Saturday, March 12, 2016

Decisions, Medical Ignorance, More Oblivious People, and Happenstance

1. Dreamed about my blog.

I decide to quit writing it, because I want to work on other things, including fixing up the synopsis of my novel.

I tell my dad about quitting. Then I soon realize I don't have much to do in my newfound free time. I start thinking I might want to not quit my blog. I'm wondering if I need to tell my dad this.

When I woke up, I thought about how I felt like I've been in this situation before. I make a decision and tell someone about it. Then I change my mind and wonder if I need to tell the person. Yet it feels kind of silly, because I'm not sure it's going to matter to them.

Then I remembered this happened in the dream I had a few nights ago! I had told Michelle I was going to Australia; then changed my mind and wondered if she'd care enough about my change in plans.

I also had a dream within a dream. I woke up this morning; thought about the dream, and then I fell back asleep and had more dreams. It was weird and hard to explain. It's almost as if there was a adventure-horror storyline happening, but at the same time I was writing about the dream. Or maybe they weren't happening at the same time, but my memory mixed it up.

I guess, though, that it could have happened at the same time. It would be kind of like if you're sitting at your computer writing a novel. A part of you is sitting there with your fingertips tapping away. Another part of you is on an adventure with your characters.

But...anyway.  In the dream, I was writing down a dream on my blog. There's a character named Tyrone. I remember that we know an Australian named Tyrone. I feel I should specify that the Tyrone in the dream was not the Australian Tyrone we know.  

2. Wondered if there have been times in my waking life that I told someone about a decision, changed my mind, and then felt I might need to the person about my new decision.

There probably has been.

There are times we tell people something, because we feel THEY need to know, or they're going to want to know.

Other times we tell people things, because we want to talk about it. The listener might be bored by what we're telling them, or they might be interested. They might care. They might not care. But it's not like they need to know. So, do we need to tell them we've changed our mind?

I guess what might make me feel obligated is the worry they'd later find me contradicting myself and then think I had lied.

3. Wondered if there's a reason I had two dreams, with a similar thing, in the last week.

Is the universe trying to tell me something?

4. Started watching an episode of Home and Away.

5. Thought that Kyle (Nick Westaway) and Phoebe (Isabella Giovinazzo) were being ridiculous.

They broke up.

Kyle slept with his houseguest Billie (Tessa de Josselin)...reluctantly, I must add.

He's frantically trying to keep it a secret and also trying to make sure he's not given the temptation again. Phoebe overhears him talking about it and is horribly upset. She tells Hannah (Cassie Howarth) that Kyle has already moved on.

But in the conversation Phoebe overheard, Kyle was telling Billie he doesn't want it to happen again. How can that be interpreted as he's moved on?

6. Started watching another episode of Home and Away.

7. Thought that it's a bit nuts that Leah (Ada Nicodemou) is acting so surprised, and is being so dramatic, about having headaches and blurred vision after enduring a severe brain injury.

I mean not that she should take it all in stride. But I think the possibility of these symptoms should have been explained to her.

Or maybe headaches and blurred vision isn't a common side effect of waking up full on from a deep coma. I'm not sure, actually.

8. Saw on this optometrist website, that the blurred vision symptom is sometimes not addressed in the initial treatment of the brain injury. So, I guess it's something that might not occur until after the patient has left the hospital. Although if it has occurred in enough patients, I would think the doctors should warn the patient, Hey, when you get home you might have some blurred vision, so look out for that.   

9. Found a website with a list of symptoms that might occur after a traumatic brain trauma.

Both headaches and double vision are listed.

10. Remembered that, in the last episode, Leah was looking at her symptoms on a search engine. I don't think she looked at a brain injury site. She was just looking at general medical sites.

It might have helped if she looked at brain injury websites.

11. Wanted to say that I'm not against Leah being upset about her symptoms.

It's just she's acting so surprised. It's like she expects that people in comas, should wake up, smile, and get on with their lives without any problems.

12. Saw more oblivious characters on Home and Away.

Alf (Ralf Meagher) is having some kind of mental issue—looks visibly upset.  Maddie (Kassandra Clementi) and Matt (Alec Snow) happily chat to him and don't notice his distress.

What's the deal with people in Summer Bay?  In the episode I watched yesterday, there was another scene with one person distressed and another completely oblivious.

13. Thought of something I've experienced.

Sometimes if I'm in a blah or quiet mood, there are certain people who act more cheerful. They become more talkative. They smile more. They seem more energetic.

Is this a subconscious thing or unconscious? Do they notice I'm unhappy and feel like they can make me happy by acting happy around me?  Do they not notice? Are they oblivious like the residents of Summer Bay? Are they simply filling in the silence I've created?

I do notice that there are times I'm in an overly talkative mood and the person I'm with is more quiet than usual.  If they won't tell me what's wrong and they don't seem sad...just tired or thoughtful, I think I might keep up with being a chatterbox.  Though I think it's usually better to just be quiet with their quiet.

Why do we feel the need to fill the quietness?  If someone is in a quiet or blah mood, can we lift them out of it with our own energy and glee?  Does this work?  I don't think it works for least not usually.

14. Wondered about VJ's (Matthew Little) t-shirt. It says something about Area 35, and interval twelve. There's something about a test phase.

I wondered about it before but couldn't get a close enough look.

When I Googled area 35, I ended up with an Alcoholics Anonymous chapter in Northern Minnesota.

I just Googled again, with the interval 12, and didn't find anything.

15. Saw that there's an equestrian thing with an Area 35.

16. Saw more of the shirt.

I says something like, Lights in Midnight.

I Googled again. But still. I'm not finding anything.

17. Went to the Tropfest website.

Today I'm going to watch a 2010 finalist film called "Happenstance".

18. Started watching.

There's old fruit in a fruit bowl. It seems a bit ominous.

19. Saw that the film is about suicide.

20. Felt bad for the woman about to hang herself.

She looks so sad and so lonely.

21. Saw that the woman's suicide plans were temporarily thwarted by a bear delivering flowers.

The flowers weren't for her.

I think that would make me even more depressed.

Then I would feel guilty for not being happy for the woman who was supposed to be getting the flowers. I'd feel I was selfish, unloveable, and better off dead.

Even now I'm feeling kind of guilty for not being happy for the real recipient of the flowers.  Although she's not really real, since this seems to be a fiction film.

22. Thought that the flashback-boyfriend in the film looks familar to me.

23. Thought that film was very sweet so far.

It goes along with what I wrote about the other day—about everyone needing to be rescued.

There's that time when we're feeling very depressed, and we long for something or someone to come along and make it better.

The woman in the film was about to commit suicide. Then a messed up delivery brought a nice and caring guy into her home.

24. Thought the ending of the film was very sweet.

25. Thought about how I'm so angry lately, and slightly depressed.

It seems unlikely anything or anyone is going to come and be my knight in shining armor. So for now, I rescue exercising a lot.

I'm a very good self-rescuer.

26. Saw that the familiar-looking boyfriend on "Happenstance" is an actor named Dustin Clare.

I think what I recognize him from is Underbelly.

27.  Saw that the actress who played the suicidal woman was also the writer of the film. Her name's Katie May Johnson.

28. Went to Katie May Johnson's acting resume site.

29. Looked at Katie May Johnson's skin color, which is listed as white. For a brief second, that hit me as she'd have to be incredibly pale.

I forgot that's how us caucasians usually describe our skin color.

I wonder what the world would look like if black people were really black and white people were really white.

It might look kind of cool.

30. Started to listen to Katie May Johnson's voice reel.

31. Finished listening quickly. It was kind of short.

32. Started to watch Katie May Johnson's showreel on YouTube.

33. Started having deja vu when watching one of the scenes; then quickly realized Katie May Johnson and some guy are acting out a scene from The Fisher King.

34. Thought they did very well with the scene. It's the one where Robin Williams takes Amanda Plummer home after their lovely date.

35. Hoped the actors were paying homage to Fisher King, and someone didn't just rip off the dialogue from the movie!

36. Wished I knew what project the Fisher King scene was from, so I could watch the whole thing.

Katie May Johnson has four acting things on her IMDb filmography. I guess it's one of those. I'm not sure which one, though.

37. Went to Katie May Johnson's Twitter.

In January, she had complaints about British Airways.

In January, I had complaints about American Airlines.

I think airplane companies are usually kind of evil.

Or at least, they're very annoying.

38. Went to the Twitter of Clarke Richards. He was the other actor in "Happenstance".

He's quite active on Twitter and seems pretty conversational.

He doesn't just self-promote and Retweet.  He actually tries to interact.

I like that.

39. Went to Clarke Richard's Instagram.

He does black and white street street photography.

40. Saw that there are a few color photos.

41. Thought this photo was sad; although the person in it might just be tired.

Are they crying? Sleepy? Stressed?

42. Thought this picture was sweet.

It's an old man getting his cereal from the grocery shelf.

I hope when I'm old that I have the ability to walk around a grocery store and get groceries for myself.

43. Thought this shark photo is kind of cool—in an artsy way.

44. Thought that this photo reminds me of that movie Fallen.

These people are totally possessed by Azazel.

Beware my wrath.

45. Thought this photo was creepy—even though it's just a happy child on a swing.

But now I have horror movies on my mind.

46. Thought this bubble photo was kind of crazy.

Clarke Richards has some wild stuff.

I like his work.

47. Wondered what this man is thinking about.

Is he sad? Depressed?  Just thinking about something?

Maybe he's trying to figure out the finale of The Returned.  Tim and I watched that last night, and we were left with way too many questions.

48. Loved this photo of the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

49. Liked this photo of a travel agent.

I'm not sure why.

50. Liked this photo of Nick the Barber.

51. Thought that Clarke Richards is a fantastic photographer.

52. Thought more about the film "Happenstance".

I think it's nice when someone purposely saves someone from suicide. For example, they might work for a suicide hotline, or they might be a police officer who stops someone from jumping off a building.

But what I think is really beautiful is the idea of someone accidentally saving someone from suicide and maybe not even knowing that they did it.

Maybe they just did something nice for someone, and that made a difference.

It might not be that someone was about to swallow a bunch of pills; then they received your email and changed their mind. It might not be anything that dramatic.

But maybe sometimes people save other people BEFORE they get to the point of wanting to buy the pills or climb to the top of a building.

53. Thought about how we can't be nice to everyone all the time, because sometimes people make us angry and/or sad. Or like they talked about on Agony Uncles, sometimes you have to be a participant in a break-up. Sometimes you have to hurt someone, even though you don't want to hurt them.

It's impossible to expect everyone to be nice to everyone all the time.

But if we can be nice to the people we're not mad at and/or dumping, we might help these other people with the interpersonal pain they're experiencing. And on balance, maybe the universe will send kindness to the people we're not able to be kind to at the moment.

Am I making any sense?  I feel I'm not doing a good job getting my point across.

Well, here. The movie had the perfect example. The woman was suicidal because she had broken up with her boyfriend. I'm guessing he dumped her. We can't expect him to be kind. He has every right to get out of a relationship that made him unhappy.  If he did go out of the way to be kind, that might confuse the woman.

So instead I can imagine the universe sent the flower delivery man to her house.The boyfriend couldn't bring the suicidal woman happiness, but someone else could.