According to the Pooh Pathology Test....

So...according to the Pooh pathology test, I'm very much not autistic.  





I'm retaking the test now to see which questions are probably the autistic ones (because I took this a few days ago and didn't really pay attention to which questions were about which things).

So....

# 9 might be one.  It asks, When I feel overwhelmed by my senses, I have to isolate myself to shut them down.

I think this would apply to autistic people who are sensitive to sound. I don't think I am. I'm sensitive to sight and touch.

I think people with a sound sensitivity would be the ones who most likely need to isolate themselves. For me, if I became very overwhelmed, I could close my eyes.  Or just look the other way.

Even with a strong sound sensitivity, the question might not apply to an autistic people, because they might accommodate their own needs by wearing noise-canceling headphones.  

I do sometimes feel overwhelmed. Let's say in a crowded place where there's a lot going on, and I've been having to stand a lot.  That would be hard on me. But I wouldn't need to totally isolate myself.  Leaving the situation and going somewhere less crowded, less intense, and being able to sit...that would probably be enough.

I wonder what's more common, though——people who can withstand crowds and intense sensory input for long periods or people who can handle only small or medium doses?

#15 is Sarcasm and tone of voice are often lost on me.  This is very much not true for me. I get sarcasm, and I think I'm hypersensitive to tone of voice rather than hyposensitive.  

Statements/questions like this mess with my head, though. Because I think, Wait. Maybe I'm not autistic. And also, I think...Maybe I AM autistic and I'm wrong about being good with sarcasm and tone of voice.  Maybe I've been misunderstanding people all these years. 

#25 is I take things too literally, so that I often miss the intention behind what people are trying to say.

I think that is supposed to be an autism question. 

I don't think I often take things too literally.  

Although in psychological tests I sometimes do it.  It's hard to know how to answer questions with words like often, always, frequently...OR with questions about whether people tell you that you're a certain way.  

Speaking of, one of the psychological tests I hate the most is the depression one.  It's the one that asks about your negative feelings.  The lowest choices are not at all and several days.  I hate that, because I feel forced to lie. I don't have these feelings on several days a week, but I definitely don't never have the feelings either.  

I've come to wonder if it's a trick test. Maybe they pretend that they're screening you for depression, but they're really doing a study to see how people respond to not being given the choice of something like Seldom or Occasionally. How do people react when they're forced between two extremes?  

Anyway.....I think my answer to Pooh #25 would be that I know how to NOT take things literally, but sometimes I need to be told whether I'm supposed to take things literally. The only thing I can think of where this "Sometimes" applies is in taking psychological tests.

And the last autism-related Pooh question is #33-I'm under-sensitive to social cues and the prospect of danger.  

No. I don't think that applies to me.

Now I have to figure out if I'm more offended that the test refers to autism as a pathology or that it says I'm not autistic.  


Read my novel: The Dead are Online

Watching Yo Samdy Sam's Video About Autism Diagnostic Criteria

 This morning I watched Yo Samdy's Sam's video about autism diagnosis criteria.



My feelings throughout the video ranged from major imposter syndrome: Oh shit. Why did I even think I'm autistic? I can't believe I wrote all these blog posts about autism. I feel like such a pathetic fool

To.....

Yeah. I think I'm quite autistic.

Anyway....

I really appreciated what Yo Samdy Sam says towards the end of the video.

She says: 

Right, so we're onto category D which is my least favorite of the categories, and you'll soon see why. 

Category D: Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

So this is really the one that I think needs rethinking the most. You could agree with every single autistic trait, symptom, or whatever. But because it doesn't cause distress, that means you're not autistic.  That just doesn't seem very likely.  

The thing that is hard is living in a world that is not set up for you.  Let's say you grew up in a family that accommodates your needs without really knowing that's what they're doing.  Maybe you found a job in a very autism friendly industry or company.  You had a few friends who happen to be autistic. So maybe it never gets to the point of distress. You have a simple life. You have a stress-free life. But that still makes you autistic.  And I would say that the more stress you put on autistic people, the more obvious our traits can be.  

I understand why they put this in. "Because their reasoning is if all these happy little autists get diagnosed, first of all it would be an epidemic. It would be an autism epidemic.  But the system would be overrun. They'd have to support all these autistic people. So maybe we should save the diagnosis for those who really need them".

I don't agree with this, because you can be functioning fine at a point in your life. you relate to all the autistic traits,  and they say, Yeah, but it's not really causing you any problems. Maybe 10 years down the line, it does start to cause you problems. You're no more autistic than you were 10 years ago.  

But for most, many, a lot of?  I'm not exactly sure the numbers, but for some autistic people, especially if you were not diagnosed in childhood, when you were diagnosed as an adult, you're usually diagnosed because of a breaking point.  And this could be a period of depression, a period of anxiety, losing friends or a partner, losing your job, etc.  Or struggling to find employment, and even a full-blown autistic burnout.   

And all of these things do count as being clinically significant. So don't think that just because you haven't had a meltdown in public or you haven't done this, that you don't have clinically significant signs of autism.  Because if it's causing you suffering in your everyday life, you need to get that across to the diagnostician.  But I think it's a problem that we won't diagnose a neurotype, on the basis of well, you're not suffering now, are you?     

I do think the category D in the diagnostic criteria makes sense and is fair if autism is being seen as a disease/disorder.  I think it's more than fair, because it wouldn't be right to label happy, well-adjusted, but weird people, as being sick, not-right, defective, etc.   

But for those of us who see autism as a neurotype rather than a disorder, category D excludes people who very much should be included. 

If anything, wouldn't it be great for autistic people to have happy, well-adjusted autistic people to look up to and be inspired by?

It's funny. I read D and feel I wouldn't qualify. Yet I definitely don't feel I fit the description in the small paragraph about this one.  

I find it hard to imagine my experience as being either inspiring or clinically significant. 

But the lack of clinical significance is probably less about me not-struggling and more about my avoidance of seeking help.

I did go to therapists as a child and teen.  I remember at least four different therapists/psychiatrists. 

As an adult, though, I've avoided it until recently. A part of it was related to what I mentioned in my previous post—not liking appointments, cost, worry about feeling judged, etc.

Then there was the idea that if I went to a therapist, this would be confirming that my family was right. I WAS the one who's defective. They were the (almost) perfect, wonderful family they imagined themselves to be, and I was the stain.  

I guess one of the main things that stopped me was the knowledge that therapists are human and biased. 
They have their own cultural biases, ethnic biases, religious biases, etc. They each have their own ideas about what behaviors and feelings are okay and which are not okay.  And they each have their own set of values. 

To me, it feels less risky and more helpful to watch therapist videos on YouTube, read therapy posts on Instagram, read articles written by psychologists, etc.  This way I can read the stuff that applies to me and makes sense to me, and turn off and/or ignore the stuff that does not.

All this being said, there was a time that I was especially struggling, and I emailed two or three psychologists.  Not one of them wrote me back, and I took that as yet another rejection and/or the universe telling me I didn't deserve help.

I don't struggle everyday. Often I'm happy. But I think part of that comes from making my own accommodations for my life. One of my biggest thing is when I'm feeling rejected, neglected, lonely, hopeless, etc. I find comfort in things like TV shows.  OR also I sometimes avoid all those feelings in the first place by relying on fictional people for companionship and comfort more than real people.  

I have wondered lately that if I HAD gone to a psychologist or psychiatrist in the last few decades, when I was struggling, would that have led to an autism diagnosis?

There's a chance it would have.

But there's probably more of a chance it would have not.  I've seen a lot of stories of autistic people being previously diagnosed with other things such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, etc.  They get diagnosed with the comorbidities of autism, but it's much more of a struggle to get to the actual autism diagnosis.  

All in all....watching Yo Samdy's Sam's video this morning gave me even stronger motivation to avoid seeking an autism diagnosis.  

I feel/think I AM autistic. I have social problems. I have sensory issues. I DEFINITELY have special interests. I have the stimming.  But I don't have all these issues in stereotypical-autistic ways, and unless the therapist was very flexible and open-minded, I don't think I would qualify as being DSM-level autistic.  

So...I shall probably take the thousands of dollars and apply it to my future participation in the metaverse.  

I bet there will be a lot of autistic folks in the metaverse.  

 

 

 
 

 

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-departed to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 





Reasons For Me NOT to Get an Autism Diagnosis

I've been struggling to decide if I will someday pursue getting an official diagnosis of autism.  At this point, I'm leaning towards no.  This post shall go over the reasons swimming around in my brain for such a decision.  


1. It's way too expensive.  From what I've seen, it costs around $2000-$3000 dollars.  

At a place I know of in Dallas, base rate for a general evaluation for adults is $2500.  That looks at various psychological things. And then autism is an add-on for $500.  So that's $3000.

I have found only one therapist who does autism testing for adults in Fort Worth (where I live).  Their website doesn't provide the fee for testing. But they do say that the therapist, who does the testing, has a $200 per hour fee. I guess I could talk really fast and get a better price that way.

The cost of a diagnosis is not out of our financial range. We would not have to sacrifice housing, medication, meals, electricity, etc.  

But there are other fun things we could buy or do with $3000, such as a virtual reality set, Disney tickets, plane tickets to an international destination, more cat scratching towers.....

Counterargument: I don't have ANY decent counterarguments against using the money for travel adventures instead. But I do see some validity in supporting the career of someone who worked hard to become a psychologist or psychiatrist. Then maybe SHE can buy Disney tickets for her family.  

2.  If I seek a diagnosis, I feel I'm very much playing into the mindset of autism being pathological—a disease, disorder, etc.  

Homosexuality is no longer in the DSM.  

I would like autism to go down a similar path. 

That's not to say autistic people don't need extra support. But a lot of that need is related to societal prejudices and rigid definitions of what kind of minds and behaviors are acceptable.  

Being gay is not a pathology. It's not a disease or disorder. But gay people do need special support. And what does that support look like? Well, a big thing is society letting go of the notion that marriage must be only between people of the opposite gender.  

Acceptance to the point of changing customs, laws, and expectations is a huge form of support.  

I hope for a future where parents don't look out for red flags; then, in tears, rush their child to their pediatrician. Instead they chat casually at playgroup.  Hey, my child is really into lining up her car toys, and she refuses to eat any food covered in sauce. I think she's autistic!  And then another mom replies. Oh, that's so cute!  My kid is autistic too!  

And I know not all autism is easy, casual, or only slightly challenging.

A child might have dangerous stims such as banging their head against the wall or picking at their skin until it bleeds. They might have huge meltdowns.  But maybe instead of getting a diagnosis and treatment for autism, they simply get help for those specific problems.  

Autism does have many comorbidities—epilepsy, eating disorders, OCD, anxiety, depression, gastro-issues, sleep disorders.

But you know what else has comorbidities? Being an Ashkenazi Jew,  But we don't go to a doctor to get diagnosed as Jewish.   

Let's say the kid who lines up the cars begins to have huge meltdowns. The mother wouldn't go to a psychologist to get a diagnosis. She would already know her child is autistic, because A) she can read and do research on what being autistic entails B) She knows her child more than anyone.

So, she goes to the therapist not for a diagnosis but to seek out advice and help for her child.  

I think we need to stop relying on professionals to tell us who we are and/or what we're feeling.  Instead I think going to professionals  should be more about getting help in working through our struggles.   

Counterargument: The future I hope for may never happen or if it does happen, it will probably be decades from now.  I think diagnosism is going to stay very relevant, unfortunately. 

I have felt very invalidated through out my life—about my feelings, about my health problems, about my mental health issues, about my singing, my writing, interpersonal issues, etc.  Being undiagnosed in a world where getting a diagnosis is an important prerequisite to getting understanding, compassion, and validation sometimes seems too hard for me to handle.

Counter-counter-argument: I WAS officially diagnosed with a DVT and the response I've gotten from most people about that seemed to be pretty much disinterest, indifference, and covert attempts at shaming.  So...... 

 3. Getting a diagnosis won't rid me of my imposter syndrome.

When I first started writing about autism in April, I imagined I might be the first person to see imposter syndrome as something that could happen with something like autism rather than a career-related situation.

It turns out I was very wrong. Imposter syndrome is a subject that is often mentioned in the autistic community.

And from what I've seen from autistic influencers who are professionally diagnosed, getting the diagnosis does not fully cure people of imposter syndrome.  Even without hearing their personal experiences, though, I think I'd still have my doubts.  

I don't have full faith in doctors and/or psychologists.  

I think my imposter syndrome would go like this: Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not autistic. No! I am autistic. The psychologist said so!  But...what if she's wrong?  Or what if she's just made a career of giving people the labels they desire for themselves?  

Counterargument: Even if my imposter syndrome isn't cured with a diagnosis, it might lessen it a bit.  And even a small reduction in those feelings might be really nice.

Counter-counter argument: There's the chance that the psychologist says I'm NOT autistic which will greatly increase the imposter syndrome.  

4. I hate appointments 

I haven't gone to a hair appointment in about 17 years.

I went many years without going to the dentist.  I finally started up again after my tooth broke. I did a year or two of being good about doing dental appointments. Then I quit again.

It took me ten months to finally go to a neurologist for my myoclonus symptoms. And that led eventually to a huge horrible mess.  I didn't end the story with a feeling of, wow. I'm so glad I got help for that!

I don't like the dread I feel after making the appointment, and I don't like the one on one interaction of having an appointment.

I had grand plans for this summer. I was going to go to the doctor to get referrals for a dermatologist and psychologist/psychiatrist.  

I kept putting it off and then I decided I just don't want to do it.  

Counterarguments: Avoiding appointments is probably not a very healthy choice and probably something I need to work through.  Though I am pretty okay at cutting my own hair. 

5. I will imagine the therapist doesn't like me

I tend to feel very judged by people. That probably explains the above issue of not liking one on one interactions.

I often feel anxious with worries of being perceived as mentally unhealthy, unlikeable, creepy, a pariah, an attention-seeker, a bad person, etc.   

I did online therapy a few months ago and worried I was writing too much; taking too much of the therapist's time; that my problems were ridiculous to him, etc.  As I wrote in this post, some of these feelings come from projecting my own self-esteem issues onto others.  

Counterargument: It's likely that a lot of my self-esteem issues are related to my autistic traits. And it could turn out that the therapist's mindset is more in line with a neurodiversity view of autism than a pathological/medical viewpoint.  Instead of viewing me as a "very off" neurotypical person, she might view me as a cool autistic person.  There's a chance she might not only give me the gift of a diagnosis but also provide me with inspiration, advice, compassion, etc...various things that might help me with my self-esteem.

Counter-counter argument: It seems just as likely to me that the therapist will be the type who A) thinks I'm not Sheldon Cooper or Shaun Murphy enough to be diagnosed with autism.  B) Sees all my autistic traits as something that needs to be overcome. 

6. I will be all messed up and confused about my behavior. 

Am I taking off the (neurotypical) mask or am I putting on a mask?  In most situations I probably try hard to appear "normal" especially if I feel I'm going to be judged. But in this case, do I try to NOT try to appear normal?  

I've heard multiple stories of people being denied diagnosis, because they were able to make eye contact. Should I then avoid eye contact? 

No, because if I fake any symptom and end up with a diagnosis....that's really not going to do well for my imposter syndrome.  

But then what if I end up making extra eye contact just to overcompensate for these confusing feelings?

I also can totally imagine that I would be hyper-aware of any stimming I end up doing and then question whether I'm doing it subconsciously on purpose. Okay. Yeah. That's a contradiction.  I know.  What I mean is: my subconscious might be doing it for wanting-to-be-autistic reasons.

One day I was in the kitchen and suddenly noticed I was flapping/shaking my hands. It felt so normal and natural to me. But I had no idea if it's something I've always done and not noticed. Or if by reading so much about autism, I subconsciously picked it up.

I'm now realizing it might be something I've done when my hands are wet or I have crumbs or food on my hands.  A couple of years ago, Tim saw me shaking my hands and thought my neurological symptoms had worsened and became more noticeable.  But no...it was more of a habit thing.

One thing I've realized with habit kind of movements/stimming vs involuntary movements is that with the latter I very much notice it.  

I definitely notice immediately when my toe twitches and then both my arms jump.  But it took me awhile to notice that while writing this I've been scratching my right foot with my left toenail. I probably wouldn't have noticed it, at all, if I hadn't been writing about stims.  

Counter Argument: If I go to the appointment, it might be entertaining to my future self (and other readers) to read about all these messed up feelings I end up having during the actual appointment. 

I mean...looking at the bright side, my neurologist nightmare provided me with material for several blog posts.  

7. I feel it is unfair to people who can't afford the diagnosis and despite my best intentions, I might end up seeing my autism as more valid than those who are self-diagnosed.  

People in the autism community tend to say that self-diagnosis is valid. Though then they say and do things that make me feel they don't completely mean that. For example....they might not start their journey as an autistic influencer UNTIL they've gotten that official stamp.  

Though I feel people shouldn't wear their diagnosis as a badge. Though I feel we should stop this mentality of diagnosism when it comes to mental illness or neurological differences....I think if I get a diagnosis, I might go astray from those values.  

Counterargument: I can get a diagnosis but make it a point to stay true to the values that I value. I can make sure to remind myself of the financial and racial barriers to getting a diagnosis. I can also remember how I felt as an undiagnosed person, etc.  

8. Getting a diagnosis will be time consuming.  

I am blessed with more disposable free time than most people.  But I have a huge to-watch list, and I'm really into Minecraft lately.  

Counterargument: Is there one?  I'm trying to build a city in Minecraft with multiple skyscrapers. And this is on survival mode, normal and NOT with a flat world seed.


Architecture is not one of my talents, actually. 


 

Update (3/1/21)  After (despite) saying all the above....I am now pursuing an Autism diagnosis via an autistic therapist in Canada.  We shall see how that goes.  I love the idea of being diagnosed by someone who is professionally qualified and ALSO autistic herself.  I also like that the process involves an initial screening.  If they don't think you're autistic (which will yes be devastating to me), you don't need to go through the second part which is more intensive and expensive.  So I can be devastated and have identity confusion, BUT at the same time, I will feel like I'm saying money.  Maybe I'll use that money to buy myself oh-shit-I'm-not-autistic presents.  





How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-departed to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

What's in the Glass?

Today, on my walk, I started thinking about toxic positivity and toxic negativity.   

I thought about the whole glass full vs glass empty thing.



And then I decided that assuming the person in question actually LIKES and WANTS the liquid in the glass is an aspect of toxic positivity.

A half full glass of something that is disgusting to us is not a good thing. 

Beyond the glass thing, here are some real world examples:

1. A family member is going on vacation. We check the weather forecast for where they are staying. We see that every day is supposed to be in the 80's and sunny. You really lucked out with the weather for this trip! we say, You're going to have a great time! I hope you will count your blessings.

But if we had listened to our family member in the past, we would understand that they are heat sensitive and don't like sunny weather. They prefer cooler, cloudy weather.  And they love thunderstorms.

2. Our coworker is surprised, by their boyfriend, with a huge expensive, bouquet of roses. We tell them how lucky they are and that we envy them.  But maybe they don't like surprises, big gestures, floral gifts, etc.

I feel kind of egocentric about these examples, because they represent my own likes and dislikes (minus the thunderstorm bit) 

I'm betting there have been times where I saw someone as blessed, lucky, etc. when they had something I would like and imagined they'd like it too.  

I can't think of a real life example.  

Sadly, it's probably more likely that I would know they dislike what I see as a blessing and then I'd judge them for not liking it.  

Oh! I remembered an example.  My sister's family went on a vacation, and it involved huge iguanas visiting their balcony. I envied them for that, knowing that some of them were less thrilled about big reptiles than me.  And yes. I had snobby feelings towards them about that. 


How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-departed to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

Bonus Expansion Packs

While in the pool today, I had some thoughts.

And the thoughts led me to imagining my family as Sims.

I think from 2017-2019, it was like we were playing the pets expansion pack.  We all had pets before, but in those years, the pet thing kind of blew up.

My parents adopted two dogs.

We adopted Annie and Yeti



One of my sister's family ended up with five dogs. Though they might have gotten the fifth dog during the pandemic.  I forget.  

Anyway....

In 2020, we were supposed to install the university expansion pack. Jack and his cousin were starting  college. And we did play that. But it's like we unknowingly also installed two bonus expansion packs: Pandemic! and Disaster! 

Our house was very damaged in the Texas winter storm.  Ever since then, I have felt weird.

I guess life has felt less real to me?  

It feels sort of like I'm in a long dream, or we're all living in a movie.  

Another analogy I came up with is the end of the school year where you have classes but you're just watching movies or hanging out...or having a field day. But maybe you do have one class that is supposed to be taken seriously, and you have a test, but you're not giving it as much thought as you usually would have.  

This morning I was reading the news...about climate change and the disasters it's causing. So that got me feeling that my feelings are maybe about the world ending. I don't mean a literal end...like everything exploding and everyone dying. Or almost everyone dying.

But it looks like there's going to be more and more disasters...more pipes bursting, more houses swept up by tornadoes, more buildings collapsing, more fires, more floods. 

Pandemics will probably become less rare. I mean instead of having a hundred years between them, we might start having them every decade.   Or it might be like an alternating thing. 2020-2022 pandemic; 2022-2024 no pandemics; 2024-2026 a pandemic; 2026-2028 no pandemics....

On top of all that, there's the political drama.  It seems that's going to get worse and worse.

 But....

Despite all this doom and gloom, despite my doing horribly in screenwriting contests, despite my friendship woes, despite online psychology tests telling me I'm depressed, am similar to Hitler, and have an IQ of 71, I usually feel pretty okay.  Or I could say I don't feel depressed. I'm not sure that feeling life is unreal is "okay", but I think it's probably a better feeling than depression.  


How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-departed to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 




Synchronocity Leads Me to Bonding With 2011-Me

Last night I had a dream that involved a discussion about how some Australian people sound more British to me than Australian.

Then...this morning I started reading an old blog post of mine.

Okay. Detour here.  Because of annoying changes on Blogger, I had to change my already somewhat complicated way of choosing which blog post to read.

So now what I do is look at the stats for my most popular posts in the last 24 hours. I go to the 7th post...and if that one already has my new labels, I move to the 13th post.

Well, I guess I should explain that my purpose in reading old blog posts is not just to reconnect with my past self but also to label or relabel old posts.

If both the 7th and 13th post don't need to be labeled or relabled, I move to the NOW stats and do the 7th or 13th post there.  My blog isn't super popular, so sometimes the blog posts don't even go up to 7.  In that case, I just have a day off. 

Anyway, my purpose of explaining this is to A) show my probable-autism in action B)illustrate the randomness to which I pick the blog post.

Well, is it still random?  It's actually very systematic. 

But...it's more like the universe is picking the post than me deliberately deciding I want to read this particular post.  

Am I making any sense?

I hope so.

So...to get back to my story.

It ended up that in the post, the universe has chosen for me today, I talk about British and Australian accents.  I had been a bit satisfied, because, while we were in line at the Epcot Food and Wine Festival, Tim finally made some acknowledgment of my ability to speak in an Australian accent.  

Now I'm going to read the rest of the post and see if there is any more synchronocity...or other fun stuff. 

The post has a lot of stuff about bucket filling and bucket dipping....the analogy.  I was really into that.  

Okay. Here's some more synchronocity.  Back then (in 2011, by the way) I wrote: Situations like that happen to me sometimes.  Someone will vent to me, and it's hard to give them sympathy, because I relate more to the person they're mad at.  I feel defensive about my own past actions, because they're like the guilty party's actions in the venting person's story.

That happened to me this week. Sort of. I related to the object of the venting and had sympathy, but I also (and more) strongly related to the person venting.  It's like I've been on both ends of the situation.

Oh! I just read further and see that I said, I think often, though, I manage to be reasonably sympathetic.  I guess the trick is to realize, in most cases, I CAN see both sides of the story.  I just have to think hard and carefully about it.

I feel I'm really bonding with 2011-Me right now.

2011-Me had a good example-story for the situation: 

Let's say an email-pal goes on and on about their annoying friend who's a vegetarian.   Of course I'm going to relate more to the email-pal's friend. I'm a vegetarian too.

And I'll probably be annoyed at my email-pal for being so intolerant of the vegetarian.

However, if I think hard about it, I can remember times when I've been annoyed by someone's alternative food lifestyle.  This is especially the case when the person is especially fanatic about it.

Once I remember these feelings, I can be empathetic instead of bitchy.

Oh no!!!!!

I just realized (saw) that this is the trip where I had the American Idol audition-trauma at Hollywood Studios.   

It was a horrible experience that filled me with major self-doubt.

I'm finding it kind of funny...both ha ha and sad/funny, because back then I had so much confusion and self-doubt about whether or not I'm a good singer. And now I'm having all this confusion and self-doubt about whether I'm autistic or not.

Now when I'm in a more mentally stable mood, I have a (probably) realistic idea of my singing ability. I think what is comes down to is I'm a FANTASTIC singer every so often. This is usually when no one is listening, and I haven't turned any camera on to record myself.  I also have to be in the right mood.

I'm sometimes lucky enough to be a good or great singer when I'm in the right mood, and there are some people listening...like family members.

Besides those times, I am a mediocre singer or a bad singer.  

When I auditioned at Hollywood Studios, I was horribly nervous, and I was probably a bad singer. On top of that, the nervousness likely made the audition people uncomfortable. And they probably didn't want to make the audience feel that discomfort...especially since the audience is supposed to be on vacation at the happiest place on earth.  

On top of all that that, I strongly believe there was some ageism involved. I think if I was of the age that American Idol preferred, they might have thought my nervousness was charming.  

In the 2011 post, I try to be light about the whole thing.  Or sort of light.  But I was very hurt...and my self-esteem took quite a plunge.  I say, I know all the people who get annoyed by my almost-constant singing will be glad to know that I'm as bad as they believed. They win.

This connects well back to the accent thing. I had often felt hurt by Tim (and other people in the family) not complimenting/acknowledging my singing and my fake accenting. 

I was desperate for validation.  I'm still often desperate. That hasn't changed.

I think maybe I should seek validation from my past self and give the same back to her.  I'll assure her that she's a sometimes a really good singer and also sometimes good at faking accents, and she can assure me that I'm not imagining that I'm autistic.  


A photo of me on that 2011 trip. I'm wearing a 
T-shirt I had made. I really think that should be
a question on all Autism tests: "Have you ever
made your own T-shirt about your special interest
and then wore it in public?" 






How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

Hilary Clinton Doesn't Drink the Blood of Children Because the Accusation Hurts Her Feelings

If someone suggests we have said something racist and we respond by telling them that they have hurt our feelings with the accusation, this is not evidence against us being racist. It's just evidence towards the fact that we can't handle criticism and also maybe that we're avoidant and manipulative.

If someone accuses us of sexual assault, talking about how this accusation has cost our family, and our friends does not prove we are innocent of sexual assault.  It just shows we are capable of using those who love us as manipulation tools.  

I think it's sometimes easier to gel with these concepts when we believe accusations and when the accused belongs to the opposite political viewpoint or the opposite whatever-viewpoint. 

But...

Sometimes it comes from our own side.

And sometimes it comes with accusations we don't actually believe. 

It happened for me yesterday.

Tim and I watched the quite-didactic series Debunking Borat.

It features the two conspiracy theorists of Borat Subsequent Moviefilm—(Jim Russell and Jerry Holleman) being fed debunking stuff from various experts.  

I think one of the main problem with the program is the episodes are too short.  They're about six minutes, and part of the time is dedicated to an intro that is too long in proportion to the size of the episode. Another portion is spent on flashy montages to show off the credentials of the experts. Not much time was spent on actual debunking.  

The show would have been better if each episode was at least 30 minutes.  I think more time is needed to debunk conspiracy theories.  You need more time to show both A) the opposing evidence against the theory B) the origins of the conspiracy theory.  The show did a little bit of this. But little is the key word here. 

The show seemed to think that they could get conspiracy theorists on their side by using bubbly friendliness and impressive credentials.  

Anyway....I wasn't impressed with any of the episodes.  But the one that annoyed me the most was the last.

In this episode, they deal with the conspiracy theory that Hilary Clinton drinks the blood of children.


The episode talked a bit about the blood libel trope. And I think that was supposed to be part of their defense.  But I thought that was a bit confusing, since the trope is known for being against Jews, and Clinton isn't Jewish.

But anyway...Clinton provided a taped defense/debunking to Russell and Holleman. Her main message?  The rumors hurt her feelings and also hurt her friends, families, and coworkers.

Okay. That in no way gives any evidence towards Clinton being innocent of blood-drinking.  

I thought it actually made her look guilty.  

I'm pretty sure she's NOT guilty of blood-drinking. But after watching her defense, I'm more open to the idea than I ever was before watching the Borat special.  




Note about the photo used: It comes from a True Blood  fan Flickr account via Wiki Commons.  If you were/are a fan of True Blood, you might enjoy their other photos.

Actually now that I look at the photos, I realize the photo I chose was somewhat inappropriate. One of the main plot points of the show is that vampires stopped needing real human blood, because a Japanese company invented an artificial alternative.  

Really. Instead of using energy on debunking rumors of political and Hollywood elites drinking blood, maybe we should be working on coming up with viable alternatives to human-blood-products.  You know....just in case.  





 

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

 


A Way to Describe My Visualizations

I thought of a way to sort of describe my visualizations (or lack of).

It might be like if you put your phone on the darkest setting; then imagine looking at a picture of something in a not-well-lit room.  AND...you see the image for only about 1/10 of a second.

So...if someone tells me to picture a certain person and I can manage to remember what they look like (because sometimes I can't) this is what it will be like for me.  A very quick dark flash. I can't sustain it enough to notice details.  

When I have random (unchosen) memories of an image...it might linger for a bit longer. Or...well...it's stronger in some way.  I'm not sure how to describe it.  

One night, some decades ago, I "fearlessly" looked at a photo of Zelda from Pet Sematary and then I was haunted by the image most of the night. It was a long time ago, and I can't remember how vivid the image was. But it was strong enough to torment me.  

I don't think my aphantasia is about not being able to visualize. I think it's about my CONSCIOUS brain not being able to do it.  My subconscious seems quite adept at doing it....especially when it's in full control (as in I'm asleep, dreaming).

So...back to my conscious abilities (or lack of). 

In February, we stayed with my parents. They asked which of the guest rooms we had chosen. I couldn't answer them at first, and they found this funny.  For me, I was thinking that they had expected me to notice and care about the room decor and therefore remember it.  But for them, they might have been expecting me to pull up the image whether I had consciously took note of it or not. 

If I remember correctly, they asked me about the colors in the room.  I had no earthly idea.

I was able to eventually tell them that the room faced the backyard. It's not that I could bring up a great, clear image of the backyard.  But I had noticed it, and I did remember that.  

I can't picture the room right now...except in a super dark, vague, way.  But I can answer some questions about the room, not really from visual memory but from knowledge memory.  I know there's a king size bed. I know that there's a large picture of my sister on the bedside table.  I know the carpet is a yellowish color....because I expected it to do well at hiding cat vomit. 

I know the bed has a ton of pillows.

I know there's a small round table, because I left my little plant on it and then forgot to take it with us when we left. (though we finally remembered to get it, and it's hanging out with new buddies in the town house).  


Thankfully I can also use photographs to
help me remember what a room looks like.


All of this aphantasia stuff is making me think that when we say things about putting ourselves in other people's shoes, we really don't put a lot of effort into it.  Because if we did, the concept of aphantasia wouldn't be so shocking to so many of us.  We would have already wondered about and questioned other people's experiences.  Instead so many of us assume that other people are experiencing what we experience.  

It can also be applied to pain. We tend to assume if someone makes a bigger fuss about their physical ailments than other people with the same ailments that these bigger complainers are less courageous, less stoic, etc.  But it could be that they actually feel things differently than us.   

Well, and it can go the other way as well. Some people might feel LESS pain than what is typical for their ailment. So we might assume they're in less dire need of medical attention.  And this could be very dangerous.  

 



How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-departed to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

Do You Hear Your Thoughts?

Yesterday I ended up watching this video about aphantasia from Quiet Mind Inside. She explains why she thinks she never realized that people could actually visualize, and it helped me understand why I had this blind spot (great pun, there) for 48 years. 

I glanced at her other videos and saw she has one about not having an inner monologue.  It was late, and I wasn't in the mood for watching another (and longer) video.  But I wondered if and why a lack of an inner monologue is related to aphantasia.

I started frantically Googling and saw something or somethings about people actually HEARING their inner monologue.  

What????!!!!!

I was totally freaked out...like giggling and on-the-verge-of-tears freaking out.

It's been mind-boggling enough to realize that "normal" people actually, literally visualize.  Like normal people might actually see with their imagination.

But people actually hearing their inner monologues?

I Googled to try to figure out if I was understanding things correctly.

I didn't really find a definite answer.  The idea I got was that there's question and confusion about what "hearing" means.  Is it literal? Figurative?

I'm sure that there are people who literally hear a voice in their head.  My question isn't whether it ever happens.  My question is whether it happens a lot.  Is that what most people experience?  

I was wondering then, what's the difference between that and having schizophrenic auditory hallucinations?   

I'm guessing then the person would be hearing voices that were not their own?

It kind of makes me see  people-claiming-to-hear--the-voice-of-God in a new light.  To me, the experience sounded extremely intense.  I mean it still would be.  But I think it would be much more startling to hear ANY voice in your head if you're like me and don't hear voices in your head than it would be just hearing a different voice to what you're used to.  

I definitely have an inner monologue...pretty much a constant one.  But it's silent.  I mean it's on volume zero.  

I don't know what's more strange to me—not having an inner monologue or having an inner monologue that you actually hear.  

Well...now I'm actually going to watch the video I mentioned above...about not having an inner monologue.  See if it gives me any insights.


 

 Okay, so it seems she is saying that other people actually hear their monologues.  She doesn't seem to have a monologue, period. She talks about how her self-conscious mind takes care of thought processes and communication skills for her.  Her comparison is how others of us walk. We don't need to tell our legs to move. They just do it.  So...her brain does the same for her mouth during conversations.

She then goes over reading...and with what she says there, it makes me think that there are (or she thinks there are) people who actually hear a voice when they read aloud.

Now I'm going to look at comments on the video and see if there are any insights there.

Linnjeanette says, 

The way you explain the reading and typing is exactly how I would explain my mind. But I have "an inner voice". I think thought rendering is maybe a better way of describing it. It's not really a voice, or a narration. And I think that maybe when people say "I hear a voice in my head" the word "hear" is the wrong one to use, it's more that expectation you explain - but it feels like a voice sort of, since it communicates.

This video made me even more confused since I feel like I can relate a lot to what you say, but I know for sure I have an inner monologue. Some of these things sound like a difference in definition and understanding maybe? Because thought rendering sound like a better way to describe it. It's just thoughts that float up there without any real sound.

This is what I'm wondering. What if people are NOT hearing an actual voice.  Maybe we're just not on the same page about the word "voice"?

Most of the comments seem to be about not having an inner monologue. That's fascinating too.  But at this time, I'm more interested in whether people actually hear their inner monologue.  

This article makes me think that people are truly HEARING their inner voice.

Note: I should mention that when I was Googling last night, I didn't really dig deep because A) I wanted to get to sleep B) the Internet doesn't work well in our bedroom. C) My (quiet) mind was racing. 

This article gives me pretty much the opposite answer as the last one. It's about thought-broadcasting, which they say is usually a psychotic symptom.  They say, Thought broadcasting occurs in different ways for different people. For some people, they might hear their thoughts being spoken aloud, when they are not actually saying them out loud.

That makes it sounds as if it's NOT typical to actually hear a voice.

I have had times where I have thought very private things and have had worries that a person with mind-reading powers might be walking by.  That situation would depend on someone actually having these powers. But if you actually can hear your inner voice, I can imagine it feeling more likely that other people will end up knowing what you're thinking.

Both ideas are irrational OR supernatural.  The second one seems more scary, though.  With the first, I just tell myself that it's unlikely one of these mind-reading people are nearby. And even if they are around...it's their word against mine. 

Although I don't like lying and I certainly wouldn't want to gaslight.  So I probably would blurt out a confession.





How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

No Cheese Pizza No Soup and Definitely No Mayonnaise!

I'm a moderately picky eater these days.  In my childhood and other younger years, I was a very picky eater.

I am guessing my very-picky status came from being autistic. I'm not sure, though, how much of it was due to sensory issues. I think a lot of it was due to faulty conclusions and associations.

Here are the things I was picky about in the bygone days.

1. I refused to eat soup. This came from not liking tomato based soups and concluding that ANY food with the name soup in it was off limits.

2. I would eat only mozzarella cheese and it had to be cooked. I refused any cold cheeses and any other cooked cheeses. 

3. I refused to eat cheese pizza. I think this is because one time we had a Kosher brand cheese pizza at my grandmother's house, and it was disgusting. So I concluded that all cheese pizza was a no.  Usually I'd be happy with pepperoni pizza. The exception was Tombstone frozen pizza. I didn't like their pepperoni.  But I was not okay eating their cheese pizza.  So I'd insist on being served pepperoni pizza, and I'd take off the pepperoni. Years later we went to a wedding and saw people I hadn't seen since childhood. This woman who hadn't seen me in about twenty years brought up the Tombstone pizza issue. To her, that was like my signature...move.

4. I hated/hate mayonnaise.  I have no idea where this came from.  My earliest memory of the issue comes from being at a restaurant with family.  One of my aunts (cousin by marriage, actually) revealed to me that there was mayonnaise on the bread I was eating. I was horrified.

5. When we ate at McDonald's...I would order a plain burger with just pickles.  I didn't want the tomato and ketchup.  

6. I was picky with meat. I liked some...like the meat in my mom's spaghetti sauce, taco meat, ribs, pepperoni sticks.  I wasn't fond of white meat chicken.  If I remember correctly, I didn't like meat in sauces besides the ones my mom made.  Or maybe it was with only Italian and Mexican food.  

I didn't eat Turkey at Thanksgiving.  

I didn't like any deli meats except for corned beef. 

I was so picky about meat that in order to not be rude, Tim and I started lying and telling people, who cooked for us, that I was vegetarian.  This wasn't great, because I don't like lying and also there was the worry that what if we were in a situation with these same people where I DID want to eat the meat.

Well...all that was solved eventually by me becoming truly vegetarian.

I think actually becoming vegetarian is what moved me from the very picky eater category to the moderately picky eater category. Because the food I was probably most often picky about was meat.

So...now instead of being known as a picky eater, I'm more often known as a vegetarian.

I've also grown out of some of my other issues, though. 

The soup one happened in college. I went to a Seder at the local synagogue. I didn't like any of the foods being served. I guess I was hungry. Or something gave me the motivation to try the matzah ball soup.  A miracle happened, and I finally realized that not all soup is like the tomato based one I used to not like.

It seems especially ridiculous to me now that I even refused to eat those sweet-fruit soups they serve on cruise ships.  

Yeah. Now I like a lot of soups. I even liked tomato based ones.

With the cheese issue. I think one day I was finally brave enough to try nacho cheese. And my memory is lacking in terms of my growth in this issue.  But I eat most cheese these days...cold or warm...various types.  

I also eventually learned that not all cheese pizza tastes like the Kosher one we ate at my Grandma's. 

As for the present....I still have a fair amount of dislikes.

1. Though I like most cheeses, I don't like sweet cream cheese and stay away from cheesecakes and frosting that's made of cream cheese. For a time, I was able to eat cream cheese on bagels.  But now I can't stomach it.  

2. I have a phobia of mayonnaise. There are some foods I might not be a fan of, but I'll simply pick them off of my food and be fine with it. Or if it's a hidden ingredient, I'm cool with it.  That is NOT the case with mayonnaise. If I eat something and later am told it had mayonnaise, I feel very contaminated.  A lot of times I will check food packaging for ingredients. When I do this, it's usually about looking to make sure there's no mayonnaise.

3. I don't like ketchup. For some strange reason, Tim continues to forget this...even though we've been together 26 years.  Every so often, he'll offer me ketchup. But on balance, he's quite good at remembering I don't like mayonnaise.  

4. I don't like sandwiches with soft bread. I usually need my bread to be toasted. I especially don't like peanut butter on soft bread.  I don't like peanut butter on sandwiches. Though I do like peanut butter in candy or dessert sauces.  I'm more okay with the natural peanut butter than the very sticky overly processed peanut butter.  

5. I don't like water chestnuts (for vomit memory reasons). Though if they are big enough to take out of the food, I'm fine with it. It's just usually annoying, because when people put water chestnuts in something, they tend to put a lot of water chestnuts in.  Or maybe it just feels that way?

6. For the last fifteen years or so, I've had this issue where I randomly get nauseated in the midst of eating.  I'm not sure the cause. I don't think it's related to being full. I think it has to do with texture and temperature.  The foods that seem to be bring it on the most are foods that mix soft bread, mushy sauces, and cold vegetables.  

So...I shy away from most vegetarian sandwiches.

Leftover pizza has given me the feeling a few times, so I've avoided that the past several years. But recently I've started to eat it without any ill effects.  

The last time we were at Disney World, I got the feeling when eating at one of the Galaxy Edge restaurants. It was annoying, because I liked what I was eating.  But...I think the soft pitas caused the issue.  

I think autistic people are known for not liking foods touching each other. But...As long as the food doesn't include soft bread, I'm usually fine with foods touching each other.  I actually like clumping everything together.  

7. I like dried scrambled eggs and omelettes but stay clear of sunny side up eggs and hard boiled eggs.

8. Besides the cream cheese issue, I love most desserts.  I'm not always keen on pineapple, though. I like fresh pineapple and pineapple upside down cake. I resisted Dole Whips at first but now am okay with it (but prefer the other flavors).  I don't like canned pineapple...especially the very strong smell.  I also am not too pleased with pineapple flavored candy. It's not a strong enough aversion that I'd spit it out.  But once I know what color equals pineapple, I'll usually avoid that.  

9. I like frozen yogurt but do not like regular yogurt. I wish I did, because the flavors look so fun sometimes.  But the smell is yuck to me.

I've sometimes reluctantly tolerated yogurt mixed in with foods. Or maybe once I did this. I think at one of the Disney World food fairs.

I've also been okay with it in small quantities in smoothies/mango lassi.  

I also shy away from sour cream.

I think I might just be weary of any creamy white food.  Well...savory. Because I do liked whip cream and love white ice-cream.  White soft serve ice-cream might be one of my favorite foods.  

10. Until about four months ago, I labeled myself as a non-coffee drinker. I did like coffee candy...especially dark chocolate espresso beans.  And, at one point, I even started eating regular espresso beans that Tim had in the house.  But it was a big no to coffee-drinking and coffee ice-cream.

Then one day I had this idea that maybe I didn't like coffee mixed with milk. I decided to try black coffee. And now I'm a coffee drinker. I drink it daily. Fortunately for me, Tim is really big on making coffee and during our life together has bought all kinds of fun coffee gadgets that, until recently, I pretty much ignored.  We have an espresso machine, a cold press, and a French press.

What I think is that I have an aversion to creamy coffee because I associate it with a specific feeling/memory/idea.  It's like a mug on a desk of a GROWN UP filled with remnants of the drink.  And next to that drink is probably an ashtray filled with cigarette butts....maybe a bottle of Scotch?  I think it represents my childhood aversion to the adult world.

I could probably slowly get over that aversion and bring myself to like white coffee, but since black coffee is SO much healthier, I'm going to embrace my aversion and try to never get over it.  

Anyway....I've been thinking about picky eating in relation to autism.  I think autistic picky eating is associated with sensory issues, so I question whether most of my issues qualify as autistic picky eating.  

I do wonder, though....

Why are autistic people sensitive about certain things and not others?  Why are some sounds okay and other sounds not?  Why are some food textures fine but others are offensive? Why are some fabrics a yes and others are a big no?  

Could it be related to having strong memory associations?  And maybe autistic people have stronger associations than what's typical?  Or is it mostly a physical difference?  Like a difference in sense receptors?  

I did a quick (lazy) Google to see if there are any answers out there.   Nothing really jumps out at me. If you are an expert on this subject and know of any good research...please recommend!  And by expert, I don't mean you need to have a degree in it.  It could be one of your special interests....


"Mac" and Cheese is another food
I avoided during my childhood. Later
I grew to like it, but I much prefer homemade styles to
the boxed kind. Though I'm okay with the boxed kinds 
if it's not yellow and not the Kraft tubular shaped ones. Tim
made me the ones I don't like the other day. I talked myself 
into eating it, saying it's really not different from the ones
I do like. I forced myself to eat it, did not enjoy the experience,
and regretted  not listening to my picky self.  
The other thing about "mac" and cheese is I'm now weary
of it in restaurants since learning that some people use recipes 
involving mayonnaise!!


 

    

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-departed to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts  

A Score of 32

I took the Autism Quotient test again today.  This is probably the 4th or 5th time I've taken it.

Why did I take it today?  Because I finally understood how to answer one of the questions that I had trouble answering before.  The question is: I usually concentrate more on the whole picture rather than on the small details.

I wasn't sure until today.

We went on a little day trip. I had a great time taking photos; then I realized the photos provide me with an answer. I like taking photos of small details.  I mean it's not necessarily tiny details.  But I tend to take less photos of the BIG-BIG picture and more photos of the medium-small picture.


One of the photos I took today



I'm more likely to enjoy taking a photo like the one above than taking a photo of a whole building or street.  

Anyway...so I took the test again, and I got the same score I always seem to get. 32.  I think once I may have gotten a 33 or 34.

The reason I've taken the test multiple times is because it's hard to know if I'm answering a question correctly. 

Sometimes it's a matter of not really understanding the question. Sometimes, it's about not knowing myself well enough. Sometimes it's about feeling I might have cheated a bit...lied to myself in order to come out more autistic.  Sometimes it's about deciding that it's okay to not answer a question literally.  

In a few minutes, I'm going to now take the test two more times. There are two things I want to experiment with. The first is that I want to take the test pretending that I do not have aphantasia. There are two questions related to that. But I don't know if they're looking for aphantasia with the idea that aphantasia is more prevalent in autistics. OR...are they looking for hyperphantasia? Because I think that's also a trait more common in autistic people. And I think it may fit in more with stereotypes about autism.  

After that I want to retake the test by answering certain questions literally.  

So....

The two hyperphantasia questions are: 

if I try to imagine something, I find it very easy to create a picture in my mind.

And...

When I’m reading a story, I can easily imagine what the characters might look like. 

Maybe I'll actually do it twice.

With one I'll say definitely agree...so I'll pretend to have hyperphantasia; then the next I'll do slightly agree, pretending I have normal/average visualization skills.

Okay. I actually got a 29 doing it the hyperphantasia way.  So I guess they are looking more for aphantasia than hyperphantasia.

I also got a 29 doing it the neither hyperphantasia nor aphantasia way.

(AND I guess I also accidentally changed another one of my answers between taking the test before writing this post and taking the test during)

Now for answering the questions literally....

Below are the questions that I usually don't answer literally, because I feel I understand WHAT they're trying to ask, but they're not asking me in the way I need to be asked.  If that makes any sense.....

1. Other people frequently tell me that what I’ve said is impolite, even though I think it is polite.

If other people frequently told me that, wouldn't they be the rude ones?  

But to answer the question literally: Definitely not. I am not frequently told that I'm being impolite.  

I usually answer differently based on the stern/dirty looks I sometimes get, all my failed friendships, the fact that I'm often the less preferred person....

I think the main issue with the question is that it doesn't take into account who we're spending most of our time with.  Some people might be in social circles where people worry a lot about social norms, while others spend their time with people who worry less about that sort of thing.  

It also depends on what we see as being impolite.   

For me, if someone said to someone with cancer,  Don't worry. You're going to beat this!  I would see that as being rude. Because I'm against toxic positivity.  If that person was in my life, I might sometimes (or frequently) get on their case about their toxic positivity.  But if that person spent most of their time with other people who have sort of positive attitude, they might never/rarely be told that they're being impolite.

Okay....onto the next question.

2.  I notice patterns in things all the time.

I'm not sure how someone would be able to function while noticing patterns ALL the time.  I'm also not sure what hyperbole is doing in a psychology test.

I definitely do NOT notice patterns in things all the time.

That aside, it's one of the questions I often struggle with.

I'm not sure if I notice patterns more than what's typical.

I don't think I have any special strengths in noticing math type patterns.  Nor do I think I have special talent in noticing design patterns.

I do, though, tend to notice behavior type patterns or patterns in the universe...synchronocity type stuff. I'll notice that I saw two TV shows recently with a similar storyline or theme.  I notice things like I was born on the date that JFK died while JFK Jr died on Tim's birthday, and that my sister was born on the Gandhi's birthday while her husband was born on Gandhi's death day.

I notice I have a pattern of forming relationships with people who are very self-centered in conversation and are dismissive about and disinterested in my experiences.  

I also tend to explain things with analogies...which I think is a way of seeing patterns.  

3. People often tell me that I keep going on and on about the same thing. 

I usually answer definitely agree to this question with the understanding that what the test wants to know is whether or not I have special interests.

There probably is a difference between someone with special interests who knows how to accept a change of subject vs someone who will only engage in conversation about their special interest.  But that difference might not necessarily come from a person's level of autism.  It could be that one person has had more training/discipline.  For example, my parents strongly pushed the idea that we should ask the other person questions about themselves; that we shouldn't hog the conversation.  If someone else with special interests wasn't taught that, they might be more likely to go on and on about their special interest.

Autistic or not...I think there are many people who have not been taught that they shouldn't hog the conversation or make the conversation all about them.  

The other big factor is whether or not we have people in our life who are tolerant of our special interests.  Well...and that also can be divided into people intolerant of our specific special interest and people intolerant of us having special interests in the first place.

Someone might complain about us going on and on about gardening, but if we went on and on about The Walking Dead, they'd be cool with it.  

Then there are some who think ALL special interests are pathological.  Even among those people, though...they can be divided into those who complain to us directly and those who keep their dislike secret from us.

4. I like to carefully plan any activities I participate in.

Definitely not.  I do not make careful plans when going to the bathroom. I'm somewhat spontaneous about it....after quite a bit of procrastinating.

Well...I'm done.

By being literal, I got a 28.  

It's in the lower end of the same range as the range that has 32.  The website says: scores in the 26-32 range indicate some Autistic traits (Asperger's Syndrome).

I guess over 32 means you're very autistic then.  

Well...I just played around it and got a 33.  It then says, scores in the 33-50 range indicate significant Autistic traits (Autism).  Maybe I'm wrong, then, about once getting a 33-34.  I don't remember ever seeing that I'm significantly autistic.  I think with all tests I've taken (the AQ and others)...I've gotten answers in the mild range. 

Note: I don't think my experiment was fully valid, because I didn't save the answers I used before starting this post.  And, as I said, I tend to change my mind about how to answer the questions.

I feel there should have been a three point difference between my real answers and my taking the certain questions literally...rather than a four point difference.  Because I don't think I do plan a lot of activities.

Or maybe I do?

It could be that Dina-from-a-few hours ago sees things differently than Dina-Now.

I do sometimes love planning things.  But it's more about the fun of planning than needing to have plans.  It's kind of a conflict, actually.  I sometimes love planning trips in detail.  But then when I'm on a trip, having plans often stresses me out.  Or I should say...I'm enjoy myself less. I like to just be free and not be on any time constraints.  



How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-departed to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts 

When it Comes to Senses My Mind is Kind of Blank

For the most part, I've been watching Yo Samdy's Sam's autism videos in chronological order. Sometimes, though, I peek ahead. One day I saw she has a video about something called aphantasia. I found the word interesting, I guess.  Or the universe wanted to torment me....

I looked it up and learned the term refers to people who can't imagine things in their mind.

It would be nice to be one of those who read that and thinks, Wait! You mean some people can't visualize things? I can't even imagine!

No.

Instead I was one of those that thought, Wait. Holy shit. Do you mean that most people can see things in their mind?

Now it's really confusing. Because we can't know for sure what other people are visualizing...seeing...imagining. Maybe I'm underestimating my abilities. Maybe other people are overestimating theirs.

Things in my life, though, started making sense. Well, what I mean is that aphantasia could explain a few things...such as...

1. I remember my dad finding it cute/amusing when I told him I forgot what he looked like. I guess I was at camp?  He probably thought I was joking. But no. Sometimes I can't picture people in my mind.  If you name a random person in my life, I might be able to picture them. I might not. Sometimes I draw a complete blank.  

If I can picture someone, it's often of a specific memory of them in a photograph. For example, right now I can picture my dad in a particular old photo...probably from decades ago. I can barely picture Jack...my own son. I can't picture Tim.  

Now if I try again later, I might be able to picture some of them or all of them. 

My mind does not lack an ability to see images. I have vivid dreams. And when I am awake, random images...sometimes faces of people pop into my head. It's more like I can't do it on demand.  

2. Aphantasia could explain why I'm bored by scene descriptions in books. I usually skim over them. I'm usually like, who needs all these details?  But now I'm realizing...if you could read a book and actually get an image in your head, how magical that would be.

It also helps me understand why people push books over watching TV.  In the past, I've kind of thought. They're all stories. Who cares if you get the story from words on a page or actors on a screen?

3. I don't picture book characters in my mind.  Or at least I can't create an image based on a description. I do sometimes look at IMDb lists of books made into movies or that have at least begun casting, so I can imagine the characters.  But I'm not sure if I then actually see the characters OR if I'm more doing it out of curiosity.

4. The whole police sketch thing makes so much more sense to me now. I never could understand how someone could describe, in detail, a person they saw for a few traumatized moments. Even if it was not for a few moments....even if it was for many awful moments, I don't think I could do it.  Well, even if someone was sitting right in front of me, I'm not sure I'd have the right vocabulary.  That aside, though, I I wouldn't be able to hold a strong enough image in my head to describe them. I probably wouldn't be able to picture them at all, period. 

5. It now makes much more sense why my past life regression hypnosis experience was so disappointing. It seemed to me that for other people, it's like watching themselves in a movie...or feeling like you're actually there.  I just got very vague images or ideas. It was more like dull flashes. I mean not dull as in boring but dull as the opposite of vivid.  

When first learning about aphantasia, I  probably did overestimate the abilities of the average person. I started to think that other people had like some kind of super power where they could think of something and have it appear clearly in front of them.  Watching The Queen's Gambit set me straight. Because when Beth Harmon (Anya Taylor-Joy) sees the chess board on the ceiling of the orphanage, it seemed like this was being presented as quite an extraordinary ability.  

I guess the average person lies somewhere between what I can do and what Beth Harmon can do.  

Anyway.....

Aphantasia isn't always limited to sight. It can effect the other senses as well.

I am pretty sure I used to be able to imagine smells and tastes.

I say used to, because....

I was listening to the Imagineer Podcast about the best Disney smells.  They talked about a smell called Ocean Breeze.  I didn't remember it. I asked Jack about it, and he said he knew what they were talking about.  This made me come to the realization that not only could I not imagine or remember that smell, but I could also not remember other classic smells like the bromine.  Nor can I smell the orange blossoms in my head.

My mind has gone blank.

I started asking myself, could you EVER smell these things in your mind?  Maybe you never had the ability.  

Then I started realizing I can't really imagine tastes in my mind. And I'm almost positive I COULD do that in the past. Because this is how I'd know if I had a taste for a certain food. I could taste it in my mind and that would make me want it in real life.  

I don't think the taste memory thing is completely gone. I still can sometimes sort of imagine how something tastes. But it's been greatly reduced.

Why?

I don't know.

I also don't know when the ability began to fade.  

If anyone reading this is wondering if they might have aphantasia, there's a test you can take on this website. Or you might be curious about whether you have the opposite—hyperphantasia.  The test can't give us a perfect diagnosis, though. Because what one person thinks is a moderately realistic image, another might label it as dim and vague...

If you want to know more about aphantasia, the same website has an FAQ

I do have some self-pity for not having a super power...or even a power that most people have. Even if it's not at Beth Harmon's level, it does seem pretty magical. And I have even more self-pity for losing a power that I used to have.

But on balance, I've come to realize I have closed-eye hallucinations...which are really cool.  Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see random things. Sometimes I see what looks to be galaxies of stars spinning around. Other times I see what seems to be cartoon characters on fast forward. I saw some kind of chart a few weeks ago. It was moving so fast, I couldn't read it.  But it seemed kind of important. I mean it felt like I was chosen to receive super important information. That made me feel like I kind of had a super power.    

 
I can't really remember what this taste liked
or smelled like. But I know I liked it.


 

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-departed to talk to us via the Internet?   


The Dead are Online  a novel by Dina Roberts 



Zoe Jenson

On most days, I read one of my old blog posts.

Yeah. I spend a lot of time visiting with my past self.

Anyway....

Today I read my post on Australia's National Institute of Dramatic Arts, which I wrote in September 2014.

In the post, I look at some of the 2013 alumni, wondering which might end up being famous. 

I looked at the faces to find the ones I saw as the most appealing, interesting. I think I was trying to play casting director.

I chose an actress named Zoe Jenson. Today the name sounded familar to me. It took me about a half a second to realize she's one of the main characters in my novel The Dead are Online. Not only that, but I turned the novel into screenplays, and I was editing the screenplay with Zoe's character just about an hour ago.

I mean, really...I shouldn't have had any moments of...That name sounds familar. It should have been an immediate: Zoe Jenson!?  What a coincidence!

And what's more nuts is I had written the NIDA post only a few months after writing the novel. How did I not connect the two back then?

I guess past me is as clueless as present me.

And what about future me?

She'll probably start editing this post, see the title, and wonder....Zoe Jenson. That name sure sounds familar.  

Anyway, I can't fully know or understand the mind of my past self.  But I'm guessing, though, she assumed it was the face of Zoe Jenson that attracted her. It's more likely that it was her name.  













Labeling Myself as Autistic Should Be About....

 These are the things I hope to gain by labeling myself autistic.


1. Find like-minded people in terms of having special interests, sensory issues, awkwardness, etc.  Though that's not to say every autistic person is going to be more my type of person than a neurotypical one.  A so-called neurotypical fan of Coronation Street is going to be much more my type of person than an autistic person obsessed with cars or gardening. 

2. Have a pathway towards being more understanding and sympathetic towards my current self and past self. 

3. Have a pathway towards being more understanding and sympathetic towards other people whether they are autistic or not. Although I have be careful this one, because sometimes it leads me back to the path of excusing toxic behavior AND hating on myself instead of the person who is being toxic.  I don't want to get myself into the mode of Okay. Yeah. He's gaslighting me. But this is because blah, blah, blah...and it's really sad for him.  And why have I not been more tolerant. Is it because I'm a cruel, selfish person?  Blah blah, blah.

I'm talking more about not judging people for forgetting to do something they said they were going to do, interrupting a lot, not liking spicy food, only reading nonfiction.... That kind of stuff.   

4. Learn more about brainy stuff; learn new cool words like alexithymia and aphantasia.

5. Have a new set of vocabulary that explains aspects of my life such as special interests (which sounds better than obsession), hyperfocusing, info-dumping, stimming, etc.

6. Participate in advocacy that pushes the idea of autism is a difference and usually very cool rather than autism is a disease that needs to be cured, treated, overcome, etc. 

7. Embrace aspects of autistic behavior and culture that I highly value such as pursuing special interests; avoiding small talk and pushing for more engaging conversation; being honest and open; stimming, etc. 

8. Be okay with not wanting or not being able to do certain things...such as driving, wearing jeans, and often going to social gathering. BUT also be okay with not being okay with not being able to do certain things...and work on improving those things. For example, I've lost a lot of ability to multi-task, and I'd like to be able to gain some of that back.  

9. Love my autistic self but also be welcoming and accepting when I'm feeling unusually neurotypical. Yesterday I had a strong desire to stand outside with the neighbors to watch the fireworks together. I usually don't like hanging out with neighbors or watching fireworks. But yesterday I felt differently about all that. I embraced it and had a good time.    

And

This is what I want to NOT do or feel with labeling myself as autistic

1. Have an Us vs Them mentality when it comes to autistic vs neurotypical or neurodivergent vs. neurotypical or disabled vs abled.

2. Get the idea that people need to be more sympathetic and tolerant towards me because I have the label of autism...or even (someday) an official diagnosis. People should already be accepting of my quirks. Just as I should be accepting of theirs.

3. Worry that I'm not autistic enough. As in.... fretting that I like grocery stores and people playing with my hair (if they have clean hands!)...or like the other day when I felt shame, because I tried not having eye contact while talking to someone, and I realized that made me even more uncomfortable than eye contact.  

4. Get the idea that my sensitivities and challenges are more valid and important than those who do not label themselves as autistic AND/OR believe that getting an official diagnosis will especially make my sensitivities and challenges more valid and important.  

5. Change my (rather controversial) set of values and beliefs in pursuit of being more likely to be accepted by the popular people in the autistic community.  I want to embrace their teachings that I agree with, consider their teachings I'm not sure about, and reject their teachings that I disagree with.  

6. Use my autism as an excuse for why people randomly and mysteriously reject so I can feel less bad about myself....and avoid those borderline-personality-disorder-type-feelings.

No. Fuck that. Every time someone ghosts me, stops following me on Instagram, doesn't respond to my last message, fails to include me on something, etc.  I'm telling myself it's because they don't like autistic people.  As one of my MANY former friends once taught me. Sometimes delusions are good for our mental health.  


Cartoon version of one of my younger selves.
I was hyper-focused on that app a few weeks ago. 






How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-departed to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts