Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts

ChrisCaresNone Might Help My Self-Esteem (Hopefully)

This morning I left a comment on a podcast I listen to.

I felt good posting it.

About ten minutes later, I was outside gardening and felt my usual mix of dread, self-doubt, self-disgust, and most of all regret.

I was embarrassed for what I wrote and wished I hadn't wrote it.

Then I remembered ChrisCaresNone and felt better. 

ChrisCaresNone was on Jonah Platt's podcast to talk about food, his life, his story as an ally to the Jewish people, etc.

One of the things he talked about was his life philosophy/mottos.

He has a saying that is something along the lines of the treasure you seek is in the cave you're most afraid of. 

I'm kind of cynical about motivational stuff.

But like many Jews, I adore ChrisCaresNone so much, I found myself willing to be less cynical in his case.

I tried to imagine how this would apply to my life.

My biggest fear is vomit. So does this mean, in order for my life to take a better turn...I need to go in a cave vomit?  (Metaphorically speaking, of course).

I think I kind of dropped the subject in my mind after a few minutes of thought.

Later, like many Jews, I did some wonderful armchair traveling to Israel via ChrisCaresNone's Instagram.

In one of his Instagram Reels, ChrisCaresNone circled back to the cave thing. He seemed rather nervous and then admitted that though he loves Jews; he also loves Palestinians.

For me, this made me love him even more.

I don't think it's that helpful for Jews to have allies who hate Palestinians.

I think we need allies who will help build bridges.

I'm not alone. Some of the comments show that.

And the Likes. There are over 10,000.

But I know there are going to be some people who hate the comment.

There are going to be people who see him as a traitor or no longer useful to the Zionist cause.

There are going to be people who already hated him, because he doesn't hate Israel and that he actually had the nerve to visit Israel.

This is what helped my self-esteem.

My problem is sometimes being too scared to enter the cave (Or spending weeks willing to enter the cave but being plagued by such bad anxiety I start thinking I might rather die in the next few days than have to deal with the cave)

But often I fearlessly and almost mindlessly run into the cave only to later hate myself for entering the cave.

ChrisCaresNone helped me feel better about my going in the cave.

I remembered that yes there will be people who read my comment and roll their eyes. There will be people who think I'm weird (in a bad way) or that I'm an awful person.

There will be someone reading this post who thinks my writing is atrocious; that I'm not funny or interesting; that I'm a horrible human being for supporting Israel; that I should quit writing; that I should quit living; that I should get over myself.

But there are also people out there who will like my comments and my blogposts. The universe can maybe connect me to them and them to me if I have the courage to say things I want to say.  

So...I'm going to try to remember this: 

In order to find people who like you, you have to jump into the cave that will also have people who think you're a piece of shit.  

Writing and Self-Esteem

1. I decided not to quit blogging. At least not yet.  

2. It's not the imagined idea that there are people out there wanting me to continue that pushed me not to quit. It's the imagined idea that there are people out there NOT wanting me to write that pushes me to continue.

This is both on a personal level—the idea that there are people who want ME specifically to stop writing and on a general level—people out there who would like people-like-me to stop writing.   

3. It's arrogant to imagine people care enough about me or people-like-me to care enough whether or not I quit blogging or not. 

But it's also arrogant to imagine the happy-opposite.

4. I'm fine with this level of arrogance. At least for now.

5. I was so embarrassed by recent posts I wrote. But, a few days later, when I went back and read them, I actually loved what I wrote.

Then today I read an old post where I'm super angsty. I had blogged as I was experiencing a major self-esteem crisis. And I loved my writing there too.

I think I'm at my best (writing-wise) when I'm in the midst of embarrassing turmoil.

6. Wondered if my writing is the worst when I'm cheerful and confident.

7. Realize fully that not everyone is going to share my opinion about my writing. Subtracting the people who hate all my writing. Out of those who remain, some may be annoyed or feel uncomfortable with my angst. They might like my writing only when I'm cheerful. Or at least prefer it when I'm cheerful.

8. I'm not going to fake despair or push myself into despair in order to write the type of blog posts my future self will prefer. She and I understand, it's not needed. These things come naturally for us.

9. Wouldn't it be funny if I've jinxed us and now my life is going to be full of success, joy, and high self-esteem?  

Blocked

I had a thing happen yesterday.

I was looking at a wide variety of Instagram profiles for a reason I might one day write a post about....

I looked up the profile of a celebrity I'm a fan of and saw that his Instagram was gone.

My busy brain found that interesting for about three seconds and then moved onto other things.

Until a short time later when my phone was charging, and I was doing my laptop stuff.

I started to worry.

What if he hadn't deleted his Instagram account?

What if he had blocked me?

I Googled his name along with Instagram. His account was still there.  

Since I'm not signed into Instagram on my laptop.....

Here it was.

What I had feared.

He had blocked my account.  

* * *

I went on doing my laptop stuff...or trying to.

Trying to concentrate while trying to figure out what to do about this.

I would need to carve him out of my life. Right?

Probably yes.

I'm not good at separating the art from the artist. I'm really not.

This was going to be quite a challenge, though.

With the last two celebrities I wrote about, it was less of a challenge.  

With one, his acting career didn't play a huge part in my life. He's been on one show important to me, but he probably won't be on anymore. I loved one song of his, but I'm not too emotionally attached.  Plus, with songs, I tend to listen to them a lot for a particular section of time; then I rarely if ever listen to them again.  

With the other celebrity, I loved him on one show, but the show is over. It's pretty easy to move on.

BUT with the celebrity of yesterday's drama. His role in my life is much more pervasive. I had a LOT of his music on my 2024 playlist. His TV show is one of my favorites. I even subscribe to a fan-created YouTube account.

I think, at this point, my mind was working a strategic plan of erasure while feeling a mix of mild shock, anger, and hurt.

While also wondering about the WHY of it all.

I suspected it was an anti-Zionist thing...

OR he had searched for his name and found my blog...and was frightened by my weirdness.  

I started having an Inside Out scenario in my head...with Sadness telling me it was okay to feel sad about this and don't do that thing of bottling up your feelings. And Joy was whispering something like, If he came to your blog...isn't that kind of cool? You were noticed!

Well...

Anyway....

I'm not sure why.

I don't know what type of Inside Out character jumped in here next. But something suggested that I should maybe recheck the blocked thing. Maybe I had just typed in the wrong name. Or Instagram search had been a bit wonky.

So when I was back with my phone, I searched on Instagram and saw that I was NOT blocked by this celebrity.

That was quite a relief.

* * *

I also saw I was not following this celebrity despite being a fan.

I considered following but then decided not to.

Why?

Not sure.

I'm weird about following celebrities on Instagram.

Sometimes I follow my favorites. 

Often I don't.

After what-didn't-actually-happen yesterday....I'm thinking I should lean into not-following-favorites.


* * *

I've been sitting here for about 30 minutes trying to come up with a conclusion to this post that's honest but doesn't make me sound pathetic or shitty.

Something along the lines of avoiding the artist as much as possible, so I can be safe in enjoying the art.

This makes me sound shitty, though...as if I'm bound to be disappointed and disillusioned by the artist's life and/or personality. It makes me sound and feel very intolerant.

Then, to my relief, I realized none of this is true.

Months ago, I listened to a long interview with the didn't-block-me-celebrity on a podcast. The interview made me like him more. Not less.

I realized it's not about the person behind the Instagram account...whether famous or not.

I just tend not to like what people show of themselves on Instagram. Or how they show themselves.

Shit. It's hard to explain.

I'm going to stop trying.

I need to pee. 

* * *

This post would probably be more entertaining if I named the celebrity.

But I'm paranoid he WILL someday Google himself and end up here...and then the whole blocking-thing could become reality.

* * *

I am reminding myself that if I don't search for a celebrity on Instagram, I won't have to ever see that they have blocked me. Or mistakingly believe they've blocked me.

Or see that they hate Zionists.

But curiosity often gets the best of me.

Or the hope for reassurance or a happy surprise.

I once looked up a singer before adding her song to my 2024 playlist. I wanted to make sure she didn't hate Jews.

It turned out she was Israeli...AND Australian. And not only that. She wasn't one of the many Jewish celebrities keeping quiet about October 7.  

* * *

I still haven't peed.

And another thirty minutes have passed.

* * *

I also try to avoid but sometimes fail to avoid the temptation of commenting on celebrity social media accounts.

It's that embarrassing desire to be noticed and liked.

Or the urge to speak out about something.

OR worse...a combination of the above two.

Let-me-be-brave-enough-to-disagree-with-you-or-question-you-while-also-hoping-this-makes-you-notice-me-and-like-me.

* * *

I'm thinking....

It's probably actually not that horrible or weird to reach out hoping to be noticed.

It's probably quite common....

What's probably less normal and less healthy is my fear of disappointment with the response or lack of response...and worry that the disappointment will make me lose love for the artist and then lose love for the art.

And I hate losing the art.

The art is so important to me.  

* * *

Realizing....

This is not just a celebrity thing.

But a people in general thing.

And the reason why I tend to prefer spending my time with content (books, TV shows, songs, movies, podcasts, blogs) over social interactions.

* * *

I thought this was going to be a short funny post, turning a few moments of inner turmoil into something positive.

But instead it's been a shitty hour...

Over an hour 

With me facing all my angst.

And worse.

Sharing it with the world.

* * *

I hate blogging sometimes.

 


 

Spotify Unwrapped (Part 3)

I saw the full list of my most-listened-to-songs on Spotify.  Then it vanished. I couldn't find it.

But this morning, it popped up again.  So I took a screenshot.

A screenshot of Spotify Unwrapped including Flight of the Conchords, Lukas Graham, Don McGlashan,

This is the secondary group of songs.

The first ones were featured in the actual Unwrapped Screenshot...which I shared in part 2.  

I mentioned "All the Goodbyes in the World" in that post, because I didn't know I would have the excuse to talk about it in this post.

It's such a beautiful song.

I was going to copy and paste some of the lyrics, but I can't pick and choose.  It's all so beautiful. 

 I'm fighting back tears just looking at them.

***

"Carole Brown" is a very cute song.

Though I actually like "If you're Into It" more.

Sometimes a song gets up higher on the list because of Spotify Shuffle and not because I actually chose to listen to it more.

That being said....

With Flight of the Conchords, I tended to become obsessed with one song.  I would listen to it repeatedly; than move onto another song.

"If you're Into It" might be my favorite in the TV show.  Not only did I listen to it on Spotify a lot but also repeatedly watched it on YouTube.


 


***


"Legacy" is a very indie song.

It's sung by a friend of someone very important to me.

I'm hoping the singer has a lot of career success.

I hate seeing talented people not being seen enough.

***

"Hi Gene" is another song I mentioned in Part 2...not realizing I'd have the excuse to talk about it here.

One thing I'd add is that I listened to it several times before paying attention to the lyrics and realizing
"Hi Gene" is about "Hygiene".  And as a person with OCD-contamination style, I find it somewhat relatable.

***
"Wandering Under the Moon" is a beautiful and very positive song about the bright side of post-apocalyptic life.

***

"Hurricane" is a song very well-known in the post October 7 Zionist world.

And it's probably also known among people who follow the drama of Eurovision.

***

If October 7 hadn't happened, and we hadn't watched Legion...I think my music for 2024 would have maybe been dominated by Danish music.  

We went to Copenhagen in August 2023, and I had been trying to stay connected by reading about Denmark and listening to Danish music.

I had been very intrigued by Freetown Christiana; though we unfortunately never got around to visiting.

Through my reading and listening, I came across Lucas Graham who grew up in the neighborhood.

And that's why I started listening to "Mama Said" many times.


***

I have more links than I wanted in this post.

I really want to do less linking.

But once I put some in links, I feel obligated to put links for all.

But if I put links for all songs; then I feel there will be an expectation of this level of links in all my posts.  And I don't want that.

So I'm kind of purposely being inconsistent in this post.


Sorry This Isn't Holiday Related Nor Holiday-Cheerful

I am functioning pretty okay today.

But underneath the functioning, I feel a mix of

anxiety

despair

dread

guilt

shame

embarrassment

uneasiness 

disillusionment

Ah....now I'm thinking that the last one might be the cause of the ones above it.

I think what happens is I sometimes feel great joy and excitement about small things.  Then I suddenly realize those small things aren't as good as I imagined they would be.

OR...

Is it the opposite?

Are the other feelings causing my joy-for-small-things to fade?

* * *

In other feeling-news, I think I'm torn between three plans.

A) Stop creating new content. Give up as much as possible.  Fade into the background. Spend the rest of my life being more of a listener and content consumer. (though still planning to make book-books from stuff I've already written in case it's my destiny to be more appreciated after I'm dead)

B) Keep creating content but expect and be okay with rarely having readers, listeners, viewers, etc.  And also that nagging feeling that the little attention I receive is probably hate-reading or pity-reading.  

C) Keep creating content.  Maybe this will be my year.

C feels incredibly doubtful to me.

A feels the most comfortable to me, but I keep failing at it.  Like for example: I'm writing this post.  

B is depressing and stressing.  It kind of makes me spiral.  Because I tend to have this belief that it's my destiny to fail. 

I tend to imagine that it's my destiny to create stuff that rarely gets seen and when it does get seen, it's almost always going to be disliked and/or rejected.

And I think that's actually kind of narcissistic, because maybe (I hate to admit this) there's that underlying feeling of: I make good stuff but the universe is punishing me for some reason and no matter how brilliant my creation is, I will continue to be rejected, because....

I'm cursed or something.

You know...instead of having the mentally healthy and reasonable stance of: The content I make is not total shit, but it's a little shitty.  Keep working and one day, it might be good...or great.

No...never mind that mindset doesn't work for me.

If I was younger, maybe it would.

Now I'm old and feeling that if, after all these years of writing, I'm not good enough...I will never be good enough.

I mean it's not like I'm a cute little 50-year-old woman that suddenly decided to pick up a writing-hobby.  I've been doing this writing and failing thing since the age of twelve.  

If I'm a bad writer, it's NOT from a lack of practice and training.  

* * *

I have a lot of ageism.

Or maybe it's realism.

I know that people are successful in their 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, etc.  I know old people can do great things.  But I think usually they were already very successful...or they were at least nicely climbing their way up to success.

I don't think there are many cases of people being failures and then suddenly past 50, they're suddenly successful. Sure. It does happen.  But it's rare enough that when it does happen, somewhere someone is probably going to write an inspirational article about it.  


* * *

I'm actually now thinking (hoping) that maybe my delusional feelings aren't narcissistic.  I think with narcissism, there's a belief that we're brilliant and superior; but other people, because they are inferior, are unable to appreciate our wonderfulness.  

I don't feel that. 

My feeling is more along the lines of: the content I create is good enough.  Like all content, it's going to be brilliant, mediocre, or terrible...all depending on who is reading or hearing it.  And not because they are superior or inferior to me but just because we all have different likes and dislikes.

(For example: The Sandman is a 9 to some.  For me, it's like...a 7)

What I imagine is, I will continue to fail, because it's my destiny to create stuff that's usually not seen or heard at all.  And in the rare cases that it is seen and heard, it's going to be seen and heard by people who don't like me or my creations.  

* * *

I think a lot of autistic influencers write angsty stuff like this.

Woe is me.

I'm awkward.

I don't feel loved enough.

I'm a failure.

I've always been unpopular.....

Their content is very relatable to other autistic people. 

Then one day it becomes: Oh cool! I have a few followers.  This is SO wonderful.

Then: Oh wow!  I have two hundred followers.  People like me!

Then: If you're interested in supporting me, please join my Patreon.  It will give you access to my private chat group. 

When they get to the point of being successful influencers, does it make sense for them to continue to take on role of the lonely, rejected, angsty, awkward, autistic person? That's been their shtick.  Should they keep on with that?  

This is something I've thought about lately but am not personally worried about.  Because A) I don't have much hope in being successful B) If my curse and my destiny changes; (yeah, I'm going to fall back on that narrative) even though I have a fair bit of angsty posts like this, I have other stuff as well)


* * *


I turned off comments on this post, and I think I'm going to turn off comments on any future angsty posts like this.

Because 

A) I worry, that in parts, it sounds like I'm fishing for compliments.  

B) I HATE getting compliments, reassurances, pep talks, etc. when I'm in this kind of mood.

C) If I leave comments open; I see people reading; and no one is saying anything, the automatic assumption is that they hate me, I'm a burden, my blog's a burden, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  


 * * *

I wish I could say that writing this post has made me feel better about things.

But really...it just makes me feel stressed and behind with the various things I meant to get done today.  


* * *

(Edited to add)

I think I might be coming up with a plan for myself.

I'm going to make it public, because it will push me to stick with the plan.  Because breaking private plans is hard enough.  Breaking public-made plans is humiliating.

So....

My plan for 2023 is to.....

A) Take a year-long hiatus from blogging.  I'm going to publish my 2022 What-I-Watched post and maybe that will be my last post until I do my 2023 What-I-Watched-Post.  

I say maybe because if my curse is lifted and a miracle happens; if my blog suddenly becomes popular, I give myself permission to exit the hiatus.  

B) I'm going to try to post less on social media—spend more time consuming than creating.  This will save me the angst of wondering, why are my cousins never liking or commenting on my posts.  And...Did this person really like my post or are they just going to my profile and quickly liking the last few posts?  

C) I'm going to make four more episodes of my podcast before completely giving up.  If I still have only 1-2 listeners per episode, I give myself permission to label that venture a failure.

Note: I'd be totally happy with having only one or two listeners.  But I'm pretty sure the listeners I'm seeing listed in stats are just my own self.

Note 2: I just got back to doing my podcast. I did two episodes in May and gave up.  Then I realized that if a miracle happens and someone does see my podcast listed and it IS a subject they're interested in, they probably won't listen to it if they see that there are only two episodes and that I haven't made any new episodes for seven months.  But today, I did a third episode, and I plan to do four more in the next few weeks or more.  

D) I don't need to feel guilty about my hiatus, because I am going to be working on making a concrete, tangible Lulu version of one of my novels and some of my blog.  So it's not like I'm abandoning my creative side all-together.  

E) I'm trying to ignore the nagging voice that's saying I should at least create the content that promotes other content.  AMPLIFY VOICES!   But I have such low influence. My weak promotional whispers aren't really amplifying.  And I'll be at least quietly amplifying the books I read with the little Goodreads widget to the right.  

F) I will be honest and brave enough to admit that there's a part of me that believes I AM cursed and the cure to this curse is to go on a year hiatus.  I will spend some parts of this next year swimming in this delusion.  But mostly, I'm going to replace my content-creating time with content-consuming.  I'm going to hopefully read more, watch more, and listen more.   



The hardest thing will probably
be not sharing all my AI art.
But someone on Mastodon 
said something that made me think.
They said that
There's so much art being created and
probably not enough eyes to see it all.
So we should probably just make it
for our own eyes.
Plus, I know the concept of AI art is
terrifying and offensive to some.
So I feel somewhat uneasy
when I post stuff. 

 



Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

Eleanor Roosevelt and the Jews (Part 5)

If you want to start at the beginning of this messy project of mine, click here.


If you don't want to start at the beginning: Brief summary:  I'm reading through some of Eleanor Roosevelt's My Day columns to see her views on Jews, the Holocaust, and Israel.  

For this post, I'm going to try to open way too many windows at once.  Because I'm going to look up four words—Palestinian, Shoah, Jew, and Israel...for the years 1953-1962.

 I'm going to try to read the columns in order.

Well, there are no results for Shoah.  So that makes things a little easier for me.

There are a LOT of results for Jew—ten pages worth.

The same for Israel. Yikes.

The results include Palestine when I look for Palestinian.  I'm not sure why.  But I do see a few mentions of Palestinians.

* * *

I'm going to do one year at a time...starting with 1953.

I came up with seventeen columns; a mix of Jew and Israel.  There was no Palestinian.

I was putting the column windows in order and saw I had two May 5's.  I was wondering why and then realized it's because May 5 must have been a result for both Israel and Jew.  After realizing that, it seems strange that more columns don't have both Jew and Israel.

Or it could be some kind of glitch.

Or I'm missing something?

* * *

It's the next day and instead of working on this post as I had planned, I have spent way too much time trying to change the appearance of my blog.

I had thought of changing my theme/layout a few weeks ago and kind of forgot about it. Then I was listening to the Imagineer podcast about Mary Blair.  There was a brief mention of pink and orange as a color scheme, and I suddenly became obsessed: I want to wear pink and orange clothes! I want to redo one of our bathrooms pink and orange!  I want to make my blog pink and orange!

Now....

I don't know if I like it or not.

I didn't like the old layout, because I felt it was hard to find anything.

But I'm worried this new layout is too busy.

I do like the pink and orange, though.  

* * *

Getting back to Roosevelt....

I think I'm going to go through the windows I have open and eliminate posts where Israel or Jewish is mentioned just in passing.

* * *

Yay!  I was able to eliminate a few.  

One I kept, despite Israel or Jew, being mentioned just in passing.  BECAUSE Roosevelt talks about Australia.  

I may not still be obsessed with Australia.

But I'm definitely still interested in Australia.  

Note: When I say mentioned in passing, it usually equals Roosevelt mentioning a Jewish event she went to but she doesn't really say much about the event.  

* * *

I'm considering doing one post for each of the remaining years.

It might be better to have many short Eleanor Roosevelt posts rather than one or two more super long ones.

What I worry about is ending up with nine more posts and each of them super horribly long.

* * *

In her January 15, 1953 column Roosevelt talks about a growing movement against the United Nations.

She writes:

Day after day it is becoming more evident that a well-organized and well-financed campaign against the United Nations is coming to light. It is tied now and then with hatred of the New Deal and my husband and it sometimes appears to be an offshoot of isolationism. But whatever its roots, the results are bad.

The President of the League of Women Voters had given Roosevelt some samples of anti-UN materials.

Roosevelt describes some of the propaganda and says: And when they proceeded to say that this was the day the old Jewish plot to control the world was going to be carried out, I recognized some of the signs of the old pro-Fascist and pro-Nazi literature that I have read before.

Wow.  Roosevelt says some very timely things.

Some of the old people are carrying on in the same name of anti-communism and pro-Americanism the same campaign they waged in favor of fascism. The sad thing is that though they fight communism they play into the hands of the Communists. The Communists want to create suspicion and disunity among the people of the United States, and much of this anti-U.N. literature is designed to do exactly what the Communists want, but under a cloak of saving us from communism and fostering patriotism and religion in this country.

* * *

Roosevelt also writes in the January 15 column, Unless the truth, however, gets out to people, how are they going to know that this nonsense that is handed to them is not based on facts?

It was much harder to get information out to people in those days and probably also much more difficult to see their reactions to it. I wonder if people were as resistant to fact-checking in those days.

For me, it feels naive to imagine someone allowing facts to sway their opinions about things. But I think I felt differently a few years ago.  Back then, I would have expected people to accept the facts and then adjust their opinion—not necessarily switching political parties or other allegiances but making at least some changes to their viewpoint of things.

Roosevelt says,  Unless our vast media for spreading information accepts this responsibility, the people of the country may well wake up to find that they have made decisions on false information. That will be a sad day for all of us.

Sad. Yeah.  But what's worse is watching people not wake up...even when the media is providing the information.

And yes I AM very aware that MAGA people reading this would feel that I was the one not awake.

We're really living in two realities now.  And with the ease of faking things, it's going to get harder and harder to prove our side is the correct one.

* * *

In my temporarily missing (not yet unpacked) novelization of Poltergeist, the tagline on the cover was Some things have to be believed to be seen.  That's a perfect way to describe the situation we are in right now with reality.

I'm not sure if that was also a tagline for the movie?

I think it might be a famous quote that was used for the book.

* * *

According to the Brainy Quote website, it was said by a guy named Ralph Hodgson.

* * *

I hope we still have the Poltergeist book in one of our moving boxes. I'm kind of worried it's been lost.

* * *

On February 9, 1953, Roosevelt writes about a shortage of doctors.  She writes:

 One of the things which has always troubled me greatly is the fact that it is so often impossible to find a place for a boy to study medicine in this country. As you may know, New York City is about to build its first medical school in 54 years; this is one of the three new schools to be projected in the entire country in the last 25 years. The new college of medicine is sponsored by Yeshiva University, and though it is a Jewish university admission is on non-sectarian lines. No one attending is asked his race, color or creed.

Uh...but I guess that they do ask about gender.

I think Roosevelt was pretty forward-thinking when it comes to gender equality.  It makes me wonder if the idea of a woman becoming a doctor in those days was so rare that it was too outlandish for even Roosevelt to seriously consider it.  

* * *

Googled.

The Yale School of Medicine shows that various women-as-doctor milestones had occurred before Roosevelt wrote her column.  

Close to a hundred years prior, Elizabeth Blackwell earned a medical degree.

In 1864, the first Black woman got a medical degree.

The Saturday Evening Post says that in 1950, around the time that Roosevelt wrote her column, six percent of doctors were women.

That's not a huge amount. But I would think it would be enough for Roosevelt to not write about doctors as being a boy thing.

Or maybe in those days, there was an understanding that "boy" didn't necessarily mean only boys?

I'm tempted to go deeper into the rabbit hole about this.  But I'll stay above ground for now.

* * *

I did a bit of Googling about Yeshiva University School.

It's called the Albert Einstein College of Medicine.  

Roosevelt was one of the honorary chairpersons.

* * *

On February 11, 1953, Roosevelt writes about the United Jewish Appeal meeting/event.

Ruth Gruber was the narrator of a dramatic presentation.

I think she's the one who gathered up the refugees for Fort Ontario.

Yeah...just searched my blog for her name.  I wrote about her in part 2 of my series on the Safe Haven documentary.

Anyway....Roosevelt describes the presentation.  They used a map in the background.  Roosevelt said it moved to the area being discussed.  I'm not sure how that worked.  

I'm guessing she meant that, somehow, the area being discussed was highlighted on the map.

The stories shared took place in Japan, Barnard college (New York) Morocco, and Israel.  

I'm wondering if the stories were acted out or described by the actual people who experienced them.  Or did Gruber tell the stories while the areas on the map were (somehow) highlighted?

* * *

On February 14, Roosevelt talks about Russia and Israel.

I see that Russia has broken off relations with Israel. I suppose this should be no surprise, and yet I am sorry to see this nation, which talks so much about wanting peace, encourage war. Quite obviously, this is a play for Arab following and sympathy. Russia feels that if she becomes the enemy of Israel she will automatically garner all the Arab votes to her side. Among the Arabs there are some very astute politicians, but they may think that they will get more out of the U.S., Great Britain and France if they seem to be leaning toward the Soviets.

I wonder if that was the actual intent of Arab countries.

I have no idea.

* * *

I consulted Lord Wiki to get a spoiler/reminder of when Russia and Israel got back together.

He says it was 1991.

BUT he says they didn't break up until 1967.

Maybe the 1953 thing was a false alarm?  

Maybe they didn't break up.  Maybe they were just on a break.

* * *

Also in the February 14 column: Roosevelt talks about fraternity bigotry at William's College in Massachusetts.

Well...wait.

I thought it was a stain on William's College.  But they actually took a stand against bigotry.  Their fraternity lost it's national standing, because they allowed the "wrong" kind of person into a fraternity. Wrong being NOT white, full-blooded Aryans.

Commentary, the right-wing Jewish magazine I wrote about in an earlier post, has an editorial about the fraternity story.  

I'm going to read it, because A) I want to learn more about the incident B) I've been wanting to know more about what goes on in the minds of right-wing Jews.

* * *

I'm now confused about whether this is a recent editorial talking about the past or if it's actually from their long-long-ago archives.

James Rorty writes, According to a 1949 Roper survey, 60 per cent of all American students are opposed to any group rejection by fraternities.

I would think if it was more recent, he'd use past tense.

* * *

I just looked closer.

The page is labeled as 1956.

So...it's old.

Also, I Googled James Rorty.  Lord Wiki says he was a radical.  And he was against McCarthyism.  So he was a left-wing radical.

I guess this was before Commentary turned right-wing.

So much for getting a right-wing opinion.

But I'll still read it, so I can learn about the fraternity drama.

* * *

I love this from Rorty's editorial: A sorority with a Greek letter name at the University of Missouri excluded students who looked and were Greek.

Some of Rorty's editorial goes over my head...mostly because I'm reading quickly and trying not to fall into rabbit holes.  But the general idea I'm getting is that young college students were open to being more inclusive, but the older alumni had opposing feelings about that.

Now I'm slowing down my reading a bit, because Rory talks about the origins of the KKK.

He says it started in the 1860's by some Confederate officers who were also fraternity men.  The organization was originally called Kuklos for the Greek word for circle.  They later added Klan to the name, and it became the Ku Klux Klan.

Rorty writes: The Ku Klux creed of white supremacy, nourished by the “Aryanism” of Gobineau, Madison Grant, and other racist ideologues, left a significant residue in the rituals of some of the college fraternities; witness the constitution of Phi Delta Theta, written in 1912, which provides that “only white persons of full Aryan blood, not less than sixteen years of age, should be eligible.

So...did the term Aryan come from the United States and not Germany?

Rorty says that by 1928, more than half of fraternities and sororities had membership rules regarding race and religion.

* * *

Lord Wiki is telling me that the history of the term Aryan is quite long and complicated.  But no.  It didn't start with Hitler.  Nor did it begin with the KKK in the United States.

I'll add it to my topic list.

* * * 

In her March 14, 1943 column, Roosevelt says she went to a press conference and meeting regarding the Israel Bond Organization.  She says, At the press conference I met Dr. Frank Kingdom, who was to share the platform with Dr. Dov Joseph and myself. Dr. Joseph is Minister of the State of Israel. He made a most interesting speech on the development of Israel.

She doesn't say what he said in his speech.  So I guess...I'll move on.  I could have probably included that in the skip-this-column group.  

Then again...it's not Jewish or Israel related, but there's this:

I had a good example the other day while talking to a gentleman of how inaccurate our memories are. He told me that while he distinctly held the impression that these two Senators had made unfounded attacks on various Americans he could not remember specific things that had been said by them.

That is a natural characteristic of ours as a nation. We get impressions and then promptly forget how we attained them. But I find one of the best ways to refresh one's memory is to keep a file of the Congressional Record and refer to it now and then. One can always find the Senators' original statements and then frequently the modification of those statements.

That reminds me of me with my family.  I used to have to rely on memory and gut feelings when it came to drama, trauma, disagreements, etc.  But now very often, I can just search through texts and find evidence to back things up.  Though I've learned this evidence doesn't help me win arguments.  The audacity of one text made me so angry that I sent a screenshot of it multiple times.  I SO wanted the writer of the text to say something like, Oh wow. Did I say that?  I was wrong. I'm so sorry.

I didn't get the reaction I wanted.

But I like having the validation for myself.

* * *

The one downside of keeping records and relying on records is when there are no records, it becomes hard to believe my own memory.

There are two solutions to this:

A) trust my past self.  If it's a new memory that pops out of nowhere, it's probably a good idea to be skeptical.  But if it's a past memory that's been passed consistently forward by all my various subsequent past selves, I should trust all those past selves even if my current self is dissociated from the memory. 

B) Write as much down as possible.

* * *

In her March 23 column, Roosevelt talks about an antisemitic pamphlet she read.

It is a two-page pamphlet issued by an organization called The Christian Nationalist Crusade, with a post-office address in St. Louis, Missouri. The pamphlet rehashes an old anti-Semitic story published by some groups a number of years ago who wanted to whitewash Hitler and Fascism and to make people believe that the Jews were plotting secretly to control the world. The story was proved at the time to be completely untrue, but apparently this group is sure that people can be fooled again.

And the attempts continue.

The Roosevelts were given roles in this exciting storyline.

The pamphlet has an additional touch in the form of a map of Mexico purporting to show the location of a "super-palatial hideout" that was supposed to have been built for my husband. The map, they say, was published originally in a California newspaper in 1951, along with a story about this "secret hideout.

What is a super palatial hideout?

Googling....

The dictionary on Google says palatial is: resembling a palace in being spacious and splendid.

That sounds nice.

Later in the column, Roosevelt says: But this type of lie is always written on the supposition that no one is going to try to run down the truth. 

Now the lies can be told knowing that even when someone tries to bring the truth, people are going to refuse to listen.

Again: Some things have to be believed to be seen.

What is fact-checking to some of us is left-wing propaganda porn to others of us. .

* * *

Roosevelt writes about Israel's fifth anniversary in her April 24, column.

I just Googled and saw Israel's birthday is April 25.  

So I guess they celebrated a bit earlier.

As a Jew, I should know Israel's birthday.  It's just that controlling the world takes up a LOT of brain space. For instance, we need to memorize all the secret codes that gets us into the various underground palaces around the world.  

And also the one on the moon.

Anyway....

Roosevelt says this nice thing about Israel.  

The people of Israel and their friends can reap great satisfaction from the development going on in their country and from the spirit with which these people face their many problems and hardships. They are not at war and yet along their borders there is constant war activity. There is no friendly spirit surrounding them, so they must be constantly watchful. Yet, the country grows economically and spiritually.

If they become less watchful, will there be more friendliness surrounding them?

Will there be more friendliness surrounding them if they became less watchful?

* * *

Roosevelt's May 5 column is mostly about Russia and Jews stuck in the Soviet Union. 

She writes: 

 At the moment the most urgent concern is for the safety of the 2,500,000 Jews behind the Iron Curtain. The fund is helping escapees from Eastern Europe, giving them relief and resettling them in democratic societies, principally in Israel.

And....

The Soviets strongly condemned Hitler for his anti-Jewish actions but now, at least up until very recently, they seem to have been following a similar policy. Since the changed attitude on the Soviet doctors was announced, however, there is hope of a changed policy not only in the Soviets, but in the satellite countries.

I think condemning antisemitism is sometimes less about defending Jews and more an excuse to attack the opposing political group.  

Someone said it well on Twitter the other day.  

Well...I tried to find the Tweet and haven't had any luck.

But I've found many others along the same vein.

For example, Allison Josephs Tweets: 

Antisemitism comes from every group but if you only call it out when it aligns with your politics, you’re not actually a Jewish ally you’re a supporter of your own political party.

Joel M Petlin Tweets:

The silence to Antisemitism really is loud. But part of that silence comes from those who only criticize it when it comes from their political adversaries.The real challenge is for people to call out Antisemitism when it comes from the members of  their own political team.

Julia Jassey Tweets:

It’s so apparent how political antisemitism has become. The right attacks antisemitism on the left and defends it in their own backyard. The left does the same. I’ll be the first to call out antisemitism among my political “friends”—if you don’t, you’re keeping bad company.

Ariella Kimmel Tweets: T

The problem is so often when people do speak up on antisemitism it’s only to “own” the opposing political view, rather than calling it out wherever it festers

And if we want an example of all the above,  Mehdi Hesan Tweets: 

Here’s a thought: neither the political party nor the TV network that excused or ignored Trump’s antisemitism, Greene’s antisemitism, Gosar’s antisemitism, and now Kanye West’s antisemitism should probably never be taken seriously again on the issue of antisemitism.

Somewhere in history, Hesan might have spoken up against antisemitism on the left.  But when I did a search, I didn't see anything of the sort in the top results.

* * *

It's the next day.

I spent a lot of the afternoon watching the January 6 hearings.

Knowing that I have family members who still ride the Trump train...

It makes me want to scream.

* * *

In her May 7, 1953 column, Roosevelt complains about the lumping together of the "Jewish Gestapo" "New Dealers", and Communists.  She encountered a propaganda postcard from a Christian nationalist organization.  

She says:  That first sentence reveals a dishonest effort to make it appear (1) that there are Jewish Gestapo organizations, which is, of course, untrue. The Jews were the victims of Hitler's Gestapo. They have no such organizations of their own (2) By tying these three groups together, they try to make it appear that New Dealers and Jewish organizations are tantamount to Communists. This also is entirely untrue. Accomplishments made under the New Deal were not communistic. They met the needs of the people, which had been allowed to become desperate under the previous Administration. But they were not Communistic.

It's sad that the Republican party is still playing this exact same game of trying to tie Democrats to Communism. 

Yes. Some Democrats are Communists. I think it's a pretty small number.

But if you believe that anything outside of 100% support of pure capitalism = communism.  Then yeah...pretty much all of us are communists.  

* * *

The postcard said that there's a campaign to replace Christian tradition with Jewish tradition.

Jews will not replace us!!!!!

The times really haven't changed much, have they?

Reading all this...I feel like we're redoing the 1950's but with the Internet.

* * *

Roosevelt says interesting things about interracial marriage.  I don't really understand it fully.

There is no moral law which forbids intermarriage between different races. It is custom and habit, and where people wish to break these rules it is their right to do so, even though they may suffer as a result of the fact that many of us are governed by the customs and habits and conventionalities under which we live. To make it appear, however, that this is a moral code which should not be broken is, I think, un-Christian.

I guess what she's saying is it's not morally wrong to marry someone of another race but those who do so might face challenges, because of the culture we live in.

When did the Supreme Court legalize intermarriage?  I know it's Loving vs...something.

I'm guessing in some states, it was probably already legal.

I wonder if Roosevelt knew personally of any interracial marriages.

* * *

Googled.

Loving vs. Virginia was in 1967.

Lord Wiki says that in 1958, a Gallop Poll showed that 94% of Americans disapproved of interracial marriage.  Wow.

Did that include Roosevelt?

I have a feeling she'd be okay with it but that her convictions wouldn't be strong enough to speak in defense of it.

I mean she kind of did defend it but in a weak-hearted kind of way.   

* * *

I'm not sure if Roosevelt has anything substantial to say about Jews in her May 13 column.  I kept that window open, though, because she talks about Australia.

Speaking of Australia, I listened to the Australiana podcast about the opening ceremonies of the 2000 Olympics.  It was fascinating. It also gave me an extra dose of self-doubt, because they mentioned celebrities I hadn't heard of before.

 I also feel like a failure for never writing about the Olympics.  

I'm sure if I searched my blog, I'd find mention of it.  But I never did any serious research on it.  

With both my Australian podcasts, there is way too much that is new and unfamiliar to me.

Is is because Australia is so vast and impossible to know everything?  Or did I do a shitty job with having a special interest in Australia?

* * *

Getting back to Roosevelt....

She writes: 

During World War II and immediately after some of our servicemen were married to Australian girls and others who served there saw possibilities which they thought promised a better and easier future. So, they settled in the land called Down Under and, of course, their status today is interesting to read about, as I have just done. I think we are sufficiently like the Australians so that we get on well with them and living there should not be very difficult for our young people.

WHICH Australians are we like?

It's hard for me not to get racist undertones with that. 

Am I being unfair?

Overly woke?

I guess I'm just thinking...wondering...In comparison, what countries would be difficult for young Americans to live in?

For me, as a white, Jewish-American it would be easier to live in Australia than let's say...Korea.  Because I speak English well.  

But for a Korean-American who speaks fluent Korean and understands Korean culture, moving to Korea would probably be no more difficult than moving to Australia.

* * *

Roosevelt writes, Fortunately, Australia is a country that needs settlers. 

I'm sure that's exactly what Aboriginal Australians and Torres Strait Islander people were sitting there thinking. We need MORE white people.

But even for some white people, the we-need-more-settlers story is quite horrible.  When was that whole thing with British children being kidnapped for a happy, lovely life in Australia?

Note: Happy, lovely life = abuse and exploitation.

* * *

Googled.

The Australian Government admits that between 1927-1967, 150,000 British kiddos between the years of 9 months and 8 years were shipped to Canada, Rhodesia, Australia, and New Zealand to pump up the white population.

EVERYBODY is a victim of white supremacy.  Even white people. Even white cisgender straight men.  It's a really shitty thing.

(of course, there's not equality in terms of who is most victimized by white supremacy).

* * *

The Jewish part of Roosevelt's May 13 column is she forgo attending a United Jewish Appeal event, because she was very busy doing last minute things for her upcoming trip to Japan and Europe.

I feel like this should be used as an inspirational example for the whole push to have courage in declining invitations.

I see this push a lot on Instagram....probably because of who I follow.

Really, they need to have an alternate campaign that teaches people to graciously accept the declines.  That way we might have less people sending out messages like, We HAVE to make the effort to get together for holidays.  

* * *

If the United Jewish Appeal was anything like my family, the whole organization would probably shut down with blame going at least partly to Roosevelt. Because...she only made cameo appearances.  

* * *

If anyone wants to accuse Roosevelt's declining on antisemitism or apathy towards the Jews...this is also in the May 13 entry:

I was very much touched the other day to be invited to the coronation by Queen Elizabeth, and I was very sorry that, because of my commitments in Japan, it wasn't possible for me to accept.

* * *


On July 24, 1953, journeyed to King's Landing.

Roosevelt writes:  Our guide pointed out to us the windows of an old Jewish temple and told us that only seven out of the 140 Jews who had been in the city when the Germans took over, had survived but they had saved their records, which was the story time after time in these persecutions.

I wonder what the Jewish population is there now.

* * *

Lord Wiki says the Jewish population, in Dubrovnik, BEFORE the Holocaust was only 250.

Now there's around 30.

* * *

Roosevelt's September 15, column deals with communism.

A man named Joseph Kornfeder claimed to be a former member of the Communist Carty and testified that there were six-hundred Protestant clergy who were part of the Communist Party.  

Roosevelt says, It seems to me that the evidence given at times is not always convincing, even though we are expected always to believe that anything said by an ex-Communist must, of course, be true.

I would want proof that Kornfeder was truly communist. I mean it might not prove what he was saying was true. But I think it would be a good place to start.

I think the Jan 6 hearings would be much less compelling if people only claimed to work for the Trump administration.

* * *

Roosevelt says that something used as evidence against the Protestant clergyman is that they signed a petition against the execution of the Rosenbergs.

Roosevelt says,  I happen to feel that the trial had been fair and since we had capital punishment in this country there was no other sentence that could be imposed. I do not believe in capital punishment, however, and hope we will do away with it.

I think that's called...I'm going to try hard to stay on the fence about this.  I can't blame her since being against the execution of the Rosenberg's might earn her the reputation of being a communist.

Roosevelt explains herself further, Many of those who signed that petition, I am sure, did so because they were opposed on principle to capital punishment and the question of the guilt of the condemned was secondary, particularly as in peace time it is rare to give such a penalty even for such a serious offense.

That makes sense.  It might not sitting on the fence.  I guess it's more like I agree the crime was bad enough to receive the harshest punishment.  But I don't particularly support the harshest punishment.

Being against a certain type of punishment doesn't mean we necessarily support the crime or believe the culprit is innocent.

* * *

I was trying to find the word "Jewish" or "Israel" in the column; then remembered Roosevelt notes that there were also Catholic and Jewish clergy being accused.

* * *

The last entry in 1953 mentioning Israel or Jewish is October 19.

Roosevelt talks about the Internationalization of Jerusalem.

I actually hadn't heard of the concept until reading her columns. Or I heard and forgot I heard.

In this column, she says: 

I find there is considerable desire on the part of certain religious groups to push the internationalization of Jerusalem. I have no idea whether this is a wise move or not. Yet something, I am sure, must be done before long to make it possible for both the Arabs and the Jews to cross the lines in Jerusalem without question. When I was there, the university and the hospital on the Arab side were not in use because the Jewish people were forbidden to cross into the Arab part of Jerusalem and the Arabs could not cross into the Jewish part. It is obvious that the sooner the change is made which allows people to move freely from place to place, the better will it be and the sooner will the tension in Jerusalem be eased.

I'm ashamed to say, I don't know how Jerusalem is handled these days.  The only thing I really know is that Trump moved the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.  Or he tried.

I did watch a great TV show about people living in Jerusalem.  It's like a Jewish version of Friends.

I have to Google for the name...

Srugim.  That's it.

Anyway, the show was great, but it didn't help me learn the political boundaries of Jerusalem.

* * *

I'm reading parts of an NPR article about Jerusalem.

Or maybe I should go ahead and read the whole thing.

I was looking for a quick answer.  But I should probably take the time to learn it all a bit carefully.

The article was written in response to Trump moving the embassy.

Even though the embassy was moved, the practice of putting Jerusalem on the US passports of people born there (vs a country) still remains.  

NPR says the Western part of Jerusalem is seen as belonging to the Jews.  The Eastern part has important Jewish, Christian, and Islamic holy sites. Israel captured it in 1967 and have been increasing their population there.  This is one of the places that's considered occupied territory.

Before 1948-1949, the Jews and Arabs were kind of mixed together in the city.

After a war, fences were put up.

The Jews went west and the Arabs went east.

Arabs had to abandon their homes. Jews the same. 

Interestingly, the article uses the term abandoned and fled to refer to the Palestinian's situation and expelled when referring to the Jewish situation.

Is that an accurate assessment?

If this came from a more right-leaning source, I would expect a bias.  But NPR is left-leaning, and I feel left-leaning sources tend to have more sympathy with Palestinians.

Oh!  I should mention that Jews were barred from the Western Wall which is the most holy site for Jews.  It would be like banning Muslims from Mecca.

* * *

In 1967, there was another war.

Israel captured eastern Jerusalem and refused to give it back.

The article says, But in the eyes of the U.N. and nearly all governments, it's seen as occupied territory.

However, the embassy is NOT in the area considered to be occupied.

But there is fighting over Jewish people moving into areas that are predominantly Arab.  These Jews are being labeled as settlers. But Israel disagrees, because they don't consider the area occupied.

The Palestinians think Israel is doing this as a land grab kind of thing.  I guess the idea is to have as many Israeli's in these areas as possible.  Then if there is ever a 2 state solution, Israeli's can try to claim there is more of them there, so the land should go to them.

OR something like that?

* * *

I need to learn more about the concept of Israel as occupiers.  If when people are saying that, they're referring to the land obtained in 1967, I think it's fair.  I don't necessarily agree with it.  I need to learn more about the war.  But I think it's fair to see a piece of land, obtained in a war, to be contested.   

If people are referring to all of Israel as being occupied; then I think that's antisemitism.  

And I see "Free Palestine!" a lot.  What does that refer to?  Is it the areas that the UN had originally labeled as being for the Arabs?  Is it freeing Palestinians from having to go through arduous checkpoints?  Or are they saying they want Israel to disappear completely?

It probably varies person to person.  

For those who use such a statement as their response in discussions of antisemitism, it's probably more likely the latter.   And...it might also be a bot sometimes.  


Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

 

Wanting to Wake Up and Go Home

I've been struggling think of a way to describe the strange feeling I've had the past few months.

I came up with a description that might work.

Let's say for some reason you were stuck in a dream. Maybe you're in a coma.  It's not a horrible dream.  It's fairly okay. There are good parts, bad parts, mediocre parts, etc.  

You don't usually realize you are dreaming.  You go with the flow.  But sometimes you realize it, and though it's not a horrible dream, there's a part of you that thinks: Okay. This is nice and all.  But I've had enough. I want to wake up and go home.

Fortunately, I do NOT have this feeling 24/7.  It just comes in waves...usually once or twice a day.  And I feel like I'm having it less lately.  

In other news, we saw the movie Coda, and it has inspired me to slowly start learning American sign language.  I'm using this YouTube channel for that.

AND....

I finally managed to find my second City in Minecraft.  It involved expanding a map and then digging my way back home.  It took many hours spread over multiple days.

I went the underground route, because my lack of going to sleep gave me the extra terrifying threat of the night phantoms.

I did periodically surface carefully during the daylight hours to grab some needed wood and place some doors in various locations.  My idea was that I wanted doors in the overworld in case I somehow died underground. I wanted to have hope that I could find the tunnels again.  I have tons of good stuff collected in various places along the tunnels.

I tunneled all the way up into one of my skyscrapers.  

Though I was happy and relieved to find my way back to my city, I was a tiny bit disappointed, because I enjoyed the quest.  I realized I didn't want to end the tunneling.  So I've started a second route in the tunnel with plans to continue filling the map via underground.  


Map #41 which is an expansion of Map #35
The top left hand corner is where I got lost.
In the green space to the left of the desert, there
are two white blobs.  The northern, smaller one is 
my city. My two goals: 1. Make the white blob a 
bigger blob 2. Fill out the rest of the map.
Lots of building and lots of exploring. 





How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

Karen, Please Don't Sit So Close To Me

I had a Covid 19 dream.

I think this is my fourth or fifth.

So in this dream.....

We are siting in the den. Tim tells me he and his sister are planning to take a trip together in July. I'm annoyed, because he has been so careful about the whole quarantine thing. So why now does he think traveling will be okay by July?

Our friend Karen is there. She comes and sits close to me. I don't want to make a fuss, so I just discreetly move to another seat. Then she follows me there as well. 

I move away again and remind her about social distancing. She sheepishly tells me she keeps forgetting about that.

Based on my other dreams and conscious feelings, my guess is that the dream is 90% about coronavirus anxiety.  Though I think I might actually be more scared of the people than the virus.  I think the virus has just awakened something in me that I was somewhat suppressing.

I see people talking about wanting to get back together and hug their friends. I have no such desires!  And I really thought I liked hugging.  I thought I was a hugging type person.

Well, I'll see how I am after the pandemic has ended.  Maybe it's just a temporary aversion that I'll get over.

Note: I'm happy to hug my husband and son.  But the thought of touching anyone outside that small circle and getting close enough to smell them....it just makes me feel yuck.  And I wasn't like that before.

Anyway, I'm going on a tangent again.

I'm wondering if the other 10% behind the dream was Karen-related. I've had anxiety lately about whether or not I'm a Karen. I haven't called the police on any Black people or bothered a Black person for simply taking up space. Which is the worst aspect of a Karen.

I don't have the Karen-hair. Nor am I demanding a haircut. I haven't gotten a professional haircut in about 16 years, actually.

I don't ask for the manager.

BUT....I have been an assertive, complainer at times.  The main times were when I had problems with neurologists and neurology centers. There's a question of where do we draw the line between being rightfully assertive and being a Karen.

And maybe you can have rightful indignation but handle it in the wrong way.  For example, at the third neurologist, I spoke out because their bathrooms had zero soap.  And I went to two of their bathrooms!  I thought that was quite disgusting. I complained to the front desk. I didn't yell at them, but I think I acted kind of Karen-like.  I've been thinking...was it really their fault that the soap was out?  I could have probably talked to them in a more gentle way.

Earlier, with the second neurologist, I demanded an apology for how they treated me. I definitely still think they owed me major apologies. But was it too Karen to demand the apology?  And would things have turned out better if I hadn't demanded the apology. Or would they have still walked all over me?

Anyway, I'm going to have to learn how to balance sticking up for myself with not wanting to be a Karen.

All that being said, the dream could have also been due to the simple fact that I don't have a huge social circle, and three people in that circle are named Karen. There's family friend Karen (the one in the dream), my mother-in-law Karen and cousin Karen. And it's not unusual for me to dream of these Karens...even before Karening became a thing.



Read my novel: The Dead are Online 

No Kiss No Coach

This morning I watched the "Money" episode of Kath and Kim.

Kath (Jane Turner) wants to rent a Cinderella coach for her wedding transportation. The episode is about her trying to raise the money. At the end, she gets close, but she's fifty dollars short.  The guy who owns the wedding transport business tells Kath she can have the coach if she kisses him.  He says, No kiss no coach.  It would be easy to just kiss him and get the coach, but Kath sticks to her principles and runs out.

The episode reminded me of Australian surgeon Gabrielle McMullin. She's the one who said that women should stay silent about the sexual abuse they endure, because speaking out can ruin their careers. 

Just grin and bear it.

Sometimes that's the easy way. I guess. I mean if we define easy as not putting up a fight...maybe McMullin has a point.

But easy isn't always the best path.  

And although accepting unwanted sexual advances might be a career boost; and it might prevent you from having to endure a legal battle, I'm pretty sure the interactions are going to result in some type of damage. And dealing with that damage probably won't be easy.

Well....

Here's an article about the problems people can endure from sexual harassment. On their list: depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, high blood pressure, sleep problems, suicide, and neck pain.

I don't think any of those things are easy.

I wonder, though. Are there women who accept the sexual advances yet do not have problems because of it?  

What if Kath cheerfully kissed the coach guy, got what she wanted, and didn't feel any less about herself or the world? Would we still say she did the wrong thing?

I really don't know what I'd say.

I'm thinking I'd probably say it was her choice and if she's okay with it, that's her business.

I hesitate a bit, though, because if she says yes, she's making it easier for the guy to do it to the next woman.   

Then again, what if the next woman WANTS to kiss the coach-guy. What if she has a big crush on him?

No....

I guess it wouldn't matter. Whether you find someone attractive or are repulsed by them, no one should be pressured to trade sexual/intimate activity with goods, services, advancement, etc.  

Now I'm thinking it's probably best for all women to say no—stand up for themselves and all other potential victims.  But if a woman does end up saying yes, because that felt like the easiest thing to do, I wouldn't villainize her. I could probably understand where she's coming from.  


Before I end this post, I'm going to get on my soap box and bitch about one of my pet peeves.  I know it might sound a bit far-fetched to some folks. But I think adults forcing young children to kiss and/or hug people they don't want to is quite similar to sexual harassment.  If adults have a right to say no to unwelcome affection, why not children?

Yes, it's awkward when Great Aunt Trudy asks for a kiss, and Mikey pouts and says no.  But I think Mikey has a right to say no. Personally, I think the best thing to do is ask Mikey if he'll wave to Great Aunt Trudy instead.  I think that's much less intrusive.  

I don't think it's wrong to gently ask for a kiss or hug but preferably only when there's a comfortable and positive relationship between the adult and child. If the adult hardly knows the child or there's been shyness from the child, it's probably best not to ask for that kiss or hug. And if the child says no or backs away, I strongly believe their answer should be listened to and respected.  Yes, it can be a bit of a sting. But I think mature adults can be gracious about the situation.  

Here's an article talks about these issues...if anyone is curious.  


Read my online novel:  The Dead are Online 


  

Sibylla Budd

When I first saw Gabrielle on The Secret Life of Us, I thought she was played by Anna Torv. Well, because I knew Torv was on the show, and Gabrielle sort of looked like her.

I guess by the second episode I knew it wasn't her, probably when I paid more attention to the opening credits.

According to IMDb, Anna Torv doesn't appear until 2004. I guess that's the last season.  I remember hearing that the show loses a lot of its main cast in the end.  

Anyway...Gabrielle is probably my second favorite female character on the show. Well, actually she's probably my second favorite character, period. I think I prefer the females on the show to the men.  

I could actually imagine myself having a girl crush on Gabrielle. Though it hasn't happened yet.  

In the meantime, I wanted to find out more about the actress who plays her. 

Sibylla. Interesting name. I don't think I've heard of it before.

She was born in Canberra. IMDb doesn't provide a year. 

How about Lord Wiki?  

Nope. He doesn't know her age either.

How mysterious!

I want to look up her name.  

The novel My Brilliant Career has the name spelled differently. Sybylla.  I think I read the novel, so then I'd be wrong about not seeing the name before.

Lord Wiki says Sibylla was the Queen of Jerusalem. Despite being in Jerusalem, this Sibylla was neither Jewish or Palestinian. She was part of the Franks, which were a Germanic tribe.

Sibylla is also the name of a fast food restaurant in Finland and Sweden.

Back to Sibylla the Australian actress.

Her first screen role, according to IMDb, was a part in a TV series called Something in the Air. Eric Bana was one of the stars. Sibylla Budd had a part in the 59th episode. That was in 2000.

She was on The Secret Life of Us from 2001-2003.  With sixty-six episodes, this seems to be her most substantial role. But she's also done several episodes of All Saints, Sea Patrol, Canal Road, and Winners and Losers.

I'm going to seek out more information about her time on All Saints, since I watched some of that.

Budd was on thirteen episodes from 2005-2006. Her character was named Deanna Richardson.

This Aussie television website says Deanna Richardson wasn't a very nice girl.

I like what Budd says in the article. She talks about how she finds her own negative emotions, and then magnifies them to play the character.  I want to succeed in life, and that's what Deanna wants but just 10 times more, and she will stop at nothing to get what she wants, so I try to take that tiny seed of what I have and exploit it in her.

I do that with my writing sometimes. If you base the villains somewhat off of yourself, then they hopefully end up being less one-dimensional. We all have a dark side, so you just have to be brave enough to reach out to it.

Here's a video interview with Budd regarding a show called It's a Date.  There're a few actors I recognize in the cast list—Asher Keddie, Pia Miranda, Dan Wylie, and Kate Ritchie.

I'm watching the video now. Sibylla Budd is very smiley! She looks very happy.

It's a bit hard to hear the interview. There's a ton of background noise.

Are they saying Ralph Fiennes? I'm lost.

Sibylla Budd is very cute.

From what Lord Wiki is telling me, It's a Date is one of those shows where each episode has different stars.  I'm saying one of those shows, but now I can't really think of another show like that.

Oh! Never mind. I thought of one. The Twilight Zone. Also, shows like The Twilight Zone, such as The Outer Limits and Amazing Stories.

I can't think of any shows like that which aren't science fiction or fantasy. Can you?

Well, now at least we have It's a Date.

Sibylla Budd is in the second episode of the series.  One of her co-stars for the episode was Luke McGregor. Lord Wiki says he has a comedy show called My Soulmate is Out Of My League.  I like that title.

Lord Wiki says in their date storyline, Budd plays a woman who thinks she's going on a date with an African-American. But instead he turns out to be a guy with red hair. I'm guessing that's a caucasian with red hair and not a black guy with red hair.

When Lord Wiki says African-American does he mean the guy is literally American rather than Australian?

Sometimes I think people get confused about the term African-American and apply it to any black person, even if they are not American.

But maybe in this case, the guy is actually African-American. Although he's really not. He's a red-headed Australian. But maybe Sibylla Budd's character thinks he's African-American. I wonder why. Did he tell her that? Did he lie? Or did he say something to give her the wrong idea?

Well, I just looked on the official ABC website for It's a Date, and it's not just Lord Wiki calling the guy African-American.  ABC says the same thing. So I'm going to assume we're really talking African-American rather than African-Australian.

Anyway, I think this is it for me for now.

There's an unusual bird sound outside. I'm going to go investigate.


Read my novel: The Dead are Online