Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is very often disregarded.

We disregard the abuse we hear happening to others.

We disregard the abuse that happens to us.

We disregard the abuse that we inflict on others.

One of the reasons for this disregarding is that many see it as being less sinister and dangerous than physical and/or sexual abuse.

We share what has happened to us. We get a little sympathy but then are asked.  Were you ever hit? Anything sexual? Just want to make sure.

Does the same happen in reverse?  If someone is sexually assaulted, do we then make sure they weren't also psychologically abused?  

No. I don't think so.

The underlying message is that physical and sexual abuse is what matters. Or at least it matters much more.

Then there is another reason that emotional abuse is disregarded. We think of it in only extreme forms. 

We picture a mother screaming at her child. You're worthless. You're stupid. I hate you! I wish you were never born! You ruined my life! 

She locks her kid in the dark attic.

She kills the child's kitten in front of him.

Often, though, emotional abuse happens in much more subtle forms.

The parent might not yell that the child is stupid. She might say it in a jovial voice or a quiet exasperated voice. But it's said enough, that the child feels shamed.

He might use invalidation to make the child feel her feelings are incorrect and don't matter. 

Stop crying. Come on! It's not that bad.

You're too sensitive.

It's not too spicy. Stop complaining. 

You're such a drama queen. 

He might use gaslighting when a child is angry about something the parent did.

That never happened.

It's horrible that you make up these lies about Daddy.

You're exaggerating.

She will make molehills out of mountains whether these are happy mountains for the child or scary/sad mountains.  It's not reassurance or grounding. It's belittling.

There might be betrayals and a lack of privacy. The child's private diaries might be read. Stuff told to the parent in assumed confidence might be widely shared.

The child might be given too many adult-level responsibilities. Their chores outweigh the love and attention they receive.

They might be expected to comfort the parent during the parent's emotional turmoil. This is not an oops-oh-no-I-cried-in-front-of-my-child moment. This is the parent expecting their child to be one of their main shoulders to cry on.

The child might be used as a confidante—given adult secrets to carry as their burden. Although the parent might present it as a special gift. You're the most special to me, so I'm going to share this with you. Just you.   

The parent might delight in seeing their child afraid. They will do things to terrify their child; not silly scares where screams quickly turn to giggles but things that make the child cry and tremble; things that cause longterm anxiety and bad dreams.

They will know their child's personal sensitivities and push the buttons. But they might not do it with an obvious look of menace.  They might have only a subtle smirk. Or they might paste on a look of innocence.  I had no idea she was sensitive about that!  Jesus!

Emotional abuse can be subtle and therefore easily ignored and easily missed.

We might wonder if we've experienced it. We might begin to think we have and then be pushed, internally or externally, to downplay or deny it.

We might be left confused. 

Was I really treated wrong?

Or is there something wrong with me?  Maybe my parents are okay, and I'm the one that's a problem.

Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

We become conditioned to make molehills out of our OWN mountains.

When we are feeling this confusion and self-doubt, I think there are things to ask ourselves to figure out whether or not we've been emotionally abused.

First of all, If that person hurt our feelings whether intentionally or unintentionally, do we feel we can go to the person, share our feelings and then everything will be much better?

OR do we dread and/or avoid confronting them because we expect to be gaslit or invalidated?

Or do we worry our grievances to be turned into a joke that will repeatedly used against us. Do we expect things to get worse with confrontation?

If the answer is yes to the questions above, I'd say yes there was/is emotional abuse.  

If the feelings are pervasive and not just applied to the abuser; then I'd say the abuse was so pervasive in our life that we have been conditioned to be weary of people in general.

The second question is whether we feel extreme emotional independence...not by some beautiful nurtured inner strength but by a lonely necessity.  

If we feel the only person we can turn to, and fully depend on, during a personal crisis is our own self; then yes, I would say we endured a lot of abuse.