Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Mandela Effect, Difficult Leah, TV People, and Honest Opinions

1. Had a Mandela Effect moment.

I was reading the news on my phone and saw an article about Alan Jones and gay marriage.

It seemed odd to me, because I thought Alan Jones had died recently.

This could mean I've been spending time on an alternate universe where Alan Jones has met his demise.  OR it could mean my memory is half-working.  I'm remembering the part about Alan Jones being in the news, but I've forgotten the real reason why.  Then I'm replacing the real news story, in my head, with a  death story.

2. Started to learn more towards the alternate universe answer.

I remember Alan Jones dying.  It was one of those cases where someone is usually hated, but then upon death, opinions about the person are softened.

3. Consulted Lord Wiki.

He assures me that in this universe, Alan Jones is still alive.

4. Wondered if there are more universes in which I'm dead or more in which I'm alive.

I guess there'd be more dead ones. Because don't alternate universes include past versions of our universe?

5. Started watching an episode of Home and Away.

6. Annoyed by Leah (Ada Nicodemou).

I think she has totally replaced Ricky (Bonnie Sveen) as my most disliked character.  Now I don't even mind Ricky so much.

But, anyway....

Zac (Charlie Clausen) confesses the truth to Leah—that they worried Leah might never wake up, and that he and VJ (Matthew Little) decided not to play father and son anymore.

Leah is mad about this. Why?

I guess maybe she doesn't understand how dire her situation was.

Did she really expect a man to stand by her side and raise her son while she remained in a permanent vegetative state?

If Zac was VJ's stepson, this would make sense.

But from what I learned recently, Zac and Leah hadn't even gotten to the stage of saying I-love-you to each other.

7. Realized it's possible that Zac and Leah are the type of people who take a very long time to say I-love-you.

Maybe their relationship was very serious, and they just hadn't said the words yet.

Although that still doesn't mean Zac and VJ had been close enough to make it obligatory that Zac play father to VJ.

8. Saw Leah kick Zac out of the house.

Now I dislike her even more.

9. Felt envious of Oscar (Jake Speer), because Hannah (Cassie Howarth) shows so much concern regarding his past exercise obsession.  She might be a little overprotective, but I'd probably rather have that than experience what I experienced when I had eating disorder issues.

I was so obsessed with losing weight, dieting, and exercising.  Most of my family members were very supportive when I was in this stage of it all. They were much less supportive when I realized I had a problem and tried to turn myself around.

10. Wondered if many real life people have a person like Hannah in their life.  Is that what's realistic, and I have bad luck when it comes to support?  Or are people like Hannah a fairytale?

11. Decided the people in my life are more like the ones I see on sitcoms—shows like The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family.  There's a lot of humor based on insults, and it's expected that people not be supportive of each other's talents, dreams, hobbies, problems, etc.

12. Started to have less bad feelings towards Leah.

She went mildly nuts at the end of the episode, which makes me think her behavior is due to her brain injury.

Maybe it's giving her unreasonable expectations of people.

Hey. Yeah.  I know I have high expectations of people. But I wouldn't expect them not to move on with their lives if doctors thought I'd never wake up from my coma.

Plus, it's not as if Zac was moving on with his life. All that was planned was that VJ would go live with his grandma. That doesn't mean Zac planned to stop visiting Leah, and it didn't mean he planned to stop keeping in touch with VJ. .

13. Felt conflicted about saying I have high expectations of people.

Truthfully, I feel I have reasonable expectations.

Actually, I feel like I keep having to lower the bar.

13. Started to watch an episode of Agony Uncles.

14. Listened to Damien Walshe-Howling talk about how a good partner will take an interest in your family and friends.

I think this is true.  There's probably something not right if someone doesn't care.

I've seen the opposite happen, though—people taking too strong of an interest in family and friends.

I've been often bothered by Tim being too interested, and in love, with my family.

But  I have seen worse.  I  reunited with a high school friend on Facebook.  Then her husband friended me, and it's like he tried to take over the relationship. If I remember correctly, when we once tried get our families together, the husband was the one I had to talk to.  It was as if it was decided, between my friend and her husband,  that he was in charge of all socialization.

15. Wondered where to draw the line between decent interest, too little interest, and too much interest.

If I've failed anywhere, it's probably too little interest.  But it's not that I'm not interested in Tim's family and friends. It's more like I'm not very social.  I'm interested in knowing ABOUT his friends and family, and I enjoy having a casual relationship with a few of them.  I'm glad that Tim has them in his life. But I'm not overly interested in making them a huge part of my life.

16. Had old feelings of insecurity rise up when watching the show.

There's a discussion about how can know whether or not your friends like your girlfriend.

That makes me think, that besides not being very social, there's another reason I don't have a strong interest in trying to get close to Tim's peeps. I get this feeling they'll dislike me.

I think it's been awhile since I've had those feelings.

Well, I know I have low self-esteem when it comes to MY family.  On good days, I believe that some of them truly like me, rather than just loving me out of obligation.  But with the majority of them, I feel they prefer Tim.

With people outside my family circle, I've kind of lost interest in whether I'm loved, liked, or not liked. But now the show has reminded me of those old feelings.

17. Wondered if my self-esteem issues are unusual.

The thing is I don't dislike myself.  I like myself a lot.  But I feel other people usually dislike me.

Well, for one thing, I read my old blog posts and think I'm great. Yet I often imagine people reading my blog posts and thinking I'm absolutely pathetic.

In the past, it was different. I don't think I liked myself in the past.  Or it could be that long-ago-me was less likable to me. Even current-me is not a big fan of long-ago-me.  I've read some of my old high school diaries and was extremely unimpressed with myself.  I've also been annoyed by the not-so-long-ago-me that I see in old Livejournal entries.

18. Told myself I wasn't being completely honest above. If I really believed everyone reading my blog post thought I was pathetic, I'd likely stop publishing my blog posts.

It's more honest to say I FEAR most everyone reading thinks I'm pathetic, but I HOPE that some people reading find me to be brilliant, hilarious, and adorable.

19. Finished watching the episode.

I'm halfway through the series now.

I like it...in some ways. It's interesting.

I guess what I like least about it is I've heard most of it before.  There's nothing really earth shattering.

I also think whenever men give advice about dealing with women or women give advice about dealing with men, it's based off of the idea that all women and men are alike.

If you want to be a good boyfriend, do this and don't do that. But it doesn't always work out that way.
20. Thought about one of the pieces of advice on the show—one I've heard a zillion times before. If a woman asks if she looks fat, lie and say no.

My thing is I don't mind honest criticism IF it comes from someone who usually is very positive about that aspect of me.

If someone often gives me the message that I'm beautiful, I probably wouldn't mind so much if they told me something I was wearing was unflattering. I might not agree with them, but I don't imagine I'd be angry with them.

There are people who are very positive about my singing. If one of them told me I sang bad with a certain song, I probably wouldn't mind.

21. Thought about this. Let's say someone takes or sees a photo of you.  They tell you they're going to delete it, because they think you look ugly in it.  Is that an insult? No! I don't think it is.  The underlying message is you're usually beautiful, so who needs this one ugly photo of you.

If someone tells you your skirt makes you look chubby, the underlying message is that with most of your clothes, you do NOT look chubby.

If I ask someone, Do I look bad in this dress? and they answer that I don't, it could mean that the dress is fine.  But it could also mean they think I always look like crap, and the dress doesn't make it any worse.

22. Felt kind of bad, because Tim was brave enough to tell me he didn't like a particular dress...or two particular dresses. I kept wearing them anyway.

I think mostly it's because they were comfortable.  Then also, with one of the dresses I received many compliments. I actually agree with Tim, though.  The dress isn't very flattering on me.  But I still like it.

Note: I referred to the dresses in past tense, because one of them lost a button and I never bothered to fix it.

23. Felt that defiance was another reason I continued to wear the dresses.

It's kind of hard to explain.

And it's kind of rude. Please be honest with me, and then I'm going to do the opposite of what I know you like.  

Or maybe it's more like, I appreciate your opinion. I appreciate your honesty. But I'm not going to let it have much of a factor in how I run my life.  

Yeah. I think that's more like it. I pretty sure I didn't continue to wear the dresses BECAUSE I knew Tim didn't like them.  It's more like my liking of the dresses overshadowed my desire to please my husband.