on a pen-piece and died?

I cried at dinner today for 3 reasons.  The first reason is because I might not be able to go home on Thanksgiving. The second reason is because no one is interested in celebrating my birthday with me. Chris is going to see Cameron. The third reason is because of what is happening to the group. It is dismantling. (11/17/93).

I don't think I ever had a time that I was unable to go home for Thanksgiving. I was wondering why I'd believe it to be a threat. Now I'm thinking it was probably weather related.

This would have been my 21st birthday. I remember it being lonely and disappointing. I think maybe Luke was the only one there.

I should mention Luke more often. He's in the diary sometimes, but I guess I don't find the mentions interesting enough.

If he was there for my lonely birthday, it was nice of him. I don't blame myself for being disappointed, though. It's not about Luke. I'm sure it's just that I wanted more than one person celebrating with me. And even more than that, I'm sure I wanted one of my crushes with me.

I've lost my parents and David still has a girlfriend. That's the main news of today. (11/18/93)

Where did my parents go?

I'm mystified by all this.

Hopefully my past self will do some explaining.

Okay...here's more Thanksgiving stuff:  Hopefully I can go home for Thanksgiving. Otherwise I'll stay here because I don't think I want to go home with a friend. I'd rather sit here and feel sorry for myself. (11/18/93)

Yeah. I guess it was weather. OR...maybe something went wrong with buying the plane tickets? Or there could have been a strike?

I had a pretty nice day. I watched Untamed Heart with Jennifer and then we went to Kenny Rogers Roasters. Then I went to Chris's and watched SNL. I've decided that for now on I will be a hermit and only do things when other people initiate it. I know that sounds weak, but I'm sick of initiating plans. (11/20/93).

I actually think it's a good plan. From what I'm reading, I feel I was way too social in college. And I think there was an issue with me having to seek people out rather than them seeking me out. It's not great for one's self-esteem.

The generous side of me is thinking that people didn't seek me out, because they didn't need to. I made myself available, and they took me for granted. The mean side of me is thinking all these people might have wished me to disappear, but they didn't have magical powers. And they didn't want to be rude or mean.

It's probably a mixture of both things, actually.

I went out to dinner with Vanessa and Carlina and Carlina's sister. I had a lot of fun with them. Vanessa got me a bunch of Kool-Aid, which I really needed. Carlina and her sister got me a card, which was thoughtful, considering none of my friends seem like they plan to acknowledge that it is my birthday. Maybe I'm assuming things. But I doubt it. Tomorrow we shall see. (11/21/72).

I guess it wasn't just Luke who had been there for me. That's nice.

I think a problem I've often had is that I give more thought to those who disappoint me than to those that are there for me.

As for the Kool-Aid?  I don't know. Was I into Kool-Aid at some point?

I was very hurt by Chris today. He did not call or do anything for my birthday. That made me feel very sad.

But I still had a good birthday, because people did come through for me. My dad called 3 times. My mom called twice. My sister called once and then they all called. 

Luke called and then he took me out for yogurt. I appreciated it a lot.

Mike came over and gave me a card.

Vanessa came over and then she ate dinner with me.

But even if a hundred people helped me celebrate my birthday, I'd still be hurt by Chris. (11/22/93)

I like that even though I was disappointed and hurt on my birthday, I still TRIED to appreciate the people that were there for me.

I talked to a guy named Charles about writing for a black pamphlet called the Liberator. (11/23/93)

Uh...WHAT?

It sounds really intriguing.

I dated a Charles for awhile. Was this him?

And was this pamphlet black in color or did it have something to do with Black people?  If it's the latter, why would they want me to write in it?

Well...I've done some Googling and thinking. I'm guessing it's about black people, because why would I have taken note of the literal color of the pamphlet.

Oh!!

Wait. I just reread what I wrote. I originally interpreted it as him asking me to write for it. But maybe I just meant that he talked about writing for it! That makes more sense. If he was Black.

I was thinking it could be a special section of the newsletter—from the perspective of a white person. But do we not get enough white perspective in this world?

I am tired and I'm full. This is a weird hotel. My family is together again and already there are sparks of arguments. No fights have sprouted, but they're bud is there. In Invasion of the Body Snatcher language, the arguments are still in the pod stage. 

Mel, Dawn, and I had fun on the plane. (11/24/93).  I'm guessing we all went to California to visit my grandparents. Or we might have gone to Chicago?

I started thinking about how David said he would make me laugh on my death bed just by counting to 3. I just think it's amazing how much I love him. (11/25/93)

I think that's kind of sweet...for some reason.

They played Boggle today and I was bored. I didn't bring enough books. I'm almost finished with the Exorcist. No, I'm not almost finished, but I read more than 100 pages in about an hour. This book has to last me thru tomorrow and the plane ride Sunday.

I'm getting fat and unattractive. I'll go on a diet on Monday. (11/26/93).

Oh young, thin girl. If you could see us now. You'd be horrified and angry.

So...we were in California visiting my grandparents. That's where the Boggling would happen.

I get along well with my dad very well now. Maybe it's because I am not so afraid of The Exorcist anymore. I faced my biggest fear. Maybe I am at peace now. (11/26/93)

You might be at peace temporarily, but trust me...that peace aint going to last long.

One thing I need to stop doing is excusing what my dad did, because I ended up liking horror movies, or even worse, giving him credit for introducing me to horror movies.

My liking of horror movies doesn't excuse the fact that he exposed me to something terrifying when I was too young to psychologically protect myself.

I finished reading The Exorcist. I loved it. In fact, it almost made me cry. It was great...The book Exorcist did not disappoint me in the way the movie did. It did not leave me with a bunch of questions and left open possibilities that Regan wasn't possessed.

And it made me feel sadness when the priest died. Here I loved Karras. In the movie, he totally bored me. 

I feel bad for the demon too because he must be desperately bored to start such sideshows.  

And when I watched the first season of the TV show, I thought they made Pazuzu look pathetic. Why is this powerful, ancient demon wasting his time stalking the same family for decades?  I think it's kind of insulting, actually. The real Pazuzu should protest—maybe have a march or something.

I was so rejected on the plane. I was sitting in between a college age guy and girl. He hardly spoke any words to me. Then later he started asking her questions with me in the middle. It was like I was sandwiched in between their flirting. I did get in the conversation. Why is it so important for me to be outwardly beautiful? I'm going on a healthy starvation diet tomorrow. If I get anorexic and die...oh well. (11/28/93)

About twelve years later, I would have an eating disorder.

I was thinking that every time I have people telling me I'm going to hell because I am a Jew, I always find comfort in knowing Steven Spielberg is Jewish. I think he may be my mentor or one of them. (12/1/93)

I've forgotten how hard it is to live among a bunch of Bible Belt people. And there was no Twitter back then to help you feel less alone.

Then I went to temple. The rabbi's sermon was interesting for the first time. He talked about Hanukah and how it is ironic that the holiday celebrates religious pride and it is the time of year that Jews are so tempted to join Christians on their holidays. (12/3/93)

Yeah. That is kind of ironic.

I finally gave into the temptation...a year ago? Maybe two years. We got our first Christmas tree. I've often wanted one. I had this idea that if I had a Christmas tree, it wouldn't be all fancy, boring, and uniform. It would be free-spirited—each ornament would mean something.

I guess what I didn't realize is that meaningful ornaments can be expensive....especially if your family likes Disney and pop culture.

I can't remember if we decorated the tree for two years or just one. But when we first started, our tree was decorated mostly with Disney Magicbands and those little koala pincher things.

Now that I think of it...it was probably just one year. I think 2016. Then for Christmas, we bought some ornaments and put them up. It still looked pretty unattractive, though.

The sad thing is, the tree is still up. We're so lazy. We haven't taken it down yet.

And it gets worse. Since our tree was still up, we could have decorated it for 2017 Christmas. But...no.  We didn't. The problem is, I actually started taking the tree down. I think because Annie (the cat) was messing with it. But I didn't finish. So we have this half-tree. Oh. And also, I think the lights were too tangled, and we didn't want to mess with it.

Anyway, the moral of the story is SOME Jews can handle a Christmas tree and should have one. But Jews like us? No!

Then when I got home there was a message from Russ. He only called because he knew Dana was there, of course. He asked me if I wanted my script. I went over and he was really nice, almost too nice. He started saying these things about how women shouldn't have to be cooking and should do what they want. It was like Mrs. Sexist Pig was turning into Gloria Steinan (Is that her name?). He even apologized for missing my birthday. It was weird. When I said I wasn't going to call anymore and wait for people to call me, I figured I'd have at least one weekend all alone. I guess I was lucky, but that lonely time will come. Life is a see-saw. It's full of ups and downs. (12/4/93)

Yep. One day we can feel loved and wanted. Another day we can feel invisible and ignored.

Today Vanessa, Chris, and I went to the coffee shop. Chris wants to be a priest. I think that's cool. Vanessa said she thought I was the prettiest girl on campus. If that was true, I'm pitiful. If I'm the prettiest girl on campus and I don't find a boyfriend, how would I ever find one being ugly. I only sometimes think I'm pretty. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm in love with myself. Other times, I look and want to puke. I can look very ugly. I guess, in a sense, I'm average. (12/6/93)

I think it's more like my appearance, just like my social life, was on a see-saw.

These days, my appearance is most often on the low side. I rarely have moments of attractiveness.

I called Dana today. We talked for about 30 minutes. I like her a lot. I think I may live with her next year. (12/7/93).

I tend to talk about Dana a lot. The sad thing is, I don't remember her.

This apartment is too loud. I like them though. Right now I like Effie best, than Stacey and last Arethia. (12/7/93)

Eventually things went sour between my roommates and me. I thought it was from close to the beginning, but it's already December and I seem to be getting along with them okay.

I remember feeling that they hated me because I was white. Because of that, I ended up doing an ignorant, privileged-white-person kind of thing...which I talked about in a past post.

My roommates and I bonded today. I liked all 3 of them today. I think Effie is my favorite.

Vanessa and I had fun at the fountain shop. I had a chocolate cherry soda and she had strawberry chocolate soda. (12/9/93)

It was a cool old fashioned pharmacy owned by Palestinians. Now I'm remembering that Vanessa might have worked there? She was really into Islamic culture, and that's probably why she got herself that job.

My hate list today? It's Cara. She is a bitch in all sense of the words. She drove home drunk and I would not feel the least bit upset if she died. If no one else got hurt, I'd say one less low life in the world. (12/10/93).

I had strong feelings about the issue since my sister had been hit by a drunk driver.

I can't say I've changed. Probably the only difference now is that, along with not being sorry about her death, I'd also be glad that she might end up an organ donor.

No...I HAVE changed. Because I feel bad about what I wrote above. Someday it could be someone I love making that huge, selfish mistake. I'd be angry but also very sad.

On the other hand, it could someday be someone I love needing that organ....

I like Dana because she calls me a lot. Luke came with me to temple.We sang Hanukah songs. I had a lot of fun. (12/10/93)

Luke came from a major Bible Belt family. So it's pretty cool that he went to college, became friends with a Jewish girl, went to synagogue with her, etc.

I sang good today in front of Luke. (12/11/93)  What did I mean by that? Did he say I sang good, and I've forgotten that I once got a compliment all the way back then? Or did I just mean I WAS able to sing good. Because I think mostly in those days, I would have been to shy to sing in front of most people.

I don't know why I like Dana so much. Maybe it's reaction formation. Maybe I really hate her. But I can't hate her. I think we all are in a predicament of mixed up love. (12/11/93)

In case, my little excerpts aren't clear...

What was happening is I had feelings for Russ, and Russ supposedly had feelings for Dana. At the same time, Dana and I seemed to have a nice friendship. She didn't know I liked Russ. I'm not sure what her feelings toward Russ were. Did she know he liked her? Was she not interested?

I told Jennifer I liked Russ. Mostly because I was sick of hearing her tell Russ, in front of me, to ask Dana out. In some ways, I thought she was doing it to hurt me and that she knew I liked him. But she was very surprised when I told her. She seemed very encouraging and said Russ doesn't like Dana too much. She said she had no clue I liked him and that mostly she could tell when people like someone. (12/12/93)

I like our new house. I like my room. I thought I would have no room, but I have tons of empty drawers. I thought I lost my purse yesterday and today I really did lose it. I left it in the van. (12/14/93).

I went shopping with my mom today.She kept on using normative influence. Saying, "It will make you look sophisticated." Since when do I want to be sophisticated? (12/15/93)

I see that I was having fun using terminology from my psych major. I don't actually remember the terms much—"normative influence...reaction formation". But I can kind of guess what they mean by the context.

I watched Aladdin today. My whole family, minus Melissa, played Karaoke. I watched the soaps. I saw my boyfriend, Ian Rain. He is too sexy. I also am madly in love with Aladdin. He is so adorable. (12/17/93)

I wrote David a x-mas card that told my whole truth towards him. Now I'm not sure that I want to send it. I think I should. What's to lose? I can't win and I can't lose. (12/18/93)

I wonder if I sent it.

Schindler's List. I do think it was probably the most well-made film I've ever seen. The directing, symbolism, etc. was incredible.

I recommend the film. No, I don't just recommend it. I wish I could make seeing the movie a law. I wish everyone would see it. (12/19/93)

It might be good for that wish to be renewed...for the Trump era.  Although it would only be effective if people see it as a warning against genocide and bigotry in general not if they see it only as an antisemitism issue.

Anyway, it wouldn't cure antisemitism. if an antisemite sees the movie, they'll either applaud the murder of the Jews, or they'll claim the story is completely fiction.

 I walked to the library. That was exciting. I mailed the David card and now I kind of regret it. It was a tough choice. (12/20/93)

I just realized/remembered that I'm now living in the same house that my family lived in all those years ago!  I've walked to the same library these past few years. Though, not lately.

I feel indifference about Christmas. I am obsessed with Judaism again. (12/22/93).

I didn't realize my obsession had paused.

I want to try to be less wishy-washy and have set beliefs. I think it is essential to be open-minded but I can be too open-minded. I think I should always be eager to listen to other's opinions, and respect their opinion, but I shouldn't change my own opinion as often as I do. (12/22/93)

I'm now very closed-minded about certain things..like Trump, healthcare, the NRA, the horrific treatment of Black people in our country, etc.

My mind is closed to bullshit, and I have no interest in opening it.

So there!

Judd is here. We all went to eat at Grady's and every single one of us ate the Florentine pizza. I was the first one to finish mine. I even beat Dad. I am so a fast eater. I am considering spending the summer in an extensive study of Judaism and other religions. Maybe almost all books I choose for summer reading shall be about religion in some way. (12/23/93)

That's the first mention of Judd I've seen. He's my sister's husband—the father of my two nieces.  I think they started dating in February 1992. So it took almost two years for him to make it into my diary.

What is Grady's? I think I've heard of a restaurant with that name, but I'm picturing southern cooking, not pizza.

Melissa tries to make me dress like her. I know there are problems with my style, but I am not very fond of her style. She looks stiff and stuck up. I just want to look thinner. (12/23/93)

Maybe what I meant by that is that I wanted to be thin like Melissa. She's always been quite tiny.

I came close to crying while watching Days of our Lives today. Marlena got her baby back. I think I have a crush on Tony. He is so sexy with glasses. (12/24/93)

I love that in these December 1993 entries, twice I mention soap opera characters played by Aussie actors. Though it wouldn't be until MUCH later that I learn that Thaao Penghlis is Australian.

I started to read W.P. Blatty's The Legion. It's so damn philosophical. Blatty makes Kinderman too much of a Jewish stereotype. Every other page, he's eating bagels, chicken soup, or complaining about the carp in the bathtub.  

It doesn't seem scary. I hope it's not like Pet Sematary. The first half was not at all scary. The last part almost made me shit in my pants. (12/24/93)

If I remember correctly, I ended up loving Legion.

A minor tragedy has come to me today. I lost Eli. And honestly, I already miss the little guy. I wonder where he has gone. Does he miss me? (12/25/93)

I wish I remembered who or what Eli was.

I also wish I remembered Dana.

Wait. I read further down. There are some clues.

God I miss Eli. I knew I'd lose him one day. He's always flying across the room and what not. He can never stay in one place. Maybe I shall search the house for him before I go to sleep.

I feel so attached to Eli. He's my book buddy. (12/25/93)

A part of me is thinking I was being typical-Dina and had made an insect my pet. Another part of me is thinking I had dissociative identity disorder, and my other personality had taken over the diary. Maybe she had a little spirit friend or an imaginary friend.

I feel bad because it seems like Judd is having a bad time on the cruise.  Melissa and I met people. I think they're really cool.  The only thing is, I feel I should spend more time with the family.  I feel bad for leaving Dawn and Judd and Mom and Dad. Melissa and I seem to be the only ones having fun. 

Melissa is out alone. I'm worried. I'm not afraid she'll get hurt, but I'm scared she'll forget her room number or something. She is such an airhead sometimes. (12/26/93)

Oh yeah...right.  Like I've never forgotten my room number. If Melissa's an airhead, it's something we have in common.

I feel bad for Judd a lot. I try to talk to him. I remember the first days of camp when no one talks to you. You feel the worse. Then as soon as you are in a conversation, you feel much better. (12/26/93)

That's one good thing about loneliness. It can give you compassion for other people who seem to be suffering from the same thing.

Melissa is hanging out with this guy Darren, and I like his brother. It's cool. (12/27/93).

Warning: Another long-term obsessive crush is beginning.

I think Evan likes me. A new girl came in the picture named Lula. She is trying to steal Darren from Melissa, but I think Melissa has won. (12/29/93)

I can't remember Dana who I spent MANY weeks with in college. But I can clearly remember Darren, Evan, Evan's friend James, Lula, etc.  I can picture all of them in my mind. There's an easy explanation, though. We have photos of them, and I've looked at them many times.

I MIGHT have photos of Dana. I don't really look at college photos a lot. I should. Though I'm not sure I'll know which one is Dana.

Oh well. I am tired. I am really going to miss Darren, Evan, and James. I hope they're in my heart forever.  (12/29/93)

Well...you know. I think they still have at least a tiny bit of real estate there.

I feel like the cruise is limbo. I feel like there is no life outside of the boat. (12/30/93)

I often feel that way on cruises or at camp.

Another terrible New Years. Evan has found himself another woman. I have no idea where Melissa is. She's probably with Darren. I think James likes me. I kind of like him too. (12/31/93)

And the liking would last for quite awhile....

Click HERE for the index to my diary/journal posts.

Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

My Life in 1988 (Part 4)

My teenage life continued.....

Rashmi is so rude. She met a guy and now she is completely ignoring me at lunch (9/1/88). So typical of high school. Though I guess I got the last laugh. I should have told her, Hey, 30 years from now, I'm going to be reading my diary and I'm not going to remember who you are.

I did my oral report on CF for science. It went pretty good. (9/16/88). I remember doing that report. I also remember really liking the science teacher. But then the school switched her to the gifted class and gave our class a horrid teacher. I'm guessing I'll end up talking about her in the diary. So I'll quote from my teenage self...when it comes to that.

One thing I'm noticing, about this diary, is that mostly I talk about my dreams. I'm not talking much about real life.

My life is so great. I got my midterm report. I have 4 A's, 1 B, and 1 C. That's a big surprise. I have friends at school.  I just hope it stays great. I mean last year was great and then whamo all these horrible things happened  (10/10/88). It's funny. I seemed to be happier and more social than I remembered. I've had this idea that after the ouija board aftermath I became withdrawn and had no friends.  The other thing I believed is that I stopped being spiritual after the whole thing—that it turned me into a strong skeptic. But I see, in the diary, that I still had a lot of spiritual beliefs.

I do think there was a time that I lacked a social life—maybe 11th grade?  Later in life, I connected it to the ouija board fiasco. But I think it was more about me not wanting to drink and party, so I became left out.

But who knows. I might have had more friends than I remember.

I met a friend named Olga today. She is so nice. She's from Hong Kong. (10/17/88). I actually remember Olga!  She was nice, cute, and fun.

I just Googled Olga. If I have the right person, she's now a genetic scientist.

I can't get along with my family. That is totally impossible. Everyone complains about me singing. It is a nasty habit I picked up. To me I sing good. But I know to others I sing horrible. Even relatives think so. (10/20/88). Now most of my family is very nice about my singing—well, at least my mom, two sisters, and one of my nieces. Tim is nice but only after I strongly bitched about him not being nice about it.

Here's the thing about my singing. When I hear myself sing, I think I sing good. Certain people have given me very strong, enthusiastic compliments about my singing. Other people have said things, not said things, or otherwise acted like I'm a horrible or mediocre singer.  I TRY to have faith in myself. I try to believe my own ears. I try to believe the people who have said nice things. But I think no matter, what I'll always have doubts.

I feel bad for myself as a 45-year-old with this issue. I feel even worse for my past 15-year-old self.

Six Flags was a bummer. I wanted to see Freddy so bad but everyone else had to do what they wanted so I didn't. If I try not to want anything, then I can't be hurt as bad. (10/22/88). I still strongly believe in this philosophy—the whole Buddhist idea that desire brings suffering.

By the way, the Freddy was Freddy Krueger.

Last night I dreamed that Violet came back to school. I asked her who I was going to marry and she said Mike T. (10/27/88). I've been seeing a lot of dreams about this Mike. I'm kind of starting to remember that I might have developed a crush on him. I'm wondering if this is one of those cases where I dream about someone and that leads me to becoming attracted/interested in them.

Violet is one of the many people in my diaries that I no longer remember.

Mike T. is so nice unlike Larry P. who is such a jerk. He was talking about me behind my back. I hate him. (10/28/88). I wonder what he said, and I wonder who told me he was talking about me. And what was their motivation in telling me?

At some point I had a crush on Larry P.  I'm not sure if that came before or after this incident.

I turned in my bowling money today. 300. Kerri D. was there. She is so cute. (11/5/88).  Kerri was one of he Cystic Fibrosis poster kids. When I saw her name, I had a strong memory of a child's face. I'm guessing that was Kerri. I just realized that this child (probably Kerri) reminds me of an actress from season 2 of The Exorcist—Beatrice Kitsos. I really liked Kitsos when I saw the show—felt drawn to her. Now I'm wondering if it's because, subconsciously, she reminded me of Kerri.

Jennifer is very upset because Dukakis didn't win the election. (11/10/88). I think that's the first time I've seen myself mention politics in my diary. I was so apolitical.  Jack is very much NOT like how I was at that age.

I am feeling extremely bonded today. I feel like I have all these special relationships with people. Each one of my friends is so special to me. I love world history and learning about all the different religions. (11/17/88).  I was really high on life that day!  I still have moments like that every so often.

The Exorcist. When I was about 6 years old the most special treats in life were the ones forbidden—the ones I wasn't supposed to know about. 

Curiosity is one of man's worst traits. In a horror movie, a man walks into a room and a voices comes from beyond the closet door. He opens it because he wants to know what's inside. 

That's what happened to my sister and I one night. The Exorcist was on T.V that night and my mom forbid us to even think of watching it. 

Now looking back I can't blame her. What parent would want there 6 year old to see an R rated horror movie about a possessed child? Well my father, that's who.  

He wanted us to see it and he gave us permission to watch it, saying it wasn't all that scary. No. It wasn't scary. Well, at least in the movie (I'm guessing I meant beginning, here). In fact, it was all pretty much my kind of movie. A little girl who is perfectly normal.  There is so many movies with little boys but none with little girls. I found that out in a video store while helping a little girl find a movie about a little girl.

Anyway, I really liked the movie. It was funny how the bed shook up and down. Don't we all wish our beds could act like amusement park rides?

Then the sweet little girl started to jump up and down. That was neat too. But it was not neat when her voice changed. She was no longer a little girl I could relate to.

She was the devil. 

I don't remember what happened next exactly but I remember begging my dad to turn off the TV, and when he wouldn't I sat in the kitchen with my eyes closed so I couldn't see the movie even though the TV was in the other room and with my ears plugged so I couldn't hear the little girl's demon voice. That night I thought the world was ending.

In those days, horror movies to me were as true as the 6:00 news. The movie gave me nightmares for months. I was afraid to walk home from school because I thought the little girl would come out from a window and grab me. 

I finally got over it, but a year later my dad told me to turn on channel 13. I turned it on and there was a bloody statue. A scene from the Exorcist. It was one of my dad's little jokes, but to me it was the beginning of more sleepless nights. I love horror movies now and they never really scare me. But I can never watch the movie about the little girl with the jumpy bed and weird voice. (11/29/88).

I included the whole diary entry there, because The Exorcist incident was one of the biggest storylines of my life. AND it's one of the reasons I write a lot about gaslighting. Because when I have tried to confront my dad on this, I have gotten minimizing, denials, lies, exaggerations, etc.

It gives me some comfort to see that I had written the story down many years ago. Because the thing with gaslighting is you get good at doubting yourself, even when it's irrational.

I recently did research and learned I would have been about 7 when the movie came on television rather than 6. I'm not sure it makes a huge difference. One thing that surprises me about my retelling of the story, at age 16, is that my mother had been so against us watching it. I wonder how and why my father was able to get his way.

In English, we're reading Dandelion Wine. It is an awesome book. It reminds me of my life. It is about the discovery of life and death. (12/8/88).  I still have a copy of the book. I should probably read it again someday. I don't remember much about it.

Speaking of dandelions, they're my favorite flower.  In our next house, I want to make sure we don't have a lawn and instead have what we have now—just natural green stuff (like clovers) and wild flowers.  It bothers me that dandelions are considered weeds. We take something beautiful and easy; then label it as a pest, because we'd prefer something else to be there in its place.

Those classic (school) books are mostly good but I only read them at school. It's stupid to read them in your own free time. (12/9/88).  I thought that was kind of funny.

In some ways, I agree with my sixteen-year-old self. There are so many non-classic books that are fabulous, and if schools are teaching only the classics, it's probably best to use free time to read the other books.  After formal education is over, I'd say people should read what they want, whether it's old classics, modern classics, unclassics, etc.

Also, I'm wondering...

Back when I was in high school, out of all that we read in English class, how many were written by white people and how many were written by men?

Read my novel: The Dead are Online