12/3/20
I've had many incredibly frustrating conversations with my parents about politics, racism, and Covid. And by frustrating, I mean I want to scream, pull my hair out, stress eat, and stress exercise.
I'm having these feelings now.
I'm going to try to deal with it by writing about it.
I actually wrote a whole screenplay to deal with feelings I've had regarding these conversations. Well, to be honest....I think most of my fiction writing is about me trying to deal with the relationship I have with my parents.
Anyway, let me get to the conversation.
I've asked multiple times to be left off of large group texts. My dad repeatedly adds me back on.
This morning he added me back to one. He wanted me to see his declaration about how Pharma gets disparaged by people and maybe now this will change, and we'll all realize how wonderful they are.
Then a bit later, literally within the same text, he said no politics and then ended that same text saying that he's glad the Democrats negativity towards the vaccine didn't interfere with research.
I mean what the fucking fuck?
I responded by sharing links to 3 articles and a screenshot showing that it's actually Republicans who are more likely to say they're not up to taking the vaccine.
My mom responds that she doesn't trust polls.
I responded to this by saying that since my parents don't trust polls and fact-checking websites like Snopes, can they please name eight sources that they trust...doesn't have to be 100% trust but maybe like 90%. I said it could be TV programs, newspapers, friends, websites, etc.
My suspicion was that they wouldn't be able to name any source, because what they do is trust sources when the those sources say things that they agree with and distrust the same source when the information provided doesn't match up with their viewpoint.
Now I'm not talking about opinion-pieces. We all need to be free-thinkers, and we certainly should not feel obligated to agree with any one person's opinion all of the time or most of the time. But when it comes to actual facts and reporting, I think it's important to be have sources we can consistently rely on for information. Otherwise, we're going to fall into the trap of confirmation bias.
Anyway, I predicted correctly.
They did not name one source they trusted.
Instead my mom did a little speech in which she said she agrees with Democrats when it comes to wearing masks, and she agrees with Republicans when it comes to opening up the economy.
Then my mom went on the attack. She asked if I agree with everything from the Washington Post and the New York Times. And no, that's not the attack part. But then she asked if I think half the people in this country are deplorables just because they didn't vote for Hillary.
I answered this in a vague way by saying I believe most of what I read in the news section, and I agree a lot of what is said in the editorial section.
I'll be more precise here and say no I don't think all people who didn't vote for Hillary are deplorables. But I do think all people still supporting Trump are deplorables. And that might be putting it kindly.
Anyway, then I attacked back by asking if they thought it was okay to call Democrats Libtards and to say they want to see Liberals cry.
I asked if they thought it was okay to call Biden a Socialist even though he's known to be a moderate.
I asked if it's okay to say that people who dislike Trump are mentally ill with Trump Derangement Disorder.
I asked if it's okay to accuse Liberals of cancel culture but then say you're not going to watch Fox anymore, because they said something anti-Trump.
My mom said she's never heard of any of those expressions. This is coming from someone who boasts about listening to both sides. So how has she managed to hear stories about the insults that Democrats throw on Republicans but not the reverse? Well, I guess it's like my dad hearing the horror stories of Antifa but having willful ignorance when it comes to Qanon, Proud Boys, and other right wing extremists.
Speaking of my dad, he responded by saying he's going to quit the politics now. He never wanted to get into it. And added a guilt trip: I guess I can't even thank the vaccine researchers. I will keep that to myself.
This is not the first time my dad has used....is it emotional blackmail? I'm not sure of the term. But he tries to make us feel guilty by threatening not to share information or his opinion in the future.
I reminded him that I had asked not to be added back to group texts. So if he didn't want to hear my opinions, why did he add me back on?
And I reminded him of his hypocritical text that I had responded to in the first place:
No politics please! And the good news is that in spite of many Democrats and Democratic politicians saying they would not trust a vaccine approved under a Trump administration, I don't think these politics slowed it down. Thank God!
What the fuck?????
Really, what my dad means with his no politics is, let me share my politics, and you may respond but only if you respond in sycophant fashion.
And it's like this gaslighting/Darvo game, where my dad tries to twist the narrative to one in which he simply created this text stream to sing the praises of pharmaceutical companies, and I jumped in with politics.
P.S-My dad himself has used the term Trump Derangement Disorder in family group texts. So I'm not sure how my mom managed to never hear of the term.
12/4/20
I've decided to make this page an ongoing thing. So I'll try to update when I have these frustrating conversations with my parents.
So my dad texted me today privately to show me what he had texted to the rest of the family. One of the things he said (to the family; then copied to me) is that he didn't want to debate. Nor did he want to be censored. The rest of the text was saying that he did research and found that it's the Democrats fault for making the UK, and not the US, first in getting the vaccine approved. He asked me to fact check that for him.
I responded by saying if he doesn't want a debate and he doesn't want to be censored, then the conversation ends here.
I said it's fine to ask not to debate when it comes to personal things. Like saying, I no longer want to drink skim milk. I don't want to debate this.
People should be able to talk about personal things and not be confronted with a debate about it.
I said that should not apply to politics and other controversial subjects. I said what my dad is saying is, I don't want you to censor ME, but I do want you to censor yourselves.
My dad tried to gaslight this even though his damn statement could be found by just scrolling up like two centimeters. He claimed what he said was that he didn't expect a debate. And he said that he would love a debate.
I tried to show him that he did NOT say he didn't expect a debate. But I'm learning...even with evidence, it's impossible to argue with my dad about his gaslighting.
Okay....so then I asked him to show me the article or editorial in which he found the info about the Democrats being to blame for slowing down the vaccine development.
He gave me an article from The New York Times. There was nothing in it about the Democrats being to blame. And he also sent me a copy of what he had said to my two very Democratic aunts.
So it seems that was his research. My two aunts.
This was similar to the time that my sister shared something with my family about news regarding transgender rights.
My dad went on a rant about how the media has just dropped racial justice and Covid 19, inferring (or maybe he said directly...can't remember) that these issues must not be truly important to the left. I asked him what media he's talking about...kept digging, and it ended up he was going by what his left-wing Facebook friends were talking about that day. So, his Facebook friends equal the media.
Anyway...so yesterday my parents played innocent and ignorant when it came to terms like Trump Derangement Syndrome and Libtards. Today my dad used TDS in his argument. He asked if a Democrat would have done better with Covid and said any answer given besides no or I don't know is due to TDS.
Note: He did NOT learn TDS from my argument yesterday. He has used it before in the past during family text discussions.
I responded by saying that only a deplorable would use the term TDS in a political discussion.
My dad started complaining about Obama's response to H1N1. I remarked that he passionately defends Trump for 260,000 + deaths and yet he criticizes Obama for a disease that caused around 13,000 deaths.
I sent him a fact check article regarding that.
My dad pivoted to the Obama administration leaving the Trump administration high and dry when it comes to pandemics. I sent him this fact checking article and this one as well.
He claimed to have read it and then went on a rant about fact-checkers, saying that he hopes the media and tech industry will put the same effort into the Biden administration.
And here's what I said to that: I hope so too. But I hope in their research, they find much less lies. And I hope Democrats stand by research and truth and get angry at the lies and not the fact checkers. I hope Democrats will fight with each other, and if we are ever faced with a Trump of our own, I hope we will have the courage of the Lincoln Project and other Republicans who put country over party.
Okay, full disclosure. I actually said Republicans who our country over party. Just an annoying typo. Or auto-correct.
Another aspect of the conversation was this repetitive narrative my dad has about Trump's problem being that he's rude and obnoxious. In this particular conversation, my dad said, The curtain has been opened by sometimes Trump's clumsy and unpresidential conduct and words.
Never mind about the numerous sexual assault allegations, the controversies with Russia and the Ukraine, the making money off of the presidency, and the numerous other scandals...including the current one of undermining the election with false claims of massive fraud.
This minimizing of Trump's faults is very similar to how he tried to minimize the problems I had with DFW neurology when I tried to get a diagnosis for my myoclonus.
My dad boiled it down to my having a problem with the doctor having a disagreeable disposition.
I actually LIKED the doctor's personality when I had my first appointment with her. My dad would know this if he spent effort listening and attempting to understand. But no. It's just another tool in his toolbox of making other people's mountains into molehills.
Getting back to Trump,
What's funny is that Jack and I have talked about how we wouldn't mind a decent president who has some of Trump's unpresidential qualities.
No, I don't want someone who gaslights or downplays deadly pandemics.
But would I mind someone who Tweets a little too often and, to a reasonable degree, Tweets what's on his mind?
No. I think it would be fun.
Would I mind a president who posts Tweets before proofreading?
No. Not really.
Well...thinking about it....if my dad's definition of disagreeable dispositions and unpresidential involves gaslighting, excessive boasting, preoccupation with gratitude, DARVO, throwing people under the bus, demanding sycophant behavior, etc.
Then yeah. We can say one of my main problems with Trump is his personality.
12/5/20
Nothing has happened today. Yet. But I want to go over what happened later yesterday (after I had finished updating this post).
My dad left the conversation for awhile after saying he had to go. Then later he came back and brought up Governor Newson eating at the French Laundry. He told me the media didn't cover it, because it didn't fit with their narrative.
I said they must have covered it at least a little bit, because I had heard about it. Although I did wonder if he might be right. It could have been that the media kept quiet about it, but the information was passed along on Twitter.
I checked the media.
I found and sent him links to eight articles/editorials about Newson's hypocritical behavior. I won't post them all here. But here are a few: From CNN, from The New York Times, and from The Washington Post.
How did he respond to that?
He didn't.
He ignored it completely.
I think he needs to believe that the media is the enemy—that the problems we're experiencing are not from Donald Trump but from the media's mistreatment of Donald Trump.
My dad's next text was another long rant about the Democrats and the vaccines.
I gave up at this point and simply said responded with, Interesting!!
If only I had the strength and wisdom to always respond in such a way.
1/10/21
If anyone from the future has found this page and is actually reading, of course you're probably wondering how my parents reacted to the assault on the U.S Capitol.
So here's a rundown.
My dad sends an email to all the adults in the family...children, in-laws, and grandchildren.
He condemns what happens and Trump's part in it.
In the email, he talks about how it's not the time for him to criticize the Democrats, the media, big tech, etc. But that was just his "clever" way of doing exactly that.
He talks about how he still supports the Republican mindset and hopes that we can respect that just as he has always respected our Democratic views.
Yeah...uh...sure he has.
He said he supports using the 25th amendment against Trump and hopes Republicans will vote for conviction in impeachment. He said if they don't, he will feel a little less proud of being a Republican.
When I read his email, I was far from impressed. I wanted apologies and regret. I wanted, You guys were right about Trump all along. I'm sorry I ever used the term Trump Derangement Syndrome.
Now I'm realizing that email was as generous as we'd ever get....and the sentiments wouldn't be long-lasting.
My response to the initial email was as short as possible. I wrote something like Okay. I hear you. Love, Dina.
The next day I sent an article from the Washington Post saying it was unlikely many Republicans would support impeachment.
My dad didn't express disappointment in Republicans. Instead he talked about how the Democrats will have to decide whether to pursue the impeachment...take 20 days of time when the country is suffering from a pandemic.
I do kind of agree with this, unfortunately. BUT where was my dad complaining about wasting pandemic time when Trump was playing golf or Trump was fighting his imagined election fraud?
And let me add that I do see major downfalls in NOT impeaching.
Okay...but back to my dad. He went from I support impeachment to inferring the Democrats are hurting our country if they pursue the impeachment.
I noted that it seems he had changed his mind since the email.
He got very defensive and insisted that he had not changed his mind.
It's like, I totally support getting a puppy, and I will be disappointed if we don't. Then the next day: I think the puppy will pee all over the floor and tear up our furniture. It will keep us up all night. It will cut into our budget.
So you changed your mind about the puppy?
No! I did not say that! I never said that. I was very clear about my viewpoint on puppies.
Okay. Now you could argue that the guy WANTS a puppy. He's just listing some of the drawbacks to balance out the positives.
This isn't what happened with my dad.
When I mentioned the risk of Trump still getting security briefs if he's not impeached, this sparked rants from my dad about how Pelosi overstepped with the nuclear/defense stuff. He made suggestions that Republicans could impeach her if they weren't on the defensive right now.
My dad said Trump isn't into causing wars and instead he's known for bringing soldiers home.
I said Trump has tried to instigate conflicts with other countries on Twitter.
My mom demanded to know when.
I Googled and found articles about Iran and Korea. I gave them the links.
My dad tried to end the conversation. He said they were going to go and watch the news...and they would hear from BOTH sides. He said he suggested that I listen to both sides.
Here I lost my cool a bit and said, If they listened to both of their daughters along with listening to both sides, they would know we listen to both sides. But If believing otherwise gives them the moral high ground...okay.
Then my dad gave a better indication to what he was referring to.
He said he will not send him articles from things like the New York Post and Fox news as long as I stop sending things from Washington Post, New York Times, CNN, etc.
I said fine but also no Wall Street Journal. Although I then added that I actually liked seeing where he gets his news from, because this is another way for me to see the other side. But I'll follow his rules.
Seriously. It's like....We listen to both sides! and then: Please don't send us any articles from the other side.
My mom then jumped in and said we shouldn't talk about politics. She said you should talk about things like pets and the weather. I'd like to think her use of the pronoun YOU was meaningless. But I doubt it was.
No, I'm not the one who starts all or most of the political discussions. But in their imagination...that's probably very much the case.
I said I agreed with her. I added that this includes saying things like, I'm not being political but.....
This is what my dad tends to do.
So for now we have a no-politics rule. My dad said that people may forget, and we'd have to remind them. I suggested that to avoid shaming people, we simply change the subject with a pet photo.
I'd like to believe that we never have a political fight again in our family...that we'll go through the next several years never mentioning politics. We'll talk about dogs, cats, snow, vacations, etc.
BUT...this is what I predict will happen.
A) My dad will say something politically triggering. He'll make a snide remark about China...or Covid...or use a death in the news to push his political views.
B) My sister and I will post a photo of a dog.
C) My dad will say something like "I wasn't being political".
D) We will make further attempts to change the subject.
E) Other Trump supporters will join in to defend my dad's side.
F) My parents will complain that they had to spend 4 years listening to us complain about Trump and now that Biden is president, they're being silenced (Even though it was my mom who suggested the no politics rule).
G) I will show them a picture of the text conversation that shows them agreeing to no politics.
H) My dad will respond that he wasn't talking about politics. He just wanted to share his opinion. He'll complain that he can't say anything these days without us attacking him. He'll vow to shut up for now on and says that instead of talking to us, he'll respond only with cute emojis. And since it's obvious we don't want to hear from him, he's going to stop sending us those very important confidential documents he's been generous to share with us these past few years.
I'll let you know if when this happens.
Note: I just went back and reread and re-proofread the older stuff. I saw that I had never made updates regarding my parent's opinion about election fraud. I'm not going to go into great detail about that. I'll just say my parents had been quiet about it. So finally, I decided to confront them and ask them about it. My Dad told me he wasn't being conspiratorial BUT....and then asked all these questions. Basically, how did a man like Biden end up getting more votes than Obama and Hillary? How in the world could that ever happen? And how did Biden win if Trump got even more votes in 2020 than he did in 2016. They talked about how it was very suspicious.
I tried to gently explain higher voter turn-out and the fact that anti-Trumpism was a big motivator. I don't think anything I said went through their thick skulls.
My mom was upset, because she had lost trust in mail in voting (I wonder why!) and had decided to vote in person. She filled out a provisional ballot; then later learned it wasn't counted. She felt they should have told her something was wrong with the ballot. I expressed sympathy and agreement with her sentiment that they should have contacted her. I didn't feel it was evidence of widespread election fraud but did understand why that would be unsettling for her.
Later I read something on social media about how more Democratic than Republicans votes were saved from being scrapped, because Democrats made a strong point of pushing people to check their ballots.
So then I stopped siding with my mom with the idea that they should have contacted her. It was her responsibility. I mean I haven't said this to my mom...and probably never will bring it up...because of the new no politics rule.
Oh! I just thought of something. Our county is usually red and looked like it would be red in this election. Then we narrowly turned blue (Just Biden-wise). I'm betting my mom didn't worry about her vote until she saw we had turned blue.
Well...
the obedience to the no political-discussion lasted three months.
Wait. Did I say months? I meant days.
No, actually I mean hours.
Three hours.
This is how it went
In a separate text conversation, our zealous Trump-supporting brother-in-law broke his silence in a family text stream by posting a GIF of Biden looking ridiculous.
My sister was annoyed and sent it to me. I defended him a little saying that he didn't know the rule and that I didn't expect my parents would explain the new rule to him. I predicted they would stay silent until one of us on the left broke the rule. I also said that out of fairness I just wanted to warn her that if she broke the rule, I would be posting a picture of my cat, and I expected her to do the same to me. I'm going to try NOT to be one-sided like my parents.
My sister texted my parents and pointed out our brother-in-law's GIF. Now my dad could have simply said, Oh. Yes. I will share the rule with him.
But no. Instead he went on a multi-paragraph rant. He said he may have made a mistake yesterday by "thoughtfully" sharing his views in an email.
He then said he "respected" our simple email responses. He did NOT like my questioning him on his opinions in the morning. He said it was "unnecessarily combative".
So in other words...what he's saying, and it's a message we've gotten before: I want you to listen to MY opinions. I don't want to hear your opinions. I don't want to be challenged.
Then my sister asked about the rules. Can we talk about things like Covid. My dad said yes and repeated something he has said multiple times. The vaccine should be given to healthcare, people over 65, and over 18 with comorbidity. He said this is not political. It's science.
I think he's either incredibly ignorant. Or he's pretending not to understand how politicalized science has become lately. He's pretending not to understand why other people believe the vaccine should first go to essential workers, people who have been putting their life on the line for the last several months.
1/12/21
My sister accidentally broke the no politics rule. She meant to ask Tim and me a question about Trump but instead posted it to a text including my parents.
She quickly said it was a mistake. We all did our thing of posting animal photos. We also tried hard to change the subject to Schitt's Creek and other TV shows.
My dad could not resist, though. I won't judge him too much for not being able have self-control, since my sister (accidentally) started the whole thing. I will judge him, though, for what he texted. He went on a rant about 75 million people being made to feel guilty for the violence they condemned, and he mentioned a "Conservative purge".
Okay.
The thing is, I am pretty sure my dad spoke out in the past against radicalized Islam. NOT just the terrorists who commit violence but the people and ideas that push some Muslims to be violent.
And all this so-called condemning of violence from Trump-supporters? It becomes very weak when Trump supporters and/or Republicans act much more outraged about businesses no longer giving Trump and Trumpism a platform.
Well, awhile later...my brother-in-law warned against Trump putting us all under martial law. He's been a strong Trump supporter but rumor has it, this is no longer the case.
My BIL advised us to go get groceries. AKA-Go and panic buy.
My mom said we need someone to calm both sides down.
My dad said it sounds like "conspiratorial crap". He said if it's from the left, Twitter, Google, or Facebook can shut it down. If it's from the right, it's not a problem, because they are already shut down.
He's apparently ignorant to other online sites that Trump supporters use. Which...might be a good thing.
But....the main theme I'm seeing from my Dad's rants today is that the conservatives are being censored.
Now in the past, he was very outraged when Twitter simply marked Trump's Tweets with fact-checking. My mom and dad both made dramatic announcements that they were leaving Twitter. I didn't even know my dad was ever on Twitter. And I knew my mom started an account, but she rarely used it.
At one point, I asked if they were going to leave Facebook. They gave the excuse that they use that just to keep up with family. Okay. But if you're going to leave one site on principle...shouldn't you do the same for the other site?
The thing is, it was easy for them to leave Twitter, because they never really used it in the first place. But I think they are pretty active on Facebook.
With Facebook permanently banning Trump, I wonder if they will change their mind. If they do leave, I think it will be less about wanting to be fair in their outrage and boycotting...and more for the fact that, their left-leaning Facebook friends might become more vocal in their anti-Trumpism. It might end up as a hostile environment for them.
Oh...just as a note: I fact checked what my BIL warned us against, and it seems my dad is (hopefully) correct. Just conspiracy stuff. THOUGH it's along the lines of Trump not having the legal right to do such things. But that doesn't discount him still trying to do it.
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