Friday, July 6, 2012

Billie Proudman

(Offspring spoiler alert if you are not up to season 3 episode 12)

Have I mentioned that I love Billie Proudman?

I don't have a girl crush right now.  But if I did, I think it would be on her.

Maybe she illustrates my idealistic image of the perfect sister or best friend.  

You don't have to tell her something's wrong.  She knows right away.

She knew Nina was (possibly) pregnant by just seeing her breasts.

Billie Proudman is very intuitive, almost to the point of being psychic.

I like that.

I love her honesty.

I love that she admits things other people would hide.

In the beginning of season 3, she admitted to being jealous of Nina being in the spotlight.   She felt guilty about these feelings because Nina was in the spotlight for something quite dramatic and stressful.  Still, I thought Billie was very brave for admitting these feelings.

In the most recent episode, as I mentioned, Billie guessed that Nina might be pregnant.

Billie has wanted her own pregnancy. She's been quite passionate about this wish. Unfortunately, she and her man have fertility issues.

Billie's younger brother got a baby. Now her sister might be pregnant.

Billie is saddened and angered by the news. She says it's unfair.  Then she rushes out.  A few moments later she comes back in.  Crying, she tells Nina she would want to be there for her—be supportive.  But she can't.

It was so honest, and I totally loved Billie for that.

I think it's better than people who deny their feelings, but act grumpy and/or passive-aggressive.  

I think about how it would go down in my family....with one of my sisters.

I would sense her anger and jealousy, but wouldn't be sure if it was my imagination or not.  She'd just have that look. It's the one where she's a smiling pot with water that's overly close to boiling over.  

I'd be bothered by her attitude, but would keep my feelings and suspicions hidden...probably for weeks or months.

Then she'd say something, something that would make me strongly suspect I had been right all along.   She HAS been upset, angry, jealous...whatever.

I'd get offended and mad.

I wouldn't be like Billie.  I wouldn't be upfront and vocal about my feelings.  I'd just be very grumpy.  A part of me would be hoping for a confrontation so we could get things out in the open, but another part of me would understand that there's no point in any of it.

My sister would finally email me to ask what's wrong.

I'd tell her what she said offended me, and I'd explain that her attitude has been offending me for quite awhile.

I'd finally be open and honest with delusional hope that she'd be open and honest back.

She wouldn't be.

First she would scold me for keeping my feelings hidden for so long.   Why didn't I tell her sooner that I was bothered by all this?

Then she would deny all negative feelings.  No, she hasn't been angry.  No, she's not against what I imagine she's against. No, she never judges me.

In other words.  Nothing is wrong. It's all in my head.

Although she would be sure to let me know that if there IS something wrong, it's my fault. I haven't been a good enough sister to her.

I have overly high expectations. That's one thing.

Also....

I haven't given her enough guidance.

I haven't given her enough praise.  

She'd mention all these things I've done in the last few years that have made her feel bad.   This would include the idea that I bottle things up rather than sitting her down to discuss things like a wise teacher to a student.  I'd find it sadly funny that she doesn't see the irony in that.  

I want to ask her,  if you're into having such openness, why didn't you tell me all this stuff before?

But I don't.

I know after all these years that it's fruitless.

I understand by now that when some people complain about your method of complaining, what they're really complaining about is your complaining...period.

They don't want honesty.

They don't want to know that you're angry.

They don't want to know that you're jealous.

They don't want to know that you feel left out or rejected.  

In the end, it's not about how you're feeling.  It's about how you're acting.

So I put aside the drama and the fighting.

I act jovial.

I act friendly and sisterly.

I act helpful.

I play my part well, and for the most part, I enjoy it.   I end up becoming what I was pretending to be.

All is well until I see someone like Billie Proudman.

Then I wish for more.

But then again, Nina's not like Billie.   She's not as upfront and honest.   She's more like my sister—a pot that's about to boil over and explode.

Despite all this, Billie still manages to be my illustration of an ideal sister.

She's not like me.  She doesn't crawl into her shell.   

Why is she different than me?

I guess I can give the excuse that she's fictional and I'm real.

Maybe it's true, but the argument feels a bit weak to me.