Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Endings, Leaving, Ideas, and the Dean Family

1. Reactivated my Facebook account.  I started getting overly worried about people not getting my I'm-not-rejecting you message.  SO....I asked my sister if she got the message, and she said no.

I'm sure most people won't even notice I'm gone.   But there are a few people I feel a connection to, and the only way we talk IS through Facebook.  I hate to imagine them thinking I've taken them off my friend's list and then blocked them.

I reactivated and it's frighteningly easy to do so.   I'll stay up for a few days so people can see the message. Then I'll leave.

2. Annoyed so much by Facebook that I couldn't handle keeping it up for even a few more days.   I deactivated again.

3.  Thought about how the last two days have had so many endings for me.

We canceled our Australia trip.  I jumped off the Facebook ship.   Jack suddenly decided he's probably had enough of our stuffed animal game.  The Sing Off had their season 3 finale.   The Walking Dead had their mid-season finale.   

I was feeling a little lost and sad‚—all these endings at once. I had to remind myself of that saying, When God closes a door, he opens a window.

Technically God didn't close the door.  I closed two of the doors.  Jack closed a door.  Network executives closed the others.  

I also closed the door on wanting my family to visit my blog.  I always had this huge wish that they'd come here, read about me, try to understand me more, appreciate my writing.

But they didn't...

Well, they did visit.   But their visits were very rare, except for my brother-in-law.  His visits were more frequent.   

Today my sister offered once again to try to visit more.   I told her not to.  I realized I'm past that point.  Now I LIKE the idea of having a place where I can talk about things and not worry that my sister or parents are going to pop in, out of nowhere, and be shocked about something I've said.  

Besides my sister, I haven't told the others not to come.  They might jump in on rare occasions...hopefully not on days that I'm bitching about them. 

I figure if I tell them not to come, they'll come.  Or they'll want to come.  It's that whole reverse psychology thing.   I already feel guilty about laying it on my sister.  Hopefully, she's too busy with her baby and toddler to suddenly feel curious.

I took the link off my email.  They'll no longer get the daily link via their Facebook. There's not much to prompt them to visit...not that they often gave into the prompts before.

4. Decided I'm probably fine if Tim reads it, but I'm also fine if he doesn't.  Maybe?  I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it at this point.

5. Finished reading The World Beneath.    It was very good.  The eating disorder thing is actually a pretty small part of it.   Mainly the story is a surviving-the-wilderness type thing.   It's also about the Franklin dam protests.

6. Found an old dream about Australia.  This one is from October 8, 2007.

My mom says bad things about Australia. It annoys me. So I say bad things about Israel. I think of telling her that I'm going to have to move to Australia--just to get away from her saying bad things about Australia.

The dream sort of ended up coming true. I did end up wanting to move to Australia, or maybe I already did at this point, before even visiting.

My mom was not happy with my love for Australia, and not happy about me wanting to move there.  
7. Started to read Syrup by Maxx Berry.   So far it's very entertaining.

In one part the protagonist talks about ideas.  He says he's heard that everyone has had at least three million-dollar ideas a year.  They could make us rich.   BUT....

He says,  Ideas are cheap.  What's unique is the conviction to follow through: to work at it until it pays off.  That's what separates the person who thinks 'I wonder why they can't just make shampoo and conditioner in one?' from the one who thinks 'Now, should I get the Mercedes or another BMW'.

Sadly, I recognize myself in that scenario.  I'm often coming up with ideas.  Some of them would maybe make us rich.   But I'm not good at following through.   It's really because I have no idea how, and I'm totally lost when it comes to the business world.

When it came to ideas for writing, I followed that through. I'd come up with an idea for a novel or screenplay.  I'd write it. I had the perseverance for that.

Well, I had the perseverance for the writing part.   I didn't really work too hard on getting anything sold, produced or published.   But again...that's the business side of it.  

Tim has the business knowledge and abilities to pursue things.  The problem is he's not interested in my ideas.  He worked with his own idea.  He worked with his sister's idea.  He worked with two guys who did video and web work.   None of it panned out.  So I whine at him, every so often, to give MY idea a chance.

A part of me thinks, He's my husband.  He should help me, especially since it MIGHT be successful and we could end up with a lot of money.  Maybe.  Plus I don't think the start up costs would be overly expensive.  

Another part of me thinks, That's bullshit.   If you really believe in your idea, get your ass working and figure out a way to do it yourself.  

I don't know which part of me is right.

I vote for the first one. Then I can let Tim do the work and I'll do my blogging.

No, I would do some of the work.  I'd do the creative stuff.   I'd have Tim deal with stuff like wholesale Tax ID stuff,  business meetings, marketing, manufacturing, etc.

8.  Continued to read Journals of Two Expeditions of Discovery in North-Western and Western Australia.   

It's less boring than I expected.

I'm enjoying it.

9. Saw that Bindi Irwin is going to have a new TV show.  It's a children's game show, and it will be on the ABC in Australia.

Maybe one day it will come to America too.  

10. Went to Tallygarunga.

Today I'm going to be reading one of the international stories.  It takes place in The United States.

It's called Crawl Home

The characters in it are Marilyn Dean and Frankie Dean.

I'm assuming that Marilyn is related to Frankie—probably his sister?

11. Started to read.

The story is happening on the morning of November 28.

Marilyn isn't a happy camper. She's lost someone close to her.

She's in the hospital.

I'm getting that she tried to commit suicide and her parents covered all that up for the press.  They're playing it as she's sick and accidentally injured her arm.

12. Learned that it's Dave that Marilyn is missing, and he died from a drug-related thing.

13. LOVED this line from Marilyn's post.   No one really cared what happened to her anymore so why did they have to keep her here? Oh right. Because she was a Dean, she needed to act the part...

Well, actually now that I've read it again....I don't love it.   I love the sentiment, but I'm not sure if it's said right.  I'm guessing the basic idea is Marilyn feels used.  Her family doesn't really love her.  They love the idea of her and the idea of having a presentable family. Suicide attempts don't work well with preserving the image of the perfect family.

I think her family DOES care what happens to her.  But Marilyn feels that they care for the wrong reasons.   They're keeping her alive, not because they enjoy her company, but because what would the tabloids say?

14. Started to read Frankie's post.

He's visiting Santa Monica.  He's cold because it's winter.

Actually, it's autumn.

I'm being picky today.

I should just get out my red marker.

15. Saw that Frankie is visiting his sister.  That must be Marilyn?

16. Learned that Frankie traveled to California via Floo Powder.

I wonder if that's more pleasant than flying.

17. Saw that Marilyn is angry at Frankie.   She doesn't trust that he's there because he cares.  She feels he's like the rest of his family.  He's there to protect his image.  He's there so he can look like the caring brother.

I have sympathy for Marilyn.  I have sometimes felt the same way.

This is a bad analogy, but I felt that way when I wanted us to move to Australia.  And no I'm not trying to compare moving to Australia to committing suicide.  They're just similar in the fact that both involve an exit.  One, of course, is very much more permanent and dramatic.

My parents were VERY much against us moving or even thinking of moving. It got to the point where they were antagonistic towards Australia in general.

I didn't feel they wanted me to stay because I'm adorable, irresistible, and such a pleasure to be around.  Often I feel I'm the thorn on their side.

I did feel they truly adored Jack and Tim.  They would miss them, and if I moved to Australia, I'd be dragging Tim and Jack with me.  I'd be taking something huge away from my parents and sisters.  

Besides that....

I think my parents love the fact that their three daughters and families have opted to all live in Texas.   They love that we're all together.   Closeness of family is extremely important to them.   To break away from that...I think if any of us did that, it would make them feel rejected.  And it would make them feel like they've failed in some way.

Are my perceptions accurate?   Who knows?   It's not something people would admit to. so I can't be guaranteed in being right.   I could be totally wrong.   Maybe my family finds me absolutely intriguing and entertaining.   Maybe I have low self-esteem and I'm projecting negative feelings about myself towards my family.

I do feel my family likes me more lately.  I just have to follow certain rules.  Smile a lot.   Laugh a lot.   Act very supportive.  Rarely talk about myself.  Don't admit that I'm mad or offended by anything.  Don't talk about my problems.   If I do all that, we all get along fairly well.

18. Went back to reading the story.  It's very intriguing.  Marilyn had this relationship with Dave.  But no one knew about it.  He insisted she keep it a secret.   Why?

So Marilyn is mourning and no one knows she's mourning.  I think that's hard...not that grief is ever easy.

It makes me think of the rule of not telling people you're pregnant until you're three months along.   That way if tragedy occurs, you don't have to tell people you've lost the baby. They'll never even know you had a baby.

But then what if you're really sad and people don't understand why you're sad?

Or then again, maybe it's less sad if you don't have to explain to friends, relatives, and Facebook acquaintances that your baby has died.  And you won't have people asking you cheerful questions in which you have to provide depressing answers.

19. Learned that Dave was Frankie's best friend.  

20. Started to read the biography of Marilyn Dean.

Her face claim is Chloe Moretz.  Moretz was the vampire in the American version of Let Me In.  

21. Saw that Marilyn is a pureblood witch.  She's a fourth year student in an American school.

22. Learned that Marilyn is a tomboy and disappoints her mother by rejecting frilly girly stuff.

23. Learned that Marilyn doesn't like her name. She insists on being called Ro.

I don't like my birth name.   I wonder.   Is it really a matter of disliking the sound of the name.   Or is it some type of rebellion and rejection?

My birth name (Adina) though is much more similar to Dina than Ro is to Marilyn.  

My mom named my sister Melissa because she liked the name Missy. From as far back as I remember, Melissa refused to be called Missy.

One of my young nieces chose a new middle name for herself and insisted that name be on her birthday cake.  Her parents were nice enough to oblige.

24. Learned that Ro likes to surf, and she also plays a variety of instruments.

I admire all that.

25. Felt very sad for Ro when I read this:  She refuses to let many people close enough to feel the need to be dependent however and it seems each person she lets get this close breaks her heart. Those people would be: her mother, her brother Frankie, and Dave. Her mother abandoned her for a new daughter, Frankie left her here when she needed him most, and Dave OD'd when he was all she had left.

She seems to have things in common with Améa.  Maybe they could find each other and be friends.

They'd probably end up breaking each other's hearts, though. 

That's how life goes.

26. Started to read Ro's history.

She's the youngest child in the celebrity wizarding family.

Her parents got divorced. I probably read about that when I read about Frankie.  But I can't say I remember much.

27.  Saw that Ro was discarded by her mother when she got a stepdaughter.  I wonder if I did read about before.  It sounds familiar to me.   Was it talked about in Frankie's bio?   Or is there another Tally character with a similar situation?  

28. Glanced at Frankie's biography.   The mother discarding her daughter for the stepdaughter is mentioned.  

It's sad. The stepdaughter fulfilled Ro's mother's desire for a more feminine and frilly daughter.

I don't think there's anything wrong with loving children besides your own biological children.    And sometimes we might be happy to find something in another child that's lacking in our own children.

For example, I would be excited to find a child that's a bookworm, because Jack isn't one.    In the same way, Jack may find other adults to love, and some of them may provide things that I don't.  Jack might appreciate that.

I think it's only a problem when a child is made to feel rejected and unwanted—not preferred. 

If it's a stepchild situation, maybe the unstep child shouldn't feel preferred.  Maybe the idea should be that they're loved equally.  I don't know?  I guess it depends on the situation.

Outside of that though, I want Jack to know that even though I love other children; he's DEFINITELY my favorite.   I would never want him to imagine I prefer another child.  

29. Excited about my fake trip to Australia.

We're going to arrive in Sydney on January 10.

We're definitely flying first class.

30.  Saw that my Australian of the day is Paulus Arek.   The reason his name looks unusual to me is he was from Papua New Guinea. I'm not that familiar with Papua New Guinea names.

31. Saw that Paulus Arek died on my birthday, the year after I was born.

He was born in December 1929.

32.  Learned that Arek's father was a missionary school teacher.

Arek became a teacher as well.  He also became headmaster.  This all happened on the Manus Islands.

At one point, Arek got himself in trouble.  He was exiled and had to switch islands.  But later he was allowed back.

33. Saw that Arek got involved with politics.

34. Saw that Arek never moved to Australia.

Lord Wiki is reminding me that Papua New Guinea used to be the Territory of New Guinea, and it belonged to Australia.  So I guess that's how Arek got his biography in the Australian Dictionary of Biography.  

35. Started to look at Fredweng's sixth day in Australia Flickr set.  

It looks like he went to Port Arthur.

36.  Thought this was a beautiful photo.  

37. Reminded of The World Beneath when I saw fog and mountains in this picture.  

38. Liked this photo of Port Arthur.

39. Wondered if Fredweng knows this man.   Or did he just sneak a photo of a stranger?  

I like taking photos of strangers.   What I usually do is just have them in the background of photos that I take of Jack and Tim.  The reason I do this?  I think it's because of story I heard in college.

Kirsty and Bill were both from Northern California.  They lived not far from each other, but didn't meet until they both ended up at college in Tennessee.   They became friends and started dating.    I forgot the exact story.  But it was something like they were looking at photo albums, and either Kirsty or Bill saw their parents, in the background of a photo, in the other's photo album.  

I think that's so cool.   What if one day Jack's future spouse is looking at our old photos and she says Hey, that's my aunt right there!  

There's another reason I have strangers in my photos.   If you're in a crowded place, it's hard not too.   For example, Disney World.   I'm not sure how you get a photo WITHOUT strangers.  

40. Reminded of Lost when I saw this photo.   As soon as I saw it, I thought of the lighthouse where Jack could see his childhood home.   I'm not sure why. Did it even look like what's in this photo?  

41. Found a picture of the lighthouse.    It does look a little like what's in FredWeng's picture.   In both pictures there are lots of spaces/windows to look out onto the landscape.

It's hard to explain.

42. Saw that Fredweng stayed at Swansea Cottage.  Or at least he took photos of it.

So far, he's stayed at hostels.   Maybe he decided to splurge a bit.

43. Played stuffed animals with Jack.

This shows that sometimes when God closes a door, the same door quickly opens again.   

Or we could call it changing-our-mind.

I'm glad it's the stuffed animal door that reopened and not the Facebook one.   I really don't want to go back to Facebook.

Anyway, what happened is that when announcing the end of stuffed animals, we had forgotten that Jack had used some of our Amazon gift certificate to buy more stuffed animals.

Seeing the new stuffed animals made Jack want to play again.

One of the newbies is another koala.  Jack named it Bondi.  Now we have Manly, Woolloomooloo, and Bondi.  I'm in charge of all their voices.   I think I do a fair job of portraying Australian children.    I'm not so good at doing three distinct Australian children's voices.   The three koalas sound a bit alike.

44. Excited about Jack's new blog.   The problem is I'm not sure he's that excited about it.

I've been pushing him to do it for the last few weeks.   Then his uncle suggested the same thing.   He sat down with Jack and got him to actually start the blog.   The first post promised a blog post on Tuesday.  I made sure that Jack went through on that promise.

The question is, will he write another one?   The other question is should I push him to write more?  Or will that make him more reluctant?

Maybe I'll simply provide encouragement every so often.

45. Went to Funtrivia to take another Australia quiz.

Today I'm going to take a quiz about Australia flags.  

46. Got question #1 wrong and learned the Victoria flag has a crown on it.

Lord Wiki says the crown is St. Edward's crown.   It's used for coronation stuff.

47. Got question #7 wrong and learned the Royal Australian Airforce flag has a kangaroo on it. 

Lord Wiki has a photo.  

48. Got question #10 wrong and learned the Cocos Island flag has a palm tree in a yellow circle.

49. Finished the quiz.  My score was 7/10.   The average is 6/10.   So I did good again.

I'm proud of myself.