Thursday, March 10, 2016

Relationship Endings, Bitchiness, Depression, and Remembering Forgotten Things

1. Started watching an episode of Home and Away.

2. Finished watching the episode.

3. Started watching an episode of Agony Uncles.

This episode is about breaking up.

How do you know someone is cheating on you?

How do you know if someone has fallen out of love with you?

How do you know when you're the one that's fallen out of love?

It's a lot of depressing stuff.

4. Thought that Waleed Aly had interesting things to say about breaking up.

He thinks you should be a jerk, because then it's easier for your ex to get over you.

It kind of makes sense.

I broke up with my college boyfriend. First of all, it took me about six weeks to be brave enough to tell him it was over.  It was over in my heart way before he knew about it.

I was gentle and sweet, because I'm a nice person, and I don't like seeing people sad.

We kept in touch. He clung to me in various ways. I gave him mixed messages.

I'm sure I messed with his head.

5. Thought that being too nice is the result of A) Being intolerant of sadness B) Wanting to be the good guy in the story.

Waleed Aly says, That's what chivalry is—the life of a knight, being despised when you've really done someone a favor.

It's like Snape.

Sometimes it's the villain that's the true hero. And sometimes it's the nice person that causes a lot of heartbreak and psychological torture.

6. Didn't think I'm always very nice. Sometimes I can be a bitch.

I'm not sure I've done anyone a favor with my bitchiness...well, unless you count myself.  I'm pretty sure I've done my mental health a favor by being a bitch.  And no, I don't mean in a cathartic sense.  It's more like I've stood up for myself, or  I've taken steps back from troublesome relationships.

The bitchiness is usually hard for me. It's not always hard for me to deliver. Actually, I can be quite good at it. But I'm not good at not feeling guilty about it later. This is good and bad. The good is it keeps me from being a total bitch. The bad is, it sometimes makes me back down.  I go back to allowing myself to be treated unfairly.

7. Remembered that sometimes my bitchiness is not about standing up for myself or taking steps back from troublesome relationships.  Sometimes it's just about being in a bad mood.

8. Thought it could be possible that, sometime in my life, my bad mood did someone a favor. I could have been a bitch when I didn't need to be a bitch, and somehow that improved someone's life.

9. Wondered if anyone's bad mood ever changed me for the better? Or has someone's noble bitchiness changed my life for the better?

10. Decide if anyone's bitching at me has made me grow it would be Jack.  He can be pretty wise at times.

11. Remembered that saying about being cruel to be kind.

Sometimes bitchiness can be a kindness. Rarely is that kindness realized right away. Sometimes it might take us years to be thankful.

Often bitchiness is not helpful and therefore never seen as a kindness. Sometimes it's because the person bitching is giving unhelpful, ridiculous, and manipulative advice. Other times, the advice is brilliant, but the other person is not at the point where they can comprehend and use the advice.

12. Experienced bitchiness from my AI algebra teacher. He just told me I was wrong. The answer was nine, not eleven.

Well...EXCUSE ME for living.

Actually, I must be honest. He's quite gentle when I make mistakes.

13. Watched the guys talk about the heartache of being dumped.

I've never really been dumped.

I've had that kind of heartache, though.

It was when I was in high school. I made all these friends with ghosts via a ouija board. They became my best friends. I had this elaborate, fantastic social life.  I felt loved. I felt important. I felt special. Then it ended up, that my younger sister was the one who had been making the triangle thing move. My friends were all figments of her imagination.

I was totally heartbroken. I remember REALLY wanting to die.

I felt incredibly alone.

But I got through it. So it gives me faith that most other people can get through similar experiences.

You just have to slowly pick up the pieces. Find a reason to live. Find new friends. Find reasons to be happy again.

14. Felt tempted to say that my situation was worse, because I received less sympathy. It's one thing to tell people you were dumped. It's another thing to admit to people that you lost all your best friends, because they never actually existed.

But I think people in breakups sometimes fail to receive sympathy too. There's a lot of, Well, she was a bitch, anyway. You're better off without him.  There are other fish in the sea. Don't be a misery guts.  

Well, I say if you can't give sympathy from anyone else, give it to yourself. Cry. Lie in bed all day. Write poetry. Write a novel about it.  Paint paintings of darkness. Have fantasies of revenge.....

Do all that for a week, a month, maybe many months. Then get up, get on with your life, and pat yourself on the back for surviving.

If you can't eventually manage to get yourself to be okay; then maybe, at a certain point, it's time for professional help. I don't always have a lot of faith that the professionals will actually help, but it might be safer than doing nothing.

15. Remembered a day last year that I was quite depressed. I felt awful about life and awful about myself. I was mad, sad, and full of blah and dread.  Then I went on a roller coaster and felt totally okay afterward.

Is that weird?

It makes me wonder if adrenalin is somehow helpful in the treatment of depression. I'm not an expert on the biochemistry of psychology. And my problems and depression were minor compared to what other people go through. I can't imagine that major clinical depression is going to be cured with one roller coaster ride.

The thing is, I'm not a big fan of psychiatric drugs. I know they're probably necessary for certain people at certain times.  But if there are alternatives, I think it's good to try them.

Maybe it's not a bad idea for dumped people to get on a roller coaster. Maybe it would prevent them from spiraling into major depression.

16. Agreed with the men on the show who say when you're dumped, don't show your ex your sadness and desperation.

Yes, it's okay to be sad!  It's okay to be depressed. Just hide that from the person who dumped you. Don't try to win them back with sadness and desperation.  Don't beg them to come back to you.

17. Remembered that I HAVE been dumped before.

It wasn't a romance.  It was a sixth grade friendship. My best friend dumped me. Though it wasn't in a cruel-but-kind direct way. There was nothing official. She was just suddenly very busy all the time and was always quick to get off the phone.

My mom ended up having to get me professional help. So I guess my reaction was pretty worrisome.

18. Remembered that I've also been dumped in a romantic relationship! Why have I forgotten all these things?

We were never officially dating, so it wasn't an official break up.  But there was a we-need-to-just-be-friends speech.

It took me awhile to get over him, but I don't think I ever got depressed or desperate. I think I moved on with my life—found new people to crush on. But I still carried a bit of a torch. For quite some time.

19. Thought about other unofficial relationships where I was rejected. These are things that pretty much ended before they even started.

They were painful but not terribly heartbreaking.

20. Perplexed.

The last episode of Agony Uncles is about what happens after the break-up—being single again.   That's fine, I guess.  It's just that the the first episode was about being single. How is being single going to be different from being single again?

21. Wondered if I'd prefer the last episode to be about having children and/or growing old together.

Yes, some relationships end, but others go on. The show could have talked about the good and bad of long-lasting relationships.

22. Thought my idea might not work, because most of the guys are young, and I'm not sure if many of them are in long term relationships. I know Waleed Aly is, but he's quite young.

It might have been nice to have an older man, on the show—one who's been with the same man or woman for several decades.

23. Thought the show is more about meeting and losing partners than keeping partners.

24. Decided that meeting, losing, and keeping partners all have their challenges.

Love and romance can be painful and difficult at times.

There are good bits and there are bad bits.

There are wonderful bits and there are horrible bits.

It's like algebra. Sometimes I think math is one of the most fun and magical things in the world. Other times, it makes me want to scream in frustration.

25. Decided math and relationships are also kind of the opposite. Math concepts are difficult when you first meet them. Then when you understand them, they become fun and easy.  Relationships are often full of rainbows and unicorns when they first begin. They as they get older, the rose-colored glasses come off, and things get more difficult.