Friday, December 2, 2011

Not Australia, Me, Me, and Me

1. Wanted to blab on and on about something because I need to figure it out.  And I want my feelings to be heard.

It might be a mess because I don't know how to put my thoughts in order.

I'll start with.....

I felt this week that someone had been horribly manipulative with me. I decided to read about that on the internet—get some wisdom.  I found articles that gave me that feeling, Holy shit! Someone knows how I feel.  And it also made me realize that I deal with highly manipulative behaviors on a fairly regular basis.  
I think that's one of the reasons I've become so guarded, paranoid, nervous, and distrustful.  

Now EVERYONE is a little manipulative.  I'm sure the only way not to be manipulative is to become a zombie or pod person.

But some people are very manipulative, and that's a hard thing to deal with.  

On the scale of manipulativeness, I think I'm pretty low. The reason is, I'm very honest.

I think the opposite of manipulativeness IS honesty. And manipulative people will take advantage of your honesty.  By being honest, you give the manipulative person another thing to use against you.

2. Had no idea of how to segway into the next thing.

I guess I'll say that while thinking about other people's manipulative behaviors, I was also forced to think of my own.

Because although I'm not very manipulative; I'm human and sometimes resort to manipulative behaviors.  I know I've been doing it on my blog here and there.  One of the times was the other day.  I talked about something personal and then deleted it. Then I mentioned that I deleted it. I wanted people to be bothered that I did that. I wanted people to be curious. What did she say! Why did she delete it?

I didn't just do it to be manipulative, though.  I did it because I've been feeling very insecure about all this personal stuff that I'm writing on this blog. Again and again I say I have the right to blab on and on about myself.   I DO have that right. I know that. I know tons of other people have personal blogs.  I have the right to have one too.

But this little part of me says otherwise. And that little part of me is very LOUD sometimes.

She's a bitch.

3. Was about to give reasons why I feel insecure about sharing my personal feelings. But from what I learned today in my manipulation readings, THAT'S manipulative too.

Yes, people have done things and not done things that led to me having these insecurities.  But in the end, it is my responsibility to get over it.

4. Thought about my eating disorder and whether or not that was manipulative.

This is what I think. The initial one was NOT.  It was about needing control, and it was about wanting to be thin. It was about wanting attention, yes.  But I didn't want attention for being sick. I wanted attention for looking awesome.

The relapses and threats of relapses—that's a whole other story.

Whenever I feel tempted to lose a ton of weight again, my main motivation now is to make people feel guilty for not worrying enough about me.  

I think recognizing this and admitting it is very helpful to me. Maybe? I hope so.

Then I can go back to eating my Tim Tams.   

5. Wanted to get back to the personal stuff thing.

I will admit that the real question I was asking in the poll to the right is, Is it okay if I talk about personal stuff? Or am I boring you guys to death? 

It's all oozing with insecurities.

Did I know that when I started the poll?  Maybe...sort of.   Not exactly.

I  definitely knew when I started getting the answers, because the main thing I wanted to know is if people checked off the personal box stuff or not.

The thing is this blog is not about Australia.  It's about me and my relationship with Australia, and it's also about me and other stuff.

It's not a factual blog.  It's not an entertainment blog. It's a personal blog. And sometimes there are facts. And I hope it's sometimes entertaining.

Well, actually I hope it's OFTEN entertaining.

6. Wanted to say that one of the reasons I feel insecure about my blog is that I don't get a lot of feedback.  I wish I could be strong enough to overcome that. Maybe it will happen someday. But instead, for now, maybe you guys could talk back to me more?

I know I have comments disabled.  For those who don't know, the reason I disabled those is because I wasn't getting enough comments. Or I'd have posts where I'd pour my heart out about things.  People would respond to the factual things in my post, but they wouldn't take the time to say, Hey, sorry you're feeling like crap. I hope you feel better.

I wanted people to say things like, Sorry you broke your toe and I'm glad you're having fun in Hawaii.

They didn't. Finally I had enough of feeling ignored and got rid of commenting.

It was stupid, I guess. I thought by getting rid of comments I'd stop hoping for people to talk to me.  But I still had the Facebook Page, and I still hoped for emails.

Maybe I will go back to having comments, but probably not.  Because once I got rid of comments for my crazy reason, I realized it was nice not to have comments for many other reasons.

But anyway.....

I WOULD appreciate hearing from people. No worries if you're shy or an infrequent lurker.  But if you come here a lot, and you're not shy, please talk to me.  Email me. If you don't have the time or courage to do that, I put up the little check box thing at the bottom of the blog posts.You can reassure me that I'm weird, entertaining, or brilliant.   Maybe I should change that, though, because I also put "boring".  Why am I inviting people to insult me?  

Yeah, so I put those up a few days ago thinking it would be an easy way for people to respond.   It's so EASY to just check the little thing.   But I think only two people have utilized the little widget.   And one of those people was me.   

After I post this, I'll change the choices of the check off thing.

As for email, I don't like blabbing on about myself outside this blog. So you don't have to worry that you're email is going to result in you having to be my psychologist or shoulder to cry on.

I will appreciate you writing though and saying things like,  Have a nice Thanksgiving or I'm sorry you've been sad lately.  Or I hope you had a nice Birthday.  

Short and sweet is nice. I'll be short and sweet back.   

Out of the several people who read my blog, a very small number of people have reached out to let me know that they care. I hope they understand that I really appreciate that.

7. Wondered if it was manipulative to ask people to reach out more.

Is it?

I don't know.

I want to say no...well, because I don't want to be manipulative. I want to be innocent, honest, and wonderful.

But also, isn't it not manipulative to speak up about your needs in an honest way?  

8. Wanted to say that I don't need or want people to email me after every post. That would be tiresome for all of us. I would get stressed. You would get stressed. We'd all go insane.

But if people could email me when I talk about very difficult things or very exciting happy things, that would be great. I guess what I'm saying is I'd appreciate support on my very good days and my very bad days.

Or if people don't want to email me, they can fill out the little check box thing at the bottom of the post.

I'm trying to decide what to put there.......  

9. Went to proofread this post and saw that what I wrote in #6 totally contradicts what I wrote in #3.

It's embarrassing.  But I'm keeping it.

10. Figured out what I want to put in the check boxes, but it probably won't fit.

I'll try.....

11. Posted this, but then realized I had more to say.

First of all, I was able to fit what I wanted to fit into the check box thing.  So that's cool.  One of them has you calling me weird (if you want).  Please note I don't mean it as an insult.


I was feeling guilty about asking people to do this for me.   Do my readers owe me anything?   No.  Not exactly.

But here's my plea.  I do a lot of work for this blog. I put a lot of time into it.   I put a lot of energy into it. I don't get paid, well at least not beyond the small bit I got for advertising on the sidebar.

For the most part though.....

I don't get paid in money and that's fine. But I would at least like to be paid in attention.

I love Australia, and I think I'll love it no matter what.   I'm not sure the same goes for blogging.   I don't get much out of writing, when I feel people aren't listening and/or being responsive enough.   I don't like feeling that I'm talking to a wall.

I think I'd rather be doing something else, like read novels, play Monopoly Wii, and watch The Walking Dead barn scene obsessively and repeatedly.  

Did you guys see that, by the way?  The Walking Dead?   I think it was one of the most shocking and powerful scenes I've ever seen on television.

Well, there you go.  I'm being manipulative.  I'm trying to manipulate all of you into becoming Walking Dead fans. 

But maybe that kind of manipulation is okay.  Writing...all art some ways is manipulative.  We're trying to influence people.  We try to get people to notice things. We try to get people to open up their hearts and minds about things.  

Maybe manipulation is only bad when its goal is to:  

A) get people to do what they really don't want to do.

B) Avoid facing responsibility for one's mistakes.

C) Twisting the situation so you can make the hurt person feel they're the bad one and you're the victim.  

I hope I'm not doing A by asking you guys to be more responsive.

If you really don't want to respond, that's okay.   I'll be okay. I won't jump out my window or anything.  I may think bad thoughts about you; but no worries. I don't have a voodoo doll or anything. You're safe.