Way back in 2012, I wrote a blog post about one of my biggest pet peeves: Conversational narcissism. This is where someone tends to make the conversation all about themselves.
I didn't just complain about it in this one blog post. Through the years, I've complained about it on my blog on many occasions.
I have often felt that I tended to end up in situations where people wanted one sided conversations; that they wanted me to play the role of free-therapist, free-cheerleader, the wind beneath their wings, etc.
But I've come across a confusing thing during my period of autistic self-discovery and diagnosis.
In multiple comment conversations and Instagram posts, I've seen other autistic people say that they tend to converse by bringing the subject back to themselves. They say that the way they relate and respond is to listen and then talk about the same thing happening to them.
And sometimes there's even this idea that to complain about it (as I've done)...well, this is ableism.
I've been quite confused.
First of all, it added to my imposter syndrome. If this is an autistic trait, and I not only do it but am greatly annoyed by it, could that mean I am NOT autistic?
Well, no. It's not likely. It could be that it's a slightly or greatly common trait but not universal. Or it could be that it was a trait that I had but then overcome because of social training. I do know my parents were very adamant that we ask questions to the other person we were with...that we show interest.
Although...now that I'm thinking about it. Maybe they pushed that lessons, BECAUSE they saw me as being self-centered in conversations.
I think, though, that it's probably more likely the fact that it's not a greatly universal autistic trait.
And just to note: No trait is universal to autistic people. But some are more common that others.
Well...now onto the second thing.
This is not at all scientific. But among the autistic community I've experienced, either as a participant or an observer, I have NOT seen conversational narcissism.
The first time I saw autistic people discussing the behavior—confessing to it, excusing it, etc....was in a chat or commenting conversation on Yo Samdy Sam's YouTube channel.
But then through out the summer, I watched most of her videos and read most of the social interactions.
The majority of the people in these conversations are either autistic or in the process of suspecting/wondering if they are autistic.
To me, they seemed much LESS one-sided in their conversations. They seemed more compassionate, more interactive, and more interested in what the other people were saying. They seemed more interested in connecting with others than clinging to a spotlight.
I've had one on one texting conversations with a few autistic people. Not one of them has given me that old feeling of...that they just want me to be the listener.
I feel the conversations are even and fair. I'm interested in their lives, and they seem interested in mine.
To add to the confusion...I think of some of the people I have most seen as conversational narcissists. These are the ones who talk on and on about themselves. They rarely ask questions. They look bored when I talk.
Some of these people have traits that make me think they might be actually autistic. For example, they might have special interests, sensory issues, some autistic comorbidities.... (that being said, I tend to see autism in EVERYBODY lately, so when I say I think someone is autistic, it should be taken with a huge grain of salt).
One thing I'm thinking is that some of the conversational narcissism I've experienced is actually my own fault. I say this, because I have had a tendency to respond with someone's seemingly self-centeredness, or disinterest in what I'm saying, by shutting down. I go quiet. I stop talking about myself. I give up on them. I become fake and take on the role of their (secretly very disgruntled) wind beneath their wings.
There have been a few times, though, that I came out of my hiding place and did talk about myself...and sometimes these seemingly self-centered or disinterested people have been very responsive. They've showed interest in what I'm saying and compassion.
I think I need to work harder on distinguishing between awkward conversationalists and narcissistic conversationalists.
If someone doesn't act interested in what I'm saying, it doesn't necessarily mean they are NOT interested. It could be they don't know how to respond. Or they forgot to respond. Or they thought they responded, but it turns out they responded only in their head.
If someone usually responds to my stories by seemingly ignoring what I said and instead telling me about how something similar happened to them, I don't have to take this as a sign to shut up about myself. But I also don't need to take the energy to come up with supportive and compassionate words for their story. I can assume this is their way of conversing, and I can adapt by responding to their stories with my stories.
I'm not going to be more tolerant of everything, though.
I'm not going to tolerate any form of invalidation.
It's one thing responding with one person's experience with a tale of your own experience. It's a whole other thing when we send the message that the other person's experience wasn't as bad as they believe or wasn't as exciting.....or just, in general, that they don't have the right to feel what they are feeling about the experience or that they are silly and boring to even to want to talk about any of it.
For an example.
Here's a conversation that's tolerable to me.
Person A: I heard an owl in my backyard last night. It was so cool.
Person B: Oh! I once went to the zoo and got to hold an owl. I love them.
Here's a conversation that is not tolerable to me.
Person A: I heard an owl in my backyard last night. It was so cool.
Person B: Oh. That's nothing. Really. What's so exciting about that? I once got to hold an owl. Now THAT is something to be excited about.
And here is the type of conversation that I personally feel would be the best (above tolerable).
Person A: I heard an owl in my backyard last night. It was so cool.
Person B: Oh! That is so awesome! I know you love birds! I don't know if I told you this before, but I once got to hold an owl. That was an amazing experience.
My invented conversations reminded me of these uncomfortable moments where someone is talking about something. I try to share the fact that I have this interest or issue in common with them. But they're not seeming to catch on. I'm not sure if this is due to awkwardness on their part, being temporarily too distracted, or if they are being self-centered.
And thinking back to the people who usually acted self-centered in conversations but occasionally were good listeners when I shared....I can't automatically assume that they were actually awkward rather than self-centered. It could be that they were usually truly self-centered but had a lapse into better behavior. Or they used to be self-centered and had experienced some character growth. Or maybe they were still self-centered but certain subjects pertaining to other people WERE interesting to them.
It could be like: No, I'm not interested in your dog or your dance classes. But I'm really into true crime, so if you get kidnapped by a serial killer...I'm gonna become a great listener for you. I'll be hanging on to your every word.
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| A random photo of a floor because I feel obligated to have a photo to make my blog look prettier and I can't find a photo appropriate to the subject. And I'm realizing now that one of the main things reducing my desire to write posts is this obligation to find an appropriate photo for the post. |
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