Saturday, October 9, 2010

I Know and I Don't Know

We have a fantastic balcony at our hotel. It's big enough for a whole table and four chairs. We have a perfect view of the ocean, beach, and other hotels. The wireless connection works only outside, so we sit here to use the internet. It's VERY nice.

Anyway, I love it during the day.  But at night it scares me. I'm scared I'm going to walk out in the middle of the night and jump off the balcony. Why?  Because I have lucid dreams in which I think Hey, I'm dreaming so it's perfectly fine for me to jump. I'll fly!!!

I'm nervous that I'll get confused one night, and THINK I'm dreaming when I'm not. People will think, wow we had no idea Dina was that depressed.  There were no signs of suicide.  But then they'll start reading into stuff I've done lately, and imagine there were signs. I hate to be misinterpreted. And I also am not fond of the idea of being dead.

I'm guessing it's HIGHLY unlikely I'll ever get confused enough to mistake my real life for a dream.   I'm probably safe. But still....I get a little bit nervous.

So I was thinking of this ridiculous fear last night. And then I started thinking of how I've become a little uneasy about big mammals...bears, lions, tigers, and stuff like that.  They didn't bother me much in the past. I mean I don't think I'd want to see one hanging out in my backyard....obviously. Okay, but the other day we talked about visiting the Central Park Zoo when we go to NYC, and the thought of seeing the Polar Bears made me feel a bit uneasy.   

I've been having weird dreams the past year or so about big mammals. I'm pretty sure my fear is coming FROM my dreams, rather than the other way around.

Then I thought of how this WHOLE thing began. My Australian obsession began with dreaming excessively about Julian McMahon. I sometimes am disturbed (and amused) by the idea that it could all be a simple matter of me having an immature attraction to an actor, dreaming about him, and then doing a basic displacement thing.

But last night I started believing more in the other possibility. I think I became interested in McMahon BECAUSE I was dreaming about him. The dreams led to the interest. And then that led to a total Australia obsession.

It's happened before to me, but to a much smaller degree.  It's usually something like.... I watch a TV show or read a book. I'll feel fairly indifferent to it. Then I'll have a cool dream about it, and I'll develop an attraction. For example, I read one of the Vampire Diary books. I thought it was okay, nothing too special.  Then I dreamed about it. And now when I think of the series, I get this kind of fun eerie feeling. That dream also involved The Who's Tommy, so now I'll probably forever associate those two things in my mind.  

But The Vampire Diaries is nothing compared to the Australian thing. I haven't even bothered to read more books in the series. Maybe if I kept dreaming about it?    One dream is enough to give me a cool weird feeling. Maybe multiple dreams leads me to being obsessed.

And sometimes bad dreams turns me against something....like big cats. Hell I used to LOVE lions.   My old email address was elsa22. I got Elsa from the lioness in Born Free. I still like lions a little.   But they also give me an uneasy feeling when I think about them. 

A few years ago, I used to take long walks with Jack to the park. We met this nanny from Africa.    We became sort of friends....talking at the park....you know, that kind of thing.    I was fond of her.   But then one night, I had an AWFUL dream about her. It totally gave me the creeps. She was evil in the dream....creepy evil. Like something out of The Ring.  One bad dream gave me a very bad feeling about someone I had previously liked.     

Who knows....

Was the dream a warning?   Did my subconscious pick up on something evil that my conscious did not?  Was something out there trying to warn me? Or did I have a random dream that wrongly turned me against someone?

A part of me is thinking....she DID say something that offended me one time. Maybe that stuck in my head, and it turned into a wicked dream of evilness. But then a lot of people say stuff that offends me.   I'm offended pretty easily.

So I DO believe now that my dreams can influence my life...what my interests are, what I like, and what I don't like.  But I still don't know WHY my dreams happen. Is there a reason behind it all?

Why am I obsessed with Australia?  Why did I have the dreams that led me to being obsessed?  

People ask me why I love Australia. I hate the question because I don't have an easy and sane answer.   


Oh...I was about to end this post eat lunch. But I remembered something else I wanted to say. While we're on the subject of weirdness.... A few days ago, I wrote about my dream of Tracey having a baby.  So last night, I was checking my Blackberry before bed. There was a Facebook notification thing. I had left a message on Tracey's stepson's wall. Then Tracey wrote a comment on that telling me she had dreamed I was pregnant, and she came over to help deliver the baby. I was a tiny bit freaked out, but thought....obviously she read my blog post and was making a joke about that.

In the morning, Tracey left another message. She had just gone to visit my blog, and had seen my dream about the baby. She hadn't being playing a trick on me. It was all a VERY weird coincidence.

So two friends dream of each other having a baby. What the hell does that mean?  To me, it's definitely weird.  It seems spectacular and spiritual.   It seems important.  But I have no idea what to make of it.  All I can think is that Tracey is a better friend than me.   She was nice enough to come over and be there for the birth.   All I did was call two days after the fact; and I had wanted to just email. I'm damn ashamed of myself for that.